I'm so burned out that my adrenal fatigue isn't just manifesting as exhaustion, it's giving me physical pain now. My whole torso area feels like one big knot, I have regular heartburn, my inner ears are ringing and spasming, my gut is giving me occasional sharp sudden pains, my head is cloudy to the point of headaches, and my muscles are getting so tight that it's causing numbness in my shoulders and arms. To top it off, I'm fairly sure I have another hiatal hernia, which might be the true reason for the heart burn. Food and pills aren't going down well, I'm hiccuping and burping a lot, and I'm getting spasms behind my rib cage.
What do I do about it? Stop stressing! That hasn't been possible this week - this week has been horrible. Let me explain: One co-worker was in the hospital, another is going through a serious family emergency and had to miss work to be with the family, and another got really sick for a day. I started my period this week, and as I've made clear before, I can't work on the first day of my period because it's very severe. I'm not complaining here - without my illness, I'm happy to help and do extra in these situations. But the result is that I worked 5/6 days this week when I normally only work 3-4 days a week. I had no choice but to work on the first day of my period, only for 2 hours, but the amount of stress I went through wondering if I was capable and able was awful. If I didn't work those two hours the store might have needed to close due to a lack of employees. Stress!
In addition to work stress, my pet cockatiel is going through a hard time hormonally and decided to start plucking her feathers. That made me feel like a horrible bird mom and I stressed a ton about if I should take her to the vet or if I need to change something I'm doing with her... I took it personally, like I was doing something wrong.
To get through high stress I should take extra of my Adrenal Complex from my doctor. Only... I ran out. It takes a week to get a shipment from him, and I'll be there in person in less than a week. So I've had to make due with extra solid licorice extract, Siberian ginseng, rhodiola, b12, and caffeine. It's helping, but not enough. The caffeine was making my bloody noses from seasonal allergies worse too. I have a bottle of Adrenal Cortex coming through the mail tomorrow. I know the cortex on its own does help, but it's maybe a quarter as effective as my doctor's Adrenal Complex.
Since my adrenals are so bad right now I'm having an extremely difficult time sleeping. I'm taking extra of my sleeping pills, but it's just giving me heartburn from the hernia. I'd take extra sublingual melatonin that doesn't go through the stomach, but I seem to be reacting to it all of the sudden. It's giving me a rapid heart heart and breathing troubles.
I have to gear up for work tomorrow, packing and preparations on Tuesday, and a full day of flying on Wednesday. I'm going to see my doctor, if I can survive until then. As it is now, I just hurt and really need to be beamed to my doctor by Scotty.
Yesterday after work I was feeling so fried that my inhibitions started to crumble and I started to fantasize about drinking a frappecinno while going on a huge shopping spree and buying tons of stuff to make me feel better. I might have been hypoglycemic and craving the sugar. But the shopping part? Why do I feel the impulse to spend money when I'm feeling so terrible - would new things make me feel better? I doubt it. And shopping takes energy, so it's weird to feel that impulse.
I'm so incredibly sick of hearing, "Yeah I'm tired too." Maybe you are, it's not a comparison, but what you need to understand is that my fatigue is debilitating. You can function while feeling tired. My body actually shuts down and acts against my will. There is a different between tired and chronic fatigue. If you actually have a mild level of chronic fatigue that lets you work full time then take a good hard look at what I'm going through and do everything you can to get better before you turn into me. Working full time is like a dream to me. I hardly remember what it was like to have the energy and stamina to work even 20 hours a week regularly.
Sigh. Social media is so wonderful, but it's also letting me see too much of the world. I see photos of people I really love and care about being so happy and successful, and it makes me feel sad and jealous. I'm sincerely happy for them. I'm truly glad that they're successful in their careers, are able to afford to buy a house and start a family, have an amazing relationship with someone who's full of energy, and are genuinely enjoying life. I'm not jealous in a mean way, I'm jealous in a sad way for myself. I want what they have. I want the energy to conquer life. I want the stamina to be surrounded with family that loves me. I want the vitality to explore the world. It's all a dream to me, one that's getting fuzzier as the years with this illness drag on. Don't get me wrong: I love my husband to death. But I'm dragging him down and making it hard for him to get his doctorate and advance in his career. I'm spending all our money on medical expenses so we can't save for a house. I'm not able to start a family. I'm really grateful that he's handling it so very well, but I know this isn't what he wanted out of life either.
I have a new favorite song, Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine:
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