Fresh Start, New Venture! Introducing: Kindling Health

Full Transparency: I joined my first affiliate program to start monetizing on what products I recommend. Why? Don't I have a real job? Not anymore and not yet - I just moved! I'd love it if you all use my links to buy products if you're genuinely interested in using them! I'm not doing this to waste your money! Besides, the whole point of this blog is that my energy levels are far too low to live like healthy people do. I do need to find ways to make ends meet, and I really do enjoy selling and promoting products that fit my values and needs. Thanks for your support in advance! 

Let me catch you all up. It's super EXCITING!! 

I just moved from North Dakota to South Carolina!!! Heck YES! My husband finished his doctoral degree and was able to land his first full-time associate professor job here. He no longer needs to work adjunct for several universities at a time! I'm so proud of him for making his dreams come true! It was all very good timing, as we needed to find a new home to live in anyway.

I really do love where I live!

This move is wonderful for so many reasons, but it does mean I need to start over. I need a new job, new doctors, new acupuncturist, and a new chiropractor. But... there are SO MANY opportunities and options here! I'll write a different post about the transition, how the weather has affected me, etc. Just know that, although North Dakota treated me very well, South Carolina might be the place where I can manage my health best. After the 2nd worst winter on record in North Dakota (by a 1/4 inch of snow), it was definitely time to find a warmer place. And you know what? Starting over can be extremely healthy! It's invigorating! 

The Peachoid, made famous in House of Cards on Netflix, is the monument of my new city.

I'm honestly really sad about leaving my job in Bismarck, ND (I worked for Terry's Health Products - TerrysHP.com, a locally owned health products store.) I loved what I did there: technically selling natural products, but for me it was about helping people in need know what to buy to alleviate their symptoms or improve their health. I loved learning about herbs, supplements, ingredients, health conditions, environmental concerns, and how to make the world a better place. I loved educating our customers too! In the last year I was promoted to running the social media accounts, which I really enjoyed a lot! So I've been thinking... why not continue that work on my own? There is no natural products store in the small town I moved to, although there are two 30 minutes away from me. That's too far to drive in my condition. But with your support I can promote and sell through my own personal brand! ;) 

I took this before my last shift at my job. It was hard to admit it was the last day!

The owner wrote this really sweet post about me leaving... it left me in tears. I didn't want to quit and leave behind my "family" there, but I'm happy to be in South Carolina now. 

Right now I just have this blog. I'm just beginning this journey. I'll start building TikTok, Insta, and Facebook accounts soon. But I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED to share products and ways to save money on high-end organic clothing with you all!! My brain is spinning with ideas! 

Short-term goals: Just focus on promoting what I already use to help me manage my health. Tools, foods, clothes, supplements, apps, etc. I have high standards and am strict about quality and ingredients, and I want all my thoughtful consideration of each product to help you make easier decisions on what to buy. I hope to build up my base this way, but also I want time to build up my accounts as slowly as I need to. My health is not exactly stable at this point, after the stress of the move and being without acupuncture. 

Long-term goals: I'd love to earn enough from this venture to be able to buy products I'm interested in, but don't necessarily need or I can't afford, and then test and review them for you all. We really do need people trying out products with big claims and then reviewing them. Social Media is full of products with potential, but are untested. And I'd like to help my husband save up enough money to buy a house. And, ultimately, I want to not need to apply for disability in South Carolina. 

My weaknesses and hurdles: I have very limited energy, and every day looks different. I have times when I feel capable, and times when I don't. I understand that consistency is a critical part of success doing affiliate marking. My mental health can be very sour at times - I can go to very dark places easily. However... I can promote what works for me during these rough times. Am I stuck in bed all day? I'll record video of what I use to help me manage it. Am I angry and depressed? I'll record myself in that state and show you how I lift myself back up. My weaknesses are weaknesses so many people have, so instead of putting on a professional/ fake influencer demeanor, I'll be super real with you all. I want to be the real thing in the internet sea of fakeness. 

You might be wondering why an introverted person with chronic fatigue and pain wants to do a SOCIAL venture like this. Because there are too many people who suffer with similar health complaints and they don't know what to buy to help. So many people want advice, but can't afford the right kind of doctors. I've poured a lot time, money, and effort into educating myself. I have worked in the natural industry for a little over 8 years. I've worked with natural doctors who have taught me an incredible amount. I cannot and will not replace doctors (please get help!), but I can give advice on what to buy. The market is over-saturated with products full of claims, greenwashing, and hidden problems. I feel that I'm the right person to help people with chronic illnesses weed this stuff out. I enjoy this kind of work, and it's even better because I live my life this way. I use these products, I think about this stuff every day, and I feel passionately about helping educate people on better ways to survive this toxic world and find ways to heal. 

This venture isn't really about me. I need to feel like my work is helpful to people, so I intend for it to satisfy my need to be helpful and build a healthier world, but this venture is about those who need guidance and direction to manage their health. I genuinely care, and I need my work to be about what I care about. 

That being the case, I really want your feedback and input! I'll be super forthcoming: I'm terrible at replying quickly. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I really can't find the strength to think. I do read everything though. So please do leave comments with your ideas! 


And as for my first promotion...

This post was fueled by:

Four Sigmatic Protect (formerly called Defend). I have been drinking this every morning in my matcha since the pandemic started. I have trouble tolerating some herbs that boost the immune system, probably because I'm auto-immune, but this has never caused me problems. It's a fact that I never had Covid, but is it because I've been drinking this? Who knows!? Ha! But what I can say is that this mushroom blend wakes up my brain and clears the darkness away. It makes it easier for me to start connecting with the world around me in my mornings. Caffeine can help me move and warm up, but it doesn't always get my brain to connect with reality. 

There are many mushroom brands to choose from these days, but the reason I choose Four Sigmatic is because they organically grow their mushrooms on logs and only use the fruiting bodies, not mycelium. This is very important because we can measure the nutrition in the fruiting bodies, but mycelium is not a good source of nutrition. Other brands grow in moldy conditions, on food sources like oats (which I cannot eat), and may not use the fruiting bodies. Not only that, but mushrooms are an environmental sponge, so if they're not grown organically in proper conditions they can be full of contaminants you don't want in your body. If you're interested, read more about their process here. 

Thanks so much everyone!! Let's make this world a healthier place together! 

Fitness and Conditioning

I wish I could go to a gym and work out for an hour. I often day dream about lifting weights like I used to. I loved the feeling of being sore and tight in my muscles, feeling a natural tiredness from actually using my body well. I loved seeing muscles forming on my arms and legs. I loved shaping my body by staying toned. It felt really good. Now when I look at women in great shape it's a little hard for me. I'm really happy for them, but it makes me want to join them at the gym and get back into shape.

I really do my best to work out, but it's really challenging with chronic illness, and often ineffective or harmful. Let me break this down:

- Fatigue. I often have the mental willpower to sit at the machine and start pumping weights, so I'll go for it. And then I can't even finish a set before I run out of energy. This isn't a de-conditioning issue. If it was then my diet, supplements, and regular practice with the weights would mean I could do more every time. If it's de-conditioning, then I can actually improve. No, this is a problem of my body deflating with every pump of the weights until I have nothing left to stand up with. Every time I try I can do a different amount of weight lifting until the fatigue wins. No, it's not a de-conditioning issue, because if it was, I would be able to consistently do more with practice.

- Pain. I don't mean the normal wear and tear on muscles from working out. You know, the "it hurts so good!" pain that I love to feel. I mean joints on fire. I mean feeling ripping in my ovary from pushing or stretching. I mean chest pain from my HR going really high after just a minute of working hard. I mean throbbing in my head from blood not knowing how to circulate correctly while I'm working out. I mean an abnormal constriction in my neck and shoulder muscles that makes them super tight and in pain for a day or two after, like a cramp that doesn't want to be massaged out.

