It's too early for my period to begin, about 10 days too early, but I'm in full blown PMS feeling like I'll begin the cycle at any moment. This is horrendous timing. If I'm this early this month, then I'll probably start my period while I'm traveling next month. It will ruin the entire *expensive* trip. Why did I schedule the trip so close to my period? I had no way to predict what would happen. I was very late the last two months. I had limited options of when I would be able to go due to my husband's schedule. I just had to guess on when would be a safe time to go.
Blood pressure is 89/57, pulse hovering around 100.
Sleep? I had nightmares all week when I was actually asleep. Last night I was finally exhausted enough that I got 9 hours of sleep, but I woke up feeling worse than every other day with poor sleep this week. My acupuncturist explained that my liver qi is rising, causing the nightmares.
I feel like I'm anemic - anemic on blood, life force, will to live... I'm just so weak today, physically and mentally.
I'm so tired of stressing over my body's problems lining up with my life plans. I can never stop worrying. I can never trust that I'll be able to participate in anything in my future.
In the words of Freddie Mercury, sometimes I wish I had never been born at all.
Why did God design our bodies so that we could suffer so often and to such a great amount? This is my cross to bear. I could be suffering just as badly in other ways. I could live in a war torn country learning to live with constant death all around me. Instead, I was born into a very stable loving situation. My suffering is just constant physical pain and exhaustion. But it's enough to drive me to insanity. To live with constant grief over missing out on my one and only chance to fully live life is enough to drive me to insanity.
Anyway, I really need to delay this period. I need to it at least start when it's supposed to. It simply cannot be early.
I'm going to try doubling my progesterone cream amount, and I'm going to take a Chinese herb blend (called Twin Sages) that is for stopping excessive bleeding. It has the type of ginseng in it that can help delay periods. We'll see if it works.
I'll probably end up getting stuck in this level of extreme fatigue and moodiness for the next 10 days if actually works. That's better than starting my period early next month while traveling.
I have the feeling that the best time of my life will be post-menopause. Then I'll give the middle finger to endometriosis and live spontaneously.
I am one of the most suppressed versions of myself. I wonder what kind of life I'm living in alternative realities where endometriosis, POTS, chemical and environmental sensitivities, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression don't control me? I wonder how many children I'd have, what kind of career I'd have, how many times I would have climbed Mt. Everest, how many books I would have written...
Monday, April 22, 2019
Saturday, April 13, 2019
Dear Organic Clothing Brands,
Coupon codes
Satva: FRIEND-W5NKDQS (Good until May 15th, 2019)
Pact: http://fbuy.me/iAufr
Dear organic and natural clothing companies,
First of all, recycled polyester is not organic or natural. It's not even sustainable. Plastic sustains until the end of time, but it breaks down to forms we can't use anymore, washes out of our clothes as micro plastics and gets into the water, then ends up in the fish we eat, so then it ends up in us and causes estrogen hormone disruption. Please stop treating recycled polyester as an organic fabric addition - it isn't!
Should I even get into the problem how many us with sensitivities cannot tolerate polyester on our skin? The reason I wear organic is to get away from the added chemicals and synthetic fabrics that my skin doesn't like. Polyester gives me horrendously awful body odor with a rash. It's so bad I gag myself on the body odor. My skin gets super tender and uncomfortable to touch, and then slimy too. My skin does its best to get polyester away from it.
Pact, I'm looking at you more than any other brand I'm frustrated with, mostly because I've loved you for years. You used to never use polyester at all, now you have way too many options with polyester. Most of your men's line contains polyester. Why? Why would you exclude men from having 100% organic cotton options like you do in your women's line? There are natural textile alternatives you should be using, especially considering your slogan, "Make organic an unnecessary adjective." Polyester doesn't fit that slogan at all.
Second, stop assuming all of your customers do yoga or are athletic. Some of us don't have the bodies we want for whatever perfectly valid and politically correct reason, and we don't really want to show off our butts and stomachs in overly fitted clothes. I have endometriosis, which causes me to bloat badly. I'd rather not call attention to my bloat with tight or overly fitted clothes. Some brands have gone the opposite extreme of making oversized baggy options. I don't want to look like a potato sack either! I have no problem with you offering plenty of athletic skin tight options for those with the bodies or desire to wear it, but please remember the average person wants their clothes to flatter them, not show off their flaws. Would it be possible to buy a pair of sweat pants with a bootcut and a thick enough and just loose enough fabric that doesn't show off every dimple in the butt? A pair of pants without any of that recycled polyester crap? Why not replace it with hemp or tencel or bamboo? Because I've been actively looking for that pair of pants for years. Maggie's has done the best job so far with this pant (due to the thickness, and can be sized up for a more relaxed and just as secure fit), but the length is too long and the hem is very difficult redo myself.
Third, I'm all for being fashionable... but why does that have to mean making so many options that show cleavage? Do you know how hard it is to find an organic cotton short sleeve tunic/ shirt tail cut that actually covers my butt (from the tight yoga pants your forced me to buy because there are not other options) without a super low cut neck line? Well you should know since you make the clothes! Maybe the super low necklines don't matter so much for the A and B cup ladies who can find an organic fabric sports bra to fit them, like on your models. But for the rest of us with average or large busts... could we please have modesty?
Let me take this point even further. We all have different bodies, but every band seems to be catering to the same body type. Most tunic center back lengths are around 27". (I know because I've spent hours researching the length on every organic tunic I can find.) I have a long torso and short legs, so I need a 30" center back length for the tunic to actually look like a tunic on me. 31" would be awesome too. I would wear tunics/ high-low hems if only I could find one that's long enough!
Speaking of men's issues, please stop with this snug shoulder width problem. If XL fits everywhere else just right, why are the shoulders always too tight? Because of the "modern fit" and "slim fit" issue. I don't need it to be slim in the shoulders! It's nice not have to excess fabric hanging off in the back, but why does that automatically mean as tight as possible in the shoulders?
Fourth, bras. Seriously, why in the world hasn't any brand filled this need!? I'm ready to fundraise money so I can start making brass myself. MANY women are 29 DD+ in size. I'm a 34DDD. It's impossible to find any sports bra made from natural fibers that actually fits us larger busted women. I've settled on this t-shirt Natori bra made from modal. There is no polyester that gives me skin irritation, and it fits well. But it's seriously the ONLY bra I've been able to find that works for me... and it's not a natural or organic fiber bra. Modal is borderline natural and my skin tolerates it, so good enough. But what about sports bras? Nope. Can't find any options. There are brands making great options if you're humble-size chested. Tasc, Boody, and Pact make great bras without polyester added. But none of them are designed for anyone over a D cup. Please, for the love of comfort and dignity, one of you brands cater to the rest of us ladies!
