This Is The End of This Chapter In My Life: I Must Move Again

Nearly 500 layoffs pending as Limestone University on brink of shutdown

Earlier this week I wrote a post about how uncertain my future is. The very next day my husband lost his job because the university he teaches at will be closing. We thought maybe a department or two would close. No, the entire university is closing. They announced this with a sliver of hope, saying if they raise $6 million by Tuesday they can save it. They said may be able to continue as an online-only school. They said this, but they also sent an email terminating all employees and another to help students transfer to other universities. 

This is not surprising because the school was in bad condition, and we had too many signs that it was failing. We were starting to believe that he might get to work there one more year, however, because this announcement is coming at the end of the school year, after all the student transfer deadlines. The jobs at other universities have already been filled for next year. It's too late for anyone to plan. The university claimed they made the announcement this late because they were hopeful that a significant donation was coming to them, but the donation fell through and they will not receive it. That's fine, but they should have been transparent. They should have been giving the state of the university throughout the whole year. They were dead silent. In fact, they even hired a professor a few months ago, who moved here and bought a house that she won't get to live in now. It's unconscionable, disrespectful, and morally corrupt of them to treat all their faculty, staff, and students this way. 

This means that my husband is scrambling to find a job. He has been applying for new jobs all year long, and even had interviews that were very promising. The trouble is that universities across the nation are closing in very high numbers, so the amount of professors and graduates applying for the same jobs is staggering. He's competing against 200+ applicants for any low-paying job that pops up. Higher education is falling apart rapidly. Between the demographic cliff (too few 18 year olds because our birth rate has plummeted), the extreme high cost of education, and very low salaries... higher education isn't an attractive option anymore. It's actually a very risky option, because there is no guarantee that a degree will help anyone earn enough money to pay off the cost of the degree and keep a roof over their head at the same time.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/the-decline-of-the-college-educated-american-man/ar-AA1yUqcI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=U531&cvid=ad27872cfce64626892ef3954d422e2a&ei=31

So this leaves me in quite the dilemma: Should I stay or should I go?

My husband has a couple of job opportunities he could take, but they don't pay well enough to support us both. They both require moving to cities nearby where rent is quite a bit more expensive. My disability and part-time job income will not help enough. He has his doctorate, he qualifies for jobs that require it, but they don't pay enough to cover basic living expenses. If I join him wherever he goes, I think we'll have to rent a very small and cheap apartment that won't allow my pet birds or even have room to keep half of what we own. There are many problems with a cheap apartment for my health: I can't use shared laundry machines, the smell of other people's fragrances will drift into the apartment and make me sick, I would have to live in noise-canceling headphones, they tend to be moldy and don't get proper repairs, and so on... am I entitled? I don't know, but I do know that my health can't handle it. 

I also have the option of separating from him by moving back in with my parents in their home that is safe for me. Financially, we'd both be better off. If I do this, will I ever see him again? I'll be moving 1,600 miles away. What are the odds of him landing a job that can pay the bills any time soon? You might be thinking about how he should change careers and figure this out. It's not that simple: couples can't survive anymore unless they're both making a decent salary and living frugally, and my income is less than half of his. He doesn't - didn't - make a low salary, and most career changes would not help him earn more money. He might have an easier time finding a job in a different career making the same amount of money, but he is paying for a doctorate in this career field. 

My God... where is the humanity? What happened to our nation? This is a nightmare. 

Happy Easter, everyone. Easter is the ultimate message of hope. Easter is the reminder of why we're living. Easter is the reason to keep fighting and moving forward in this screwed up society that doesn't value human lives. Easter is the meaning of life. 


I think this song is relevant... yes, it's about dating, but isn't job hunting dating too? I view it like jobs are looking for the perfect workers and looking for perfect people to apply. They expect people who are not humans to fulfil their insane and inhumane demands. How bad do they want employees? And will any employer pay enough to live off of, but also hire someone less than perfect? 

You can't convince me that the USA isn't heading towards a major depression if we can't solve this. Wages MUST go up and rent MUST come down. If not, we're all going to be homeless soon. How bad does this country want us to be successful? 

As for me, myself, and I... well... I'm lucky to have family who loves me and can help me. I'm lucky to have as much health as I do have, considering I was completely bed ridden at one point in my life. I just want to surround myself with people who can still find the beauty in being alive so we can somehow survive this nightmare. If it's societal collapse, I just want to be with people who love me. If it's the apocalypse, then all I can say is that it's about time. Good riddance. We've trashed this planet, we've trashed society, we've trashed the ability to have a future... I will do my part to try to save this planet and be able to have a future, but if it all collapses, so be it. I'm exhausted. I want to live a life in which it's actually possible to be in love, raise children, and be part of a healthy and functional society. But as it is right now, there's no time or room left for building a loving relationship. Every moment of our lives is pure stress about how to financially survive. 

One Year and 2 Months Since Moving Here Update

I have a list of things I feel are worth blogging about, but I sit down to write and I can't find the energy to pull them from my head and type them into words. I want to write about how I discovered a new food that I can eat and benefit from. I want to write about how to buy meat, especially when it's difficult to find quality meat where you live. I want to write about how the culture of your local community affects personal health, and the ripple effect that poor health has (this is a story about a stray dog.) I want to write about my new Fitbit and faucet, both of which make my life easier! I want to write about my thoughts on the movie Common Ground, the sequel to Kiss The Ground. 

The reality is that I'm feeling stuck in perpetual exhaustion. Each day I'm striving to just keep up with the emotional turmoil in my head, the physical demands of my weak body, and the chores around the house. I feel like I'm constantly waiting, so I can't start a project or do anything because I just have to wait, but what am I waiting for? I have no idea. The problem is, when I'm doing things, I feel like I have to rush and do them as fast as possible. I'm sure my adrenals are shot again. I think it would help to have a job so I could have some sort of routine or rhythm in my life to help me pace. Searching for a job has been a nightmare here - my options are all physically demanding for very low pay. I've been applying for jobs, but I've never been invited for an interview. Maybe it's because I'm asking for more than $9/hr and only part-time hours? There is a serious lack of part-time jobs here - the work culture here is very "all or nothing." Work-life balance? That isn't a concept here. I also think I'm judged for being from the north. There's a strong dislike of all the northerners and Californians moving in, and my accent gives me away. 

There is a war inside my head that is seriously taxing me. I have major life decision fatigue, and my inability to take action to fix my life is making me feel worthless. Half of me believes I need to snap out of this slump, pull myself together, and go work any job I can get just like other people do. The other half of me knows my health is too poor to actually do that, and it won't solve my problems because not being healthy enough to do the work will make me feel even worse about myself. This half of me keeps coming up with philosophical reasons why all people, even sick people, have value and shouldn't be expected to be worker bees when they're not able to be. This side of me keeps finding peace with my situation, but then my husband comes home from work and we talk about how tight our money is, and I start to spiral back into the guilt of not helping to earn money. I don't know how to enjoy being me if I feel like I'm not contributing, and he makes a lot of comments about how I'm not earing money. And I spiral back down the whirlpool of despair. How can I be at peace? 

I am on disability, so I am contributing. But is it enough? I do the laundry. I clean the house. I wash all the dishes every day. I run the small errands in town. I cook most dinners. I work myself to exhaustion every day just by trying to keep up with chores. But is it enough? Am I enough? Am I loveable when this is the best I can do? If I'm only loved for what I can do, then I feel like I'll always be a disappointment. I want to be loved for who I am, how I love, and how much better I make life. 

If I felt settled down, I would honestly consider starting a hobby farm with goats and chickens. I like people, but I don't meet the crazy high demands of people. I used to be able to before I got sick. It's not because I'm lazy - I used to thrive from doing physically demanding jobs for long hours. I enjoyed the work too. I miss feeling and actually being CAPABLE. Life would be so much better if I could just use my body and work! But, I have to deal with my reality: my body can't make enough energy, and I get dizzy and weak from using the energy I do make. And I'm not settled down at all. I do not expect to have a long-term situation here in South Carolina. 

