It's so easy to feel defeated. I've had a rough couple of weeks, and these experiences have led me to feel really depressed.
I have had several friends with severe medical emergencies and I had reason to worry for their lives. All at the same time. If one of these friends of mine does not survive it will be the second friend I will have lost to cancer. Another friend has been so sick that she became suicidal, and at times resistant to help. Of course I fought hard to help her fight for her life, but deep inside I couldn't help but wonder if I could fight if I was in her situation. Another friend ended up on life support after a car accident - that has been devastating. I also know 2 people who have had heart attacks recently. It's... overwhelming, to say the least.
And so, I decided to watch "Call Me Francis" / "Llamame Francisco" this week. I needed a true story about hardship to help me gain perspective. I also genuinely wanted to learn more about Pope Francis and Argentina. The mini-series does not educate or explain anything. It assumes you understand Argentine history fully. I had to talk to an Argentine friend of mine and do a lot of reading on my own to understand the circumstances in the story. Hours of research for 4 hours of show, but it was very enlightening. Learning about the Argentine 70's crisis with the military coup and the dictatorship was very interesting, but I don't know if I was in the right state of mind to learn about it objectively. Between the show and my research, I couldn't help but cry a lot over the kidnapping of pregnant mothers and the illegal adoption of their children. I cried when they showed the military throwing family members out of planes. Watching a story about how Padre Jorge (Pope Francis now) was actively involved in negotiating how the church helped these people was very enlightening. In the end, I learned that Argentina, while not recovered from these horrible events in the 70's, loves its people. They struggle with a terrible economy and a very high poverty rate right now, but they take care of themselves as best they can, because they actually care about offering the best quality of life that they can to their people. But I cannot help but feel shaken from learning about their recent atrocities. (No, don't tell me about other atrocities in world history to go learn about, I don't have the heart for it right now.)
I'm finding it is actually really difficult for me to read or learn about great people that live their lives well and accomplish a lot with their lives. Of course I'm extremely grateful to Pope Francis and admire him very much. (Don't let that statement get religious political - I don't care about your arguments about his church leadership right now. I'm referring to how he navigated the dire circumstances he lived through.)
But as I learn about these people I keep asking myself why I haven't figured out how to do great things with my life. Why are my years being wasted on nursing my health and entertaining myself in the process? Why are my talents and skills not getting developed so I can use them to help people in the world? A major reason is my chronic fatigue, but another major reason is my personality. I've never wanted to dedicate much time to developing skills beyond what was helpful enough to me to get tasks done, when it always felt more important to me to dedicate time to understanding people and morality. I'm one of those people who sits back and observes and reflects for years too long, and by the time I am ready to act, I find the next passion to ponder on for years too long. What do I do with all these thoughts? But how long have I really had this chronic fatigue? I might not have recognized it when I was younger because I was used to being that way, plus I'm introverted. When it caused me to be totally bedridden then I took notice. If not for the chronic fatigue, would I have done more action in my life to be more accomplished?
I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I should be doing great things despite my disability. I want to leave my mark on the world. But sometimes I can't see beyond my friends who are suffering so much. Sometimes I can't see beyond how terrible people have been throughout human history, and those who did great things for humanity make me feel like I'm not contributing to making the world better the way I should be. What is my purpose? I can't wait until I heal - what if I never do? What can I do in my current condition that won't overtax me and make me worse? I'm finding that what I am doing is overtaxing me and making me worse: I'm caring too much for people. I invest my energies into being their friends. It's not their fault, there is nothing to blame. It's just who I am. I just care. Too much. But if I make myself go numb to help me emotionally then I'll lose all sight of my purpose in life.
The USA's healthcare is a nearly complete failure for most of those with chronic illnesses. It leads people to suicide. It's way too expensive, doctors are too overworked and can't dedicate time to patients, doctors that are not trained in the illnesses try to poorly treat or dismiss us... it's a nightmare. And I'm one of those depressed chronically ill people who is feeling lost in the system. I am way better off than many people - so many people are substantially way worse than me. My disability is in the middle of the severity spectrum - I'm moderate. It significantly impacts my life, but hasn't completely stopped it. Too many people live in the severe category, in which their disability has completely prevented them from doing anything more than just staying alive minute by minute. I have the same struggles with the system, but it's not as dire for me. So trying to convince suicidal friends to use this system, because it's the only system there is, feels like I'm encouraging them to not get properly cared for so they can feel even more hopeless. It's a nightmare.
And so I have to keep reminding myself that saving the world is not my responsibility. I can't let world problems crush my spirit. At best, I need to keep my focus on my friends that I can do something for, even if it's just moral support. Being their friends, even though these major health issues, has helped me as much I hope I help them. Is it a waste of my energy? I don't think so. I might be full of grief and feeling depressed, but my heart is full of love because of them. I would feel depressed if I didn't have friends, or had friends who were healthy and so we can't relate to each other.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Dear Christians,
Dear Christians,
Thank you for trying to care and spread love to all of God's creation, even those with chronic illnesses like myself.
But... I have something to say to you.
1. A lack of faith isn't why I suffer.
Why be condescending towards me? Is your faith strong than mine just because you don't have a chronic illness?
2. God doesn't necessarily want me to be "healed."
Do you know God's will for me? Am I pre-destined to be healthy?
3. Suffering doesn't make me a bad Christian.
Living with depression and suffering from disabilities is not the same as living in sin. I don't need to be saved from the burden of physical limitations to reach salvation and find joy in God.
Thank you for trying to care and spread love to all of God's creation, even those with chronic illnesses like myself.
But... I have something to say to you.
1. A lack of faith isn't why I suffer.
Why be condescending towards me? Is your faith strong than mine just because you don't have a chronic illness?
2. God doesn't necessarily want me to be "healed."
Do you know God's will for me? Am I pre-destined to be healthy?
3. Suffering doesn't make me a bad Christian.
Living with depression and suffering from disabilities is not the same as living in sin. I don't need to be saved from the burden of physical limitations to reach salvation and find joy in God.
4. Do I need to be healthy to fulfil my life's purpose?
Are only the most physically and mentally qualified people allowed to do God's will, as if we're hired to do a job with prerequisites?
5. I'm still waiting for you to stop telling me what to do, how to feel, how to act, and what to be. I'm praying for you to seek to understand, not to be understood. All you have to do is let Jesus live through you, you don't need to be a dictator on how to have faith. To quote Bono, "Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady."
6. Laying your hand on me and praying for me in public is not always the best way to spread the Gospel. God blesses those who pray in silence when no one is watching. My faith is deeply personal, and I don't need you to put me on display. I respect and understand the need for a faith community, but while I'm on the clock at my job is not the time to prove your faith for me by forcing me into a few minutes of spoken prayer.