- Post Exertional Malaise. This is the fatigue that is the result of spending energy. For a healthy person, they might experience it for an hour or two after. They can still get stuff done if they have to, but they'll be tired and lose some motivation and focus. Their body needs to recover and they'll be fine. In my case, and the case of many people with various chronic illnesses, it's much worse. When I spend the limit of my energy or more than I have, it might take a day or two of recovery time to get back to my normal fatigued self. This means a lot more time in bed with brain fog, jello for muscles, disrupted metabolism and bathroom needs, mood issues, high heart rate with a sore achy chest, inflammation and swelling, and an inability to properly care for myself. When this is a normal response from my body, how am I supposed to work out regularly and have the ability to get stuff done? Like, having energy left to spend at my job? I have to pick and choose where my energy goes, as if my energy is money in my bank and the balance is always low.


So I do my best. What can I do?

- Walks. I feel the best results from going on walks, but the distance I can go depends greatly on how I'm feeling. 1 mile is my typical cut off point, but I have been able to go 2 miles on good days. Walking is the least taxing and most gentle way for me to move. I can move longer before my body gives out. The problem is that I live in North Dakota, so I can't be outside for half the year without a lot of weather gear on. Treadmill? I'm not getting a gym membership just to walk on the treadmill near stinky perfume-ridden people. I'm so reactive to perfume that I'll have to leave from feeling sick before I get much benefit from the gym. I've already gone this route with a YMCA membership. I also spend too much energy just getting to the gym. I'd rather just buy a treadmill for at home, but they're expensive!

- Stretching. I was in ballet and gymnastics for my entire childhood. I learned great stretches that I've continued to do my whole life. Stretching actually drains my energy rapidly. I can feel my battery depleting as I do it. But I feel like it gives me the most benefits with the least work.

- Doing short quick sets with lighter weights. I have a weight machine at home that I use, and if I do a little bit of everything over 3 to 4 minutes I can manage. It's not enough to build muscle or tone, but it allows me to use my muscles before triggering too many problems. I can feel my arms tightening up, but I can't find the energy to do enough to make them burn from building muscle.

- Tai Chi... to a certain point. I can't keep my arms lifted up long enough to stay in the poses. I like it because it works me out a lot with little effort, and it keeps me calm in the process. It isn't adrenaline-inducing. But it's physically taxing and I normally cannot make it through a sesson.

- Working on my feet for 4 hour shifts, 3 days a week. To me, going to work is my work out. I spend 3/4ths (or more) of my weekly energy at my job. I'm on my feet walking around, carrying stuff, cleaning, talking, squatting down and standing up, and just plain moving. Work leaves me feeling worn out and exhausted. I have had many many shifts where my heart physically hurts by the end. I almost always have post exertional malaise from shifts, so I'm often scheduled with a day or two between my shifts.


I want to make a special point to say that Yoga is not helpful. Why? I have POTS. Positional changes can be hard for me. Every time I try Yoga I get super dizzy, sometimes it gives me vertigo. It doesn't keep me stable while using my body.


The problem is that I still spend the majority of my time sitting or laying on my butt. It's not by choice, but by necessity. So I have a big flabby butt. The rest of my body doesn't reveal my lack of exercise that much, but my butt screams "I sit and lay too much!" I don't like it.

And that leads me to my next related issue: Clothes.

Notice how fitness and yoga clothes are the norm for women these days? Even jeans are skinny to show off our figures. Now, think of yourself as someone with chemical sensitivities that is reactive to synthetic fabrics, so you can only wear natural fibers and dyes without issues. Okay, now I want you to go shopping. Look for organic and natural clothing companies: Tasc Performance, Pact, Adventura, Synergy Organic, Toad and Co, Fisher's Finery, PrAna, Ten Tree, Groceries Apparel, Green Apple, LA Relaxed, etc. Find me some pants without added polyester that won't showcase how big my butt is. Please. And leave it in the comments when you find a pair. ;) Organic companies tend to make clothes for people who love fitness and have good bodies. Yes, they'll make sizes up to XL, but their pants (aka leggings) still tend to be tight. Almost all of these brands tailor their pants for women who do not have a curvy butt and wider hips. Maybe the problem is that I'm a size 8-10, I'm not overweight.

So I buy the pants and wear them, but I'm not happy about showing off just how out-of-shape my butt really is. I'd rather that my pants had enough thickness and structure to flatter my butt. But that's too much to ask, apparently. Carve Designs made a pair of jeans that fits my curvy figure and they're awesome, but I don't like the short inseam with the frizzy cut off bottoms. If they were full length pants I would hem them, but they're 29" - the perfect inseam length for me, so there's no room to hem.



I'm typing this post thinking about how badly I want to tone up. My mental energy wants me to go work out. My body is dizzy, feels like a brick, is sweating just sitting still in the cool air, with weak jello muscles, freezing icy cold toes, and keeps forgetting to breathe because it wants to stay still. I worked yesterday, and it was a physically demanding shift. Post exertional malaise.

Privilage and (Dis)Ability

This is a follow up to my last post.

There are several reasons why I'm careful and guarded about who I give my energy to, but one of the biggest reasons is that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I read people's energy, and it affects my own very quickly. This is dangerous for me because I don't have much energy to begin with. If someone is full of joy and positivity, it overwhelms me and makes me feel numb. If someone is full of resentment and anger, it spikes my adrenaline and makes me feel weak and worthless. If someone is full of melancholy, I feel a kindred spirit that I'm safe around because I'm not being met with expectations from them. I need to be around calm, relaxed, and laid back people to feel my best. People who are full of drive and determination, want to be too helpful, want to solve problems, want to vent and let off steam, or just want to have too much fun all overwhelm me. This doesn't mean I don't respect when people feel these ways. I am not asking you not to feel these ways, I simply need to guard myself from these feelings to protect myself.

If you know me personally, you might remember I used to be someone eager to analyze the problems of the world and try to come with explanations to understand them, maybe even come up with solutions to solve them. I wanted to talk about politics, religion, world events, and major news stories. I enjoyed thinking through world problems so much that I pursued a degree in Theology.

I can't be that person anymore. I am so overwhelmed with living day to day in my own skin, that I'm unlikely to have an empathetic and caring response to any world problem. You tell me children are dying every day from starvation in that country? I put up a wall immediately. If I choose to give care to this statement I'll be too sick to function. The emotions will exhaust me. You probably expect me to want to talk about how to solve this problem, and then appeal to my empathy and ask for my help in putting a plan into motion, or at least complain about the people who don't help. I can't do this. I can't feel my heart break for every suffering person in the world. It will cripple me. I need my energy to go towards standing upright, talking, digesting, doing chores, working my part time job, managing my pain, and staying on touch with the most important people in my life. If you ask me to spend my energy worrying about dying children that I have no ability to help, you're asking me to not have energy to take care of myself.

You want me to support Black Lives Matter, join the Me Too movement, join a political camp to either praise or hate on President Trump, become an activist for a controversial organization like Planned Parenthood (pro-abortion) or First Choice Clinic (anti-abortion), have a strong vocal opinion on vaccines, participate in Pride events like parades, stand on my Capitol steps protesting injustice with you...

You want me to be what you want me to be, a soldier in your activism army, and you're not listening to me. Yes, I live in the USA, the land of "tolerance," yet with extreme amounts of intolerance. I live in the land of having the privilege to be tolerant or intolerant. You want me to use my privilege to stand up for or against something. You want me to use my privilege to solve problems.

I can't.

And you're not listening to me.

I don't have the privilege of having energy to participate in the world. I wish I did. I have a whole lot of care deep in my heart and soul that I want to give.

I am not a cold-hearted closed-off person naturally. It's not my nature to ignore problems. I respect my body and soul's need to be calm and restful in order to live my life to the fullest I can in this condition. I am going against my own needs if I choose to get riled up over world problems. I need you to go solve those problems for me. I'm going to give my love, support, and respect to those of you who use your privilege, a.k.a ability, to go solve those problems.

Because that's the definition of privilege: Ability.

