Fitness and Conditioning

I wish I could go to a gym and work out for an hour. I often day dream about lifting weights like I used to. I loved the feeling of being sore and tight in my muscles, feeling a natural tiredness from actually using my body well. I loved seeing muscles forming on my arms and legs. I loved shaping my body by staying toned. It felt really good. Now when I look at women in great shape it's a little hard for me. I'm really happy for them, but it makes me want to join them at the gym and get back into shape.

I really do my best to work out, but it's really challenging with chronic illness, and often ineffective or harmful. Let me break this down:

- Fatigue. I often have the mental willpower to sit at the machine and start pumping weights, so I'll go for it. And then I can't even finish a set before I run out of energy. This isn't a de-conditioning issue. If it was then my diet, supplements, and regular practice with the weights would mean I could do more every time. If it's de-conditioning, then I can actually improve. No, this is a problem of my body deflating with every pump of the weights until I have nothing left to stand up with. Every time I try I can do a different amount of weight lifting until the fatigue wins. No, it's not a de-conditioning issue, because if it was, I would be able to consistently do more with practice.

- Pain. I don't mean the normal wear and tear on muscles from working out. You know, the "it hurts so good!" pain that I love to feel. I mean joints on fire. I mean feeling ripping in my ovary from pushing or stretching. I mean chest pain from my HR going really high after just a minute of working hard. I mean throbbing in my head from blood not knowing how to circulate correctly while I'm working out. I mean an abnormal constriction in my neck and shoulder muscles that makes them super tight and in pain for a day or two after, like a cramp that doesn't want to be massaged out.

- Post Exertional Malaise. This is the fatigue that is the result of spending energy. For a healthy person, they might experience it for an hour or two after. They can still get stuff done if they have to, but they'll be tired and lose some motivation and focus. Their body needs to recover and they'll be fine. In my case, and the case of many people with various chronic illnesses, it's much worse. When I spend the limit of my energy or more than I have, it might take a day or two of recovery time to get back to my normal fatigued self. This means a lot more time in bed with brain fog, jello for muscles, disrupted metabolism and bathroom needs, mood issues, high heart rate with a sore achy chest, inflammation and swelling, and an inability to properly care for myself. When this is a normal response from my body, how am I supposed to work out regularly and have the ability to get stuff done? Like, having energy left to spend at my job? I have to pick and choose where my energy goes, as if my energy is money in my bank and the balance is always low.


So I do my best. What can I do?

- Walks. I feel the best results from going on walks, but the distance I can go depends greatly on how I'm feeling. 1 mile is my typical cut off point, but I have been able to go 2 miles on good days. Walking is the least taxing and most gentle way for me to move. I can move longer before my body gives out. The problem is that I live in North Dakota, so I can't be outside for half the year without a lot of weather gear on. Treadmill? I'm not getting a gym membership just to walk on the treadmill near stinky perfume-ridden people. I'm so reactive to perfume that I'll have to leave from feeling sick before I get much benefit from the gym. I've already gone this route with a YMCA membership. I also spend too much energy just getting to the gym. I'd rather just buy a treadmill for at home, but they're expensive!

- Stretching. I was in ballet and gymnastics for my entire childhood. I learned great stretches that I've continued to do my whole life. Stretching actually drains my energy rapidly. I can feel my battery depleting as I do it. But I feel like it gives me the most benefits with the least work.

- Doing short quick sets with lighter weights. I have a weight machine at home that I use, and if I do a little bit of everything over 3 to 4 minutes I can manage. It's not enough to build muscle or tone, but it allows me to use my muscles before triggering too many problems. I can feel my arms tightening up, but I can't find the energy to do enough to make them burn from building muscle.

- Tai Chi... to a certain point. I can't keep my arms lifted up long enough to stay in the poses. I like it because it works me out a lot with little effort, and it keeps me calm in the process. It isn't adrenaline-inducing. But it's physically taxing and I normally cannot make it through a sesson.

- Working on my feet for 4 hour shifts, 3 days a week. To me, going to work is my work out. I spend 3/4ths (or more) of my weekly energy at my job. I'm on my feet walking around, carrying stuff, cleaning, talking, squatting down and standing up, and just plain moving. Work leaves me feeling worn out and exhausted. I have had many many shifts where my heart physically hurts by the end. I almost always have post exertional malaise from shifts, so I'm often scheduled with a day or two between my shifts.


I want to make a special point to say that Yoga is not helpful. Why? I have POTS. Positional changes can be hard for me. Every time I try Yoga I get super dizzy, sometimes it gives me vertigo. It doesn't keep me stable while using my body.


The problem is that I still spend the majority of my time sitting or laying on my butt. It's not by choice, but by necessity. So I have a big flabby butt. The rest of my body doesn't reveal my lack of exercise that much, but my butt screams "I sit and lay too much!" I don't like it.

And that leads me to my next related issue: Clothes.

Notice how fitness and yoga clothes are the norm for women these days? Even jeans are skinny to show off our figures. Now, think of yourself as someone with chemical sensitivities that is reactive to synthetic fabrics, so you can only wear natural fibers and dyes without issues. Okay, now I want you to go shopping. Look for organic and natural clothing companies: Tasc Performance, Pact, Adventura, Synergy Organic, Toad and Co, Fisher's Finery, PrAna, Ten Tree, Groceries Apparel, Green Apple, LA Relaxed, etc. Find me some pants without added polyester that won't showcase how big my butt is. Please. And leave it in the comments when you find a pair. ;) Organic companies tend to make clothes for people who love fitness and have good bodies. Yes, they'll make sizes up to XL, but their pants (aka leggings) still tend to be tight. Almost all of these brands tailor their pants for women who do not have a curvy butt and wider hips. Maybe the problem is that I'm a size 8-10, I'm not overweight.

So I buy the pants and wear them, but I'm not happy about showing off just how out-of-shape my butt really is. I'd rather that my pants had enough thickness and structure to flatter my butt. But that's too much to ask, apparently. Carve Designs made a pair of jeans that fits my curvy figure and they're awesome, but I don't like the short inseam with the frizzy cut off bottoms. If they were full length pants I would hem them, but they're 29" - the perfect inseam length for me, so there's no room to hem.



I'm typing this post thinking about how badly I want to tone up. My mental energy wants me to go work out. My body is dizzy, feels like a brick, is sweating just sitting still in the cool air, with weak jello muscles, freezing icy cold toes, and keeps forgetting to breathe because it wants to stay still. I worked yesterday, and it was a physically demanding shift. Post exertional malaise.

Yearly Reflections

Hello world, my old friend. It's nice to think of you again.

Today is a day in which caffeine is only increasing my heart rate and blood pressure a little, not giving me energy. Well, perhaps enough energy to type this, but certainly not enough to move. I am one giant brick. A brick with itchy hives on my back. AGAIN. Round 4 of hives. If I had to work today I am not sure if I would find the strength to manage. All I have to do today is go to Fed Ex to make a quick drop-off. It's a 3 minute drive from my house. I'm having a difficult time even imaging myself making this trip. I have learned that when I am capable of imaging myself doing a task, then it means I have enough energy to handle it at some level.

Today is News Years Eve, the ultimate day of reflection and looking forward to new beginnings. I've been really moody for a few months - like out of control at times - so I partly want to do this post in defiance of my chronic bad mood.

So I'll be blunt.

2019 did not offer any changes to advance my healing process. That's about it. I'm the same as I have been. Exhausted, in occasional pain that ranges from mild to severe, not sleeping well to sleeping too deeply, weight has stayed between 10-20 pounds higher than I'd like, and nothing I've tried has improved me. 2019 has been a year of management.

So instead, I'll go over some of the highlights for me this year:

- I bought an Instant Pot. I HIGHLY recommend it! It has been saving time and energy, and I'm making better quality foods because it does so much of the work for me.

- I got to go to a Weird Al concert that took place 5 minutes away from my house. That was super fun - and he walked right in front of me! As a friend pointed out, this is my lame claim to fame now. Ha! This was one of those "worth getting sick" experiences, and I'm only remembering how much fun I had, not how I felt.

- My husband has begun grad school to get his doctorate, which has required him to live 3 hours a way for a few days a week. It's nothing against him, but it has given me more quiet alone time at home to be fully at rest. It's been very helpful in those moments, but also has been more stressful when he is home because the chores have increased. It has been a good experiment for me. I need to learn how to rest better and exercise my limited energy better, and I have better clarity on that now.

- I took care of a new garden this summer. My husband and father-in-law built it. Unfortunately, the weather this year has been difficult. Summer never really came before winter hit early. If I consider the weather, the garden was a success. I grew herbs and veggies and was able to eat them. Not everything grew or produced, but some things did. The energy required was a little more than I had, so it meant sacrificing doing other chores like loading the dishwasher. But I enjoyed it more!

- I have been able to develop deeper friendships with a couple of my friends, and I have people I can talk to every day about anything now. I struggle a lot with friends in person, simply because of the energy it takes. I almost always feel like I'm in a competition with everyone I talk to in person, a competition of give and take of energy. But talking online to people who are similar to me in terms of health struggles is awesome. Our energy can go into only typing to each other and reading responses on our own time. It's the lowest energy required, and it's allowing me to develop the strongest friendships I've had in many years. I'm really grateful for these people!

- The more I reflect on this year, the more I realize that this year has been about supporting my husband instead of doing much for myself. He has been taking on a lot of new challenges and succeeding. I do not believe there is any shame in women thriving in their roles of being a wife and homemaker over any type of job or career. We have moved towards a society in which women are judged on success based on their careers and how much money they make. I call BS. We should be judged on how much love we put out into the world, and that doesn't have to have anything do with money. I am valuable, and I have worked hard to understand that this year.