7. Faith is not an emotion. Let me say that again. Faith is not an emotion. If the Christian pop song on K-love doesn't melt my heart, make me stop what I'm doing to put my hands up in the air, and feel God's love it doesn't mean I'm lacking faith. I'm not charismatic in my faith. I don't need God to give me emotional highs to know He's present. I'm not falling away from God and into sin when I feel sad, depressed, lonely, or angry. I'm sorry if I don't look like I'm Christian just because this very new evangelical culture (as in it's not as old as the Church or the Bible) doesn't work for me, but I'm not trying to prove anything to you. I only have to prove my faith to God, and I can do that in silence where no one can see while I'm feeling depressed and angry. I don't want to be on display, fake or force emotions, or even feel guilty for not expressing my faith through emotion. I do not feel guilty for not being charismatic. But you might notice my faith through how I treat and care for people.
8. Consider that my suffering is actually a blessing to my soul, and that perhaps it's helping me serve God better. Is there not something to be learned from any experience? Should we not always grow as people? Can I not be formed into a strong faithful person through difficult times?
9. Stop telling me I'm not doing enough. You think I have to make an appointment with some stranger in some office building to have them pray over me for me to be healed? You think I have to fly to another state to meet with some special spiritual healer over 12 days in order to heal? You think my church community isn't good enough if they're letting me suffer? You think receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick is not effective and your special spiritual leader is the only one who can help? Have a little faith in me and my faith community.
10. I see that you're trying to make the world fit your worldview that you think encompasses God's will for all of his creation.Please never stop learning, updating your worldview, and seeking new understanding. Stick to your values and morals - you need them! But allow yourself to empathize with people. Sometimes life isn't as simple as following rules that fit your worldview.
11. Consider that I don't have the energy to have deep conversation about which denomination I am every time you see me.Consider that you might be driving me away from the Christian culture due to how exhausting it is to listen to you tell me how my denomination is wrong, my faith is incomplete, and I need to change my personality to fit how people with faith should be.
Thank you for listening. Have a conversation, in which we take turns listening to each other without giving each other orders, with me when I can handle it. Ask for a time when it won't drain me and make me suffer more. Just stop telling me I'm wrong because I'm sick. I'm too tired to keep being beaten down by your lofty standards for Christians. Stop bragging about your faith being why your life is so good and mine has problems.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Christian
Note:
Each of these points are referring to specific encounters with multiple, various people. Most of them were complete strangers. These are not arbitrary references. I've debated on writing this publicly for over a year now, and it's time that I released the pressure and finally just express myself. I am legitimately concerned about how a couple (out of several) Christian cultures is treating people with Chronic Illness, but I believe all Christians need to hear my letter.
5. I'm still waiting for you to stop telling me what to do, how to feel, how to act, and what to be. I'm praying for you to seek to understand, not to be understood. All you have to do is let Jesus live through you, you don't need to be a dictator on how to have faith. To quote Bono, "Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady."
6. Laying your hand on me and praying for me in public is not always the best way to spread the Gospel. God blesses those who pray in silence when no one is watching. My faith is deeply personal, and I don't need you to put me on display. I respect and understand the need for a faith community, but while I'm on the clock at my job is not the time to prove your faith for me by forcing me into a few minutes of spoken prayer.
7. Faith is not an emotion. Let me say that again. Faith is not an emotion. If the Christian pop song on K-love doesn't melt my heart, make me stop what I'm doing to put my hands up in the air, and feel God's love it doesn't mean I'm lacking faith. I'm not charismatic in my faith. I don't need God to give me emotional highs to know He's present. I'm not falling away from God and into sin when I feel sad, depressed, lonely, or angry. I'm sorry if I don't look like I'm Christian just because this very new evangelical culture (as in it's not as old as the Church or the Bible) doesn't work for me, but I'm not trying to prove anything to you. I only have to prove my faith to God, and I can do that in silence where no one can see while I'm feeling depressed and angry. I don't want to be on display, fake or force emotions, or even feel guilty for not expressing my faith through emotion. I do not feel guilty for not being charismatic. But you might notice my faith through how I treat and care for people.
8. Consider that my suffering is actually a blessing to my soul, and that perhaps it's helping me serve God better. Is there not something to be learned from any experience? Should we not always grow as people? Can I not be formed into a strong faithful person through difficult times?
9. Stop telling me I'm not doing enough. You think I have to make an appointment with some stranger in some office building to have them pray over me for me to be healed? You think I have to fly to another state to meet with some special spiritual healer over 12 days in order to heal? You think my church community isn't good enough if they're letting me suffer? You think receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick is not effective and your special spiritual leader is the only one who can help? Have a little faith in me and my faith community.
10. I see that you're trying to make the world fit your worldview that you think encompasses God's will for all of his creation.Please never stop learning, updating your worldview, and seeking new understanding. Stick to your values and morals - you need them! But allow yourself to empathize with people. Sometimes life isn't as simple as following rules that fit your worldview.
11. Consider that I don't have the energy to have deep conversation about which denomination I am every time you see me.Consider that you might be driving me away from the Christian culture due to how exhausting it is to listen to you tell me how my denomination is wrong, my faith is incomplete, and I need to change my personality to fit how people with faith should be.
Thank you for listening. Have a conversation, in which we take turns listening to each other without giving each other orders, with me when I can handle it. Ask for a time when it won't drain me and make me suffer more. Just stop telling me I'm wrong because I'm sick. I'm too tired to keep being beaten down by your lofty standards for Christians. Stop bragging about your faith being why your life is so good and mine has problems.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Christian
Note:
Each of these points are referring to specific encounters with multiple, various people. Most of them were complete strangers. These are not arbitrary references. I've debated on writing this publicly for over a year now, and it's time that I released the pressure and finally just express myself. I am legitimately concerned about how a couple (out of several) Christian cultures is treating people with Chronic Illness, but I believe all Christians need to hear my letter.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Music for Dark Moods
I want to do another post on the music I've been listening to that has been helping me deal with depression and exhaustion. Since the surgery my mood and depression has been really unstable. I've also had to spend too much energy on projects that have worn me down, making me need to pull away from people and just be inside myself. I often don't want to listen to music when I'm that tired because it's stimulating, but this time, with all my mood swings, music is helping me stay centered even when I don't want the stimulation.
1. Whole Album: Beck "Morning Phase."
Beck is an artist that I enjoy socially and in small doses on my own, but overall doesn't really fit who I am as a person as well as other artists do. This album is so tranquil though. It's so relaxed, so at peace with the world, and such a calm and optimistic way to start my day. It's about the morning - that wonderful feeling of waking up rested before starting the day. I don't experience the waking up rested part often, but this helps me feel like I know what it feels like. :) This album is free to stream on Amazon Prime.