Do you remember my post on "Ableism"? It's just another term for privilege.

So in other words, I don't have the ability to spend energy on solving problems in the world.

I want you to stop viewing me, a white female college educated adult living in middle class USA, as a person of privilege and ability. I want you to start viewing me and people like me the way you view all the other minorities you're so concerned about. I am in a minority, one that is grossly mistreated: The sick and disabled.

Thankfully, there are activist organizations who are rallying the privileged/ people with ability to help people in my minority group. Next time you're looking for a world problem to solve, please consider helping those who don't have the ability to help themselves.

These are organizations related to illnesses I have. Please consider using your privileged energy to care about world problems on these organizations:

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Millions Missing

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)
Dysautonomia International

Endometriosis
Endometriosis Foundation of America

Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
Chemical Sensitivity Foundation 

I have wanted to write a post like this for a while, but I have worried about sounding like a fraud. I'm in a very good situation, considering I'm suffering from these illnesses. I have a good roof over my head, access to high quality food and water, husband and family who are very supportive, I am capable of working up to 12 hours a week (most of the time, I call in sick more than I like to), have been able to see really good doctors, and won my disability case. I have a lot more supporting me than the vast majority of people with chronic debilitating illnesses. I am extremely grateful, because I would still be 100% bedridden (if even alive) if not for all the privilege I have in my life to support me. I really want others with chronic debilitating illnesses that do not have this much support in their life to have more support so that they can be helped. This is my life goal now: finding help for the helpless in this minority group. These organizations make it possible. They help people who cannot win their disability cases despite being 100% unable to work, do not have family support, don't have roofs over their heads, do not have access to quality foods or water, cannot see doctors due to cost or accessibility, can't find a doctor to take them seriously and help them, and want to give up on life.

You want empathy from me? Give some to me and people like me too. I hope you understand why I'm too overwhelmed now. Thank you for listening.

Value of Life vs Medical Costs

I'm drinking Numi's Gunpowder Green Tea with Vital Protein's Coconut Collagen Creamer and Redmond Real Salt and doing some reflecting before heading to my post-operation appointment with my gynecologist.

What is the monetary value of quality of life for a person with chronic illness who lives in a first world country with access to excellent doctors? Is it worth paying $14,000 for a medical surgery that might give a ton of pain relief, may result in fewer sick days at work, possibly improve fertility, and has potential to make a person feel human again? $14,000 could buy a year of college, a good reliable car for the long-term, a down payment on a small starter home, or a new roof for your home that will last long-term. What if I told you this surgery might only benefit the person for a couple of years at a time? Is short term quality of life (that isn't guaranteed) worth $14,000, when that money could buy long term services or possessions that also give quality of life?

Yes, my laprascopic surgery for endometriosis and my cardiology visit added up to $14,000. That's before my uninsured discount and my cost-sharing program benefits. My next step, after I wake up and am thinking clearly enough, is to make some phone calls about this bill.

In 2 years I can give an answer to this question, because I've been told people with endometriosis can need surgery as often as every 2 years. It's too soon for me to say if it's benefited me at all yet, given the fact that I'm still healing and my period hasn't yet come. The problem is, I wasn't aware that I was gambling with this much money when I agreed to the surgery. I was told that surgery was around $2,000. That turned out to be true. What I wasn't told was that I would pay $750 for each of the 3 anesthesia treatments I needed during the surgery, $7,000 just to be in the operating room, and lots of other charges for the staff that helped me in different parts of the hospital. If I dug deeper I'm sure I'll find the charges for the multiple IVs I needed, the time I spent in the recovery room, etc. Had I known the cost before surgery, would I have opted to do it? Probably, yes. It's a gamble, a bigger one than I anticipated, but I believe one worth taking.

The older I get, the less confident I am. Endometriosis has definitely been holding me back from living my life. I didn't want to apply for certain jobs because I knew I couldn't get away with calling in sick for my period in that position. I have had to fight some bosses over my needs around my period for years, and this has lost me the chance to get scheduled for better shifts or in better positions. And due to all of my health issues, I've never been able to focus on a career. I'm 30 with a college degree and I'm still doing shift work. It's not below me. I have a lot of respect for us shift workers. I'm paid well, I like my job, I like my co-workers and boss. I'm not complaining. But if not for endometriosis and my other health issues, would I have a career going by now? And given the fact that I don't make a salary, am I worth a $14,000 surgery?

I received my GED at age 16, married at age 19, and graduated college at 20. I was set up so well for a life with a good career and children. 10 years later, none of that has happened. My husband and I are happy together, but we're both very stressed by money, careers, health issues, and living within our needs. His career is very difficult because it's facing budget cuts at every turn, and his Master's degree isn't enough, but a doctorate doesn't guarantee a job. So am I worth a $14,000 surgery when we have these huge struggles? Would I be financially better off not getting medical treatment at all, and therefore not working? I could save money by just being disabled at home, not contributing to the work force. But I would be miserable. Is being miserable financially smarter, and could it lead my husband to more happiness if he didn't have to work as hard to afford me, someone who can't work much?

Don't misinterpret this post -

I'm not degrading myself. I'm not putting myself down. I believe I made the right choice. If I were evaluating another person in my situation, I would say that we each only get one life to live and all life is equal. Everyone deserves to live life in the healthiest way they can so that they can participate in life the most fully. I might have self esteem and confidence issues, but I know my value is the same as any other person. I carefully considered the pros and cons of this surgery over years. I've talked to countless people who have had it done. I've discussed with multiple doctors. It was a carefully made decision.

But what upsets me isn't that I have to spend this kind of my money for my health, it's that many people simply cannot afford the surgery or treatment and have no choice but to suffer. Why do I get to have the surgery to help me when others might suffer worse than me and can't have the surgery? I accept that the medial system is the way it is in the USA - I am all for improving it, but I can't afford the stress to worry about it. So I'm not. It simply is what it is, and until something can be done to improve it, I just accept what it is. I'm thankful for the good the medical system can do me, and my doctors and all the staff and nurses were excellent and I really appreciate all they did for me. But in the end, what makes me special?

Just some of my thoughts, but I hope my experience helps some of you make the right decision for you. After this Post-Op appointment I'll write about the surgery experience itself. 

U2

On chronic illness support groups a common topic is music that helps people get through the difficulty with the illness. One of the most frequently mentioned artists for this is Lady Gaga. For me? I think it's obvious to anyone who knows me: U2.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm exhausted, just relaxing while the roast is baking. I'm listening to U2's new album, "Songs of Experience." As the song "Landlady" came on I had an epiphany. I was thinking through how many years U2's music has helped me stay strong, find reasons to be happy, learn to love myself better, and appreciate the people in my life. I started to wonder what it specifically that has touched me the most about their music. As Bono sang in "Landlady" about how much he truly respects and appreciates all his wife has done for him, it struck me. I love U2 so much because I'm very attracted to people who deeply love. Thinking through all my favorite people in my life, they've all been people who have a deep passion for something that makes people better. They have a true love and respect for humanity, and while they recognize and admit to the darkness and cruelty in people and this world, they still have this rich passion of loving people. I can't connect with people who don't recognize the darkness and despair in life and push it away. I connect with people who know the darkness like a close sibling, but always point to the light. That's my husband. That's my best friends. That's my parents. That's my heroes, some of whom I have met and some of whom I have not. That's U2, not just specifically Bono. But Bono is my greatest hero in the world today. U2's music is full of passion and love - they want nothing more than to make the world a better place. And they do. They make my world a better place so that I can make other's worlds better places.