I feel like these blog posts are becoming very repetitive, but my head is very repetitive. I'm stuck. I need to get broken out of this cycle of despair. 

I do have positive things to write about, I promise! I'll try. But not right now. I need to lay down. 

I hope that these blogs serve as some sort of record of how awful life is for those of us with ME/CFS. Let this help someone somewhere feel less alone... 

Everything I do I do for Love - An ME/CFS Lament

Do you live with an "impending sense of doom" that nags at you every day?

I do.

I have since moving to South Carolina, but the feeling has grown stronger and stronger. Along with it, my health has declined more and more. 

There are rational reasons for feeling this way. This was not a move that offered security, but instead, amplified a lot of doubt about the future. Adding to the instability is fear of the economy. We're in stagflation now, some have called it a silent depression as well, and an official recession is looming. I don't feel like I'll survive if we carry on as we are right now. I worry the jobs and then the money will disappear. As someone in a reel on Instagram said, "There is no middle class now. You either have money or you don't. If you're making only $100k per year, you don't have money." 

The problem with ME/CFS is that the condition doesn't allow us the energy to worry. If we spend energy on worry, we won't have energy to do anything else. It makes it extremely challenging to plan complicated issues such as surviving a major economic crash, and if I do come up with a plan, it's even more difficult to find the energy to take action. If you have a spouse that doesn't agree with you, it's almost impossible to fight. 

This morning I was incredibly tired from days of mental gymnastics, trying to plan my future so I'll be ok. I'm still in a daze, but if I don't release these thoughts then they'll continue to drain me. I sat outside on the porch and watched the birds, soaked in the sun, and let my mind take a break. I just let myself feel tired. The problem was that the thoughts kept coming back as I observed the world around me. I thought about how I would love to be a bird, because their lives are simple: survive and procreate, but have fun flying too. Sure, they have all sorts of stress, such as being eaten by other animals, but their lives are not complicated by the societal expectations of other birds. And how humans can't just let humans live the way birds let each other live, we all have to compete for money and make ourselves useful to people with more power than us. I watched all the cars drive by on the road in front of my house. Many of them were business vehicles: pest control, heating and air, campus security (I live on the edge of the university), emergency service vehicles... how many of those people are going to earn enough money doing those jobs to keep a roof over their heads when the economy tanks? As it is, it's hard to afford food. It's hard to keep my mind from going right back to these overwhelming thoughts of worry. Maybe they already paid off their house, maybe their spouse makes a ton of money, maybe they have the ability to live on beans and rice without slowing down because of a bad diet... it must be nice to not need so much to manage your health and be able to focus on work. 

It must be so nice to be healthy enough to just focus on a job every day, and not have time to worry. Have a task to do to stay occupied. How nice it must be to go to work, do something physical like build a fence for a client, and then go home with money and the feeling of security. The problem with ME/CFS is that I don't have the endurance to just go do a job like that. Can you imagine me hammering nails when I can't even find the strength to cook breakfast (I have not eaten yet today...)? What do I have to keep me occupied, build my sense of security, and feel like I can rely on myself to survive? Nothing. I have nothing. Because I have to rely on my husband, and he's not making enough money to build up any savings. We're living paycheck to paycheck. Which, let's be honest, is totally absurd... he has a doctorate and works at a university. But the problem is that inflation is rising and wages are not - he has a great job for pre-pandemic times. I'm on disability, so I do contribute, but I feel like dead weight. He'd be okay in a smaller, cheaper rental without me... I can't help but think these thoughts.  

When people tell me I have so much to live for... well, it's funny, isn't it? If we saw a crippled deer in nature, we'd probably put it out of it's misery, or sit and watch while a predator eats it. When we see crippled humans, what do we do? Some have compassion, but in my experience, most tend to judge them for not contributing to society and making more money. So many people want disabled humans to be some sort of inspiration: "Peggy lives with chronic pain, but that doesn't stop her from being a billionaire, so what's your excuse you lazy bum???" The reality is that "Peggy" was probably born into a wealthy family and already had the means to grow wealth, and odds are she's able to afford the best medical care so that she can work. But no, in my experience, people are so caught up in the rat race that they can't understand anyone not racing hard along side them, no matter what handicaps they have. Why should I have to live to participate in the rat race? I don't want to race. I'd be happy to just exist and share all the love in my heart... but that doesn't make money. I mean, I can find ways to do very purposeful work that pays me some money. $100k per year, though? Even $50k per year? No... I don't have the energy or experience to meet those expectations in a job that would pay that. Money money money money money money money money money... if no one will pay me in money or support me with their money, what do I have to live for? Because it's not actually possible to live with poor health and without money. 

Sitting outside caused me to focus on some issues with my health too:

- My eyes can't focus well. They go in and out of seeing everything through a blur. I don't think it's a vision problem because I am able to see clearly when I have energy. 

- The pollen count is exceptionally high here, and everything is coated in a yellow layer. My allergies are causing me some issues. I've been dealing with rashes, bloody noses, runny nose, eye irritation, lots of coughing and sneezing... do you realize how much energy it takes to deal with allergy symptoms?

- Yesterday I sneezed and caused me to feel an intense stabbing pain near my ovary, and it throbbed for a while after. It made me scream and cry a little. I questioned if I had just ripped something and needed the ER... and how in the world can I afford the ER? That would bankrupt me. There's absolutely no way I could deal with a thousand dollar medical charge. It left me profoundly scared at the idea. I'm not really ok when I'm one medical emergency away from financial disaster. I wondered if it was smart of me to sit outside, which could induce another sneeze...

- I am hitting brick walls more and more often. What I mean is that I'll be doing a task or talking to someone, when suddenly I can't do it more. It's like my body's power supply shuts off and I go dark. There's basically nothing I can do to reboot and continue. I just turn off and wait for my body to recover. 

- Why was my period 6 days late? I had to endure PMDD torture for 6 extra days. Why do I have to live like this? I had 2.5 weeks of PMDD which caused me to hate being in my own skin, and challenged me to get anything done. I can't live like this. 

And so... I wonder... what is my life for? I just want to love and be loved by you. Nothing else really matters. Love is why I want to work. Love is why I want a family. Love is why I want to live my life. Who are the people who understand that the meaning of life is to love? That everything we do, we do for love? Where are you? Because I'm drowning in a culture that thinks how much money you make is more important than how well you love people, even though no job is willing or able to pay more... the wealthy don't work jobs. They were born into wealth and know how to invest it. People who live to earn money in jobs are the poor now. So even if I work to earn money, I'll still be poor. There's no digging myself out of this hole as long as I'm this sick, and if I miraculously heal and start working full time, I'll still be sitting next to the hole, always aware how easy it is fall back down into it. 

The people who I have confided in and care about me the most keep telling me exactly the lyrics of this song (actually, instead of "love yourself" they say "be selfish," but they mean the same thing):

The Boxer Rebellion - Love Yourself 

You told yourself
"I'd write a letter today"
Tell the world that you would hurt yourself
Can't look in a mirror much less anyone else

You try to move on from here
But you look like a ghost alive
You can't think always running in place
A lost soul that won't show his face

But I know you're just someone who's feeling all alone
You're just someone who doesn't seem to know which way to turn
If you just ask for help, if you just ask for help
First thing I'll say is you gotta love yourself

Find it hard to take
Hard to take even the best of praise
A pair of hands that became too tough
A growing armor for whatever they might touch

But I know you're just someone who's feeling all alone
You're just someone who doesn't seem to know which way to turn
If you just ask for help, if you just ask for help
First thing I'll say is you gotta love yourself

And while I completely agree with them.... what I'm feeling is this:

Simon and Garfunkel - El Condor Pasa (If I Could)

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would, mmm hmm

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would, mmm hmm

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would mmm, hmm

I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would

And what I'm seeing in the world today is this attitude... 