Fifth, stop making most of your pants as short ankle pants or long 32" inseams. In fact, can we move towards the way men's pants are sized (well, in conventional fabric pants)? I would love to be able to choose my waste size and inseam. If I'm going to spend $80 on a pair of pants, I shouldn't have to hem it or limit what shoes and socks I wear with it due to being short. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and the S, M, L, XL sizes with no choice of inseam is awful. Even the petite, regular, and long choices have too big of a difference between them! I was looking at pants that came in 28", 31", and 34". Um... too short and too long! Where is my 29.5 to 30" option?
My husband has a couple fit issues too. He has short legs, and needs a 29" inseam. 30" is too long and requires hemming or rolling up, but there are no organic pant options in a 29" inseam! In fact, men's organic pants have a *major* issue with not actually offering different inseam lengths. Most brands only offer their pants in 32" inseam lengths... way too long!
Lastly, color choices and patterns... are rare! If I wanted all of my shirts, pants, and dresses to be solid black then I'd be happy. Black looks bad on me. My skin is pale and my hair is brown - black washes me out. I want color! I want green, purple, blue, salmon, magenta, dark orange, violet... and I want them in prints or patterns! Almost all of the tops I own are solid colors because that's all that was offered, and they're mostly blue, because blue is the main color being offered (that isn't black or white.) Sigh. Try looking for a green 100% organic cotton t-shirt. Last I checked, Pact was the only brand offering it - and they didn't offer it for a long time. Try finding a green 100% organic 3/4th sleeve high-low/ shirt tail hem with a modest boat neck. It doesn't exist anywhere, I looked. All I'm asking for are options, please. Stop trying to be so basic all the time.
I want to commend some brands that are getting it right. Sometimes. Or mostly. Or good enough. Better than everyone else, at least?
Toad and Co's Earthworks Pants. Organic cotton with tencel, under $100 SRP, and you can find it at clearance prices. Tencel (from the eucalyptus tree) does what polyester does: prevents the wrinkles and helps with drape. Without destroying our water or hormones. Awesome! I know there have been some concern about the chemicals required to turn it into a textile, but I'm sensitive and have had no issues with the tencel in this brand. They have a bit of issue with size consistency. I own three of these pants and they fit differently. One is a skinny ankle pant, the other is full length and straight cut, and the other is full length and practically boot cut. I ordered the exact same style each time, I didn't go for the skinny or wide leg options. Hmm.
Toad and Co is also the best company for finding organic options with prints and designs. They do offer a lot of synthetic options too, so you have to be careful and read the fabric composition. They tend to be a little too expensive, but their clothes often end up on liquidation sites likes Sierra Trading Post and Camp Saver. Amazon sells many of their clothes, but not all, and often not at the lowest clearance price.
Pact Organic (in general). They have gone through too many big changes over the years, but I can usually (not always) rely on them for affordable enough well made basics. They make clothes the right way: small batches. When they come out with a new style, you better buy it quickly if you like it. They do offer amazing clearance sales, but that one shirt you loved may sell out before it reaches clearance. I normally just shop their sales, but I have occasionally splurged on a full price item just to make sure I get it.
They have done a really good job with the cut and fit of their clothes, and I'm never guessing about which size to order. Their underwear is all I wear - it's the best! It fits my wide hip size, doesn't ride up, doesn't sag, doesn't curl, doesn't wear out quickly... it's just perfect. Ironically, they offer lots of prints and patterns for underwear, but no longer do on their t-shirts. (Pact, if you read this, I miss your prints on your outerwear clothes!)
Gramicci's hemp and cotton mix tops. Simply awesome. The fabric is very lightweight and breathable, but not sheer or flimsy. It holds shape very well. I do have one hemp/cotton long sleeve shirt from them that is thicker than their summer options. Hemp is an amazing textile, much sturdier and less stretchy than cotton, also tends to be more breathable. My complaint with the brand is that their medium tends to be a little too snug, and their large tends to be a little too large. You will need to be careful with sizing.
I've tried several of Gramicci's pants, and I've returned most of them. They're very well made, but they are all cut for the same body shape that I don't have. They tend to be straight from the waist all the way down, and that doesn't work for me. I'm too curvy. I kept one of their pants that's a super skinny ankle pant that built in room for my wide hips, and they're a deep purple color. I paid $10 for them on clearance, so it's ok that I won't wear them too often.
PrAna's organic cotton tops. PrAna is a sustainable, fair trade brand (they are B Corp), but their focus is not on avoiding synthetic fibers. All of the cotton they use is organic, but most of the time it is mixed with polyester. This is because they're an athletic brand and they're focusing on moisture wicking properties. That said, their non-synthetic options tend to be fantastic. They are a very high quality brand, and their clearance prices are reasonable. I can't link to any specific shirt on their website because they update very frequently, but you can search by the fabric content. Such an amazing search feature! Check out their sale section - it tends to be full of a wide variety of options.
I have a hard time recommending PrAna's pants, though. I'm always between sizes, so they're either too big or too small. Some of the ones that have fit me have been too stiff. The quality is so high that it's hard to move in them. Recently most of their pants have moved towards being a cotton and polyester mix, or nylon. They occasionally come out with a natural fabric pant. I have their Avril Hiking Pant, which is all organic cotton with a little spandex. The band is stretchy, not a button close, so they're actually comfortable for most situations. The inseam was incredibly long and I had to hem them, which took some skill to do because the bottom has an elastic draw cord. The problem is that they are hiking pants, meaning they look like outdoor adventure gear and not normal casual pants. I tried on their new Soledad pant last week - I was so excited by the drawcord waist and the non-synethic fabric. I ended up hating it - billowy around the thighs, too tight at the ankle. They advertise it as if you should roll up the cuffs as a style choice, and I was able to, but it was tight.
Tasc Performance. Careful, some of their older styles use polyester and nylon. But they have a big line of a blend of organic viscose (bamboo) with organic cotton. Bamboo is the best anti-odor moisture wicking fabric - it can be made naturally (Tasc does it the best possible way), and it's superior to polyester's abilities.
Look at their St. Charle's collection. It's all made from this fabric, and they have a wide variety of options. Yes, it's all athletic gear, but much of it can be worn in any situation. Their goal is to eliminate the problem of needing different clothes for different situations. It's very high quality, so it might be out of your price range, and their sale prices are not always good enough.
I wear their TFFN sports bra. It's too small, but it fits better than any other organic sports bra on the market. I sweat a lot and this bra is amazing at keeping my skin breathing.
Honorable mentions:
Maggie's Organics. They have a few good options, but overall their sizing is really difficult to work with. Their colors tend to be bland too. They're worth giving a try to see if their clothes will work for you. You'll have the best luck if you're slender. The few articles of clothing I own from them have lasted for years and still look new, so the price is worth it. These are not fast fashion clothes designed to be thrown out after a season.
