Blood Pressure During Reactions

I get blood pressure problems in waves. I go a few weeks where it's good enough, then I go for a few weeks when it's problematic. Often it's just too low. 90/55 with a resting heart rate of 85 is pretty common for me. I always have a high heart rate. I have not seen it below 72 in the 2 years I've owned my blood pressure machine.

But a problem I'm seeing after exposure, in which I'm reacting, is that my systolic goes up while my diastolic goes down. Today I was downstairs, where a family member lives (so I don't spend much time there), helping my husband do some house repair. I spent some time vacuuming cobwebs and dust too. Fatigue and weakness increased quickly, but it took an hour or so before I got histamine issues. I used my neti pot and black gunk came out of my nose. I couldn't stop coughing for a while. Then came the vertigo and gut pain in the evening. I was so fatigued I couldn't follow what was happening in the TV show we were watching. I took my blood pressure at that point. Earlier in the day it was 93/58 then 98/60 (I took solid licorice extract). This last reading was 108/53. I see this happening whenever I'm reacting. Systolic goes up, diastolic goes down.

Apparently when this happens the body find a way to compensate. It restricts blood vessels and focuses blood on the brain. Apparently people can go years without being aware of blood pressure problems that are causing heart strain because of the body's ways of compensating. But what happens when those compensations fail? Heart failure. The heart can't keep up anymore. What happens when a person like me doesn't have a body that restricts blood flow by narrowing blood vessels? I get super fatigued and dizzy and have to lay down for however long it takes to improve.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700185266/Low-diastolic-high-systolic-blood-pressure-a-dangerous-combination.html

In all my research I can't find anything that will raise blood pressure at nighttime without raising cortisol too. Licorice raises cortisol. My nighttime cortisol is high, making it hard to sleep.

So tonight I'm laying here feeling a bit naceous and wondering what the gut cramping is trying to tell me, also feeling too fatigued to sleep. Fatigue and tiredness are not the same thing. I wish I felt more tired.

Tomorrow is another day, a day when my doctor will be in his clinic and I can talk to him.

Menstrual Details and Vent

It's days like today, when I'm stuck in bed, that make me wonder why it's impossible to win disability. The stress caused by trying to keep my job and stay in good graces with coworkers at my job when combating multiple chronic illnesses is just too much.

I've been proud of myself for how little I've called in sick in the past 2 years at my job. Through fibromyalgia flares, POTS flares, period pain, mental health episodes, fatigue both mild and heavy, and more I've worn my best face at work. I always strived to do a good job regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm so proud of myself for doing as well as I have at this job considering all my problems. I only reserve calling in sick for when it's impossible to drive. If I'm not safe to drive, work is out of the question.

The main reason I call in sick? The first day of my period. My boss was understanding of this situation when she hired me, which gave me so much relief. I was very concerned with finding a job that would work with my debilitating periods. I'm only part time a few days a week, so it's not every month that I need to call in sick for it. Yes, I've been quite happy with how little I've had to call in sick considering I'm chronically ill and didn't work for a year and a half due to illness.

I had to call in sick today. Not because I was planning to or want to, as my brain was very much in gear for what I was going to accomplish at work today. But because my period is 3 days early.

I feel that I need to publicly explain what the first day of my period is like, because I'm constantly met with so little understanding.

It starts with a terrible week of PMS. Cramping, strong mood issues, depersonalization (feel like reality is a dream and I'm not actually present in it), extreme bloating, very painful heavy breasts that don't fit in my bras during that week, and big fluctuations in blood sugar and blood pressure... The PMS is bad enough on its own.

Then the first day comes, sometimes over night, sometimes in the middle of the day. Lately it's been a slow build up to the explosion of problems, but I used to wake up to the extremes without warning. Lately it starts with vertigo that slowly increases, and that's my warning to check my Diva Cup to see if I've started bleeding. It doesn't take long for the diarrhea to kick in. All that bloating from the week of PMS? It saves up for the first day, no matter how good my bowel movements are that week. Vertigo + diarrhea + morning hunger = very unstable. Low blood sugar, low blood pressure, terrible circulation, freezing cold shivering... I sometimes end up crawling to the toilet.

Then, after the preliminary problems, comes the pain. Now I've had some periods this year with very little pain. Acupuncture, colonics, and my herbs do make a huge difference. But I never know if I'll have a bad first day or a not so bad first day (only in terms of pain.) When I have pain, the pain can be so horrendous that I'm screaming and crying. Moving any muscle, even a toe, can send waves of pure pain through my whole body. When I can't stop shaking/ shivering from the adrenaline rush the pain gives me the pain only amplifies. I've been in this situation enough times that I'm sure I have legit PTSD from my periods. It's traumatic. Think I'm exaggerating?  Well I can't prove it to you, but just ask my husband or mom. I am always on high alert with my periods always prepared to go to the ER if necessary... Except that when I'm in that much pain I can't move, and going to the ER requires moving.

