Children, Family, and the Future

 

This video by Teal Swan matches my observations. She lists reasons why societies around the world are having fewer and fewer children, making very strong points. I am not interested in summarizing this video, so I encourage you to watch it first. 


I'd like to tell my story, as a 38 year old Millennial woman without children, now divorced (as of 2 weeks ago), following some of her points. 

My parents are Boomers, and they were successfully able to raise us 2 kids with everything we needed: financial stability, a "village" to help, and emotional validation. I never learned any of the negative traits from them that she speaks of in this video. I never felt suspicious of their habits, and I never felt traumatized by their choices of how to raise me. I grew up with neighbors who helped and I could trust. I grew up learning that I could trust people. My parents were disciplined with me, but encouraged me to be myself, express myself, and try new things. They gave me every opportunity they could to help me learn new skills. As an adult I have learned that I'm in a rare situation, because my parents are still happily married and they provided everything I needed to help me be an adult in good mental and spiritual health. They did, however, teach me the "path to success" meant for both men and women equally that has failed most Millennials, despite working very well for Boomers (college ► career ►investing and compounding interest ► financial independence ► marriage ► children.)  

In my heart and soul I never wanted to live according to that path, mainly because I knew I wanted to be like my mom, who didn't have to have a career (she worked when needed). What I wanted was to be an educated stay-at-home mother to many children. I never had a problem with working, in fact I like working and I tend to choose physical labor jobs (by choice because I enjoy it), but I never had any aspirations to pursue a career that would take me away from home. So my goal was to find a man like my father: a spiritual leader, breadwinner, and foundation of my family. 

I married at 19 years old, thinking I was going to have children in my early 20's. It's exactly what I wanted: a happy marriage with many kids. The man I married wanted that too, so I believed him that we would make it a reality. The trouble was that we couldn't get our careers going. We never had enough degrees to land a good job, the jobs we took weren't meant to last, and endless other problems. Before I got sick I was applying for every job I could, but this was during the 2008 bubble burst, and the economy was a mess. I was lucky to work 3 part-time jobs, all of which paid me about minimum wage. I was working 60-70 hours per week, and if I stopped working to have kids, how could we ever pay rent? Rent on our awful little house that had a black mold problem that heavily contributed to why I got so sick. Meanwhile, we were living on his student loans. He had a full-ride scholarship and an assistantship, but we took out student loans to pay for our rent and groceries. When he graduated and returned to work, he was able to piece together an income to support us. His struggles were legitimate. I got sick, very sick, to the point where I quit my job and was unable to work for a year and a half. It would have been impossible to live on just his income alone if we had to pay rent or a mortgage. Thankfully, we had the benefits of the "village" that Teal Swan talked about, so we had a free place to live. I was too sick to have children at this point, and my doctor even warned me not to try because my body was far too weak to endure it. He warned me that pregnancy could be extremely risky on my body. I'm summarizing many years, but understand that we never made ourselves stable enough to have kids. 

My dreams of being a stay-at-home mother with a breadwinner husband were dissolving into an impossible fantasy as the years went on. If the "formula" that Boomers taught us had worked, I think we could have been ok. We had everything stacked against us: my college degree did not help me find work (I had one job relevant to my field and it paid me $9 per hour), his career was built on a field that the average person no longer had money to pay for, and the job market was very dry. If that formula worked and we both could have started building careers in our 20's, I never could have afforded to stay at home raising kids anyway. And no, I never had the energy to work full time AND raise children. What a joke - what woman actually wants to live like that? I don't want to live in constant burn-out while failing to raise my kids well enough. I don't want to pay someone else to raise my kids for me. That was never part of my idea of "raising children." I didn't want that life. I preferred NOT to have children than to be unable to raise them properly. 

When I decided I needed to exit the marriage after 18 years of marriage, it was because I realized I had built absolutely nothing I wanted out of my life. I spent about 10 years simply trying to manage my illness, so I was distracted with something very important, but time kept moving on. I didn't see children as a possibility anymore, not even adoption since we didn't have the means, so what else did I want to live for? Why did I work so hard to heal enough to live my life if I had nothing I wanted to live for? I had ideas of other life paths that could give me some purpose, but they all required money, energy, health, or resources I didn't have. And all I could think about was how I just wanted a family with children. I felt so lost and alone. All I saw was constant stress and I felt useless, uninspired, bored, and spiritually hungry. I couldn't see any future for myself if I stayed on that path. I am not blaming him or criticizing him. He was honest and pursued life exactly as he said he was going to, and he fought to build the life he wanted. He succeeded in his priorities in life, exactly as he told me he would. The problem was me needing things that didn't align.  

So I saw the only alternative path: Move back in with my parents. Let go of broken dreams and start over. My Boomer parents fully support me, and they understand how insane society is. They see how impossible it is to succeed now. They understand why couples can't have children anymore. They didn't judge me at all, and honestly, I don't know how many other Millennials could say that about their parents. I'm extremely blessed. 

I'm 38, but I'm still interested in starting a family. I do NOT want to be a single mother. Bless all you saints who manage as single mothers and love your children so dearly - you are the most wonderful women to find that kind of strength for your children. I don't know if I'm really capable of having children due to my health, but I'm stronger than when my doctor told me not to years ago. Endometriosis tries very hard to rule my life. I'm tired all the time, and that could be a major problem with raising children who rely on my endurance. I don't know if society or the economy will ever make it easy to start a family, even adopt, but I also feel like family is more important than every other aspiration or desire in life. Building a family, with or without children of my own, should be at the center of all my decisions. Nothing, not even career, is more important to me, and I feel like I've lost way too much time to constant life problems. 

This is what I do know about my life as it is now: it's mine, I don't have to focus on how the cards have all been stacked against me anymore. I'm burned out on complaining, disappointment, fighting for the impossible, and pursing dreams that cannot become reality in a healthy way. I'm exhausted from not living my own truth and always hiding in waiting for the right time. I'm tired of not being a priority. Something I've learned about myself in 18 years of marriage is that I'm creative and adaptable. I have the ability to find my way in any situation, even when I clearly didn't belong in the situation. But I'm burned out on adapting constantly. I'm exhausted from finding creative solutions to keep surviving. I'm so bored of needing ways to "escape." I'm done with shutting off my brain and emotions. I know I can be fully present when I'm where I belong, pouring into my own cup too. My cup has been dry for so long. 

If I didn't have a home with my parents, I honestly don't know if I would have survived myself. Without my parents' support, I wouldn't have had a life path to take that would inspire to me keep living and trying. If I continued with him, I would have been a total zombie. I wouldn't have really been living. His life choices worked really well for him, and I don't blame him, because he deserves all the happiness he can build for himself in this extremely difficult climate. He needed to make the choices he made, but he wasn't capable of fully supporting me through my circumstances and crises. He really did do the best he could, and it wasn't his fault. My needs were too great for both him and me, and I couldn't continue like that. I'm genuinely happy for his successes. It's my turn to have my own successes.

