Day by day by day by day...

Oh to be me.

What is a like to be a 31 year old woman with chronic illness? Here are some snippets from my life lately:

Today I went to my local food co-op because the fridge was getting to be too empty. I felt tired, worn down, but thought I could handle a 40 minute round trip out of the house. I get the store, start shopping, the next thing I know I can't stand up in one spot without starting to see the blackness forming on the peripherals of my vision. My legs started to shake and tingle. I decided there was no sense in sitting down on the floor of the store, so I decided to just keep walking. That worked. I learned I could make it as long as I kept moving, so I couldn't stop to look at products, just had to grab as I walked by. I made about 3 laps around the store to shop this way. And guess what? They were completely out of the few things I needed most! A normal person might shrug it off and go to a different store before heading home. Me? My energy was spent. Had to go home without what I needed.

...That's a big reason why I shop online as much as I do. Except that I never received one of 3 boxes from my Vitacost order. I need to sort that out, but do I really have to put the energy into it? Seriously? Why can't it just sort itself out like magic and let me just sit here zoning out?

The cashier asked me how I was doing. I bluntly, with no tact or thought, said, "Not good, I didn't sleep last night." She asked if I was stressed and I said, "No, I just have a chronic illness and it decided to flare last night." She didn't have much else to say to me after that. lol. Poor cashier.

Why didn't I sleep last night? Oh, because PMS decided to start, and I was in full bitch mode. At 2 am. I wasn't upset about anything, nothing to be angry at. No person was irritating me. My mood just decided to be as aggressive and irritable as possible, which kept me up, tossing and turning. Then when I was sleeping here and there my dreams were very aggressive. I dreamed about my friend who attempted to commit suicide several months ago, which woke me up because I felt stressed out about it. I never really recovered from her telling me she failed her attempt.

I woke up to throbbing shoulder muscles, shooting and pins and needles pains in my legs, and adrenaline pounding through me.

And I realized how this is pretty much how every day goes for me, but it's so much worse during the winter. I'm never really sure if I'll sleep. I'm never really sure if I'll feel decently. I'm never really sure if I'll have the energy to be able to hold a conversation. I'm never really sure if my depression will let me actually care about what someone is telling me. I just have to figure out what I need to do with myself, moment by moment.

So what's the problem? Well I found a ton of mold growing on my new windows, for starters. Winter condensation that freezes when it's below zero outside causes it.  The outside temperature went from -6 degrees to 47 degrees within a day, and we all know how the barometric pressure messes me up. We did just shampoo the downstairs carpets with Biokleen shampoo, which I didn't react to while doing it, but later got a mild version the hives around my eyes that citrus essential oils tends to give me. Plus we disturbed all that dirt in the house. I also went to church. Perfume! And then my monthly cycle just hit the worst phase... and I've been spotting, so who knows, maybe I'm anemic or something. I seem to be very prone to Blood Deficiency.

You see, I just can't win, especially not in the winter. When I feel decently it's purely by chance.



So...

If I spent my entire day playing video games on my phone, so what? At least I'm engaging with people there. At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if progress in that game doesn't affect my real life in any way. At least I'm mentally stimulated rather than just rotting away watching TV. I can't just watch TV, I need to be engaged with something, and video games work perfectly when I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm often pretty bad at the game because I don't have the mental energy to think through what I'm doing, but it is what it is.

I will work at my job, do chores, and contribute to society when I'm capable. I have days when I'm just not capable. A lot of days. I'm not lazy. It's not an addiction to video games. I just can't function normally. Believe me, I'd much rather be raising children, own my own business, going out with friends, working towards buying our own house. I have to deal with these desires every day. If I were lazy, I wouldn't want to be living my life fully. I'd be happy to just settle in to a fun addiction rather than working on progressing in life.

So let me leave you with this article about environmental toxicants causing depression, pain, and chronic fatigue.

Mental Health Part 2

I won't apologize for my last post in which I worried some of you. Thank you to those of you who reached out and expressed concern. I believe the post was important to write because I needed to express how much I was suffering. The way my illnesses affect my mental health is important to solving my illnesses, and hopefully helps others make sense of their illnesses.

Last month I flew out to see my doctor again. It was a long overdue much needed appointment. I believe the therapies I had done in the clinic stirred up some toxins in my body, which probably contributed to that bought of severe depression I just went through. It certainly made a difference in my body - I can feel less of a toxic body burden weighing me down. But I did stir up toxicity nonetheless.