For several years I relied in ibuprofen to manage the pain. The first time I was clued into how abnormal my periods really were was when a therapist I was the secretary for couldn't belive I had already taken 12 ibprofen that day and I was still in obvious pain. She told me she's never needed more than 2 or 3 to totally manage the pain. A doctor gave me opiods for it. They didn't quite work, just made my vertigo way more intense. This is why I think I have liver problems. My naturopath now has me on a tincture for pain that actually works exceptionally well, but leaves me feeling loopy and very fatigued. It doesn't help me go to work, but it lets me rest in bed without extreme pain. 

The next problem is that I can't rest in bed not moving for long. The amount of blood I bleed is crazy. The average woman looses 2 ounces of blood per period. A Diva Cup holds 1 ounce. For the first few years of using my Diva Cup I was emptying it every couple of hours when it was over flowing. On average I lost around 12-15 ounces per period, 3/4ths of it on the first day. In the blood would often be clots. Some clots were the size of a quarter, some the size of a golf ball. With all the medical help I've been getting in the last few years I've reduced down to losing about 6-9 oz per period. The clotting is more rare now, and generally smaller.

Have you ever sat on the toilet with extreme heaviness, constant diarrhea that gives exreme waves of pain through the whole body, hardly able to breathe from a heart rate so high that it feels like your heart will puncture a hole in your ribs? I've sat on the toilet thinking that was how I was going to die. I'm not prone to fainting, but I've sat there seeing spinning colors and dark tunnels in my vision.

Women, do you know what it's like to bleed this heavy? I've heard from some women that their periods are light enough at times that they don't need to wear any hygiene products. I've never experienced anything that light before. I don't know what it's like to have a "normal" period that doesn't really disrupt life much.

My gyno was convinced I have endometriosis: extreme pain, extreme bleeding, large clots in my blood, and what she saw during a pap smear. She wanted to do surgery: a laproscopy. The problem was it's $2,000 and insurance doesn't cover it. So I never ended up having it done to confirm the endometreosis, but other doctors I saw also said they were highly suspicious of endometresis. The biggest problem is that what if there's more than endo? What if I have cysts or fibroids? Without that surgery we won't know. But the fact that I'm slowly improving every year under my naturopath is giving me hope.

When I call in sick because of my period, this is what I'm actually calling in sick for. My period is pure hell. It's not just a few extra bathroom trips or a little extra pain. I so wish and pray my periods were that easy and manageable.

And so I lay here. The dizziness isn't bad as long as I'm still, but the cramping is starting. I'm wondering how to get up and make it to the bathroom. I'm wondering if I'll make it to the kitchen for food and my tincture. I have an awesome husband who takes care of me, but when he can't be home I need to manage on my own.

Don't ever assume I'm faking or using my period as an excuse. I have to plan my entire life around my period. I have to go on trips to my doctor based on when I'm going to start my period. I have to miss important events or family matters over my period. I can't plan big events more than a few months out because I have to make plans around when I'll be on my period. We can't make vacation plans when my husband has very rare time off if I'm on my period then. My whole life revolves around my period, and yes, it's a big deal. My period is the other thing I share my life with. It's my physically and mentally abusive soul mate. It's my jail cell. Don't ever assume I use it as an excuse, because I would much rather live my life without it being in control. When I say no because of my period it's sincere and honest.

Between this, mold toxicity and environmental allergies, and chemical sensitivities can you understand why I'm such a control freak that developed adrenal issues bad enough to cause POTS?

I need a psychologist. I know it. But I can't afford all the help I need. I'm just trying to live somewhat normally by working part time.

So please, work with me. Have mercy on me. I'm in a constant battle with my body. The stress of living after my body problems is too much for me.

Tachycardia is so Pleasant (sarcasm)

Oh how I so enjoy the tachycardia. :P

I love shivering when I'm not cold, struggling to remember to breathe, feeling my heart rate skyrocket and punch my throat in slight stress, feeling my heart rate skyrocket from just laying down, having purple mottled legs, heart burn from a digestive tract that freezes up on me when blood isn't moving well, bloating that never ends, falling over because I'm too weak to keep standing, seeing spinning colors when I stand up, saving up all my energy and strength for only the hours I go to work and ending up collapsing at home...

Yeah, I've been suspicious of POTS for years. I didn't bring up my suspicion to my doctor, but he tested my heart rate and blood pressure long enough and careful enough to find POTS symptoms.

Right now I've been laying on my back for 2 hours, talking on the phone for some of that time (talking always winds me up because it takes energy - I don't like to sit and talk anymore, too draining), and I counted my resting heart rate a few times. 92, 96, 105. Laying down!

I think I've had symptoms for years, but in the last 6 months or so symptoms have been most obvious and exagerrated. I was complaining to my doctor about how sore and achey my heart was. It hurt a lot! I wasn't used to that kind of heart pain.

