Stop Watering the Fake Plastic Trees

I moved back home to North Dakota. I'm 38, living with my parents in their basement, and went back to my former job that I loved. I came home without my husband. I'm happier than ever. Purging the stress of my life has been incredibly healing for me. It's not curing me of my diseases, but my ability to live with disease is improving immensely. 

The phoenix of the Northern Lights directly over my house! I have never seen it with my own eyes until now, and I'm treating it as a sign that I can finally see my life clearly.

My priority in life is building peace, meaning reducing stress.

What motivates you to carry on in life? In my experience, people tend to answer status, wealth, skills, education, building an empire, or anything that gives people pride and a sense of accomplishment. These things are not my primary motivators in life. I'm not saying they're not important and that they don't motivate me at all, but I have learned that I don't wake up daily with motivation to keep advancing in these areas until I have my other basic need met. My basic need is peace in my personal life. What motivates me above all else is building a life of peace.

What peace means to me is having a consistent, stable, secure relationship with my loved ones. Peace means putting energy into building meaningful connections with people I love and care for and having it reciprocated. It also means not living with daily stress over things I have to accomplish, but instead flip it around so that the daily things I have to accomplish come from love and joy. I want my peace to come from a healthy marriage, because I'm built for marriage. I'm highly motivated to do work, chores, or tasks, or whatever for those I love. When it's for love, it's not stressful, it's purposeful. I'm quick to give my time, energy, and money for those I love. Because this is my nature, I need to be very careful about only choosing to love those who love me back without draining me. My perception of my marriage was that it was based on managing stress and avoiding conflict, not about building peace together. I did my part of the daily work to keep the peace, not out of love and joy. I need to build peace through deep connection without resistance, meeting each other's needs, and creating joy with each other. That's why living with my parents is working out brilliantly for me now. I love my parents, they love me, they are always consistent, and I feel very at peace here with them. Peace gives me security, and peace and security together are the foundation of what I need to be happy. Being happy because I have peace and security means I feel open and available to pursue my other goals in life without stress. I'm not unusual, especially for women, but I'm spelling it out like this because I think it needs to be said so plainly. So many people like me are trapped by looking for satisfaction through their work and status, not by looking for peace and security by loving relationships. My satisfaction in my work means nothing to me if I don't have peace at home with those I love.

My relationships have been in poor health for years due to my high stress level and lack of peace. My stress level was so high because my basic needs were not being met, and all the stress caused me to freeze up while waiting for my needs to be met. Years went by in which I felt frozen, in waiting, starving for love and connection, but feeling trapped and unable to build love and connection. My relationships with my friends and family all suffered because I felt too frozen up and unable to act. I also acted very defensive, dismissive, uncaring, rude, and distant because of it. My stress was so high that I couldn't give any of myself to anyone. I didn't like who I was or how I was acting, and I knew the stress was ruining me. I needed to end the stress and find peace again so that I could start to love again. I had to move home and live with my parents to end the stress. And over the past few months I've felt myself enjoying the company of people again. I've been able to be patient with people again, instead of defensive and dismissive. I really need peace in the foundation of my life, and I really needed to free myself from people and situations that drain my peace and caused me stress. 

It's not just unresolved relationship stress that destroys my peace. I've been learning how everything artificial degrades my peace. I've known for years to avoid artificial fabrics in my clothes and artificial ingredients in my food, because they make me feel sick. I'm finding it's also the same with artificial relationships, artificial information, artificial intelligence, artificial art, and so on. All the fake information, half-truths, synthetic images and videos, and misguided propaganda on social media and news media is enough to make me sick. The trouble is, it's making everyone around me sick too, and it's poisoning my relationships with real people. It's difficult to hold conversations with people when they think they are educated because of everything they absorb from social media, but aren't interested in hearing other information or points of view. I really value the scientific process and critical thinking skills so we can find the truth on any matter. I want to live in truth. I really enjoy speculation, theory, and creative fictions when they're properly labeled as such. What I can't stand, however, are lies that are told as if they are the truth. Living in these times that are dominated by lies makes it difficult to safeguard my peace, but I can do it as long as I live an honest life at home with my loved ones. (I'm not leaving social media, because there's still so much good it does, but I learned to stop engaging with lies. I unfollow, and move on. I love to learn about the local community through facebook. I enjoy following my friends. I like to learn from trusted people. I like the private support groups. There is a lot of good on social media, but it's getting overrun with a lot of artificial and misinformation.)

So instead of wasting time scrolling through all the deception and energy-draining propaganda on TV and social media, I'm choosing to use my personal time on playing single-player video games, reading books, drawing, listening to music, stretching, going for walks, doing chores that keep my space organized and clean, cooking new things, reading scientific articles (I love National Geographic), and so on. I'm trying to choose peace over anything that amplifies my stress. I'm choosing activities that require focus, not contribute to my brain rot. I'm choosing to spend time with people who can hold a conversation without distraction or looking at their phones, talk honestly and from their hearts, and also want connection instead of just to use me. 

I need PEACE. I don't need to live a life constantly on-guard against lies, manipulation, expectations that don't align with me, and indulging in junk entertainment and junk food. 

So all that said... 

Did I make the right choice to leave my stressful life behind so that I could work on my peace? Is it helping me manage my health issues? Is my health improving at all?

I wrote in my last post that yes, I'm seeing improvement in some areas with my health. I'm not profoundly better, but I'm not crashing as hard when I spend energy. I'm working harder at work than I have in years, and I do come home and have a crash, but they're not as serious as they used to be. I'm able to find the strength to get up and prepare a meal for myself and eat. My heart rate is still jumping up really high when I get up too fast, I'm still experiencing vertigo very easily, I'm still sweating like crazy at random times, my finger tips still go numb randomly, I'm still having adrenaline attacks at night that wake me up violently, and so on. I did really well for a couple of months when I first moved back here, but I think that was my body letting down and relaxing. Now that I'm working again and trying to keep up more of a routine, I'm having more symptoms. But I can see that I'm a lot more resilient because I'm not spending energy I don't have on stress or people. 

Another factor is that my anxiety is gone. I'm calm. I'm not worried about anything. I'm rational, focused on each moment, and not drowning in thoughts. I'm feeling a lot more creative, curious, patient, and interested. I'm not on the defense anymore. I'm not trying to always prove myself. I'm just me, in this moment, calm and collected. 

Something that concerns me very much, however, is the intense gut pain I keep having in the same area. Sometimes it's the pain of lasers cutting through me, sometimes it's sharp razor blades, and sometimes it's a giant sword through my entire gut. I don't know if it's endometriosis, actual gut problems, scar tissue, or something else. It's been intense enough and frequent enough to make me consider seeing a specialist. We'll see. My new Medicare plan begins in January. 