Tom Odell - money

(I hope it's understood that this song is a criticism, not an anthem)

Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money
Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money

Walk out the door
Thank the Lord for my Gucci and Dior
We're looking so great
We take, take, take
All we gotta do is

Take another picture of me
Take another picture of me
Take another hit and you'll see
That if you want it, you gotta get mean 'cause
We're just kids climbing up the trees
Just kids climbing up the trees

Walk out the door
Thank the Lord, ain't no time for being poor
We're looking so great
We take, take, take
All we gotta do is

Make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money
Gotta make more, gotta make more
Gotta make more, gotta make more money

Where You Live Matters: ND to SC Move Reflections on my Health

Before moving to South Carolina, I had a lot of stability I took for granted while living in North Dakota. I've lost quite a bit of my health here, and I want to write about what was working for me in ND that I don't have here. I'm hoping my insights can help others find ways to live their best lives in their current situations too. 




1. I had security

I'm listing this first because I think it's foundational. It's extremely difficult to work on health when you're feeling insecure about your home, finances, food, and paying the bills. I lost that security when moving to SC, because our finances and tighter and rent for a decent home is way too expensive. We found a house to rent, but we're questioning if we need to move to the bigger city so that I have access to jobs, healthcare, and food. It's hard for me to unpack and feel at home when it won't be long-term, which makes me feel unsettled. Also, this house is simply not in good condition compared to where I was living in ND, and it causes me some insecurities because I'm not used to worrying about the problems of a house this old. 

In North Dakota we lived in my parent's house while they couldn't live in it, so I never had to worry about losing the home if our finances were not good that month. The house was not perfect, but it was very comfortable and in good condition. Our finances were not great there (which is why my husband needed to find a job elsewhere), but I had no reason to worry about being unable to afford what we really needed. 

The stress of living paycheck to paycheck, reducing standards to make ends meet, being unable to purchase much food that works on my diet nearby, being unable to afford doctors and medical care, living with a higher crime rate than I've ever had to worry about before, and living in a place where traffic accidents and death are very high are all very destabilizing for me. I have a lot of reasons to feel stress here. And stress = illness. 





2. Everything I needed was within a 20 minute drive

Bismarck was a basic medium-sized city of around 80k. It didn't have many amenities of larger cities, and it was a 7 hour drive from any larger city (Fargo was 3 hours away, but Fargo doesn't have much.) It did, however, have enough within a short driving distance. This is very important because it's difficult for me to drive far, and I only drive when I'm feeling strong enough and capable enough. I found a job that worked with my health abilities only 7 minutes away from home. I had access to organic food at my job and through two other stores that were 5 minutes away from home (one was a Natural Grocers, which provided the largest selection.) I had access to a phenomenal acupuncturist only a 12 minute drive away. I had access to MDs as needed, only a 7 minute drive away. I had a walking trail behind my house, so no need to drive to it. I had access to 2 restaurants that made meals I could eat on my diet, both within a 7 minute drive. I had access to the best regenerative beef money could buy through my job and they delivered to a location 5 minutes away from my house. Seriously - everything I needed to live comfortably was close. (Now I did have to travel for specialized medical care - but that's normal for most people.) 

Here in Gaffney, SC... I don't have any of that. I can't find a job that works with my needs. There are 3 grocery store options, and 2 of them don't offer much I can eat. The 3rd is Aldi, which is good on my budget when they have things worth buying, but they don't sell everything I need. I can't rely on them. The farmer's market here is tiny, so while I can buy some things there, I can't rely on to meet my needs. There are no acupuncturists in this town, but if I drive 35 minutes north there's a phenomenal acupuncturist. The problem is he's out of my budget and I can't always safely drive 35 minutes at a time. I typically don't do well driving longer than 15 minutes at a time, unless it's a good day and I took the right pills first. There really aren't any restaurants here that make safe food for me - I can get away with eating at 2 places, but I have to cheat on my diet to eat the meals that are mostly safe. As for medical care? I haven't used the local hospital here, but it's a very small town. 

What this means is that I can't be independent here. My husband has to drive us to the bigger city once a week to go buy food, and the grocery options aren't great either. We found a Fresh Market (holy expensive prices, Batman!) and a Publix (better than anything in Gaffney) within a 35 minute drive of home. The farmer's market was great in the summer, but that doesn't help me in the winter. Fresh Market does sell a lot of things I can eat on my diet, but sheesh, it's going to bankrupt me to shop there. (Numi organic deli meat is $8/pack at Earth Fare, and it's $10.99/ pack at Fresh Market.... I mean, seriously... and all their food is marked up like that.) It's honestly better to drive 1 hour away from home to get to an Earth Fare and Whole Foods, both of which are cheaper (even considering the gas to drive there.) Yes, Whole Foods is cheaper - not joking. Actually Whole Foods isn't that expensive, it's just easy to spend your whole paycheck there because they have so much worth buying! Anyway... I'm alone and isolated here Gaffney, totally reliant on my husband to be able to help me get what we need. 




3. I had a job - a GOOD job 

This one is HUGE. I think I knew it while I was living there and working, but I don't think I realized the full extent of how helpful it was for me. I had a job working in a place that aligned with my needs, values, world view, and health. It paid me some money, even though I couldn't work many hours. Most importantly, it gave me a sense of purpose. I felt like, despite my poor health and inability to do much, it allowed me to feel like I was contributing to society and a better world. It gave meaning to my life. It gave me a community to be part of. It helped me socialize. It allowed me to spend my limited energy in a useful way. These things were super important. SUPER IMPORTANT. 

Being unable to find a job that works with my needs is a huge punch to the gut here. It has caused me a lot of insecurities, depression, despair, and feelings of worthlessness. Poor emotional health makes it very difficult to manage physical health. I lost a lot by moving here. 

I worked for Terry's Health Products in Bismarck. Check them out and support them! Such an amazing small local business, and they will ship! 

4. Family

My family moved back to North Dakota. My husband's family is all in North Dakota. Having family nearby is very important. Family gives community, connection, support, love, hope... family is everything. 

Suddenly being far from family is... lonely. It feels a little like death, in a way. Sure, we have phones, but it's not the same as living nearby and experiencing the same life. 

Mom is so good to me, and so awesome!

5. North Dakota was not as moldy as South Carolina

Mold is a way of life here. It's everywhere I go. The humidity is high, it rains a lot, buildings are old and in poor condition, people aren't educated enough to realize it's a health problem, and the soil itself is moldy. I'm allergic to mold. In fact, mold is one of my root causes of my all health issues (the other was H1N1/ Swine Flu.) I'm literally living a place that's poisonous to me. 

North Dakota weather could lead to mold damage in buildings and homes. Summer humidity could be high, though not as high as here. Excess snow could lead to moisture damage in buildings not prepared for it. The house I was living in did have external mold problems that had to be remediated. I had a mold scare there, but it wasn't as severe as anything here. Not everywhere was moldy in ND. Here pretty much everywhere I go is moldy. 

Kindling Health: Source of Mold - My Reaction (kindlingheatlh.blogspot.com)

6. North Dakota allergens were nothing compared to South Carolina allergens

Okay so I did have some allergy issues in North Dakota - it's an agricultural state that grows a lot of corn and wheat, and I'm allergic to both. That wasn't a problem in the city though. There were a few trees and grasses there that caused me some allergies, but overall I was able to get a handle on my allergies there. Actually it wasn't much of an issue in the last few years. My naturopathic doctor helped me a lot, and my lifestyle changes meant I reacted a lot less to allergens. 

But South Carolina? Wow. The thick yellow layer of pollen on everything was really intense for me. Add that to high humidity, high heat, and bugs EVERYWHERE. So. Many. Bugs. I'm honestly not looking forward to my first spring here... I hate dealing with the bloody noses, excess congestion, itchy eyes, cough and sore throat, hives and rashes... 

Wait, what?: Sept. 12, 2013 (waitwaitwhatwhat.blogspot.com)


7. I had to learn a new place, and the learning curve is exhausting 

When you have ME/CFS, it's really important not to create new stress. I learned Bismarck, and I was able to keep up with changes there. Learning this new town, new region, and new state has been really tiring for me. The little things add up and cause big problems in ME/CFS: poor sense of direction leads to confusion and inability to learn streets, not being able to remember where something was, trying to remember names of all these things places, and so on. Poor cognitive function and memory is a hallmark of ME/CFS - I do a lot better remembering old information than I do retaining new information. I need to invest time into understanding new information, and I need to read about it a lot over time until it becomes solid in my brain. So I just need time to learn this place... 