2. Whole Album: Evanescence "Synthesis"
Evanescence is a band with a lot of songs I've always thought I would like if only they didn't have incredibly boring metal guitars in almost every song. Amy Lee writes powerful melodies and sings so beautifully, but the guitars sound the same in every song. Well, she decided to come back with this album. It's mostly rearranged songs from her previous albums, with a couple new songs. This time the songs are full of what I love about their music and none of what I disliked. She hired an orchestra and the band isn't focused on producing the metal sound. It's beautiful - orchestral to create a big full sound that portrays the power in the songs better than the metal guitarists could. It's a mature Evanescence, an evolution of the band I was always hoping for. I absolutely love every second of this album! If you have Amazon Prime the album is streaming for free.
If I can point out one song in particular on this album that I've been so drawn to. This comes from an older album, and the original version is just... blah. This version brings the song to life (pun intended for fans lol.) "End of the Dream"
Why must we fall apart to understand how to fly? I will find a way, even without wings.
"Imaginary"
Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos your reality. I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge. The nightmare I built my own world to escape.
"Perfect Imperfection"
I want to lift you up into the light that you deserve. I want to take your pain into myself so that you won't hurt. Don't you dare surrender! Don't leave me here without you, because I could never replace your perfect imperfection.
"Lithium"
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without. Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
"Hi-Lo"
(Can't link to music video...)
Don't you know we could be high or low, you'll never fall beneath me. And I gave up on you, but I never forgot you.
"Darkness" (Honestly probably my favorite song at the moment. Can't stop listening.)
I am famous for my generosity, they say I am the kindest. It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love.
"Taken by the Sea"
Fall, I took a fall, I took it easy. On the surface I was perfect, but down, way down below, I started believing I deserved it. Was I worthless? Sinking like a rescue boat washing right over me, vessel is struggling, waving both my hands in the air. Then the blindness of love, then your arms all around me...
"So Beautiful"
And if all the world was perfect I would only ever want to see your scars
"Stupid Mistake"
I made a stupid mistake and my world crashed down all around me. I made a stupid mistake and I threw it all away, threw it all away...
4. Florence and the Machine, whole album "How Big How Blue How Beautiful" and several songs off other albums. Florence Welch is a mixed bag full of wonderful song writing with a band that isn't always tight or perfect, and with a beautiful heavenly voice that isn't trained well enough to always sound its best. Somehow, even though my standards are high for quality pop and rock music, this doesn't bother me, because her songs aren't simple. Well, some of them are, but she makes them good in other ways. She is a woman who has dealt with addictions (including sex addiction that's prevalent in her lyrics, not something I relate to), and she knows how to tackle her mental health through song writing. I'm not like her in many ways, but she knows how to speak to my soul. She has music for when I'm stressed out, angry, burned out... and most importantly, when I'm trying to tackle my own issues. Here's a sampling of her songs that have helped me:
"Sky Full of Song"
Hold me down I'm so tired now, aim your arrow at the sky. Take me down, I'm too tired now. Leave me where I lie...
"Shake It Out"
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!
"Falling"
Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release. Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief. Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace. It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief.
"Blinding"
No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself has been undone...
"Various Storms and Saints"
You'll find a rooftop to sing from, or find a hallway to dance. You don't need no edge to cling from. Your heart is there, it's in your hands. I know it seems like forever. I know it seems like an age. But one day this will be over. I swear it's not so far away.
5. Emiliana Torrini. She's an Icelandic singer with a beautiful soft voice, and she knows how to write musical poetry. She can describe a scene like no one else. There is a different mood on each of her albums. Some of her songs get incredibly dark in subject matter (singing about a homicide, for instance), but some expose the simply beauty of the world and make it grand. I don't always connect with her when I'm in depressed dark place, but I like pretty much every song she's ever written.
"Blood Red"
I want a car in red, without a roof, blood red. Goes so fast my lipstick runs downriver. Instead I stay a while longer. So restricted. I know too much, I'm so affected, the winding hours belong to strangers.
"Birds"
Lend me your wings and teach me how to fly. Show me when it rains, the place you go to hide.
6. Muse. I've talked about them before, don't need to repeat. But they have a brand new song out that is perfect for my mood. I love it so much.
"Something Human"
https://youtu.be/azAEHCQgcUI
Blogger won't let me embed the link to it, sadly and very annoyingly. But if you're into 80's stuff and fast cars and werewolves then you'll love the video. It's epic! And the song is so spot on about my need for escape.
There are other artists that I can connect with too, but I've talked about them before. U2, Muse, Jack White... I wanted to highlight that I've been listening to these artists a lot this summer. As if it's been winter.
Do you have suggestions for me? Let me know who helps you through dark times please. :)
1. Whole Album: Beck "Morning Phase."
Beck is an artist that I enjoy socially and in small doses on my own, but overall doesn't really fit who I am as a person as well as other artists do. This album is so tranquil though. It's so relaxed, so at peace with the world, and such a calm and optimistic way to start my day. It's about the morning - that wonderful feeling of waking up rested before starting the day. I don't experience the waking up rested part often, but this helps me feel like I know what it feels like. :) This album is free to stream on Amazon Prime.
2. Whole Album: Evanescence "Synthesis"
Evanescence is a band with a lot of songs I've always thought I would like if only they didn't have incredibly boring metal guitars in almost every song. Amy Lee writes powerful melodies and sings so beautifully, but the guitars sound the same in every song. Well, she decided to come back with this album. It's mostly rearranged songs from her previous albums, with a couple new songs. This time the songs are full of what I love about their music and none of what I disliked. She hired an orchestra and the band isn't focused on producing the metal sound. It's beautiful - orchestral to create a big full sound that portrays the power in the songs better than the metal guitarists could. It's a mature Evanescence, an evolution of the band I was always hoping for. I absolutely love every second of this album! If you have Amazon Prime the album is streaming for free.
Why must we fall apart to understand how to fly? I will find a way, even without wings.
Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos your reality. I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge. The nightmare I built my own world to escape.
"Perfect Imperfection"
I want to lift you up into the light that you deserve. I want to take your pain into myself so that you won't hurt. Don't you dare surrender! Don't leave me here without you, because I could never replace your perfect imperfection.
"Lithium"
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without. Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
"Hi-Lo"
(Can't link to music video...)
Don't you know we could be high or low, you'll never fall beneath me. And I gave up on you, but I never forgot you.
"Darkness" (Honestly probably my favorite song at the moment. Can't stop listening.)
I am famous for my generosity, they say I am the kindest. It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love.
"Taken by the Sea"
Fall, I took a fall, I took it easy. On the surface I was perfect, but down, way down below, I started believing I deserved it. Was I worthless? Sinking like a rescue boat washing right over me, vessel is struggling, waving both my hands in the air. Then the blindness of love, then your arms all around me...
"So Beautiful"
And if all the world was perfect I would only ever want to see your scars
"Stupid Mistake"
I made a stupid mistake and my world crashed down all around me. I made a stupid mistake and I threw it all away, threw it all away...
4. Florence and the Machine, whole album "How Big How Blue How Beautiful" and several songs off other albums. Florence Welch is a mixed bag full of wonderful song writing with a band that isn't always tight or perfect, and with a beautiful heavenly voice that isn't trained well enough to always sound its best. Somehow, even though my standards are high for quality pop and rock music, this doesn't bother me, because her songs aren't simple. Well, some of them are, but she makes them good in other ways. She is a woman who has dealt with addictions (including sex addiction that's prevalent in her lyrics, not something I relate to), and she knows how to tackle her mental health through song writing. I'm not like her in many ways, but she knows how to speak to my soul. She has music for when I'm stressed out, angry, burned out... and most importantly, when I'm trying to tackle my own issues. Here's a sampling of her songs that have helped me:
"Sky Full of Song"
Hold me down I'm so tired now, aim your arrow at the sky. Take me down, I'm too tired now. Leave me where I lie...
"Shake It Out"
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!
"Falling"
Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release. Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief. Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace. It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief.
"Blinding"
No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself has been undone...
"Various Storms and Saints"
5. Emiliana Torrini. She's an Icelandic singer with a beautiful soft voice, and she knows how to write musical poetry. She can describe a scene like no one else. There is a different mood on each of her albums. Some of her songs get incredibly dark in subject matter (singing about a homicide, for instance), but some expose the simply beauty of the world and make it grand. I don't always connect with her when I'm in depressed dark place, but I like pretty much every song she's ever written.
"Blood Red"
I want a car in red, without a roof, blood red. Goes so fast my lipstick runs downriver. Instead I stay a while longer. So restricted. I know too much, I'm so affected, the winding hours belong to strangers.
"Birds"
Lend me your wings and teach me how to fly. Show me when it rains, the place you go to hide.
6. Muse. I've talked about them before, don't need to repeat. But they have a brand new song out that is perfect for my mood. I love it so much.
"Something Human"
https://youtu.be/azAEHCQgcUI
Blogger won't let me embed the link to it, sadly and very annoyingly. But if you're into 80's stuff and fast cars and werewolves then you'll love the video. It's epic! And the song is so spot on about my need for escape.
There are other artists that I can connect with too, but I've talked about them before. U2, Muse, Jack White... I wanted to highlight that I've been listening to these artists a lot this summer. As if it's been winter.
Do you have suggestions for me? Let me know who helps you through dark times please. :)
Sunday, December 24, 2017
U2
On chronic illness support groups a common topic is music that helps people get through the difficulty with the illness. One of the most frequently mentioned artists for this is Lady Gaga. For me? I think it's obvious to anyone who knows me: U2.
It's Christmas Eve. I'm exhausted, just relaxing while the roast is baking. I'm listening to U2's new album, "Songs of Experience." As the song "Landlady" came on I had an epiphany. I was thinking through how many years U2's music has helped me stay strong, find reasons to be happy, learn to love myself better, and appreciate the people in my life. I started to wonder what it specifically that has touched me the most about their music. As Bono sang in "Landlady" about how much he truly respects and appreciates all his wife has done for him, it struck me. I love U2 so much because I'm very attracted to people who deeply love. Thinking through all my favorite people in my life, they've all been people who have a deep passion for something that makes people better. They have a true love and respect for humanity, and while they recognize and admit to the darkness and cruelty in people and this world, they still have this rich passion of loving people. I can't connect with people who don't recognize the darkness and despair in life and push it away. I connect with people who know the darkness like a close sibling, but always point to the light. That's my husband. That's my best friends. That's my parents. That's my heroes, some of whom I have met and some of whom I have not. That's U2, not just specifically Bono. But Bono is my greatest hero in the world today. U2's music is full of passion and love - they want nothing more than to make the world a better place. And they do. They make my world a better place so that I can make other's worlds better places.
What U2's music does for me is helps me not focus on my problems as a negative working against me, but instead their music helps me find my place in the world despite my problems and the world's problems. Yes, their music is very political. It's very personal. They very rarely write songs about romantic love. They can't write a simple fun tune, all their songs are heavy ("Lemon" might be the ONE song that isn't heavy, ha!) That's a turn off to many people, and I understand that. Many people think Bono's incredibly arrogant and claim to hate him because of it, but I don't think they're actually listening to him. But to me, music that doesn't have anything to say is boring. I'd rather have an arrogant insecure Irish man tell me how beautiful American's political system is than have most Americans telling me how it's ruining our freedoms and liberties. I'm sick of American's views on America. Most pop music bores me to tears. U2's songs have so much to say that they always keep me pondering the meaning of my life in this world, and I thank them for keeping me focused on my purpose in this crazy world. Political or not, they keep me focused on love through this crazy mess of a world.
As "Landlady" came on, I was brought to tears by listening to how much Bono loves his wife. I have so much respect for Bono and Ali. They've only ever been married to each other, never any divorce. They show the world what marriage is all about. "I would win and call it losing if the prize is not for you."
My chronic illnesses can't take over my life and get me down when I have U2 singing about love and passion for all that is right and just in this world. My life isn't about me. I have value, no matter how much I'm hurting and held back. I have a place, no matter how broken and distant I'm feeling. I have a purpose, no matter how empty and drained I am. Their messages cut through my depression and anger and remind me who I am, who I was made to be, and how I can always keep growing despite my situation. I'm not defined by what I can't do, but by what I can. My health isn't my enemy. It isn't what's to blame for me not being the best version of myself.
So to Bono, Edge, Larry, and Adam: Thank you!
It's Christmas Eve. I'm exhausted, just relaxing while the roast is baking. I'm listening to U2's new album, "Songs of Experience." As the song "Landlady" came on I had an epiphany. I was thinking through how many years U2's music has helped me stay strong, find reasons to be happy, learn to love myself better, and appreciate the people in my life. I started to wonder what it specifically that has touched me the most about their music. As Bono sang in "Landlady" about how much he truly respects and appreciates all his wife has done for him, it struck me. I love U2 so much because I'm very attracted to people who deeply love. Thinking through all my favorite people in my life, they've all been people who have a deep passion for something that makes people better. They have a true love and respect for humanity, and while they recognize and admit to the darkness and cruelty in people and this world, they still have this rich passion of loving people. I can't connect with people who don't recognize the darkness and despair in life and push it away. I connect with people who know the darkness like a close sibling, but always point to the light. That's my husband. That's my best friends. That's my parents. That's my heroes, some of whom I have met and some of whom I have not. That's U2, not just specifically Bono. But Bono is my greatest hero in the world today. U2's music is full of passion and love - they want nothing more than to make the world a better place. And they do. They make my world a better place so that I can make other's worlds better places.
What U2's music does for me is helps me not focus on my problems as a negative working against me, but instead their music helps me find my place in the world despite my problems and the world's problems. Yes, their music is very political. It's very personal. They very rarely write songs about romantic love. They can't write a simple fun tune, all their songs are heavy ("Lemon" might be the ONE song that isn't heavy, ha!) That's a turn off to many people, and I understand that. Many people think Bono's incredibly arrogant and claim to hate him because of it, but I don't think they're actually listening to him. But to me, music that doesn't have anything to say is boring. I'd rather have an arrogant insecure Irish man tell me how beautiful American's political system is than have most Americans telling me how it's ruining our freedoms and liberties. I'm sick of American's views on America. Most pop music bores me to tears. U2's songs have so much to say that they always keep me pondering the meaning of my life in this world, and I thank them for keeping me focused on my purpose in this crazy world. Political or not, they keep me focused on love through this crazy mess of a world.
As "Landlady" came on, I was brought to tears by listening to how much Bono loves his wife. I have so much respect for Bono and Ali. They've only ever been married to each other, never any divorce. They show the world what marriage is all about. "I would win and call it losing if the prize is not for you."
My chronic illnesses can't take over my life and get me down when I have U2 singing about love and passion for all that is right and just in this world. My life isn't about me. I have value, no matter how much I'm hurting and held back. I have a place, no matter how broken and distant I'm feeling. I have a purpose, no matter how empty and drained I am. Their messages cut through my depression and anger and remind me who I am, who I was made to be, and how I can always keep growing despite my situation. I'm not defined by what I can't do, but by what I can. My health isn't my enemy. It isn't what's to blame for me not being the best version of myself.
So to Bono, Edge, Larry, and Adam: Thank you!
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Mental Health Part 2
I won't apologize for my last post in which I worried some of you. Thank you to those of you who reached out and expressed concern. I believe the post was important to write because I needed to express how much I was suffering. The way my illnesses affect my mental health is important to solving my illnesses, and hopefully helps others make sense of their illnesses.
Last month I flew out to see my doctor again. It was a long overdue much needed appointment. I believe the therapies I had done in the clinic stirred up some toxins in my body, which probably contributed to that bought of severe depression I just went through. It certainly made a difference in my body - I can feel less of a toxic body burden weighing me down. But I did stir up toxicity nonetheless.
I'm doing better again. Anxiety attacks have calmed down, and the brain fog has lifted enough that I no longer am stuck in depression. I don't know if it's due to my body calming down after the therapies, or perhaps it's because the sun finally came out. Suddenly, literally over night, the temps went from 60's to 90's. It's been in the 90's all week. The sun feels AMAZING. What's interesting about that is that my lab test results came back, and it said my vitamin D level is at 88. 88!!! It's taken 3 years to raise my level to where it's almost supposed to be (I should be in the 90's according to my doctor.) 3 years of 15,000iu a day!! The reason the sun helps me so much must not be the vitamin D it gives me. It must be something else. I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and winter is like a slow mild poison to my mental health. Mix that with stirring up toxins in my body and it's a disaster.
But there's also the other elephant in the room: stress! Stress is constant. Stress prevents recovery and rest. Stress makes me spend energy I don't have, wearing me out further. Stress puts my body into depression. The worse my adrenals, the worse my mental health. I lose the ability to spend energy on thinking. Memory recall, planning, dreaming/brainstorming, problem solving, learning... yep, it all shuts down. The more stressed I am, the less brain power I have. Stress is pure poison to me, and I get so frustrated and angry when people don't respect this fact. When people give me more problems, tasks to accomplish, or worries to worry about it actually makes my brain work less well and diminishes my ability to do what they tell me to do. The anger at others not understanding this problem stresses me further. I shut down. I ignore problems and tasks. It's fight or flight, but flight is the only option because there's no energy to fight. I simply cannot tolerate stress. Yes, I really do need to live in a bubble, and people don't understand this need either. Give me enough time to rest in my bubble and my body will recharge and I'll have energy to spend on working through stress again. But I'm burn out mode. I have NOTHING to give. So naturally, my husband wanting me to look for lodging that will work for me so we can go on a 10 year anniversary trip... sigh, stress.
I appreciate those of you who reached out to me and told me I can talk about my depression with you. It's very kind of you, and I need to know I have that kind of love and support in my life. This might sound backwards to you, but this is the truth: There's nothing to talk about. It's not a depression due to problems. It's a depression due to lack of energy and brain power. So talking would make it worse. It would use up energy I need to rest with. I know that some types of depression are solved with friend therapy and support from others, but mine is the type that requires me to be alone. I'm not entering further into the darkness through isolation. I'm letting myself recharge. Once a phone's battery is down to 10%, trying to use it only drains the battery faster, and the only solution is to stop using it and plug it in. I'm that phone at 10%. Well, I was. I'm probably at 25 % now. I'm no longer in "battery saving mode," but I'm on the verge of it. Let me charge more. :)
I know there's a lot to update you all on in this blog. I need to finish my mattress part 3 post, write about the new organic hemp sleeping bag I bought, talk about my new lab results, and go into a blood pressure and heart rate issue I have. I want to talk about some other product reviews too. I'll probably write about it all eventually, if I'm up to it. I can't take the pressure, so if it happens it happens. I only write in this blog when I need the therapy that comes from writing, so bear with me. :)
Last month I flew out to see my doctor again. It was a long overdue much needed appointment. I believe the therapies I had done in the clinic stirred up some toxins in my body, which probably contributed to that bought of severe depression I just went through. It certainly made a difference in my body - I can feel less of a toxic body burden weighing me down. But I did stir up toxicity nonetheless.
I'm doing better again. Anxiety attacks have calmed down, and the brain fog has lifted enough that I no longer am stuck in depression. I don't know if it's due to my body calming down after the therapies, or perhaps it's because the sun finally came out. Suddenly, literally over night, the temps went from 60's to 90's. It's been in the 90's all week. The sun feels AMAZING. What's interesting about that is that my lab test results came back, and it said my vitamin D level is at 88. 88!!! It's taken 3 years to raise my level to where it's almost supposed to be (I should be in the 90's according to my doctor.) 3 years of 15,000iu a day!! The reason the sun helps me so much must not be the vitamin D it gives me. It must be something else. I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and winter is like a slow mild poison to my mental health. Mix that with stirring up toxins in my body and it's a disaster.
But there's also the other elephant in the room: stress! Stress is constant. Stress prevents recovery and rest. Stress makes me spend energy I don't have, wearing me out further. Stress puts my body into depression. The worse my adrenals, the worse my mental health. I lose the ability to spend energy on thinking. Memory recall, planning, dreaming/brainstorming, problem solving, learning... yep, it all shuts down. The more stressed I am, the less brain power I have. Stress is pure poison to me, and I get so frustrated and angry when people don't respect this fact. When people give me more problems, tasks to accomplish, or worries to worry about it actually makes my brain work less well and diminishes my ability to do what they tell me to do. The anger at others not understanding this problem stresses me further. I shut down. I ignore problems and tasks. It's fight or flight, but flight is the only option because there's no energy to fight. I simply cannot tolerate stress. Yes, I really do need to live in a bubble, and people don't understand this need either. Give me enough time to rest in my bubble and my body will recharge and I'll have energy to spend on working through stress again. But I'm burn out mode. I have NOTHING to give. So naturally, my husband wanting me to look for lodging that will work for me so we can go on a 10 year anniversary trip... sigh, stress.
I appreciate those of you who reached out to me and told me I can talk about my depression with you. It's very kind of you, and I need to know I have that kind of love and support in my life. This might sound backwards to you, but this is the truth: There's nothing to talk about. It's not a depression due to problems. It's a depression due to lack of energy and brain power. So talking would make it worse. It would use up energy I need to rest with. I know that some types of depression are solved with friend therapy and support from others, but mine is the type that requires me to be alone. I'm not entering further into the darkness through isolation. I'm letting myself recharge. Once a phone's battery is down to 10%, trying to use it only drains the battery faster, and the only solution is to stop using it and plug it in. I'm that phone at 10%. Well, I was. I'm probably at 25 % now. I'm no longer in "battery saving mode," but I'm on the verge of it. Let me charge more. :)
I know there's a lot to update you all on in this blog. I need to finish my mattress part 3 post, write about the new organic hemp sleeping bag I bought, talk about my new lab results, and go into a blood pressure and heart rate issue I have. I want to talk about some other product reviews too. I'll probably write about it all eventually, if I'm up to it. I can't take the pressure, so if it happens it happens. I only write in this blog when I need the therapy that comes from writing, so bear with me. :)
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
The Wounded Hawk
Last night I was reading A Bride's Story Vol. 5 by Kaoru Mori, and one of the chapters really inspired me. I think it captured the greatest issue all sick people worry about the most. Before I share the story in the chapter, let me give you a bit of background. A Bride's Story is a Japanese manga (not a childish manga, like you may be used to seeing,) about nomadic (traveling) tribes living on the Silk Road (eastern part of the Middle East) during the turn of the 19th century. It follows a few main characters as they live their day-to-day lives, really immersing the reader in the culture, habits, or lifestyle of these nomadic Muslim people. The two main characters featured in the pages I'm about to show you are an odd couple in an arranged marriage. The woman, Amir, is about 20 years old and is married to Karluk, the 12 year old boy, from a neighboring tribe (they have a very loving and patient relationship, despite the ages.) Amir loves to hunt with a bow and arrow, and then cooks for and feeds Karluk's family with the meat.
(Japanese books are read from right to left, the opposite of English books. Click on the photo to enlarge them to read. I do not have permission to use these images, but I do own the books. The scan quality isn't great because I didn't want to hurt my book by flattening them. I also don't want to give away the whole story/ experience, as I believe in buying the books to support the author. These books are expensive - but so worth reading!)
Amir goes out hunting and spots a wounded hawk, which she can tell is a trained hawk belonging to someone...
She takes the hawk back to her village with the intention of trying to heal it and finding its owner...
Amir hand feeds the hawk meat and tends to its wound. A while goes by, and Amir and Karluk decide it's time to release the bird to the wild since no one has claimed it. The hawk can't fly.
Karluk asks Amir if she wants to keep it as a pet, and she says, "That is completely unthinkable!" She wants the hawk to have a full life of flying and hunting, saying the hawk wouldn't really be living as a pet. She would rather the hawk be eaten in nature.
Karluk offers to "put down" the hawk so Amir, who had grown attached to it, doesn't have to. They bury the bird. The owner of the hawk finally comes to town, just a little too late.
There are many wonderful, strong messages to consider in this short story. What is the value and purpose of life? Is life worth living if you're not in good health, unable to "fully live?" Do other people have the authority to help you end your life if you're not healthy enough to "fully live?" Did Karluk do the right thing by putting down the hawk, or would the right thing have been to let the hawk live until it was eaten by a predator? Was Amir wrong to refuse to keep it as a pet and give it the happiest life it could expect to have with a broken wing?
If you're reading this blog, I'm guessing that you or someone you know is suffering complicated health issues. Those of us who are not healthy can relate to this poor hawk, can we not? The hawk had the will to live, because it gladly accepted food from Amir. The hawk had the will to attempt flight after trying to heal its wing. The hawk clearly desired to live a full, normal life. Don't we also desire a full, normal life? We say things like, "I wish I could taste my neighbor's heavenly pumpkin pie again, but my body would hurt too much if I did." Or, "If only I didn't get sick, I'd be president of my company now and I would be so fulfilled!" Or, "I wish my spouse didn't leave me, because it's not my fault that I got sick and couldn't take care of myself anymore!" Or, "If only I could do that one thing, despite my sickness, I would be happy." I also know that many sick people are too depressed to care about a normal life again, but yet somehow, they hold on to life, knowing there might be something left for them.
What do we do with us sick people who have the will to live, yet can't fully participate in life to the degree that most people do? Would it be more hospitable of us to "put them down," so to speak, than to help them live their life, with their abilities, to their fullest? Is life not longer valuable if the person can't fully participate in life? If a painter loses their hands, they can learn to paint with their mouth or toes. If a pilot loses his vision, he cannot make any adjustments in order to continue flying. There are various degrees of limitations among the sick. Some are able to make do with their limits and still find fulfillment in life. Others will have to learn a whole new way to be fulfilled if they are to continue enjoying life. What constitutes "not being able to fully participate in life?"
