Mental Health Part 2

I won't apologize for my last post in which I worried some of you. Thank you to those of you who reached out and expressed concern. I believe the post was important to write because I needed to express how much I was suffering. The way my illnesses affect my mental health is important to solving my illnesses, and hopefully helps others make sense of their illnesses.

Last month I flew out to see my doctor again. It was a long overdue much needed appointment. I believe the therapies I had done in the clinic stirred up some toxins in my body, which probably contributed to that bought of severe depression I just went through. It certainly made a difference in my body - I can feel less of a toxic body burden weighing me down. But I did stir up toxicity nonetheless.

I'm doing better again. Anxiety attacks have calmed down, and the brain fog has lifted enough that I no longer am stuck in depression. I don't know if it's due to my body calming down after the therapies, or perhaps it's because the sun finally came out. Suddenly, literally over night, the temps went from 60's to 90's. It's been in the 90's all week. The sun feels AMAZING. What's interesting about that is that my lab test results came back, and it said my vitamin D level is at 88. 88!!! It's taken 3 years to raise my level to where it's almost supposed to be (I should be in the 90's according to my doctor.) 3 years of 15,000iu a day!! The reason the sun helps me so much must not be the vitamin D it gives me. It must be something else. I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and winter is like a slow mild poison to my mental health. Mix that with stirring up toxins in my body and it's a disaster.

But there's also the other elephant in the room: stress! Stress is constant. Stress prevents recovery and rest. Stress makes me spend energy I don't have, wearing me out further. Stress puts my body into depression. The worse my adrenals, the worse my mental health. I lose the ability to spend energy on thinking. Memory recall, planning, dreaming/brainstorming, problem solving, learning... yep, it all shuts down. The more stressed I am, the less brain power I have. Stress is pure poison to me, and I get so frustrated and angry when people don't respect this fact. When people give me more problems, tasks to accomplish, or worries to worry about it actually makes my brain work less well and diminishes my ability to do what they tell me to do. The anger at others not understanding this problem stresses me further. I shut down. I ignore problems and tasks. It's fight or flight, but flight is the only option because there's no energy to fight. I simply cannot tolerate stress. Yes, I really do need to live in a bubble, and people don't understand this need either. Give me enough time to rest in my bubble and my body will recharge and I'll have energy to spend on working through stress again. But I'm burn out mode. I have NOTHING to give. So naturally, my husband wanting me to look for lodging that will work for me so we can go on a 10 year anniversary trip... sigh, stress.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to me and told me I can talk about my depression with you. It's very kind of you, and I need to know I have that kind of love and support in my life. This might sound backwards to you, but this is the truth: There's nothing to talk about. It's not a depression due to problems. It's a depression due to lack of energy and brain power. So talking would make it worse. It would use up energy I need to rest with. I know that some types of depression are solved with friend therapy and support from others, but mine is the type that requires me to be alone. I'm not entering further into the darkness through isolation. I'm letting myself recharge. Once a phone's battery is down to 10%, trying to use it only drains the battery faster, and the only solution is to stop using it and plug it in. I'm that phone at 10%. Well, I was. I'm probably at 25 % now. I'm no longer in "battery saving mode," but I'm on the verge of it. Let me charge more. :)

I know there's a lot to update you all on in this blog. I need to finish my mattress part 3 post, write about the new organic hemp sleeping bag I bought, talk about my new lab results, and go into a blood pressure and heart rate issue I have. I want to talk about some other product reviews too. I'll probably write about it all eventually, if I'm up to it. I can't take the pressure, so if it happens it happens. I only write in this blog when I need the therapy that comes from writing, so bear with me. :)