On another note, I found a tea mug that I really love! As you might know, I drink tea all day long.
Amazon.com: DOPUDO Glass Tea Cup with Infuser and Lid, 17.6oz/520ml Large Borosilicate Teacup,Tea Glass, Clear Mug for Loose Leaf Tea, Blooming Tea, Microwave & Dishwasher Safe - Tea Maker Gift for Birthday : Home & Kitchen

I've been trying to avoid using metal in my loose leaf tea, because metal can deactivate some herbal properties. My acupuncturist taught me that, thankfully. I got a little frustrated with the Rishi paper bags for tea, so this pure glass solution is solving all of my tea problems. 

(All ingredients listed below are organic and from Frontier Co-op unless otherwise stated. I buy them from my work place, where we have a huge wall of bulk herbs that I can buy by the weight. So I usually buy $2 or less of each at a time. I don't use exact measurements either, usually just a large pinch of each.)

My favorite winter-time tea has been: 

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Ceylon Cinnamon

Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

  

And my favorite evening-time tea has been:

Blue lotus flower (Anima Mundi brand)

Butterfly Pea Flower

Lemon balm

Damiana 
Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

But right now I need some caffeine and I'm cold, so I made:

Indian green tea

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Coconut flakes

Redmond Real Salt 

Rhodes - Be The Bird

'Cause you can fly

Be the bird

 Fly away

 See the world

 You'll be the news everybody heard

You'll never lose anything you've learnt

 Just promise me you'll keep going

 Just keep going and I'll keep telling you you're flying

(Radiohead Cover) Gin Blossoms - Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can

For her fake Chinese rubber plant

In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man

In a town full of rubber plans

To get rid of itself

It wears her out

Resurrection / A New Hope

Hello blog!! Yes, I moved. Yes, I have written about it. No, I have not published what I have written. That's not what I want to write about here. I'm not ready to go public about the moving experience yet. 

I moved back to North Dakota 2 months ago. It wasn't possible to stay in SC because that entire situation fell apart. Although there were a few reasons why I chose to return to ND, one of the primary reasons was because I needed to know if I could reclaim my health if I let go of all stress in my life. I came here alone, meaning without my husband, and I'm living in my parent's basement. I'm being taken care of, I don't have the same level of financial stress, I removed myself from the grip of other people's tensions, and I now have the ability to be completely at peace with no intrusions on my peace. I really need to know if I can recover some of my strength in this situation. 

After 3 days of Dad driving the Uhaul, we finally saw Bismarck in the evening. 

So far, it's been an interesting experiment. I have had to do a lot of physical work, but I also don't know if that will ever actually change (or should change.) I had to unpack and build furniture, which took me a while. I'm also helping Dad with some projects. We needed to build a shed, and our backyard isn't flat, so it was certainly a project. I helped with what I was capable of helping with. We drove to Idaho and back to visit my family there. (Yep, within a month, Dad and I drove from SC to ND, then ND to Idaho. So, just a little less than coast-to-coast!) I've stayed really busy. And today I went into my old work place (Terry's!!!) and offered to go back to work, and now I start next Tuesday! Hurray!

Visiting a former job in Boise, ID last month

So keeping in mind that I'm staying busy and active (as much as possible with having ME/CFS and POTS), here are some positive observations:

- I was amazed at how much easier it has been to sleep since coming here, mostly. I've had a few nights of waking up from jolts of adrenaline. A few nights of feeling restless for hours before falling asleep. A few mornings of waking up with a racing heart. A few nights of insomnia. But overall, my sleep has seriously improved. 

- My mind is CLEAR. The anxiety is gone. The depression is gone. The sense of dread is gone. The vibrations of fear that ruled my body are gone. My mind isn't suffocating from too many thoughts racing anymore. Whatever is right in front of me is what gets my attention, and I can focus on it. 

- I'm actually starting to dream about my future, and it's enjoyable and coming to me naturally! 

- I've held my last chiropractic adjustment longer than I expected, considering how crazy everything in my life was. Moving half way across the country, mourning the loss of my birds that I had to rehome, all the physical labor, you get the idea. My last chiropractor was aggressive, but she fixed issues that were probably from my childhood. I do not generally hold adjustments well or for long, but my body is acting more resilient now. That said, yesterday I finally felt sharp pain in my neck that gave me a nasty headache, but there may be more to that.

- I have had a few crashes. In the last 2 months I've had 4 days where I couldn't do anything at all. Many days where I could only work for a couple of hours, but the day wasn't a total waste. That's really not bad for me! That means I've been spending more energy and crashing less often. I have a feeling it's because my mental stress is gone. I'm not wasting energy on the stress of other people. My brain is just calm, clear, happy, and regulating ONLY my own personal energy. And I know this is true because I've had a few instances where I immediately get worse, drained, zoned out, and feeling the old hopeless void when I've had to talk to certain people. 

- My immune system actually seems to be working a little faster. I caught a bug in Idaho and my symptoms developed quickly, and I stayed sick for almost 2 weeks. That's actually a sign my immune system is trying to do its job! I also ate something I was allergic to, and I got hives within an hour, not the next day. Very good!

Ok, but I've also been experiencing classic issues of mine that are not getting any better:

- No temperature regulation! I'm freezing then sweating then freezing then sweating... it's annoying...

- Raynaud's!! My body was red from heat while my fingers were totally numb for a few minutes. 

- My gut caused major neck and shoulder tension that made my teeth feel extra tight. I had to wait a few days for my gut issue to calm down, and all my pain subsided and the tension released. 

- I almost fainted on the toilet last night. I couldn't tolerate being upright. My heart was going to beat out of my mouth and I couldn't catch my breath. I needed to be laying down, but nature called...

- The nerve pain in my heel has been raging again. I'm sure I'm eating too much b6 because I increased how many nuts I'm eating. The solution is to cut back on b6 rich foods again, but the fiber from the nuts is really helping. There's always a problem with every food, it's annoying. 

- The bloating from Endometriosis has been way too severe. Worse than normal. I'm tempted to buy maternity clothes... sigh...

- The sharp razor blade pains in my pelvis has been bothering me more than normal every day. I cannot do certain stretches without feeling intense stabbing pain next to my hip bone. 

So overall, I think this is a lesson that stress levels were making my symptoms worse. The RELIEF I feel has been so healing! I had to start my life over, I had to go through hell to do this. I'll write about that at some point, but I'm enjoying these good feelings too much to revisit that trauma. I do think I'll be able to live a little more than I was before. I think one of the most important decisions I could have made was to choose my own path, alone, and distance myself from that which was heavily draining my energy daily. I was in survival mode for so many years, and it stopped working. I stopped surviving. I had to save my life. I couldn't continue living that life. I had to come home and start over. Going from feeling suicidal for years and only feeling a void in life, to feeling peace and hope and joy... just by leaving a situation that wasn't meant for me. It's incredible.  

It's also just the little things... All of my time belongs to me. I don't have to live by a complicated routine anymore. I choose when to make dinner, how to cook, how to manage my chores, how to keep my space, when to rest and when to move, when to sleep, when to listen to music, when to listen to myself.... My energy belongs to me again. And I'm so looking forward to working again with this renewed vigor (I love my job!) 