What U2's music does for me is helps me not focus on my problems as a negative working against me, but instead their music helps me find my place in the world despite my problems and the world's problems. Yes, their music is very political. It's very personal. They very rarely write songs about romantic love. They can't write a simple fun tune, all their songs are heavy ("Lemon" might be the ONE song that isn't heavy, ha!) That's a turn off to many people, and I understand that. Many people think Bono's incredibly arrogant and claim to hate him because of it, but I don't think they're actually listening to him. But to me, music that doesn't have anything to say is boring. I'd rather have an arrogant insecure Irish man tell me how beautiful American's political system is than  have most Americans telling me how it's ruining our freedoms and liberties. I'm sick of American's views on America. Most pop music bores me to tears. U2's songs have so much to say that they always keep me pondering the meaning of my life in this world, and I thank them for keeping me focused on my purpose in this crazy world. Political or not, they keep me focused on love through this crazy mess of a world.

As "Landlady" came on, I was brought to tears by listening to how much Bono loves his wife. I have so much respect for Bono and Ali. They've only ever been married to each other, never any divorce. They show the world what marriage is all about. "I would win and call it losing if the prize is not for you."

My chronic illnesses can't take over my life and get me down when I have U2 singing about love and passion for all that is right and just in this world. My life isn't about me. I have value, no matter how much I'm hurting and held back. I have a place, no matter how broken and distant I'm feeling. I have a purpose, no matter how empty and drained I am. Their messages cut through my depression and anger and remind me who I am, who I was made to be, and how I can always keep growing despite my situation. I'm not defined by what I can't do, but by what I can. My health isn't my enemy. It isn't what's to blame for me not being the best version of myself.

So to Bono, Edge, Larry, and Adam: Thank you! 

Upcoming Medical Appointments and Symptom List

It upsets me that I have so much I really want to write about in this blog, but I just can't find the energy. I've been very surprised and humbled by how many views my posts are getting. Thank you so much for the support, and I very much hope that what I'm sharing helps you!

I just can't find the energy to reply to people I really care about on Facebook messenger. I'm too brain dead. I rarely watch TV on my own because I'd rather be doing something, and so video games help me relax while being interactive, but lately I've found myself watching more and more because it allows me to just lay on the couch and zone out. My games are calling to me to be played, but I know I can't think well enough to enjoy them. So please understand that I'm not ignoring anyone - I'm just trying to make it day by day, waiting for a time when I feel up to replying to messages or writing a blog post. I'm not even up to blogging right now, but people are asking about me, so I wanted to explain.

I'm tapering off all my pills again for some doctor appointments next month. I'm going to see a Cardiologist for a Tilt Table test to officially test for POTS and an Echocardiogram to monitor my Pulmonary Stenosis (heart murmur I was born with that never "went away.") Then I'm seeing a Neurologist for POTS and Chronic Fatigue, and he's going to run a nerve conduction test. Then I'm going to see my Naturopathic doctor (Dr. Bier at HumanNatureNaturalHealth.com) for an exam and treatments. I have to be at my worst for the Tilt Table test, which means I need to taper off my pills that help me manage my day-to-day life. It also means I need to stop seeing the Chiropractor since adjustments do help my symptoms subside for a little while.

Needless to say, this is leaving me exhausted: the stress of planning the trip to New Hampshire to see these doctors alone is too much stress. Finding an AirBNB that is fragrance-free, finding plane tickets, figuring out how to pack light for a trip in the winter... my parents have done most of the work and it's still too much stress for me. Oh, and how could I forget how difficult and time consuming it was to get the appointments scheduled? I felt bad for how much work I put my doctor through to get me these appointments. Now I have to call Disability to move my hearing, which is going to be a giant headache... and I honestly haven't had it in me to make the phone call yet. My appointments only worked out on the day that my hearing is scheduled for. I'm planning on making that phone call after my tea kicks in. Or why couldn't I just do it over Skype? My hearing is set to be a teleconference over a TV anyway...

In the midst of all this, the motor and pump on our dishwasher broke, and it was out of commission for almost 2 weeks. Thankfully the warranty covered the repair!

I'm also trying to manage at work through all of this - my goal has been to not lose any shifts. This is challenging. As long as my matcha powder in my water keeps giving me the strength to work, I can work. When the caffeine isn't enough, I can't do it. And I'm getting more and more vertigo without taking my b12. I took one b12 the other day because the vertigo was too strong for me to be able to drive myself to work. The b12 killed the vertigo - it worked. But I'm not supposed to be taking it. So I'm getting really nervous about working, but I can't afford not to. I have to save ALL of my strength and energy for work, which means chores at home are not getting done. My mom was really helpful and very nice and came to stay with us twice so she could do chores for me. My husband works so much that he shouldn't have to do any, and I don't want him to lose his health from overworking.

I'm really struggling - if only I stopped having things I had to do. If work was my only obligation I could make it. But things I have to do keep coming on, one thing after the other. Why can't I just rest? Why is everything full of phone calls and paperwork? Every day I have to accomplish SOMETHING... it's always SOMETHING. I'm not well enough to do all of this. I wish I had a disability lawyer hired to handle it all for me... but the work of getting a lawyer is way too overwhelming. Even if I get diagnosed, I don't think I'll win disability. North Dakota doesn't like to give it to people under age 50 because, and I quote, "Young people are resilient." You have no idea how angry this makes me. When I finally figure out how to recover and improve my health I'm going to fight this notion in our local government and strive to educate our judges. If I was resilient then I wouldn't have a health problem worth asking for disability over now would I? I'm asking for disability BECAUSE I'm not NOT resilient enough. And that's not my fault. I didn't choose to be this sick.

I'm honestly tempted to drop my case entirely, move to another state, and try again there. North Dakota is a difficult place to live if you have medical needs, and not just because of the rough extreme weather. The weather alone makes it difficult, and healthy people just don't understand that. When you're very sensitive to pressure changes, temperature changes, and extreme temperatures, but you also have to deal with shoveling and driving in sometimes large amounts of snow and ice... it's difficult. You have to be a resilient and rugged person to live here. I used to be. But it takes energy to be, energy I no longer have. I get so much crap from people here when I get upset over several inches or more of snow - they say things like, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" or "You'll get used to it." or "The rest of us deal with it, so you can too." There was a time when I was used to it and could handle it, but dealing with it takes energy. They all have the energy, and they don't know what it's like to not have the energy. It's very insulting to me to hear things like this because I used to take pride in being able to handle the rough situations. I used to not get anxiety over a little extra hardship. They didn't know me back then, when I was healthy and could take on the world. Back when a challenge was just an opportunity to succeed. I can't think that way anymore without getting sicker.




I've been getting asked what my symptoms are that have led me to getting these tests done. Here's a non-comprehensive list:

- Dizzy and short of breath when standing up. I'll see colors spinning all around me for several seconds before things come back into focus.

- Heart pounds so hard that it makes my teeth chatter with each beat. Sometimes it feels like my heart will pop out of my neck.

- Heart palpitations, especially when laying down.

- When I measure my heart rate from laying or sitting to standing up, it often (but not always) goes up 40 or more beats per minute. Sometimes it doesn't change at all, despite feeling very weak. It also jumps all over the place when I'm laying still - it's jumped around 30 bpm when I was laying perfectly still except for breathing. It would go up and down and up and down within 30 bpm.

- Normal blood pressure is typically about 100/60, but have been down to 90/50 frequently enough. Licorice does raise it back up temporarily. After exercising my systolic tends to rise a lot, but diastolic doesn't change much.

- Sharp shooting pains in my chest. Sometimes my whole chest will feel sore like I worked out the muscles too hard.

- Vertigo that comes and goes.

- Blurred vision or very tired vision, making it so that I end up squinting when trying to keep eye contact with someone

- Constant neck and shoulder tension, sometimes so tense that it gives me an earache or toothache. I get regular muscle work done and it's not enough.

- Headache at the top of my neck that comes and goes.

- Tinnitus in my ears that frequently changes in terms of severity

- Periods of derelization and depersonalization, where reality feels like a dream that I'm not actively involved in. Like I'm viewing reality on a TV and I'm not actually in it, but have to act like I am in it... because I am.

- Adrenaline rushes and crashes. I can shake and run around like a crazy person during the adrenaline rushes, and when I crash I crash so hard that I quite honestly can't get up. I often wake up with these adrenaline rushes in the middle of the night. Very similar to anxiety attacks, but it's not anxiety.

