It's days like today, when I'm stuck in bed, that make me wonder why it's impossible to win disability. The stress caused by trying to keep my job and stay in good graces with coworkers at my job when combating multiple chronic illnesses is just too much.
I've been proud of myself for how little I've called in sick in the past 2 years at my job. Through fibromyalgia flares, POTS flares, period pain, mental health episodes, fatigue both mild and heavy, and more I've worn my best face at work. I always strived to do a good job regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm so proud of myself for doing as well as I have at this job considering all my problems. I only reserve calling in sick for when it's impossible to drive. If I'm not safe to drive, work is out of the question.
The main reason I call in sick? The first day of my period. My boss was understanding of this situation when she hired me, which gave me so much relief. I was very concerned with finding a job that would work with my debilitating periods. I'm only part time a few days a week, so it's not every month that I need to call in sick for it. Yes, I've been quite happy with how little I've had to call in sick considering I'm chronically ill and didn't work for a year and a half due to illness.
I had to call in sick today. Not because I was planning to or want to, as my brain was very much in gear for what I was going to accomplish at work today. But because my period is 3 days early.
I feel that I need to publicly explain what the first day of my period is like, because I'm constantly met with so little understanding.
It starts with a terrible week of PMS. Cramping, strong mood issues, depersonalization (feel like reality is a dream and I'm not actually present in it), extreme bloating, very painful heavy breasts that don't fit in my bras during that week, and big fluctuations in blood sugar and blood pressure... The PMS is bad enough on its own.
Then the first day comes, sometimes over night, sometimes in the middle of the day. Lately it's been a slow build up to the explosion of problems, but I used to wake up to the extremes without warning. Lately it starts with vertigo that slowly increases, and that's my warning to check my Diva Cup to see if I've started bleeding. It doesn't take long for the diarrhea to kick in. All that bloating from the week of PMS? It saves up for the first day, no matter how good my bowel movements are that week. Vertigo + diarrhea + morning hunger = very unstable. Low blood sugar, low blood pressure, terrible circulation, freezing cold shivering... I sometimes end up crawling to the toilet.
Then, after the preliminary problems, comes the pain. Now I've had some periods this year with very little pain. Acupuncture, colonics, and my herbs do make a huge difference. But I never know if I'll have a bad first day or a not so bad first day (only in terms of pain.) When I have pain, the pain can be so horrendous that I'm screaming and crying. Moving any muscle, even a toe, can send waves of pure pain through my whole body. When I can't stop shaking/ shivering from the adrenaline rush the pain gives me the pain only amplifies. I've been in this situation enough times that I'm sure I have legit PTSD from my periods. It's traumatic. Think I'm exaggerating? Well I can't prove it to you, but just ask my husband or mom. I am always on high alert with my periods always prepared to go to the ER if necessary... Except that when I'm in that much pain I can't move, and going to the ER requires moving.
For several years I relied in ibuprofen to manage the pain. The first time I was clued into how abnormal my periods really were was when a therapist I was the secretary for couldn't belive I had already taken 12 ibprofen that day and I was still in obvious pain. She told me she's never needed more than 2 or 3 to totally manage the pain. A doctor gave me opiods for it. They didn't quite work, just made my vertigo way more intense. This is why I think I have liver problems. My naturopath now has me on a tincture for pain that actually works exceptionally well, but leaves me feeling loopy and very fatigued. It doesn't help me go to work, but it lets me rest in bed without extreme pain.
The next problem is that I can't rest in bed not moving for long. The amount of blood I bleed is crazy. The average woman looses 2 ounces of blood per period. A Diva Cup holds 1 ounce. For the first few years of using my Diva Cup I was emptying it every couple of hours when it was over flowing. On average I lost around 12-15 ounces per period, 3/4ths of it on the first day. In the blood would often be clots. Some clots were the size of a quarter, some the size of a golf ball. With all the medical help I've been getting in the last few years I've reduced down to losing about 6-9 oz per period. The clotting is more rare now, and generally smaller.
Have you ever sat on the toilet with extreme heaviness, constant diarrhea that gives exreme waves of pain through the whole body, hardly able to breathe from a heart rate so high that it feels like your heart will puncture a hole in your ribs? I've sat on the toilet thinking that was how I was going to die. I'm not prone to fainting, but I've sat there seeing spinning colors and dark tunnels in my vision.
Women, do you know what it's like to bleed this heavy? I've heard from some women that their periods are light enough at times that they don't need to wear any hygiene products. I've never experienced anything that light before. I don't know what it's like to have a "normal" period that doesn't really disrupt life much.
My gyno was convinced I have endometriosis: extreme pain, extreme bleeding, large clots in my blood, and what she saw during a pap smear. She wanted to do surgery: a laproscopy. The problem was it's $2,000 and insurance doesn't cover it. So I never ended up having it done to confirm the endometreosis, but other doctors I saw also said they were highly suspicious of endometresis. The biggest problem is that what if there's more than endo? What if I have cysts or fibroids? Without that surgery we won't know. But the fact that I'm slowly improving every year under my naturopath is giving me hope.
When I call in sick because of my period, this is what I'm actually calling in sick for. My period is pure hell. It's not just a few extra bathroom trips or a little extra pain. I so wish and pray my periods were that easy and manageable.
And so I lay here. The dizziness isn't bad as long as I'm still, but the cramping is starting. I'm wondering how to get up and make it to the bathroom. I'm wondering if I'll make it to the kitchen for food and my tincture. I have an awesome husband who takes care of me, but when he can't be home I need to manage on my own.
Don't ever assume I'm faking or using my period as an excuse. I have to plan my entire life around my period. I have to go on trips to my doctor based on when I'm going to start my period. I have to miss important events or family matters over my period. I can't plan big events more than a few months out because I have to make plans around when I'll be on my period. We can't make vacation plans when my husband has very rare time off if I'm on my period then. My whole life revolves around my period, and yes, it's a big deal. My period is the other thing I share my life with. It's my physically and mentally abusive soul mate. It's my jail cell. Don't ever assume I use it as an excuse, because I would much rather live my life without it being in control. When I say no because of my period it's sincere and honest.
Between this, mold toxicity and environmental allergies, and chemical sensitivities can you understand why I'm such a control freak that developed adrenal issues bad enough to cause POTS?
I need a psychologist. I know it. But I can't afford all the help I need. I'm just trying to live somewhat normally by working part time.
So please, work with me. Have mercy on me. I'm in a constant battle with my body. The stress of living after my body problems is too much for me.
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