Fisher's Finery. Like Tasc, they use a mix of organic cotton and organic bamboo, as well as some silk options. The quality is very high, and their clothes are very comfortable. The problem is that they stick to skin-tight pants. They are all essentially leggings and yoga pants, even their business dress pants. This style does not flatter my butt and thighs, so I avoid it in public or without a tunic or dress. The pants and leggings are ridiculously overly comfortable though - it's better than not wearing pants at all. They compress slightly, have a silky texture, thick enough for warmth and modesty, and are not tight anywhere.
Satva. They occasionally have a really good option, but most of the time they're just not for me. They're mostly yoga clothes.
They make organic cotton work out tops with built in bras that I want so badly to like, but they just don't fit. I bought one in large (I'm typically a medium, but I have a large bust). The top is very tight around my stomach, but too big in the bust. It makes zero sense! The shelf bra band is only in the front, sewn into the sides. There is no supporting for the band from the back. The band is too big, so I get zero support whatsoever... but meanwhile you can see the shape of my belly button because it's so tight.
Other brands worth looking at, but I don't have enough luck with:
Woolrich - clothes tend to be boxy and stiff, only some organic options.
Patagonia - I have a lot of respect for the brand paying to research how polyester fibers wash away into our water! They do offer some organic options, but they still focus way too much on polyester... despite the results of their study. They try to educate on how to be responsible with polyester, but I don't think that's the responsible answer. Polyester is the problem, just stop using it. That's my opinion.
Columbia - just like Patagonia, they're an outdoor company that offers some organic cotton and hemp options. When they do offer it, the options tend to be really attractive and unique (a good unique.)
Satva: FRIEND-W5NKDQS (Good until May 15th, 2019)
Pact: http://fbuy.me/iAufr
Dear organic and natural clothing companies,
First of all, recycled polyester is not organic or natural. It's not even sustainable. Plastic sustains until the end of time, but it breaks down to forms we can't use anymore, washes out of our clothes as micro plastics and gets into the water, then ends up in the fish we eat, so then it ends up in us and causes estrogen hormone disruption. Please stop treating recycled polyester as an organic fabric addition - it isn't!
Should I even get into the problem how many us with sensitivities cannot tolerate polyester on our skin? The reason I wear organic is to get away from the added chemicals and synthetic fabrics that my skin doesn't like. Polyester gives me horrendously awful body odor with a rash. It's so bad I gag myself on the body odor. My skin gets super tender and uncomfortable to touch, and then slimy too. My skin does its best to get polyester away from it.
Pact, I'm looking at you more than any other brand I'm frustrated with, mostly because I've loved you for years. You used to never use polyester at all, now you have way too many options with polyester. Most of your men's line contains polyester. Why? Why would you exclude men from having 100% organic cotton options like you do in your women's line? There are natural textile alternatives you should be using, especially considering your slogan, "Make organic an unnecessary adjective." Polyester doesn't fit that slogan at all.
Second, stop assuming all of your customers do yoga or are athletic. Some of us don't have the bodies we want for whatever perfectly valid and politically correct reason, and we don't really want to show off our butts and stomachs in overly fitted clothes. I have endometriosis, which causes me to bloat badly. I'd rather not call attention to my bloat with tight or overly fitted clothes. Some brands have gone the opposite extreme of making oversized baggy options. I don't want to look like a potato sack either! I have no problem with you offering plenty of athletic skin tight options for those with the bodies or desire to wear it, but please remember the average person wants their clothes to flatter them, not show off their flaws. Would it be possible to buy a pair of sweat pants with a bootcut and a thick enough and just loose enough fabric that doesn't show off every dimple in the butt? A pair of pants without any of that recycled polyester crap? Why not replace it with hemp or tencel or bamboo? Because I've been actively looking for that pair of pants for years. Maggie's has done the best job so far with this pant (due to the thickness, and can be sized up for a more relaxed and just as secure fit), but the length is too long and the hem is very difficult redo myself.
Third, I'm all for being fashionable... but why does that have to mean making so many options that show cleavage? Do you know how hard it is to find an organic cotton short sleeve tunic/ shirt tail cut that actually covers my butt (from the tight yoga pants your forced me to buy because there are not other options) without a super low cut neck line? Well you should know since you make the clothes! Maybe the super low necklines don't matter so much for the A and B cup ladies who can find an organic fabric sports bra to fit them, like on your models. But for the rest of us with average or large busts... could we please have modesty?
Let me take this point even further. We all have different bodies, but every band seems to be catering to the same body type. Most tunic center back lengths are around 27". (I know because I've spent hours researching the length on every organic tunic I can find.) I have a long torso and short legs, so I need a 30" center back length for the tunic to actually look like a tunic on me. 31" would be awesome too. I would wear tunics/ high-low hems if only I could find one that's long enough!
Speaking of men's issues, please stop with this snug shoulder width problem. If XL fits everywhere else just right, why are the shoulders always too tight? Because of the "modern fit" and "slim fit" issue. I don't need it to be slim in the shoulders! It's nice not have to excess fabric hanging off in the back, but why does that automatically mean as tight as possible in the shoulders?
Fourth, bras. Seriously, why in the world hasn't any brand filled this need!? I'm ready to fundraise money so I can start making brass myself. MANY women are 29 DD+ in size. I'm a 34DDD. It's impossible to find any sports bra made from natural fibers that actually fits us larger busted women. I've settled on this t-shirt Natori bra made from modal. There is no polyester that gives me skin irritation, and it fits well. But it's seriously the ONLY bra I've been able to find that works for me... and it's not a natural or organic fiber bra. Modal is borderline natural and my skin tolerates it, so good enough. But what about sports bras? Nope. Can't find any options. There are brands making great options if you're humble-size chested. Tasc, Boody, and Pact make great bras without polyester added. But none of them are designed for anyone over a D cup. Please, for the love of comfort and dignity, one of you brands cater to the rest of us ladies!
Fifth, stop making most of your pants as short ankle pants or long 32" inseams. In fact, can we move towards the way men's pants are sized (well, in conventional fabric pants)? I would love to be able to choose my waste size and inseam. If I'm going to spend $80 on a pair of pants, I shouldn't have to hem it or limit what shoes and socks I wear with it due to being short. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and the S, M, L, XL sizes with no choice of inseam is awful. Even the petite, regular, and long choices have too big of a difference between them! I was looking at pants that came in 28", 31", and 34". Um... too short and too long! Where is my 29.5 to 30" option?
My husband has a couple fit issues too. He has short legs, and needs a 29" inseam. 30" is too long and requires hemming or rolling up, but there are no organic pant options in a 29" inseam! In fact, men's organic pants have a *major* issue with not actually offering different inseam lengths. Most brands only offer their pants in 32" inseam lengths... way too long!