I was born with a heart murmur: pulmenory stenosis. It never went away. I still have it. Cardiologists have needed me to get echocardiograms every couple of years my whole life. Every one I've seen has always been startled and confused by how loud my heart is and the gurgling noises it apparent makes. My heart has always been in good health according to the tests, but the fact that the murmur never went away and it makes weird noises worries cardiologists. After reading up on POTS I found that it's fairly common for POTS patients to have a murmur too. I have not decided what this means yet, but it's interesting.

I'm writing this on my phone out of anxiety and chest pain. Really not feeling well. I'll consider going into more depth on the subject later. 

Current Favorite Products

I've been updating this post as I think of things to add to it, and I may continue to update it. These are my current favorite products!

Lauren Brooke Cosmetiques

The whole entire brand. I've written about natural and organic make up before, including Lauren Brooke lip colors (I never finished that post because... fatigue and sickness making me not look camera ready), Mineral Fusion, and MyChelle. MyChelle no longer makes make up. I don't understand why, because they had this awesome foundation cream stick that I loved, but the company decided to focus on skin care instead of cosmetics. Such a disappointment. I switched to Mineral Fusion pressed powder foundation. I like it a lot, but I find it's a bit dry and I broke out to their liquid foundation. I learned that Mineral Fusion is not 100% trustworthy and only some of their products are safe, but the safe products are excellent and I highly recommend. I decided to finally try Lauren Brooke's pressed powder. I'm never going back. It's the bomb! It's not drying, applies really smoothly and evenly, and has this radiance to it that Mineral Fusion didn't give me. I don't feel it on my skin. It looks so natural and feels so natural, but covers the perfect amount and warms up my skin tone nicely. It also neutralizes my undereye bags without concealer! It doesn't hide them like concealer, but it masks the purple color so it looks like I'm not wearing make up or trying to hide them.

I just purchased two new items from them (as in minutes ago, have not arrived yet.) One is their lash conditioner. They sent me a sample of it last time I ordered. I never really thought I wanted a lash conditioner until I tried it, but the sample of it convinced me. It helped tone down my itching and my lashes did act stronger - as in, not falling out at the normal rate. What I would actually like from regular use of it is to regrow lashes. I have a "bald patch" in my lashes that drives me nuts. This conditioner has horsetail in it, and from my understanding, horsetail is the only herb known to create new hair growth (as opposed to helping the hair you already have grow more.)

The other new item I just bought is their creme concealer. I have an issue with eye shadows creasing on me - all brands, doesn't seem to matter if it's powder or liquid. Reviewers said this concealer mixes really well with eye shadow and prevents the creasing. I'm going to test this out and see if it's true! As it is, I tend to wear very light amounts of eye shadow so that when it ends up creasing it's not as obvious. I want to be able to rock a normal layer of eye shadow for hours!

I'm wearing Lauren Brooke Cool 20 Pressed Powder Foundation in this photo (along with Honeybee Garden eye liner, and Mineral Fusion mascara and blush.) I took this on a day when I was feeling badly and tried to get ready for work, so I did my make up, but wasn't strong enough to actually work. I never expected to use the photo, lol, but you can see how it makes my skin look natural with a glow. My chest skin was more pale than normal. I love it!






Biokleen Laundry Powder and Oxygen Bleach Plus

This has been a miracle worker for me! I use the Premium Plus one because it doesn't have corn products in it like the Fragrance Free one does (I'm allergic to corn.) I can use the Fragrance Free liquid from them, but I prefer this powder. It has Zeolite and hydrogen peroxide in it, both of which are excellent ingredients for KILLING perfumes and other fragrances. I might have to wash 2-3 times to get rid of badly contaminated clothing, but the majority of the time one wash is enough to completely remove any trace amounts of fragrances that stick to my clothes. It's awesome!!! It also cleans really well and keeps whites very white. This is the lowest effort most effective laundry product I've ever used.

The oxygen bleach is on the same page I link to. It's like Oxyclean, only with trustworthy ingredients. I use this in toilet tanks and to soak my bath tub with. The toilets have less grime and my tub that is stained a bit brown from using Redmond's Bath Salt Plus turned white. With no scrubbing. :D


This handmade turtle from a Fair Trade store in Minneapolis
...that was on clearance for $4 and I finally found a small succulent for.





Sierra Trading Post

Their website. It's part of the TJMaxx chain of stores, but is for outdoor and recreation enthusiasts. They sell a good variety of organic clothing and eco products. It may not be GOTS certified sweatshop free organic clothing, which is my preference, but I only work 12-16 hours a week. I can't afford my standard unless it's on clearance. I have a small variety of GOTS certified sweat shop clothing in my closet, but it was all purchased on good sales. When I need some article of clothing and I can't find what I need on sale elsewhere, going simply for organic cotton from Sierra Trading Post is amazingly helpful. It's all liquidation, so their selection is constantly changing, but their prices are fantastic. I've bought both organic clothing (brands like Prana, Patagonia, United By Blue, and Adventura) and natural leather with rubber shoes from them at huge savings. I can't rely on them to have what I need, but I've scored great deals from them. And it's excellent for men too! The focus on organic clothing is on women, but they actually have a good variety for men!

