Switching Off Survival Mode

I'm currently in the stage of my cycle that causes my empathy and creativity to be in overdrive, but also heightens my feelings of deep sadness that fuel a compulsion to save the world from pain and suffering. It also causes me to feel immense fatigue at the thought of taking action, so all I can do is dream of solutions that quickly fizzle out in my brain.  This is the stage that takes places days before my period begins. Also, the pain probably influences my brain too... pain influences everything. 

Here's what I can't stop thinking about: 

I keep observing that people are living in "survival mode." We are a collective group of individuals all suffering independently because we've been trained that we must be 100% self-sufficient on our own without ever depending on anyone else. The reason this is so stressful is because it goes against human nature. We're a social and dependent species. It's in our DNA to need other humans for our survival. We're trying so hard to accomplish being totally independent, but as a result, we forgot how to be dependable for other people who we need in our lives. 

As a result, people are recognizing that they need healthy attention, but they don't know what healthy attention looks like, so they'll be satisfied with any attention. So they're settling for acting in unhealthy ways in order to attract unhealthy attention, because any attention feels better than no attention. It's like settling for eating a bowl of candy for a meal simply because you don't know how to find a meal of steak and veggies to eat. 

What all people really need is to meet their dependency needs. This looks like: respect for the soil we stand on and the natural environment of the earth that we live in, a reliable small community of people to belong to, a skill or value to contribute to people in our community, and a curiosity for each other that inspires us to care deeply about each other above anything in our lives. We need to care about our community more than our jobs, our money, and our ambitions. Our communities should create our jobs and the role we fill in our small local society. Our communities should meet our needs. 

Until we learn how to be people who serve each other, we're going to starve to death for healthy attention. We're going to keep making bad choices in our relationships, personal ambitions, goals, and our moral values. We're going to continue to view other people as "toxic" because they get in our ways of living our own personal lives according to our own personal standards. We're going to continue to teach each other to cut "toxic" people out of our lives, so that we can each do what we want with our lives. 

Don't we understand that we're creating "toxic" people by denying other people respect? The less respect we give to each other, the more these other people will ferment in their own self-pity and insecurities that causes them to develop poor coping mechanisms that lead them to acting to "toxic" ways. If we don't want to deal with toxic people, let's encourage each other to be better and lead by example, right? We need to develop a culture of respect.

We should reframe our minds to view other people and ourselves with curiosity. When you learn to wonder "why" you behave in certain ways, you'll start to observe your real needs. Your real needs are what you need to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy person. Your real needs are NOT what you need to be a financially successful person. You will probably find that your real needs are in conflict with how we're forced to try and survive in society, because our economy treats us like robots and not as humans with real needs. When you know your real needs, you can communicate your needs to others. Then you can observe the real needs of other people and choose to help them meet their real needs. If you're really lucky, savvy, or financially blessed, then you can develop your financial security in ways that help you meet your real needs too. 

I know I'm being vague. This is mostly just stream of consciousness to see what comes out of me during this moment of creativity. Perhaps I'll write a more well thought-out book about this topic. 

My point is that we're in a collective health crisis because we're denying our "real needs" in order to survive in a society that is unsurvivable for most people. The ONLY way to move forward as a human race and stop living in "survival mode" is to learn how to live in small communities that care for each other again. We can't take on the weight of world, but we can help lift the burdens of our small local communities. We can do our part in our small ways, and that's all we're really capable of doing. We don't need to be global people. That's too huge of an ask for anyone. 

I am a firm believer that living in chronic "survival mode" is fueling our chronic illness pandemic. All the bad foods and poor diet, disconnection from nature, artificial lights, and modern problems are definitely huge contributors to our health crisis. I'm convinced that the stress of modern life is the primary root cause, before all the other factors. If I told you to reduce stress in your life, tell me how you would actually be able to do it? How can you reduce stress when you can't eliminate all the overwhelming problems of modern society from your life?

This just appeared on my Facebook feed, and I think it's a good simple example:

Think about how insane it is that we've normalized this extremely high-stress situation: DRIVING. When we're driving on these busy roads with high traffic, we must be on high alert, otherwise we can literally die or kill someone else. One mistake can be deadly. Yet this is NORMAL now. So we really need to trust each other to be on very high alert, right? And yet, people are past capacity in how much stress they can tolerate in their lives. Your mind wanders a lot while you're driving, right? You think about all your needs and problems while you're driving, right? Yet we expect other people to be fully focused on the roads too? Our day-to-day lives are similar to this. We're treating other people as being fully competent, not with the grace and forgiveness that they need because of their quiet internal suffering. Let's stop forcing people to live in high-alert, always ready to survive anything at any moment. 

I understand that many people are dangerous. I know that there are plenty of people who will try to rob me, harm me, take advantage of me, and abuse me. I know that I must stay "on guard." I know I can't simply trust people. I do know, however, that we really need to act with a lot more grace, understanding, and compassion towards others. If we want people to be better, we have to give them room to breathe and be better. The more we expect of other people, the more they'll act in "survival mode," which leads to lots of toxic survival behaviors. 

I can tell you one thing for certain: My body creates so much of its own stress from surviving all my health issues, that I really can't tolerate outside stress from the world. I shut down from a little too much stress. I actually saw a great video from a doctor about this in connection with endometriosis:

So I am not at all embarrassed by the fact that I'm a 38-year-old who chose to get divorced and move back in with my parents. This was very important for me on my healing journey. My marriage was not an environment I could heal in or reduce stress in (when it should have been my sanctuary where I could be safe and heal.) We had very different priorities in life, and his ambitions dominated the life path we took as a couple, which caused me immense stress that I couldn't handle and left me starving to have my "real needs" met. I'm not being negative about him, but I had to finally acknowledge that we were not compatible and could not meet each other's "real needs." This was a very important decision for me. Living with my parents relieves a huge amount of external stress for me. I prioritize a healthy relationship with them and they do the same with me. It's a great environment for me. If I didn't have a place to go where I could reduce stress and feel "safe," I honestly think I wouldn't be here right now. My level of stress was so high that it was doing irreversible damage to my body, heart, mind, and soul. He may have wondered why I didn't want to attend anything social with him, and I understand the answer now: my personal needs were not being met, and that was causing me so much stress that I really couldn't process other people. I didn't have the capacity left for handling even one word from another person. I was starving to meet my personal "real needs." And now that I've been living with my parents for nearly a year, I'm feeling my stress meter lowering slowly. I'm still not ready to be very social. I tried, and found out quickly that I'm not healed enough yet. But I'm improving a lot! 

I was really messed up from a bad marriage. I'm understanding it better and better as time goes on. I was seriously starving for healthy attention.

I'm still catching myself oversharing too easily, as a probe to see if I can trust people.

I'm starting to feel anger where I used to feel numb, and I'm allowing myself to feel that anger now, when I should have felt it years ago.

I'm uncovering more and more emotions that I couldn't tap into while I was only trying to survive, and now I'm slowly learning to feel myself instead of just taking quick action for fear of death or failure.

I'm learning how to breathe when I used to hold my breath - literally, I noticed that I stopped breathing when I had certain thoughts, and now I'm realizing it, so I'm teaching myself to breathe while I have those thoughts now. 

But I'm also recognizing my emotions and behaviors in other people. I see how many people are living in "survival mode." Society is abusing us by requiring us to meet unrealistically high expectations, and we are abusing each other just to try and survive and get ahead in life. We've learned to be in competition with each other instead of being team (community) that encourages each other. This pattern has to stop or the human race is going to kill itself off. As it is, we're unlearning how to be a strong race of people that can thrive, and we're shifting into being a race of people who only knows how to manage day-to-day with no regard for each other. 

We're losing our ability to care about each other because we're at capacity trying to care for only ourselves. 

What are some of my favorite ways to be more in-tune with my "real needs" and help myself meet them? 

- Gardening! Gardening puts me out in the sun, in nature, in the soil, and touching plants. I'm observing the life forms, studying their needs, taking care of them, and helping them thrive. In turn, I'm getting lots of zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, and sugar snap peas to help sustain me! 

- Creating a routine of cleaning my space. Washing my dishes, picking up after myself, managing laundry... you know. It's how I'm showing myself that I can take care of myself in a healthy way without being overwhelmed. If I don't feel capable of doing chores, I don't stress myself about it. I simply do it when I'm feeling better. 

- Part-time work in a very positive environment where we all agree that it's important to take care of our health! We're a small team that cares about each other. That's worth SO MUCH. It's such a good environment and I really believe in our mission! How many people can say that?

- Going for walks with my parents and having good conversations to deeply connect with them. Family is super important, and doing healthy activities with each other is great motivation. 

- Gaming!!! Why? Because this allows me to have complete and total focus. It's training my brain to stop being hyper alert to outside things. It's training my brain to have longer attention spans. It's training my brain to problem solve without stress. You know what games are actually phenomenal for rebuilding attention spans? Older turn-based games like the original Pokémon games, Final Fantasy 1-12, Sim City, Zoo Planet, and so on. Age of Empires 2 random maps are like calm meditations for me. Octopath Traveler games are wonderful too. Very healthy for retraining my brain that's been trained to be hyper alert. 


The things that ARE NOT working for me:

- Meeting new people. It's too much. I tried. I need to be investing in the relationships I have with close people in my life. I keep accidently ignoring and ghosting people, and it's really not by choice. I think to myself, "I don't have the energy and focus now, I'll reply a little later." That turns into days, weeks, months... It's not intentional. I'm getting overwhelmed way too easily.  If I've done that to you, I'm sorry. Sincerely. I don't have the energy and it's not about you. I'm just not ready yet. 

- Spending time listening to people who just want to complain, talk about all the negative news, and talk about how much they hate people or groups of people. I'm someone who cares deeply about moral justice, but I don't want to waste energy on things I can't control or negative energy that doesn't help solve anything. If you're someone who has so much rage in you that you feel a need to release in through insults, bad attitudes, disrespecting others, constant complaining, whining, bitching, and moaning... then go talk to a therapist, not me. Please. Don't drain me with your negative energy. This is toxic behavior that will cause people to cut you out of their lives. Don't be toxic. Be a positive contribution to society instead. It's possible to be against something in positive ways. 

- Treating myself with food. It's just causing inflammation, weight gain, poor sleep, anxiety, and extra pain. Food can't be the way I reward myself. I need to be super disciplined with food. I must reward myself in other ways. I also have to be careful not to do it by spending money I don't have. My budget is pretty tight. 

- Not following a routine. I'm very much a person who listens to my feelings and does what they say, so thankfully I often feel a strong sense of responsibility, ha! I have to be really aware of the fact that if I do what I feel like, that I won't go to bed, I won't eat well, and I'll end up feeling so much worse. My anxiety will become a problem for me. I'll get overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and haven't done yet. I really need structure to keep my responsible for myself. 

Tom Odell - End Of Suffering

At the end of suffering there's a door There is nothing, and everything and more A sticker on the window saying something like You've got nowhere left to go, take a step inside At the end of suffering there's a room There's a child's crayon drawing of the moon I light my cigarette I lean against the wall I feel that resignation There's nowhere really left to fall Ooh At the end of suffering there's a home And the only way you get there's on your own I lay down on the sofa Turn on the TV Shut my tired eyes Hopelessly, I dream At the end of suffering there's a world At the end of suffering there's a world I stumble to the window Pull the curtains wide Spent so long in darkness, God, it's good to see the sun It shine Ooh Ooh

Chronic Illness Is Not the Problem: You Can Be Complete

In my ME/CFS support group on Facebook, one of the most common questions I see asked is: "How well does your spouse accept your illness?" Illness can validate or break a marriage. Reading the comments is always interesting, because there are two types of answers. The more common answer is that the spouse is really moody, rude, uninterested, and distant. The other answer is that the spouse is extremely supportive, loving, encouraging, and willing to do as much as possible to help. 

When we enter into a marriage, we vow to love each other "in sickness and in health." It's really hard to comprehend what "sickness" means in a marriage when it becomes a chronic (long-term or permanent) condition. It's easy to think you love a person so much that you'll endure their short-term disabilities, because you know they'll return to being fully functional again and they'll always meet your needs. How many people enter into a marriage with any concept of what it means to take care of their spouse if they get sick and they never get better? What if your spouse, one day, stops meeting all your needs because they can't physically do it anymore? Will you still love this person who can't meet your needs?

It's a tough situation, and it's one that is more and more common because the rates of chronic illness keep increasing. I think the problem is that when a couple gets married to have their needs met, there are so many ways in which they can fail each other. We all have needs, and it's reasonable to have expectations of your spouse that you both discuss and agree upon. Humans are designed to be dependent on each other. 

I have observed that the couples that withstand chronic illness are the ones who live with gratitude for each other, despite all circumstances. They didn't marry to meet their needs, they married because they want to take care of each other so they could share life fully together. They don't have separate burdens, they emotionally carry the burdens together. They choose to be united partners in all things, even when it's hard. They trust each other to fully love each other to the best of their ability. They each fully commit to being emotionally and spiritually open with each other, including the healthy spouse expressing to the sick spouse that it's tiring. They don't "protect" each other from their emotions. They're fully honest and they find ways to ease each other's pain through trust, compassion, care, and dedication.

I have observed, and experienced, that the couples who can't withstand chronic illness are the ones who feel the need to compartmentalize to "protect" the marriage. "Being ill is your thing, not my thing, so my thing needs to be doing all the work since you can't." Or, "Being ill is my burden, I don't want you to carry it, so I need stay away from you when I'm not feeling well enough." This way of thinking creates resentment, a lack of trust, and emotional distance. The resentment from both people will fester until it erodes any love there ever was. I believe that the illness doesn't cause the marriage to fall apart, it only reveals how weak it was. A marriage built on meeting each other's emotional needs is very weak, because relying on another person to make you feel emotionally stable is weak. 

Life isn't easy alone, so it's common to think that finding a partner will make life easier. It doesn't, because having a partner means you have to care about needs beyond your own needs, and treat them like your own needs. Both people in a relationship need to be equally committed to giving themselves fully to each other. That's not easy. If you don't love yourself without a partner, you will doubt yourself even more with a partner because a partner will expose all of your shortcomings. 

In my observations, marriages that fail due to chronic illness didn't actually fail due to the chronic illness. It failed due to the emotional immaturity of one or both partners. It failed because one or both of the people couldn't love themselves well enough to properly love the other. No one is prepared for illness, but that doesn't mean we can't learn to adapt our lives around illness. It requires a lot of maturity. 

I have had to work extremely hard on my emotions to endure all of this. I found myself trying to escape into books, series, and video games to avoid my pain. I tried to confront my pain and it led me to feeling suicidal. I practiced focusing on positivity for a while to encourage myself to "win" and beat my illness. I dedicated my time and energy to God in order to avoid working on myself alone, begging God to control my life for me. I bargained a lot, looking for anything that could save me from the reality of living my life with so many limitations. And the truth is, 50% of that was because I didn't feel secure in my marriage, and I felt the need to become obsessive about fixing my health so I could feel secure again. It didn't work. I didn't feel insecure because of my illness, the illness just revealed the problems. 

Accepting my body and my illness without worrying about what anyone else thinks has reduced my stress considerably. If I had a partner that could accept it with me, that would be beautiful. As it is, being alone has freed up so much of my energy. The anxiety and emotional stress is greatly reduced. I'm able to work on building up my own emotional security. I'm in therapy, I'm doing workbooks, and I'm reading a lot. I've come to discover that I was handling my illness well enough, but I wasn't handling how he reacted to my illness. I found the DBT workbook to be really natural and easy for me, and it's a workbook meant to help people through trauma. I think I've developed the skills intuitively, because I respect myself enough and I'm very introspective. My illness isn't feeling like trauma anymore. I just feel like this is who I am. I have physical limitations, but so what? I'm a complete person regardless of my physical abilities. The issue is when my partner doesn't treat me as complete. 

Getting divorced has made me feel 50% less need to obsess over my health. That's good and bad. The good is that my stress about it is gone. Stress makes everything way worse. The bad is that I'm being less dedicated to taking care of myself. My illness requires me to manage it with extreme detail, but I have been relaxing a lot on the details. As a result, my symptoms have been increasing. I actually do have more energy now, but I'm more inflamed, in more pain, having increased metabolism issues, facing more brain fog again, very irregular periods, and so on. I just want a break from extreme management of my health... my illness feels like the abusive partner in my life. 

So, I've been bleeding for 17 days in a row now, and not on my period. Now my period is supposed to start any moment. It's always something. On top of that, I can't fully swallow anything without food particles getting stuck at the top of my throat. It feels like extra effort is required to swallow. Is it time for another thyroid test? Probably.

Absolutely - "Nowhere to Hide"

Think I need to get up and run

What would I become if freedom begun at the tip of my tongue?

I'm just wanting to feel something pure and real

But I'm holding back 'cause I'm not sure what to pray for

Lord, help me

I'm tearing everything in my view, pushing everything off the tables

Tearing everything right off the walls, might look unstable

But at least

After everything has come down, I might have a chance at relief

Maybe then I'll make something new, it's not you, it's just me

Muse - "Dead Inside"

(In my opinion, this is the best song Muse ever wrote, because it captures the human experience so perfectly, even beyond a broken relationship, and the final catharsis in the song is what makes it so powerful.)

Feel me now, hold me please

I need you to see who I am

Open up to me, stop hiding from me

It's hurting, babe

Only you can stop the pain

Don't leave me out in the cold

Don't leave me out to die

I gave you everything, I can't give you anymore

Now I've become just like you

My lips feel warm to the touch

But my words seem so alive

My skin is warm to caress

I'll control and hypnotize

You've taught me to lie without a trace

And to kill with no remorse

On the outside, I'm the greatest guy

Now I'm dead inside

Stop Watering the Fake Plastic Trees

I moved back home to North Dakota. I'm 38, living with my parents in their basement, and went back to my former job that I loved. I came home without my husband. I'm happier than ever. Purging the stress of my life has been incredibly healing for me. It's not curing me of my diseases, but my ability to live with disease is improving immensely. 

The phoenix of the Northern Lights directly over my house! I have never seen it with my own eyes until now, and I'm treating it as a sign that I can finally see my life clearly.

My priority in life is building peace, meaning reducing stress.

What motivates you to carry on in life? In my experience, people tend to answer status, wealth, skills, education, building an empire, or anything that gives people pride and a sense of accomplishment. These things are not my primary motivators in life. I'm not saying they're not important and that they don't motivate me at all, but I have learned that I don't wake up daily with motivation to keep advancing in these areas until I have my other basic need met. My basic need is peace in my personal life. What motivates me above all else is building a life of peace.

What peace means to me is having a consistent, stable, secure relationship with my loved ones. Peace means putting energy into building meaningful connections with people I love and care for and having it reciprocated. It also means not living with daily stress over things I have to accomplish, but instead flip it around so that the daily things I have to accomplish come from love and joy. I want my peace to come from a healthy marriage, because I'm built for marriage. I'm highly motivated to do work, chores, or tasks, or whatever for those I love. When it's for love, it's not stressful, it's purposeful. I'm quick to give my time, energy, and money for those I love. Because this is my nature, I need to be very careful about only choosing to love those who love me back without draining me. My perception of my marriage was that it was based on managing stress and avoiding conflict, not about building peace together. I did my part of the daily work to keep the peace, not out of love and joy. I need to build peace through deep connection without resistance, meeting each other's needs, and creating joy with each other. That's why living with my parents is working out brilliantly for me now. I love my parents, they love me, they are always consistent, and I feel very at peace here with them. Peace gives me security, and peace and security together are the foundation of what I need to be happy. Being happy because I have peace and security means I feel open and available to pursue my other goals in life without stress. I'm not unusual, especially for women, but I'm spelling it out like this because I think it needs to be said so plainly. So many people like me are trapped by looking for satisfaction through their work and status, not by looking for peace and security by loving relationships. My satisfaction in my work means nothing to me if I don't have peace at home with those I love.

My relationships have been in poor health for years due to my high stress level and lack of peace. My stress level was so high because my basic needs were not being met, and all the stress caused me to freeze up while waiting for my needs to be met. Years went by in which I felt frozen, in waiting, starving for love and connection, but feeling trapped and unable to build love and connection. My relationships with my friends and family all suffered because I felt too frozen up and unable to act. I also acted very defensive, dismissive, uncaring, rude, and distant because of it. My stress was so high that I couldn't give any of myself to anyone. I didn't like who I was or how I was acting, and I knew the stress was ruining me. I needed to end the stress and find peace again so that I could start to love again. I had to move home and live with my parents to end the stress. And over the past few months I've felt myself enjoying the company of people again. I've been able to be patient with people again, instead of defensive and dismissive. I really need peace in the foundation of my life, and I really needed to free myself from people and situations that drain my peace and caused me stress. 

It's not just unresolved relationship stress that destroys my peace. I've been learning how everything artificial degrades my peace. I've known for years to avoid artificial fabrics in my clothes and artificial ingredients in my food, because they make me feel sick. I'm finding it's also the same with artificial relationships, artificial information, artificial intelligence, artificial art, and so on. All the fake information, half-truths, synthetic images and videos, and misguided propaganda on social media and news media is enough to make me sick. The trouble is, it's making everyone around me sick too, and it's poisoning my relationships with real people. It's difficult to hold conversations with people when they think they are educated because of everything they absorb from social media, but aren't interested in hearing other information or points of view. I really value the scientific process and critical thinking skills so we can find the truth on any matter. I want to live in truth. I really enjoy speculation, theory, and creative fictions when they're properly labeled as such. What I can't stand, however, are lies that are told as if they are the truth. Living in these times that are dominated by lies makes it difficult to safeguard my peace, but I can do it as long as I live an honest life at home with my loved ones. (I'm not leaving social media, because there's still so much good it does, but I learned to stop engaging with lies. I unfollow, and move on. I love to learn about the local community through facebook. I enjoy following my friends. I like to learn from trusted people. I like the private support groups. There is a lot of good on social media, but it's getting overrun with a lot of artificial and misinformation.)

So instead of wasting time scrolling through all the deception and energy-draining propaganda on TV and social media, I'm choosing to use my personal time on playing single-player video games, reading books, drawing, listening to music, stretching, going for walks, doing chores that keep my space organized and clean, cooking new things, reading scientific articles (I love National Geographic), and so on. I'm trying to choose peace over anything that amplifies my stress. I'm choosing activities that require focus, not contribute to my brain rot. I'm choosing to spend time with people who can hold a conversation without distraction or looking at their phones, talk honestly and from their hearts, and also want connection instead of just to use me. 

I need PEACE. I don't need to live a life constantly on-guard against lies, manipulation, expectations that don't align with me, and indulging in junk entertainment and junk food. 

So all that said... 

Did I make the right choice to leave my stressful life behind so that I could work on my peace? Is it helping me manage my health issues? Is my health improving at all?

I wrote in my last post that yes, I'm seeing improvement in some areas with my health. I'm not profoundly better, but I'm not crashing as hard when I spend energy. I'm working harder at work than I have in years, and I do come home and have a crash, but they're not as serious as they used to be. I'm able to find the strength to get up and prepare a meal for myself and eat. My heart rate is still jumping up really high when I get up too fast, I'm still experiencing vertigo very easily, I'm still sweating like crazy at random times, my finger tips still go numb randomly, I'm still having adrenaline attacks at night that wake me up violently, and so on. I did really well for a couple of months when I first moved back here, but I think that was my body letting down and relaxing. Now that I'm working again and trying to keep up more of a routine, I'm having more symptoms. But I can see that I'm a lot more resilient because I'm not spending energy I don't have on stress or people. 

Another factor is that my anxiety is gone. I'm calm. I'm not worried about anything. I'm rational, focused on each moment, and not drowning in thoughts. I'm feeling a lot more creative, curious, patient, and interested. I'm not on the defense anymore. I'm not trying to always prove myself. I'm just me, in this moment, calm and collected. 

Something that concerns me very much, however, is the intense gut pain I keep having in the same area. Sometimes it's the pain of lasers cutting through me, sometimes it's sharp razor blades, and sometimes it's a giant sword through my entire gut. I don't know if it's endometriosis, actual gut problems, scar tissue, or something else. It's been intense enough and frequent enough to make me consider seeing a specialist. We'll see. My new Medicare plan begins in January. 


On another note, I found a tea mug that I really love! As you might know, I drink tea all day long.
Amazon.com: DOPUDO Glass Tea Cup with Infuser and Lid, 17.6oz/520ml Large Borosilicate Teacup,Tea Glass, Clear Mug for Loose Leaf Tea, Blooming Tea, Microwave & Dishwasher Safe - Tea Maker Gift for Birthday : Home & Kitchen

I've been trying to avoid using metal in my loose leaf tea, because metal can deactivate some herbal properties. My acupuncturist taught me that, thankfully. I got a little frustrated with the Rishi paper bags for tea, so this pure glass solution is solving all of my tea problems. 

(All ingredients listed below are organic and from Frontier Co-op unless otherwise stated. I buy them from my work place, where we have a huge wall of bulk herbs that I can buy by the weight. So I usually buy $2 or less of each at a time. I don't use exact measurements either, usually just a large pinch of each.)

My favorite winter-time tea has been: 

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Ceylon Cinnamon

Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

  

And my favorite evening-time tea has been:

Blue lotus flower (Anima Mundi brand)

Butterfly Pea Flower

Lemon balm

Damiana 
Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

But right now I need some caffeine and I'm cold, so I made:

Indian green tea

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Coconut flakes

Redmond Real Salt 

Rhodes - Be The Bird

'Cause you can fly

Be the bird

 Fly away

 See the world

 You'll be the news everybody heard

You'll never lose anything you've learnt

 Just promise me you'll keep going

 Just keep going and I'll keep telling you you're flying

(Radiohead Cover) Gin Blossoms - Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can

For her fake Chinese rubber plant

In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man

In a town full of rubber plans

To get rid of itself

It wears her out

PC Video Games for those with ME/CFS

I want to talk about PC video games!

Before reading: 

If you have severe ME/CFS then do not game. All games will be unhealthy for you, I'm sorry. This list is best for people with Mild-Moderate ME/CFS. Meaning, might have 4+ hours of usable light energy per day, but need to stay restful most of the time or you'll be back in bed recovering. I'm in the mild-moderate category. I tend to have 3-6 hours of usable energy most days, and that's my perspective on this list. 


ME/CFS means really low energy, meaning it can be hard to do enjoyable things. Video games CAN be a great way to feel like I'm accomplishing things, even when it's hard to get out of bed. They can help me feel like I'm living without leaving my bed. The best part about video games is that they activate my brain when I'm physically tired, and even when I have brain fog the right game can help me pass the time. They do reduce boredom, and they can make me feel like I'm still smart (even when my brain is mush.) They can also be a great way to experience a story in a more active way than watching TV, and with less complications than attempting to comprehend books.

The trouble is, many video games require so much energy that they'll cause me to crash. I absolutely must avoid heavy action games and timed games. (I was good at action games before I got sick...) They drain me and I have to recover from playing them, which is the opposite of why I play them. I play them to keep my brain occupied while I'm recovering from real life exertion. 

So I want to share PC games that have been great for me to play, and many of these will play well on a laptop in bed. I'm choosing to focus on PC because most of the games I'm recommending can be played on a newer laptop, which you're more likely to already own. Also, it's a lot easier to make slow-paced PC games vs console games. There are loads of games that require only a mouse. Console games usually need to focus on action, and I'm avoiding action games in this blog. 

I buy my games on both Steam and GOG (and GOG is fantastic for budget gamers.) I'm not going to deep-dive into the games, just give highlights. You can go to Steam or GOG to explore them further if you're interested. I just want to show you games I've personally played that are worth considering if you need something to do to pass the time.

A little more on GOG.com: They focus on selling older classic PC games at really reasonable prices. You can always find some great classic game for less than $5 there, so if you're interested in trying PC games to help you manage your time feeling sick and tired in bed with this illness, then this is the most affordable site to buy your games from. Also, the great thing about playing older games is that they don't have high demands on computing power. Older and cheaper laptops can play many games on GOG. 

Heroes of Might and Magic 3 (NOT the HD edition)

Stress level: None




Features:
- Probably any laptop or computer can play it
- Only need a mouse
- Turn-based strategy, full of easy exploration and low-key city management. 
- Nothing is timed or urgent, so play at your own pace. You can easily take breaks at any time. 
- Highly rewarding gameplay. Features lots of small and large victories to feel good about.
- Visually easy. No stimulating graphics or sensory issues. 
- Extremely repayable, with an initial low-moderate learning curve. 
- Satisfying to play even when you're playing poorly and you will lose the game.

Cons:
- It has the potential to be difficult

This 1997 game is old school, but the gameplay is timeless, like chess. The most important part of this game for me is the Random Map feature, which is not included in the HD edition. In fact, I exclusively play the random maps these days. All the other games in the series do not have good Random Map gameplay - it's unique to this game. They're all good games if you want to play campaigns, but they can be really hard and frustrating if you're not mentally sharp. 


Dorf Romantik

Stress level: None




Features:
- It's a newer game, but most laptops and PCs should be able play it
- Only need a mouse
- Very easy to learn and play
- Simple jigsaw-like puzzle that is possible while feeling brain-dead
- Visually pleasing, so you can see your choices create something beautiful 
- Creative, with different modes depending on your mood
- Endlessly replayable! 
- Designed to be an anti-anxiety game with very calming music 
- Very little to focus on. Not much to remember as you play. 

Cons:
- Those with OCD might get very very aggravated, even angry, by the mismatched pieces you're forced to use. 

Sometimes I find this game a little too mindless, so I avoid it when I'm feeling a little stronger. It's awesome to play when I'm feeling anxious. It's incredible how calming it is! It's also really satisfying and I can easily play it for hours when I'm exhausted. 


Monument Valley

Stress level: None




Features:
- It's a newer game, but probably most laptops can play it
- Only need a mouse
- Low learning curve, most puzzles are not too difficult
- Visually fascinating, but not too stimulating.
- Anti-anxiety, but also interesting and engaging 
- A low-key emotional expression of sad feelings visualized in a puzzle game

Cons:
- It can be so relaxing that it makes me sleepy, then suddenly I find myself in a challenging puzzle and can't move forward without waking up a little. 
- Rare puzzles that require some timing, but they're not difficult and don't induce adrenaline.
- Not meant to be replayed, once you beat the puzzles you probably won't want to again

I think it's a beautiful and captivating game, but certainly feels dreamy. It will not help me wake up. And if you need to stay restful with the ability to fall asleep, that's a helpful thing. 



Point-and-click adventure games (genre)
Games include: The Longet Journey, Monkey Island series, Chains of Satinav and Memoria, Syberia series, Broken Sword series, The Grim Fandago, Atlantis, Mysterious Island, Myst, Riven

Stress level: None (Usually - occasional exceptions of low stress)

The Longest Journey - from 1999, but the incredible story makes up for the old graphics

Chains of Satinav

Pros:
- Most of these games are older and most laptops could play them (a couple newer games will require specific graphic requirements that might be too much for a laptop)
- No combat
- Play only with a mouse (usually)
- Play at your own pace and pause whenever you want
- Voice acting, not a lot of reading for a story-rich game
- Easy to find solutions to hard puzzles online, so you don't need to get stuck
- Very easy learning curve
- Basically just a visual novel where you need to solve puzzles to advance the story

Cons:
- Pretty much none, except for the occasional game including one or two abnormal things like controlling a car with your keyboard or making you do a simple/ easy timed task. 
- Not repayable, unless you want to relive the story all over again, so once you're done you're done

This genre of games is honestly the best for people with ME who need something creative and interesting to engage with. They usually have no stress of taking action or doing something timed (Monkey Island has one or two quick things, but they're not stressful to do.) There is no combat. They're just visual novels in which you control a character as the story progresses by solving puzzles. They also are played with only a mouse, so you can keep your arms in a restful position while playing. 

Fans of stories, who maybe can't comprehend a book well, would enjoy these games. They're very visual and allow you take all the time you need to understand what you're looking at. They move slower than a movie because they move at your own pace.

I will note that some newer point-and-click adventure games, such as the two newest entries in the Syberia series, require a keyboard and mouse to control. Many people were unhappy with the change, because they wanted a point-and-click style like the previous games. That said, it takes a little more energy and coordination to play them, but they still have all the benefits of a slow story-driven puzzle game. 


House Flipper

Stress level: None to Low, but with potential frustrations

If you want to clean this up and make this room look pretty, then this game is for you

Pros:
- Doesn't require high computer power, but older laptops might not handle it
- It's very easy
- Highly creative
- Rewarding and strong sense of accomplishment 
- Low graphics, so not that stimulating 

Cons:
- Although the game has a great concept, the gameplay is clucky 
- Meant to be a creative experience, but the choices are too limited 
- Simple game, but requires keyboard and mouse to play

It's a good concept of a game, and I did put many hours into it. It's a simulation in which you buy houses, then flip them. So you do things like clean, paint, tear down walls, build new walls, furnish homes, design spaces... it's really relaxing and fun, but I did get frustrated because I couldn't easily get measurements right and things wouldn't always align. I would have a vision for a space I created, but couldn't find furniture that fit the space properly. But if you're feeling a little like I often feel (blah, just need something to do where my actions don't matter much) then this game is a good way to pass the time. If you try to be a perfectionist it will drive you crazy in some points. 



Turn-based tactics games: Expeditions: Conquistadors & Vikings and Divinity: Original Sin 1 & 2

Stress level: Low for experienced gamers, learning curve could initially cause medium to high stress for newer gamers

Expeditions: Vikings, during a battle

Divinity: Original Sin 2, during battle

Pros:
- A lot of fun and reward for relaxed and slow game play
- Turn-based, so you can play slowly at your own pace and think
- Rich stories and characters, with voice acting to help you (as opposed to only reading)
- The difficulty isn't stressful, but instead mentally engaging
- Full of adventure to get your mind off reality and feel like you're living 
- Best for experienced gamers needing a challenge without adrenaline 
- Although these aren't meant to be replayed, they are fun to play a 2nd time

Cons:
- Will need a more powerful laptop or a good desktop PC to play
- Higher learning curve, and not as brain-fog friendly, but fun when you're just tired
- Come with some challenging puzzles

- Visually rich with lots to look at, could be too stimulating for some
- Need a mouse and keyboard to play
- Moments of intensity, but not necessarily adrenaline-inducing

Warning:
- These games do feature some mature themes, especially in the Divinity Games. The Divinity games try to be comical and light hearted, so some mature jokes are thrown in.

These games are a lot of fun, especially because they don't create much stress to play them while having a lot to do and engage with. They feature a lot of combat, but it's all turn-based on a grid system. You can be slow and thoughtful, treating combat like a puzzle instead of an action sequence.

They're more engaging than most other types of games on this blog, though, so be aware that they might come across as overwhelming. Experienced gamers won't feel so overwhelmed by them. Actually, they're good for experienced gamers craving that "hardcore" experience without getting drained by playing something actually "hardcore." 

There are more games in this genre, but I haven't played them to be able to comment on them. Banner Saga and Xcom come to mind, but I really don't know if they're safe to suggest. 



Maybe: CRPGs (genre)
Games include: Arcanum, Nox, Baldur's Gate, Icewind Dale, Pillars of Eternity, Pathfinder, Tyranny, Temple of Elemental Evil, Torment... (Many of these, but not all, are Dungeons and Dragons games.)

Stress level: Low to Medium due to combat (can control the difficulty settlings.)

Tyranny - A game in which you have to play an evil villain, and it's fun

Pillars of Eternity 2

Pros:
- The older games should run well on a decent laptop
- Pause-system for combat
- Play mostly with the mouse, keyboard requirements are easy
- Good for experienced gamers who need something more engaging
- Rich worlds that help you escape reality and feel accomplished 
- Can adjust game settings for an easy to difficult gaming experience (they allow for players who just want to enjoy the world and don't want the stress of hard gameplay)

Cons:
- The newer games will have more demanding computer requirements 
- Pause-system for combat is a little more taxing than turn-based
- There's a medium learning curve for this genre, but once you learn how they work the learning curve is fairly low for most games in the genre.
- Not a good entry point for new gamers
- Tend to be rich in combat, which is fun for some, and stressful for others
- Tends to be a lot of reading, even when there is voice acting

Warning: 
- These games tend to have a mature rating and can feature the violence and brutality of war, but Torment and Tyranny feature the most that I have seen.

These are story-based role playing games that play out in real time, but allow you to pause at all times. Nothing is timed, but you do have to be sharp enough to pay attention to when to pause to give your characters instructions. Some games will let you program when the game auto-pauses for you, which makes it a lot easier to manage. When I'm feeling mentally sharp enough I really enjoy this type of game because I find them engaging and interesting, and the action management is simple enough (but I understand how the games work.) The stories, the choices you have to make, and the exploration of worlds is a great escape for me. These games never feel tedious or too much for me - but I also understand them. These games would be hard to learn if you're mentally tired or full of brain fog, but that's why I suggested games like Dorf Romantik first, because you can play that in any mental state.

They are typically isometric, meaning a top-down view on the world and characters. I like this because it helps me feel in control instead of in sensory overload. That said, these games are designed for more advanced types of gamers, but you can play them on easy modes.

These games do, however, require a lot of reading. A LOT. And comprehending what you read is important because you do have to make choices based on what you read, and choices do have consequences in these games. So these games are good when you have enough mental energy for a story and challenging quests, but need to let your body rest.

I struggle with the reading element... I enjoy reading, and the stories in these games are really rich and you're never going to feel it wasn't worth reading anything. But, sometimes, I read and read and read and still don't fully understand what I just read. This is why I struggle with books too. Focusing on the visual things to do is way easier for me. Thankfully, you can get through these games without reading everything. The most important dialogue has voice acting to listen to instead. 

Note: I really didn't like Pathfinder. It had a lot of potential, but it has a horrible kingdom management system that actually caused me to lose the game without doing anything wrong. Other people loved it though, so I won't say much more. 

Note: Baldur's Gate 2 is one of my favorite games of all time. 

Note: Arcanum is old and a little clunky, but I've played it 3 times over the years. It's a gem. Really rewarding experience. 

Note: I'm currently playing Tyranny after it went on sale on GOG for $10. I'm surprised by how much fun it is to play an evil character in this game. I almost always play a good character in these games, but honestly... I'm laughing at how much fun it is to be evil in this game. It doesn't take itself too seriously. So far the game mechanics are easy - there's less to micromanage than similar games of this genre. 

Note: I strongly recommend against the game "Age of Decadence." You will probably see it suggested if you search this genre of games. It's strictly meant for hardcore gamers - NOT for people like us who have to battle feeling fatigued while we play. I played 1 hour of it and hated it. I had no tolerance for that level of difficulty. 

Games I Don't Recommend for ME/CFS, even though they seem like they might be good:

(But if you know yourself well enough to know you can tolerate some adrenaline and action sometimes, then you might enjoy these games, because they're still much lower action than most games on consoles.) 

- JRPGS like Final Fantasy, Octopath Traveler, YS, Tales Of..., etc. 
While these games actually could be fine for people with only mild to moderate ME/CFS, I don't want to recommend something with action sequences, timed events, or adrenaline-inducing sequences. Even though they tend to feature turn-based combat and mostly calm experiences, there's still a lot of fast-paced action involved. 

Octopath Traveler - I really adore this game!

- First Person Perspective RPGS like Elderscrolls Games (Skyrim) 
While there are plenty of low-stress and relaxing things to do in these games, and they're a lot of fun, they have too much action. Sometimes the action isn't hard, but there are always moments of intensity that will cause adrenaline rushes. The problem is that games like Skyrim start out difficult, but it doesn't take long before they're easy to play... and once you reach that point it can be incredibly relaxing to wander around the world just enjoying interacting with it. The problem will always be that combat is in first-person and in real-time, which automatically triggers some level of an adrenaline response. 

- Real-time isometric strategy games like Age of Empires, Sim City, Anno, Warcraft, and the like. 
While they seem relaxed because they focus on building cities.... they're not relaxed at all. There's always threats that requires you to be on high alert. This is bad for the nervous system of those with ME/CFS. 

- King's Bounty. I hesitated on putting this on a "maybe" list, but you know what... no. Because the combat is turn-based and low stress, but exploring the world requires a fast response time and quick action. I found myself getting amped up to run away from fights that I knew I couldn't handle. But again, if you can handle some low-level of adrenaline in games, then this would probably work for you.

Games that are probably great that I haven't played:

- Farming simulators, like Stardew Valley and Harvest Moon. 
- Terranil, which is a low-stress anti-anxiety like Dorfromantik
- Islanders, a low-stress creative puzzle game

- Civilization, Endless Legend, and other Hex-Grid games. I have briefly tried them, and couldn't get into them, but they are a low-stress style of gameplay.
- Fez, which is a no-combat action game without consequences. I own it, but haven't tried it yet. 

Do you have suggestions? Please leave a comment below!

Coming up next... mobile and console games... 

Thoughts on the Economy and My Place in it

Controversial opinion post. I am not bothering to cite my sources because I really don't have the energy. I just need to get my thoughts out. Maybe I'm wrong about some of this stuff, but this is where my mind is at. 

We have a major economic problem in the USA. Middle class earns around $100k-$150k, depending on if families have children or not. Housing is nearly impossible to afford. Groceries are ridiculously expensive all the sudden. It's very hard to find a job that pays enough to pay off student loans. Medical expenses are enough to put anyone into bankruptcy, even after our overpriced expensive insurance "helps." 

...and I think a solution could be for the government to pay couples to have children. 

The government already pays for parents to foster children. Why not some stimulus for supporting couples in having their own children too? Maybe only 1 child per couple, just enough to encourage couples to have children. There should be a strict application process to weed out people who would simply try to take advantage and be terrible parents. 

Here's why I'm thinking this way:

There is a problem beginning to affect our economy called the "demographic cliff." There are fewer teenagers these days, and the teenagers we do have are not necessarily working or considering college. High School extracurricular activities are so time-consuming now, partially because programs like sports are trying to be as competitive as professional teams, and partially because parents need to keep their children occupied and so they put them in every activity they can. Teenagers are struggling to find time to get their homework done, let alone have a chance to hang out and play. 

Have you seen all the "now hiring" signs on fast-food restaurants, grocery stores, and other entry-level low-wage positions? That's because there are fewer teenagers overall, and also because teenagers have less time for work now. Who will fill these positions? Not adults, because these jobs don't pay enough for adults to meet their financial needs: student loan debt, car debt, rent, groceries, insurance, etc. And no, we really don't want these businesses to simply close their doors, but that's what happening because they can't find enough employees to stay open. That's why using robots and AI in place of a human worker is not necessarily a bad thing for business and the economy. 

We know that this trend is only going to continue because stores are now selling more adult diapers than baby diapers. The birth rate has been declining since the 70's. 

Many people are arguing that we have a global overpopulation crisis, but every economist I read says the exact opposite: we don't have enough people to support the economy, and it's getting worse. 

Part of the problem is the rate of infertility is increasing. Men have less testosterone, thyroid diseases are on the rise, and women are finally getting recognition for reproductive diseases like endometriosis (and are being told more frequently not to attempt pregnancy due to complications and risks.) In many cases, couples who want children can't have them. It's not fair, is it?  

What will happen if the population thins out too much? I'm no expert, but I have guesses:

We're already seeing tons of smaller colleges closing their doors for good. We're already seeing more and more franchises going bankrupt and closing their stores and restaurants. 

This means that the businesses that survive will probably make more money because the population will rely more on them. Unless these businesses decide to pay livable wages and treat people well, then the pay gap will probably increase more. The rich will get richer, and the middle class will disappear until there is only a lower and upper class. People will have less money to support Capitalism, because Capitalism requires people constantly exchanging money. It's soul-crushing and meaningless to rely on people constantly consuming and buying things, but that is precisely what MUST happen to support the economy. Where you shop and how much money you spend is the foundation of your local economy. 

Take a step back from reality for a moment. Let your consciousness float in the air over your city and look at what your city is made of. What do you see? It's a lot of retailers and restaurants, right? There are services too, like medical, chiropractic, cleaning, repair, etc. But the majority? Retail. Think about how many people it takes to shop at each and every one of those stores daily to keep those stores open and earning a profit. Now imagine half the amount people suddenly disappear. Who will shop at each and every one of those stores enough to keep them open? So let's say half the retailers close their stores because there isn't enough demand for their businesses? Cities will be full of empty properties. Abandoned buildings. Aren't we already seeing this trend? Fewer businesses, less money exchanging hands, leading to fewer taxes for the local government. When the government has less tax revenue, they're less likely to afford to repair the infrastructure of the city. People start to move out of the city into bigger cities where there are more available jobs and resources. Cities die. Haven't we already been seeing small towns across America shrink and die?

But when we lose our small towns and cities, we have to rely more and more on shipping food into the city. Local food is harder to find, but the food shipped into cities is a little older and less fresh. We have to pay more for our food due to the cost of shipping. But we also need enough people growing the food that gets shipped to bigger cities, right? Who will work those jobs if they're not paid enough to afford life? So that means farmers and ranchers find help from people in other countries willing to work for a low wage, because the dollar will go far when they return to their counties. Less money circulates in our country's economy. And more people have less money. 

I haven't even gotten started on the problems with dead soil, mass extinctions of many breeds of insects and animals, microplastics being found in every part of the earth and water we test, etc. We're in an environmental nightmare. And yes, that has a major impact on the economy too. What happens when farming stops working?

I really believe we need a paradigm shift... immediately. Our economy is unsustainable and unstable. 

What I've been seeing happening to cope with all the current problems is predatory marketing. Businesses are offering "buy now pay later" options to get you to make purchases you can't afford. Colleges are asking teenagers to sign agreements to $40k+ loans that they may never be able to pay off. People are getting desperate enough to fall into investment traps: "spend $500 to start a dropshipping website that might, if you're super lucky, help you earn $10k a month with very little work!!!" It's BS, most people won't make enough money online like this, but people are falling for it and giving it a try, wasting their money in the attempt. People can't find places to rent that are less than 30% of their income now, and if they do the places are often full of problems like mold and neglect. It's really hard to buy a house because they're almost less affordable than rent. It's all very predatory. 

So my thought is that we need to shift many many things in our economy... but a great way to start is to encourage people to have children. So many couples are avoiding children because they're a financial nightmare. There's no joy in having children when it's impossible to pay for them. The only way for many couples to afford children is if both parents are working full-time and they're both earning more than the cost of daycare. Well, when the average cost of daycare per year is around $35k... do your jobs pay enough after taxes to cover the cost of daycare? Will you even make a profit? And so, isn't it better to actually have one parent stay home and raise the child?

And what a concept... parents actually being able to parent! Children deserve parents who are able to be parents because they're available: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How can parents be available when they're working full time and exhausted? Their life isn't focused on their children. It's focused on their job. So.... let's ease the burden. Parenting could actually be financially do-able if parents were given money each month for the cost of raising the child. 

Am I crazy? Let me know...

These are the types of thoughts giving me an incredible amount of anxiety and causing me to loose sleep at night. Yes, I could choose to focus on the positive in life, or I could be realistic and dream up solutions to these major problems... 

And where do I, a low-skilled 36 year old partially disabled woman fit into this economic picture? It's haunting. And scary. 

Anyway... lunch time. I gotta eat to keep surviving... for what, exactly? Well, for hope. I have to have hope. 

Music as Medicine

I'm going through probably the worse spell of depression I've ever experienced in my life, although to be fair, it might actually be despair more than depression. Despair is a terrible place to be too. I'm not really capable of talking though the reasons right now. My fingers are icy cold. I'm too emotionally and mentally exhausted too. 

What I want to do is share some music I've been listening to that fits my feelings. These artists inspire me a lot to embrace my feelings and use them for growth and motivation.

Aurora said when she was recruited to make music professionally she didn't think she wanted to do it, but her mother told her songs were like medicine to her, and they could be medicine for other people too. So Aurora decided to try making music professionally because she loved the idea of her music being medicine for people. Her mother was right. Music can be the best medicine of all. And her music has been medicine for me. Her youthful perspective helps me to see the world again from before I felt broken, and she and I are very much alike. She might be who helps me return to my youthful passion for building a life worth living.

Something about these Norwegian (and an Icelandic) ladies really resonates with me... And the British make really good music too.

(Please forgive some of the formatting issues - I give up on trying to control Blogger.)

Aurora - Your Blood

"When all inside you burns like a star

It's after you burn out that you are reborn again, reborn again

And maybe if you called out for help

Then I could help you outrun yourself

Come run again, come run again.

And I! I refuse to die. I refuse to die!"

Aurora - All Is Soft Inside

"All that I know

Lies within emotion

Words remain unspoken

Lead me through the dark

All that I see

Came to me in colours

Lasted for the moment

Lead me through the dark

All that I know

All I know"

Auora - Exhale Inhale

"Crawl beneath the earth

To feel the hunger and the thirst

If you could fly and be the bird

Then you would see the forest burn

My dear, come near

Do you understand what is happening?"

Kalandra - Brave New World

"Catch the wind and fight the storm

Through the fury we're holding on

Take your time but not too long

Make it worth the time you own

You woke a fire inside of me

Fanned the flame and made it breathe

You woke a fire inside of me inside of me inside of me...and sleep

Ignore all the burdens that you keep

Come whatever may

They could never harm you anyway"

Kalandra - The Waiting Game

"There's a fire inside me

Waiting for something

Waiting for something

Burning uncontrollably

If I do nothing

If I do nothing

I'm waiting for you

You're waiting for me

Afraid of what we'll find

If we let words run free"

Highasakite - Mother

"I need to call my mother

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Tell her I'm scared of the thunder

Hey, hey, hey, hey

I need to talk to my mother

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Mama, I'm scared to go under

Hey, hey, hey, hey"

Highasakite - Keep That Letter Safe

"It doesn't make all cloudy days worthwhile

It doesn't make much sense to walk that extra mile

To assign you properties that are not real

And throw all my former knowledge into the field"



Highasakite - Samurai Swords

"Someone else

Will love like a rainstorm

Someone else

Will drown in your long strong arms

I'm not present at all

I don't know how that feels"

Bjork - Joga

"All that no-one sees

You see

What's inside of me

Every nerve that hurts

You heal

Deep inside of me, oo-oohh

You don't have to speak

I feel

Emotional landscapes

They puzzle me - confuse

Then the riddle gets solved

And you push me up to this

State of emergency

How beautiful to be"

Bjork - Bachelorette

"I'm a fountain of blood

In the shape of a girl

You're the bird on the brim

Hypnotized by the whirl

Drink me, make me feel real

Wet your beak in the stream

Game we're playing is life

Love's a two-way dream"

Bjork - Hyperballad

"We live on a mountain, right at the top

This beautiful view from the top of the mountain

Every morning, I walk towards the edge

And throw little things off

Like car parts, bottles, and cutlery

Or whatever I find lying around

It's become a habit, a way to start the day

I go through all this

Before you wake up

So I can feel happier

To be safe up here with you"

Muse - Map of the Problematique

"Life will flash before my eyes

So scattered and lost

I want to touch the other side

And no one thinks they are to blame

Why can't we see?

That when we bleed, we bleed the same"


Muse - Explorers

 
This is a lullaby plea written for his son...

"Free me, I'll free you

Free us from this world

We don't belong here

It was a mistake imprisoning our souls

Can you free me, and free me from this world?

(Free me, free me

Free me from this world)

(We don't belong here)

(It was a mistake imprisoning our souls)

Running around in circles, feeling caged by endless rules

Can you free me, and free me from this world?"

Florence and the Machine - Free

"I'm always running from something

I push it back, but it keeps on coming

And being clever never got me very far

Because it's all in my head

"You're too sensitive", they said

I said, "Okay, but let's discuss this at the hospital"

(As it) picks me up, puts me down

Picks me up, puts me down

Picks me up, puts me down

A hundred times a day

Picks me up, puts me down

Chews me up, spits me out

Picks me up, puts me down"

Florence and the Machine - All This and Heaven Too

"And the heart is hard to translate

It has a language of its own

It talks in tongues and quiet sighs

And prayers and proclamations

In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures

In short, shallow gasps

But with all my education I can't seem to command it

And the words are all escaping, and coming back all damaged

And I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how

I can't seem to understand it"


Tom Odell - Best Day of My Life

"Laying on the car

You've got stars

I've got scars

They don't see

Think today is the best day of my life

Last night all I wanted to do was die

Right now I'm just happy to be alive"

Tom Odell - Sad Anymore

"I don't want to be sad anymore.
Look at all the happy people, baby, what are they doing that I ain't doing?"