I agree with Teal Swan in her video about the roles of women and men. I am simply a very traditional type of woman: I want children with a man who can provide. It's really difficult for men though, and it doesn't make any sense to me that both people in a couple have to work full-time if they don't want to. I know married women begged for the right to work full time and have their income count towards the total household income, but did they think it through? I agree women are fully capable of working if they want to. I know women who do jobs better than men. But isn't it counter-productive to society to need every individual person to work, especially since we have to keep creating tons of meaningless jobs just so every individual person has a job? We keep creating junk no one needs just to sell just so people have jobs. Now our oceans and lands are full of trash we bought and never needed, just so some worker could make some money. We've lost sight of working to fill a need in society, and working so one parent can stay home and raise children and continue our species. I'm so fortunate to have a job that is very meaningful and gives me purpose, but how many people have to take any mind-numbing job they can get that doesn't help make the world function better? Our unsustainable society is built on earning personal income, not built on creating families and raising children so future generations can exist and thrive. We can do better, and I'm sick of being a part of this system.  

This has been, by far, the greatest challenge of my life. More challenging than being bedridden with major health issues. Oh, but then you add in all my illnesses and then life is just impossibly stupid. What's the point? Well, I believe in the value of all of life, including my own, even when we cannot fit in with how society was built. I will find a way. I keep adapting. I lean on hope, gratitude, and faith. I don't keep anything that wasn't meant for me. I can do this. I will not compromise my values and live a life that doesn't align with truth. 

As it is now, I am happier than I have been in many years. I feel a great deal of relief. I don't feel daily stress anymore. I can give my limited to energy to what I want to give it to, and I no longer need to give it to things that don't serve me. I returned to a job that has been phenomenal for me. I have a great living arrangement. I have access to some of the best beef in the country (my diet is mostly red meat.) I have some seriously great friends in my life. I have the option to focus on gratitude without worrying about anything. I don't have to defend myself to anyone. I don't have to justify my needs. I don't have to fight to be understood. I have peace. It's wonderful. I'm where I need to be right now, and I feel aligned and centered. I need to heal more before I built my future, and I can heal in peace.

But how many women have this luxury? From what I have seen, very few. 

For instance: I've been talking to more and more people through my job who have been diagnosed with Endometriosis. The good news is that there are more surgeons who can diagnose it now, so women have more access to the surgery that can diagnose it. As I talk to these women, something very striking stands out to me: women with endometriosis are veterans who know war. We're told not to talk about it because it's uncomfortable for everyone else and we have to learn to integrate into society despite our mental and physical pain that dominates our lives. The fact that it is uncomfortable for everyone else is proof that our medical system is failing us. It's proof that our society is failing us. It's proof that we should not be treating every individual person as equally capable of thriving in how our society is structured today. It's proof that our government services are seriously lacking and allowing people to fall through the cracks or suffer. It's proof that our lack of family structure and reliance on individual success isn't working. When a woman is unable to work like a healthy man at a full-time job due to pain, fatigue, extreme bleeding, major brain-fog, PTSD, medical trauma, and emotional trauma... what then? Parents, never stop being a support for your children. Villages, come back together and help take care of your people. Government, stop spending money you don't have on things we don't need, and instead use our tax dollars to allow villages and families to support each other again. 

We're hardly a society anymore. We're a collective group of individuals. We're failing both men and women. We're failing children. We're failing the future of humanity. 

And on top of all this immense stress of simply just being a cog (person) in society's poorly-build wheel, we have to advocate for our health and avoid all the toxicity in the world. We have to work hard to stay physically healthy and not lose our health to the terrible food available to us and all the toxic synthetic chemicals in everything. We have to make choices as if we're surviving an apocalypse:  we have to choose the safest, cleanest, foods. We have to avoid plastics, preservatives, excess sugar, food dyes, pesticides, synthetic fragrances, and so on and so forth... my whole blog is about this topic. 

So, women, I beg you all to breathe. It's ok to acknowledge that we're all struggling this much. You're not failing. We're literally trying to survive an apocalypse. Families are dying, our physical and mental health is dying, children aren't being born, our ability to have healthy relationships is dying, and most of our consumer goods are toxic and poisoning us. Affordable food is very bad for us. If you're surviving, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. 

I'm writing all of this while my pain from endometriosis keeps increasing. Soon I will NEED to lay in bed with a heating pad to manage.

...And after many hours of being in bed with my heating pad, I'm back to finish this post. Except it's 11:30 at night and I should sleep. I wrote many desperate sounding statements it this post because I felt my pain increasing the whole time, but I don't disagree with anything I wrote. I will say that my hormones feel a lot better now and I no longer feel the need to express much of what I wrote. Funny how that works. The 24 hours before my period starts is always a time of deep inner reflection and creativity for me, often making me feel every ache in my soul too deeply. Oh my goodness, womanhood... it's a lot. The world has more to offer than I can experience because I'm too busy being a woman. That's ok. I was never meant to have the world. I was only meant to have my life in this world. Peace. Don't yearn for what isn't meant for us. 

I bought this heating pad and I've really liked it for managing my pain

Click the link to see it on Amazon - don't worry, I'm not an affiliate trying to sell you anything. My old one was too small, heated inconsistently, and wasn't getting the job done anymore. So I decided to try something larger. It's much better, and I like the heat the stones provide. The trouble is that the stones are icy cold until it's heated up for several minutes first. 

Resurrection / A New Hope

Hello blog!! Yes, I moved. Yes, I have written about it. No, I have not published what I have written. That's not what I want to write about here. I'm not ready to go public about the moving experience yet. 

I moved back to North Dakota 2 months ago. It wasn't possible to stay in SC because that entire situation fell apart. Although there were a few reasons why I chose to return to ND, one of the primary reasons was because I needed to know if I could reclaim my health if I let go of all stress in my life. I came here alone, meaning without my husband, and I'm living in my parent's basement. I'm being taken care of, I don't have the same level of financial stress, I removed myself from the grip of other people's tensions, and I now have the ability to be completely at peace with no intrusions on my peace. I really need to know if I can recover some of my strength in this situation. 

After 3 days of Dad driving the Uhaul, we finally saw Bismarck in the evening. 

So far, it's been an interesting experiment. I have had to do a lot of physical work, but I also don't know if that will ever actually change (or should change.) I had to unpack and build furniture, which took me a while. I'm also helping Dad with some projects. We needed to build a shed, and our backyard isn't flat, so it was certainly a project. I helped with what I was capable of helping with. We drove to Idaho and back to visit my family there. (Yep, within a month, Dad and I drove from SC to ND, then ND to Idaho. So, just a little less than coast-to-coast!) I've stayed really busy. And today I went into my old work place (Terry's!!!) and offered to go back to work, and now I start next Tuesday! Hurray!

Visiting a former job in Boise, ID last month

So keeping in mind that I'm staying busy and active (as much as possible with having ME/CFS and POTS), here are some positive observations:

- I was amazed at how much easier it has been to sleep since coming here, mostly. I've had a few nights of waking up from jolts of adrenaline. A few nights of feeling restless for hours before falling asleep. A few mornings of waking up with a racing heart. A few nights of insomnia. But overall, my sleep has seriously improved. 

- My mind is CLEAR. The anxiety is gone. The depression is gone. The sense of dread is gone. The vibrations of fear that ruled my body are gone. My mind isn't suffocating from too many thoughts racing anymore. Whatever is right in front of me is what gets my attention, and I can focus on it. 