Eivor - Let It Come

Yearly Reflections

Hello world, my old friend. It's nice to think of you again.

Today is a day in which caffeine is only increasing my heart rate and blood pressure a little, not giving me energy. Well, perhaps enough energy to type this, but certainly not enough to move. I am one giant brick. A brick with itchy hives on my back. AGAIN. Round 4 of hives. If I had to work today I am not sure if I would find the strength to manage. All I have to do today is go to Fed Ex to make a quick drop-off. It's a 3 minute drive from my house. I'm having a difficult time even imaging myself making this trip. I have learned that when I am capable of imaging myself doing a task, then it means I have enough energy to handle it at some level.

Today is News Years Eve, the ultimate day of reflection and looking forward to new beginnings. I've been really moody for a few months - like out of control at times - so I partly want to do this post in defiance of my chronic bad mood.

So I'll be blunt.

2019 did not offer any changes to advance my healing process. That's about it. I'm the same as I have been. Exhausted, in occasional pain that ranges from mild to severe, not sleeping well to sleeping too deeply, weight has stayed between 10-20 pounds higher than I'd like, and nothing I've tried has improved me. 2019 has been a year of management.

So instead, I'll go over some of the highlights for me this year:

- I bought an Instant Pot. I HIGHLY recommend it! It has been saving time and energy, and I'm making better quality foods because it does so much of the work for me.

- I got to go to a Weird Al concert that took place 5 minutes away from my house. That was super fun - and he walked right in front of me! As a friend pointed out, this is my lame claim to fame now. Ha! This was one of those "worth getting sick" experiences, and I'm only remembering how much fun I had, not how I felt.

- My husband has begun grad school to get his doctorate, which has required him to live 3 hours a way for a few days a week. It's nothing against him, but it has given me more quiet alone time at home to be fully at rest. It's been very helpful in those moments, but also has been more stressful when he is home because the chores have increased. It has been a good experiment for me. I need to learn how to rest better and exercise my limited energy better, and I have better clarity on that now.

- I took care of a new garden this summer. My husband and father-in-law built it. Unfortunately, the weather this year has been difficult. Summer never really came before winter hit early. If I consider the weather, the garden was a success. I grew herbs and veggies and was able to eat them. Not everything grew or produced, but some things did. The energy required was a little more than I had, so it meant sacrificing doing other chores like loading the dishwasher. But I enjoyed it more!

- I have been able to develop deeper friendships with a couple of my friends, and I have people I can talk to every day about anything now. I struggle a lot with friends in person, simply because of the energy it takes. I almost always feel like I'm in a competition with everyone I talk to in person, a competition of give and take of energy. But talking online to people who are similar to me in terms of health struggles is awesome. Our energy can go into only typing to each other and reading responses on our own time. It's the lowest energy required, and it's allowing me to develop the strongest friendships I've had in many years. I'm really grateful for these people!

- The more I reflect on this year, the more I realize that this year has been about supporting my husband instead of doing much for myself. He has been taking on a lot of new challenges and succeeding. I do not believe there is any shame in women thriving in their roles of being a wife and homemaker over any type of job or career. We have moved towards a society in which women are judged on success based on their careers and how much money they make. I call BS. We should be judged on how much love we put out into the world, and that doesn't have to have anything do with money. I am valuable, and I have worked hard to understand that this year.



And so, world, I will enter the new decade in several hours. Do I need a fresh start? A new beginning? Oh yes, for sure - I think? But I won't get it, and that is okay. Next year will be a good year if I continue to manage as I have this year, and I don't foresee any major changes for me coming up this year. But I do have hope for the next decade that I will learn how to do more than manage. Perhaps I'll find the energy to finish writing my book and publish it. Perhaps I'll find a way to make more money without worsening my health. Perhaps I'll find a breakthrough with my health and get to live life with more energy again. Perhaps I'll get to experience major life changes that will give me new challenges that fit my energy level. It is very very likely that we will move. Maybe to a new city or state, maybe not. But the time to live in a place of our own is coming soon. Whatever this next year and decade have in store for me are worth looking forward to, even if it's more of the same for a while!

And now I might see if I can get a ride to Fed Ex. Ha!



But first, 10 year challenge:

2009:

Happy, full of adventure and wonder, loved to explore!

2019:

Still love to explore and enjoy being myself, but with a stoic spirit and relying on someone else to help me get around. I cut my bangs back to how they were in 2009, haha. Simplicity is easier.

Privilage and (Dis)Ability

This is a follow up to my last post.

There are several reasons why I'm careful and guarded about who I give my energy to, but one of the biggest reasons is that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I read people's energy, and it affects my own very quickly. This is dangerous for me because I don't have much energy to begin with. If someone is full of joy and positivity, it overwhelms me and makes me feel numb. If someone is full of resentment and anger, it spikes my adrenaline and makes me feel weak and worthless. If someone is full of melancholy, I feel a kindred spirit that I'm safe around because I'm not being met with expectations from them. I need to be around calm, relaxed, and laid back people to feel my best. People who are full of drive and determination, want to be too helpful, want to solve problems, want to vent and let off steam, or just want to have too much fun all overwhelm me. This doesn't mean I don't respect when people feel these ways. I am not asking you not to feel these ways, I simply need to guard myself from these feelings to protect myself.

If you know me personally, you might remember I used to be someone eager to analyze the problems of the world and try to come with explanations to understand them, maybe even come up with solutions to solve them. I wanted to talk about politics, religion, world events, and major news stories. I enjoyed thinking through world problems so much that I pursued a degree in Theology.

I can't be that person anymore. I am so overwhelmed with living day to day in my own skin, that I'm unlikely to have an empathetic and caring response to any world problem. You tell me children are dying every day from starvation in that country? I put up a wall immediately. If I choose to give care to this statement I'll be too sick to function. The emotions will exhaust me. You probably expect me to want to talk about how to solve this problem, and then appeal to my empathy and ask for my help in putting a plan into motion, or at least complain about the people who don't help. I can't do this. I can't feel my heart break for every suffering person in the world. It will cripple me. I need my energy to go towards standing upright, talking, digesting, doing chores, working my part time job, managing my pain, and staying on touch with the most important people in my life. If you ask me to spend my energy worrying about dying children that I have no ability to help, you're asking me to not have energy to take care of myself.

You want me to support Black Lives Matter, join the Me Too movement, join a political camp to either praise or hate on President Trump, become an activist for a controversial organization like Planned Parenthood (pro-abortion) or First Choice Clinic (anti-abortion), have a strong vocal opinion on vaccines, participate in Pride events like parades, stand on my Capitol steps protesting injustice with you...

