Resurrection / A New Hope

Hello blog!! Yes, I moved. Yes, I have written about it. No, I have not published what I have written. That's not what I want to write about here. I'm not ready to go public about the moving experience yet. 

I moved back to North Dakota 2 months ago. It wasn't possible to stay in SC because that entire situation fell apart. Although there were a few reasons why I chose to return to ND, one of the primary reasons was because I needed to know if I could reclaim my health if I let go of all stress in my life. I came here alone, meaning without my husband, and I'm living in my parent's basement. I'm being taken care of, I don't have the same level of financial stress, I removed myself from the grip of other people's tensions, and I now have the ability to be completely at peace with no intrusions on my peace. I really need to know if I can recover some of my strength in this situation. 

After 3 days of Dad driving the Uhaul, we finally saw Bismarck in the evening. 

So far, it's been an interesting experiment. I have had to do a lot of physical work, but I also don't know if that will ever actually change (or should change.) I had to unpack and build furniture, which took me a while. I'm also helping Dad with some projects. We needed to build a shed, and our backyard isn't flat, so it was certainly a project. I helped with what I was capable of helping with. We drove to Idaho and back to visit my family there. (Yep, within a month, Dad and I drove from SC to ND, then ND to Idaho. So, just a little less than coast-to-coast!) I've stayed really busy. And today I went into my old work place (Terry's!!!) and offered to go back to work, and now I start next Tuesday! Hurray!

Visiting a former job in Boise, ID last month

So keeping in mind that I'm staying busy and active (as much as possible with having ME/CFS and POTS), here are some positive observations:

- I was amazed at how much easier it has been to sleep since coming here, mostly. I've had a few nights of waking up from jolts of adrenaline. A few nights of feeling restless for hours before falling asleep. A few mornings of waking up with a racing heart. A few nights of insomnia. But overall, my sleep has seriously improved. 

- My mind is CLEAR. The anxiety is gone. The depression is gone. The sense of dread is gone. The vibrations of fear that ruled my body are gone. My mind isn't suffocating from too many thoughts racing anymore. Whatever is right in front of me is what gets my attention, and I can focus on it. 

- I'm actually starting to dream about my future, and it's enjoyable and coming to me naturally! 

- I've held my last chiropractic adjustment longer than I expected, considering how crazy everything in my life was. Moving half way across the country, mourning the loss of my birds that I had to rehome, all the physical labor, you get the idea. My last chiropractor was aggressive, but she fixed issues that were probably from my childhood. I do not generally hold adjustments well or for long, but my body is acting more resilient now. That said, yesterday I finally felt sharp pain in my neck that gave me a nasty headache, but there may be more to that.

- I have had a few crashes. In the last 2 months I've had 4 days where I couldn't do anything at all. Many days where I could only work for a couple of hours, but the day wasn't a total waste. That's really not bad for me! That means I've been spending more energy and crashing less often. I have a feeling it's because my mental stress is gone. I'm not wasting energy on the stress of other people. My brain is just calm, clear, happy, and regulating ONLY my own personal energy. And I know this is true because I've had a few instances where I immediately get worse, drained, zoned out, and feeling the old hopeless void when I've had to talk to certain people. 

- My immune system actually seems to be working a little faster. I caught a bug in Idaho and my symptoms developed quickly, and I stayed sick for almost 2 weeks. That's actually a sign my immune system is trying to do its job! I also ate something I was allergic to, and I got hives within an hour, not the next day. Very good!

Ok, but I've also been experiencing classic issues of mine that are not getting any better:

- No temperature regulation! I'm freezing then sweating then freezing then sweating... it's annoying...

- Raynaud's!! My body was red from heat while my fingers were totally numb for a few minutes. 

- My gut caused major neck and shoulder tension that made my teeth feel extra tight. I had to wait a few days for my gut issue to calm down, and all my pain subsided and the tension released. 

- I almost fainted on the toilet last night. I couldn't tolerate being upright. My heart was going to beat out of my mouth and I couldn't catch my breath. I needed to be laying down, but nature called...

- The nerve pain in my heel has been raging again. I'm sure I'm eating too much b6 because I increased how many nuts I'm eating. The solution is to cut back on b6 rich foods again, but the fiber from the nuts is really helping. There's always a problem with every food, it's annoying. 

- The bloating from Endometriosis has been way too severe. Worse than normal. I'm tempted to buy maternity clothes... sigh...

- The sharp razor blade pains in my pelvis has been bothering me more than normal every day. I cannot do certain stretches without feeling intense stabbing pain next to my hip bone. 

So overall, I think this is a lesson that stress levels were making my symptoms worse. The RELIEF I feel has been so healing! I had to start my life over, I had to go through hell to do this. I'll write about that at some point, but I'm enjoying these good feelings too much to revisit that trauma. I do think I'll be able to live a little more than I was before. I think one of the most important decisions I could have made was to choose my own path, alone, and distance myself from that which was heavily draining my energy daily. I was in survival mode for so many years, and it stopped working. I stopped surviving. I had to save my life. I couldn't continue living that life. I had to come home and start over. Going from feeling suicidal for years and only feeling a void in life, to feeling peace and hope and joy... just by leaving a situation that wasn't meant for me. It's incredible.  

It's also just the little things... All of my time belongs to me. I don't have to live by a complicated routine anymore. I choose when to make dinner, how to cook, how to manage my chores, how to keep my space, when to rest and when to move, when to sleep, when to listen to music, when to listen to myself.... My energy belongs to me again. And I'm so looking forward to working again with this renewed vigor (I love my job!) 

Eivor - Let It Come

One Year and 2 Months Since Moving Here Update

I have a list of things I feel are worth blogging about, but I sit down to write and I can't find the energy to pull them from my head and type them into words. I want to write about how I discovered a new food that I can eat and benefit from. I want to write about how to buy meat, especially when it's difficult to find quality meat where you live. I want to write about how the culture of your local community affects personal health, and the ripple effect that poor health has (this is a story about a stray dog.) I want to write about my new Fitbit and faucet, both of which make my life easier! I want to write about my thoughts on the movie Common Ground, the sequel to Kiss The Ground. 

The reality is that I'm feeling stuck in perpetual exhaustion. Each day I'm striving to just keep up with the emotional turmoil in my head, the physical demands of my weak body, and the chores around the house. I feel like I'm constantly waiting, so I can't start a project or do anything because I just have to wait, but what am I waiting for? I have no idea. The problem is, when I'm doing things, I feel like I have to rush and do them as fast as possible. I'm sure my adrenals are shot again. I think it would help to have a job so I could have some sort of routine or rhythm in my life to help me pace. Searching for a job has been a nightmare here - my options are all physically demanding for very low pay. I've been applying for jobs, but I've never been invited for an interview. Maybe it's because I'm asking for more than $9/hr and only part-time hours? There is a serious lack of part-time jobs here - the work culture here is very "all or nothing." Work-life balance? That isn't a concept here. I also think I'm judged for being from the north. There's a strong dislike of all the northerners and Californians moving in, and my accent gives me away. 