The only problem? Their return policy. You'll have to pay to return, which can make returns not worth it on some items. But their prices and discounts make up for it. Just make friends who will buy items that don't fit you.

Choice Mental Focus Tea and Choice Vanilla Roobios Tea

I drink a ton of tea. I can only drink water and tea, no juices or coffee or sodas. I'm limited in which teas I can drink due to medicinal properties of some teas and herbs, but thankfully both of these work for me. I use caffeine sparingly and I plan out when to drink it. I'm sensitive to it, so I have to be careful. Both of these are caffeine free, but work great in the day time! The Mental Focus tea is awesome when I'm wanting to lift brain fog without using caffeine. It really does help! The Vanilla Roobios tea just has this silky smooth dark flavor, and I love dark green and black tea. It's my caffeine-free dark flavor replacement. Sooooooo good!



GoWise USA Blood Pressure Monitor

I have blood pressure issues. I haven't written much about it yet, but I appear to have POTS (doctor tested). POTS is a heart rate issue, but in my case it's a blood pressure issue too. I'll get into this someday when I'm ready to write about the things stressing me out again, lol. Anyway, I bought this last year to monitor myself so I could learn when I was fighting low blood pressure instead of having another issue, like hypoglycemia. It has been really insightful. This monitor uses an arm cuff, which is much more accurate than the write monitors. It's not perfect because it's a machine, which uses averages to calculate. My doctor measures my blood pressure manually and spends a lot more time measuring it to be accurate and see how it fluctuates. This machine won't show fluctuations. But for an at home tool it actually is accurate enough to be helpful. I didn't get excited about it last year because it didn't ever seem to be accurate, but it was my fault. I was measuring incorrectly. I fixed my posture and arm position, which made all the difference in the world!

It does measure heart rate too. I think a normal person could trust the heart rate reading on it, but it doesn't read long enough for someone like me. My heart rate jumps all over the place within seconds. I think it give me an average, like Fitbit does (I'll get into why Fitbit is the wrong tool for people with POTS later.) But what it does tell me is when my resting heart rate is simply too high. Mine is often in the 80's, sometimes in the 90's. That's really not good.






This Shark Vacuum

Vacuuming has always been an issue for me. I get allergy issues if I don't vacuum, but I get allergy issues if I do. It's because the vacuum we had before just kicked up dust and only collected part of it. My husband came to me and said he wanted to get me a better vacuum, but didn't want to get it for me for a holiday or birthday because he didn't want to imply that I'm just an objectified house maid. lol! So he got it for us "for Memorial Day." Ha! He was teasing, because I'm not sensitive about such things, but I enjoyed the laugh.

Anyway, this vacuum sucks! It actually sucks hard without kicking dust up into the air! It has 2 more amps (power) than the last vacuum, and it has a HEPA filter built in to prevent any dust from leaving through the exhaust. It's not only collecting a lot more from our carpet, it's allowing me to vacuum as much as I want without even needing to wear my face mask! All the other features are wonderful on it too, but the fact alone that the suction is powerful and it has a HEPA filter is enough to make me fall in love with it. If you need an allergy friendly vacuum, I highly recommend this one!



This was after a quick vacuum around the upstairs to try out the new vacuum. I had just vacuumed the week prior with the old vacuum. Clearly the old vacuum wasn't picking up very much...



Om Pure Air mask

I've been using Vog Mask, but suddenly I couldn't find their organic cotton version anywhere for sale. My old 2 from them are too worn out and they're not refreshing in the sun. It's hard to breathe through them. So I was forced to find an alternative to buy. I bought this mask, and despite it taking 4 weeks to ship to me, I actually like it better than Vog Mask. It's easier to breathe through it, it fits my face better and seals better, and it's more effective. I think they have a better carbon filter than Vog Mask uses. I'll want to write a full review on this later, so stay tuned for that.





Hemp Organic Life Etsy store

This shop is awesome. All the products are made from organic hemp and linen, and they are high quality. I bought an organic hemp sleeping bag from her to use when I need to travel and sleep in beds that aren't my safe organic latex bed. I bought it as a barrier between me and the bed so I wouldn't have skin contact, at the very least, with the flame retardants, polyester, and other synthetics. I'll review this sleeping bag after traveling with it later this summer, so stay tuned for that, but snuggling with it at home is wonderful! It breathes so well, but also traps in enough body heat to keep me comfortable. The fabric is strong. It's mildly scratchy the same way wool is, but it's softening up with washing. I actually really like that slightly rough texture, I think it feels good on my skin. Anyway, she did a fantastic job with this sleeping bag. She's from the Ukraine, so shipping almost made me cry, but it was so incredibly worth it! You can see how comfortable it is:



She also sent me a free gift of these linen socks, which are so perfect. They're very breathable, but keep me warm. They feel cozy on my skin. These are the best free gift I've received with an order!