You want me to be what you want me to be, a soldier in your activism army, and you're not listening to me. Yes, I live in the USA, the land of "tolerance," yet with extreme amounts of intolerance. I live in the land of having the privilege to be tolerant or intolerant. You want me to use my privilege to stand up for or against something. You want me to use my privilege to solve problems.

I can't.

And you're not listening to me.

I don't have the privilege of having energy to participate in the world. I wish I did. I have a whole lot of care deep in my heart and soul that I want to give.

I am not a cold-hearted closed-off person naturally. It's not my nature to ignore problems. I respect my body and soul's need to be calm and restful in order to live my life to the fullest I can in this condition. I am going against my own needs if I choose to get riled up over world problems. I need you to go solve those problems for me. I'm going to give my love, support, and respect to those of you who use your privilege, a.k.a ability, to go solve those problems.

Because that's the definition of privilege: Ability.

Do you remember my post on "Ableism"? It's just another term for privilege.

So in other words, I don't have the ability to spend energy on solving problems in the world.

I want you to stop viewing me, a white female college educated adult living in middle class USA, as a person of privilege and ability. I want you to start viewing me and people like me the way you view all the other minorities you're so concerned about. I am in a minority, one that is grossly mistreated: The sick and disabled.

Thankfully, there are activist organizations who are rallying the privileged/ people with ability to help people in my minority group. Next time you're looking for a world problem to solve, please consider helping those who don't have the ability to help themselves.

These are organizations related to illnesses I have. Please consider using your privileged energy to care about world problems on these organizations:

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Millions Missing

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)
Dysautonomia International

Endometriosis
Endometriosis Foundation of America

Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
Chemical Sensitivity Foundation 

I have wanted to write a post like this for a while, but I have worried about sounding like a fraud. I'm in a very good situation, considering I'm suffering from these illnesses. I have a good roof over my head, access to high quality food and water, husband and family who are very supportive, I am capable of working up to 12 hours a week (most of the time, I call in sick more than I like to), have been able to see really good doctors, and won my disability case. I have a lot more supporting me than the vast majority of people with chronic debilitating illnesses. I am extremely grateful, because I would still be 100% bedridden (if even alive) if not for all the privilege I have in my life to support me. I really want others with chronic debilitating illnesses that do not have this much support in their life to have more support so that they can be helped. This is my life goal now: finding help for the helpless in this minority group. These organizations make it possible. They help people who cannot win their disability cases despite being 100% unable to work, do not have family support, don't have roofs over their heads, do not have access to quality foods or water, cannot see doctors due to cost or accessibility, can't find a doctor to take them seriously and help them, and want to give up on life.

You want empathy from me? Give some to me and people like me too. I hope you understand why I'm too overwhelmed now. Thank you for listening.

U2

On chronic illness support groups a common topic is music that helps people get through the difficulty with the illness. One of the most frequently mentioned artists for this is Lady Gaga. For me? I think it's obvious to anyone who knows me: U2.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm exhausted, just relaxing while the roast is baking. I'm listening to U2's new album, "Songs of Experience." As the song "Landlady" came on I had an epiphany. I was thinking through how many years U2's music has helped me stay strong, find reasons to be happy, learn to love myself better, and appreciate the people in my life. I started to wonder what it specifically that has touched me the most about their music. As Bono sang in "Landlady" about how much he truly respects and appreciates all his wife has done for him, it struck me. I love U2 so much because I'm very attracted to people who deeply love. Thinking through all my favorite people in my life, they've all been people who have a deep passion for something that makes people better. They have a true love and respect for humanity, and while they recognize and admit to the darkness and cruelty in people and this world, they still have this rich passion of loving people. I can't connect with people who don't recognize the darkness and despair in life and push it away. I connect with people who know the darkness like a close sibling, but always point to the light. That's my husband. That's my best friends. That's my parents. That's my heroes, some of whom I have met and some of whom I have not. That's U2, not just specifically Bono. But Bono is my greatest hero in the world today. U2's music is full of passion and love - they want nothing more than to make the world a better place. And they do. They make my world a better place so that I can make other's worlds better places.

What U2's music does for me is helps me not focus on my problems as a negative working against me, but instead their music helps me find my place in the world despite my problems and the world's problems. Yes, their music is very political. It's very personal. They very rarely write songs about romantic love. They can't write a simple fun tune, all their songs are heavy ("Lemon" might be the ONE song that isn't heavy, ha!) That's a turn off to many people, and I understand that. Many people think Bono's incredibly arrogant and claim to hate him because of it, but I don't think they're actually listening to him. But to me, music that doesn't have anything to say is boring. I'd rather have an arrogant insecure Irish man tell me how beautiful American's political system is than  have most Americans telling me how it's ruining our freedoms and liberties. I'm sick of American's views on America. Most pop music bores me to tears. U2's songs have so much to say that they always keep me pondering the meaning of my life in this world, and I thank them for keeping me focused on my purpose in this crazy world. Political or not, they keep me focused on love through this crazy mess of a world.

As "Landlady" came on, I was brought to tears by listening to how much Bono loves his wife. I have so much respect for Bono and Ali. They've only ever been married to each other, never any divorce. They show the world what marriage is all about. "I would win and call it losing if the prize is not for you."

My chronic illnesses can't take over my life and get me down when I have U2 singing about love and passion for all that is right and just in this world. My life isn't about me. I have value, no matter how much I'm hurting and held back. I have a place, no matter how broken and distant I'm feeling. I have a purpose, no matter how empty and drained I am. Their messages cut through my depression and anger and remind me who I am, who I was made to be, and how I can always keep growing despite my situation. I'm not defined by what I can't do, but by what I can. My health isn't my enemy. It isn't what's to blame for me not being the best version of myself.

So to Bono, Edge, Larry, and Adam: Thank you! 

To the Skeptics Who Want Me Off My Supplements...

It's amazing how quickly the mental and brain symptoms come back when I don't take my supplements. I've only been taking my supplements on days I work so that I can manage my job, but I'm trying to keep off of them as much as possible so I'm prepared for doctor visits (whenever they finish reviewing my referral.) This is only the second day without taking my pills, and the negativity is strong within me. Anger, doubt, depression, apathy, dismissiveness, hopelessness... that dark grey cloud is moving back in.

It makes it so hard to think clearly about my situation or make plans. Right now I just want to quit everything and throw my hands up in the air, giving up. Giving in. But I know if I used my progesterone, took my lithium, and drank my inositol powder that I'd have a different attitude on the matter. That it would be worth continuing to fight.

And the brain fog! Did I just go to the bathroom? I'm not sure. Do I feel like I need to go? I thought I did need to earlier... so maybe I did go? Yes, these are the thoughts I have about many parts of life.

Cravings for carbs and sugars are coming back in a big way too. I'm not as stable with my diet. I'm not supposed to have any starches and I know it's true because I don't feel well after I eat them. But I'm craving starches now. Some need in my body has been met by something in one of my supplements, just not sure what that need is.