And so, world, I will enter the new decade in several hours. Do I need a fresh start? A new beginning? Oh yes, for sure - I think? But I won't get it, and that is okay. Next year will be a good year if I continue to manage as I have this year, and I don't foresee any major changes for me coming up this year. But I do have hope for the next decade that I will learn how to do more than manage. Perhaps I'll find the energy to finish writing my book and publish it. Perhaps I'll find a way to make more money without worsening my health. Perhaps I'll find a breakthrough with my health and get to live life with more energy again. Perhaps I'll get to experience major life changes that will give me new challenges that fit my energy level. It is very very likely that we will move. Maybe to a new city or state, maybe not. But the time to live in a place of our own is coming soon. Whatever this next year and decade have in store for me are worth looking forward to, even if it's more of the same for a while!

And now I might see if I can get a ride to Fed Ex. Ha!



But first, 10 year challenge:

2009:

Happy, full of adventure and wonder, loved to explore!

2019:

Still love to explore and enjoy being myself, but with a stoic spirit and relying on someone else to help me get around. I cut my bangs back to how they were in 2009, haha. Simplicity is easier.

Ableism

This post is not directed at anyone personally, it's actually inspired by a different blog I just read. I wanted to share my point of view on the topic. Some might think it's directed at them given how much I've struggled this week, but I promise it's not directed at anyone.

I want to talk about this other "-ism." The one that the media, "tolerant" people, and society in general doesn't talk about very often.

"Ableism"

Ableism is a concept like sexism, but in the case of ableism, it's an idea that disabled people can do what able bodied people can do. It seems obvious: a disabled person is not able to do everything a healthy able bodied person is able to do. It's obvious when you see someone with a broken leg. You would automatically understand that that person cannot run a 10k, because running requires both legs to be working properly. It is not obvious, however, in the case of people disabled by invisible illnesses. Do you assume that a person is fully able bodied just because you don't see obvious signs of disability, such a broken bones?

Ableism is a perspective rooted in misunderstanding, a lack of empathy, and often times just simply naivety. I'm not using the word ignorance here, because being ignorant implies that a person chooses to ignore the facts and wisdom about something. Ableism typically is not rooted in ignorance, because it's typically rooted in people who have never been presented with facts and wisdom to be able to ignore it. Ableism is due to a lack of advocacy and communication.

I normally get annoyed by the "-ism" talk, as I find that it's often over simplified as a means to be negative about someone or something. In the case of "ableism," however, I'm annoyed by the lack of talk about it at all! So I want to discuss my point of view on it.

I am disabled, but it's not obvious. My illnesses are not always invisible, but I don't let you see me when they are visible. When you do see me, it's because I have enough control over my body to act like a normal healthy person. This probably creates an assumption that I am actually healthy enough to do what any other healthy person can do.

You may assume that just because I occasionally drive a car that I can always drive a car. On the contrary, I often choose not to drive my car and will cancel my plans to avoid driving. If I drive when I'm not feeling capable it could be life threatening to myself and others. When I'm fatigued and weak my reaction time is very slow, both physically and mentally. When I'm fighting dizziness or vertigo it would be like drunk driving. When I'm in a pain flare I would be too distracted to focus on the road. The reality is that I don't drive very often, and when I do, I've prepped myself with my supplements, the right meal, and enough sleep first.

You may assume that just because you see me on my feet running around at work or the grocery store that I'm always able to be on my feet running around whenever I want to. Just like with my ability to drive, I have to prepare myself for these occasions with the right supplements and food first. I only work part time because I'm not capable of keeping my body in a state where I can be on my feet running around more than part time. I have to make choices, such as if I go to that outdoor autumn festival today, will I have the ability to work my shift tomorrow?

You may assume that just because I occasionally lift weights for exercise that I could do a graded exercise program to get better at lifting weights over time. Except every time I try to improve at some form of physical fitness my chronic fatigue gets worse. I only do what I feel I'm able to as I'm able to. I try to do enough exercise to burn off the high protein diet I eat, but not so much that it drains my strength for more important things, like going to work. Most importantly, just because one day I do 2 sets of 10 reps on my weight machine one day, does not mean I'll be able to carry that 25 pound box from FedEx up my stairs the next day. My strength ebbs and flows, it's not constant or predictable. My ability or inability to exercise in any given moment also determines how well I function in general.

You may assume that just because you see me in public talking to people like it's no problem, does not mean I'm able to talk on the phone at home any time. I can't tell you how many people have suggested I also work from home at an "easy" job like taking McDonald's orders over the phone. Do you realize how much energy talking takes? Especially in a fast paced job? It's difficult for me to keep up mentally, I start to stutter, sometimes my voice goes out on me, my voice gets rough and growls, I say the wrong words without realizing it, I can't say the words I'm reading because my brain won't translate what my eyes sees to my mouth... talking is like a sport to me! It's exhausting! Again, talking is a skill I reserve for times when I need to.

You may assume that because I'm a human being and I need to eat food to survive, that I should be able to order take out so that I can eat when I'm feeling too weak to cook for myself. Sorry, nope. I have yet to find a single restaurant in all of the city I live in that serves a dish I can safely eat for a price that I can afford. I'm not going to pay $40 for a 6 oz grass fed steak from a place that normally butters their steaks. I seem to be allergic to dairy, and I've learned that telling a server about my allergies doesn't mean my meal will be allergen free. Chefs make mistakes very often, or they simply don't know that an ingredient they always use would contain the food I'm allergic to. I MUST reserve enough energy to prepare my own food - this is a necessity for me. There's no other option. I can't live on convenience anymore, sadly, even though I need convenience more now than ever due to my fatigue.

You may assume that I can stand up as needed, such as during church or during the Pledge of Allegiance. I have a condition called POTS. I think it's fairly mild compared to many other people I've talked to with POTS, but 2 doctors have told me I have it. It means that when I go from sitting to standing that I experience pre-syncope - the feeling that I'm going to faint. My vision gets weak, sometimes black, I get very dizzy, I see random colors spinning around me, I can forget to breathe, my stomach and bladder sink, and I feel like I need to collapse. I'm not prone to fainting, so I often will stand up and deal with feeling all of these symptoms until my body finally adjusts and I stabilize. But what if that time is the one time I do faint and I hit my head on something on the way down? You can't see everything I feel when I stand up, but I experience it almost every time. I do my best when I slowly stand up, then stay on my feet and moving. I can't stay standing in one spot long, I must keep my circulation up.

You may assume that I can manage my periods just like any other woman has to manage them. Except that not many women have endometriosis, POTS, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue like me. There is no cure for endometriosis. There's hardly even ways to manage it. There's no cure for POTS, and no official FDA approved drug to treat it. When you put endometriosis and POTS together, you get this disastrous combination of extreme pain with extreme weakness. PMS can mean exhaustion to the point of being out of breath just trying to get to the bathroom. The period itself can mean I'm so dizzy that everything spins around me while I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed.  Not to mention all the other symptoms. For about 12 years now I've been completely incapable of doing anything other than laying in bed and sitting on the toilet for the first day of my period. Surgery didn't help. At all. Healthy women with a normal period and some "normal" cramping can take a pain killer (if they even need it) and go on with their day like they're just a little extra tired. That sounds like a miracle to me. For years I took 12 ibuprofen on the first day of my period to manage the pain. It wasn't enough, but nothing else I tried worked better.

You may assume that just because my hair is clean that it wasn't a struggle to wash it. 50% of the time I shower I'm sitting on the floor of the shower while I wash. It's because it's exhausting to hold my arms up and stand up at the same time. My heart rate skyrockets and I get out of breath. I always wait to shower until times when I'm feeling strong enough. When I have to shower, but I'm not feeling strong enough, I'll often choose to not wash my hair and go out with dirty hair.


I could go on with many many more examples of how I'm not able-bodied. My disability judge and a few doctors agree. (Yes, I won my disability case after 3.5 years - but more on that some other time.) I'm disabled in many ways. But I look healthy. I do my make up, put decent clothes on, wash my hair, don't wear any casts or medical devices, I avoid engaging with people when I'm struggling cognitively... odds are, I won't give you much reason to assume I'm disabled when you actually do see me in public.

What do I need from you? Why do you need to understand all of this?

I need you to believe me. If I say no, I'm not capable. If I say no, I'm not up to it. If I ask you for help, please help. Don't argue. Just believe me. Don't shame me. Just trust me. 

I'm a highly independent person who likes to do as much as I can for myself. I've always thought that I need to do things myself to make sure they're done how I want them done. When put a knife through my thumb and couldn't use it for a few weeks, I taught myself how to put my bra on without that thumb. When I couldn't use my right hand due to major wrist problems and was in a brace, I bought a mouse I could use with my left hand and taught myself to write with my left hand. I get creative so I can stay independent. I avoid asking for help. So getting to be this sick has been a challenge for me, because I've had to swallow my pride and learn to ask for help. I've had to accept that I can't perform to my personal standards. It's very humiliating to me. So when I ask for help or say no, and you reply with a lecture or a snarky comment, you just add to humiliation I already personally feel about myself. If you need to say no to me, just say no. Don't attack me in the process.

Ableism. The idea that you assume someone is able to do what you are able to do.

Thanks for listening. :) 

Dear Christians,

Dear Christians,

Thank you for trying to care and spread love to all of God's creation, even those with chronic illnesses like myself.

But... I have something to say to you.

1. A lack of faith isn't why I suffer.
Why be condescending towards me? Is your faith strong than mine just because you don't have a chronic illness?

2. God doesn't necessarily want me to be "healed." 
Do you know God's will for me? Am I pre-destined to be healthy?

3.  Suffering doesn't make me a bad Christian. 
Living with depression and suffering from disabilities is not the same as living in sin. I don't need to be saved from the burden of physical limitations to reach salvation and find joy in God.