- Legs and arms can suddenly feel like jello. They can lose strength and feel wobbly.

- Never ending bloating issues, with sharp stabbing gut pains.

- Icy cold arms and legs while my torso is sweating as though it's in a sauna.

- Sweating when I feel cold, or being freezing cold when others are comfortable in t-shirts.

- Inability to determine if temperature is safe, like when I'm doing the dishes or taking a bath I can pour water that's way too hot and not realize I'm burning until my heart rate skyrockets, my skin is bright red, and I'm sweating like crazy. Other times the water will feel way too hot and I'll sweat like crazy when it's actually colder than I normally like it.

- Pale flushed skin, sometimes associated with my skin being very tender to touch, the way skin feels when you have the flu.

- I never feel hydrated, even when I drink so much electrolyte water that my stomach wants to vomit from being over filled with water. I'm always feeling dry. Sometimes I have a problem of needing to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes, other times I'm wondering why I can't go to the bathroom more often when I feel like I'm flooding myself.

- Energy so low that it can be exhausting to just grill a steak for myself.

- Energy so low that it's difficult to hold a conversation with someone because I can't focus on listening or forming replies.

- Slurring my speech and/ or stuttering.

- Joint pain that comes and goes

- Falling asleep is really very extremely difficult, even when I'm exhausted.

- Sleep is not restful. I either wake up feeling high adrenaline that gets me moving quickly, and I crash very hard once I eat breakfast, or I take until 11 or noon to get out of bed because I'm feeling so incredibly tired.

- My tongue sometimes swells up so much it doesn't fit in my teeth.

- I can't sit with my feet on the floor without getting overly tired and weak, so I sit on chairs with them curled up towards my chest.

- I can't lay still long without getting fidgety, my body needing to move.

- I can't just sit and talk to someone over tea. I HAVE to be doing something, even if it's just playing with something in my hands, but if you want to talk to me I should be doing the dishes or cleaning something while we're talking. If I'm not moving, I crash hard and can't focus. But if I move too much I get exhausted and need to go lay down where it's quiet. So in other words, being social is draining. I like the idea of having friends, but not always the reality of spending time with friends.

- Reactive to fragrances and other synthetics, meaning: widespread muscle pain, gut cramping, heart burn, vision loss, emotional instability issues, headaches, sinus aches (I got a sinus infection from going into a very smelly Staples once), heart pounding and palpations, rashes...

- Very reactive to foods, making it so I can't cheat on my diet without paying hard for it. Hives, rashes, adrenaline surge, nervous ticks, severe anger, stomach and gut pain, very high painful heart rate, bowel and bladder control issues, muscle pain...

- Mold is my worst enemy. It his me harder than anything else. Typically with nose bleeds, chest tightness, emotional instability to the extreme, unable to breath deeply enough, widespread pain, a major sense of fear and dread washes over me...

- ALL of my symptoms get MUCH worse during PMS and my period. My periods are very very heavy and painful. Very difficult to manage.

- I can't have a slightly confrontational talk with someone without shivering and sweating, and it feels like helium fills up my head. I avoid confrontation in person. If I has to be done I prefer to say most of it through text (email or whatever) and then finish talking about it in person when the shock is over.


Here's some video evidence of my heart rate issues. I uploaded my video to youtube and would rather link to it than embed it since blogger gives me too many issues with embedding videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5uUA-Qydps


...I'm sure I'm forgetting some important symptoms, but this should give you a pretty good idea of what it's like to be me. My supplements help most of these symptoms to be mild and manageable as long as I don't over tax myself, but I'm also paying about $600/ month for them. They're working much better than anything else I've tried, but I've stopped improving and they're just maintaining me.

I need to have an MD determine if I have POTS or something else, because I need to be able to either accept that I can't improve more than this or that I can try something else to improve. I can't plan my life out around the not knowing if I can improve or not. And unfortunately, only an MD has the credentials to make that determination. No employer or assistance programs will accept anything other than the right type of MD's diagnosis. I'm not going because my Naturopathic doctor isn't helping (he's been the most helpful person I've ever worked with), I'm going because I need to go the conventional accepted route to get what I need to manage life.

And it's oh so stressful.

To the Skeptics Who Want Me Off My Supplements...

It's amazing how quickly the mental and brain symptoms come back when I don't take my supplements. I've only been taking my supplements on days I work so that I can manage my job, but I'm trying to keep off of them as much as possible so I'm prepared for doctor visits (whenever they finish reviewing my referral.) This is only the second day without taking my pills, and the negativity is strong within me. Anger, doubt, depression, apathy, dismissiveness, hopelessness... that dark grey cloud is moving back in.

It makes it so hard to think clearly about my situation or make plans. Right now I just want to quit everything and throw my hands up in the air, giving up. Giving in. But I know if I used my progesterone, took my lithium, and drank my inositol powder that I'd have a different attitude on the matter. That it would be worth continuing to fight.

And the brain fog! Did I just go to the bathroom? I'm not sure. Do I feel like I need to go? I thought I did need to earlier... so maybe I did go? Yes, these are the thoughts I have about many parts of life.

Cravings for carbs and sugars are coming back in a big way too. I'm not as stable with my diet. I'm not supposed to have any starches and I know it's true because I don't feel well after I eat them. But I'm craving starches now. Some need in my body has been met by something in one of my supplements, just not sure what that need is.

I hate this limbo. I really need my appointments to get scheduled so that I can have less anxiety about not taking my supplements. I'm also kind of irritated that they work this well, because it means I'll still have to take them all for a while longer. I'm getting pill fatigue. Why is my body refusing to heal more than it has? I'm investing so much into regaining my health, but my body is saying, "Nope." Ugh.

I'm getting very impatient about finding out what I need to do to continue improving or coming to accept that I can't get better. That this is the best I'll be. I'm getting annoyed by having hope and perseverance. I just want a final answer.

Toxic Consumerism: Is Voting With Your Dollars Enough?

I am gradually meeting more and more people in person who tell me they suffer reactions from certain synthetic products. I know of someone who only reacts to candles, even unlit candles, and it's enough to give her a migraine and agitation. A stranger told me she can't smell perfume without getting queasy, and she told me this without knowing I have sensitives too. Another man chose me to complain to about cigarette smoke making him feel awful. Someone else even showed me their rash and told me it started after using a cheap heavily scented laundry detergent. I'm happy to be meeting these people, because what it is telling me is that people who don't have MCS are experiencing reactions to many common synthetic products on the market - and they're complaining about it! They're fully aware of which products hurt them.

We are in need of a major cultural change. More and more consumers are choosing non-toxic products for several reasons: their own health, the health of the workers who made the products, fair trade/ ethics, avoiding worsening global warming, or even out of distrust for questionable ingredients in products. Non-toxic products are boasting that they're safer, more sustainable, create less waste, do not pollute our air, and they're more sturdy (better value)... all for only a slightly higher price tag. I see the tide turning, and there are more and more brands producing non-toxic options. The majority of consumers, however, are not conscientious shoppers. Most people are still going to buy cheap plastic disposables made in a sweat shop with child labor, not because they don't care, but because it's normal and most affordable.

Here is where I struggle. As a sales person who is very passionate about and deeply believes in everyone switching to non-toxic products, I have no problem educating customers to convince them to spend the extra money on something safer and more sustainable. I get very irritated when customers are educated and STILL choose to buy the toxic option - what will it take to convince them that they're not just hurting themselves with that choice, but they're hurting the people around them? When I'm not at work, I can quickly and easily become the annoying idealist who comes across as being very judgmental about other people's choices. I struggle with this, because I see it as a moral dilemma. I feel morally obligated to warn people against using toxic products, because I know from personal experience and from reading the scientific studies that and from meeting MANY other people who have been hurt those products hurt people. I fear for the health of my fellow human beings - am I wrong to try and protect others? Well, I can't control other people's choices, and I don't want to. I believe in free choice. I don't blame the consumers. I blame the terrible health regulations in this country and many other countries around the world.