And then there's learning the culture - the big picture, and all the smaller communities. Gaffney itself is considered "Deep South," which is a culture, not a location. The big towns nearby are not "Deep South," and there's quite an obvious cultural difference. A lot of it makes sense, and a lot of it is new to me... and learning how people here think has been a mental exercise for me. 

Moving to a place where people hit your mailbox with a baseball bat while they drive by. They throw their beer and soda cans into your yard as they drive by. There are no laws against smoking anywhere outside. There's no regulations on the types of vehicles that can drive on roads. It's.... an adjustment. I will never take for granted when people respect each other... 

Derailment... ha!

That derailed. Ha! What happened? Well, I'm now without regular acupuncture treatments and my fatigue and pain is becoming more difficult to manage. My husband took me on a few trips in North Carolina while he was at conferences. I have to do more chores in this house, spending an hour a day washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. My allergies have been kicking my butt. I'm exhausted. I get about 4 hours of usable energy each day, and I feel like my days have only been 4 hours long because I have too much to do. And I haven't even found a job here yet! 

I've been thinking of ways to refine my plan for advertising products I use to manage my illnesses (and just live a healthy life in general.) I wanted to do a big social media campaign along with this blog, but I think it's overwhelming me. So I'll do one step at a time instead of doing all the work all at once. 

One problem I'm having, which was actually a surprise to me, is that Raynaud's is really affecting me. My fingers and toes are going numb for a little while almost every day. It makes it difficult to use the computer or phone. I feel like hot baths are not hot enough to help, and a heating pad on my hands or feet only helps while it's on them. I think my regular acupuncture and chiropractic therapies in North Dakota were keeping this problem at bay. I'm struggling to do that here in South Carolina, because the nearest acupuncture clinic is 30 minutes away and I'm not always capable of driving that far. Especially not regularly. I found a chiropractor in the tiny town I live in, but she's not traditional. I like the results I get from her, but she doesn't actually do physical manipulations. Her method feels good, but I'm still assessing it. 

Also... can I just say that life is stressful? Wow. I think I need to find some purpose before I collapse under the weight of looking for the point of living like this. I'm not afraid of hard work to live. I would be very happy managing a small farm to support myself and barter as needed. I'd be happy being self-sustaining. I'm afraid of working hard and not benefiting from it. Working a mind-numbing job that I don't agree with for $10/hr, just to pay inflated rent? I wasn't built to mentally survive those types of conditions. I'm built to make the world a better place for a wage that can sustain me. I'm too old to go back to minimum-wage high school level jobs. So I've been considering getting a degree or certification so I can qualify to work at home in a decent job. The problem is that I'm already in too much debt to take out more. I'm also genuinely unsure if I can handle it with my health like this. And I need money now, not later. It's certainly a conundrum...  

Anyway, I want to try this project. Even if I can't make much money, I want to be a source of information for people. Educating gives me purpose. So I'm going to simplify my approach... here we go!

Value of Life vs Medical Costs

I'm drinking Numi's Gunpowder Green Tea with Vital Protein's Coconut Collagen Creamer and Redmond Real Salt and doing some reflecting before heading to my post-operation appointment with my gynecologist.

What is the monetary value of quality of life for a person with chronic illness who lives in a first world country with access to excellent doctors? Is it worth paying $14,000 for a medical surgery that might give a ton of pain relief, may result in fewer sick days at work, possibly improve fertility, and has potential to make a person feel human again? $14,000 could buy a year of college, a good reliable car for the long-term, a down payment on a small starter home, or a new roof for your home that will last long-term. What if I told you this surgery might only benefit the person for a couple of years at a time? Is short term quality of life (that isn't guaranteed) worth $14,000, when that money could buy long term services or possessions that also give quality of life?

Yes, my laprascopic surgery for endometriosis and my cardiology visit added up to $14,000. That's before my uninsured discount and my cost-sharing program benefits. My next step, after I wake up and am thinking clearly enough, is to make some phone calls about this bill.

In 2 years I can give an answer to this question, because I've been told people with endometriosis can need surgery as often as every 2 years. It's too soon for me to say if it's benefited me at all yet, given the fact that I'm still healing and my period hasn't yet come. The problem is, I wasn't aware that I was gambling with this much money when I agreed to the surgery. I was told that surgery was around $2,000. That turned out to be true. What I wasn't told was that I would pay $750 for each of the 3 anesthesia treatments I needed during the surgery, $7,000 just to be in the operating room, and lots of other charges for the staff that helped me in different parts of the hospital. If I dug deeper I'm sure I'll find the charges for the multiple IVs I needed, the time I spent in the recovery room, etc. Had I known the cost before surgery, would I have opted to do it? Probably, yes. It's a gamble, a bigger one than I anticipated, but I believe one worth taking.

The older I get, the less confident I am. Endometriosis has definitely been holding me back from living my life. I didn't want to apply for certain jobs because I knew I couldn't get away with calling in sick for my period in that position. I have had to fight some bosses over my needs around my period for years, and this has lost me the chance to get scheduled for better shifts or in better positions. And due to all of my health issues, I've never been able to focus on a career. I'm 30 with a college degree and I'm still doing shift work. It's not below me. I have a lot of respect for us shift workers. I'm paid well, I like my job, I like my co-workers and boss. I'm not complaining. But if not for endometriosis and my other health issues, would I have a career going by now? And given the fact that I don't make a salary, am I worth a $14,000 surgery?

I received my GED at age 16, married at age 19, and graduated college at 20. I was set up so well for a life with a good career and children. 10 years later, none of that has happened. My husband and I are happy together, but we're both very stressed by money, careers, health issues, and living within our needs. His career is very difficult because it's facing budget cuts at every turn, and his Master's degree isn't enough, but a doctorate doesn't guarantee a job. So am I worth a $14,000 surgery when we have these huge struggles? Would I be financially better off not getting medical treatment at all, and therefore not working? I could save money by just being disabled at home, not contributing to the work force. But I would be miserable. Is being miserable financially smarter, and could it lead my husband to more happiness if he didn't have to work as hard to afford me, someone who can't work much?

Don't misinterpret this post -

I'm not degrading myself. I'm not putting myself down. I believe I made the right choice. If I were evaluating another person in my situation, I would say that we each only get one life to live and all life is equal. Everyone deserves to live life in the healthiest way they can so that they can participate in life the most fully. I might have self esteem and confidence issues, but I know my value is the same as any other person. I carefully considered the pros and cons of this surgery over years. I've talked to countless people who have had it done. I've discussed with multiple doctors. It was a carefully made decision.

But what upsets me isn't that I have to spend this kind of my money for my health, it's that many people simply cannot afford the surgery or treatment and have no choice but to suffer. Why do I get to have the surgery to help me when others might suffer worse than me and can't have the surgery? I accept that the medial system is the way it is in the USA - I am all for improving it, but I can't afford the stress to worry about it. So I'm not. It simply is what it is, and until something can be done to improve it, I just accept what it is. I'm thankful for the good the medical system can do me, and my doctors and all the staff and nurses were excellent and I really appreciate all they did for me. But in the end, what makes me special?

Just some of my thoughts, but I hope my experience helps some of you make the right decision for you. After this Post-Op appointment I'll write about the surgery experience itself. 

Admitting the Problems

I want to write, but I'm not feeling focused at all. I've decided to let this post be my outlet of complaints about my struggles, but I don't want it to just be about me. Leave me comments, either here, Facebook, or Google+. Let's all pitch in and share our struggles. Sometimes what we need more than anything else is affirmations from others that what we are going through is horrible - that chronic illness and poor health is miserable and we all struggle with it uniquely. So please, join with me. Let's vent. I want to hear your struggles too!