4. Do I need to be healthy to fulfil my life's purpose?

Are only the most physically and mentally qualified people allowed to do God's will, as if we're hired to do a job with prerequisites?

5. I'm still waiting for you to stop telling me what to do, how to feel, how to act, and what to be. I'm praying for you to seek to understand, not to be understood. All you have to do is let Jesus live through you, you don't need to be a dictator on how to have faith. To quote Bono, "Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady."

6. Laying your hand on me and praying for me in public is not always the best way to spread the Gospel. God blesses those who pray in silence when no one is watching. My faith is deeply personal, and I don't need you to put me on display. I respect and understand the need for a faith community, but while I'm on the clock at my job is not the time to prove your faith for me by forcing me into a few minutes of spoken prayer.

7. Faith is not an emotion. Let me say that again. Faith is not an emotion. If the Christian pop song on K-love doesn't melt my heart, make me stop what I'm doing to put my hands up in the air, and feel God's love it doesn't mean I'm lacking faith. I'm not charismatic in my faith. I don't need God to give me emotional highs to know He's present. I'm not falling away from God and into sin when I feel sad, depressed, lonely, or angry. I'm sorry if I don't look like I'm Christian just because this very new evangelical culture (as in it's not as old as the Church or the Bible) doesn't work for me, but I'm not trying to prove anything to you. I only have to prove my faith to God, and I can do that in silence where no one can see while I'm feeling depressed and angry. I don't want to be on display, fake or force emotions, or even feel guilty for not expressing my faith through emotion. I do not feel guilty for not being charismatic. But you might notice my faith through how I treat and care for people.

8. Consider that my suffering is actually a blessing to my soul, and that perhaps it's helping me serve God better. Is there not something to be learned from any experience? Should we not always grow as people? Can I not be formed into a strong faithful person through difficult times?

9. Stop telling me I'm not doing enough. You think I have to make an appointment with some stranger in some office building to have them pray over me for me to be healed? You think I have to fly to another state to meet with some special spiritual healer over 12 days in order to heal? You think my church community isn't good enough if they're letting me suffer? You think receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick is not effective and your special spiritual leader is the only one who can help? Have a little faith in me and my faith community.

10. I see that you're trying to make the world fit your worldview that you think encompasses God's will for all of his creation.Please never stop learning, updating your worldview, and seeking new understanding. Stick to your values and morals - you need them! But allow yourself to empathize with people. Sometimes life isn't as simple as following rules that fit your worldview.

11. Consider that I don't have the energy to have deep conversation about which denomination I am every time you see me.Consider that you might be driving me away from the Christian culture due to how exhausting it is to listen to you tell me how my denomination is wrong, my faith is incomplete, and I need to change my personality to fit how people with faith should be.


Thank you for listening. Have a conversation, in which we take turns listening to each other without giving each other orders, with me when I can handle it. Ask for a time when it won't drain me and make me suffer more. Just stop telling me I'm wrong because I'm sick. I'm too tired to keep being beaten down by your lofty standards for Christians. Stop bragging about your faith being why your life is so good and mine has problems.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Christian


Note:
Each of these points are referring to specific encounters with multiple, various people. Most of them were complete strangers. These are not arbitrary references. I've debated on writing this publicly for over a year now, and it's time that I released the pressure and finally just express myself. I am legitimately concerned about how a couple (out of several) Christian cultures is treating people with Chronic Illness, but I believe all Christians need to hear my letter.

Blood Deficiency (Chinese Medicine)

In Traditional Chinese Medicine there is a concept called "blood deficiency." It doesn't necessarily mean that a person is lacking actual physical blood. If you would like to learn what it is, I suggest this article. In western medicine it often presents as anemia or chronic fatigue, but other wise healthy people can experience it.

I regularly fight blood deficiency. It causes me to fall away into the core of who I am, living there, unable to really connect with the world around me. I become distant, irritable, very guarded, and often incoherent. My thoughts and emotions feel highly intense and heightened due to living in them, but I have no energy to express them. There's no strength with which to pour that emotional experience into art, conversation, or work. So I appear outwardly cold, uncaring, dazed and confused, and perhaps even unloving. The truth is that I love hard and fierce, but if you want me to show it you'll just have to watch for the finer details in how I do spend my energy. If you give me time to be alone, let me recharge, and be very selfishly focused on my own needs then you'll see me come out of my cocoon and wanting to invest in you again. Until I'm once again drained. When people take a little from me every day, I never recharge, and you won't see me turn into that butterfly that is who I really am when I have full strength.

So you must understand that I have to pick and choose who I give my energy to very very carefully. For years I tried to maintain this blog, be active in Facebook support groups, be an attentive wife and friend, and give my best efforts to my job. It wasn't working for me. People kept taking more from me than I had to give. I now have accepted that my body has decided to control who I can give any energy to. Don't misunderstand. If I were well, I would treat every person in my life as equally important. I'm not well.

I have two versions of being trapped in this state. One version is that I can't tolerate outside stimulation. I don't want TV, music, people, or other distractions. I just want to be in silence. In this version I tend to be calm and submissive in my dreams, where I live. I can't step into reality, my dreams are always in my vision. I just let my natural desires and instincts play out in these dreams, and normally I find I'm just giving up and giving in to anything.

The other version is the one I'm in now. I crave music that reflects my emotional state, to the point of playing the same few songs over and over and over. I want to be fed what I want to feel, not made to produce those feelings on my own. I want my food to comfort and warm me. I'll drink hot herbal tea constantly. I want to have deep basal desires met, maybe physical touch, emotional, spiritual... like I'm hurting for not having my cravings filled. I want a very deep conversation with a person online to connect my soul with someone else I fully trust (no small talk or work talk or I will scream), but not in person. It's easier to type than to speak, and I'm not burdened with the need to show facial expression or body language online. Thankfully I have made a couple of online friends who are the same wavelength as me most of the time. I don't need a selfish conversation - often I just want to ask question and listen to them, but this sort of connection is like food to me. I selfishly need it as fuel so I don't go crazy. 

Either way, you may see the trend that I just can't fully exist in reality. It wouldn't matter how good my life is, I wouldn't be able to engage with it. No matter how many times I say this, people don't know how to respond. Some people think they can just force reality on me. Others just act like I didn't ask them to leave me alone. Some try to help me - and I do not want it. Help means work, which drains and only makes me worse. It means I have to respond with gratitude, and that response can drain me. Think of me like a cocoon. I'll come out and engage with you when I'm ready. 

No matter the version I feel, my physical symptoms are often the same. Poor digestion, bloating, blurred strained vision, light sensitivity, worsened POTS, low blood pressure, painfully freezing purple toes, joint stiffness and aches, aching heart from being over worked, muscle tension and pain, swollen tongue and tight throat, feeling 100 pounds heavier than I am, pale lackluster skin with huge bags under my eyes... and this time, I've been bleeding very heavy for a week during the middle of my cycle. All that bleeding prevents me from healing and improving.

The acupuncture bed is my favorite place to be each week. Acupuncture is a fine art, the practitioner and skill level really does matter. I start with having cupping done, and the warmth it brings to my back is one of the best feelings in the world. It helps my muscle tension, but it also helps me take a deep satisfying breath. I often cough from the raw feeling of breathing air into the bottom of my lungs after cupping. Then come the needles. Sometimes my body fights the effect and my heart rate sky rockets - my qi moves quickly and can feel like anxiety flowing through me for a while until I finally deeply relax. Other times the needles kill all the anxiety in me, allowing me to fall deep into soul and stop feeling my body at all. I have the best imagination and dreams in this state. 30 minutes of deep pure relaxation and comfort that can't be replicated by any drug. I've had out-of-body experiences, and that feeling is more therapeutic than anything else in the world.

It's hard for me to write this. The person I am when I'm well and healthy would be embarrassed by this. I'm careful about how I present myself so that I can get along with everyone. I like to know who people are, and I like to show how much I care. When I'm healthy I guard any dark, anti-social, depressed feelings I have from others so I can just show them love and care. I'm a highly empathic person, but I've turned that empathy on myself and away from others. I'm studying myself like I'm another person desperately trying to connect with this person I see in me.

The best thing you can do is let me guard my energy. Don't take it personally. Taking it personally will tug at my empathetic nature and drain me. It's not about you. It's about me being hardly alive. I'm a flicker of myself. Don't put that light out. 

To the Skeptics Who Want Me Off My Supplements...

It's amazing how quickly the mental and brain symptoms come back when I don't take my supplements. I've only been taking my supplements on days I work so that I can manage my job, but I'm trying to keep off of them as much as possible so I'm prepared for doctor visits (whenever they finish reviewing my referral.) This is only the second day without taking my pills, and the negativity is strong within me. Anger, doubt, depression, apathy, dismissiveness, hopelessness... that dark grey cloud is moving back in.

It makes it so hard to think clearly about my situation or make plans. Right now I just want to quit everything and throw my hands up in the air, giving up. Giving in. But I know if I used my progesterone, took my lithium, and drank my inositol powder that I'd have a different attitude on the matter. That it would be worth continuing to fight.

And the brain fog! Did I just go to the bathroom? I'm not sure. Do I feel like I need to go? I thought I did need to earlier... so maybe I did go? Yes, these are the thoughts I have about many parts of life.

Cravings for carbs and sugars are coming back in a big way too. I'm not as stable with my diet. I'm not supposed to have any starches and I know it's true because I don't feel well after I eat them. But I'm craving starches now. Some need in my body has been met by something in one of my supplements, just not sure what that need is.

I hate this limbo. I really need my appointments to get scheduled so that I can have less anxiety about not taking my supplements. I'm also kind of irritated that they work this well, because it means I'll still have to take them all for a while longer. I'm getting pill fatigue. Why is my body refusing to heal more than it has? I'm investing so much into regaining my health, but my body is saying, "Nope." Ugh.