Redmond's new Tooth Powder in Black Licorice

So... normally I'm an advocate of making your own toothpaste from scratch in order to save money and save plastic. It's really easy to make with bentonite clay and charcoal. But in this case, Redmond made theirs better than the DIY version. How, you ask? By making it very powdery. It's so much finer than any toothpowder I've made from scratch, and therefore it feels so much softer on the teeth. It brushes better and is much easier to rinse out of my mouth. But the best part? The black licorice flavor. It's awesome. It's so good. I accidently bought the peppermint version and I don't care for the flavor of it.

Also, for those of you who really don't want to do DIY, this is a great option, even though it's in plastic, because the tooth powder lasts about 3x longer than their Earthpaste in the tubes.



Avocado Oil Spray

I'm not sure I have to justify why this is a favorite thing of mine. It's a super healthy fat in spray form without aerosol. I just spray it on salads and it's perfectly evenly distributed on the leafs. I spray it on chicken before it goes on the grill and it means I don't have to massage the chicken with oily hands to get a nice thin coating of oil on it.



Badger Face Oil Set:

Organic oils in a glass pump bottle - they're perfect! I don't react to any of the sets except the Argan oil one, which has orange essential oil in it. I don't do well with citrus oils. They're so gentle, take off make up way better than just coconut oil, and moisturize very well. I wear the face oil under my make up and it doesn't leave me greasy whatsoever. I can't say enough good about this set! My skin looks much more supple with regular use.



Vitamin C and Glutathione IVs (and my Mom.)

I had two of these on my last trip to see my doctor. They made me really nauseous and gave me some nasty headaches. I wanted to throw up, but was made very thirsty from them at the same time. I felt like a trillion micro explosions were happening in my body all at once. Why do I like them so much, then? Because they seriously help a lot after my body calms down from receiving the IV. Better energy, better mood, much less severe reactions to things, better digestion, clearer head and clearer thinking, less overall body pain... they're helpful! But the effect doesn't last long enough. I need to have them done regularly.



Dr. Bronner's Baby Mild Soap

This soap is fragrance free, doesn't dry out my skin, is organic and doesn't irritate my skin, and is very travel friendly. I accidently left my container of it in the bathroom where my Chiropractor and Acupuncturist are. As you can see that building stocks heavily scented soaps - it's hard for me to use their bathroom and I need to slip on my mask to go in there (it's a shared building and they don't choose the soap.) My container was mostly full when I left it there, and exactly a week later it was only a quarter full. People were choosing my fragrance free soap over the fake scented cancer causing soap! That gave me a lot of hope for humanity, lol.

I buy the large 32 oz container of it and keep refilling this little one. I keep this small container in my purse so that I have safe soap with me in public.






Wokamon App

I got myself the cheap Fitbit Flex 2 because AT&T was having a special on them. I wish I had researched fitness trackers before impulsively getting it. At the time I didn't think I wanted to spend more for a heart rate monitor, and I was wasn't wrong to think that since Fitbit's heart rate monitoring isn't detailed enough for people with POTS, but some monitoring would be nice. It also doesn't have a GPS, so I can't map my walks with it. I was mostly interested in the sleep tracking feature, but as it turns out, it's not accurate. I think it's sleeping when I'm laying in bed with my eyes open wondering when I'll ever finally drift off to sleep.

But it's not all a disappointment! I know I can't challenge myself to do more exercise with it in my condition, but it's actually been helpful to see how much walking I do on a normal work day vs normal non-work day. I can see how active I really am when I tell my doctor how much exercise I think I'm getting.

The best part? Wokamon and Achievemint, two apps that are weirdly motivating.

Wokamon is the modern day smart phone Tomagachi, lol! You must take care of your monsters by leveling them up with steps from your fitness tracker. When it tells me I only need 156 more steps to level up, I actually want to get up and get those steps in, even when I'm feeling lazy and tired. I am too motivated by reward systems in video games. :) But hey, it's fun and it's working! I might only average 3,000 steps a day (so I can't compete), but my monsters are leveling up!

Achievemint pays you for using a fitness tracker. You can earn up to $10 a month for all the activity you do with your fitness tracker. It's going to end up being more like $10 every 6 months at the rate I earn points, but hey, I'll take the $10 when I finally earn it!




30% Grain White Vinegar

This stuff works amazingly for killing weeds. It burns weeds, but leaves the roots. After the weed shrivels up you'll have to spray again to burn the roots. The fact of the matter is that it's non-toxic and highly effective! That said, it does burn the skin. Cover your skin when applying!