The problem is that companies are allowed to use untested unregulated synthetic (not found in nature) chemicals in their products and then sell them to people who trust that these companies aren't allowed to produce products that hurt people. How do you convince consumers that these products aren't actually safe? They have to want to be convinced - they have to be open to making a change in their own life. Most people don't have the time or energy to research and learn about consumer product safety, if they even know it's an issue. Many consumers who have heard warnings against certain products might fall prey to marketing schemes that make them think they're making a safer, healthier purchase (when in reality that product is not safe.) This is a major issue with BPA-free plastic water bottles. The "BPA-free" sticker makes it sound like it's safe, but the problem is that the BPA alternative in plastic hasn't been proven safe. In fact, there's been studies to show that the alternative is just as endocrine disruptive as the BPA! No, consumers are not to blame.

One comment I see very often on Facebook is, "Vote with your dollars!" This means that consumers demonstrate what kind of culture, environment, and standards we want in our country based on what we choose to buy. There's plenty of truth in this statement. This sentiment is why there are more and more companies choosing to produce organic food products. For instance, Hormel saw the success of Applegate (natural and organic packaged meat brand) and choose to buy them. Hormel is seeing that a very large portion of consumers prefer organic and natural products, so they wanted in on the market.

I don't believe that the "Vote with your dollars!" plan is enough. It's tackling the issue from only one side, and the other side of the issue is a bigger problem. The other side of the issue is the total lack of safety regulations and standards for consumer products. Until that changes, too many consumers will keep buying the cheap, toxic products (knowing or unknowingly) - and these people are voting with their dollars too. As it is, more people are voting with their dollars that toxic products are acceptable. We need to fight for better safety regulations, demand third party testing on synthetic chemicals, and demand that companies stop using overseas child labor. We do this by voting, writing our senators and congressmen, and funding more research projects.

The Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) is a great example of something that needs to be voted on. It's being discussed and voted on in many countries, but have you noticed that the media here in the USA is refusing to talk about it? The idea is that is allows faster, more direct trade between countries in order to boost the economy and create better trade relations with these other countries. The problems? It means LESS product safety regulation and fewer products being made in the USA (meaning less jobs too). In a time when China has been caught bleaching garlic that goes for sale in the USA, making fake rice from plastic and mixing it with real rice that gets sold in the USA, processing meat with carbon dioxide so it looks fresh when it's already rotten, and more... why in the world would anyone trust China to ship us more products through the TPP that are SAFE? If anything, it will allow them to get away with even more safety risks since there would be LESS oversight! To my knowledge, Mike Huckabee was the only presidential candidate that actively protested the TPP. He is no longer in the race. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is a major supporter of the TPP. This is NOT a democrat/ republican issue - this is a moral human issue.

I believe in Capitalism. I believe in the right to make any business you want that's legal. I believe in the right of consumers to have free choice on what products and services they buy. I used to believe that less government involvement allowed for a better Capitalistic system. Then I started to learn that people cannot be trusted to make decisions that do not hurt people. I learned that businesses would choose to use toxic products just to make a dollar. I learned that businesses would move overseas, avoiding hiring USA citizens, just to improve income. I learned that businesses don't mind being ethically and morally ambiguous by using child labor in sweat camps and paying them next to nothing. If business leaders could be trusted to have the health, safety, and welfare of humanity at heart, I would still prefer a smaller government with less regulations. But I lost my trust. The only way I can see to hold businesses accountable is through  government regulations. ...But what happens when our government can't be trusted to regulate? That's our current problem. The last amendment to the chemical safety law in this country actually made the law worse - we now have FEWER protections. The government is no different from the business. Our leaders are supporting immoral, unethical, poor trade agreements with businesses so they make maximum profits. Let me be clear: I am NOT against corporations. They're not evil, in fact, I think they're a fantastic way to build a business economy. I support many corporations with my dollars, because I like their mission, values, and how they conduct business. This is a matter of trust.

(This is not an endorsement of Bernie Sanders either - yes, he's the only candidate talking about these issues, which I really truly appreciate and respect, but I don't believe in his solutions. I fully understand if you vote for him based on his environmental values.)

If I had the energy, I would love to get into much more detail and give specifics. My energy is running low very quickly.

My dream is for the USA to be thriving on a safe, sustainable, non-toxic, democratic, capitalistic economy. I would love to see the elimination of child labor, sweat camps, meat factories, poor subsidized farming techniques that rely on GMOs and synthetic toxic chemicals, etc. I'm dreaming WAY too big, I know. My idealism is too grand. But as someone with "21st Century Syndrome" who is "allergic" to our modern lifestyle... I think I have very legit reasons to be this idealistic and to dream. I can't participate in this culture without getting sick.

I'd like to acknowledge a business who is actually concerned with product safety and sustainability: Lego! Yes, the plastic toy company! I'm a huge fan of Legos, and it broke my heart when I realized they're made from toxic non-biodegradable petroleum plastic. Apparently, it's bothering them too. They've vowed to switch to a new kind of non-toxic sustainable plastic! Thanks Lego! Continue to be a great example for other businesses and for consumers!

If you would like to do further research on the issue of the toxic consumer products, I encourage you to check out:

- Stink! Documentary

- The Human Experiment

- Toxic Hot Seat

- The Sensitives

- Tox-Sick by Suzanne Somers

- 12,000 Canaries Can't be Wrong by Dr. John Molot



Next time you go shopping, keep in mind that plastic is endocrine-disruptive (estrogen mimicking, insulin producing, and other hormone suppressing), is linked to obesity and diabetes, is not biodegradable, and has much safer alternatives. Consider buying the glass water bottle instead, and pass on the meat wrapped in plastic in favor of paper-wrapped meat from you butcher. Your water and meat will also taste so much better if you do this!

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/health/topics/agents/endocrine/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2702426/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3279464/

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/chemicals-plastic-linked-health-problems-study-article-1.2285790

How I Work With MCS

One of the most common questions I get is: "How are you able to work when you have MCS?"

The answer: "I didn't work for about 1 3/4 years because I couldn't. I'm working now because I got well enough to."

3 years ago I took a job that I was really interested in and wanted. I lasted for 1 year at the job before I had to quit because I was too sick to manage it. I tell this story in more detail in this post.
I quit that job just after I had my first appointment with my naturopathic doctor. After hearing his assessment about my health, I admitted to myself that I really did need to devote myself to full time healing. I wasn't making money during this time, and my doctor bills have been expensive. I relied 100% on my husband to support me, which wasn't fair to him at all since he ended up needing to work well beyond full time hours. This has been a major cause of stress. If I had continued to work, however, I likely would have been fired at some point. As I explained in the post that I linked to above, I could hardly look people in the eye and talk intelligently - I was not able to function like a normal healthy person most of the time. What choice did I have?

If I wasn't able to rely 100% on my husband during that time, it would have become a serious challenge, if not impossibility. A challenge that far too many chronically ill people face. I might have tried to fight for disability, but getting disability requires an expensive legal battle that usually lasts years.

I could have tried to take a lesser part time job and prayed that I could have handled it. But it wouldn't have worked out. Why? What I didn't know at the time was that a big part of my problem was Multiple Chemical Sensitives. I was too sick back then to know what all my symptoms meant, and I was essentially in a constant reaction. I did feel better at home than at work, and I assumed it was the stress of being at work that make me feel worse. Looking back, I was present when pesticides were being sprayed in our office, harsh cleaners were used on the carpets, automatic air fresheners were installed in the bathrooms, new ink was installed in the printers, etc. I was present around a lot of routine toxins. Toxins that I never used in my house. Any other lesser job would have kept me exposed to similar chemical toxins.