I'm getting very impatient about finding out what I need to do to continue improving or coming to accept that I can't get better. That this is the best I'll be. I'm getting annoyed by having hope and perseverance. I just want a final answer.

What A Night of Sleep Looks Like During MCS Reaction

I'm not keeping up with this blog, so long story short, I've been using an Oura Ring since August. I want to give some detailed attention to this at some point, but I can't right now. Way too exhausted. In short, it is a highly advanced sleep tracker that has generally received good ratings as far as accuracy goes, but I'll dig into that topic later. It's not like a Fit Bit or other trackers - it uses different technology and can read a lot more. 

I want to show you what a night after a chemical exposure looks like for me. I came home from work feeling angry, fidgety, uncomfortable, and wanting to beat something up and smash it to pieces. I'm not totally sure what I was reacting to - normally I know right away if something is causing me reactivity, then will get a the worst reaction later on (delayed.) The fact that I was off my pills for 1.5 weeks and had only taken bare minimum to get by at work in the past 4 days has meant more reactions and reacting to lower exposures. Regardless, I was definitely reacting and was very uncomfortable. I went to bed with a resting heart rate jumping constantly between 95-120 while just laying still in bed.


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1olRRgWgc-rXaF2KlDJ6Zi238W9sXiQ-zeA/view?usp=sharing

You will need to click the link below the photo to see it full size to be able to read it. Blogger has some serious formatting limitations and will not allow me to turn the image into a link unless I feel like coding it in HTML, but their HTML is one wall of text, not formatted so that I can easily find where to edit. I'm feeling way too lazy to deal with that.

First problem: 4 hours of REM sleep!? I've read that high REM can mean high stress levels on the body. More than 2 hours tends to be high, from what I've read. I'll link to the articles when I have the energy.

Second problem: Heart rate. Okay, my resting heart rate tends to be high anyway (and I'm getting officially tested for POTS soon, but a few medical practitioners have told me they've seen it when reading my pulse), but this is a bit absurd. During the first two weeks of my menstrual cycle my lowest heart rate of the night tends to be in the upper 60's to low 70's, with average in the 70's, sometimes low 80's. My lowest last night was 86 BPM. Average was 95 BPM. Highest was just below 110 (I wish it would give an exact number.) My body managed to lower my resting heart rate during sleep, but it still stayed too high. And I took pills that should calm my heart rate down - I did need herbs to fall asleep last night.

Third problem: My heart rate variability is super LOW. The higher the number, the better off you are. In my Oura Ring user group many people are reporting that they are generally in the 70's - 90's for average HRV. I have never been above 30 for as long as I've been recording, but 11!? My body was clearly very stressed.

The ring also showed me that my average respiration rate was 18.0, which is high, but I'm usually that high. And it told me that my body temp dropped half a degree Celsius last night, but my body temp is different every night. My temp is up and down and all over the place.


To compare, here's a couple more average nights when I wasn't feeling abnormally terrible:


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H1-ljVIHp1_0d0Ay58z0qUjQkC8yI5LIcA/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KChhS7TcjuJ5GWrrGPXEU8rTp4xMiCgX4w/view?usp=sharing

Something to keep in mind with REM: it's not restful. It's called Rapid Eye Movement because the body is working to repair and reset during that time. The more you need, the more your body is trying to repair. That's how it was explained to me. So when I have these nights with high REM, even though I got 9 hours of sleep, it was not restful sleep. If I can at least get and hour of deep sleep I do okay, regardless of REM. So I'm exhausted. I couldn't bring myself out of bed until 11 am. I just wanted to lay there. But eventually I started to shiver and I realized I needed food really badly, so I forced myself up.

Beef Bacon is amazing, by the way. I'm sick of turkey bacon (had it too often), and I can't have pork. I actually hate pork, so I don't mind not being able to have it. But a local grass-fed (mostly) beef company makes beef bacon with just beef and sea salt. It's amazing. So incredibly delicious. 

Current Favorite Products

I've been updating this post as I think of things to add to it, and I may continue to update it. These are my current favorite products!

Lauren Brooke Cosmetiques

The whole entire brand. I've written about natural and organic make up before, including Lauren Brooke lip colors (I never finished that post because... fatigue and sickness making me not look camera ready), Mineral Fusion, and MyChelle. MyChelle no longer makes make up. I don't understand why, because they had this awesome foundation cream stick that I loved, but the company decided to focus on skin care instead of cosmetics. Such a disappointment. I switched to Mineral Fusion pressed powder foundation. I like it a lot, but I find it's a bit dry and I broke out to their liquid foundation. I learned that Mineral Fusion is not 100% trustworthy and only some of their products are safe, but the safe products are excellent and I highly recommend. I decided to finally try Lauren Brooke's pressed powder. I'm never going back. It's the bomb! It's not drying, applies really smoothly and evenly, and has this radiance to it that Mineral Fusion didn't give me. I don't feel it on my skin. It looks so natural and feels so natural, but covers the perfect amount and warms up my skin tone nicely. It also neutralizes my undereye bags without concealer! It doesn't hide them like concealer, but it masks the purple color so it looks like I'm not wearing make up or trying to hide them.

I just purchased two new items from them (as in minutes ago, have not arrived yet.) One is their lash conditioner. They sent me a sample of it last time I ordered. I never really thought I wanted a lash conditioner until I tried it, but the sample of it convinced me. It helped tone down my itching and my lashes did act stronger - as in, not falling out at the normal rate. What I would actually like from regular use of it is to regrow lashes. I have a "bald patch" in my lashes that drives me nuts. This conditioner has horsetail in it, and from my understanding, horsetail is the only herb known to create new hair growth (as opposed to helping the hair you already have grow more.)

The other new item I just bought is their creme concealer. I have an issue with eye shadows creasing on me - all brands, doesn't seem to matter if it's powder or liquid. Reviewers said this concealer mixes really well with eye shadow and prevents the creasing. I'm going to test this out and see if it's true! As it is, I tend to wear very light amounts of eye shadow so that when it ends up creasing it's not as obvious. I want to be able to rock a normal layer of eye shadow for hours!

I'm wearing Lauren Brooke Cool 20 Pressed Powder Foundation in this photo (along with Honeybee Garden eye liner, and Mineral Fusion mascara and blush.) I took this on a day when I was feeling badly and tried to get ready for work, so I did my make up, but wasn't strong enough to actually work. I never expected to use the photo, lol, but you can see how it makes my skin look natural with a glow. My chest skin was more pale than normal. I love it!






Biokleen Laundry Powder and Oxygen Bleach Plus

This has been a miracle worker for me! I use the Premium Plus one because it doesn't have corn products in it like the Fragrance Free one does (I'm allergic to corn.) I can use the Fragrance Free liquid from them, but I prefer this powder. It has Zeolite and hydrogen peroxide in it, both of which are excellent ingredients for KILLING perfumes and other fragrances. I might have to wash 2-3 times to get rid of badly contaminated clothing, but the majority of the time one wash is enough to completely remove any trace amounts of fragrances that stick to my clothes. It's awesome!!! It also cleans really well and keeps whites very white. This is the lowest effort most effective laundry product I've ever used.

The oxygen bleach is on the same page I link to. It's like Oxyclean, only with trustworthy ingredients. I use this in toilet tanks and to soak my bath tub with. The toilets have less grime and my tub that is stained a bit brown from using Redmond's Bath Salt Plus turned white. With no scrubbing. :D


This handmade turtle from a Fair Trade store in Minneapolis
...that was on clearance for $4 and I finally found a small succulent for.





Sierra Trading Post

Their website. It's part of the TJMaxx chain of stores, but is for outdoor and recreation enthusiasts. They sell a good variety of organic clothing and eco products. It may not be GOTS certified sweatshop free organic clothing, which is my preference, but I only work 12-16 hours a week. I can't afford my standard unless it's on clearance. I have a small variety of GOTS certified sweat shop clothing in my closet, but it was all purchased on good sales. When I need some article of clothing and I can't find what I need on sale elsewhere, going simply for organic cotton from Sierra Trading Post is amazingly helpful. It's all liquidation, so their selection is constantly changing, but their prices are fantastic. I've bought both organic clothing (brands like Prana, Patagonia, United By Blue, and Adventura) and natural leather with rubber shoes from them at huge savings. I can't rely on them to have what I need, but I've scored great deals from them. And it's excellent for men too! The focus on organic clothing is on women, but they actually have a good variety for men!

The only problem? Their return policy. You'll have to pay to return, which can make returns not worth it on some items. But their prices and discounts make up for it. Just make friends who will buy items that don't fit you.

Choice Mental Focus Tea and Choice Vanilla Roobios Tea

I drink a ton of tea. I can only drink water and tea, no juices or coffee or sodas. I'm limited in which teas I can drink due to medicinal properties of some teas and herbs, but thankfully both of these work for me. I use caffeine sparingly and I plan out when to drink it. I'm sensitive to it, so I have to be careful. Both of these are caffeine free, but work great in the day time! The Mental Focus tea is awesome when I'm wanting to lift brain fog without using caffeine. It really does help! The Vanilla Roobios tea just has this silky smooth dark flavor, and I love dark green and black tea. It's my caffeine-free dark flavor replacement. Sooooooo good!



GoWise USA Blood Pressure Monitor

I have blood pressure issues. I haven't written much about it yet, but I appear to have POTS (doctor tested). POTS is a heart rate issue, but in my case it's a blood pressure issue too. I'll get into this someday when I'm ready to write about the things stressing me out again, lol. Anyway, I bought this last year to monitor myself so I could learn when I was fighting low blood pressure instead of having another issue, like hypoglycemia. It has been really insightful. This monitor uses an arm cuff, which is much more accurate than the write monitors. It's not perfect because it's a machine, which uses averages to calculate. My doctor measures my blood pressure manually and spends a lot more time measuring it to be accurate and see how it fluctuates. This machine won't show fluctuations. But for an at home tool it actually is accurate enough to be helpful. I didn't get excited about it last year because it didn't ever seem to be accurate, but it was my fault. I was measuring incorrectly. I fixed my posture and arm position, which made all the difference in the world!