It IS made from corn, but it's non-GMO corn. The company doesn't verify if the corn was sprayed with Round Up or not, but they do claim the corn is non-GMO and Round Up is mainly used on GMOs. It's also just the acid from the corn, so it doesn't seem to cause me allergic issues (I'm allergic to corn.) I'm not consuming it, just spraying it on weeds.


These reusable organic cotton produce bags

I've been using these for years now, but they're still one of my favorite things. They are fantastic for buying fresh produce with because they weigh nothing, they're breathable, and they keep produce fresh and clean. They wash very easily.

But I discovered a new use for them! They're perfect for washing bras in and other delicates in! Instead of a nylon mesh bag designed for bras, I just stick my bra in one of these, tie the top loosely, and throw it in the washer and dryer. My bras are coming out cleaner than when I used the nylon mesh bag, and I'm guessing the cotton allows more soap through. These bags make my life so much easier!


Alaffia Bubble Bath

This bubble bath is by far the best Alaffia product. It bubbles really well, the bubbles last a long time, it's effective soap, and it's great for washing hair with! I like to mix Starwick Botanical's Kelp powder, baking soda (to neutralize chlorine), and this bubble bath together. I'll wash my hair in the bathwater and soak in it for a while. Then I'll even shave my legs in the bathwater. The bubble bath stays soapy enough to keep my legs lubricated enough to shave with. I rinse in the shower after, of course. I don't particularly care for this brand's shampoo or conditioner (I loved them at first, then it started leaving residue in my hair that wouldn't wash out), but this bubble bath couldn't be better!


Mantra Sports Pilates Ring

I had to let this off gas for a while before I could use it - it's not safe right out of the box for MCS people like myself. But after it stopped being smelly I was able to play with it. The reason I like it is because it allows me to use my muscles even when I'm stuck in bed on my back. I just put it between my legs and squeeze. I put it between my ankles and lift it with my legs. I hold it in my hands and squeeze it and pull it apart. The simple resistance it offers helps me a lot when my muscles feel restless but I'm not feeling strong enough to stand up and walk around. There are probably other great similar products, but this is the one I chose and I really like it!



My acupressure mat - I still love this thing so much!!



....And more. I'm forgetting plenty of things I want to share with you, I'm sure of it, but I've been working on this post slowly all day. I'm done. :) I've leaving out obvious things I've already reviewed, such as my new organic latex bed, which I can't say enough good about! Seriously, your bed matters. A lot.

Mental Health Part 2

I won't apologize for my last post in which I worried some of you. Thank you to those of you who reached out and expressed concern. I believe the post was important to write because I needed to express how much I was suffering. The way my illnesses affect my mental health is important to solving my illnesses, and hopefully helps others make sense of their illnesses.

Last month I flew out to see my doctor again. It was a long overdue much needed appointment. I believe the therapies I had done in the clinic stirred up some toxins in my body, which probably contributed to that bought of severe depression I just went through. It certainly made a difference in my body - I can feel less of a toxic body burden weighing me down. But I did stir up toxicity nonetheless.

I'm doing better again. Anxiety attacks have calmed down, and the brain fog has lifted enough that I no longer am stuck in depression. I don't know if it's due to my body calming down after the therapies, or perhaps it's because the sun finally came out. Suddenly, literally over night, the temps went from 60's to 90's. It's been in the 90's all week. The sun feels AMAZING. What's interesting about that is that my lab test results came back, and it said my vitamin D level is at 88. 88!!! It's taken 3 years to raise my level to where it's almost supposed to be (I should be in the 90's according to my doctor.) 3 years of 15,000iu a day!! The reason the sun helps me so much must not be the vitamin D it gives me. It must be something else. I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and winter is like a slow mild poison to my mental health. Mix that with stirring up toxins in my body and it's a disaster.

But there's also the other elephant in the room: stress! Stress is constant. Stress prevents recovery and rest. Stress makes me spend energy I don't have, wearing me out further. Stress puts my body into depression. The worse my adrenals, the worse my mental health. I lose the ability to spend energy on thinking. Memory recall, planning, dreaming/brainstorming, problem solving, learning... yep, it all shuts down. The more stressed I am, the less brain power I have. Stress is pure poison to me, and I get so frustrated and angry when people don't respect this fact. When people give me more problems, tasks to accomplish, or worries to worry about it actually makes my brain work less well and diminishes my ability to do what they tell me to do. The anger at others not understanding this problem stresses me further. I shut down. I ignore problems and tasks. It's fight or flight, but flight is the only option because there's no energy to fight. I simply cannot tolerate stress. Yes, I really do need to live in a bubble, and people don't understand this need either. Give me enough time to rest in my bubble and my body will recharge and I'll have energy to spend on working through stress again. But I'm burn out mode. I have NOTHING to give. So naturally, my husband wanting me to look for lodging that will work for me so we can go on a 10 year anniversary trip... sigh, stress.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to me and told me I can talk about my depression with you. It's very kind of you, and I need to know I have that kind of love and support in my life. This might sound backwards to you, but this is the truth: There's nothing to talk about. It's not a depression due to problems. It's a depression due to lack of energy and brain power. So talking would make it worse. It would use up energy I need to rest with. I know that some types of depression are solved with friend therapy and support from others, but mine is the type that requires me to be alone. I'm not entering further into the darkness through isolation. I'm letting myself recharge. Once a phone's battery is down to 10%, trying to use it only drains the battery faster, and the only solution is to stop using it and plug it in. I'm that phone at 10%. Well, I was. I'm probably at 25 % now. I'm no longer in "battery saving mode," but I'm on the verge of it. Let me charge more. :)