- I'm actually starting to dream about my future, and it's enjoyable and coming to me naturally! 

- I've held my last chiropractic adjustment longer than I expected, considering how crazy everything in my life was. Moving half way across the country, mourning the loss of my birds that I had to rehome, all the physical labor, you get the idea. My last chiropractor was aggressive, but she fixed issues that were probably from my childhood. I do not generally hold adjustments well or for long, but my body is acting more resilient now. That said, yesterday I finally felt sharp pain in my neck that gave me a nasty headache, but there may be more to that.

- I have had a few crashes. In the last 2 months I've had 4 days where I couldn't do anything at all. Many days where I could only work for a couple of hours, but the day wasn't a total waste. That's really not bad for me! That means I've been spending more energy and crashing less often. I have a feeling it's because my mental stress is gone. I'm not wasting energy on the stress of other people. My brain is just calm, clear, happy, and regulating ONLY my own personal energy. And I know this is true because I've had a few instances where I immediately get worse, drained, zoned out, and feeling the old hopeless void when I've had to talk to certain people. 

- My immune system actually seems to be working a little faster. I caught a bug in Idaho and my symptoms developed quickly, and I stayed sick for almost 2 weeks. That's actually a sign my immune system is trying to do its job! I also ate something I was allergic to, and I got hives within an hour, not the next day. Very good!

Ok, but I've also been experiencing classic issues of mine that are not getting any better:

- No temperature regulation! I'm freezing then sweating then freezing then sweating... it's annoying...

- Raynaud's!! My body was red from heat while my fingers were totally numb for a few minutes. 

- My gut caused major neck and shoulder tension that made my teeth feel extra tight. I had to wait a few days for my gut issue to calm down, and all my pain subsided and the tension released. 

- I almost fainted on the toilet last night. I couldn't tolerate being upright. My heart was going to beat out of my mouth and I couldn't catch my breath. I needed to be laying down, but nature called...

- The nerve pain in my heel has been raging again. I'm sure I'm eating too much b6 because I increased how many nuts I'm eating. The solution is to cut back on b6 rich foods again, but the fiber from the nuts is really helping. There's always a problem with every food, it's annoying. 

- The bloating from Endometriosis has been way too severe. Worse than normal. I'm tempted to buy maternity clothes... sigh...

- The sharp razor blade pains in my pelvis has been bothering me more than normal every day. I cannot do certain stretches without feeling intense stabbing pain next to my hip bone. 

So overall, I think this is a lesson that stress levels were making my symptoms worse. The RELIEF I feel has been so healing! I had to start my life over, I had to go through hell to do this. I'll write about that at some point, but I'm enjoying these good feelings too much to revisit that trauma. I do think I'll be able to live a little more than I was before. I think one of the most important decisions I could have made was to choose my own path, alone, and distance myself from that which was heavily draining my energy daily. I was in survival mode for so many years, and it stopped working. I stopped surviving. I had to save my life. I couldn't continue living that life. I had to come home and start over. Going from feeling suicidal for years and only feeling a void in life, to feeling peace and hope and joy... just by leaving a situation that wasn't meant for me. It's incredible.  

It's also just the little things... All of my time belongs to me. I don't have to live by a complicated routine anymore. I choose when to make dinner, how to cook, how to manage my chores, how to keep my space, when to rest and when to move, when to sleep, when to listen to music, when to listen to myself.... My energy belongs to me again. And I'm so looking forward to working again with this renewed vigor (I love my job!) 

Eivor - Let It Come

July 2024: What Happened To The Heart?

Despite what I'm about to say in this blog, I'm really grateful for the beauty that I'm surrounded by in my life. I bought this flower at a farmer's market a few weeks after moving here at this time last year, and look at it now. It's the most amazing flower I've ever grown in my life:

I'll be turning 37 in a few weeks. I still feel so young because I feel like too little has happened in my life, but I feel the weight of age on my shoulders. It's compounded by all the doomsday scenarios all over the news: climate change will cause us to fry or freeze until we're all extinct, women's health care will regress until I can't get any medical help at all, it's impossible to afford to raise children, we're running out of electricity, no one can buy homes anymore... You get the point. I feel like I missed my opportunity to live the "American Dream" before it became impossible. Now I wonder if we're all going to die soon anyway. (I doubt it and I won't plan on it, but I entertain the thoughts.)

Part of me is actually really thankful that the "American Dream" is dying, because it's a huge responsibility and not everyone is built to endure it, and it gives me relief to be able to let go of it. Those who are built to endure it are very lucky to have the opportunity to thrive in this country, and I'm incredibly grateful for them! They are the backbone of this country and I fully support their efforts. I thought I was one of those people, but now? It's only a burden of a dead dream for me now. Before I got sick I had a lot of ambition that was instilled onto me. I understood that every person had to have a career, and so I was creative about what I wanted my career to look like. I dreamed of opening my own business, being a published novel author, landing a job working for a company that was going to save the world from itself, and giving TED Talks about how ethics in business actually lead to better productivity. I was a highly idealistic and dreamy person. I was smart and I knew it, but I didn't understand my intelligence type. I fought my natural instincts in order to do the "successful person" things. Since getting sick, all that ambition is completely gone, and all that matters is the energy that arises from my natural instincts... which isn't exactly career-oriented. I'm a nurturer, and I was built to raise a family... something that's impossible to do without a two-career household these days. 

I thought getting married was the first step to doing the right thing with my life in order to live my "American Dream," so I got married very young. I thought that was going to motivate me to make money and get my life rolling. It took me a long time to figure out that I was delusional, because I was trying to do what I was supposed to instead of live according to how I naturally am. I was very ready to be completely in love and committed to a person - that wasn't the problem. I'm built to love very hard, and commitment is a huge blessing to me, not a source of fear. The problem was that I wanted to be married because I wanted a family - which is very natural, right? It killed my career instincts. Immediately I found myself putting myself aside to support my husband in all of his dreams. I stopped investing in myself. I took any job I could find, which never paid that much. I had a college degree, yes, but that never helped me earn a decent wage. I had 2 different jobs that required my degree, and both of them paid less than $10/hr. It was very clear to me that I was built to be moral support to my husband, and it was my job to help him fulfil his career dreams. And then I got sick. Goodbye Sarah and all her dreams... getting sick became my life. And you know what? I'm tired of my life being ruled by my physical abilities. 

Side story about being a slave to my body so you can understand how difficult it is for me to plan anything in my life:

We had tickets to go see a concert of a world famous jazz musician: Wynton Marsalis. We could choose between going on a Tuesday or Saturday since he was at the venue for a residency. My husband really wanted to go on the Tuesday, but I told him that was my period due date. My period is so extreme that I absolutely cannot do anything on the day of my period, but the PMS is also very intense. It's always better to schedule everything in my life for the week after my period. So I said Saturday was the better day to go. Well, Tuesday came and went and my period didn't come, although the pain was enough to make me believe it would come at any moment. But it didn't. I ended up being 6 days late, and why? It started overnight on Friday and caused me a ton of problems all Saturday morning. We had to leave by 3 pm to get to the concert on time. My husband had been calling around asking for anyone else to take my ticket and go with him, but it was too last minute and no one was able to. I made a last moment decision at 3 pm to go with him, because I was just getting past the worst and was entering the recovery phase. It meant 4 hours in the car, and somehow managing with difficult public bathrooms while there. But I was angry at my body and I was angry that money would go to waste. So I chose to go with him. I wore a dress so I could wear my overnight pad, because my menstrual cup can't contain it all, took some medication, and went with him. I delt with the poor public bathroom options. I was dizzy and wanted to lay down through the concert. But I really enjoyed the music, which lifted my spirits and helped me endure. If my period had started even an hour or two later I wouldn't have gone, so I got very lucky.  