This is a very dark subject. I've been there - a year ago I was laying in bed in sheer pain, contemplating my worth. Wondering if recovery was even possible. Wondering if I'd ever feel even an ounce of happiness again. I held on to hope. I chose to believe that my life has value, even if I was useless to others in that state. I chose to believe that I deserved to live, even if my life was miserable and painful every moment of the day. I chose to believe that I could create a purpose for myself, even if I stayed that miserable the rest of my life. I chose to give my life value, and I chose to live. If I were that poor hawk, though, I would have been "put down." I, thankfully, am recovering! I know others, however, who haven't made any improvements in years, yet they still hold on to life, believing that they also deserve their valuable life. Some of these sick people I know are even very joyful, happy people, despite their severe limitations from poor health. They found purpose, and they're living their purpose!
As a Roman Catholic, I have faith-based answers to all these questions. I don't want to disclose them on this blog, as my intention is to help you come to your own conclusions. I'm not here to preach religion. Don't you think, however, that you would prefer to fight for your life than to let someone end it for you? What is your life worth to you? Can you make adjustments in order to find fulfillment? If not, do you still want your life? Why?
Have hope. Have faith.
Give yourself purpose.
Your worth is not determined by your health limitations.
(That said, I would have done the same as Amir and put the hawk down. The hawk grew completely dependent on her, and she couldn't be fully responsible for it as she had too many other responsibilities to her fellow humans. If the hawk were a human, however, the story would have been much different.)
(Japanese books are read from right to left, the opposite of English books. Click on the photo to enlarge them to read. I do not have permission to use these images, but I do own the books. The scan quality isn't great because I didn't want to hurt my book by flattening them. I also don't want to give away the whole story/ experience, as I believe in buying the books to support the author. These books are expensive - but so worth reading!)
Amir goes out hunting and spots a wounded hawk, which she can tell is a trained hawk belonging to someone...
She takes the hawk back to her village with the intention of trying to heal it and finding its owner...
Amir hand feeds the hawk meat and tends to its wound. A while goes by, and Amir and Karluk decide it's time to release the bird to the wild since no one has claimed it. The hawk can't fly.
Karluk asks Amir if she wants to keep it as a pet, and she says, "That is completely unthinkable!" She wants the hawk to have a full life of flying and hunting, saying the hawk wouldn't really be living as a pet. She would rather the hawk be eaten in nature.Karluk offers to "put down" the hawk so Amir, who had grown attached to it, doesn't have to. They bury the bird. The owner of the hawk finally comes to town, just a little too late.
There are many wonderful, strong messages to consider in this short story. What is the value and purpose of life? Is life worth living if you're not in good health, unable to "fully live?" Do other people have the authority to help you end your life if you're not healthy enough to "fully live?" Did Karluk do the right thing by putting down the hawk, or would the right thing have been to let the hawk live until it was eaten by a predator? Was Amir wrong to refuse to keep it as a pet and give it the happiest life it could expect to have with a broken wing?
If you're reading this blog, I'm guessing that you or someone you know is suffering complicated health issues. Those of us who are not healthy can relate to this poor hawk, can we not? The hawk had the will to live, because it gladly accepted food from Amir. The hawk had the will to attempt flight after trying to heal its wing. The hawk clearly desired to live a full, normal life. Don't we also desire a full, normal life? We say things like, "I wish I could taste my neighbor's heavenly pumpkin pie again, but my body would hurt too much if I did." Or, "If only I didn't get sick, I'd be president of my company now and I would be so fulfilled!" Or, "I wish my spouse didn't leave me, because it's not my fault that I got sick and couldn't take care of myself anymore!" Or, "If only I could do that one thing, despite my sickness, I would be happy." I also know that many sick people are too depressed to care about a normal life again, but yet somehow, they hold on to life, knowing there might be something left for them.
What do we do with us sick people who have the will to live, yet can't fully participate in life to the degree that most people do? Would it be more hospitable of us to "put them down," so to speak, than to help them live their life, with their abilities, to their fullest? Is life not longer valuable if the person can't fully participate in life? If a painter loses their hands, they can learn to paint with their mouth or toes. If a pilot loses his vision, he cannot make any adjustments in order to continue flying. There are various degrees of limitations among the sick. Some are able to make do with their limits and still find fulfillment in life. Others will have to learn a whole new way to be fulfilled if they are to continue enjoying life. What constitutes "not being able to fully participate in life?"
This is a very dark subject. I've been there - a year ago I was laying in bed in sheer pain, contemplating my worth. Wondering if recovery was even possible. Wondering if I'd ever feel even an ounce of happiness again. I held on to hope. I chose to believe that my life has value, even if I was useless to others in that state. I chose to believe that I deserved to live, even if my life was miserable and painful every moment of the day. I chose to believe that I could create a purpose for myself, even if I stayed that miserable the rest of my life. I chose to give my life value, and I chose to live. If I were that poor hawk, though, I would have been "put down." I, thankfully, am recovering! I know others, however, who haven't made any improvements in years, yet they still hold on to life, believing that they also deserve their valuable life. Some of these sick people I know are even very joyful, happy people, despite their severe limitations from poor health. They found purpose, and they're living their purpose!
As a Roman Catholic, I have faith-based answers to all these questions. I don't want to disclose them on this blog, as my intention is to help you come to your own conclusions. I'm not here to preach religion. Don't you think, however, that you would prefer to fight for your life than to let someone end it for you? What is your life worth to you? Can you make adjustments in order to find fulfillment? If not, do you still want your life? Why?
Have hope. Have faith.
Give yourself purpose.
Your worth is not determined by your health limitations.
(That said, I would have done the same as Amir and put the hawk down. The hawk grew completely dependent on her, and she couldn't be fully responsible for it as she had too many other responsibilities to her fellow humans. If the hawk were a human, however, the story would have been much different.)
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
R.I.P., Robin Williams. May your story help us take a stronger stance against depression.
Last night, a terrible tragedy shook the world. Robin Williams was found dead by suicide. It has come into light that he struggled with alcoholism and depression, and he finally gave up the struggle.
I was deeply saddened by the news, as I've always been a fan of Robin Williams. He played some of, what I consider to be, the most important roles in any Hollywood movie. He played Peter Pan in Hook, a character struggling deeply with adult responsibility, parenthood, and loss of childhood. Peter was a character any parent can relate to, and therefore could remind parent of what is most important in life. Life is a great adventure. He played a mental health professional in Good Will Hunting. His character wasn't just speaking to Matt Damon's, he was speaking to everyone watching the film. "It's not your fault." Robin played a high school teacher in Dead Poet's Society, inspiring students in the film and watching the movie to truly live for something. He also played a doctor in Awakenings, based on a true story and actual people, who made a tremendous discovery about music and reflexes healing patients who were "stuck" and could no longer use their bodies. This list, clearly, is not comprehensive.