It does measure heart rate too. I think a normal person could trust the heart rate reading on it, but it doesn't read long enough for someone like me. My heart rate jumps all over the place within seconds. I think it give me an average, like Fitbit does (I'll get into why Fitbit is the wrong tool for people with POTS later.) But what it does tell me is when my resting heart rate is simply too high. Mine is often in the 80's, sometimes in the 90's. That's really not good.






This Shark Vacuum

Vacuuming has always been an issue for me. I get allergy issues if I don't vacuum, but I get allergy issues if I do. It's because the vacuum we had before just kicked up dust and only collected part of it. My husband came to me and said he wanted to get me a better vacuum, but didn't want to get it for me for a holiday or birthday because he didn't want to imply that I'm just an objectified house maid. lol! So he got it for us "for Memorial Day." Ha! He was teasing, because I'm not sensitive about such things, but I enjoyed the laugh.

Anyway, this vacuum sucks! It actually sucks hard without kicking dust up into the air! It has 2 more amps (power) than the last vacuum, and it has a HEPA filter built in to prevent any dust from leaving through the exhaust. It's not only collecting a lot more from our carpet, it's allowing me to vacuum as much as I want without even needing to wear my face mask! All the other features are wonderful on it too, but the fact alone that the suction is powerful and it has a HEPA filter is enough to make me fall in love with it. If you need an allergy friendly vacuum, I highly recommend this one!



This was after a quick vacuum around the upstairs to try out the new vacuum. I had just vacuumed the week prior with the old vacuum. Clearly the old vacuum wasn't picking up very much...



Om Pure Air mask

I've been using Vog Mask, but suddenly I couldn't find their organic cotton version anywhere for sale. My old 2 from them are too worn out and they're not refreshing in the sun. It's hard to breathe through them. So I was forced to find an alternative to buy. I bought this mask, and despite it taking 4 weeks to ship to me, I actually like it better than Vog Mask. It's easier to breathe through it, it fits my face better and seals better, and it's more effective. I think they have a better carbon filter than Vog Mask uses. I'll want to write a full review on this later, so stay tuned for that.





Hemp Organic Life Etsy store

This shop is awesome. All the products are made from organic hemp and linen, and they are high quality. I bought an organic hemp sleeping bag from her to use when I need to travel and sleep in beds that aren't my safe organic latex bed. I bought it as a barrier between me and the bed so I wouldn't have skin contact, at the very least, with the flame retardants, polyester, and other synthetics. I'll review this sleeping bag after traveling with it later this summer, so stay tuned for that, but snuggling with it at home is wonderful! It breathes so well, but also traps in enough body heat to keep me comfortable. The fabric is strong. It's mildly scratchy the same way wool is, but it's softening up with washing. I actually really like that slightly rough texture, I think it feels good on my skin. Anyway, she did a fantastic job with this sleeping bag. She's from the Ukraine, so shipping almost made me cry, but it was so incredibly worth it! You can see how comfortable it is:



She also sent me a free gift of these linen socks, which are so perfect. They're very breathable, but keep me warm. They feel cozy on my skin. These are the best free gift I've received with an order!






Redmond's new Tooth Powder in Black Licorice

So... normally I'm an advocate of making your own toothpaste from scratch in order to save money and save plastic. It's really easy to make with bentonite clay and charcoal. But in this case, Redmond made theirs better than the DIY version. How, you ask? By making it very powdery. It's so much finer than any toothpowder I've made from scratch, and therefore it feels so much softer on the teeth. It brushes better and is much easier to rinse out of my mouth. But the best part? The black licorice flavor. It's awesome. It's so good. I accidently bought the peppermint version and I don't care for the flavor of it.

Also, for those of you who really don't want to do DIY, this is a great option, even though it's in plastic, because the tooth powder lasts about 3x longer than their Earthpaste in the tubes.



Avocado Oil Spray

I'm not sure I have to justify why this is a favorite thing of mine. It's a super healthy fat in spray form without aerosol. I just spray it on salads and it's perfectly evenly distributed on the leafs. I spray it on chicken before it goes on the grill and it means I don't have to massage the chicken with oily hands to get a nice thin coating of oil on it.



Badger Face Oil Set:

Organic oils in a glass pump bottle - they're perfect! I don't react to any of the sets except the Argan oil one, which has orange essential oil in it. I don't do well with citrus oils. They're so gentle, take off make up way better than just coconut oil, and moisturize very well. I wear the face oil under my make up and it doesn't leave me greasy whatsoever. I can't say enough good about this set! My skin looks much more supple with regular use.



Vitamin C and Glutathione IVs (and my Mom.)

I had two of these on my last trip to see my doctor. They made me really nauseous and gave me some nasty headaches. I wanted to throw up, but was made very thirsty from them at the same time. I felt like a trillion micro explosions were happening in my body all at once. Why do I like them so much, then? Because they seriously help a lot after my body calms down from receiving the IV. Better energy, better mood, much less severe reactions to things, better digestion, clearer head and clearer thinking, less overall body pain... they're helpful! But the effect doesn't last long enough. I need to have them done regularly.



Dr. Bronner's Baby Mild Soap

This soap is fragrance free, doesn't dry out my skin, is organic and doesn't irritate my skin, and is very travel friendly. I accidently left my container of it in the bathroom where my Chiropractor and Acupuncturist are. As you can see that building stocks heavily scented soaps - it's hard for me to use their bathroom and I need to slip on my mask to go in there (it's a shared building and they don't choose the soap.) My container was mostly full when I left it there, and exactly a week later it was only a quarter full. People were choosing my fragrance free soap over the fake scented cancer causing soap! That gave me a lot of hope for humanity, lol.

I buy the large 32 oz container of it and keep refilling this little one. I keep this small container in my purse so that I have safe soap with me in public.






Wokamon App

I got myself the cheap Fitbit Flex 2 because AT&T was having a special on them. I wish I had researched fitness trackers before impulsively getting it. At the time I didn't think I wanted to spend more for a heart rate monitor, and I was wasn't wrong to think that since Fitbit's heart rate monitoring isn't detailed enough for people with POTS, but some monitoring would be nice. It also doesn't have a GPS, so I can't map my walks with it. I was mostly interested in the sleep tracking feature, but as it turns out, it's not accurate. I think it's sleeping when I'm laying in bed with my eyes open wondering when I'll ever finally drift off to sleep.

But it's not all a disappointment! I know I can't challenge myself to do more exercise with it in my condition, but it's actually been helpful to see how much walking I do on a normal work day vs normal non-work day. I can see how active I really am when I tell my doctor how much exercise I think I'm getting.

The best part? Wokamon and Achievemint, two apps that are weirdly motivating.

Wokamon is the modern day smart phone Tomagachi, lol! You must take care of your monsters by leveling them up with steps from your fitness tracker. When it tells me I only need 156 more steps to level up, I actually want to get up and get those steps in, even when I'm feeling lazy and tired. I am too motivated by reward systems in video games. :) But hey, it's fun and it's working! I might only average 3,000 steps a day (so I can't compete), but my monsters are leveling up!

Achievemint pays you for using a fitness tracker. You can earn up to $10 a month for all the activity you do with your fitness tracker. It's going to end up being more like $10 every 6 months at the rate I earn points, but hey, I'll take the $10 when I finally earn it!




30% Grain White Vinegar

This stuff works amazingly for killing weeds. It burns weeds, but leaves the roots. After the weed shrivels up you'll have to spray again to burn the roots. The fact of the matter is that it's non-toxic and highly effective! That said, it does burn the skin. Cover your skin when applying!

It IS made from corn, but it's non-GMO corn. The company doesn't verify if the corn was sprayed with Round Up or not, but they do claim the corn is non-GMO and Round Up is mainly used on GMOs. It's also just the acid from the corn, so it doesn't seem to cause me allergic issues (I'm allergic to corn.) I'm not consuming it, just spraying it on weeds.


These reusable organic cotton produce bags

I've been using these for years now, but they're still one of my favorite things. They are fantastic for buying fresh produce with because they weigh nothing, they're breathable, and they keep produce fresh and clean. They wash very easily.

But I discovered a new use for them! They're perfect for washing bras in and other delicates in! Instead of a nylon mesh bag designed for bras, I just stick my bra in one of these, tie the top loosely, and throw it in the washer and dryer. My bras are coming out cleaner than when I used the nylon mesh bag, and I'm guessing the cotton allows more soap through. These bags make my life so much easier!


Alaffia Bubble Bath

This bubble bath is by far the best Alaffia product. It bubbles really well, the bubbles last a long time, it's effective soap, and it's great for washing hair with! I like to mix Starwick Botanical's Kelp powder, baking soda (to neutralize chlorine), and this bubble bath together. I'll wash my hair in the bathwater and soak in it for a while. Then I'll even shave my legs in the bathwater. The bubble bath stays soapy enough to keep my legs lubricated enough to shave with. I rinse in the shower after, of course. I don't particularly care for this brand's shampoo or conditioner (I loved them at first, then it started leaving residue in my hair that wouldn't wash out), but this bubble bath couldn't be better!


Mantra Sports Pilates Ring

I had to let this off gas for a while before I could use it - it's not safe right out of the box for MCS people like myself. But after it stopped being smelly I was able to play with it. The reason I like it is because it allows me to use my muscles even when I'm stuck in bed on my back. I just put it between my legs and squeeze. I put it between my ankles and lift it with my legs. I hold it in my hands and squeeze it and pull it apart. The simple resistance it offers helps me a lot when my muscles feel restless but I'm not feeling strong enough to stand up and walk around. There are probably other great similar products, but this is the one I chose and I really like it!



My acupressure mat - I still love this thing so much!!



....And more. I'm forgetting plenty of things I want to share with you, I'm sure of it, but I've been working on this post slowly all day. I'm done. :) I've leaving out obvious things I've already reviewed, such as my new organic latex bed, which I can't say enough good about! Seriously, your bed matters. A lot.

Adrenal Fatigue Test Results

I wasn't planning to take a long break from blogging, especially since I have two two drafts for posts started that I need to finish. I've just had a really rough year so far.

My adrenals are so bad. I knew it, but I didn't have specifics. I really needed an official adrenal test done, so I bought a Diagnostechs 4 point cortisol and DHEA test when it was on sale for $120.

To test how my body is actually functioning on its own I had to go without supplements for 2 weeks so that nothing that affects cortisol would affect my test results. I only made it 3 days before I felt extremely sick without my supplements. I couldn't tolerate it. So I went a head and did the test on the 3rd day. Want to see my results? (Click on the picture to view full size if you're struggling to read it.)


I'm very low, very low, low, slightly high. According to Stop The Thyroid Madness, cortisol should be at the top of the range in the morning, upper part of the range at noon, middle of range in the afternoon, and at the absolute bottom at night.

The problem with this test is that I turned out to be abnormally exhausted - I actually fell asleep that night without herbs. That's normally impossible for me. I know that my cortisol is usually too high at night between what my doctor has told me and how I feel, but here it's only slightly high.

My DHEA is also very low. I thought I was getting measured in the morning and afternoon, but they only measured my afternoon value. If they measured it in the morning, and if their afternoon "normal" range didn't go so low (normal doesn't necessarily mean well or optimal in labs), the chart would show me in box 8. I'm so close to box 8 as it is.

No, I refuse to take DHEA supplements. They might make me feel good while on them, but they will ruin my body's ability to make its own DHEA. It will mess me up in the long term. It also can convert into extra estrogen, which I do not want. Not worth it!

Stop the Thyroid Madness has a great page explaining the stages of adrenal fatigue. According to this I'm probably in about stage 5, despite my DHEA being so low. I have A LOT of healing left to do, but I'm better than I was 3 years ago. I was bedridden then!

The hardest part about taking this test was trying to recover from 3 days without supplements. It took me about 3 weeks to stabilize again. I was miserable, dropping everything, fighting insomnia, not able to form energy during the day, getting rashes and stomach aches, fighting brain fog... it was not easy. Acupuncture helped the most to calm me back down.

Life has also been really stressful! One of coritsol's jobs is to eat up adrenaline so that adrenaline doesn't do damage. I don't have enough cortisol, so I create adrenaline too easily and can't control it. This is why I have very little tolerance for stress: stress causes adrenaline that I can't control, and the adrenaline physically hurts. This week I had to work every day of the week (co-worker had the flu, so I was covering) when I normally only work 3-4 days a week, my husband needed to prepare for a business trip that required some complicated planning, and I had to file taxes. I had really bad insomnia the night before last, which left me very fried. I say "fried" because I seriously felt like I had electricity flowing through me. Totally frazzled! Last night I did sleep, but woke up at 5 am with the feeling of electric currents flowing through me again. The only way for me to sleep well again is to have a few days without any stress so my body can stabilize.

Adrenal fatigue is no joke! I have to manage it very carefully every day. I have to take extra adrenal supplements during stressful times, so I must be very in-tune with my body.

When I am very adrenal, normally mornings, I feel very tired with jello-like muscles, wired and on high alert, shaky so I drop things all the time, very clumsy, low blood pressure with high heart rate, hypoglycemic if I haven't taken care of myself to avoid low blood sugar, unable to take a deep satisfying breath, paranoid and anxious, irritated and extremely focused on one thing or unable to focus on anything, angry, and unable to escape danger. This list fits me really well:





As you can see, this isn't easy. It's very difficult to manage adrenal fatigue, and it's stressful to keep up with what I need to do to manage it.

What do I do to treat? Well what I have been doing has obviously been working since I've improved in the last 3 years, but it's working very slowly. I'm also worried I'm regressing. I would like to improve my protocol, but I'm not sure what is right for me. I simply just need to see my doctor in person. What I am doing is taking adrenal cortex (which adds coritisol to the body), high dose of vitamin b5, a few herbs like cordyceps, and licorice root (I have low blood pressure so I'm able to take licorice root.) I also have to avoid stress and caffeine like they're poison. I didn't work for a year and a half, and that's when I did my best healing. Since working for the last 2 years (even at 12-15 hours a week) I've stopped making progress, and I've had to drink some caffeine to make it through shifts. I also have to address my high night cortisol by taking tons of relaxing herbs to literally overpower my adrenals (I take about 12-15 pills a night.)

A support group with nurses and "experts" told me my cortisol is so low I should go on hydrocortisone, which would mean adding actual cortisol to my body. I know this works well for many patients, but it's not without risk. It also has to be prescribed, and I don't have insurance. They said if I continue to treat with adrenal cortex I'll need to raise my dose substantially - they said I'm not taking nearly enough to make a difference. That will get expensive. I don't know if they're right or not, but I do know that I need to change something so I can make progress while working. Quitting my job is not an option (unless someone would like to pay me to stay at home, but even then I'm good friends with my co-workers and enjoy the social aspect, which is important.)

I'm stressing myself out just writing this post! It's too much to deal with.

So I know there's a few posts that I've promised to write. Please be patient with me. I'm having a rough time. I expect that once spring arrives and I can go for walks outside again that I'll start to feel better. This has been a really rough stressful winter (36" of snow within two consecutive weekends!)

And, if you get time, please read this post written by a doctor with chronic illness: https://themighty.com/2017/02/doctor-with-chronic-illness-things-to-know/

Results of New Supplements and Going Off All Supplements

I've had a rough month. Winter is never easy for me, but I chose to do some experimenting despite winter. I want to record some of what I've learned here.

1. Lithium Orotate

My doctor suggested I try this based on my gene data (23andMe.com). Lithium Carbonate has been traditionally used to treat bipolar disorder, but I've been taking Lithium Orotate. The difference is that carbonate isn't stable and a person has to take over 1,000 mg of it at a time to absorb enough to make a difference. Orotate, on the other hand, is highly absorbable and can be taken in small doses. I'm taking 5 mg a day.

For the first couple of weeks it made me feel a bit high - giddy, could laugh really easily, smiled for no reason at all, and had pleasant dreams. That effect wore off and I went back to "normal," except that I've noticed I haven't had nearly as many dark, depressing, lethargic, and apathetic thoughts. I originally started on inositol powder to help with my mood and energy. It did make a mild positive difference, but the lithium has done more.

I have also had regular large, deep, painful cystic acne since starting the lithium. I thought it was from taking the liver glandular, thinking it was detoxing me through my skin, but the problem has continued. I then learned from someone else that lithium gave them the same kind of acne. I'm now trying to decide if the better mood from lithium is worth this painful large acne.


2. Selenium

My doctor also suggested I try selenium for the same reason as trying lithium. Low selenium contributes to thyroid disorders, and my thyroid is disordered. I started and stopped the selenium twice. The first time I tried it turned me into a total zombie: very lightheaded and weak, dizzy, and unable to focus. I developed these symptoms immediately. A few weeks later I tried it again. It took 2 weeks before I developed the same symptoms. It gave me vertigo so strong that at times I couldn't walk in a straight line. So I stopped taking it. I didn't notice any other effect or benefit.

They say that the soil here in North Dakota is rich in selenium. I eat mostly locally grown organic foods, so I'm hoping this simply means that I'm getting enough regularly through my diet.

3. 4-point Saliva Cortisol Test/ Going off all supplements for 2 1/2 days.

I am very likely going to write a post on the results and preparation process when I get them. This is about the results of quitting all supplements for 2 1/2 days in order to do the test. I joined an adrenal fatigue support group on facebook based on the book Stop The Thyroid Madness. They say that it's very important to be off all supplements for 2 full weeks before doing the cortisol test, because you have to get all adaptions and other things that affect cortisol levels totally out of your body to see how your body does without support. I couldn't handle being off my supplements for 2 1/2 days, so I went ahead and did the test. I understand that some people think this will ruin the test results, but I honestly do not think it is safe for me to be off supplements any longer.

What happened?

- My blood sugar plummeted. With supplements it stays between 95-115 most of the time. Off supplements (I measured about once an hour for 2 days) I was staying between 72-98, most of the time I was in the 80's. I start to get symptomatic of hypoglycemia when I'm below 90, but below 80 I can't function. I was hypoglycemic a lot in the last 2 1/2 days. I did not change my diet of eating protein every 2 hours. (Keeping in mind that the adrenal glands do heavily affect blood sugar, and I stopped supporting my adrenals.) This morning (now that I can go back on my supplements) I did a test. My blood sugar was 84 when I got up, then after a protein shake including licorice (which affects the adrenals) it shot up to 124!!! That's a huge difference very quickly! I'm looking forward to going back on my pancreas glandular with chromium, which really helps keep my blood sugar stable.

- Heavy menstrual bleeding just 2 weeks into my cycle. My diva cup was full, and it was very dark and clotted.

- Blood pressure got wonky. I didn't see it ever dip below 95/58, which isn't much lower than I occasionally get even when on my supplements, but my pulse pressure narrowed by about 10 points on average. Pulse pressure is the distance between systolic and diastolic, and a healthy pulse pressure is about 40. My pulse pressure was often 25-30, but I had one reading of it at 55. This isn't stable for me. I'm generally around 30-40 when on supplements, even if my overall blood pressure is on the low end.

- Disturbed sleep. I couldn't take any sleeping aids for 2 nights, which was torture. Both nights it took hours of just laying there to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted from work. Once I got to sleep I found myself waking up every couple of hours. Small sounds in the house would also wake me up. I wouldn't feel rested during the day. Last night, after finishing the coritosl test, I took my sleep pills. They normally take about hour to kick in, but they made my whole body tingle and shut down within about 10 minutes. I felt like I was fighting sleep, but after shutting the light off and trying to sleep I couldn't fall asleep for probably an hour. Once I did fall asleep I stayed asleep, thankfully.

- Couldn't find joy in doing anything, even things I liked. The first day wasn't so bad, but the second day (yesterday) was awful. Everything felt like work, most things annoyed me, and nothing was enjoyable to do. I was apathetic, but worse than that, I felt emotionally muted.

- Poor memory. I found it hard to recall information, remember how and when something happened, and found it hard to retain the instructions I was reading over and over. After only 2 1/2 days without supplements! This shows how sensitive my body is.

- Poor vision and balance. A big part of this was being hypoglycemic, but even when my blood sugar was in the 90's I would have sensations of the floor moving below me, me swaying when I was not, and objects in the distance vibrating when they were not.

- Joint aches, but surprisingly no fibromyalgia. I was feeling very inflammed.

- Digestion plugged up. I gained about 5 pounds in bloat in the last 2 days, and my IBS is acting up. I did actually take my digestive enzymes to help, but they didn't help much. I was having regular bowel movements, but staying bloated and food wouldn't move through me well.

- Intense fatigue, but not constantly. I was able to work for the first 1/2 day and the second full day without supplements, but I was dragging and "flight mode" was kicking in a lot when I was encountering minor problems. At times it took willpower to lift my legs to walk. Yesterday I had trouble getting up and moving at times, but had weird spurts of jittery energy in which I was able to run up and downstairs to do laundry.


What did I learn from all this? That my supplements really are doing me good! I was able to write this post because I'm finally able to drink a cup of green tea, which tastes like heaven right now. My adrenal glands still have A LOT of healing to do, even after 3 years of trying to repair them. I don't need the test results to feel this, but I'm very curious about how my results will look.

Latex Mattress Review Part 2: The Bed and Bedding Review (Updated!)

If you read part one of my review on my new latex mattress, you will have learned the need for choosing a natural non-toxic mattress. I encourage you to at least skim that post before reading this view, because this review is based on my need for a natural bed.In this review I'll cover 4 bedding items I bought from Sleep On Mattress: The Pillow, Foundation, Mattress, and Mattress Pad. In the upcoming Part 3 I'll discuss other pillows, sheets, and blankets. Bedding should not be as complicated as it, but because it is, this review deserves 3 parts to cover it all!

The Pillow: Malouf Convoluted Contour Latex Pillow
(Click the link to see the pillow on the company's website)
Yep, the name is a mouthful, as my husband was quick to point out, but bear with me! After too many dollars and too much neck pain from buying several different pillows online, I decided to try something novel: going into an actual store and trying out pillows before I bought them! The problem is that I can't step foot into most stores without getting sick. Thankfully for me, Sleep On Mattress is a store in Bismarck, ND, where I live, that caters to people like me. They offer natural synthetic-free bedding, and they're located in a mall that isn't heavily scented (like most malls are - I normally would never dare step foot into a mall.) I learned about them because they advertised their organic latex beds through the health products store I work at, Terry's Health Products. Amazingly, the very first contoured latex pillow I tried in the store ended up being a winner! It's a Malouf pillow, but done right (I tried others of this brand first, which I'll get into in Part 3.) It is made from natural talalay latex in a polyester case, so I removed the polyester case and replaced it with an organic cotton zippered case:

I love this pillow. So. Much. One side has a higher loft than the other and it's contoured, so it supports my neck if I'm on my back or side and it doesn't put too much pressure on my ears. It's soft and supportive without being hard and firm, meaning that it keeps my head at the right height and angle all night, whereas other latex pillows I tried let my head sink down to the mattress or didn't let my head sink in at all.

The latex on the pillow falls apart very easily, and that is my only complaint. It needs to be treated gently. Sorry folks, this will not work in a pillow fight. In simply switching out the cases I lost lots of small chunks of latex. You can see in the photo that some of the points are missing. I haven't had any problems with losing latex since then, and it hasn't affected how comfortable and supportive the pillow has been for me.


The FoundationI do not have a brand name on this foundation, my apologies. This was the hardest part of purchasing the new bed. Let me back up a bit. My husband was willing to try a new mattress if it meant improving my health, but he did not want to lose the frame we already owned. It's an upholstered queen size frame with a built-in head board that looks very nice. I also like it, so I agreed we could keep it (even though it's all synthetic and probably has plenty of flame retardants, it's old enough where it has off-gassed, the mattress doesn't actually touch the frame at any point, and we hardly ever lean up against it.) That meant we needed to buy a traditional foundation to support the mattress, because the frame is meant to hold a foundation.

(Latex and Memory Foam mattresses cannot use a box spring. They need to be supported by a foundation with no more than 3-4" between each slat. The mattress will wear out too quickly on the wrong type of foundation or on a box spring, because they'll allow the mattress to sink in when it should never sink in at any point.)

I looked into a couple of different options: a Savvy Rest Insert without any synthetic material concerns (sold by Sleep On Mattress), a much cheaper basic wooden foundation with a removable synthetic cover that had flame retardants (I don't have a brand name on this) (also sold by Sleep On Mattress), and a solid wooden Amish foundation that was on sale on Amazon.com. If money were not a barrier, I would have chosen the Savvy Rest Insert without question. It really was the right choice for us, but our finances said otherwise. The basic affordable wooden foundation with the removable cover made me a bit nervous - did the wood absorb some of the flame retardants? For someone without MCS it would have been a great option. The Amish foundation on Amazon looked like it would fit my needs very well, but there were just enough reviews cautioning me against buying it. Then we were presented with a new option: Sleep On Mattress had one metal and wood collapsible foundation for sale. The price was right at $130, it appeared to be right for our needs, and it was easy to transport because of the collapsible frame. My husband chose to go with it. Sleep On Mattress does not normally carry it, but I bet they can order it for you if you're interested.

The foundation has been working just fine, but if I were to make the decision over again, I probably would have tried to convince my husband to get the Savvy Rest Insert instead.


Setting this foundation up was not at all as easy as it was supposed to be. This photo shows the foundation after we opened it up from the collapsed form. We then attempted to put the two horizontal support bars on. The idea is that the end of the bars go into holes - they should slide right in. The reality is that the fit was very tight and they required a cloth and a hammer to force in.



Then we inserted the wooden boards across the top. The ends of the boards have plastic caps with two little pegs in them. The pegs go into holes in the metal frame to support the boards. 3 of these pegs were broken off. The construction was fairy poor on these pegs, and I wouldn't be surprised if most of them break off in tearing down the foundation - if we ever do that.





We then put an old sheet over the top of it as the cover. It came with a synthetic flame retardant infested cover, but the cover came separately so we simply didn't put it on.

Even though the wooden slats are flexible and look thin, the foundation has worked well. It is supporting our 150 lb latex mattress.

...But it's also a bit squeaky. This was my greatest concern when buying a metal foundation, and it proved to be a bit of an issue. The squeaking is only on my side of the bed, and I only hear it when I get in and out of bed. Thankfully it never squeaks once I'm already on the mattress. A wooden foundation can squeak too, but squeaky metal tends to be higher pitched and it echos through the rest of the foundation.


The Mattress: Sleep On Mattress's own Latex Mattress

The mattress we chose to go with is Sleep On Mattress's own brand of a 9" Dunlop Latex mattress with an organic cotton and wool casing. The wool is the fireproofing that brings it up to industry standard, so they didn't have to add synthetic flame retardants. They have it manufactured for their own store. They explained to me that they were searching for a natural latex mattress comparable to Savvy Rest (an organic latex mattress company that's top tier), but with a lower price tag. Making their own ended up being the most economical, and the mattress is therefore more affordable than the Savvy Rest. It is normally $2,000 for the queen size, but in exchange for this review I was given a reduced price. If you are interested in this mattress, but are not from Bismarck, don't despair! They will ship!

I was told that they are in the process of making different models of their own store brand of latex mattress, some with gel and foam added in, and with different heights. So if the mattress we bought from them doesn't sound right for you, ask about their other models. The owners are interested in working with you to find what you need instead of pushing their agenda on you. They'll help you find what you need, and they do understand the issues between natural and synthetic mattresses!

When we purchased the mattress I expected this review was going to be very easy to write. I expected within a week I'd be able to write all about it with ease, but that hasn't been the case. 3 weeks later and we're still trying to make a decision on the mattress! This isn't a bad thing, and I'll explain:

First and foremost, is the mattress solving my MCS problem? Was it worth purchasing a natural mattress to better my health? YES! On the old memory foam mattress I regularly fought a rising heart rate every night I went to bed, and if I couldn't fall asleep before my heart rate skyrocketed, I'd be doomed to toss and turn and take even more herbal sleeping pills to try to knock myself out. I regularly had stress dreams and nightmares. I would often feel high anxiety as I was trying to fall asleep and again when I woke up. I experienced more fibromyaliga pain in that bed than anywhere else. I also had more skin rashes when I slept in that bed.

I haven't had a single nightmare or stress dream since sleeping on this new latex mattress. I have not experienced the skyrocketing heart rate on most nights (but I had the problem on a few nights after a food reaction or being in a public place where I was reacting.) I'm waking up feeling peaceful, not on high alert. The fibromyaliga pain has been greatly reduced, and I'm feeling it more after eating the wrong foods and not so much in bed. My skin rashes are reduced, but not gone (but there are other causes, such as the mycotoxins in my body.) Yes, I feel SO MUCH BETTER on this mattress, and my sleep is higher quality.

Secondly, is it comfortable? Yes... The floor model of this mattress was softer than the one we received. The floor model was about right for us, in that it was firm enough to give support, but comfortably soft around pressure points. My hips and shoulder sank in the right amount. The mattress we received was definitely more firm. It didn't let our pressure points sink in much, and my husband and I both woke up stiff and sore for the first week. The longer we sleep on it, however, the softer it gets. We've had it for 3 weeks and both of us are less stiff and sore, and I'm feeling my hips and shoulders sink in further. At first we were seriously discussing buying a topper to soften it up. Sleep On Mattress offers a soft dunlop latex topper in 2" or 3" that is of the same quality as the mattress itself. We chose not to purchase the topper because the mattress continued to soften up. It's still not as soft as the store model. I went back into the store and tried it out and I could immediately feel the difference. It is, however, finally feeling comfortable for me. If my husband decides it needs a topper then we'll go with a 2", not 3", because we both like a slightly firm mattress. 3" would probably soften it up too much. All we would want from the topper is softer pressure points.  (Update: we bought the 3" topper, and it's so so so so much better than expected: please see my review of it below.) If you're the type of person who needs a firm, but comfortable and cozy, this mattress will probably be perfect for you. It's not nearly as firm at the floor, thankfully, but if you feel best sleeping on the floor then you're probably not shopping for a mattress anyway.

One adjustment I had to make to reduce my shoulder pain on the new mattress was lift my pillow up a bit. I'm a side sleeper, so a little more loft was all it took. I did this by adding a homemade organic cotton pillow under my latex pillow. I made it a while back to try to add loft to other pillows I was trying to make work for me, but that failed because the pillows I was trying to make work were simply wrong for me. I made the pillow very flat, so it only adds about half an inch, but that was enough in this case. I'm noticing that as the mattress softens up with use the pillow is starting to feel a little unnecessarily high, so it might continue to soften up enough that I no longer need to use the second pillow.

Third, how easy was it to set up? Well, let me be clear: this is a 150 lb mattress that comes compressed and rolled up into a tube. It's not easy to transport due to the weight and awkward length. Once it's unrolled, it's like trying to move a queen sized piece of Jello that weighs 150 lbs. Once the mattress is set up, leave it set up. Don't plan to move it. My husband and I were able to carry it out of my truck, up the stairs, down the hallway, and into the bedroom. By "carry" I mean slide on the carpet as much as possible. We were able to unroll it, get a full encasement allergy cover on it, and then get it in place on the bed. Nether of us are that strong. Neither of us want to do it again. But it was well worth it, and we quickly forgot about the hassle after a few nights of sleeping on it. And if setting it up yourself really bothers you, have the guys at the store do it for you. ;)

It came in an awkward box:



It was plastic wrapped to keep it rolled up and compressed:




Removing the plastic made it quickly decompress and unroll, before we could control the process. First thing we did was slide this allergy protector on it, which was the biggest pain of all. I'll explain which allergy cover I got in Part 3. We had to lift the mattress and pull up the cover an inch at a time, which was very tedious and difficult. I forgot to get a photo of the mattress before the cover was put on, so I pulled back the cover for this photo so that you can see the organic cotton and wool casing. Notice how the mattress falls like jello off the end of the foundation to the floor:

Set up and made our bed (forgive all the clutter, we had to push our stuff out of the way to set up this bed). As you can see, it's thinner than most mattresses. Our former mattress was 12" thick, and this is 9" thick. Big difference! We're closer to the floor, we don't have to jump up onto the bed to sit on it, and best of all, we're not stretching out our sheets! We have deep mattress sheets, but even they would come untucked on our old mattress. Our blankets hang further off the sides of this bed, which means we no longer have cold air attacking our legs in the middle of the night!

Final verdict (which I will update in another few weeks to see if it softens up more):

The mattress was worth it! While I would prefer it to be a bit softer, it is comfortable now that it's had time to soften up. I love that we have the option to add a latex topper of the same quality if we choose to soften it up more. The latex feels better than the memory foam in that I can adjust my sleeping position on it easily, whereas the memory foam mattress wrapped around my shape a bit too much to make it easy to move. I love that I'm getting better, deeper, more restful sleep on it! I'm not reacting to the mattress at all, so my body can actually relax at night!

If you're intrigued by all the benefits of this mattress, but the firmness worries you a bit, Sleep On Mattress does sell other latex mattress options. They carry a Talalay line that has some synthetics, but is mostly natural. They also carry the top-of-the-line Savvy Rest mattresses, which are certified organic latex mattresses. They had a couple options in the store to try in this line, and they have different feels. Again, this store is awesome because they will work with you. And they do ship! You don't have to live in Bismarck to buy from them!

UPDATE 12/22/16 - Latex Topper:The mattress continued to soften up and my body began to adjust to it. I actually found it to be comfortable and would have been happy with it as it was. My husband, however, still found it to be too firm, so we ordered the 3" soft topper. He decided against the 2" because he wanted to make sure we bought the best topper and not take a chance on a thinner model that might not have been enough for him.

I'm being sincere when I say that the mattresses was comfortable before the topper. But I'm also being sincere when I say that the topper is an AMAZING addition! I was worried it was going to soften it up too much, but this latex is amazing in that it softened it up a lot for my husband (who is obviously heavier than I am) and didn't soften it up much for me. The topper is very supportive, but lets pressure points sink in easily. I was worried about losing support by going softer, but I didn't lose any support while gaining pressure point relief! I stated in the original post that I needed to prop up my pillow so that my shoulder wasn't squished on the original mattress. I do not need to prop it up now. This topper lets my shoulder sink in the perfect amount and my head rests perfectly on the pillow. My husband went to the chiropractor, finally, and got rid of his back pain (for now - he needs go to regularly.) So he can say for sure that this mattresses and topper is not giving him back pain. He's sleeping very well, waking up feeling good (not stiff and achy like on the mattress before the topper), and is actually starting to compliment the bed!

This topper is normally about $400. Don't fear the price tag: it's worth it. Remember that latex can last 15-20 years if you take care of it. Most mattresses only last about 5-8 before you really should look into replacing them. So investing an additional $400 into a bed that is safe, healthy, won't make you sick, very supportive and comfortable, and very long-lasting is an excellent deal.

The ONLY thing I'm a bit sad about it is that we now have a 12" mattress + topper. Many of you might think this is better - it all comes down to preference. My husband likes the height better. For me it just makes it a tiny bit more challenging to put my sheets on. They are now a snug fit. I'm only 5'5", so I have to jump up a bit to crawl into bed.

I, of course, have photos to share:

It came in a much less awkward box. They were able to fold the topper in half before compressing it and rolling it up, so the box was actually very manageable. I could carry it up the stairs into the bedroom myself.


I was able to unroll it on the bed because because it wasn't awkward, unlike the mattress. The mattress was difficult to set up, but this was very easy.


It unrolled folded in half. What you can see in this photo (which I forget to get a good photo of for the mattress itself) is the organic cotton cover. This is the exact same cover (and type of latex) as the mattress has.



It does add some height, as you can see. You can also see how much padding it gives in order to soften up the mattress. Thinner versions are available (they're also cheaper), but I think it's good to see what the full size looks like when making a decision.

  (Sorry, excuse all my pill bottles in the background. I meant to clean up the bedroom before taking photos, but I only had enough energy to set up the topper.)



The Savvy Rest Cotton Mattress Pad:

I didn't purchase this with the mattress. I understood the benefits of it, but I thought the allergen cover might be enough for my needs. What changed my mind was reading up on how to care for a latex mattress, and I kept seeing that body sweat and heat can slowly deteriorate latex over time. I want this mattress to last me as long as possible (I've read 15-20 years when cared for correctly,) and I decided that I really don't want to have to wash the allergen any more often than necessary because it is such a pain to get on. The mattress pad is very easy to take off and wash, and it will collect any body fluids that get through the sheets. What really put me over the edge and made me buy the pad is when someone told me that they had a latex mattresses that molded. This really confused me, because latex is naturally mold resistant, and that was one of my biggest reasons for choosing latex over another natural mattress. She was not using a mattress pad. I wouldn't be surprised if the latex wasn't molding, but body fluid that got into the mattress was molding. She had mold toxicity in the past, and mycotoxins do sweat out of out of people with mold in their bodies. Either way, this made me decide to buy the topper. I do have a mycotoxin issue in my body, and I don't want mold to grow in my new safe mattress.

The topper is very nice: it's 100% undyed organic cotton with a stitching pattern to keep it from bunching. It is made slightly over sized so that it has room to shrink after washing. I washed mine in cold water with plant-based non-toxic detergent, and then I dried it by draping it over two dining room chairs and placing my air purifier under it. The air purifier creates quite the breeze on the high setting. Even after washing it properly, it did shrink to exactly the same size as the mattress. So that wasn't a problem, and it was very easy to care for.

I thought it might add a soft layer to the mattress, but it did not. At first it actually made the mattress more firm, but that was because I tied it too tight. After loosening the grip of the ties the mattress felt the same as it did without the pad.





Thank you for reading my review! Comment with any questions, and I'll be happy to answer them. You can look forward to Part 3, which will be on the bedding (blankets, sheets, etc) in a week or so. Let me get past Thanksgiving first. :) (Update - that might come after Christmas. This month is too stressful for me!)

Thank you so very much to Robert and Mike at Sleep On Mattress for this amazingly healthy mattress and for your wonderful high quality service! I've really enjoyed working with you both, and I cannot recommend your store enough!