Now I'm in South Carolina for his career... I'm not going to write freely about my entire experience here, not at this point in time. But I can say it's been highly unsettled, triggering depression like I've never known before. It's been very difficult for me to just go get any job I can, because it doesn't work that way here. I can't drive far safely - most of the time I can drive 10 minutes before I zone out too much, and there isn't much within 10 minutes. Most jobs here are manufacturing jobs, followed by fast food. Manufacturing jobs are never going to work for me because they'll never hire me part-time, and the jobs are highly physical and require more energy than I have. So many of them are essentially slave-labor too... I have been told many stories from locals here. Many of them only offer rotating shifts of 12 hour days, but the work is highly repetitive and causes repetitive stress injury. No, I can't survive in that environment in my physical condition. To be clear, it's because of the small town I'm living in. If I were in one of the cities I wouldn't be having such a problem... maybe. There's a lot of competition for jobs. South Carolina is growing rapidly. I feel extremely useless... like there's no reason to be alive. I could get into the climate, pollen, mold, poor infrastructure, and poverty issues too... I could write a lot about how inhospitable it is for my health condition, but I imagine I don't need to explain much. Extreme heat, pollen, and widespread mold problems says everything. I feel like I lost a battle with the culture of this state before I even took a swing at it. The standards of living are very low, and the expectation is that every person is able-bodied and can work like slaves. At least in the small town I'm in. Imagine me calling in sick for my period... it doesn't matter that I have endometriosis. I would get fired quickly. 

Aurora's new album, "What Happened to the Heart" has been a massive inspiration for me these past few weeks. I know I'm always sharing her music in this blog, but she always expresses what's in my heart and on my mind. It's very poetic and the themes align perfectly with all the weight on my own heart. She sings about what it means to be human in a disconnected world: tackling issues of AI, loss of independence and the desire to be free, inability to repair relationships due to selfishness, how to be remembered in a world that isn't paying attention, worshiping idols that don't love us back, and how necessary it is to love. I was already feeling all the themes very deeply, then she comes along with this album that expresses my heart perfectly. But I know we're all feeling these themes to some degree.

The Essence

In another life

Home feels like home

I've mourned you now

Longer than I've known you

As the trees cry their leaves

Vulnerable, just like me

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We all hurt sometimes

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We are running through the waves of time

And the truth can lie

In the arms of a fight

And I try, and I try

But it hurts so much

To be in touch

So I'd rather not

We make amends with the roads we cross

Like rivers flow

To be near your ground

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We all hurt sometimes

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We are running through the waves of time

And the truth can lie

In the arms of a fight

And I try, and I try

But it hurts so much

To be in touch

With the essence of us

A Soul With No King

I know you know me and you always will

Like a man with no wisdom and a soul with no king

A soul with no king, hmm

I know you fear me, your heart unfulfilled

Like a world with no mother and a home never built

But if this is what you want

Why speak of right and wrong?

You still go in for the kill

You speak of the devil

Like he's not your friend

When the world starts to burn

Give your water to him

(Call my name)

Call my name

Nothing will ever change, no guilt, no shame

Call out my name when you need me again

Nothing will ever change, no guilt, no shame

Call out my name when you need me again

If you know who I am, why won't you call my name?

Everything I do I do for Love - An ME/CFS Lament

Do you live with an "impending sense of doom" that nags at you every day?

I do.

I have since moving to South Carolina, but the feeling has grown stronger and stronger. Along with it, my health has declined more and more. 

There are rational reasons for feeling this way. This was not a move that offered security, but instead, amplified a lot of doubt about the future. Adding to the instability is fear of the economy. We're in stagflation now, some have called it a silent depression as well, and an official recession is looming. I don't feel like I'll survive if we carry on as we are right now. I worry the jobs and then the money will disappear. As someone in a reel on Instagram said, "There is no middle class now. You either have money or you don't. If you're making only $100k per year, you don't have money." 

The problem with ME/CFS is that the condition doesn't allow us the energy to worry. If we spend energy on worry, we won't have energy to do anything else. It makes it extremely challenging to plan complicated issues such as surviving a major economic crash, and if I do come up with a plan, it's even more difficult to find the energy to take action. If you have a spouse that doesn't agree with you, it's almost impossible to fight. 

This morning I was incredibly tired from days of mental gymnastics, trying to plan my future so I'll be ok. I'm still in a daze, but if I don't release these thoughts then they'll continue to drain me. I sat outside on the porch and watched the birds, soaked in the sun, and let my mind take a break. I just let myself feel tired. The problem was that the thoughts kept coming back as I observed the world around me. I thought about how I would love to be a bird, because their lives are simple: survive and procreate, but have fun flying too. Sure, they have all sorts of stress, such as being eaten by other animals, but their lives are not complicated by the societal expectations of other birds. And how humans can't just let humans live the way birds let each other live, we all have to compete for money and make ourselves useful to people with more power than us. I watched all the cars drive by on the road in front of my house. Many of them were business vehicles: pest control, heating and air, campus security (I live on the edge of the university), emergency service vehicles... how many of those people are going to earn enough money doing those jobs to keep a roof over their heads when the economy tanks? As it is, it's hard to afford food. It's hard to keep my mind from going right back to these overwhelming thoughts of worry. Maybe they already paid off their house, maybe their spouse makes a ton of money, maybe they have the ability to live on beans and rice without slowing down because of a bad diet... it must be nice to not need so much to manage your health and be able to focus on work. 

It must be so nice to be healthy enough to just focus on a job every day, and not have time to worry. Have a task to do to stay occupied. How nice it must be to go to work, do something physical like build a fence for a client, and then go home with money and the feeling of security. The problem with ME/CFS is that I don't have the endurance to just go do a job like that. Can you imagine me hammering nails when I can't even find the strength to cook breakfast (I have not eaten yet today...)? What do I have to keep me occupied, build my sense of security, and feel like I can rely on myself to survive? Nothing. I have nothing. Because I have to rely on my husband, and he's not making enough money to build up any savings. We're living paycheck to paycheck. Which, let's be honest, is totally absurd... he has a doctorate and works at a university. But the problem is that inflation is rising and wages are not - he has a great job for pre-pandemic times. I'm on disability, so I do contribute, but I feel like dead weight. He'd be okay in a smaller, cheaper rental without me... I can't help but think these thoughts.  