1. Tea/ Caffeine. I LOVE green tea. I would drink it exclusively throughout the day if I could. The problem is, I'm very sensitive to caffeine. One mug of green tea is all I need to carry me through a 4-5 hour shift at work as if I'm a normal human being without chronic fatigue. If I drank a cup every day, like I want to, my adrenals would never heal, I'd never be able to truly rest, and I'd probably struggle even more with sleep. So I have to drink Yogi's organic decaf green tea on days that I don't work. It tastes half as good, and I know it's not as good for me. :(


2. PMS. I've rarely had mood problems with PMS my whole life. I would get horrible acne, bloating, sugar cravings, and inflammation, but my mood wasn't affected much outside of making me tired. The last two months have been totally opposite for me. It was PMS from hell both months. I found myself so angry for no reason that I couldn't hold a light conversation with people. I was raging in my dreams to the point that my anger woke me up in tears. I couldn't enjoy doing anything. Everything I did, even things I normally love, irritated the heck out of me. It wasn't possible to be me. I've had very little acne on my face, but weirdly, I've been getting it on my arms and legs. I was bloating a lot, but mostly in my breasts and not my gut - ouch! Last month my sugar cravings were really hard to combat, but this month I didn't have cravings at all. My body has become horribly unpredictable. Hormones! I never used to respect them since I didn't understand them, now I have a ton of respect for them since I understand their power.


3. Money. Yes, money. If we had enough, my problems could be solved. I wouldn't have to work, I could spend a lot more on treatments, I wouldn't feel constant suppressing damaging stress, we could buy a house without any MCS triggers, I could get away from the city and order all of my groceries online to be delivered, I could build a garden and raise a couple of cows for my meat, I could... wait. I'm just dreaming now. But seriously, MONEY. It's the reason I have to work, which definitely is ruining my ability to heal. It's the reason for 90% of my stress, which preventing me from healing. But what can I do when I don't qualify for disability (it's way too expensive to even try anyway)?


4. Responsibility. Responsibility outside of making money, that is. I'm really struggling to keep up. For instance, I failed to remember to renew my truck's registration and I was expired for about a month. I can hardly keep up with house cleaning. My poor birds didn't have clean cages for about 2 weeks. It's just too much for me! I'm not joking when I tell people I need a few days of doing nothing. I just can't create the energy to spend on everything that needs work. I give about 80% of my energy to my job, and the rest of my energy I need for cooking and buying food.

Staying on this topic, I just want to lament a bit. When I was in college I had no trouble at all staying on top of homework and classes, even as a full time student with a part time job. I even had the energy to survive all of this and go through a very rough and depressing break-up. I had the energy to get married and be a full time student with a part time job. And hang out with friends. And play video games. I was normal, and I thought nothing of it. Today, this would be impossible. I'd be in the hospital from being overspent after just one day. My life is behind me - what I'm experiencing now hardly feels like "me" at all.


5. The realization that I still don't fit in with the world. When I started working again a few months ago, I had the strong attitude of "I will do this on my terms." I didn't really have a choice, it was either on my terms or not at all, because I would get very sick if I did it any other way. I've never been like this before. Those of you who have worked with me before I broke down and got sick will remember that I was always flexible, open to change, responded very well to rules and orders, and willing to do whatever it took. My natural personality says to still be this way, but I can't be. I must protect my health at all costs. So getting "my way" means clashing with others. It means being demanding, controlling, and resistant. I hate being this way. It's not "me." I create a lot of stress from trying to always stay in control of every situation.


6. The realization that I'm not in control of my situation. I really need control in order to protect my health, but the truth is that I have very little. Customers reeking of perfume or cigarette smoke still walk in the door at work. The smoke in the air from the wild fires out west are hard on my health, but it also traps perfumes and laundry fragrances in the air, making the air quality outside especially hazardous for me. I don't always have access to the food I need, and my needs are specific. My body does what it wants to even when I do everything right. I can get hit with fatigue even after lots of rest and eating and supplementing perfectly. My PMS can be out of control even when I didn't change anything. My legs can cramp up without provocation. I'm not in control at all. I'm constantly responding to every situation to make it as good as possible.


7. I don't even know what I love to do anymore. If I had energy, I would love to sew my own clothes again. If I had energy, I would love to finish writing a novel I've started. If I had energy, I would work out every day and create a rockin' body. If I had energy, I'd probably become a Faith Formation teacher at church. If I had energy, I'd love to maintain a big garden. If I had energy, I'd probably go back to school to become a health coach. If I had energy, I'd work more so my husband could work less. If I had money and energy, I'd travel a lot more often with my husband. But since I don't have energy and money, what do I love to do? I know that I love to lose myself in a great story, whether it's a book, manga, video game, TV show, movie... whatever. But that's not exactly doing. What do I love to do with the energy I do have? I don't know. I'm bored pretty often, but I just accept it and play video games, because frankly, I'm struggling to change it. I'm struggling to find the energy to actually do. I've already given up on my great life goal: having and raising children. When will this ever happen? My husband and I are getting older, and I see years of recovery ahead of me.


Okay, your turn!

Product Review: Safety Razor

And now for the post that several of you have been requesting for a while: A review of my new safety razor!

Let me begin this post by advising you not to try taking a pack of razor blades for your safety razor through airport security. You can imagine how that went for me. ;)

In looking for ways to reduce my use of plastic, I figured there must be a great solution to disposing my plastic Venus 5 blade razors every few weeks. I'm not the type to wax or have my hair removed with a lazer because both options are expensive and questionable. I've tried the fine sandpaper pads that rub away hair on your skin. They work very well for my upper lip hair, but not so great anywhere else on my body. I knew I needed to stick with shaving. Not knowing much of anything about safety razors, I decided to purchase one anyway.

I went to Amazon.com and searched for one. As it turned out, the price range was huge. I could spend anywhere from $15-200! After some research I found out the more expensive ones were made of true stainless steel. The cheaper ones are made with metals that resemble stainless steel. Knowing how safe, durable, and reliable true stainless steel is, I figured getting one was the way to go. I really couldn't be sure that the cheaper fake stainless steel kinds would stand the test of time. I was also concerned about rust. Well, as it turned out, the reviews on the fake stainless kind were so positive, that I simply couldn't justify spending an extra $80 for true stainless steel. So I ended up getting this one: SimplyBeautiful Double Edge Long Handled Safety Razor - Chrome Finish.



I paid $15 for this, and it's lasted me about 3 months so far. It's heavy and feels very solid. It's not having any trouble with rust yet. It's very easy to safely take apart and put back together. As of right now, I don't see any reason to spend the extra money to get a real stainless steel one. My concern is that this one will break down over time and start to have problems, but only time will tell. If that happens, then I will invest a true stainless steel one.

For another $10 I bought a pack of 100 double edge razor blades. What I'm finding is that I get about 6-7 shaves out of each blade. I could probably risk it and get more shaves per blade, but since the blades are so cheap, I'd rather not risk nicking myself with a well used blade that could have rust I didn't notice. So, I'm essentially spending 10 cents per 6 shaves (not counting the cost of the razor, which will last years and years and years, and it was only $15.) The plastic 5 blade Venus razors I have been using for years cost about $4 per 5-6 shaves. MAJOR SAVINGS!  The safety razor is so much cheaper, uses no plastic whatsoever, and, believe it or not, shaves way better!

Enough about which one I bought. Does it work?

Yes, it works very well IF I'm careful. Careful is the key word here. I cut myself in multiple places the first 7 or 8 times I shaved with it. I was beginning to question if it was the right type of razor for me, but I stuck to my anti-plastic conventions and kept working on mastering my safety razor. With a bit more practice, I started to figure out how to shave without cutting myself. I'll share tips with you later in this post. Once I got the hang of it, I fell in love with it. It shaves closer than the 5 blade Venus razors I was using. This single blade is able to get right on top of the skin and cut as close as possible, whereas I think using 5 blades in the Venus Razors actually kept the blades higher off my skin and caused more irritation. I'm finding that I'm shaving less often and my skin is softer with less redness or bumps, especially in my arm pits!

This is what I've learned in order to avoid cutting myself:

- Always exfoliate the skin first. I use a natural loofah and scrub my legs and arm pits well first. Any loose dead skin can disrupt the blade, pull at your skin, and leave you bleeding.