There is a war inside my head that is seriously taxing me. I have major life decision fatigue, and my inability to take action to fix my life is making me feel worthless. Half of me believes I need to snap out of this slump, pull myself together, and go work any job I can get just like other people do. The other half of me knows my health is too poor to actually do that, and it won't solve my problems because not being healthy enough to do the work will make me feel even worse about myself. This half of me keeps coming up with philosophical reasons why all people, even sick people, have value and shouldn't be expected to be worker bees when they're not able to be. This side of me keeps finding peace with my situation, but then my husband comes home from work and we talk about how tight our money is, and I start to spiral back into the guilt of not helping to earn money. I don't know how to enjoy being me if I feel like I'm not contributing, and he makes a lot of comments about how I'm not earing money. And I spiral back down the whirlpool of despair. How can I be at peace? 

I am on disability, so I am contributing. But is it enough? I do the laundry. I clean the house. I wash all the dishes every day. I run the small errands in town. I cook most dinners. I work myself to exhaustion every day just by trying to keep up with chores. But is it enough? Am I enough? Am I loveable when this is the best I can do? If I'm only loved for what I can do, then I feel like I'll always be a disappointment. I want to be loved for who I am, how I love, and how much better I make life. 

If I felt settled down, I would honestly consider starting a hobby farm with goats and chickens. I like people, but I don't meet the crazy high demands of people. I used to be able to before I got sick. It's not because I'm lazy - I used to thrive from doing physically demanding jobs for long hours. I enjoyed the work too. I miss feeling and actually being CAPABLE. Life would be so much better if I could just use my body and work! But, I have to deal with my reality: my body can't make enough energy, and I get dizzy and weak from using the energy I do make. And I'm not settled down at all. I do not expect to have a long-term situation here in South Carolina. 

I feel like these blog posts are becoming very repetitive, but my head is very repetitive. I'm stuck. I need to get broken out of this cycle of despair. 

I do have positive things to write about, I promise! I'll try. But not right now. I need to lay down. 

I hope that these blogs serve as some sort of record of how awful life is for those of us with ME/CFS. Let this help someone somewhere feel less alone... 

Water Is Life: Product Review of RO Filtration Systems and Why You Need Them

I agree with the Native Americans who fought against the pipeline in North and South Dakota: 
Water Is Life.

It's true. We can't live without clean water.

We said the mantra over and over, demanding that the source of our water supply wasn't ruined by fracking and leaking oil pipelines. But why don't we really live this mantra by choosing to drink clean water and choosing practices that keep our water clean? Why are we still drinking from plastic bottles, drinking the tap water, and choosing to buy foods grown with pesticides that run off into our water supply and ruin in? 

 In the words of Nestle's CEO: 

“Water is, of course, the most important raw material we have today in the world. It’s a question of whether we should privatize the normal water supply for the population. And there are two different opinions on the matter. The one opinion, which I think is extreme, is represented by the NGOs, who bang on about declaring water a public right. That means that as a human being you should have a right to water. That’s an extreme solution. The other view says that water is a foodstuff like any other, and like any other foodstuff it should have a market value. Personally, I believe it’s better to give a foodstuff a value so that we’re all aware it has its price, and then that one should take specific measures for the part of the population that has no access to this water, and there are many different possibilities there.”

So... if water is to be treated as a "foodstuff" with market value, that means you have a choice. What water are you buying? Do you know what you're buying when you pay your water bill for tap water? Do you know what you're buying when you buy plastic water bottles because you don't trust the tap water? Are those alkaline waters you're buying to be healthier actually better for you? It's all a bunch of marketing, because water is a product to be sold. 

Oh boy. This one is a heavy subject, one that I could write a whole 200 page thesis about. It's easy to feel like it's too big of a problem to tackle, but I want to promise you that there are some solutions.

Let's talk about solutions, because the problems with water are too much for me to get into. 

But first:

Well... yes. Dave is right. 

1. Your body won't turn alkaline by drinking alkaline water. You will struggle to digest well if you drink alkaline water with your meals, because it reduces stomach acid. You need enough stomach acid to bread down food and absorb the nutrition from it. Lowering your stomach acid can lead to heartburn. That said, you definitely do need minerals in your water to absorb it and retain it, but more on how to do that later. 

2. You really don't want to drink chlorine. Chlorine kills bacteria and sanitizes. Do you want to kill the bacteria in your body? Bacteria basically control the health of our bodies, so without enough good bacteria our bodies won't function well. If you're taking probiotics to help add more good bacteria into your gut, are you swallowing it with chlorine, a substance that kills bacteria?

3. Fluoride is very controversial. Does it have benefits? Yes, it does reduce cavities. Is it a neurotoxin that kills brain cells? Yes. It's essential you don't consume too much, because the toxicity of fluoride is dose-dependent. So how exactly do you control the dose when you're drinking tap water? (Also, do we need to add fluoride to toothpaste when there's already enough to prevent cavities in tap water? That's a post for another day.) 

4. Okay, so avoid tap water to avoid chlorine and fluoride... got it. But then he says not to drink out of plastic? Plastic does break down into microplastics that end up in the water, and they do mess with hormones. Then how to do I get water? Those glass bottles are expensive, and hey, don't they contain water from sources high in arsenic? Some do, yes. That's what I'll offer you some solutions in this post! There are options. 

5. Don't focus on division and hate while you drink it? On the surface this might seem silly, but in reality it's a great practice to focus on gratitude instead of what we're angry about while we're eating. Our thoughts do control the quality of energy that flows through our body, and our energy will affect our digestion. It's not woo-woo voo-doo - many cultures have known this for thousands of years. Did you know that Kung Fu masters can change the properties of water by moving their qi? We've simply lost sight of it in our dumbed-down modern consumerist fast-paced culture. Our minds really do affect our physical health. (I'm not promoting toxic positivity here - there's a time and place to process all emotions, but processing anger should not be done while eating.)

I'll show you what I use for my drinking water. (Bathing water is for a different post.)

The best solution I have found is to filter my water with Reverse Osmosis. It is a very effective way to remove most of what is in your tap water. It's easier than distilling, and allows you to have safe water from a tap in your home. Reverse Osmosis usually involves 5 stages of filtration, sometimes with added UV light to kill anything after the chlorine has been filtered out. Your responsibly is primary just to change filters on time, so it's not that big of a commitment. Personally, I find it way less to manage than buying pounds upon pounds of water from stores.