When people tell me I have so much to live for... well, it's funny, isn't it? If we saw a crippled deer in nature, we'd probably put it out of it's misery, or sit and watch while a predator eats it. When we see crippled humans, what do we do? Some have compassion, but in my experience, most tend to judge them for not contributing to society and making more money. So many people want disabled humans to be some sort of inspiration: "Peggy lives with chronic pain, but that doesn't stop her from being a billionaire, so what's your excuse you lazy bum???" The reality is that "Peggy" was probably born into a wealthy family and already had the means to grow wealth, and odds are she's able to afford the best medical care so that she can work. But no, in my experience, people are so caught up in the rat race that they can't understand anyone not racing hard along side them, no matter what handicaps they have. Why should I have to live to participate in the rat race? I don't want to race. I'd be happy to just exist and share all the love in my heart... but that doesn't make money. I mean, I can find ways to do very purposeful work that pays me some money. $100k per year, though? Even $50k per year? No... I don't have the energy or experience to meet those expectations in a job that would pay that. Money money money money money money money money money... if no one will pay me in money or support me with their money, what do I have to live for? Because it's not actually possible to live with poor health and without money. 

Sitting outside caused me to focus on some issues with my health too:

- My eyes can't focus well. They go in and out of seeing everything through a blur. I don't think it's a vision problem because I am able to see clearly when I have energy. 

- The pollen count is exceptionally high here, and everything is coated in a yellow layer. My allergies are causing me some issues. I've been dealing with rashes, bloody noses, runny nose, eye irritation, lots of coughing and sneezing... do you realize how much energy it takes to deal with allergy symptoms?

- Yesterday I sneezed and caused me to feel an intense stabbing pain near my ovary, and it throbbed for a while after. It made me scream and cry a little. I questioned if I had just ripped something and needed the ER... and how in the world can I afford the ER? That would bankrupt me. There's absolutely no way I could deal with a thousand dollar medical charge. It left me profoundly scared at the idea. I'm not really ok when I'm one medical emergency away from financial disaster. I wondered if it was smart of me to sit outside, which could induce another sneeze...

- I am hitting brick walls more and more often. What I mean is that I'll be doing a task or talking to someone, when suddenly I can't do it more. It's like my body's power supply shuts off and I go dark. There's basically nothing I can do to reboot and continue. I just turn off and wait for my body to recover. 

- Why was my period 6 days late? I had to endure PMDD torture for 6 extra days. Why do I have to live like this? I had 2.5 weeks of PMDD which caused me to hate being in my own skin, and challenged me to get anything done. I can't live like this. 

And so... I wonder... what is my life for? I just want to love and be loved by you. Nothing else really matters. Love is why I want to work. Love is why I want a family. Love is why I want to live my life. Who are the people who understand that the meaning of life is to love? That everything we do, we do for love? Where are you? Because I'm drowning in a culture that thinks how much money you make is more important than how well you love people, even though no job is willing or able to pay more... the wealthy don't work jobs. They were born into wealth and know how to invest it. People who live to earn money in jobs are the poor now. So even if I work to earn money, I'll still be poor. There's no digging myself out of this hole as long as I'm this sick, and if I miraculously heal and start working full time, I'll still be sitting next to the hole, always aware how easy it is fall back down into it. 

The people who I have confided in and care about me the most keep telling me exactly the lyrics of this song (actually, instead of "love yourself" they say "be selfish," but they mean the same thing):

The Boxer Rebellion - Love Yourself 

You told yourself
"I'd write a letter today"
Tell the world that you would hurt yourself
Can't look in a mirror much less anyone else

You try to move on from here
But you look like a ghost alive
You can't think always running in place
A lost soul that won't show his face

But I know you're just someone who's feeling all alone
You're just someone who doesn't seem to know which way to turn
If you just ask for help, if you just ask for help
First thing I'll say is you gotta love yourself

Find it hard to take
Hard to take even the best of praise
A pair of hands that became too tough
A growing armor for whatever they might touch

But I know you're just someone who's feeling all alone
You're just someone who doesn't seem to know which way to turn
If you just ask for help, if you just ask for help
First thing I'll say is you gotta love yourself

And while I completely agree with them.... what I'm feeling is this:

Simon and Garfunkel - El Condor Pasa (If I Could)

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would, mmm hmm

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would, mmm hmm

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would mmm, hmm

I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would

And what I'm seeing in the world today is this attitude... 

Tom Odell - money

(I hope it's understood that this song is a criticism, not an anthem)

Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money
Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money

Walk out the door
Thank the Lord for my Gucci and Dior
We're looking so great
We take, take, take
All we gotta do is

Take another picture of me
Take another picture of me
Take another hit and you'll see
That if you want it, you gotta get mean 'cause
We're just kids climbing up the trees
Just kids climbing up the trees

Walk out the door
Thank the Lord, ain't no time for being poor
We're looking so great
We take, take, take
All we gotta do is

Make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money
Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money

The State of the Union... of the World.

Unsustainable Government Business Model That Causes Society to Collapse

Create a Capitalist society with very few regulations. 

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Lots of people go into business selling unregulated things, like snake oil, to make a profit. 

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Create food and body care products that are pleasing and addicting, but a little bit toxic. 

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Get the population to buy these products in mass, making their use normal and commonplace.

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Create lots of people with mild chronic illnesses because the food and products they use aren't quite healthy enough to sustain their health. 

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More people need medical care. Insurance is invented to help people pay for medical care.

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Doctors are well intentioned, but their education is very limited to one area so they don't see the whole picture of health. 

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Doctors are primarily taught how to sell medications, not how to heal people. 

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Lots of people buy medications that only manage symptoms of illnesses as long as patients continue to take them regularly. 

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People become addicted to drugs without improving their health.

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More people get a little bit sick and more babies are born with health issues. 

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The entire Capitalism system relies on people buying things, so more people go into businesses selling food and products without enough safety regulations. Businesses invent things people don't need, then advertise why everyone needs them and shame people who don't use them (like fabric softener or air fresheners.)

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More people start to complain of new health issues from using these products, like allergies and eczema.

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More drugs are produced to sell to people for a wider range of health complaints. 

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People with illnesses realize they're not getting healthier, and their insurance only helps them get discounts on doctors that just give them drugs that don't fix the root causes of their health problems. They grow frustrated with how much money they're spending on health care, with not enough money left from their paychecks to buy food and products that don't make them sick enough to need doctors.

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"Health and wellness" businesses pop up that teach people how to prevent getting sick, because that's where people are willing to spend money. People don't want to see doctors anymore because they don't help.

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People listen to "alternative advice" to try and reclaim their health, such as: exercise as much as you can (until you injure yourself,) avoid salt for your heart (your heart requires salt,) stop eating meat because it's bad for your blood (your blood is built off all nutrients in meat,) and start buying and eating synthetic and ultra processed foods like protein bars and shakes because it's better than nature could provide for you (and creates a lot of profit for big businesses.)

↓

Companies pervert vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. They make them as cheap as possible to produce without caring if they're effective, then thrive on selling you these synthetic vitamins that are promoted as "natural." (Because the word "natural" has no regulation.)

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More people than ever are feeling sick, fatigued, and weak. They discover that their synthetic vitamins are not solving deficiencies in their blood work, and they start developing new problems from taking them, such as nerve pain or kidney stones. 

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Chronic illnesses become more severe and more common, and more people can't work due to them. People have less money, less trust in doctors, and less clarity on how to improve.