- Do not dry shave with it. Use a lubricant, whether you prefer soap or shaving lotion. I personally find that my favorite way to shave is in a bubble bath (using the very soft and moisturizing Every Day Shae Bubble Bath.) This lets my pores open up and skin soften. It also allows me to go slow and methodically. This eliminates the need for a longer shower or using messy creams outside of the shower or bath. The bubble bath leaves my skin baby soft too!

- Do not put pressure on the razor! Use the natural weight of the razor against your skin. I do this by holding the end of the handle from the top with my thumb, index, and middle finger. It's hard to create pressure when you're holding the handle gently.

- Go slow and steady, using one long stroke. I got into a bad habit of trying to shave quickly with my Venus razors, getting each stroke done as fast as possible, then going back over the areas that were still fuzzy in small quick strokes. I cannot do that with my safety razor, but I find that I get each stroke right the first time with this razor.

- Always shave against the grain. Sometimes the grain isn't up or down, but it's side to side. I have better luck getting the closest possible shave on my shins by going from side to side. Yes, this takes longer, but it works better for me.

- Use both sides of the blade. I get one stroke per side, then I rinse the blade in the bath water before starting again.

- Take the razor apart after each use. Wipe each part down and let it dry. This not only keeps it clean and sanitary, it also prevents rust (if rust is even an issue - I don't know.)

(Note: It might sound strange that I shave in a bath, because it means I'm sitting in water with tons of small hairs in it. I'm not bothered by this, and I've not noticed that I end up with lots of small hairs on me after my baths. I usually do rinse the soap off of me in the shower after the bath, which would take care of that problem if it exists. Also, and I will write a post about this, I wash my hair in that bubble bath. I find it's more effective than any shampoo I've used. I start my bath by soaking my hair for a while, then I shave without my hair in the water, then I rinse in the shower. It saves water for me, and I get more benefits from getting to soak in the heat.)

Conclusion:
I highly recommend switching to a safety razor! It's substantially cheaper, much more environmentally friendly, much healthier as it's free of synthetic chemicals, and does a much better job! Yes, there is a learning curve, and yes, you can cut yourself much more easily with it. Mastering the razor isn't difficult, and it is worth the benefits.





Bonus Review:
Back to my tip on not trying to travel with the blades for your safety razor.
What are you supposed to do while traveling? Well, in this case, waxing might be the better solution (depending on how long you'll be away.) What I did on my last trip was go to Whole Foods and buy a Preserve brand razor. You can buy these online too. They are made from recycled Stonyfield Yogurt cups. Even though the razor is made from recycled plastic, it's still plastic. There is no guarantee that the razor will get recycled again at your recycling factory. This could easily mean that those Stonyfield cups just take longer to end up in the land fill. Do not be fooled into thinking that recycled plastic is a great alternative to plastic - it's only a slightly better alternative. Thankfully, it's designed so that you get a long life out of the handle by being able to replace the blade heads.

The Preserve razor has 3 blades, and the blade head is very narrow. I found that it worked well for a non-safety razor. It shaves about as close as my Venus razors. It's comfortable to hold and work with, but can hurt if you use too much pressure. Venus blades are padded with Olay moisture strips, these are not. The edge of the blade head hurts if you use too much pressure.

It did the job well enough for me on my last trip. I'm keeping it as my travel razor. The replacement blade heads are cheaper than replacement heads for Venus razors, and since they're just as effective, I might as well save the money!

Questions you should really be asking about your food.

The more I learn about food, the more interested I am about it. Where most people couldn't care less about seeing the cow they're planning to eat (or that even grosses them out,) I find it really fascinating and satisfying. Have you seen the Portlandia skit about the couple in a restaurant who won't order the chicken until they meet it?

No, I'm not that extreme! Ha! I don't need to know the animal's name or if it was the type to put its wing around it's buddy's shoulder. I am, however, very interested in knowing most of the other questions this couple asked. Is it local? Is it organic? How was it fed? What was it fed? Who is the farmer? These questions are very important. Most consumers just want to enjoy their food. They don't care what the meat's history is. I used to be that way too. I ate for enjoyment and comfort, not for health and nourishment. The more I became aware of how food affects the body in either a positive or negative way, and the more I learned about how food is medicinal, the more I found out just how important these questions actually are. I now eat to maintain my heath, not for taste. Real food actually tastes better, makes me feel better, and makes me less sick. Naturally, I don't want to get sick again, so these questions remain very important to me.

Is it local / Who is the farmer? That's a great starting question. When it's local you save money because you're not paying for this shipping costs. You also support the local economy, helping small businesses in your area succeed. Furthermore, when it's local you can go and meet the farmer, even make special requests! You can rest easy knowing exactly how your food is raised. You no longer have to wonder things such as, "Did the company spray glyphosate on this?" When you understand that many common farming practices makes food very toxic, you really want to know if those toxins are in your food. You want control over your body and your health, don't you?


Is it organic? The certification will help answer a lot of questions right away. It means the food is not GMO, does not have glyphosate (Monsanto's patented pesticide made specifically for their GMO crops) intentionally sprayed on it, and has a good nutritional content. If something is certified organic it isn't necessarily the healthiest option, but it's always a better option than non-organic. When it comes to meat, we can't be sure that "organic" means well-raised, though, which is why the next questions are more important.

How was it fed? The way animals are raised substantially impacts the quality of the meat. When animals are caged and don't get to move around, they don't develop properly, and this ends up meaning the meat is not only less nutritious, but unhealthy for us. The meat is fattier, more acidic, more toxic (because the toxic were not exercised out,) and less flavorful. Just look at what exercise does for the human body. It's the same in animals! Would you want to eat an animal that has been so sedentary its whole life that its brittle nutrient deficient bones break from the sheer weigh of the body? Well, that type of chicken meat is most common. Mother Earth News did a fairly indepth study on free-range vs caged chickens and eggs. I think the photos in this news story do a good job of showing why cows are healthier to eat when they've been pasture-raised.

What was it fed? This question couldn't be more important. It is more important than whether the meat is organic or not. Let's look at humans first: if a human spends their life eating only sugar and wheat flour, how healthy do you think he'll be? Probably very obese with multiple health issues, such as diabetes, autoimmune diseases, heart disease, severe psychological damage, and more. Would you want to eat an animal that also had all these heath problems because of the way it ate its entire life? Well, if you're a meat eater, you already do on a regular basis. If you want a good introduction to how sick feedlot cows are, I highly recommend either watching or reading Food Inc. Another very insightful documentary is King Corn. What you'll learn is that cows are not actually capable of digesting grain, but feedlots feed cows grain because it's cheaper and it fattens the cow faster. Farmers are actually trained to surgically remove stomach ulcers from cows that formed from trying to digest corn. There's another major consideration about what the animal was fed. We eat what the animal ate. If the cow was fed corn, candy bars, and garbage its whole life (and yes, that does happen more often than you want to know,) the meat is going to made of nutrients from corn, candy bars, and garbage. If the cow was fed grass its whole life, which is what cows are naturally designed to eat, we eat the nutrients from the grass. Grass is loaded with nutrients, because it pulls nutrition directly from the soil that the cows personally cultivate by walking on it and pooping on it (sustainability!) Humans cannot digest grass, so we get the nutrients from it by eating the animal that ate the grass. Important stuff - there's great reading material out there.




I typed this while I enjoyed a wild-caught sustainable salmon steak with an organic lemon, after just picking up the half grass-fed cow we just bought from a local farmer for half the price per pound of the grass-fed meat from the local grocery store. Good times.

New Years Resolutions

I'm not a typically a big fan of making New Years resolutions. They're usually overly positive and optimistic, but not practical or meaningful. They tend to cause us to guilt trip ourselves, and then later we beat ourselves up for failing. Most people fail at keeping New Years resolutions to some degree. I haven't made any in the past few years because I always have a goal of trying to better myself, no matter the time of year. This year, however, the beginning of the year lines up with my body's improving health. It's actually a good time for me to adopt new habits now that I have a bit more energy and mental clarity. So, what are my resolutions?