Lastly, color choices and patterns... are rare! If I wanted all of my shirts, pants, and dresses to be solid black then I'd be happy. Black looks bad on me. My skin is pale and my hair is brown - black washes me out. I want color! I want green, purple, blue, salmon, magenta, dark orange, violet... and I want them in prints or patterns! Almost all of the tops I own are solid colors because that's all that was offered, and they're mostly blue, because blue is the main color being offered (that isn't black or white.) Sigh. Try looking for a green 100% organic cotton t-shirt. Last I checked, Pact was the only brand offering it - and they didn't offer it for a long time. Try finding a green 100% organic 3/4th sleeve high-low/ shirt tail hem with a modest boat neck. It doesn't exist anywhere, I looked. All I'm asking for are options, please. Stop trying to be so basic all the time.
I want to commend some brands that are getting it right. Sometimes. Or mostly. Or good enough. Better than everyone else, at least?
Toad and Co's Earthworks Pants. Organic cotton with tencel, under $100 SRP, and you can find it at clearance prices. Tencel (from the eucalyptus tree) does what polyester does: prevents the wrinkles and helps with drape. Without destroying our water or hormones. Awesome! I know there have been some concern about the chemicals required to turn it into a textile, but I'm sensitive and have had no issues with the tencel in this brand. They have a bit of issue with size consistency. I own three of these pants and they fit differently. One is a skinny ankle pant, the other is full length and straight cut, and the other is full length and practically boot cut. I ordered the exact same style each time, I didn't go for the skinny or wide leg options. Hmm.
Toad and Co is also the best company for finding organic options with prints and designs. They do offer a lot of synthetic options too, so you have to be careful and read the fabric composition. They tend to be a little too expensive, but their clothes often end up on liquidation sites likes Sierra Trading Post and Camp Saver. Amazon sells many of their clothes, but not all, and often not at the lowest clearance price.
Pact Organic (in general). They have gone through too many big changes over the years, but I can usually (not always) rely on them for affordable enough well made basics. They make clothes the right way: small batches. When they come out with a new style, you better buy it quickly if you like it. They do offer amazing clearance sales, but that one shirt you loved may sell out before it reaches clearance. I normally just shop their sales, but I have occasionally splurged on a full price item just to make sure I get it.
They have done a really good job with the cut and fit of their clothes, and I'm never guessing about which size to order. Their underwear is all I wear - it's the best! It fits my wide hip size, doesn't ride up, doesn't sag, doesn't curl, doesn't wear out quickly... it's just perfect. Ironically, they offer lots of prints and patterns for underwear, but no longer do on their t-shirts. (Pact, if you read this, I miss your prints on your outerwear clothes!)
Gramicci's hemp and cotton mix tops. Simply awesome. The fabric is very lightweight and breathable, but not sheer or flimsy. It holds shape very well. I do have one hemp/cotton long sleeve shirt from them that is thicker than their summer options. Hemp is an amazing textile, much sturdier and less stretchy than cotton, also tends to be more breathable. My complaint with the brand is that their medium tends to be a little too snug, and their large tends to be a little too large. You will need to be careful with sizing.
I've tried several of Gramicci's pants, and I've returned most of them. They're very well made, but they are all cut for the same body shape that I don't have. They tend to be straight from the waist all the way down, and that doesn't work for me. I'm too curvy. I kept one of their pants that's a super skinny ankle pant that built in room for my wide hips, and they're a deep purple color. I paid $10 for them on clearance, so it's ok that I won't wear them too often.
PrAna's organic cotton tops. PrAna is a sustainable, fair trade brand (they are B Corp), but their focus is not on avoiding synthetic fibers. All of the cotton they use is organic, but most of the time it is mixed with polyester. This is because they're an athletic brand and they're focusing on moisture wicking properties. That said, their non-synthetic options tend to be fantastic. They are a very high quality brand, and their clearance prices are reasonable. I can't link to any specific shirt on their website because they update very frequently, but you can search by the fabric content. Such an amazing search feature! Check out their sale section - it tends to be full of a wide variety of options.
I have a hard time recommending PrAna's pants, though. I'm always between sizes, so they're either too big or too small. Some of the ones that have fit me have been too stiff. The quality is so high that it's hard to move in them. Recently most of their pants have moved towards being a cotton and polyester mix, or nylon. They occasionally come out with a natural fabric pant. I have their Avril Hiking Pant, which is all organic cotton with a little spandex. The band is stretchy, not a button close, so they're actually comfortable for most situations. The inseam was incredibly long and I had to hem them, which took some skill to do because the bottom has an elastic draw cord. The problem is that they are hiking pants, meaning they look like outdoor adventure gear and not normal casual pants. I tried on their new Soledad pant last week - I was so excited by the drawcord waist and the non-synethic fabric. I ended up hating it - billowy around the thighs, too tight at the ankle. They advertise it as if you should roll up the cuffs as a style choice, and I was able to, but it was tight.
Tasc Performance. Careful, some of their older styles use polyester and nylon. But they have a big line of a blend of organic viscose (bamboo) with organic cotton. Bamboo is the best anti-odor moisture wicking fabric - it can be made naturally (Tasc does it the best possible way), and it's superior to polyester's abilities.
Look at their St. Charle's collection. It's all made from this fabric, and they have a wide variety of options. Yes, it's all athletic gear, but much of it can be worn in any situation. Their goal is to eliminate the problem of needing different clothes for different situations. It's very high quality, so it might be out of your price range, and their sale prices are not always good enough.
I wear their TFFN sports bra. It's too small, but it fits better than any other organic sports bra on the market. I sweat a lot and this bra is amazing at keeping my skin breathing.
Honorable mentions:
Maggie's Organics. They have a few good options, but overall their sizing is really difficult to work with. Their colors tend to be bland too. They're worth giving a try to see if their clothes will work for you. You'll have the best luck if you're slender. The few articles of clothing I own from them have lasted for years and still look new, so the price is worth it. These are not fast fashion clothes designed to be thrown out after a season.
Fisher's Finery. Like Tasc, they use a mix of organic cotton and organic bamboo, as well as some silk options. The quality is very high, and their clothes are very comfortable. The problem is that they stick to skin-tight pants. They are all essentially leggings and yoga pants, even their business dress pants. This style does not flatter my butt and thighs, so I avoid it in public or without a tunic or dress. The pants and leggings are ridiculously overly comfortable though - it's better than not wearing pants at all. They compress slightly, have a silky texture, thick enough for warmth and modesty, and are not tight anywhere.
Satva. They occasionally have a really good option, but most of the time they're just not for me. They're mostly yoga clothes.
They make organic cotton work out tops with built in bras that I want so badly to like, but they just don't fit. I bought one in large (I'm typically a medium, but I have a large bust). The top is very tight around my stomach, but too big in the bust. It makes zero sense! The shelf bra band is only in the front, sewn into the sides. There is no supporting for the band from the back. The band is too big, so I get zero support whatsoever... but meanwhile you can see the shape of my belly button because it's so tight.