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Good honest people who aren't interested in money, but are interested in fixing the problem start going into business: Naturopathic doctors, functional medicine doctors, holistic nutrition coaches, food and environmental researchers, farmers that learn better ways, etc. They are successful in helping people heal and get better, as long as people can afford them.

↓
Doctors who actually know what they're doing stop accepting insurance that we're forced to pay for, because insurance dictates how they treat patients and these doctors know better. The wealthy have access to real medical help.
↓

Food businesses pop up based on the research, such as organic and regenerative agriculture produce with sustainable healthy practices. It's more expensive than the unhealthy food that dominates the market, so not everyone can afford it. People who can afford it start eating a lot better and feeling a lot better. They stop buying food from anyone else and avoid buying any products they don't trust.

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Big megacorporations start to buy out these small successful doctors and business. Then private equity groups manage all the finances of the megacorporations. Now many of the good food companies are generating money for the people who made food toxic in the first place. 

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More and more people start to wake up and realize that the whole system is rigged to keep them sick and only generate profits for the megacorporations and private equity groups. 

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More and more people lose sight of the meaning of life while in this Capitalistic society. Some start to fight back and start their own farms to live off of. Others give up and commit suicide. Others go on feeling really depressed and unhappy in life, losing themselves in mindless pleasures until they die. 

↓

Fewer and fewer people are able to find jobs that treat them like humans, especially people with chronic illnesses who can't keep up with demands, and fewer and fewer people are able to earn enough money to keep up with the inflation that comes as a result. 

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Too many people stop having babies because they're not affordable or the parents aren't healthy enough. 

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People with good intentions try to create new ways to help people have babies, such as IVF, but it goes against many religions and it's too expensive for many people. It also doesn't always work.

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 So then the population declines drastically. Most of the remaining population fights some type of chronic illnesses, to varying degrees of severity. People don't have the energy to fight back, and people are way too confused to know what to do about it.

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Lots of businesses go out of business. People don't care. They didn't have the money to shop anyway.

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Education goes out of business. People don't care, because they didn't like paying for what they were teaching anyway. 

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There are fewer and fewer doctors and lawyers, because fewer people are educated. There are fewer businesses, so people are forced to buy only what's available from people who are already super rich. Because only the super rich have what they need to run businesses. 

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Eventually society reaches a breaking point that causes societal collapse. People must start over and rebuild with new direction, other people invade and take our lands, or people give up and die. 

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Life goes on, forcing people to start over fresh.

What could have prevented this fate? Respect for your fellow human. Businesses should have always been conducted with respect for life and health, but instead they viewed people as cash cows to be milked dry. Health is a businesses model, not a human right. 

I left out a lot of factors, such as the power of distraction, slavery, unfair trade due to globalization, housing businesses models, and more.

I believe it's too late to fix the problem. There's no way to turn this sinking ship around without sinking us even faster. We're going to sink. There's already a ton of water rushing in. 

I'm not scared, though. This isn't a source of worry for me. I am of the opinion that everything needs to fall apart. We need to fail. And then we need to learn from our mistakes and start over. Look at all the previous empires that have fallen. Their collapses were not the end of the world. People always start over. 

The problem now is a little more complicated. The world is globalized and we have been depleting the resources. If one country goes down, it affects the rest of the world. We've managed to turn way too much soil into desert that food cannot grow on, so if we start over we're going to have to heal the land first. It won't be easy. But humanity will survive and we'll start over. Unless the next great mass extinction wipes out humanity - there have been a few mass extinctions that killed around 80% of life on earth before we came to be. It could happen. It's not out of the question. Nuclear war is possible too. Or bacteria that is antibiotic resistant grows in our guts and kills us all from the inside out. Or deadly mold (or mushrooms) grows on everything and chokes us out. It's all possible. Life is fickle. 

Until then, how in the world are people like me supposed to survive? I'm not healthy enough to make enough money to keep up with inflation and demands. I could try to lean to invest and live off dividends - who wants to help me learn? Of course, that means I'd be investing in evil practices that I don't support, but I hey, I need money. But in the end, my health is pretty bad and it's become difficult to enjoy living. I must find direction to help me live as happily as possible. 

What do I want out of life? I should just focus on that, right? Love and children. All I want is a family to live for. I'm really happy doing work that makes people's lives better too, such as working in a local, regenerative food system that makes food that is actually nutritious and heals the land. I need the energy for it, obviously, but I'll do whatever part I can. But it all feels really lonely without a family to love. And I have not been blessed with children, nor do I have the energy... in fact doctors have told me not to get pregnant because my body is too weak to handle it. 

More and more people are thinking like me. I've talked to so many people with chronic illnesses who are so jaded and have no faith in the medical system. More and more people are telling me they don't see the point in trying. 

People are losing faith in the meaning of life because evil profits the most.

People are tired of living for the benefit of evil. 

Anyway, I'll be voting for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President.

What!? But he's that conspiracy theorist who is anti-vaxx right!? Hmmm... is he more of a conspiracy theorist than Trump, or is he actually fact-based? Yes, any man who claims that people have been lied to and wants to tell you the truth will always sound like a conspiracy theorist. The difference is that Kennedy is a highly successful lawyer who has fought against megacorportations like Monsanto and won on the ground that they cause harm to people. He actually knows company secrets, works with actual scientists, and is fact-based. He was a democrat, but is running as an Independant now. I actually have some hope for our future if he wins the election, and he's polling very very well. If Trump or Biden win I will carry on without much hope... until it's impossible to carry on because everything collapses. 

We have to be brave enough to want the truth, not to be submissive slaves to a system that "takes care of us" by sending our tax dollars to the other countries without addressing problems at home. You think Trump will take care of us common folk? Ha! He is jealous that he hasn't been part of a war yet. War boosts the economy too, you know. But it won't solve any problems. 

I'm not telling you to "wake up" because that implies you've been sleeping. No one has been sleeping, but many people have been comfortable in their own biases. Including me. I'm telling you to be open to new ways of thinking, look beyond your biases, and accept reality for what it is instead of what you want it to be. 

U2 - Cailfornia (There Is No End To Love)

I've seen for myself

There's no end to grief

That's how I know

Whoa, that's how I know

And why I need to know that there is no

Yeah, there is no end to love

U2 - Sleep Like a Baby Tonight

Hope is where the door is

When the church is where the war is

Where no one can feel no one else’s pain

Muse - Uprising

Paranoia is in bloom

The PR transmissions will resume

They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down

And hope that we will never see the truth around

Moby - Dark Days ft. Lady Blackbird

If you stay you're gonna go

Underneath down below

So I'll fly

Fly away

From the apocalypse

David Byrne & St Vincent - Who

Who is an honest man?

Who is an honest man?