1. Make exercise a bigger priority. My doctor wants me doing 45 minutes of cardio a day. This past year I did work out regularly, but not consistently and not as hard as I needed to. I normally got at least 10 minutes of cardio in a day, on top of doing chores/ moving around purposefully. I rarely ever worked out for more than 30 minutes at a time - I rarely had the strength. While this was way better than in past years (where I had no exercise routine,) I need to try and do better, especially since I do have more energy and strength now. Small steps. I want to turn that "at least 10 minutes" into "at least 15 minutes," and I want to aim for 30-45 minute work out sessions at least twice a week (I will use my YMCA membership to ensure this.)

2. I want to make money. Somehow, someway. I want to financially contribute to our household again. I have been pursuing job opportunities in the past couple of months, but so far nothing has worked out because I either get sick inside the business (MCS issues,) or the stores that I seem to do well in are not hiring. I will not, however, take a job at a place that will make me sick. It isn't worth making a bit of money at the cost of my heath, which I've been working so very hard on repairing during the past year. (On this note - no, I have not abandoned my Zazzle shop. I will start working on it again in January. This month has been too distracting, and Zazzle isn't profitable enough to make a priority.)

3. Try to reduce our food budget without compromising the quality of the food we eat. This is a major challenge in North Dakota. It's difficult to grow food here because the weather makes for poor growing conditions during the majority of the year (unless you grow grains.) While I won't expect to be able to grow enough of my own food, there is another way to reduce our food budget, and we've already started. We bought half of a grass-fed local cow! My goal is to buy my meat directly from the ranchers from now on, because the price per pound of the beef is half that of grass-fed meat at the grocery store. I want to buy turkey, lamb, and chicken next.

4. As I need new clothes over the next year, I want to only purchase natural clothing. This is part of my goal to create the least toxic environment I can. I want to eventually (this will take years) have a wardrobe of only organic cotton, linen, hemp, wool, and real bamboo (not rayon.) My hope is that all these clothes will be free from additives of flame retardants and stiffeners, but my budget won't allow me to only buy from companies that promise no chemical additives (they're expensive!)


Small, obtainable goals, right? I think I can do these. I don't want 2015 to be a repeat of 2014, in which I spent the entire year (I'm not exaggerating here) focusing on healing. At the end of last year year I was hardly alive at all - I was horribly sick. I would say there were days where I was only 10% alive. Maybe even less. I would say I'm about 60% alive, on average, these days. I'm no longer a zombie. I feel human most days now, though a tired and weak human. I think it's time to start acting like a human again and try to rejoin society, even if just a little. I'm pretty sure I have the strength and energy to do it, as long as I don't push myself.

So, here's to a new year! Welcome, 2015!

The Importance of Inspiration

Chronically ill people have it rough. First, they're in pain and suffering. Second, their brains don't work as well as they used to. Third, people around them typically don't believe them and may even assume they're hypochondriacs. Fourth, it's hard for them to find the energy to fight to get their life back.

Finding inspiration to fight to get my life back was very important in my healing process. At first, when I finally collapsed from sickness last fall, nothing mattered. I was so deprived of energy that I couldn't think well enough to gain inspiration. The only things on my mind were: fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, arthritis, aching joints, and pain. Lots of pain, and no energy. All I had was raw willpower. It was all that got me out of bed to eat, go to the bathroom, and stay alive.

My first wave of inspiration came from my parents when they invited me out to to their state to see a doctor who came highly recommended by a friend who suffered similar issues to me. Someone else had recovered from fibromyalgia and was able to work a full-time job? This doctor actually understands fibromyalgia and successfully treated someone? The hope this gave me helped me get on a plane and travel - I didn't know I had it in me to travel. After meeting the doctor, I was even more hopeful. Being a naturopathic doctor, he treats differently from conventional western medicine. His regimen for me didn't include drugs, but did include a lot of effort on my part. I was willing to take the challenge. I had hope, and I was very inspired by my parent's friend who got better.

After a few months of the regimen, I was feeling better enough to start enjoying myself, even when I was too lazy to move. I couldn't manage to read books - that took too much brain power. I would read a sentence over and over before I finally was able to form the image in my head - if an image came at all. I decided to try something much more simple: graphic novels. I found many of them were still way too heavy, so I went even more simple: manga. As a kid, I was obsessed with Sailor Moon - the cartoon. I loved it to no end. I never had the chance to read much of the manga it was based on, though. Coincidentally, the manga series was being re-released with a new translation that same month that I was looking for a manga to read. Inspiration! I got a hold of both box sets and dug in.

I found myself absorbing the story in Sailor Moon, easy as drinking a milkshake. It was easy to read, easy to follow, and highly enjoyable. For the first time in a long time (maybe a year?) I was really enjoying reading (and I've always been in love with books - you should see the library in our living room.) It could just be that I really wanted to read it. I was actually excited about something. It could also be that it was actually easy to read. Either way, I found a way to really enjoy myself while laying in bed in pain. Better yet, the story of Sailor Moon was inspiring. I could write a whole dissertation on the brilliance of the story (the children's anime was very loosely based on the original manga, which were not written for little kids as they contain mature subject matter - it's Harry Potter quality in that all ages can really dig into the rich vibrant story with lots of morals and messages.) In particular, I was inspired by one character: Hotaru. Her life was miserable - way worse than mine. Her house burned down and killed her mother. She was also almost killed, but her father made a deal with an evil entity in order to save their lives. Hotaru was turned into a cyborg in order to stay alive, though was in poor health all the time, and her father had to do this evil entity's will. Hotaru, though, had a greater purpose than to barely stay alive with the help of machines. She was a Sailor Soldier - a mythological goddess reborn on earth as a human in order to fulfill her soldier's mission. She had to find a way to fight the illness, break free of the machine, and save the world - essentially. Her spirit led the way to her recovery, and things eventually worked out - though there was a lot of pain and suffering first. I won't spoil. I needed a story like that. Fictional or not - super hero or not - it was inspiring. I too had a more important mission in life that I needed fulfill. I took my supplements, ate my diet, and continued to do my pathetic little work outs with a renewed sense of importance and vigor.

I found myself drawn to more manga stories with inspiring messages of hope and purpose. Within the past year, I've read and really enjoyed Legend of Basara, Vinland Saga, From Far Away, A Bride's Story, and Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. Each of these stories were about characters who stepped up to take on a higher purpose, finding the wisdom, strength, and inspiration to succeed.

A few months ago, I attempted to read a novel again. No pictures to do the imagining for me - an actual novel with only words to tell the story. I picked up Donita K Paul's latest book, One Realm Beyond. I loved her other series, Dragon Keeper Chronicles.  It was slow going at first, but I managed the first chapter. It was tiring to read - it really wore me out. I read the next chapter the next night. Eventually, after a few months, I did finish the whole book and LOVED it. It was a slow read, but I did read, and it was so worth it! I renewed my hope with this book!

In the mean time, I was also attempting to take on video games again. I've always been a big gamer. I'm a nerd, and I have no shame. There was no way I could handle action, platform, or any type of game that involved getting my adrenaline up. Anything with a timer was off-limits. I didn't have the energy, but I also didn't want to ruin all the work I've been doing to heal my adrenal glands. I pulled out my Nintendo DS and played Pokemon in bed. Great games, for the record. They let me rest while giving my brain something to work on. Recently, I decided to replay an old computer game of mine: The Longest Journey. It's an adventure game, meaning it operates under a "point-and-click" system. You can't die, nothing is timed, and the point is to work your way though a story by solving puzzles in order to move forward. Simple, but a great story line and a system that kept my brain working. This game also gave me a renewed sense of inspiration. The main character, April Ryan, is an 18-year-old girl art student at a college who is living paycheck-to-paycheck and doesn't know what to do with her life. She slowly uncovers that she has a special destiny to give up her life for 1,000 years in order to keep the balance of both worlds. Sounds cheesy when I put it that simply! Anyway, I had to navigate this young girl through a gigantic crisis of the worlds until she could fulfill her purpose in life. This girl, with seemingly no hope to make a good successful life for herself, ended up being a hero that the worlds praised through stories for the rest of history. Totally beyond the realm of my possibilities for my life - but getting to play a girl who struggles greatly in order to achieve a higher purpose is very satisfying. It definitely inspired me to fight for my higher purpose. I can't believe that that my higher purpose is to remain sick forever.

I love stories. They're my favorite form of entertainment. I play video games for the story. I read books and graphic novels for the stories. I watch movies for the story. If it doesn't have a good story,  I'm unlikely to care about it. So for me, finding these stories, no matter the medium they came in, was the best way for me to find inspiration and hope.

This inspiration and hope motivated me to stick carefully and diligently to my doctor's difficult regimen. It got me out the door and into the YMCA for work outs. It kept me away from temptations that I know will poison me, like too much chocolate. It got me to go out with friends every so often and pretend I was well. It got me to take on necessary house repair projects. It got me to work harder on being a good wife to my husband instead of a pile of skin and bones he felt obligated to care for. It got me to feel better. It's the reason I worked so hard on getting my life back, and I'm half-way there!

In the past month, the need for money is my newest source of inspiration. I've been trying to refocus my slightly higher levels of energy onto projects that will make money. I've graduated from resting in bed most of the time to actually being up and around the house most of the time, so it seems right that my entertainment graduates to a new level too. One of those projects has been looking for a job in town that won't make me sick. Another project has been starting a Zazzle shop. It's giving me the need to get back into drawing and designing, something I used to love to do. I don't have much up right now (one of my two designs was removed for being too similar to something copyrighted - oops!) I am, however, working on more and will build up my items for sale soon. Please support me by checking out my shop: http://www.zazzle.com/paper_constructions*

I encourage you to never give up. Please remember what you used to love to do, and find a way to involve yourself in those things. Find inspiration. Renew your vision of a good future for yourself. Give yourself purpose again. Don't remain a slave to your chronic illness. You CAN do this. Mental willpower and prayer (lots and lots of prayer!) are more powerful than any drug on the market. If I could work my way out of the hardest health slump of my life, you can too.

How do I make money while suffering medical issues?

The past 2 1/2 years have been a rough, long, and unfortunate journey for me. We moved from Idaho to North Dakota 2 1/2 years ago, because my husband was offered a great job and we had a very affordable place to move in to here. The move was extremely stressful on me - I never had so much anxiety in my life! I needed several months to relax and recover before I found a job and started working. I was exhausted from working 50 hrs a week between two hard jobs in Idaho, and the move took every ounce of energy I had left. When I finally took a job, it was an oddly relaxing job. I worked as a church secretary for 30 hours a week. Back then I knew I didn't have it in me to work full time, so the lighter hours appealed to me. The job was not stressful in the least. I enjoyed creating the weekly bulletins, registering new members into the church, working with all the Faith Formation students, creating posters... it was not a draining job by any means. I liked it, and I loved that I was working for the church. Despite this, my health steadily became worse and worse while working there. At first I was just tired all the time, making all sorts of stupid mistakes and stumbling over my words. Then both of my hands, one after the other, swelled up and became unusable. Then I started to get the general feeling of being "unwell," and shortly after that I started to feel unwell every day, all the time. Eventually, I could hardly stay awake in the mornings at my job. My brain fog was so extreme that I couldn't remember the names of regular visitors. I couldn't look people in the eye when talking to them because I was too tired to keep focus. I kept working, even though I kept growing worse. I had been seeing all sorts of doctors in town, racking up some absurdly expensive medical bills (and received no help from them.) After flying out to see my naturopathic doctor for the first time and finally gaining answers and hope, I came home and quit my job. The regime he put me on needed full-time dedication, and I needed a lot of rest too. It's been a year, almost to the day, since I quit. I've been willingly unemployed every since, allowing my body to heal.

I'm doing a lot better now, but I'm not healthy. I have a ways to go. I'm better enough that I feel I can manage working 10-15 hours a week, for now, to help bring in income to pay our bills. And so, I'm currently in the process of looking for ways to make money. This is a challenging process. I have no lack of jobs to choose from here in ND - there are way more jobs than workers! I could have any job I wanted if I were healthy. My health is the challenge.

At first, I thought I should take my old job back at the natural foods department in the local grocery store. I worked there for 2 years about 7 years ago, so the learning curve would be minimal and the work would be simple enough. I figured it would be a good fit for me. My only concern was MCS reactions, because the store isn't that clean. I thought that a dirty environment would be a lot safer than a clean environment where toxic chemicals are regularly sprayed. Well, that plan got shot down, quickly. I waited a week too long to offer myself to the job. They hired a full time person the week before, which is what they really wanted anyway. Dang!!

So what was next? My husband is a piano teacher, and he told me his student's mom was asking for help at her store. One thing led to another, and I decided to attempt working in her store. It was a bridal store, which intrigued me. I should not have accepted the job at the interview, though. I was feeling a bit sick just being in the store for that hour. She had Air Wick fragrances plugged into many outlets around the store, which caused me to react the moment I walked in, like a brick wall. I didn't understand how sever my sensitivity was, though. I thought that if that was the worst I'd react, maybe I could tolerate the job for 15 hours a week. The job was appealing because of the relaxed, slow atmosphere, and I thought it would be worth minor reactions if it meant the job would otherwise work well for me based on my other medical issues. After 4 hours of my first day of work, I had to quit. I was in serious pain. I had no idea I would react that harshly. At first my heart was palpating, then I had burning eyes and throat, then I felt a bit nauseous, then the fatigue was taking over, and then I lost all focus. Brain fog. After I got home, I started to feel the old fibromyalgia type pain: muscle cramping, electrical-like pain flowing through my muscles, dull aching, and tenderness. This was a week and two days ago. I'm still recovering.

I now know that I have to be very picky about where I work. There is one store in town that I think would work from an MCS point of view, but I have the feeling it may not work for other reasons. The idea of applying there is simmering on the back burner. It may be my back-up plan. So I've been monitoring job postings this week, keeping my eyes open for something that may work well for me.

Yesterday I applied for a job that sounds perfect for me in every way except from an MCS viewpoint. I thought, however, that it would be easy to make reasonable accommodations for me. The job would be administering tests on computers. I'd check test-takers in, answer their questions, and make sure they don't cheat. I would also do the basic cleaning as no janitors are hired. That, to me, sounded perfect. If I can have a say in the types of cleaners used, then I could use non-toxic products that would be safe for me! Perfect fit, right? Besides, the pay and the hours are great. Definitely very interested. I just had a phone interview for the job, and I was very open and honest about my MCS trouble. I thought I sold myself very well, because I have quality experience in administering tests and I can be very quite for hours with ease, but the the interviewer kept saying, "I don't think this will work for you." She explained that the company cannot change out the types of cleaners they use. The company buys cleaners in bulk, then distributes them to all the branches around the country. They will make no change for one employee. I even offered to bring in my own cleaners, but she said they may not be approved. She did, however, promise to ask around and see if it's possible for me to use my own cleaners, and she will call call me back later this week with an answer. I have hope that they're willing to work with me - afterall, Bismarck is lacking workers, right?

This was a great learning experience for me, even if I don't get offered the job. I now have a better idea of how hard it may be for a company to make reasonable accommodations for me. In some situations, yes, employers legally have to make reasonable accommodations for employees. I need to be an employee first.

I should probably try to make money online. I have a few ideas for how, and I'm pretty sure they would do well. The first problem is that making online income requires a ton of work. More work than I have the energy for. The other problem is that it always takes a long time before making any money from any online business. It could take months, or longer! If I could find the right job in town, it would not only be easier, but I could potentially make more money more quickly.

So where do I go from here? Maybe I should go apply at that one place that's simmering on the back burner. It might be worth being in an MCS trigger-free environment, even if the other aspects of the job could be slightly troublesome.

I'm open to suggestions or tips! If I do find a job that works well for me, I'll be sure to report it in hope that I help others with MCS who need to make money.