Other brands worth looking at, but I don't have enough luck with:
Woolrich - clothes tend to be boxy and stiff, only some organic options.
Patagonia - I have a lot of respect for the brand paying to research how polyester fibers wash away into our water! They do offer some organic options, but they still focus way too much on polyester... despite the results of their study. They try to educate on how to be responsible with polyester, but I don't think that's the responsible answer. Polyester is the problem, just stop using it. That's my opinion.
Columbia - just like Patagonia, they're an outdoor company that offers some organic cotton and hemp options. When they do offer it, the options tend to be really attractive and unique (a good unique.)
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Flu then Pnumonia then "Recovery"
First my husband came home with the flu and he was absolutley miserable. Then he had a week where he felt well enough, and I developed the flu. Then I started to feel slightly recovered and he developed Pneumonia. I had a week where I felt slightly ok, but had an extra painful endometresosis couple of days. Then a week later I got Pneumonia. X-rays and doctor confirmed Pnumonea. It looked like I had spider webs in my lungs. I was so incredibly sick, unable to lay down to sleep, that I willingly took the antibiotics. It turns out I'm allergic to amoxicillin, so then I had a few days of rashes and hives that left me in tears. I had to take antihistamines and lay in a baking soda bath for hours to feel even slightly comfortable again.
About 2 months of this is way more than I can handle. I'm still coughing up big wads of green from my lungs, and my ears often won't pop. Add to it severe negative windchills (as in we got below -40f several times), followed by a massive snow storm of 10 inches, and now tonight we're due for the next massive snow storm. We're in blizzard warnings right now.
I'm stuck inside of a house that I don't have the strength to clean, and I can't open the windows to air it out.
If I've been very grumpy, distant, selfish, unresponsive, or unsupportive... well I'm not sorry! I have not been well - no, I have not been ok!
My body is weak to begin with, so when put through the flu and Pneumonia back-to-back, you should not expect me to simply recover and get back to my life. My POTS has been strong, my fatigue intense, my sleep is a major chore... but more than anything, talking to people is the worst. I can't break out of my own head, and it's not even a choice - I simply can't listen. I'm trapped in a prison in my own head and everything you say bounces off those prison walls. I can't handle myself, so I cannot take you on.
I've pushed away my friends both online and in person. It got to the point where I almost felt like I resented them, almost hated them. I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want to listen. I hate that I ever felt that way, because I love my friends. But even now I still don't enjoy talking to them because I don't have the energy to engage. I don't even like TV shows because I don't want to listen to the character's problems. I can't take anything else on. I just need to recover myself.
I might need another few days. I might need a few more months.
About 2 months of this is way more than I can handle. I'm still coughing up big wads of green from my lungs, and my ears often won't pop. Add to it severe negative windchills (as in we got below -40f several times), followed by a massive snow storm of 10 inches, and now tonight we're due for the next massive snow storm. We're in blizzard warnings right now.
I'm stuck inside of a house that I don't have the strength to clean, and I can't open the windows to air it out.
If I've been very grumpy, distant, selfish, unresponsive, or unsupportive... well I'm not sorry! I have not been well - no, I have not been ok!
My body is weak to begin with, so when put through the flu and Pneumonia back-to-back, you should not expect me to simply recover and get back to my life. My POTS has been strong, my fatigue intense, my sleep is a major chore... but more than anything, talking to people is the worst. I can't break out of my own head, and it's not even a choice - I simply can't listen. I'm trapped in a prison in my own head and everything you say bounces off those prison walls. I can't handle myself, so I cannot take you on.
I've pushed away my friends both online and in person. It got to the point where I almost felt like I resented them, almost hated them. I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want to listen. I hate that I ever felt that way, because I love my friends. But even now I still don't enjoy talking to them because I don't have the energy to engage. I don't even like TV shows because I don't want to listen to the character's problems. I can't take anything else on. I just need to recover myself.
I might need another few days. I might need a few more months.
Getting sick on top of a chronic illness is very challenging. Pneumonia is no joke. People often get hospitalized from it. People die from it. I wish I was hospitalized. I really wish I had a machine attached to me to help me breathe, a port for regular IVs to keep me stable, a vacuum to go into my lungs and suck it out... at the very least, having trained medical professionals there to help at a moment's notice. That would seriously have been very helpful. But no. I suffered through it from bed without much help since my husband was so busy. I very inefficiently coughed way too much, slept way too little, sweated too much (I was up to 103f fever and the fever lasted just over a week), and ate poorly. Why? Because I was afraid of the cost of seeing a doctor, I didn't want to go on their drugs, I didn't have the energy to explain all my medical issues to them (that they still won't understand because they've never been trained on my issues), and I honestly felt like I didn't care of I died.
And now the most help I've had for my recovery has been acupuncture, but due to the weather I've only been able to go once. Acupuncture helped get more out of my lungs than anything else has, and gave me the strength I needed to rest properly. I'm going back for another appointment in a few hours - hopefully before the blizzard begins!
All I'm trying to say in this blog is that it's critically necessary to be patient with people who are sick on top of having chronic illnesses.
Thank you.
And now the most help I've had for my recovery has been acupuncture, but due to the weather I've only been able to go once. Acupuncture helped get more out of my lungs than anything else has, and gave me the strength I needed to rest properly. I'm going back for another appointment in a few hours - hopefully before the blizzard begins!
All I'm trying to say in this blog is that it's critically necessary to be patient with people who are sick on top of having chronic illnesses.
Thank you.
Monday, February 18, 2019
Privilage and (Dis)Ability
This is a follow up to my last post.
There are several reasons why I'm careful and guarded about who I give my energy to, but one of the biggest reasons is that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I read people's energy, and it affects my own very quickly. This is dangerous for me because I don't have much energy to begin with. If someone is full of joy and positivity, it overwhelms me and makes me feel numb. If someone is full of resentment and anger, it spikes my adrenaline and makes me feel weak and worthless. If someone is full of melancholy, I feel a kindred spirit that I'm safe around because I'm not being met with expectations from them. I need to be around calm, relaxed, and laid back people to feel my best. People who are full of drive and determination, want to be too helpful, want to solve problems, want to vent and let off steam, or just want to have too much fun all overwhelm me. This doesn't mean I don't respect when people feel these ways. I am not asking you not to feel these ways, I simply need to guard myself from these feelings to protect myself.
If you know me personally, you might remember I used to be someone eager to analyze the problems of the world and try to come with explanations to understand them, maybe even come up with solutions to solve them. I wanted to talk about politics, religion, world events, and major news stories. I enjoyed thinking through world problems so much that I pursued a degree in Theology.