I hate this limbo. I really need my appointments to get scheduled so that I can have less anxiety about not taking my supplements. I'm also kind of irritated that they work this well, because it means I'll still have to take them all for a while longer. I'm getting pill fatigue. Why is my body refusing to heal more than it has? I'm investing so much into regaining my health, but my body is saying, "Nope." Ugh.

I'm getting very impatient about finding out what I need to do to continue improving or coming to accept that I can't get better. That this is the best I'll be. I'm getting annoyed by having hope and perseverance. I just want a final answer.

Stink! Movie Review and Link to Watch it for Free

https://stinkmovie.com/

I've been looking forward to watching Stink! for at least a year now, but I haven't had access to it on any of my streaming accounts. For the month of October, 2016 it's streaming for free. Just click the link above and watch it right on the website for free.

Why are they streaming it for free? Because it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and nothing says you support breast cancer better than Susan G. Komen, right? After all, the "charity" raises money by selling perfumes, lotions, clothing, shoes, hair products, and more all containing known human carcinogens and endocrine disruptors, known to cause breast cancer. Yes, you read that right. Susan G. Komen raises money and support to find a cure for breast cancer through products that cause breast cancer... with whatever is money is left after salary. This movie is meant to educate you on how to avoid getting breast cancer by avoiding those ingredients that are known human carcinogens.

Stink! is another in a line of documentaries about the actual science and politics behind using untested, unregulated synthetic chemicals in the majority of the products in our country today. I can't say "in our world today" because most other countries actually regulate these same synthetic chemicals and refuse to allow them to be used in their countries. Because they're not proven safe. Two great documentaries that came before Stink! are The Human Experiment (by Sean Penn) and Toxic Hot Seat. The Human Experiment was a very basic, not hard hitting introduction to the problem of untested, unregulated synthetic chemicals that are not proven safe being in most of our everyday products. I was happy it was made, but it won't convert any skeptics. Toxic Hot Seat focuses on the rate of sickness and death in firefighters since flame retardant chemicals have been added to all of our furniture. It was a bit too long and too dense, as if it were an actual PubMed study in film version, but it goes to show how much there is to say on the matter and how complicated the politics are. Even if you just watch the first 30 minutes of it you'll have enough information to make better furniture choices - it's that hard-hitting.

But Stink! is easily my favorite of them all so far. It's by a father and husband who lost his wife to breast cancer and wants to protect his two daughters from developing cancer too. He bought his children pajamas from the store Justice for Christmas, but when they opened the pajamas they were assaulted with a powerful smell. He wanted to know what the synthetic smell was, so he made many phone calls to Justice and they refused to tell him what ingredients are added to the clothing or for what purpose. So he sent the pajamas to a lab to be tested, and the results showed synthetic chemicals that are known human carcinogens and actually banned. The movie goes from there, exploring the dangers in perfumes, cleaners, body care products, car wash, clothing, furniture, etc. He shows interviews from C-Span in which John Kerry and other well known politicians grill people in the chemical industry. He personally interviews politicians and those working in the chemical industry. He personally interviews the CEO of Justice who refuses to apologize or acknowledge any dangers in his clothing line. You'll come to understand the politics very well. He did an excellent job in this film!

So please, for your own health and for the health of everyone around you, please watch this film. It's FREE for the month of October. You can't tell me you're too busy to find time for this movie in an entire month. You can't tell me you're not interested, because if you're alive you need to be interested in this massive assault on human health. Why am I so passionate? Because cancer isn't the only illness that these unsafe synthetic chemicals cause. I personally have been affected. I have a disease called Multiple Chemical Sensitives that's at the heart of my chronic illnesses. I have a difficult time going in public without getting sick due to all the toxins people wear and are in most buildings, meaning I can't just go on living my life normally. It's impossible.

Make Up - Why wear it?

I've been asked a few times why I take a chance on wearing make up when I'm fully aware of the toxicity of make up products. I've covered this before, but I'll give a slightly different answer in this post.

First and foremost, I'm extremely careful about the make up that I use. The brands that I like best (that I've tried) are Lauren Brooks Cosmetiques, specific products from Mineral Fusion (their liquids contain dimethicone, which I don't tolerate, but their powders are great), and MyChelle (which I'm not linking to because they discontinued their make up line - which is such a shame!)  These brands are very careful about their ingredients, upholding strict standards. Their missions are to be truly non-toxic, mineral and flower based make up. They're also fragrance free!

Secondly, I'd like to give you some picture examples:

This is me without make up, after washing my face and moisturizing (with Badger's Unscented Face Oil):




This is me after applying Mineral Fusion's pressed powder foundation, eye liner, and mascara:



The make up makes me look a lot more alive and healthy, right? Okay, I'm super pale and I'm wearing my summer shade of foundation, lol! I'm out of my winter shade. I can't hide the eye bags with eye make up, but I can distract from them and reduce their appearance. That's worth a lot to me. When I'm at work or with friends or with family, I'd rather them not see just how tired I really am. I like to fool people into thinking I'm normal. I'll be very open and honest here on this blog, but in person, I want to look and act my best. It makes me feel better; it makes me feel like I have more energy than I do simply by looking the part.

I also don't wear make up every day. I pretty much only put it on on work days (3 days a week) or when my husband has a performance I'm able to attend.

I'd actually encourage those of you struggling with chronic fatigue to do this every once in a while. Put on some fun clothes, do your make up and hair, and enjoy the way you look. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. Don't do it to make a statement. Do it for you - remind yourself how you can look and be. If you let the fatigue rule you, you'll start to give in to it and let it determine how you always feel. I know, I know. You don't feel like putting the effort into it. Believe me, I know! But when you're feeling slightly better than usual, go for it! You need to remember who you would be if you were not sick.

How I Work With MCS

One of the most common questions I get is: "How are you able to work when you have MCS?"

The answer: "I didn't work for about 1 3/4 years because I couldn't. I'm working now because I got well enough to."

3 years ago I took a job that I was really interested in and wanted. I lasted for 1 year at the job before I had to quit because I was too sick to manage it. I tell this story in more detail in this post.
I quit that job just after I had my first appointment with my naturopathic doctor. After hearing his assessment about my health, I admitted to myself that I really did need to devote myself to full time healing. I wasn't making money during this time, and my doctor bills have been expensive. I relied 100% on my husband to support me, which wasn't fair to him at all since he ended up needing to work well beyond full time hours. This has been a major cause of stress. If I had continued to work, however, I likely would have been fired at some point. As I explained in the post that I linked to above, I could hardly look people in the eye and talk intelligently - I was not able to function like a normal healthy person most of the time. What choice did I have?

If I wasn't able to rely 100% on my husband during that time, it would have become a serious challenge, if not impossibility. A challenge that far too many chronically ill people face. I might have tried to fight for disability, but getting disability requires an expensive legal battle that usually lasts years.

I could have tried to take a lesser part time job and prayed that I could have handled it. But it wouldn't have worked out. Why? What I didn't know at the time was that a big part of my problem was Multiple Chemical Sensitives. I was too sick back then to know what all my symptoms meant, and I was essentially in a constant reaction. I did feel better at home than at work, and I assumed it was the stress of being at work that make me feel worse. Looking back, I was present when pesticides were being sprayed in our office, harsh cleaners were used on the carpets, automatic air fresheners were installed in the bathrooms, new ink was installed in the printers, etc. I was present around a lot of routine toxins. Toxins that I never used in my house. Any other lesser job would have kept me exposed to similar chemical toxins.

I have been incredibly blessed to have my hard-working husband supporting me through all this sickness. No other scenario would have allowed me to not work so I could heal. To those of you with chronic illness who are forced to work and stay very sick, live in poverty without medical help, and suffer financially due to your illness, my heart goes out to you. It's a wonder you continue fighting for your life. Someday when I'm healthy and rich, I'm going to start some sort of benefit fund for the chronically sick who can't get help. I want to do what I can to make the world a more hospitable place for the chronically sick.

It took close to a year of full time healing before my doctor was able to see that I have MCS. I had other health concerns, of course, but MCS made perfect sense. I'd been highly reactive my entire life, especially as a child. I've had a lot of food allergies, couldn't tolerate many medicines doctors had tried to put me on, many things caused me headaches (especially gray crayons,) and I regularly had unexplained eczema or rashes. At some point, my MCS did explode into something much worse. I got very sick (even got a sinus infection) from simply being in a Staples. I got dizzy with heartburn going into my church building. I went into a rage with harsh heart palpations in a JC Penny, later to have rashes all over. And so on and so forth. I had these reaction symptoms nearly every day for the year I was working, and they gradually became worse and worse. MCS makes perfect sense for what I went through.

It's been just under a year now of addressing MCS directly, but almost 2 years of healing my whole body from all its issues, and I've made a huge improvement. My doctor is amazing! But I've also put a lot of work into my healing.


How I, over time, worked up to being able to work my 12-15 hour/ week job:

1. I was spending as much time as I needed dedicating myself to healing my entire body, not just MCS. I highly doubt my MCS would have calmed down if I didn't focus on improving my overall health. You can't rush healing. It takes years to get this sick, it's going to take years to get better.

2. I stuck religiously to my doctor's diet for me. I made a few mistakes here and there, but I always suffered the consequences. My body has been incredibly picky about what food it will tolerate. I had no idea that my "clean organic" diet that I was eating before seeing my doctor was causing so many of my heath issues. It's not just about eating organic whole foods, it's about eating the right foods. As it turns out, I have no tolerance for grains, starches, sugars, alcohol, or dairy. I don't even tolerate brassica vegetables that well, but I will actually eat them in small amounts on occasion. Cutting out all the foods that I wasn't tolerating decreased my stress, improved my mental clarity, reduced the size of my gut, reduced the pain in my gut, reduced my inflammation, and allowed me actually gain energy from the food I could eat. Diet is so so so crucial!

3. I've been taking, and still take, my doctor's supplements and herbs. They're expensive, it's hard to take the 56+ pills a day, and my daily schedule gets tied to my ability to take them when I need to... but they have been worth it. They do help a lot. I have to heal all my organs which have become very fatigued and weak. The supplements are working for this. When organs such as the liver and kidneys aren't working well, they can't detox well. When they're overrun with toxins that they're too fatigued to push out, chemical sensitives only get stronger and stronger.

4. I've been taking my doctor's homeopathic remedy for MCS as well as his pills for MCS. I can't tell you what the remedy is - I just know it's made a big difference for me. I can tell you that taking his N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine and Reduced Glutathione have been, by far, the most helpful pills for MCS. I take 3 of each a day, but if I'm about to go somewhere with potential triggers (such as church or a store) then I'll take an extra one or two of each before going in. Glutathione is the body's natural antioxidant. N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine is the amino acid that's the precursor to glutathione, boosting natural glutathione production in the body. This antioxidant is very effective at cleaning toxins out of the body - the very toxins that cause reactions.

5. I get treatments. My doctor's clinic is set up with several treatments that promote healing. I do as many of them as I can afford. Each of them have provided me with a lot of relief.  http://humannaturenaturalhealth.com/treatments

6. I give myself a couple of "treatments" at home. I invested in a portable Far Infrared Sauna, which causes me to sweat profusely, meaning my skin is pushing out a ton of toxins. I also take detox baths that promote sweating and restore some minerals in my body. I use my acupressure mat very often. 

7. I regularly visit my local chiropractor and acupuncturist. (My naturopathic doctor would do these for me, but he's in a different state and I travel to see him.) I cannot emphasis enough how helpful adjustments are - they free up the nerves in your spine that go to your organs, helping the nerves to function properly so the organs can function well. Acupuncture has been incredibly beneficial to me as well, and I notice that my body slows down and reacts more harshly to things when I go a while without acupuncture.

8. I'm addressing a systemic candida overgrowth infection. Candida can cause or intensify MCS, as the candida yeast feeds on the chemical toxins. I haven't written much about this yet, but I still plan to. The candida cleanse I'm on is a big part of the reason why I haven't blogged much lately. It's taking a lot out of me.

9. I avoid as much stress as possible. I avoid as many triggers as possible. I allow my body to stay as calm as possible as often as possible. This meant installing an reverse osmosis filter on my kitchen sink, getting rid of all of my polyester clothes and blankets and replacing them with natural fabrics, replacing plastic in my kitchen with a safe substance (like glass, stainless steel, cast iron, or bamboo,) switching to only fragrance-free soaps and cleaners in my house, hiring an organic lawn care company with a safer product, hiring someone to clean the mold out of our house, and so on and so forth. It also means I no longer eat out too. I've had to alter a lot about the way I live my life in order to avoid triggers. It's a major challenge, but it's been absolutely necessary to avoid as many triggers as possible.

10. Once I felt ready and capable, I spent months searching for job openings at businesses that would have the least amounts of triggers. I found a few places in town that I can be in without getting sick, or at least not too sick. When one of them announced a job opening, I applied right away in person and tried to make a good impression. I actually ended up with a couple of offers, so I was able to choose the job that offered the least amount of hours with the most respect to my health condition, knowing I simply didn't have the energy for more than 15 hours a week. The job I chose is at a natural health products store. It's small, locally owned, and doesn't attract stinky customers that I can't be around without getting sick. The store itself is quite nice and sells foods and supplements I already knew enough about, but is challenging me to learn a lot more, which I love. The learning curve was small, it's usually a relaxed atmosphere, and it's not too often that there are stinky triggers in the store. It also keeps me on my feet moving, as opposed to at a computer all day, which would make me worse.