And just for a good laugh (because it's supposed to be ridiculously over the top... don't take the bad language seriously, it's a joke in the spirit of how serious the world is now):

Muse - We are Fucking Fucked

You really believe

We can survive all of this

The black vacuum of the universe

It was designed

To swallow us whole

It's a losing game

We're at death's door

Another world war

Wildfires and earthquakes I foresaw

A life in crisis, A deadly virus

Tsunamis of hate are gonna find us...Ahh

We are fucking fucked... Ahh

We are fucking fucked

We're at deaths' door

Another world war

Wildfires and earthquakes I foresaw

A life in crisis, Mutated virus

Tsunamis of hate are gonna drown us... Ahh

We are fucking fucked... We are fucking fucked

True

Just when you think

You are safe and secure

You'll forget what you need to remember

Living in peace

But you're living a lie

The game is rigged

We're at deaths' door

Another world war

Wildfires and earthquakes I foresaw

A life in crisis, Mutated virus

Tsunamis of hate are gonna drown us

Ahh... We are fucking fucked

Ahh... We are fucking fucked

Hole up

Stockpile

Hoard up

We are getting fucking fucked

Ahh... We are getting fucked

Ahh... We are getting fucked

Hey, hey, hey, fuck off

Hey, hey, hey, stockpile

Hey, hey, hey, fuck off

Hey, hey, we are getting fucking fucked

3 Days of Rashes

Rashes! For 3 days! I'm puffy, swollen, have hives, have rashes, and I'm positively miserable. I'm very fatigued and feel almost no emotional capacity.

No, I don't know what is causing this, but there are possibilities. I'm going emotionally numb after all the heartache I've been through. (Someone tried to commit suicide again last night, and I'm just... I have nothing left to process it with.) I also started my period 4 days early, in contrast to being over a week late the last few months. It was much more painful than it has been and came with other bathroom issues. My diet hasn't been bad, but I've been eating less protein than I should in favor of more easy nuts and seeds to snack on. It's possible I can't tolerate that much. The weather is also making drastic sudden changes a lot, and I tend to flare during sudden changes like this. I'm also still on my doctor's mold protocol and maybe it just took a month to push out this much through my skin. I took a sauna when I was little too weak to handle it. My sleep has been... really bad. And then last night I was able to sleep solid like a rock because my period started. There's a lot of possibilities.

Anyway, I'm miserable. I feel like my hormones all dumped out of my body and I don't have any left to be human with. I'm in pain and itchy. I feel way too weak when standing up, occasionally out of breath and sweating just from standing. POTS is in full swing right now, and I'm vibrating even just sitting or laying down. I'm so over this.

Forgive me for not writing more informative posts like I used to. I'm just dealing with this. It's all I can do.

Processing Depression Caused by Events

It's so easy to feel defeated. I've had a rough couple of weeks, and these experiences have led me to feel really depressed.

I have had several friends with severe medical emergencies and I had reason to worry for their lives. All at the same time. If one of these friends of mine does not survive it will be the second friend I will have lost to cancer. Another friend has been so sick that she became suicidal, and at times resistant to help. Of course I fought hard to help her fight for her life, but deep inside I couldn't help but wonder if I could fight if I was in her situation. Another friend ended up on life support after a car accident - that has been devastating. I also know 2 people who have had heart attacks recently. It's... overwhelming, to say the least.

And so, I decided to watch "Call Me Francis" / "Llamame Francisco" this week. I needed a true story about hardship to help me gain perspective. I also genuinely wanted to learn more about Pope Francis and Argentina. The mini-series does not educate or explain anything. It assumes you understand Argentine history fully. I had to talk to an Argentine friend of mine and do a lot of reading on my own to understand the circumstances in the story. Hours of research for 4 hours of show, but it was very enlightening. Learning about the Argentine 70's crisis with the military coup and the dictatorship was very interesting, but I don't know if I was in the right state of mind to learn about it objectively. Between the show and my research, I couldn't help but cry a lot over the kidnapping of pregnant mothers and the illegal adoption of their children. I cried when they showed the military throwing family members out of planes. Watching a story about how Padre Jorge (Pope Francis now) was actively involved in negotiating how the church helped these people was very enlightening. In the end, I learned that Argentina, while not recovered from these horrible events in the 70's, loves its people. They struggle with a terrible economy and a very high poverty rate right now, but they take care of themselves as best they can, because they actually care about offering the best quality of life that they can to their people. But I cannot help but feel shaken from learning about their recent atrocities. (No, don't tell me about other atrocities in world history to go learn about, I don't have the heart for it right now.)

I'm finding it is actually really difficult for me to read or learn about great people that live their lives well and accomplish a lot with their lives. Of course I'm extremely grateful to Pope Francis and admire him very much. (Don't let that statement get religious political - I don't care about your arguments about his church leadership right now. I'm referring to how he navigated the dire circumstances he lived through.)

But as I learn about these people I keep asking myself why I haven't figured out how to do great things with my life. Why are my years being wasted on nursing my health and entertaining myself in the process? Why are my talents and skills not getting developed so I can use them to help people in the world? A major reason is my chronic fatigue, but another major reason is my personality. I've never wanted to dedicate much time to developing skills beyond what was helpful enough to me to get tasks done, when it always felt more important to me to dedicate time to understanding people and morality. I'm one of those people who sits back and observes and reflects for years too long, and by the time I am ready to act, I find the next passion to ponder on for years too long. What do I do with all these thoughts? But how long have I really had this chronic fatigue? I might not have recognized it when I was younger because I was used to being that way, plus I'm introverted. When it caused me to be totally bedridden then I took notice. If not for the chronic fatigue, would I have done more action in my life to be more accomplished?

I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I should be doing great things despite my disability. I want to leave my mark on the world. But sometimes I can't see beyond my friends who are suffering so much. Sometimes I can't see beyond how terrible people have been throughout human history, and those who did great things for humanity make me feel like I'm not contributing to making the world better the way I should be. What is my purpose? I can't wait until I heal - what if I never do? What can I do in my current condition that won't overtax me and make me worse? I'm finding that what I am doing is overtaxing me and making me worse: I'm caring too much for people. I invest my energies into being their friends. It's not their fault, there is nothing to blame. It's just who I am. I just care. Too much. But if I make myself go numb to help me emotionally then I'll lose all sight of my purpose in life.

The USA's healthcare is a nearly complete failure for most of those with chronic illnesses. It leads people to suicide. It's way too expensive, doctors are too overworked and can't dedicate time to patients, doctors that are not trained in the illnesses try to poorly treat or dismiss us... it's a nightmare. And I'm one of those depressed chronically ill people who is feeling lost in the system. I am way better off than many people - so many people are substantially way worse than me. My disability is in the middle of the severity spectrum - I'm moderate. It significantly impacts my life, but hasn't completely stopped it. Too many people live in the severe category, in which their disability has completely prevented them from doing anything more than just staying alive minute by minute. I have the same struggles with the system, but it's not as dire for me. So trying to convince suicidal friends to use this system, because it's the only system there is, feels like I'm encouraging them to not get properly cared for so they can feel even more hopeless. It's a nightmare.

And so I have to keep reminding myself that saving the world is not my responsibility. I can't let world problems crush my spirit. At best, I need to keep my focus on my friends that I can do something for, even if it's just moral support. Being their friends, even though these major health issues, has helped me as much I hope I help them. Is it a waste of my energy? I don't think so. I might be full of grief and feeling depressed, but my heart is full of love because of them. I would feel depressed if I didn't have friends, or had friends who were healthy and so we can't relate to each other.

Planning is Impossible

It's too early for my period to begin, about 10 days too early, but I'm in full blown PMS feeling like I'll begin the cycle at any moment. This is horrendous timing. If I'm this early this month, then I'll probably start my period while I'm traveling next month. It will ruin the entire *expensive* trip. Why did I schedule the trip so close to my period? I had no way to predict what would happen. I was very late the last two months. I had limited options of when I would be able to go due to my husband's schedule. I just had to guess on when would be a safe time to go.