Let me show you what it does. In these photos I'm using a TDS Meter that measures Parts Per Million (PPM) of water. The PPM are everything in the water that isn't water. This can include good healthy minerals along with heavy metals, chlorine, drugs people flush down the toilet along with anything else the waste water treatment plants can't filter out, fluoride, and any other additives to treat the water. The higher the PPM, the harder and less acceptable the water quality is. In Bismarck, ND, the tap water was normally near 300 PPM (I'll have to dig back through a million photos to find that one to show you.) Here in Gaffney, SC, I have measured it between 44 PPM (shocking low) up to 150 PPM after they did some work on the water pipes under my street. Because the pipes burst open and were leaking. That was the day I started my period, and had zero running water in my house all day long. Ayyy... that's a story for another day. UPDATE: I'm returning to finish this post several months later, and as you'll see in upcoming photos, the tap water here in Gaffney is now over 300 PPM. 

(I'm going to add photos of Bismarck's water here when I find them, but they're at least a year old now and I have to actually dig for them! Keep reading to see how my current system measures though.)


You have a few options:

1. Go to a store that sells the big blue jugs of RO water, then put them into a dispenser at home. This is a lot better than drinking tap water, but the RO water spends a lot of time in plastic stored in warm or sunny areas. Heat is what breaks down the plastic so it leaches into the water. The blue jugs are BPA-free, but the trouble is that what they replaced BPA with is just as harmful... but they're not going to tell you that part of the story, are they?

2. Install an RO water filtration system onto your kitchen sink. This is my favorite solution, but it does help to have some plumbing knowledge to manage it. You also might need permission from a landlord if you don't own your kitchen sink. I bought and installed the APEC filter in my last home.

I highly highly highly recommend it! It brought my PPM down to around 10, and once it started to go up to 20 I knew it was time to change a filter or two. I used the hole for the sprayer in my kitchen sink, and installed a faucet with a built-in sprayer instead. This was very convenient because I could flush the tank directly into the sink when needed, and I could fill my glass with water from the RO faucet at the kitchen sink. 

After years I ran into an issue with the system, but customer service was the best I could have ever asked for. The bladder in the tank was wearing out. At first we used an air compressor to refill the pressure, but that solution didn't last long. The tank itself started to leak, and I found it falling into the wood of the cabinet it was in. The wood was soaking wet. We had help cutting out the wood and replacing it. We had to buy a new tank from APEC, and then we needed help installing it because we couldn't get the water pressure to where it needed to be. APEC spent 40 minutes on the phone with us to walk us through how to fix it ourselves. The guy knew the system inside and out, and he patiently talked us through every step as we did it. He didn't end the call until the problem was resolved. It was amazing! Best customer service ever!

3. You might need to do something less complicated if you're in a rental, or not staying in any place for long. That's my current situation, so I bought this:

 

The SimPure countertop RO water system. (It was $100 less when I bought it last June... INFLATION.) It's ok. Not great, but ok. So much better than nothing. I'll show you:

It only uses 2 filters, rather than the 5 of the under sink RO filter I used to have. It simply can't be as thorough. Where I used to get my PPM down to around 10-15 with that under sink filter, this gets it down to around 50-65. 

Tap water in Gaffney, SC: 308 PPM

Filtered water: 61 PPM, filters are 3 months old, still have 3 months of life left in them.

I would recommend this if you need to buy any portable RO water filtration system... but if you have the ability to install one under your sink, just do it. They cost the same, and the sink system works WAY better. But I'm happy enough with this countertop system for now, while renting. 

My complaint is that it's on rubber feet, so it's hard to move it around on the counter, but I have to move it around to be able to take the water tank out of the back of it to fill it up. I have to fill it about 2x per day for my husband and I. 

It assumes you will only fill glasses with water. It has 3 buttons for the amount of filtered water it will pour out. The trouble is that the amounts for each are a little too little or too much for my glasses. I also need to keep a Pyrex measuring cup next to it because I use it constantly for getting enough filtered water to pour into my tea pot. The teapot itself won't fit under the spout. So... it's a little less than perfect, but it's so much better than nothing. 

My husband only drinks cold water (I can't drink cold water, it hurts me!) So he fills up a pitcher from the RO machine and keeps the filtered water in the fridge. 

So the problem with RO water or distilled water is that the good necessary minerals are filtered out too. It makes the water "dead" so-to-speak. You won't find any water in nature that isn't full of minerals from the rocks and soil it flows through. We're meant to drink the minerals in the water. In fact, our kidneys rely on the minerals in the water to be able to absorb the water. That's okay - just add them back in. You can buy trace mineral to add to your water before you drink it. 

I personally can't drink water without thickening it, otherwise it flows right through me and my kidneys and bladder can't handle it. I get dehydrated by drinking water that isn't thick enough. So I use powdered electrolytes to thicken my water. I use the ones from my naturopathic doctor, but I also like Ulitma a lot because the flavors are great. 

Here's a link for Ulima Electrolytes - You get $5 off with my link, and I get $5 if you use it! 

This is also a great product for all your POTsies reading this - if you have POTS you NEED electrolytes to build your blood. It's critical! Ultima has less sodium than other brands, but it has more electrolytes and no sugar! So just add some Redmond Real Salt to your water if you need extra sodium. That's what I do. 

(It took me close to 6 months to finish writing this post... I started many posts and couldn't finish them, but I knocked this one down... yay me! Life with ME/CFS, Endometriosis, and POTS... sheesh, it's hard to get much done.)

Eivor - Salt

Surging through my body,

The ocean in me.

Crashing waves of memory,

Currents of longing.

Where You Live Matters: ND to SC Move Reflections on my Health

Before moving to South Carolina, I had a lot of stability I took for granted while living in North Dakota. I've lost quite a bit of my health here, and I want to write about what was working for me in ND that I don't have here. I'm hoping my insights can help others find ways to live their best lives in their current situations too. 




1. I had security

I'm listing this first because I think it's foundational. It's extremely difficult to work on health when you're feeling insecure about your home, finances, food, and paying the bills. I lost that security when moving to SC, because our finances and tighter and rent for a decent home is way too expensive. We found a house to rent, but we're questioning if we need to move to the bigger city so that I have access to jobs, healthcare, and food. It's hard for me to unpack and feel at home when it won't be long-term, which makes me feel unsettled. Also, this house is simply not in good condition compared to where I was living in ND, and it causes me some insecurities because I'm not used to worrying about the problems of a house this old. 

In North Dakota we lived in my parent's house while they couldn't live in it, so I never had to worry about losing the home if our finances were not good that month. The house was not perfect, but it was very comfortable and in good condition. Our finances were not great there (which is why my husband needed to find a job elsewhere), but I had no reason to worry about being unable to afford what we really needed. 

The stress of living paycheck to paycheck, reducing standards to make ends meet, being unable to purchase much food that works on my diet nearby, being unable to afford doctors and medical care, living with a higher crime rate than I've ever had to worry about before, and living in a place where traffic accidents and death are very high are all very destabilizing for me. I have a lot of reasons to feel stress here. And stress = illness. 





2. Everything I needed was within a 20 minute drive

Bismarck was a basic medium-sized city of around 80k. It didn't have many amenities of larger cities, and it was a 7 hour drive from any larger city (Fargo was 3 hours away, but Fargo doesn't have much.) It did, however, have enough within a short driving distance. This is very important because it's difficult for me to drive far, and I only drive when I'm feeling strong enough and capable enough. I found a job that worked with my health abilities only 7 minutes away from home. I had access to organic food at my job and through two other stores that were 5 minutes away from home (one was a Natural Grocers, which provided the largest selection.) I had access to a phenomenal acupuncturist only a 12 minute drive away. I had access to MDs as needed, only a 7 minute drive away. I had a walking trail behind my house, so no need to drive to it. I had access to 2 restaurants that made meals I could eat on my diet, both within a 7 minute drive. I had access to the best regenerative beef money could buy through my job and they delivered to a location 5 minutes away from my house. Seriously - everything I needed to live comfortably was close. (Now I did have to travel for specialized medical care - but that's normal for most people.) 

Here in Gaffney, SC... I don't have any of that. I can't find a job that works with my needs. There are 3 grocery store options, and 2 of them don't offer much I can eat. The 3rd is Aldi, which is good on my budget when they have things worth buying, but they don't sell everything I need. I can't rely on them. The farmer's market here is tiny, so while I can buy some things there, I can't rely on to meet my needs. There are no acupuncturists in this town, but if I drive 35 minutes north there's a phenomenal acupuncturist. The problem is he's out of my budget and I can't always safely drive 35 minutes at a time. I typically don't do well driving longer than 15 minutes at a time, unless it's a good day and I took the right pills first. There really aren't any restaurants here that make safe food for me - I can get away with eating at 2 places, but I have to cheat on my diet to eat the meals that are mostly safe. As for medical care? I haven't used the local hospital here, but it's a very small town. 

What this means is that I can't be independent here. My husband has to drive us to the bigger city once a week to go buy food, and the grocery options aren't great either. We found a Fresh Market (holy expensive prices, Batman!) and a Publix (better than anything in Gaffney) within a 35 minute drive of home. The farmer's market was great in the summer, but that doesn't help me in the winter. Fresh Market does sell a lot of things I can eat on my diet, but sheesh, it's going to bankrupt me to shop there. (Numi organic deli meat is $8/pack at Earth Fare, and it's $10.99/ pack at Fresh Market.... I mean, seriously... and all their food is marked up like that.) It's honestly better to drive 1 hour away from home to get to an Earth Fare and Whole Foods, both of which are cheaper (even considering the gas to drive there.) Yes, Whole Foods is cheaper - not joking. Actually Whole Foods isn't that expensive, it's just easy to spend your whole paycheck there because they have so much worth buying! Anyway... I'm alone and isolated here Gaffney, totally reliant on my husband to be able to help me get what we need. 




3. I had a job - a GOOD job 

This one is HUGE. I think I knew it while I was living there and working, but I don't think I realized the full extent of how helpful it was for me. I had a job working in a place that aligned with my needs, values, world view, and health. It paid me some money, even though I couldn't work many hours. Most importantly, it gave me a sense of purpose. I felt like, despite my poor health and inability to do much, it allowed me to feel like I was contributing to society and a better world. It gave meaning to my life. It gave me a community to be part of. It helped me socialize. It allowed me to spend my limited energy in a useful way. These things were super important. SUPER IMPORTANT. 

Being unable to find a job that works with my needs is a huge punch to the gut here. It has caused me a lot of insecurities, depression, despair, and feelings of worthlessness. Poor emotional health makes it very difficult to manage physical health. I lost a lot by moving here. 

I worked for Terry's Health Products in Bismarck. Check them out and support them! Such an amazing small local business, and they will ship! 

4. Family

My family moved back to North Dakota. My husband's family is all in North Dakota. Having family nearby is very important. Family gives community, connection, support, love, hope... family is everything. 

Suddenly being far from family is... lonely. It feels a little like death, in a way. Sure, we have phones, but it's not the same as living nearby and experiencing the same life. 

Mom is so good to me, and so awesome!

5. North Dakota was not as moldy as South Carolina

Mold is a way of life here. It's everywhere I go. The humidity is high, it rains a lot, buildings are old and in poor condition, people aren't educated enough to realize it's a health problem, and the soil itself is moldy. I'm allergic to mold. In fact, mold is one of my root causes of my all health issues (the other was H1N1/ Swine Flu.) I'm literally living a place that's poisonous to me. 

North Dakota weather could lead to mold damage in buildings and homes. Summer humidity could be high, though not as high as here. Excess snow could lead to moisture damage in buildings not prepared for it. The house I was living in did have external mold problems that had to be remediated. I had a mold scare there, but it wasn't as severe as anything here. Not everywhere was moldy in ND. Here pretty much everywhere I go is moldy. 

Kindling Health: Source of Mold - My Reaction (kindlingheatlh.blogspot.com)

6. North Dakota allergens were nothing compared to South Carolina allergens

Okay so I did have some allergy issues in North Dakota - it's an agricultural state that grows a lot of corn and wheat, and I'm allergic to both. That wasn't a problem in the city though. There were a few trees and grasses there that caused me some allergies, but overall I was able to get a handle on my allergies there. Actually it wasn't much of an issue in the last few years. My naturopathic doctor helped me a lot, and my lifestyle changes meant I reacted a lot less to allergens. 

But South Carolina? Wow. The thick yellow layer of pollen on everything was really intense for me. Add that to high humidity, high heat, and bugs EVERYWHERE. So. Many. Bugs. I'm honestly not looking forward to my first spring here... I hate dealing with the bloody noses, excess congestion, itchy eyes, cough and sore throat, hives and rashes... 

Wait, what?: Sept. 12, 2013 (waitwaitwhatwhat.blogspot.com)


7. I had to learn a new place, and the learning curve is exhausting 

When you have ME/CFS, it's really important not to create new stress. I learned Bismarck, and I was able to keep up with changes there. Learning this new town, new region, and new state has been really tiring for me. The little things add up and cause big problems in ME/CFS: poor sense of direction leads to confusion and inability to learn streets, not being able to remember where something was, trying to remember names of all these things places, and so on. Poor cognitive function and memory is a hallmark of ME/CFS - I do a lot better remembering old information than I do retaining new information. I need to invest time into understanding new information, and I need to read about it a lot over time until it becomes solid in my brain. So I just need time to learn this place... 

And then there's learning the culture - the big picture, and all the smaller communities. Gaffney itself is considered "Deep South," which is a culture, not a location. The big towns nearby are not "Deep South," and there's quite an obvious cultural difference. A lot of it makes sense, and a lot of it is new to me... and learning how people here think has been a mental exercise for me. 

Moving to a place where people hit your mailbox with a baseball bat while they drive by. They throw their beer and soda cans into your yard as they drive by. There are no laws against smoking anywhere outside. There's no regulations on the types of vehicles that can drive on roads. It's.... an adjustment. I will never take for granted when people respect each other... 

Walk A Mile In My Shoes With Me

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

We are conditioned to be productive, consume, be productive, and consume. It's a never-ending cycle. 

It is a bad cycle? Not necessarily. We have to work for our food, whether we grow it ourselves, forage and hunt for it, or work for money with which to buy it. Whatever system we rule our lands with must focus on the daily need to eat food. 

So what happens when a person becomes too sick to work for their food? Well... this is a scary question, and perhaps one of entitlement. 

In the far past there were 2 options:

1. These people would simply just die. Survival of the fittest.

2. Their families would keep them safe and feed them as long as possible, assuming they had families who could afford to. This very much depended on class and circumstances. If the family were peasants, vs if the family were nobility. 

Today, we pretend to have a more humane approach to chronic illness:

The government offers assistance, which all of the working class pays for through taxes (not by their choice.) This assistance includes a monthly monetary stipend, discount on medical care though basic insurance, and discounts or stipends on food. The trouble is, the assistance isn't enough. If they're single and have to live alone, best case scenario, people will qualify for section 8 government assisted housing. Have you seen those properties? They're often apartments in really poor condition full of black mold, which will keep people very sick. 

If you fail to benefit from this government assistance (not because you don't deserve it, but because you fell through the cracks in the system), you're forced to rely on your family to feed you or you're forced to work for money despite bad health. 

The problem with family is that they're not always supportive, and they often issue conditions on their help. I've read so many horror stories from people desperate for help who try to rely on family support, but end up more stressed and burdened than if they were homeless. This is usually because families don't have enough money to support the sick person, or because the families are full of skeptics who don't believe it's possible to be so sick. 

The problem with trying to work for enough money to support yourself during illness is that it's usually impossible. No, not just difficult. Actually impossible. The reason for this is that it's hard to get hired, and then it's hard to keep a job because sick people are unreliable and unable to advance. Another problem is that most sick people are unable to get hired for positions that pay well enough to even afford rent. They might have degrees or skills, but be unable to function well enough to use their skills. So they're forced to look for easier work that pays less. Right now it's hard enough for fully healthy and capable adults to earn enough money to afford life - it's that much harder for sick people. 

The Awkward Yeti

We need to be able to find hope in our doctors and scientists. We want to be healed. The trouble is, these chronic illnesses aren't treatable by doctors. At best doctors know how to manage symptoms with medications, or do surgery to reduce the source of the problem. If you're someone that is able to work full-time because of medication, you're lucky. 



Some of us find help from alternative medicine because it teaches us lifestyle choices that prevent causes of illnesses from continuing to keep us sick. But it often just gives us quality of life while living with the illness, and doesn't always heal us enough to be able to work full-time again. This is fantastic! But many illnesses are too complicated even for these natural methods. It's also a very expensive method just to improve quality of life, not necessarily recover enough to live life fully.

So there's really no good solution here. And that's why so many people with chronic illnesses give up and commit suicide. If our society doesn't allow for survival of the fittest to play out naturally, then people will take matters into their own hands and kill themselves. Is this humane? 

I do see a solution to all these problems, but it requires a paradigm shift in society. The solution is in building stronger, happier, and better supported families. We've built a society in which people are individuals, and each person must earn enough money to support their own needs. We really need to move away from this society of individualism, and instead build a society in which families can thrive. This might look like being able to live on a single-income again. It might look like keeping houses in the family, and multiple generations living together. It might look like moving away from big cities and forming smaller self-sustaining communities again. It might look like living with less luxury - we stop living like entitled nobles and start living like peasants again. 

The root of the problem is that managing a chronic illness is always a team effort, never an individual's burden. Society needs to have a structure that allows for people having hard times. We need safeguards against chronic illness and homelessness. A society that thrives on a family structure means everyone should have a family to rely on. People will always fall through the cracks, and there should always be assistance available for those people. But if families could afford to take care sick loved ones without going bankrupt, we'd have a MUCH stronger society with much less stress. 

Until we build that society... we have to take our responsibility to each other very seriously. We need to make choices that don't cause other people to get sick. We need to learn to love each other again. Every person has value. Every person deserves to live. It can be as simple as choosing to stop smoking in public. Choosing to stop using synthetic fragrances. Choose to avoid plastic as much as possible. Choose to reduce stress on others when possible. Choose peace over conflict when possible. Choose understanding over being right. Choose to stop feeding sugar to each other. Choose to stop using unhealthy oils in foods. Choose to cook at home more. Choose to eat dinner together. Choose to create more opportunities to rest and relax. Choose to find time to worship and foster faith together. Choose to be a community. Choose to care about each other. 

Am I being idealistic? Well, someone needs to be.. because practical solutions haven't been working. 

Afterall... is the fact that people with chronic illnesses struggle to live in this society their own fault for getting sick in the first place, or is it a society problem that we can't offer them a place in the world? 

We need to stop people with chronic illnesses from thinking suicide is their only option. 

The value of human life is not in the ability to earn money. 

Eivor - In My Shoes

It can take a long, long time

To find a reason and a rhyme

One minute you're dancing, wild and free

Next thing you know, you can hardly move your feet

Won't you, won't you wait for me?

I'm almost there, have faith in me

You say you know what I should do

But you have never walked a mile

In my shoes

I keep trudging up the hill

It feels like I'm standing still (standing still)

Pouring rain soaks to the bone

I shield my eyes and lean into the bitter cold

Won't you, won't you wait for me?

I'm almost there, have faith in me (faith in me)

You say you know what I should do

But you have never walked a mile (walked a mile, walked a mile)

In my shoes

Tea Is Amazing When Done Right

I want to talk about this. Yes, going organic makes a HUGE difference. Not a little one.

1. Yes, conventional tea bags are filled with plastic and bleach that do in fact break down into the hot water. Microplastic consumption is not well studied yet, but there are some concerns that are obvious and others perhaps not so obvious. We have been finding microplastics in our organs, including our hearts. Plastic may be a post for another day, but I will point out that it is a source of xenoestrogens, which can make hormonal problems much worse. (If you're like me, this is seriously bad for endometriosis.)

2. Conventional tea has a serious pesticide problem. It's heavily sprayed, and cannot be properly washed without losing the oils that make it flavorful. You end up steeping plastic-lined leaves coated in pesticides in hot water, then drinking it. 

3. Fresh loose leaf organic tea is the highest quality, yes, but not necessarily the best thing for everyone. It takes more education, time, and equipment to make it well. It's messy if you don't have the right equipment. And... paper bags are actually better than stainless steel tea balls. I know I know, that sounds absurd, but the reason is because metals can deactivate properties of herbs. Brewing tea in metal can weaken the strength of the herbs. If all you care about is the flavor and caffeine, then this isn't an issue. If you drink tea for the benefits, such as trying to relieve cold symptoms, then metal is not the best way to brew tea. 

4. There are brands that use certified organic or wildcrafted leaves and herbs (meaning you don't need to worry about the pesticides and the natural oils will still be in the leaves), and they do not use plastics or bleach in their bags. I want to share some of my favorites with you!

5. Pay attention to the bag, even in organic brands. Some use paper, some use hemp, and some use a nylon-like substance made from corn. The corn-based "plastic" bags are difficult to distinguish from synthetic plastic, so I wouldn't trust a brand that doesn't prove it or certify it.

(Disclaimer: I make a small percentage off any product you buy through my link. I would show these products on other websites or encourage you to shop at your local health food store, but I'm showing you on Amazon because they offer this marketing program. Also, Amazon can be a life-saver for many of us who live in remote areas and are too disabled to go shopping regularly.)

Numi Tea

Numi is one of my favorites! Their teas are full of rich flavor, and they use tea leaf and herb combinations that are really interesting. They're creative, and they source from the best areas in the world. You really will taste the flavor difference. If you are someone who doesn't like black tea because it tastes weak, then you really ought to try Numi's breakfast blend because it's not weak at all. 

The Sampler:
This is an awesome place to start. Try a good variety of their teas! 

Favorite Numi Tea:

Breakfast Blend! This is so full and rich, with complex flavors that mingle perfectly. There are bitter elements, but it's so smooth! I drink this on days when I need a little extra caffeine (caffeine helps my POTS, not hurt it like it does for many.) I'm linking to a 3-pack because that's simply how it's sold on Amazon, but the price is actually really good. You would probably pay about $7-8 for one box in a retail store. 

Honorable mentions:

Japanese Green Tea Variety Pack. I love green tea more than any other type. The issue is, I tend to drink Matcha every morning. So I don't drink bagged green teas as often. They're so good, but I shouldn't drink that much caffeine in a day! Ha! 

Rooibos Chai. No caffeine, but has more of the dark bitter taste I enjoy in tea vs other naturally caffeine-free tea. It's earthy, warming, soothing, and flavorful. Rooibos can be helpful in relieving stomach pressure and cramping, and the spices can help warm your digestive tract up to help with flow. 

Organic India

This brand is not for everyone, but it will be amazing for some. The reason is because they include Tuli (Holy Basil) in all of their teas. Holy Basil is quite amazing in its ability to lower cortisol levels. Feeling stressed? Holy Basil will calm you down. If you have high cortisol in the mornings, you will probably feel better drinking their green tea. If you're like me and have low morning cortisol, then you'll feel a lot worse in the morning if you drink it. (I made this mistake when I was a church secretary. I bought the tea thinking it would wake me up, but my eyes were crossing so bad that day. I learned about Holy Basil after.)

If you're like me and have high night time cortisol, then I HIGHLY recommend their Tulsi Sleep. This one is a staple for me each evening: 

Choice Organics

This brand is awesome. They offer a really pleasant full-bodied cup of tea without any worry. They are certified in many areas, including using compostable paper tea bags. The brand is trustworthy, good quality, and offers a good variety. Choice Tea is not quite as rich as Numi, but I think many will prefer that anyway. 

My personal favorite from their is their decaf black tea, for days when I don't want more caffeine, but I want to warm up in the afternoon. I may add some coconut milk and peppermint to it occasionally too. 🤤 



Who is a fan of Darjeeling and Oolong tea!? ME! Haha! They offer it - fully organic, kosher, non-GMO, compostable... it's one of the primary reasons I love Choice so much. They offer the best Chinese Teas at high standards! That's not easy to find in other brands.

Stay tuned for more posts about tea! I drink A LOT of tea, and I do have more great recommendations. 

I'd love to hear from you - what kind of tea do you like best? If you don't like tea, why not?

(Hahahaha - I'm not saying the song is good, I'm just saying it's appropriate. 😆) 

Fresh Start, New Venture! Introducing: Kindling Health

Full Transparency: I joined my first affiliate program to start monetizing on what products I recommend. Why? Don't I have a real job? Not anymore and not yet - I just moved! I'd love it if you all use my links to buy products if you're genuinely interested in using them! I'm not doing this to waste your money! Besides, the whole point of this blog is that my energy levels are far too low to live like healthy people do. I do need to find ways to make ends meet, and I really do enjoy selling and promoting products that fit my values and needs. Thanks for your support in advance! 

Let me catch you all up. It's super EXCITING!! 

I just moved from North Dakota to South Carolina!!! Heck YES! My husband finished his doctoral degree and was able to land his first full-time associate professor job here. He no longer needs to work adjunct for several universities at a time! I'm so proud of him for making his dreams come true! It was all very good timing, as we needed to find a new home to live in anyway.

I really do love where I live!

This move is wonderful for so many reasons, but it does mean I need to start over. I need a new job, new doctors, new acupuncturist, and a new chiropractor. But... there are SO MANY opportunities and options here! I'll write a different post about the transition, how the weather has affected me, etc. Just know that, although North Dakota treated me very well, South Carolina might be the place where I can manage my health best. After the 2nd worst winter on record in North Dakota (by a 1/4 inch of snow), it was definitely time to find a warmer place. And you know what? Starting over can be extremely healthy! It's invigorating! 

The Peachoid, made famous in House of Cards on Netflix, is the monument of my new city.

I'm honestly really sad about leaving my job in Bismarck, ND (I worked for Terry's Health Products - TerrysHP.com, a locally owned health products store.) I loved what I did there: technically selling natural products, but for me it was about helping people in need know what to buy to alleviate their symptoms or improve their health. I loved learning about herbs, supplements, ingredients, health conditions, environmental concerns, and how to make the world a better place. I loved educating our customers too! In the last year I was promoted to running the social media accounts, which I really enjoyed a lot! So I've been thinking... why not continue that work on my own? There is no natural products store in the small town I moved to, although there are two 30 minutes away from me. That's too far to drive in my condition. But with your support I can promote and sell through my own personal brand! ;) 

I took this before my last shift at my job. It was hard to admit it was the last day!

The owner wrote this really sweet post about me leaving... it left me in tears. I didn't want to quit and leave behind my "family" there, but I'm happy to be in South Carolina now. 

Right now I just have this blog. I'm just beginning this journey. I'll start building TikTok, Insta, and Facebook accounts soon. But I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED to share products and ways to save money on high-end organic clothing with you all!! My brain is spinning with ideas! 

Short-term goals: Just focus on promoting what I already use to help me manage my health. Tools, foods, clothes, supplements, apps, etc. I have high standards and am strict about quality and ingredients, and I want all my thoughtful consideration of each product to help you make easier decisions on what to buy. I hope to build up my base this way, but also I want time to build up my accounts as slowly as I need to. My health is not exactly stable at this point, after the stress of the move and being without acupuncture. 

Long-term goals: I'd love to earn enough from this venture to be able to buy products I'm interested in, but don't necessarily need or I can't afford, and then test and review them for you all. We really do need people trying out products with big claims and then reviewing them. Social Media is full of products with potential, but are untested. And I'd like to help my husband save up enough money to buy a house. And, ultimately, I want to not need to apply for disability in South Carolina. 

My weaknesses and hurdles: I have very limited energy, and every day looks different. I have times when I feel capable, and times when I don't. I understand that consistency is a critical part of success doing affiliate marking. My mental health can be very sour at times - I can go to very dark places easily. However... I can promote what works for me during these rough times. Am I stuck in bed all day? I'll record video of what I use to help me manage it. Am I angry and depressed? I'll record myself in that state and show you how I lift myself back up. My weaknesses are weaknesses so many people have, so instead of putting on a professional/ fake influencer demeanor, I'll be super real with you all. I want to be the real thing in the internet sea of fakeness. 

You might be wondering why an introverted person with chronic fatigue and pain wants to do a SOCIAL venture like this. Because there are too many people who suffer with similar health complaints and they don't know what to buy to help. So many people want advice, but can't afford the right kind of doctors. I've poured a lot time, money, and effort into educating myself. I have worked in the natural industry for a little over 8 years. I've worked with natural doctors who have taught me an incredible amount. I cannot and will not replace doctors (please get help!), but I can give advice on what to buy. The market is over-saturated with products full of claims, greenwashing, and hidden problems. I feel that I'm the right person to help people with chronic illnesses weed this stuff out. I enjoy this kind of work, and it's even better because I live my life this way. I use these products, I think about this stuff every day, and I feel passionately about helping educate people on better ways to survive this toxic world and find ways to heal. 

This venture isn't really about me. I need to feel like my work is helpful to people, so I intend for it to satisfy my need to be helpful and build a healthier world, but this venture is about those who need guidance and direction to manage their health. I genuinely care, and I need my work to be about what I care about. 

That being the case, I really want your feedback and input! I'll be super forthcoming: I'm terrible at replying quickly. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I really can't find the strength to think. I do read everything though. So please do leave comments with your ideas! 


And as for my first promotion...

This post was fueled by:

Four Sigmatic Protect (formerly called Defend). I have been drinking this every morning in my matcha since the pandemic started. I have trouble tolerating some herbs that boost the immune system, probably because I'm auto-immune, but this has never caused me problems. It's a fact that I never had Covid, but is it because I've been drinking this? Who knows!? Ha! But what I can say is that this mushroom blend wakes up my brain and clears the darkness away. It makes it easier for me to start connecting with the world around me in my mornings. Caffeine can help me move and warm up, but it doesn't always get my brain to connect with reality. 

There are many mushroom brands to choose from these days, but the reason I choose Four Sigmatic is because they organically grow their mushrooms on logs and only use the fruiting bodies, not mycelium. This is very important because we can measure the nutrition in the fruiting bodies, but mycelium is not a good source of nutrition. Other brands grow in moldy conditions, on food sources like oats (which I cannot eat), and may not use the fruiting bodies. Not only that, but mushrooms are an environmental sponge, so if they're not grown organically in proper conditions they can be full of contaminants you don't want in your body. If you're interested, read more about their process here. 

Thanks so much everyone!! Let's make this world a healthier place together! 

Fitness and Conditioning

I wish I could go to a gym and work out for an hour. I often day dream about lifting weights like I used to. I loved the feeling of being sore and tight in my muscles, feeling a natural tiredness from actually using my body well. I loved seeing muscles forming on my arms and legs. I loved shaping my body by staying toned. It felt really good. Now when I look at women in great shape it's a little hard for me. I'm really happy for them, but it makes me want to join them at the gym and get back into shape.

I really do my best to work out, but it's really challenging with chronic illness, and often ineffective or harmful. Let me break this down:

- Fatigue. I often have the mental willpower to sit at the machine and start pumping weights, so I'll go for it. And then I can't even finish a set before I run out of energy. This isn't a de-conditioning issue. If it was then my diet, supplements, and regular practice with the weights would mean I could do more every time. If it's de-conditioning, then I can actually improve. No, this is a problem of my body deflating with every pump of the weights until I have nothing left to stand up with. Every time I try I can do a different amount of weight lifting until the fatigue wins. No, it's not a de-conditioning issue, because if it was, I would be able to consistently do more with practice.

- Pain. I don't mean the normal wear and tear on muscles from working out. You know, the "it hurts so good!" pain that I love to feel. I mean joints on fire. I mean feeling ripping in my ovary from pushing or stretching. I mean chest pain from my HR going really high after just a minute of working hard. I mean throbbing in my head from blood not knowing how to circulate correctly while I'm working out. I mean an abnormal constriction in my neck and shoulder muscles that makes them super tight and in pain for a day or two after, like a cramp that doesn't want to be massaged out.

- Post Exertional Malaise. This is the fatigue that is the result of spending energy. For a healthy person, they might experience it for an hour or two after. They can still get stuff done if they have to, but they'll be tired and lose some motivation and focus. Their body needs to recover and they'll be fine. In my case, and the case of many people with various chronic illnesses, it's much worse. When I spend the limit of my energy or more than I have, it might take a day or two of recovery time to get back to my normal fatigued self. This means a lot more time in bed with brain fog, jello for muscles, disrupted metabolism and bathroom needs, mood issues, high heart rate with a sore achy chest, inflammation and swelling, and an inability to properly care for myself. When this is a normal response from my body, how am I supposed to work out regularly and have the ability to get stuff done? Like, having energy left to spend at my job? I have to pick and choose where my energy goes, as if my energy is money in my bank and the balance is always low.


So I do my best. What can I do?

- Walks. I feel the best results from going on walks, but the distance I can go depends greatly on how I'm feeling. 1 mile is my typical cut off point, but I have been able to go 2 miles on good days. Walking is the least taxing and most gentle way for me to move. I can move longer before my body gives out. The problem is that I live in North Dakota, so I can't be outside for half the year without a lot of weather gear on. Treadmill? I'm not getting a gym membership just to walk on the treadmill near stinky perfume-ridden people. I'm so reactive to perfume that I'll have to leave from feeling sick before I get much benefit from the gym. I've already gone this route with a YMCA membership. I also spend too much energy just getting to the gym. I'd rather just buy a treadmill for at home, but they're expensive!

- Stretching. I was in ballet and gymnastics for my entire childhood. I learned great stretches that I've continued to do my whole life. Stretching actually drains my energy rapidly. I can feel my battery depleting as I do it. But I feel like it gives me the most benefits with the least work.

- Doing short quick sets with lighter weights. I have a weight machine at home that I use, and if I do a little bit of everything over 3 to 4 minutes I can manage. It's not enough to build muscle or tone, but it allows me to use my muscles before triggering too many problems. I can feel my arms tightening up, but I can't find the energy to do enough to make them burn from building muscle.

- Tai Chi... to a certain point. I can't keep my arms lifted up long enough to stay in the poses. I like it because it works me out a lot with little effort, and it keeps me calm in the process. It isn't adrenaline-inducing. But it's physically taxing and I normally cannot make it through a sesson.

- Working on my feet for 4 hour shifts, 3 days a week. To me, going to work is my work out. I spend 3/4ths (or more) of my weekly energy at my job. I'm on my feet walking around, carrying stuff, cleaning, talking, squatting down and standing up, and just plain moving. Work leaves me feeling worn out and exhausted. I have had many many shifts where my heart physically hurts by the end. I almost always have post exertional malaise from shifts, so I'm often scheduled with a day or two between my shifts.


I want to make a special point to say that Yoga is not helpful. Why? I have POTS. Positional changes can be hard for me. Every time I try Yoga I get super dizzy, sometimes it gives me vertigo. It doesn't keep me stable while using my body.


The problem is that I still spend the majority of my time sitting or laying on my butt. It's not by choice, but by necessity. So I have a big flabby butt. The rest of my body doesn't reveal my lack of exercise that much, but my butt screams "I sit and lay too much!" I don't like it.

And that leads me to my next related issue: Clothes.

Notice how fitness and yoga clothes are the norm for women these days? Even jeans are skinny to show off our figures. Now, think of yourself as someone with chemical sensitivities that is reactive to synthetic fabrics, so you can only wear natural fibers and dyes without issues. Okay, now I want you to go shopping. Look for organic and natural clothing companies: Tasc Performance, Pact, Adventura, Synergy Organic, Toad and Co, Fisher's Finery, PrAna, Ten Tree, Groceries Apparel, Green Apple, LA Relaxed, etc. Find me some pants without added polyester that won't showcase how big my butt is. Please. And leave it in the comments when you find a pair. ;) Organic companies tend to make clothes for people who love fitness and have good bodies. Yes, they'll make sizes up to XL, but their pants (aka leggings) still tend to be tight. Almost all of these brands tailor their pants for women who do not have a curvy butt and wider hips. Maybe the problem is that I'm a size 8-10, I'm not overweight.

So I buy the pants and wear them, but I'm not happy about showing off just how out-of-shape my butt really is. I'd rather that my pants had enough thickness and structure to flatter my butt. But that's too much to ask, apparently. Carve Designs made a pair of jeans that fits my curvy figure and they're awesome, but I don't like the short inseam with the frizzy cut off bottoms. If they were full length pants I would hem them, but they're 29" - the perfect inseam length for me, so there's no room to hem.



I'm typing this post thinking about how badly I want to tone up. My mental energy wants me to go work out. My body is dizzy, feels like a brick, is sweating just sitting still in the cool air, with weak jello muscles, freezing icy cold toes, and keeps forgetting to breathe because it wants to stay still. I worked yesterday, and it was a physically demanding shift. Post exertional malaise.

Yearly Reflections

Hello world, my old friend. It's nice to think of you again.

Today is a day in which caffeine is only increasing my heart rate and blood pressure a little, not giving me energy. Well, perhaps enough energy to type this, but certainly not enough to move. I am one giant brick. A brick with itchy hives on my back. AGAIN. Round 4 of hives. If I had to work today I am not sure if I would find the strength to manage. All I have to do today is go to Fed Ex to make a quick drop-off. It's a 3 minute drive from my house. I'm having a difficult time even imaging myself making this trip. I have learned that when I am capable of imaging myself doing a task, then it means I have enough energy to handle it at some level.

Today is News Years Eve, the ultimate day of reflection and looking forward to new beginnings. I've been really moody for a few months - like out of control at times - so I partly want to do this post in defiance of my chronic bad mood.

So I'll be blunt.

2019 did not offer any changes to advance my healing process. That's about it. I'm the same as I have been. Exhausted, in occasional pain that ranges from mild to severe, not sleeping well to sleeping too deeply, weight has stayed between 10-20 pounds higher than I'd like, and nothing I've tried has improved me. 2019 has been a year of management.

So instead, I'll go over some of the highlights for me this year:

- I bought an Instant Pot. I HIGHLY recommend it! It has been saving time and energy, and I'm making better quality foods because it does so much of the work for me.

- I got to go to a Weird Al concert that took place 5 minutes away from my house. That was super fun - and he walked right in front of me! As a friend pointed out, this is my lame claim to fame now. Ha! This was one of those "worth getting sick" experiences, and I'm only remembering how much fun I had, not how I felt.

- My husband has begun grad school to get his doctorate, which has required him to live 3 hours a way for a few days a week. It's nothing against him, but it has given me more quiet alone time at home to be fully at rest. It's been very helpful in those moments, but also has been more stressful when he is home because the chores have increased. It has been a good experiment for me. I need to learn how to rest better and exercise my limited energy better, and I have better clarity on that now.

- I took care of a new garden this summer. My husband and father-in-law built it. Unfortunately, the weather this year has been difficult. Summer never really came before winter hit early. If I consider the weather, the garden was a success. I grew herbs and veggies and was able to eat them. Not everything grew or produced, but some things did. The energy required was a little more than I had, so it meant sacrificing doing other chores like loading the dishwasher. But I enjoyed it more!

- I have been able to develop deeper friendships with a couple of my friends, and I have people I can talk to every day about anything now. I struggle a lot with friends in person, simply because of the energy it takes. I almost always feel like I'm in a competition with everyone I talk to in person, a competition of give and take of energy. But talking online to people who are similar to me in terms of health struggles is awesome. Our energy can go into only typing to each other and reading responses on our own time. It's the lowest energy required, and it's allowing me to develop the strongest friendships I've had in many years. I'm really grateful for these people!

- The more I reflect on this year, the more I realize that this year has been about supporting my husband instead of doing much for myself. He has been taking on a lot of new challenges and succeeding. I do not believe there is any shame in women thriving in their roles of being a wife and homemaker over any type of job or career. We have moved towards a society in which women are judged on success based on their careers and how much money they make. I call BS. We should be judged on how much love we put out into the world, and that doesn't have to have anything do with money. I am valuable, and I have worked hard to understand that this year.



And so, world, I will enter the new decade in several hours. Do I need a fresh start? A new beginning? Oh yes, for sure - I think? But I won't get it, and that is okay. Next year will be a good year if I continue to manage as I have this year, and I don't foresee any major changes for me coming up this year. But I do have hope for the next decade that I will learn how to do more than manage. Perhaps I'll find the energy to finish writing my book and publish it. Perhaps I'll find a way to make more money without worsening my health. Perhaps I'll find a breakthrough with my health and get to live life with more energy again. Perhaps I'll get to experience major life changes that will give me new challenges that fit my energy level. It is very very likely that we will move. Maybe to a new city or state, maybe not. But the time to live in a place of our own is coming soon. Whatever this next year and decade have in store for me are worth looking forward to, even if it's more of the same for a while!

And now I might see if I can get a ride to Fed Ex. Ha!



But first, 10 year challenge:

2009:

Happy, full of adventure and wonder, loved to explore!

2019:

Still love to explore and enjoy being myself, but with a stoic spirit and relying on someone else to help me get around. I cut my bangs back to how they were in 2009, haha. Simplicity is easier.