I know there's a lot to update you all on in this blog. I need to finish my mattress part 3 post, write about the new organic hemp sleeping bag I bought, talk about my new lab results, and go into a blood pressure and heart rate issue I have. I want to talk about some other product reviews too. I'll probably write about it all eventually, if I'm up to it. I can't take the pressure, so if it happens it happens. I only write in this blog when I need the therapy that comes from writing, so bear with me. :)

Mental Health

My life has been a nightmare for a couple of months. It's not due to bad things happening, not exactly (some extremely stressful situations happened that are major contributors), it's due to the severe fatigue. I haven't been calm, collected, and thoughtful while getting through the rough issues. I've been so exhausted that anxiety has controlled me. Anxiety clouded my mind while visiting my doctor, who is very expensive to go see. I'm anxious that I might have acted unlike myself while visiting his clinic. I'm anxious that my memory of our visit is blurred with anxious thoughts instead of reality. I'm anxious about being unable to trust myself due to anxiety controlling me.

All I'm thinking about is why people might be mad at me, might be trying to avoid me, might be hurt by things I didn't understand I was doing... But the truth is, I don't remember doing anything to make anyone feel this way towards me. There's nothing specific I'm stuck on. No one is treating me differently. It's just a feeling that is overwhelming me. A feeling giving me nightmares during day and night. A feeling so stressful that I can't recover. I can't rest well enough to regain strength.

Two major stressors affected me: traveling by plane to my doctor (lack of energy to travel and withstand MCS reactions in hotel rooms), and my work place getting in potential legal trouble over something we honestly sincerely believed was legal. I panicked that I wouldn't have a job to return to because my boss was going to be in jail. No charges are being pressed because we could prove our ignorance, but the panic attack still haunted me. The anxiety was strong before this panic attack, so it put me over the edge.

I learned about myself that I internalize too much these days. I believe I've learned to do this because I don't have someone to talk to when I need to. Even if my husband offers to listen (he is WAY too busy making money) I don't want to burden him more. So I hold it in and let nightmares take over my mind.

My doctor gave me a homeopathic remedy for anxiety that works. It is very helpful. It's not string enough to pull me all the way out of a panic attack, but for less disabling anxiety it helps reduce it enough that I can regain control.

I've had anxiety, depression, and mental health issues for a few years now. But this has been the most severe since almost 4 years ago when I was bedridden and felt suicidal. I'm not suicidal now, but I don't want to live this life anymore. The burden of being strong is too much. The burden of caring about people is too much. The burden of problem solving is too much. The burden of being a friend to people I truly love and cherish is too much. I'm exhausted. The fatigue is crushing me.

If this scares you away, so be it. I can only afford energy to people who care to support me right now. This is the most co-dependant thing to say, but it's only due to exhaustion, not manipulation.

This all comes in waves. If I'm occupied with something like shopping, cleaning, cooking, or taking care of something important I'm ok, but only as long as I have enough energy in those momements. If I have to be occupied with a task when I don't have the energy, the anxiety grows far worse.

I've always been a person who focuses too strongly and can't break away easily. Fatigue usually increases my focus. But now, I feel like I have ADHD. I can't enjoy anything I do. I have to switch between a mobile game, a project, reading an article, planningning dinner (for instance) every few minutes. If I try to focus I get anxious that the other thing needs to be done instead. I get jittery. I fidget. I can't enjoy things I love to do. It's driving me insane.  I've never experienced this before.

It's like constant adrenaline that won't let me rest. Just let me rest. Please. All the work I've done to repair my adrenals over the last 3 years better not be undone. Please don't break down on me again.

I want to break down and cry, but it's not working. I just break down with nightmares.

I'm living for the waves where I'm feeling stable. My heart goes out to everyone who feels like this regularly, for years. I understand better now. Only I have hope that I'll recover to a certain point, again, because I've done it before and I have the most helpful doctor ever. All the herbs and tinctures he has me taking work. I just need to recover. It might be a few more weeks, it might be a few more months... But I will eventually pick up again.

But please, don't give me any more panic attacks. I'm too strong, so it's hard to see when I've had too much to bear. I can internalize heavy stress and save dealing with it for later. I don't break down when I'm with other people. So just assume I can't bear it.