I'm doing better again. Anxiety attacks have calmed down, and the brain fog has lifted enough that I no longer am stuck in depression. I don't know if it's due to my body calming down after the therapies, or perhaps it's because the sun finally came out. Suddenly, literally over night, the temps went from 60's to 90's. It's been in the 90's all week. The sun feels AMAZING. What's interesting about that is that my lab test results came back, and it said my vitamin D level is at 88. 88!!! It's taken 3 years to raise my level to where it's almost supposed to be (I should be in the 90's according to my doctor.) 3 years of 15,000iu a day!! The reason the sun helps me so much must not be the vitamin D it gives me. It must be something else. I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and winter is like a slow mild poison to my mental health. Mix that with stirring up toxins in my body and it's a disaster.

But there's also the other elephant in the room: stress! Stress is constant. Stress prevents recovery and rest. Stress makes me spend energy I don't have, wearing me out further. Stress puts my body into depression. The worse my adrenals, the worse my mental health. I lose the ability to spend energy on thinking. Memory recall, planning, dreaming/brainstorming, problem solving, learning... yep, it all shuts down. The more stressed I am, the less brain power I have. Stress is pure poison to me, and I get so frustrated and angry when people don't respect this fact. When people give me more problems, tasks to accomplish, or worries to worry about it actually makes my brain work less well and diminishes my ability to do what they tell me to do. The anger at others not understanding this problem stresses me further. I shut down. I ignore problems and tasks. It's fight or flight, but flight is the only option because there's no energy to fight. I simply cannot tolerate stress. Yes, I really do need to live in a bubble, and people don't understand this need either. Give me enough time to rest in my bubble and my body will recharge and I'll have energy to spend on working through stress again. But I'm burn out mode. I have NOTHING to give. So naturally, my husband wanting me to look for lodging that will work for me so we can go on a 10 year anniversary trip... sigh, stress.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to me and told me I can talk about my depression with you. It's very kind of you, and I need to know I have that kind of love and support in my life. This might sound backwards to you, but this is the truth: There's nothing to talk about. It's not a depression due to problems. It's a depression due to lack of energy and brain power. So talking would make it worse. It would use up energy I need to rest with. I know that some types of depression are solved with friend therapy and support from others, but mine is the type that requires me to be alone. I'm not entering further into the darkness through isolation. I'm letting myself recharge. Once a phone's battery is down to 10%, trying to use it only drains the battery faster, and the only solution is to stop using it and plug it in. I'm that phone at 10%. Well, I was. I'm probably at 25 % now. I'm no longer in "battery saving mode," but I'm on the verge of it. Let me charge more. :)

I know there's a lot to update you all on in this blog. I need to finish my mattress part 3 post, write about the new organic hemp sleeping bag I bought, talk about my new lab results, and go into a blood pressure and heart rate issue I have. I want to talk about some other product reviews too. I'll probably write about it all eventually, if I'm up to it. I can't take the pressure, so if it happens it happens. I only write in this blog when I need the therapy that comes from writing, so bear with me. :)

Autumn Update

I have so much I could share on this blog, but I've been completely exhausted! Autumn has settled in and it's messing with my sleep, making my bones ache, causing me inflammation all over, and giving me anxiety. I've had to work harder than I'm used to over the past couple of weeks between my actual job, traveling to Minnesota, and work that has to be done at home. Yesterday my body rebelled and told me to stop. I was so exhausted that even eating took too much energy, and I got a fever while eating each meal, followed by some unpleasant time in the bathroom. My body didn't want to spend any energy on digestion. Eating was so draining that I was feeling very faint and had to lay down for a few hours twice.

I'm finding that every autumn I get MUCH worse very suddenly, like hitting a brick wall. While my friends are celebrating the pumpkin spice, all of the colors on the trees, their new fall boots to pair with their leggings, all the festivals, and the cozy hot autumn drinks, I find myself a lot more anxious than normal and in chronic pain again. I'm finding that I'm more argumentative and direct with people, when I actually had a relatively good summer with lots of joking and laughing. My whole mood and personality changes. It's the only seasonal change I'm hyper sensitive to. Winter is actually easier on me, despite the intense negative temperatures that are normal here in North Dakota, but I do feel much more depressed and low than I do during Spring and Summer. I'm clearly living in the wrong state.

I do want to share a few quick things, and they're not necessarily related:

1. This one is for people with mold toxicity, the rest of you can skip reading this one. I'm learning that I need to clean my toilet bowl much more often. After months of trying to decide if this is what's going on, I've determined it has to be the cause: my urine is full of mycotoxins, and I believe the mycotoxins are why mold grows in my toilet bowl so quickly and easily. The toilet hasn't flushed well in the past couple of years, often times I have to flush twice. I think it doesn't flush everything down, which leaves mycotoxins floating in the bowl all night. If any of you have also experienced this, please leave me a comment!

2. I decided to try the Julian Bakery Paleo Bars. The ingredients appear to be safe for me, and a bar that I can actually eat is amazing for travel. It's very appealing. The problem is that even though the sugar content is very low and they use stevia, these spike my blood sugar like nothing else. My blood sugar went from 98 to 160 after eating one of these! I felt awful! This bar doesn't always give me that bad of a spike, but the fact that it can do this is scary. Also, even though it uses chocolate extract I still get a sulfur reaction from these. I can't tolerate sulfur foods, and chocolate is high in sulfur. The taste is actually kind of addictive, which is the problem for me and why I've had more than one. I tried one of the egg white protein bars and it was disgusting - horrible! It had the texture of Laffy Taffy, where I kept chewing and chewing and chewing and it wouldn't break down, and that whole time I was chewing a nasty sour flavor. Not good. I do not recommend.

3. I wish I could love Epic Bars. They're doing a fantastic job at bringing correctly-raised and nutritionally good quality meat to the market. They're using a variety of animals, everything from beef, chicken, and pork to salmon, venison, and wild boar. The problem is that everyone single one of their bars has either fruit, pork products, or too much black pepper. I can't eat sugar in any form, not even fruit. I can't eat pork. I can't tolerate much black pepper. I was at Whole Foods a few weeks ago and found their new Venison bars. The only problem was that it was black pepper flavored, but I decided to give it a try anyway. A little bit of black pepper every once in a while isn't bad for me. Well, the bars are about half meat and half black pepper. I can see people really enjoying the bar, but wow, that was major black pepper overkill for me! I did eat the whole case of them that I bought, but slowly and only when I felt strong enough to handle it. They're tasty! But what it means is that there is still no single Epic Bar that I can eat, despite them being a grass-fed and pasture raised meat brand. Frustrating!

4. Eating a Whole Foods salad for breakfast for a few days in a row really doesn't work well for me. So many raw vegetables, and the meat isn't anything special. It's also turkey, which can make me tired. My poor body doesn't like raw vegetables. :(





I hope to post more soon!

Allergic to Winter?

Let me start by saying I won't complain. Other bloggers who blog about health problems tend to complain a lot, especially about winter pain, but I will not. Okay... maybe just one quick complaint, just to get it out of the way: "Winter is so cruel to me!!!!" I'm done! No more complaints!

Winter.

Winter had never been a major issue for me before last year. At the worst, it was cold, gave me bloody noses, and had a tenancy to bring on a fever or cold. Anyone who lives in a climate that snows goes through these normal winter woes. Winter was also fun for me, though. Once upon a time, I loved to sled, build snow forts, have snow ball fights, and make snow angels (I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records with a group of us that all made a snow angel on the Capitol lawn at the same time - we were photographed making the most snow angels at one time in history.) I even went snow boarding a few times and loved it! Living in Idaho, Oregon, and North Dakota always meant access to snow every winter.

So what happened? Well, 2012 was the first time winter brought physical pain and suffering with it. This was the first winter after moving from Idaho to North Dakota. Keep in mind that North Dakota's winters are horrid, whereas winter in Boise, ID (valley in southern Idaho) were fairly mild because it was in a desert. Most of Idaho's famous snow is in the mountains and up north. Boise got some snow, but rarely got below 20º F. Bismarck, ND gets more snow than is manageable and often gets below 0º. I have experienced -46º F here (actual - not windchill!) The year before last, we got 2 feet of snow in one day in April. It was impossible to drive to work, so they were forced to give a snow day (snow days don't normally exist in ND because everyone here is so used to snow.) My point is that North Dakota is a harsh, rough, dangerous place to live in the winter. There is a reason why North Dakotans that receive special honors are called, "Rough Riders," (other than the involvement of Theodore Roosevelt, of course.) If I were to develop inflammation, arthritis, and firbomyalgia problems anywhere in the country, North Dakota is not the best place.