I can't be that person anymore. I am so overwhelmed with living day to day in my own skin, that I'm unlikely to have an empathetic and caring response to any world problem. You tell me children are dying every day from starvation in that country? I put up a wall immediately. If I choose to give care to this statement I'll be too sick to function. The emotions will exhaust me. You probably expect me to want to talk about how to solve this problem, and then appeal to my empathy and ask for my help in putting a plan into motion, or at least complain about the people who don't help. I can't do this. I can't feel my heart break for every suffering person in the world. It will cripple me. I need my energy to go towards standing upright, talking, digesting, doing chores, working my part time job, managing my pain, and staying on touch with the most important people in my life. If you ask me to spend my energy worrying about dying children that I have no ability to help, you're asking me to not have energy to take care of myself.
You want me to support Black Lives Matter, join the Me Too movement, join a political camp to either praise or hate on President Trump, become an activist for a controversial organization like Planned Parenthood (pro-abortion) or First Choice Clinic (anti-abortion), have a strong vocal opinion on vaccines, participate in Pride events like parades, stand on my Capitol steps protesting injustice with you...
You want me to be what you want me to be, a soldier in your activism army, and you're not listening to me. Yes, I live in the USA, the land of "tolerance," yet with extreme amounts of intolerance. I live in the land of having the privilege to be tolerant or intolerant. You want me to use my privilege to stand up for or against something. You want me to use my privilege to solve problems.
I can't.
And you're not listening to me.
I don't have the privilege of having energy to participate in the world. I wish I did. I have a whole lot of care deep in my heart and soul that I want to give.
I am not a cold-hearted closed-off person naturally. It's not my nature to ignore problems. I respect my body and soul's need to be calm and restful in order to live my life to the fullest I can in this condition. I am going against my own needs if I choose to get riled up over world problems. I need you to go solve those problems for me. I'm going to give my love, support, and respect to those of you who use your privilege, a.k.a ability, to go solve those problems.
Because that's the definition of privilege: Ability.
Do you remember my post on "Ableism"? It's just another term for privilege.
So in other words, I don't have the ability to spend energy on solving problems in the world.
I want you to stop viewing me, a white female college educated adult living in middle class USA, as a person of privilege and ability. I want you to start viewing me and people like me the way you view all the other minorities you're so concerned about. I am in a minority, one that is grossly mistreated: The sick and disabled.
Thankfully, there are activist organizations who are rallying the privileged/ people with ability to help people in my minority group. Next time you're looking for a world problem to solve, please consider helping those who don't have the ability to help themselves.
These are organizations related to illnesses I have. Please consider using your privileged energy to care about world problems on these organizations:
Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Millions Missing
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)
Dysautonomia International
Endometriosis
Endometriosis Foundation of America
Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
Chemical Sensitivity Foundation
I have wanted to write a post like this for a while, but I have worried about sounding like a fraud. I'm in a very good situation, considering I'm suffering from these illnesses. I have a good roof over my head, access to high quality food and water, husband and family who are very supportive, I am capable of working up to 12 hours a week (most of the time, I call in sick more than I like to), have been able to see really good doctors, and won my disability case. I have a lot more supporting me than the vast majority of people with chronic debilitating illnesses. I am extremely grateful, because I would still be 100% bedridden (if even alive) if not for all the privilege I have in my life to support me. I really want others with chronic debilitating illnesses that do not have this much support in their life to have more support so that they can be helped. This is my life goal now: finding help for the helpless in this minority group. These organizations make it possible. They help people who cannot win their disability cases despite being 100% unable to work, do not have family support, don't have roofs over their heads, do not have access to quality foods or water, cannot see doctors due to cost or accessibility, can't find a doctor to take them seriously and help them, and want to give up on life.
You want empathy from me? Give some to me and people like me too. I hope you understand why I'm too overwhelmed now. Thank you for listening.
There are several reasons why I'm careful and guarded about who I give my energy to, but one of the biggest reasons is that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I read people's energy, and it affects my own very quickly. This is dangerous for me because I don't have much energy to begin with. If someone is full of joy and positivity, it overwhelms me and makes me feel numb. If someone is full of resentment and anger, it spikes my adrenaline and makes me feel weak and worthless. If someone is full of melancholy, I feel a kindred spirit that I'm safe around because I'm not being met with expectations from them. I need to be around calm, relaxed, and laid back people to feel my best. People who are full of drive and determination, want to be too helpful, want to solve problems, want to vent and let off steam, or just want to have too much fun all overwhelm me. This doesn't mean I don't respect when people feel these ways. I am not asking you not to feel these ways, I simply need to guard myself from these feelings to protect myself.
If you know me personally, you might remember I used to be someone eager to analyze the problems of the world and try to come with explanations to understand them, maybe even come up with solutions to solve them. I wanted to talk about politics, religion, world events, and major news stories. I enjoyed thinking through world problems so much that I pursued a degree in Theology.
I can't be that person anymore. I am so overwhelmed with living day to day in my own skin, that I'm unlikely to have an empathetic and caring response to any world problem. You tell me children are dying every day from starvation in that country? I put up a wall immediately. If I choose to give care to this statement I'll be too sick to function. The emotions will exhaust me. You probably expect me to want to talk about how to solve this problem, and then appeal to my empathy and ask for my help in putting a plan into motion, or at least complain about the people who don't help. I can't do this. I can't feel my heart break for every suffering person in the world. It will cripple me. I need my energy to go towards standing upright, talking, digesting, doing chores, working my part time job, managing my pain, and staying on touch with the most important people in my life. If you ask me to spend my energy worrying about dying children that I have no ability to help, you're asking me to not have energy to take care of myself.
You want me to support Black Lives Matter, join the Me Too movement, join a political camp to either praise or hate on President Trump, become an activist for a controversial organization like Planned Parenthood (pro-abortion) or First Choice Clinic (anti-abortion), have a strong vocal opinion on vaccines, participate in Pride events like parades, stand on my Capitol steps protesting injustice with you...
You want me to be what you want me to be, a soldier in your activism army, and you're not listening to me. Yes, I live in the USA, the land of "tolerance," yet with extreme amounts of intolerance. I live in the land of having the privilege to be tolerant or intolerant. You want me to use my privilege to stand up for or against something. You want me to use my privilege to solve problems.
I can't.
And you're not listening to me.
I don't have the privilege of having energy to participate in the world. I wish I did. I have a whole lot of care deep in my heart and soul that I want to give.
I am not a cold-hearted closed-off person naturally. It's not my nature to ignore problems. I respect my body and soul's need to be calm and restful in order to live my life to the fullest I can in this condition. I am going against my own needs if I choose to get riled up over world problems. I need you to go solve those problems for me. I'm going to give my love, support, and respect to those of you who use your privilege, a.k.a ability, to go solve those problems.
Because that's the definition of privilege: Ability.