Blood pressure is 89/57, pulse hovering around 100.

Sleep? I had nightmares all week when I was actually asleep. Last night I was finally exhausted enough that I got 9 hours of sleep, but I woke up feeling worse than every other day with poor sleep this week. My acupuncturist explained that my liver qi is rising, causing the nightmares.

I feel like I'm anemic - anemic on blood, life force, will to live... I'm just so weak today, physically and mentally.

I'm so tired of stressing over my body's problems lining up with my life plans. I can never stop worrying. I can never trust that I'll be able to participate in anything in my future.

In the words of Freddie Mercury, sometimes I wish I had never been born at all.
Why did God design our bodies so that we could suffer so often and to such a great amount? This is my cross to bear. I could be suffering just as badly in other ways. I could live in a war torn country learning to live with constant death all around me. Instead, I was born into a very stable loving situation. My suffering is just constant physical pain and exhaustion. But it's enough to drive me to insanity. To live with constant grief over missing out on my one and only chance to fully live life is enough to drive me to insanity.


Anyway, I really need to delay this period. I need to it at least start when it's supposed to. It simply cannot be early.

I'm going to try doubling my progesterone cream amount, and I'm going to take a Chinese herb blend (called Twin Sages) that is for stopping excessive bleeding. It has the type of ginseng in it that can help delay periods. We'll see if it works.

I'll probably end up getting stuck in this level of extreme fatigue and moodiness for the next 10 days if actually works. That's better than starting my period early next month while traveling.


I have the feeling that the best time of my life will be post-menopause. Then I'll give the middle finger to endometriosis and live spontaneously.

I am one of the most suppressed versions of myself. I wonder what kind of life I'm living in alternative realities where endometriosis, POTS, chemical and environmental sensitivities, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression don't control me? I wonder how many children I'd have, what kind of career I'd have, how many times I would have climbed Mt. Everest, how many books I would have written...

PMS is Torture

Extra long PMS

OMG



This was captured 2 days before my period started, so I had a 43 day cycle. I'm used to PMS being awful. I'm not used to PMS lasting 2.5 weeks, give or take a day or two because I think my symptoms began with what was actually ovulation. Ovulation just came late, so it was difficult for me to tell at the time.

It started with the mood change, cravings, and skin issues (acne, large pores, looking pale and malnourished.) The cramping set in after a week of that, then the bloating and heaviness in my gut. My mood issues came with feeling very withdrawn, not wanting to engage with people. After 1.5 weeks of this, thinking my period was due, I started to get the rest of my PMS symptoms. The breast tenderness, bowel pain, ovaries feeling like they're twisting and sending shooting stabbing pains down my legs to my knees, worsened insomnia with angry dreams, joint pain, fibromyalgia aches in all my muscles, disturbed vision, much weaker and more dizzy, very increased resting heart rate... it was like a 2nd PMS. That lasted for an additional week of torture.

The reason I'm reporting all of this is because it's so important to say how PMS can be just as bad as the period itself, if not worse. I actually dread PMS more than my period now. My mood was dark - so dark that I started to have suicidal thoughts (I wasn't planning anything, just thinking about how death would be an exit... this isn't abnormal, unfortunately.) I was too weak to accomplish anything, and too mentally blank and emotionless to enjoy anything. I spent about a week doing nothing - I couldn't do anything. I hated people, hated myself, didn't have a way to pass the time that made me happy, could hardly force myself to get anything like chores done... I was in this limbo, and I was ready to snap.

I do believe I have PMDD. Doctors have suggested it, but it's not officially diagnosed, I don't think. I'd have to read my charts to see if they put it down as an issue. PMDD is PMS on steroids, but it's classified as a psychological issue. PMDD is about the mood disorder that comes with PMS, mainly how the person so negatively relates to other people during PMS. It's not that I can't be nice or sincere, it's not that I'll be mean to you or blow up at you. It's that I seriously don't have the spirit to talk to anyone, listen to anyone, or even tolerate myself. I need interactions to be very short, very to the point, and almost mechanical - just do your business and be done with me.

You can't say I didn't try hard to manage this. I took my methylated vitamins, loaded up on vitamin D, my hormone balancing herbs, my bio identical progesterone cream, went to acupuncture and chiropractor each week, ate mostly blood building foods, exercised as I was capable, took lots of hot ginger baths, took my calming and cortisol suppressing herbs as needed, had a lot of alone time away from people... no one can say I didn't try hard.

My period *FINALLY* came last Saturday ALLELUIA! I had to call in sick to work... again. I have no control over this, which is why I chose to be very upfront and honest about this issue during my interview for this job.

My period was very painful, as expected. Remember how I had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and remove endometriosis? I'm not sure what it actually accomplished, aside from an official diagnosis. In fact, PMS has been worse than I'm used to since the surgery. I had 2 periods that were not very painful or heavy after the surgery, but then they went back to heavy and painful. The PMS, though? OMG.

But guess what? Yesterday, Sunday, the day after my period started, I felt SO MUCH RELIEF. I found myself wanting to talk to my husband. I messaged friends and laughed. I got some housework done. I shoveled the driveway! I didn't feel strong. I fought my POTS symptoms pretty hard a few times. But I mentally felt good. I wanted to be a part of my family again. I wanted to engage with people. I felt human! My period has become the remedy to PMS, when it used to be that my period was the scariest most dreaded part of my month.

From my Oura Ring.

(Note: The Oura is actually pretty bad at detecting when I wake up. I tend to lay in bed for an hour or longer after waking to find my strength and get up. It tends to show I get an hour or more of light or REM sleep than I do because of this. I need to learn to take it off once I'm awake to get better readings.)

This night was a week before my period started, but it's the best example I had from that week of what PMS was doing to my sleep. Most other nights had very choppy data, as if the ring couldn't read me for 30 min to an hour at a time during the night. Which tells me there's an issue... not sure if it's with the ring being unable to keep up with me, or if the ring wasn't tight enough because I was too cold.


And then my period started. Brachycardia! Whoa. The only time I see a heart rate below 60 is the night after my period starts. This has been consistent in all my recordings this year. Even my ZioPatch from my Neurologist showed the same thing. My Fitbit Alta 2 actually said I got down to 57, but I'm not expecting perfect accuracy from either device. I just get to see a general idea of my body's changes.



So to any of you women who tell me I focus way too much on my period and I need to learn to just push through it... well part of me really wants to get rude and nasty and tell you to **** off. But I'd rather just be understood, build empathy and compassion, and have your support.

And no, I refuse birth control. There is no way I'm going to take non-bio identical synthetic "hormones" that shuts down my production of real natural hormones and makes my body think it is pregnant long term. I don't want the very long list of side effects, especially the ones that will exacerbate my other conditions. It does not manage endometriosis very well - just ask the support groups I'm in with 20k women. The fact of the matter is that PMS has never been as bad as it has been since that surgery. Will synthetic hormones really fix that problem?

Anyway, now that I got this post off my chest, I want to go back to enjoying being myself! Hopefully for 3 weeks this time!