Having winter pain last year made sense. I was just diagnosed with firbomyalgia, and the arthritis in my wrist was reconfirmed. It made sense that winter caused my bones to ache horribly, muscles to cramp harshly, and joints to swell and throb. I always felt the coming storms in my bones, because I would start to get inflamed and ache as the barometric pressure, temperature, and humidity levels changed. I was 25-26 years old, and I was experiencing what "old people" experience. I'm not stereotyping here - most people think that only "old people" get arthritis, which is their sixth sense - the one that predicts the weather.

But... this winter has been pretty similar. I'm a little surprised! Over the past year I've reduced my inflammation substantially. I rid my body of firbomyalgia pain (it's been 8-9 months since experiencing a firbo flare.) Arthritis hasn't been an issue (though in the past two months my wrist has been acting up, but mainly due to a poorly located ganglion as well as too much repetitive motion- I think.) So really, is there any reason why winter would still hurt my body the way it did last year? Evidently, yes. There is some reason, because I can still predict the weather with my bones this winter. The pain is half as bad as it was last year, at least, and the pain generally only affects me in the morning. Most days for the past week and half, since the cold weather settled in and the first snow fall came, I've been waking up very stiff with throbbing, aching, tender bones and muscles. I'm also starting to wake up fatigued again. Not tired, fatigued. I do feel like I've slept enough, but I also feel too little energy to move my aching body out of bed. Once I do get up, move around, take my morning supplements, cook and eat breakfast, drink a hot cup of tea, and move around some more the pain tends to subside. This process tends to take until noon - sometimes 1 or 2 in the afternoon, though. In the past few days, the worst I've felt in the afternoon has been pressure on my muscles. It's as though someone is poking me with their finger as hard as they can in one spot, usually on my shins. The pain goes away on its own after a while, but I'm not sure what's causing it or how to prevent it.

The biggest problem, in my opinion, about winter is the light. This is possibly a S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or an MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity) issue - or both! Thankfully, North Dakota winters are actually pretty sunny. There are no mountains here, so the wind is constantly blowing, which keeps the sky clear when it isn't snowing. The problem, however, is that the days are short. I'm able to light most of my house with only sunlight until about 4-5 pm, and then I need artificial light of some sort. For whatever reason, artificial light really bothers me. A lot! I can put up with it in bathrooms. I can deal with the ceiling light in the bedroom for the short time I need it. I can even put up with the light in the kitchen, as irritating as it is, for the couple hours I usually need it the evenings. What I can't deal with is the light in my home office. All of the lights I'm referring to are incandescent, NOT florescent. They are the "safe" lights that shouldn't affect people with MCS, right? We do have a couple florescent lights in our home, such as in our entry way, but I hardly spend any time there so I don't notice how they affect me. Anyway, the office ceiling light is very grating on me. I hate it. It causes me to feel like I'm in an artificial work place prison, where the fake light is too bright and causes my mood to plummet and my will to work to diminish. It's possible that the problem is that the light bulbs are too high of a wattage. It's also possible that the type of light they emit is poor quality (maybe the kelvins - color temperature - are too low?) It's also possible that I have an aversion to light bulbs and the office lights bother me the most because I spend most of my time in the office with natural sun light, not the ceiling light. Regardless of the problem, I'm about to run an experiment. I ordered full spectrum light bulbs (highest kevlin light) from Amazon, and once they arrive I plan to install them and see if I tolerate the ceiling light in the evening. The thing is... and those of you with MCS may think I'm crazy for this... I ordered a florescent version. Yes, the kind with mercury. The kind that tend to cause MCS reactions. I, personally, have yet to confirm that fluorescent cause problems for me. I believe they're terrible for the planet, and I'm pretty fearful of the mercury content in them, but sometimes I just gotta do what I gotta do, right? The reason I chose these bulbs wasn't because they're fluorescent. It was because they had the highest rating at the most affordable price. ;) If, however, I have an adverse reaction to them, I'll buy the full spectrum incandescent ones, which are way more expensive. (I ordered these ones: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0089MIH8I/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

I have yet to get a work-out in today. I think shoveling the fresh layer of snow is going to count for it today.