And thank you, doctor, for being so helpful that I can rely on you.

Thank you, husband, for being my pillar of strength and my hope and motivation for the future. 

Thank you, mom and dad, for taking care of me. All of my progress in healing would have been impossible without you!

Lamantations

I've not forgotten about this blog or some of my blog projects. I've just honestly had such a rough 2017 so far that any energy I've had to blog with was better spent on something more important. Even now I have more important things to do be doing, but I don't have the energy required for them and am able to sit at the computer and type.

I'm so burned out that my adrenal fatigue isn't just manifesting as exhaustion, it's giving me physical pain now. My whole torso area feels like one big knot, I have regular heartburn, my inner ears are ringing and spasming, my gut is giving me occasional sharp sudden pains, my head is cloudy to the point of headaches, and my muscles are getting so tight that it's causing numbness in my shoulders and arms. To top it off, I'm fairly sure I have another hiatal hernia, which might be the true reason for the heart burn. Food and pills aren't going down well, I'm hiccuping and burping a lot, and I'm getting spasms behind my rib cage.

What do I do about it? Stop stressing! That hasn't been possible this week - this week has been horrible. Let me explain: One co-worker was in the hospital, another is going through a serious family emergency and had to miss work to be with the family, and another got really sick for a day. I started my period this week, and as I've made clear before, I can't work on the first day of my period because it's very severe. I'm not complaining here - without my illness, I'm happy to help and do extra in these situations. But the result is that I worked 5/6 days this week when I normally only work 3-4 days a week. I had no choice but to work on the first day of my period, only for 2 hours, but the amount of stress I went through wondering if I was capable and able was awful. If I didn't work those two hours the store might have needed to close due to a lack of employees. Stress!

In addition to work stress, my pet cockatiel is going through a hard time hormonally and decided to start plucking her feathers. That made me feel like a horrible bird mom and I stressed a ton about if I should take her to the vet or if I need to change something I'm doing with her... I took it personally, like I was doing something wrong.

To get through high stress I should take extra of my Adrenal Complex from my doctor. Only... I ran out. It takes a week to get a shipment from him, and I'll be there in person in less than a week. So I've had to make due with extra solid licorice extract, Siberian ginseng, rhodiola, b12, and caffeine. It's helping, but not enough. The caffeine was making my bloody noses from seasonal allergies worse too. I have a bottle of Adrenal Cortex coming through the mail tomorrow. I know the cortex on its own does help, but it's maybe a quarter as effective as my doctor's Adrenal Complex.

Since my adrenals are so bad right now I'm having an extremely difficult time sleeping. I'm taking extra of my sleeping pills, but it's just giving me heartburn from the hernia. I'd take extra sublingual melatonin that doesn't go through the stomach, but I seem to be reacting to it all of the sudden. It's giving me a rapid heart heart and breathing troubles.

I have to gear up for work tomorrow, packing and preparations on Tuesday, and a full day of flying on Wednesday. I'm going to see my doctor, if I can survive until then. As it is now, I just hurt and really need to be beamed to my doctor by Scotty.

Yesterday after work I was feeling so fried that my inhibitions started to crumble and I started to fantasize about drinking a frappecinno while going on a huge shopping spree and buying tons of stuff to make me feel better. I might have been hypoglycemic and craving the sugar. But the shopping part? Why do I feel the impulse to spend money when I'm feeling so terrible - would new things make me feel better? I doubt it. And shopping takes energy, so it's weird to feel that impulse.

I'm so incredibly sick of hearing, "Yeah I'm tired too." Maybe you are, it's not a comparison, but what you need to understand is that my fatigue is debilitating. You can function while feeling tired. My body actually shuts down and acts against my will. There is a different between tired and chronic fatigue. If you actually have a mild level of chronic fatigue that lets you work full time then take a good hard look at what I'm going through and do everything you can to get better before you turn into me. Working full time is like a dream to me. I hardly remember what it was like to have the energy and stamina to work even 20 hours a week regularly.

Sigh. Social media is so wonderful, but it's also letting me see too much of the world. I see photos of people I really love and care about being so happy and successful, and it makes me feel sad and jealous. I'm sincerely happy for them. I'm truly glad that they're successful in their careers, are able to afford to buy a house and start a family, have an amazing relationship with someone who's full of energy, and are genuinely enjoying life. I'm not jealous in a mean way, I'm jealous in a sad way for myself. I want what they have. I want the energy to conquer life. I want the stamina to be surrounded with family that loves me. I want the vitality to explore the world. It's all a dream to me, one that's getting fuzzier as the years with this illness drag on. Don't get me wrong: I love my husband to death. But I'm dragging him down and making it hard for him to get his doctorate and advance in his career. I'm spending all our money on medical expenses so we can't save for a house. I'm not able to start a family. I'm really grateful that he's handling it so very well, but I know this isn't what he wanted out of life either.

I have a new favorite song, Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine: