Mental Health

My life has been a nightmare for a couple of months. It's not due to bad things happening, not exactly (some extremely stressful situations happened that are major contributors), it's due to the severe fatigue. I haven't been calm, collected, and thoughtful while getting through the rough issues. I've been so exhausted that anxiety has controlled me. Anxiety clouded my mind while visiting my doctor, who is very expensive to go see. I'm anxious that I might have acted unlike myself while visiting his clinic. I'm anxious that my memory of our visit is blurred with anxious thoughts instead of reality. I'm anxious about being unable to trust myself due to anxiety controlling me.

All I'm thinking about is why people might be mad at me, might be trying to avoid me, might be hurt by things I didn't understand I was doing... But the truth is, I don't remember doing anything to make anyone feel this way towards me. There's nothing specific I'm stuck on. No one is treating me differently. It's just a feeling that is overwhelming me. A feeling giving me nightmares during day and night. A feeling so stressful that I can't recover. I can't rest well enough to regain strength.

Two major stressors affected me: traveling by plane to my doctor (lack of energy to travel and withstand MCS reactions in hotel rooms), and my work place getting in potential legal trouble over something we honestly sincerely believed was legal. I panicked that I wouldn't have a job to return to because my boss was going to be in jail. No charges are being pressed because we could prove our ignorance, but the panic attack still haunted me. The anxiety was strong before this panic attack, so it put me over the edge.

I learned about myself that I internalize too much these days. I believe I've learned to do this because I don't have someone to talk to when I need to. Even if my husband offers to listen (he is WAY too busy making money) I don't want to burden him more. So I hold it in and let nightmares take over my mind.

My doctor gave me a homeopathic remedy for anxiety that works. It is very helpful. It's not string enough to pull me all the way out of a panic attack, but for less disabling anxiety it helps reduce it enough that I can regain control.

I've had anxiety, depression, and mental health issues for a few years now. But this has been the most severe since almost 4 years ago when I was bedridden and felt suicidal. I'm not suicidal now, but I don't want to live this life anymore. The burden of being strong is too much. The burden of caring about people is too much. The burden of problem solving is too much. The burden of being a friend to people I truly love and cherish is too much. I'm exhausted. The fatigue is crushing me.

If this scares you away, so be it. I can only afford energy to people who care to support me right now. This is the most co-dependant thing to say, but it's only due to exhaustion, not manipulation.

This all comes in waves. If I'm occupied with something like shopping, cleaning, cooking, or taking care of something important I'm ok, but only as long as I have enough energy in those momements. If I have to be occupied with a task when I don't have the energy, the anxiety grows far worse.

I've always been a person who focuses too strongly and can't break away easily. Fatigue usually increases my focus. But now, I feel like I have ADHD. I can't enjoy anything I do. I have to switch between a mobile game, a project, reading an article, planningning dinner (for instance) every few minutes. If I try to focus I get anxious that the other thing needs to be done instead. I get jittery. I fidget. I can't enjoy things I love to do. It's driving me insane.  I've never experienced this before.

It's like constant adrenaline that won't let me rest. Just let me rest. Please. All the work I've done to repair my adrenals over the last 3 years better not be undone. Please don't break down on me again.

I want to break down and cry, but it's not working. I just break down with nightmares.

I'm living for the waves where I'm feeling stable. My heart goes out to everyone who feels like this regularly, for years. I understand better now. Only I have hope that I'll recover to a certain point, again, because I've done it before and I have the most helpful doctor ever. All the herbs and tinctures he has me taking work. I just need to recover. It might be a few more weeks, it might be a few more months... But I will eventually pick up again.

But please, don't give me any more panic attacks. I'm too strong, so it's hard to see when I've had too much to bear. I can internalize heavy stress and save dealing with it for later. I don't break down when I'm with other people. So just assume I can't bear it.

And thank you, doctor, for being so helpful that I can rely on you.

Thank you, husband, for being my pillar of strength and my hope and motivation for the future. 

Thank you, mom and dad, for taking care of me. All of my progress in healing would have been impossible without you!