Do you remember my post on "Ableism"? It's just another term for privilege.
So in other words, I don't have the ability to spend energy on solving problems in the world.
I want you to stop viewing me, a white female college educated adult living in middle class USA, as a person of privilege and ability. I want you to start viewing me and people like me the way you view all the other minorities you're so concerned about. I am in a minority, one that is grossly mistreated: The sick and disabled.
Thankfully, there are activist organizations who are rallying the privileged/ people with ability to help people in my minority group. Next time you're looking for a world problem to solve, please consider helping those who don't have the ability to help themselves.
These are organizations related to illnesses I have. Please consider using your privileged energy to care about world problems on these organizations:
Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Millions Missing
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)
Dysautonomia International
Endometriosis
Endometriosis Foundation of America
Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
Chemical Sensitivity Foundation
I have wanted to write a post like this for a while, but I have worried about sounding like a fraud. I'm in a very good situation, considering I'm suffering from these illnesses. I have a good roof over my head, access to high quality food and water, husband and family who are very supportive, I am capable of working up to 12 hours a week (most of the time, I call in sick more than I like to), have been able to see really good doctors, and won my disability case. I have a lot more supporting me than the vast majority of people with chronic debilitating illnesses. I am extremely grateful, because I would still be 100% bedridden (if even alive) if not for all the privilege I have in my life to support me. I really want others with chronic debilitating illnesses that do not have this much support in their life to have more support so that they can be helped. This is my life goal now: finding help for the helpless in this minority group. These organizations make it possible. They help people who cannot win their disability cases despite being 100% unable to work, do not have family support, don't have roofs over their heads, do not have access to quality foods or water, cannot see doctors due to cost or accessibility, can't find a doctor to take them seriously and help them, and want to give up on life.
You want empathy from me? Give some to me and people like me too. I hope you understand why I'm too overwhelmed now. Thank you for listening.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
The Problems of Privilage
Do you know what's hard for me to hear? That because I'm a privileged white USA citizen that my difficulties cannot compare to what impoverished people in other countries must face every day.
The statement is not fair. We are all born into different circumstances. Just because I was born into a country with wealth does not mean that I automatically get to take advantage of that wealth to make my life better. Wealth doesn't solve every problem, and it can actually create new problems. Life isn't about having wealth. Wealth ensures we have access to shelter and food, both of which are necessary to living life, but it doesn't ensure that we have health, love, joy, and purpose in life.
I deeply respect every human life. I want for every person ever born to have the right to a full life of health and love. My heart breaks for those who are born into a circumstance where they have no shelter or food, and life will never become easier for them. Does my situation compare to theirs? No. It does not. I say this while drinking hot organic tea, typing on a computer that I built myself because I'm educated, and enjoying the benefits of a new furnace heating my house.
That said, is it fair to say my problems are not valid? Should I eat all the food on my plate just because there are starving children in China? I'm so tired of the faulty logic about handling difficulties that is so prevalent. Just because I'm not as bad off as other people does not mean I can't experience difficulties that greatly impact my quality of life. Just because a child in Argentina is starving doesn't mean my problems don't cause me severe pain. If I could save that starving child's life I would do it in a heart beat! But I'll still be in crippling pain. I want everyone in the world who needs help living to be helped. What if that means I need help too?
Is the life of a starving child more important than an adult's life in the USA? You would assume the adult in the USA takes second priority because the adult should have access to health care and government assistance. That's often not the case. Health care isn't affordable, and going to a doctor could bankrupt the whole family and cause that family go to homeless. The adult in the USA might be living in a government subsidized apartment that is full of mold that is quickly deteriorating the health of that person, destroying their ability to live their life. What if the apartment this adult is living in creates worse quality of life than the homeless child has? All life should be treated as equal, right? So who should be the priority to help?
This is complicated. And I'm very angry about this topic.
When I'm told that there are people in third world countries with needs greater than mine, I feel invalidated. I feel unheard. I feel uncared for. I feel like I'm being told that you would rather feel sorry for people you will never meet, and likely will never send 1 penny to. If their needs are so important that you invalidate my needs, then why aren't you there helping them? I'm here right now. Help me. Help who you actually have access to and can help.
Most people do nothing, but are quick to try to verbally diminish problems.
So I challenge you:
When you meet someone in the USA with clothes on, a roof over their head, and food in their bellies who tell you that they are struggling with someone serious, take them seriously. Don't automatically dismiss them because someone else in the world is obviously suffering more. The more you dismiss people because you think they're not as bad off as others, the more we tear down a culture of support, love, and community. Life depends on support, love, and community. The more you dismiss people's problems, the more you help create new problems for the community you live in. Stop thinking globally when you can't even help on a global scale. Start thinking locally. How can you help reduce the problems in your own community?
If you're able to use your first world country privilege to travel to another country and help their starving children, then do that. The world needs you to help. But as for the rest of us? Our own local communities have staving children and adults too. We also have people who are not starving and have roofs over their heads, but are in serious need help. Don't criticize problems, just help where you can. Please. Thank you.
The statement is not fair. We are all born into different circumstances. Just because I was born into a country with wealth does not mean that I automatically get to take advantage of that wealth to make my life better. Wealth doesn't solve every problem, and it can actually create new problems. Life isn't about having wealth. Wealth ensures we have access to shelter and food, both of which are necessary to living life, but it doesn't ensure that we have health, love, joy, and purpose in life.
I deeply respect every human life. I want for every person ever born to have the right to a full life of health and love. My heart breaks for those who are born into a circumstance where they have no shelter or food, and life will never become easier for them. Does my situation compare to theirs? No. It does not. I say this while drinking hot organic tea, typing on a computer that I built myself because I'm educated, and enjoying the benefits of a new furnace heating my house.
That said, is it fair to say my problems are not valid? Should I eat all the food on my plate just because there are starving children in China? I'm so tired of the faulty logic about handling difficulties that is so prevalent. Just because I'm not as bad off as other people does not mean I can't experience difficulties that greatly impact my quality of life. Just because a child in Argentina is starving doesn't mean my problems don't cause me severe pain. If I could save that starving child's life I would do it in a heart beat! But I'll still be in crippling pain. I want everyone in the world who needs help living to be helped. What if that means I need help too?
Is the life of a starving child more important than an adult's life in the USA? You would assume the adult in the USA takes second priority because the adult should have access to health care and government assistance. That's often not the case. Health care isn't affordable, and going to a doctor could bankrupt the whole family and cause that family go to homeless. The adult in the USA might be living in a government subsidized apartment that is full of mold that is quickly deteriorating the health of that person, destroying their ability to live their life. What if the apartment this adult is living in creates worse quality of life than the homeless child has? All life should be treated as equal, right? So who should be the priority to help?
This is complicated. And I'm very angry about this topic.