I have been incredibly blessed to have my hard-working husband supporting me through all this sickness. No other scenario would have allowed me to not work so I could heal. To those of you with chronic illness who are forced to work and stay very sick, live in poverty without medical help, and suffer financially due to your illness, my heart goes out to you. It's a wonder you continue fighting for your life. Someday when I'm healthy and rich, I'm going to start some sort of benefit fund for the chronically sick who can't get help. I want to do what I can to make the world a more hospitable place for the chronically sick.

It took close to a year of full time healing before my doctor was able to see that I have MCS. I had other health concerns, of course, but MCS made perfect sense. I'd been highly reactive my entire life, especially as a child. I've had a lot of food allergies, couldn't tolerate many medicines doctors had tried to put me on, many things caused me headaches (especially gray crayons,) and I regularly had unexplained eczema or rashes. At some point, my MCS did explode into something much worse. I got very sick (even got a sinus infection) from simply being in a Staples. I got dizzy with heartburn going into my church building. I went into a rage with harsh heart palpations in a JC Penny, later to have rashes all over. And so on and so forth. I had these reaction symptoms nearly every day for the year I was working, and they gradually became worse and worse. MCS makes perfect sense for what I went through.

It's been just under a year now of addressing MCS directly, but almost 2 years of healing my whole body from all its issues, and I've made a huge improvement. My doctor is amazing! But I've also put a lot of work into my healing.


How I, over time, worked up to being able to work my 12-15 hour/ week job:

1. I was spending as much time as I needed dedicating myself to healing my entire body, not just MCS. I highly doubt my MCS would have calmed down if I didn't focus on improving my overall health. You can't rush healing. It takes years to get this sick, it's going to take years to get better.

2. I stuck religiously to my doctor's diet for me. I made a few mistakes here and there, but I always suffered the consequences. My body has been incredibly picky about what food it will tolerate. I had no idea that my "clean organic" diet that I was eating before seeing my doctor was causing so many of my heath issues. It's not just about eating organic whole foods, it's about eating the right foods. As it turns out, I have no tolerance for grains, starches, sugars, alcohol, or dairy. I don't even tolerate brassica vegetables that well, but I will actually eat them in small amounts on occasion. Cutting out all the foods that I wasn't tolerating decreased my stress, improved my mental clarity, reduced the size of my gut, reduced the pain in my gut, reduced my inflammation, and allowed me actually gain energy from the food I could eat. Diet is so so so crucial!

3. I've been taking, and still take, my doctor's supplements and herbs. They're expensive, it's hard to take the 56+ pills a day, and my daily schedule gets tied to my ability to take them when I need to... but they have been worth it. They do help a lot. I have to heal all my organs which have become very fatigued and weak. The supplements are working for this. When organs such as the liver and kidneys aren't working well, they can't detox well. When they're overrun with toxins that they're too fatigued to push out, chemical sensitives only get stronger and stronger.

4. I've been taking my doctor's homeopathic remedy for MCS as well as his pills for MCS. I can't tell you what the remedy is - I just know it's made a big difference for me. I can tell you that taking his N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine and Reduced Glutathione have been, by far, the most helpful pills for MCS. I take 3 of each a day, but if I'm about to go somewhere with potential triggers (such as church or a store) then I'll take an extra one or two of each before going in. Glutathione is the body's natural antioxidant. N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine is the amino acid that's the precursor to glutathione, boosting natural glutathione production in the body. This antioxidant is very effective at cleaning toxins out of the body - the very toxins that cause reactions.

5. I get treatments. My doctor's clinic is set up with several treatments that promote healing. I do as many of them as I can afford. Each of them have provided me with a lot of relief.  http://humannaturenaturalhealth.com/treatments

6. I give myself a couple of "treatments" at home. I invested in a portable Far Infrared Sauna, which causes me to sweat profusely, meaning my skin is pushing out a ton of toxins. I also take detox baths that promote sweating and restore some minerals in my body. I use my acupressure mat very often. 

7. I regularly visit my local chiropractor and acupuncturist. (My naturopathic doctor would do these for me, but he's in a different state and I travel to see him.) I cannot emphasis enough how helpful adjustments are - they free up the nerves in your spine that go to your organs, helping the nerves to function properly so the organs can function well. Acupuncture has been incredibly beneficial to me as well, and I notice that my body slows down and reacts more harshly to things when I go a while without acupuncture.

8. I'm addressing a systemic candida overgrowth infection. Candida can cause or intensify MCS, as the candida yeast feeds on the chemical toxins. I haven't written much about this yet, but I still plan to. The candida cleanse I'm on is a big part of the reason why I haven't blogged much lately. It's taking a lot out of me.

9. I avoid as much stress as possible. I avoid as many triggers as possible. I allow my body to stay as calm as possible as often as possible. This meant installing an reverse osmosis filter on my kitchen sink, getting rid of all of my polyester clothes and blankets and replacing them with natural fabrics, replacing plastic in my kitchen with a safe substance (like glass, stainless steel, cast iron, or bamboo,) switching to only fragrance-free soaps and cleaners in my house, hiring an organic lawn care company with a safer product, hiring someone to clean the mold out of our house, and so on and so forth. It also means I no longer eat out too. I've had to alter a lot about the way I live my life in order to avoid triggers. It's a major challenge, but it's been absolutely necessary to avoid as many triggers as possible.

10. Once I felt ready and capable, I spent months searching for job openings at businesses that would have the least amounts of triggers. I found a few places in town that I can be in without getting sick, or at least not too sick. When one of them announced a job opening, I applied right away in person and tried to make a good impression. I actually ended up with a couple of offers, so I was able to choose the job that offered the least amount of hours with the most respect to my health condition, knowing I simply didn't have the energy for more than 15 hours a week. The job I chose is at a natural health products store. It's small, locally owned, and doesn't attract stinky customers that I can't be around without getting sick. The store itself is quite nice and sells foods and supplements I already knew enough about, but is challenging me to learn a lot more, which I love. The learning curve was small, it's usually a relaxed atmosphere, and it's not too often that there are stinky triggers in the store. It also keeps me on my feet moving, as opposed to at a computer all day, which would make me worse.


How I deal with triggers on the job:
This is harder to answer, but the fact is that I rely on all the healing tactics I do at home. The more I take care of myself, keeping myself clean, detoxing/ sweating regularly, makes it so I can tolerate more triggers with less harsh reactions. When I first took the job, I couldn't use the Sharpie pens without holding my breath. I got immediate headaches from them. Now I can actually use them for  a short period of time without holding my breath. I'm not sure why. Did I build up a tolerance, or is it because I'm using my sauna more and taking more baths than before I started working?

There have been a couple of times when a heavily perfumed customer needs my help. In one instance I was able to have a co-worker help that customer instead of me. I just politely said "My co-worker is better able to help you with this than I am, would you mind waiting a moment and I'll have her come help you?" In the other instance, I spent the least amount of time with the customer as possible and then ran back to the break room and took a few glutathione pills. My headache, fever, heart palpitations, and gut ache calmed down in about an hour. The truly amazing part is that I did manage to help her and was able to continue working through the reaction - that's how much I've healed!

But it did get to the point two days ago where I had to go home early from getting too sick. I wasn't feeling well all day anyway as I was overly exhausted and I was suffering some abnormally bad PMS (I'm on a new anti-fungal for my candida that is quite strong,) but then it hit me like a brick wall. I had no idea what was causing the reaction, but I got hit with an anxiety attack so strong that I had to leave. I was losing control. Once I got outside and started walking to my car I found the source: one single train cart was stopped on the train tracks right behind our parking lot. It was puffing out clouds of black smoke, which the wind carried right towards the store, and me. I didn't feel much better until the next morning, so it took the majority of the day and night to recover from that one.


In conclusion:
Healing is VERY hard work! It requires a lot of time, a lot of dedication, a lot of faith, a lot of money, and a lot of self-love. I always treated myself as "worth it." If I didn't, if I would have assumed that my life wasn't worth saving because I was a leech to society, I wouldn't have gotten better. I had to believe that God was keeping me alive for a reason, and that with enough work and medical help that I could live up to His will for me.