How could an actor who regularly chose roles which inspired the audience to appreciate life and desire to really live get caught up in a depression that caused him to take his own life? Doesn't he value life?
This caused me to spend time reflecting on my own situation. About this time last year, I was beginning my descent into the worst episode of my life. I laid in bed all day, surrendering to pain, but also giving up the fight to live a normal life. Fatigue had completely taken over. I wasn't capable of doing anything. My internal medicine doctor tried to send me to a psychologist, believing my pain was just a manifestation of mental health issues. I knew better - I carefully observed my brain slowly shutting down the worse the condition of my body became. I also experienced the effects of Cymbalta deadening my thoughts, making me believe that death would be better than going on living through the "nothingness" each day. I longed for an end to the suppression of my mind and body. I either wanted my ability to live back, or I wanted to be dead. Death felt like the easier route. I, a Roman Catholic woman with a deep faith in God and a love for His creation, seriously considered suicide. Thankfully, I didn't have the mental or physical energy to bother with any sort of attempt.
I never saw the psychologist. I am an advocate of mental health care, as I saw first hand how wonderful therapy is when I worked at a mental health clinic as the secretary. I wasn't against going to the psychologist because I didn't believe psychology heals, I was against going because I knew that psychological healing takes work. Work takes energy. I had no energy, and I didn't want to waste my money on a therapy I couldn't actively participate in.
My story eventually drops me off in the office of an out-of-state naturopatic doctor. He asked me one of the most important questions I've ever been asked in regards to my mental health: "If I told you that I had a magic pill that would make you better upon taking it, how would you react?" My eyes lit up, and I grew excited. He said, "You're not depressed. You're sad. A depressed person wouldn't care about getting better. You do care, and you're just sad because you're suffering." He was right. I was never depressed after all. I sure felt depressed, but the mental health condition of actual depression was not my enemy. This gave me much needed hope. I wasn't crazy, I was just compromised with terrible health! The sadness, however, was still a very powerful force that caused me to consider suicide. If depression is any worse than what I was feeling, it's a wonder that depressed people survive.
I can't speak about Robin's condition, as I know very little about his personal life. I can, however, understand and sympathize with the desire to escape life, even with a strong conviction about the value of life. When the brain is compromised, the whole person is affected. In my case, my whole body, including my brain, was compromised. I could no longer think clearly, feel emotions, or have the energy to care. In Robin's case, if he suffered true depression, he wouldn't have been able to make good choices either. It doesn't matter how much he valued life if his brain wasn't capable of functioning properly. A lack of sanity makes people do things that they would not do when sane.
While there are many schools of thought on how to combat depression, whether through pills, nutrition, therapy, or other alternative methods, the most important part of the process is recognizing depression. A depressed person will not take care of him or herself. A depressed person is a very big threat to him or herself, and should not be left alone. A depressed person will fight getting help. Get that person help. Don't assume that person will "get over it."
There is always hope.
I was deeply saddened by the news, as I've always been a fan of Robin Williams. He played some of, what I consider to be, the most important roles in any Hollywood movie. He played Peter Pan in Hook, a character struggling deeply with adult responsibility, parenthood, and loss of childhood. Peter was a character any parent can relate to, and therefore could remind parent of what is most important in life. Life is a great adventure. He played a mental health professional in Good Will Hunting. His character wasn't just speaking to Matt Damon's, he was speaking to everyone watching the film. "It's not your fault." Robin played a high school teacher in Dead Poet's Society, inspiring students in the film and watching the movie to truly live for something. He also played a doctor in Awakenings, based on a true story and actual people, who made a tremendous discovery about music and reflexes healing patients who were "stuck" and could no longer use their bodies. This list, clearly, is not comprehensive.
How could an actor who regularly chose roles which inspired the audience to appreciate life and desire to really live get caught up in a depression that caused him to take his own life? Doesn't he value life?
This caused me to spend time reflecting on my own situation. About this time last year, I was beginning my descent into the worst episode of my life. I laid in bed all day, surrendering to pain, but also giving up the fight to live a normal life. Fatigue had completely taken over. I wasn't capable of doing anything. My internal medicine doctor tried to send me to a psychologist, believing my pain was just a manifestation of mental health issues. I knew better - I carefully observed my brain slowly shutting down the worse the condition of my body became. I also experienced the effects of Cymbalta deadening my thoughts, making me believe that death would be better than going on living through the "nothingness" each day. I longed for an end to the suppression of my mind and body. I either wanted my ability to live back, or I wanted to be dead. Death felt like the easier route. I, a Roman Catholic woman with a deep faith in God and a love for His creation, seriously considered suicide. Thankfully, I didn't have the mental or physical energy to bother with any sort of attempt.
I never saw the psychologist. I am an advocate of mental health care, as I saw first hand how wonderful therapy is when I worked at a mental health clinic as the secretary. I wasn't against going to the psychologist because I didn't believe psychology heals, I was against going because I knew that psychological healing takes work. Work takes energy. I had no energy, and I didn't want to waste my money on a therapy I couldn't actively participate in.
My story eventually drops me off in the office of an out-of-state naturopatic doctor. He asked me one of the most important questions I've ever been asked in regards to my mental health: "If I told you that I had a magic pill that would make you better upon taking it, how would you react?" My eyes lit up, and I grew excited. He said, "You're not depressed. You're sad. A depressed person wouldn't care about getting better. You do care, and you're just sad because you're suffering." He was right. I was never depressed after all. I sure felt depressed, but the mental health condition of actual depression was not my enemy. This gave me much needed hope. I wasn't crazy, I was just compromised with terrible health! The sadness, however, was still a very powerful force that caused me to consider suicide. If depression is any worse than what I was feeling, it's a wonder that depressed people survive.
I can't speak about Robin's condition, as I know very little about his personal life. I can, however, understand and sympathize with the desire to escape life, even with a strong conviction about the value of life. When the brain is compromised, the whole person is affected. In my case, my whole body, including my brain, was compromised. I could no longer think clearly, feel emotions, or have the energy to care. In Robin's case, if he suffered true depression, he wouldn't have been able to make good choices either. It doesn't matter how much he valued life if his brain wasn't capable of functioning properly. A lack of sanity makes people do things that they would not do when sane.
While there are many schools of thought on how to combat depression, whether through pills, nutrition, therapy, or other alternative methods, the most important part of the process is recognizing depression. A depressed person will not take care of him or herself. A depressed person is a very big threat to him or herself, and should not be left alone. A depressed person will fight getting help. Get that person help. Don't assume that person will "get over it."
There is always hope.
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