How I deal with triggers on the job:
This is harder to answer, but the fact is that I rely on all the healing tactics I do at home. The more I take care of myself, keeping myself clean, detoxing/ sweating regularly, makes it so I can tolerate more triggers with less harsh reactions. When I first took the job, I couldn't use the Sharpie pens without holding my breath. I got immediate headaches from them. Now I can actually use them for  a short period of time without holding my breath. I'm not sure why. Did I build up a tolerance, or is it because I'm using my sauna more and taking more baths than before I started working?

There have been a couple of times when a heavily perfumed customer needs my help. In one instance I was able to have a co-worker help that customer instead of me. I just politely said "My co-worker is better able to help you with this than I am, would you mind waiting a moment and I'll have her come help you?" In the other instance, I spent the least amount of time with the customer as possible and then ran back to the break room and took a few glutathione pills. My headache, fever, heart palpitations, and gut ache calmed down in about an hour. The truly amazing part is that I did manage to help her and was able to continue working through the reaction - that's how much I've healed!

But it did get to the point two days ago where I had to go home early from getting too sick. I wasn't feeling well all day anyway as I was overly exhausted and I was suffering some abnormally bad PMS (I'm on a new anti-fungal for my candida that is quite strong,) but then it hit me like a brick wall. I had no idea what was causing the reaction, but I got hit with an anxiety attack so strong that I had to leave. I was losing control. Once I got outside and started walking to my car I found the source: one single train cart was stopped on the train tracks right behind our parking lot. It was puffing out clouds of black smoke, which the wind carried right towards the store, and me. I didn't feel much better until the next morning, so it took the majority of the day and night to recover from that one.


In conclusion:
Healing is VERY hard work! It requires a lot of time, a lot of dedication, a lot of faith, a lot of money, and a lot of self-love. I always treated myself as "worth it." If I didn't, if I would have assumed that my life wasn't worth saving because I was a leech to society, I wouldn't have gotten better. I had to believe that God was keeping me alive for a reason, and that with enough work and medical help that I could live up to His will for me.

If you're suffering with MCS, looking for answers, I hope this blog has helped you, not discouraged you. I never looked at my healing process in the big picture. It would have overwhelmed me and scared me - I would have assumed it was too much for me to handle considering how fatigued I was! I always took it one step at a time, doing what I needed to at every moment. Before I knew it, I made a lot of progress!

I also want to stress that what has been working for me may not be what works for you. What causes MCS in one person may not be the cause in another person. There are other people who have had success healing from MCS who have used different approaches. I encourage you to read other MCS blogs, talk to natural doctors, and learn your own body. But don't give up. Don't give in. MCS might rule your life, but you can find a good life within the confines of MCS.

Should We Talk About Our Diseases?