If you're suffering with MCS, looking for answers, I hope this blog has helped you, not discouraged you. I never looked at my healing process in the big picture. It would have overwhelmed me and scared me - I would have assumed it was too much for me to handle considering how fatigued I was! I always took it one step at a time, doing what I needed to at every moment. Before I knew it, I made a lot of progress!

I also want to stress that what has been working for me may not be what works for you. What causes MCS in one person may not be the cause in another person. There are other people who have had success healing from MCS who have used different approaches. I encourage you to read other MCS blogs, talk to natural doctors, and learn your own body. But don't give up. Don't give in. MCS might rule your life, but you can find a good life within the confines of MCS.

Back to Work

It's been about a month since my last post. This just goes to show how fatigued I've been, that I've been avoiding my computer in favor of laying on the couch doing nothing but resting.

I started working a few months ago, just 12-15 hours a week. This might sound like nothing to most people. When I was regularly working 45-50 hours a week about 3 years ago I would have scoffed at the fact that I'd be reduced to this in only a few years time. Right now this feels like a lot of hours. For a year and a half I wasn't working. I was barely working at the last job I had as a secretary, and quit before I got fired for being too sick. The fact that I'm managing to work these few hours is really impressive to me, considering all I've been though.

But I'm tired. For a while I was able to spend my limited energy on my blog, my Zazzle store, and my writing. Now I'm storing up my energy, spending it at work, and coming home and resting a lot. I'm finding that I'm playing more video games than usual, and I'm struggling to read novels again. I'm turning back to graphic novels and manga because they're much easier to read. My brain is just this tired.

My legs feel heavy, my arms feel stiff, my back is aching, and my feet feel like bricks. I haven't done an actual work out since I started my job. I've gone for my 2 mile walks on occasion, but no weight lifting or Xbox Fitness. No Tai Chi. My job keeps me on my feet the whole time, which is one of the main reasons I chose it. I knew that if I chose a desk job that I'd only make myself worse. But my job has become my work out. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not - it just is what it is, and I think that's okay.

I'm not complaining. Yes, the job is causing my body troubles, but the fact that I'm working is absolutely amazing! Yes, it's putting me back on the fatigue roller coaster, when for a while I was finally starting to feel even/ stable most of the time, but I'm probably more active now than I was before I started working. And I hope that's actually a good thing.

There's nothing like battling chronic fatigue, or as they now call it, Myalgic Encephalopathy.

There's especially nothing like battling CFS/ ME and candida and adrenal fatigue and digestive issues and Chemical Sensitives while trying to pay the bills, have a healthy marriage, and keep friends. But I can be thankful for the fact that I'm no longer also dealing with fibromyalgia! That's gone. Thank goodness! Because when fibromyaliga was in the mix, there was no such thing as paying the bills, keeping my husband happy, or having friends.

I'm exhausted. But pretty soon my cup of Numi Organic Japanese Green Tea will kick in, give me more adrenaline than I can handle, and I'll be zipping around like a healthy person... until the caffeine wears out. And here is the problem. Caffeine definitely affects my adrenals negatively, but without the caffeine, I may not be an effective employee. My natural energy spurts don't always come when I need them. In fact, they tend to come as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Frustration!

But it's worth it. Having some sense of "normal" in my life is making a big difference. I'm no longer isolated from people. I'm forced to participate in the world again. I can't wallow in my own problems when I'm around others. I get to spend my limited energy on people, who for the most part, are worth spending my energy on.

My fear lies in the fact that I'm not keeping enough energy to spend on myself for my own healing. Traditional Chinese Medicine teaches that we heal with our left over energy. Well, what left over energy? My hope is that I will continue to grow my energy so that I'll have more to spend on my own healing.

If a plane crashes into our house and kills me... well, I wouldn't complain. That said, I have no intention of living my life waiting for that plane to crash into my house. I'm going to spend my life making the best of my time before I die a hopefully more natural and peaceful death. I feel like this goal is possible now, whereas a year ago I would have welcomed death, as I had no energy to make the best of life. 


Those of you with MCS who read my blog:
You're probably questioning how I'm able to work with MCS. I want to write about this soon. In short, I don't recommend it if your MCS reactions are debilitating. I chose a job at a place that doesn't have me constantly reacting, and I'm able to simple just walk away from the majority of things that do cause me to react. My reactions are so much less severe than they used to be, and my wonderful naturopathic doctor has me on a few things that are helping me survive our synthetic world. I have done a lot of healing work, which hasn't been easy, and it's helping me dramatically. A year ago I wouldn't have tolerated this job - it would have given me debilitating reactions. Then again, a year ago I was basically in a constant reaction and had no idea that it was a reaction I was experiencing.

New Years Resolutions

I'm not a typically a big fan of making New Years resolutions. They're usually overly positive and optimistic, but not practical or meaningful. They tend to cause us to guilt trip ourselves, and then later we beat ourselves up for failing. Most people fail at keeping New Years resolutions to some degree. I haven't made any in the past few years because I always have a goal of trying to better myself, no matter the time of year. This year, however, the beginning of the year lines up with my body's improving health. It's actually a good time for me to adopt new habits now that I have a bit more energy and mental clarity. So, what are my resolutions?

1. Make exercise a bigger priority. My doctor wants me doing 45 minutes of cardio a day. This past year I did work out regularly, but not consistently and not as hard as I needed to. I normally got at least 10 minutes of cardio in a day, on top of doing chores/ moving around purposefully. I rarely ever worked out for more than 30 minutes at a time - I rarely had the strength. While this was way better than in past years (where I had no exercise routine,) I need to try and do better, especially since I do have more energy and strength now. Small steps. I want to turn that "at least 10 minutes" into "at least 15 minutes," and I want to aim for 30-45 minute work out sessions at least twice a week (I will use my YMCA membership to ensure this.)

2. I want to make money. Somehow, someway. I want to financially contribute to our household again. I have been pursuing job opportunities in the past couple of months, but so far nothing has worked out because I either get sick inside the business (MCS issues,) or the stores that I seem to do well in are not hiring. I will not, however, take a job at a place that will make me sick. It isn't worth making a bit of money at the cost of my heath, which I've been working so very hard on repairing during the past year. (On this note - no, I have not abandoned my Zazzle shop. I will start working on it again in January. This month has been too distracting, and Zazzle isn't profitable enough to make a priority.)

3. Try to reduce our food budget without compromising the quality of the food we eat. This is a major challenge in North Dakota. It's difficult to grow food here because the weather makes for poor growing conditions during the majority of the year (unless you grow grains.) While I won't expect to be able to grow enough of my own food, there is another way to reduce our food budget, and we've already started. We bought half of a grass-fed local cow! My goal is to buy my meat directly from the ranchers from now on, because the price per pound of the beef is half that of grass-fed meat at the grocery store. I want to buy turkey, lamb, and chicken next.

4. As I need new clothes over the next year, I want to only purchase natural clothing. This is part of my goal to create the least toxic environment I can. I want to eventually (this will take years) have a wardrobe of only organic cotton, linen, hemp, wool, and real bamboo (not rayon.) My hope is that all these clothes will be free from additives of flame retardants and stiffeners, but my budget won't allow me to only buy from companies that promise no chemical additives (they're expensive!)


Small, obtainable goals, right? I think I can do these. I don't want 2015 to be a repeat of 2014, in which I spent the entire year (I'm not exaggerating here) focusing on healing. At the end of last year year I was hardly alive at all - I was horribly sick. I would say there were days where I was only 10% alive. Maybe even less. I would say I'm about 60% alive, on average, these days. I'm no longer a zombie. I feel human most days now, though a tired and weak human. I think it's time to start acting like a human again and try to rejoin society, even if just a little. I'm pretty sure I have the strength and energy to do it, as long as I don't push myself.

So, here's to a new year! Welcome, 2015!