I wrote this post on my phone on an airplane last Wednesday, 4 days ago. I wrote it in One Note and didn't have internet access to post it with. I'm sharing it with you "as is," meaning I'm not going through and changing or updating anything I said. This was a stream of consciousness type entry, and I want to honor that.

~~~~

I recently saw this meme, and it's had me thinking. Whoever wrote this must not have a debilitating chronic illness. How is it possible not to think about and talk about a chronic illness when our lives must be formed around it? Every day I take many supplements and pills twice a day. I must stick to my very strict diet if I don't want a gut ache all day (among other issues.) I can't go into many places, such as schools or stores, without fearing fragrances or cleaners that could make me debilitatingly sick. My life revolves around my body now. I must obey my body's needs at all times, or I won't be able to function. If I don't talk about this to others, how will I be able to make friends, attend events, or participate in life? Because I struggle so much to fit in with most of this world's norms, I need to explain myself to protect myself. That said, I dislike dominating conversations with my chronic illness. I do like to talk about other things more, and it does help when I can chat for a while about topics that aren't about me.  

I'm writing this while traveling on a plane back home. In the airport before boarding I ended up chatting with a guy who turned out to be from my hometown of Boise, ID. He is a Mormon returning home from Virginia from his 2 year mission. We chatted for close to an hour (flight was delayed,) and we talked all about Boise, faith, and traveling. I didn't have to bring up my illness at all, and I felt so normal. It made me so happy to talk and laugh with a stranger about something we both love. I didn't have to think about my current problems. I felt free - I got to be me for that hour, not be sick me. I think this is the real point of this meme. It's not possible to avoid owning our illnesses or talking about them all the time, but when the opportunity arises to escape talking about our illnesses, we need to take it.  

On a side note, I'm super excited for him. He finally gets to return home to his girlfriend who he hasn't seen in two years. He was so nervous that I couldn't help laughing in excitement.  

I just spent a month away from home with my parents and my doctor. I didn't get to escape my health. I had to think about it every day, like I have been for the past two years. Being away from home was refreshing, but I'm still stuck with my personal reality no matter where I am. No, I can't do as this meme says. What I can do is choose to focus my energies on conversations not related to my health. I can choose to enjoy my environment and surroundings. I can choose to put a smile on to greet others, even when I'm grumpy from feeling sick. It isn't easy. In fact, smiling can be really very difficult. But it's worth it. If other people can see that you're making the best of life, they'll respond positively and help you feel like a normal person.  

I needed to write this post, because I need to savor this time that I have a clear head. Treatments helped so much, and I've regained enough mental clarity to think without the influence of anxiety. My goodness, I fought some scary bad anxiety attacks on this trip. When trapped in an anxiety attack, it isn't possible to see the beauty in life or the positives in my current life situation. I tried so hard to feel some hope, but I couldn't find any hope at all. I was so consumed by fear that I got lost somewhere in my brain and couldn't regain control. I need to write this now as a testament to the fact that the real me isn't an anxious person. The real me can laugh, connect with others, and look forward to the future. The real me isn't self consumed. The sick me is very self consumed and defensive.  

I think it won't be long before I lose this good mood. I'm in a window seat next to two ladies. I don't smell them through my VogMask, but my heart has been palpitating occasionally since we took off. I've been fighting a mild reaction from Detroit's restrooms for a while, but I'm handling it surprisingly well. I'm expecting to start breaking down at some point. I may not, though, because I did just do a lot of heavy detoxing this month and have been rejuvenated with immune system boosting IVs and treatments. I'm also wearing my doctor's personal air purifier, basically just a small unit I wear around my neck that produces negative ions.  

Conclusion: Always take the opportunity to be positive when you're mentally capable. It's hard. Do it anyway. Make the most of the times that you're not consumed with anxiety, depression, brain fog, and pain. A little bit of time feeling like a normal happy person goes a long way. But do not deny your chronic illness. Do not pretend it doesn't exist. Most importantly, you need to protect your health and sanity so you can have the good times. There wont be good times if you don't take care of yourself.

Positives and Improvements

There are a few topics I've been really wanting to write about, but simply haven't had the energy. It's really frustrating me. I want to write about endocrine disruption, do a product review on my far infrared sauna and a caulk product that didn't cause a reaction for me, write about how much removing plastics from my life helped me, and more. I have a lot to say and share, but it's so exhausting. I've been on the biggest roller coaster ride in the past couple of weeks, and it's been nearly debilitating at times. I might write more about this later, but because my health problems have been dominating my life, I want to focus on something different right now.

In the past year and a few months, what are the noticeable positive health improvements I've experienced? Keep in mind that I was in very bad shape - a total zombie who had no idea how I was going to survive all the pain, fatigue, and depression.

1. Substantially reduced pain!

"Fibromyaliga" no more! I used to feel pain all over from head to toe, in my stomach, and in my gut. I used to get flares that were nearly debilitating. When I'm in pain now, it's in very specific areas and it's usually tolerable. Pain now isn't overwhelming. It's actually indicative of something that's wrong. My pain tends to always flare on the qi median that goes to my liver and spleen.

2. No more bloody noses!

I used to get bloody noses all the time, and a doctor once told me I was a perfect candidate to get a surgery to thicken the skin in my nostrils to prevent bleeding. I never did the surgery. There were two instances where I had bloody noses so bad at work that it was impossible for me to work. The general manager at the grocery store I was working at when I was 18 actually took 45 minutes out of his day to sit with me and try to get my nose to stop bleeding. He watched as I spit out a blood clot a little larger than a golf ball, which was just gross and embarrassing. He even paid me for the time I spent fighting that nose bleed - he was such an amazing boss. In the other instance, I was the secretary at a mental health clinic. Both nostrils were dripping blood and I was really struggling to breathe. My boss, the clinic's head psychologist, took me into the bathroom, had me sit so the blood would drain into the toilet, and he pinched my nose and put an ice pack on my forehead. He held that position for at least 10 minutes with me, meanwhile he chatted with a patient on the phone (lol!!) Once it stopped bleeding he said, "Don't worry about how you look. Just go meet my new patient who I sent to your office." Haha!

I don't think I've had a bloody nose in close to 6 months now, but they've at least become rare within the last year. I was getting them occasionally before our bathroom got renovated last year (our skylight was leaking and we had a mold problem because of it.) Mold has always given me bloody noses.

3. My menstrual issues are actually manageable now!

This is a really super big deal to me. My life used to be 100% controlled by my periods because the pain was so intense and I was so overly heavy that I couldn't help myself on those days. I had to plan my entire life around when my period was due. I used to lay in bed screaming in pain, even after 12 ibuprofen. I used to lose about 7-8 ounces of blood a day (the average healthy woman loses 1-2 ounces during her whole cycle.) So not only was I in extreme pain, but I had to manage the mess somehow. It left me totally exhausted and I always had to recover.

My period still causes problems, but they feel like easy problems now. I'm losing about 5 ounces of blood during my whole cycle now, which is still considered heavy, but it's way less than it used to be. I can get painful cramps the week before, but my periods themselves are hardly painful at all now. They still knock me out, turning me into a total zombie the day before and the first day of, but I just sleep those days off and I'm okay.  This is a true miracle for me.

4. I have some days with energy now!

I still have plenty of days where I'm tired all day long, but for the most part, I'm no longer regularly so exhausted that it's hard to function. Even on days when I'm tired I have enough energy to get some stuff done. I occasionally have days when I have a good amount of energy and I feel somewhat normal. Today, for instance, I've been oddly energetic. I've worked out, did the dishes, did two loads of laundry, chatted on the phone and laughed for a while, played my video game, am writing this post, and started bone broth in the crock pot. I feel a little spent, but I'm not exhausted. It has felt good!

5. I've learned how to cook a variety of meals with my limited diet!

My strict diet has made my life so much easier. I have a list of foods I'm allowed to eat, and I've learned the best and worst times to eat specific foods. Food makes me feel good now (usually - there have been cases where eating anything at all has cause pain and problems,) whereas food used to be very hit-and-miss for me. Before this diet, food would either hurt me or help me, and most of the time it was hurting me. Food never hurts me now, but sometimes it aggravates digestive problems. Food is wayyyyy easier and better these days!

6. Mental clarity, creativity, critical thinking skills, and good moods have returned!
Oh, I've definitely had my set backs in this area. I'm still getting days where I can't think straight. I'm still getting days where I have no mental energy to work with, and I find myself at a loss for words when trying to communicate. Most days have been good for me in this area lately. I'm not struggling to read books anymore. I'm really enjoying researching (which obviously takes lots of mental energy.) I'm able to have fun conversations with friends. I've been able to draw, work on my Zazzle shop, and write (all creative things.) I may not have my body working well, but at least I have my mind back on most days. As long as my mind is functioning well I will never complain. The loss of a functioning mind was the most grievous experience for me last year. I felt completely worthless and I hated my life.

7. Chemical sensitivities are a blessing just as much as a curse!
Any readers with MCS might be really confused by this. How could MCS, a condition making it nearly impossible to spend time in public without getting really sick, be a blessing in any way? Well, first of all, understanding my body and why it reacts is a major blessing. I know what's going on now, so I know how to avoid triggers that cause reactions that make me miserable. Second, MCS is helping me stay healthy. Because I cannot get away with putting myself in toxic situations, I don't. I can be reaction-free for days to weeks now because I've learned what to avoid. It's amazing. The problem is when I'm unable to avoid something toxic - such as getting on an airplane. There is nothing good about that bad unavoidable situation that will make me sick.

8. I've made some great friends!

Naturally, I've gravitated towards finding support groups online. I've met many people online who are very much like me with poor health. We commiserate together, help each other, laugh together, and see life from the same perspective together. It's wonderful. (But then I get really sad, because sometimes their situations are so bad that they talk about suicide, and it brings me down because I can't deal with that kind of stress, but I feel compelled to get involved because I've felt like them before and suicide is the worst possible thing.) For the most part, these groups have been very very helpful. At the very least, they help me feel less isolated. I don't feel unique or crazy. They provide me with an outlet to talk about my issues, because I know my husband can't stand hearing about my bad health all the time.

9. More stability
Overall I'm more stable than I was a year ago. My blood sugar issues are less drastic, my blood pressure is more stable, my mental state is more stable (and my anxiety is a lot less extreme,) my appetitate is regular, and my moods are not as wild. Yes, I still have stability problems in all regards, but I'm much more stable than I was. If I used to be an 8.0 earthquake daily, I'm now a 4.5 earthquake daily.

10. I look so much better!
I've lost over 30 lbs, I look a few years younger, I have way less acne, my skin glows when I'm feeling well (it's often pale with poor circulation,) my hair is way stronger and naturally shiny, my nails no longer split and crack and they grow quickly, and I'm not embarrassed to present myself anymore. I still have bags under my eyes, get rashes, fight some occasional acne, have slightly yellowing skin (been wondering about mild jaundice for a while,) and can look totally exhausted. I also still fight major bloating issues (I can look pregnant at times.) For the most part, I feel thin and beautiful, and I'm proud of it. Make-up feels a lot more optional to me now, lol.



I'm sure I'm missing some positives, but is what I thought of without really trying. :)