When I'm told that there are people in third world countries with needs greater than mine, I feel invalidated. I feel unheard. I feel uncared for. I feel like I'm being told that you would rather feel sorry for people you will never meet, and likely will never send 1 penny to. If their needs are so important that you invalidate my needs, then why aren't you there helping them? I'm here right now. Help me. Help who you actually have access to and can help.
Most people do nothing, but are quick to try to verbally diminish problems.
So I challenge you:
When you meet someone in the USA with clothes on, a roof over their head, and food in their bellies who tell you that they are struggling with someone serious, take them seriously. Don't automatically dismiss them because someone else in the world is obviously suffering more. The more you dismiss people because you think they're not as bad off as others, the more we tear down a culture of support, love, and community. Life depends on support, love, and community. The more you dismiss people's problems, the more you help create new problems for the community you live in. Stop thinking globally when you can't even help on a global scale. Start thinking locally. How can you help reduce the problems in your own community?
If you're able to use your first world country privilege to travel to another country and help their starving children, then do that. The world needs you to help. But as for the rest of us? Our own local communities have staving children and adults too. We also have people who are not starving and have roofs over their heads, but are in serious need help. Don't criticize problems, just help where you can. Please. Thank you.
Monday, January 21, 2019
PMS is Torture
Extra long PMS
OMG
It started with the mood change, cravings, and skin issues (acne, large pores, looking pale and malnourished.) The cramping set in after a week of that, then the bloating and heaviness in my gut. My mood issues came with feeling very withdrawn, not wanting to engage with people. After 1.5 weeks of this, thinking my period was due, I started to get the rest of my PMS symptoms. The breast tenderness, bowel pain, ovaries feeling like they're twisting and sending shooting stabbing pains down my legs to my knees, worsened insomnia with angry dreams, joint pain, fibromyalgia aches in all my muscles, disturbed vision, much weaker and more dizzy, very increased resting heart rate... it was like a 2nd PMS. That lasted for an additional week of torture.
The reason I'm reporting all of this is because it's so important to say how PMS can be just as bad as the period itself, if not worse. I actually dread PMS more than my period now. My mood was dark - so dark that I started to have suicidal thoughts (I wasn't planning anything, just thinking about how death would be an exit... this isn't abnormal, unfortunately.) I was too weak to accomplish anything, and too mentally blank and emotionless to enjoy anything. I spent about a week doing nothing - I couldn't do anything. I hated people, hated myself, didn't have a way to pass the time that made me happy, could hardly force myself to get anything like chores done... I was in this limbo, and I was ready to snap.
I do believe I have PMDD. Doctors have suggested it, but it's not officially diagnosed, I don't think. I'd have to read my charts to see if they put it down as an issue. PMDD is PMS on steroids, but it's classified as a psychological issue. PMDD is about the mood disorder that comes with PMS, mainly how the person so negatively relates to other people during PMS. It's not that I can't be nice or sincere, it's not that I'll be mean to you or blow up at you. It's that I seriously don't have the spirit to talk to anyone, listen to anyone, or even tolerate myself. I need interactions to be very short, very to the point, and almost mechanical - just do your business and be done with me.
You can't say I didn't try hard to manage this. I took my methylated vitamins, loaded up on vitamin D, my hormone balancing herbs, my bio identical progesterone cream, went to acupuncture and chiropractor each week, ate mostly blood building foods, exercised as I was capable, took lots of hot ginger baths, took my calming and cortisol suppressing herbs as needed, had a lot of alone time away from people... no one can say I didn't try hard.
My period *FINALLY* came last Saturday ALLELUIA! I had to call in sick to work... again. I have no control over this, which is why I chose to be very upfront and honest about this issue during my interview for this job.
My period was very painful, as expected. Remember how I had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and remove endometriosis? I'm not sure what it actually accomplished, aside from an official diagnosis. In fact, PMS has been worse than I'm used to since the surgery. I had 2 periods that were not very painful or heavy after the surgery, but then they went back to heavy and painful. The PMS, though? OMG.
But guess what? Yesterday, Sunday, the day after my period started, I felt SO MUCH RELIEF. I found myself wanting to talk to my husband. I messaged friends and laughed. I got some housework done. I shoveled the driveway! I didn't feel strong. I fought my POTS symptoms pretty hard a few times. But I mentally felt good. I wanted to be a part of my family again. I wanted to engage with people. I felt human! My period has become the remedy to PMS, when it used to be that my period was the scariest most dreaded part of my month.
From my Oura Ring.
(Note: The Oura is actually pretty bad at detecting when I wake up. I tend to lay in bed for an hour or longer after waking to find my strength and get up. It tends to show I get an hour or more of light or REM sleep than I do because of this. I need to learn to take it off once I'm awake to get better readings.)
This night was a week before my period started, but it's the best example I had from that week of what PMS was doing to my sleep. Most other nights had very choppy data, as if the ring couldn't read me for 30 min to an hour at a time during the night. Which tells me there's an issue... not sure if it's with the ring being unable to keep up with me, or if the ring wasn't tight enough because I was too cold.
And then my period started. Brachycardia! Whoa. The only time I see a heart rate below 60 is the night after my period starts. This has been consistent in all my recordings this year. Even my ZioPatch from my Neurologist showed the same thing. My Fitbit Alta 2 actually said I got down to 57, but I'm not expecting perfect accuracy from either device. I just get to see a general idea of my body's changes.
So to any of you women who tell me I focus way too much on my period and I need to learn to just push through it... well part of me really wants to get rude and nasty and tell you to **** off. But I'd rather just be understood, build empathy and compassion, and have your support.
And no, I refuse birth control. There is no way I'm going to take non-bio identical synthetic "hormones" that shuts down my production of real natural hormones and makes my body think it is pregnant long term. I don't want the very long list of side effects, especially the ones that will exacerbate my other conditions. It does not manage endometriosis very well - just ask the support groups I'm in with 20k women. The fact of the matter is that PMS has never been as bad as it has been since that surgery. Will synthetic hormones really fix that problem?
Anyway, now that I got this post off my chest, I want to go back to enjoying being myself! Hopefully for 3 weeks this time!
Friday, January 4, 2019
Day by day by day by day...
Oh to be me.
What is a like to be a 31 year old woman with chronic illness? Here are some snippets from my life lately:
Today I went to my local food co-op because the fridge was getting to be too empty. I felt tired, worn down, but thought I could handle a 40 minute round trip out of the house. I get the store, start shopping, the next thing I know I can't stand up in one spot without starting to see the blackness forming on the peripherals of my vision. My legs started to shake and tingle. I decided there was no sense in sitting down on the floor of the store, so I decided to just keep walking. That worked. I learned I could make it as long as I kept moving, so I couldn't stop to look at products, just had to grab as I walked by. I made about 3 laps around the store to shop this way. And guess what? They were completely out of the few things I needed most! A normal person might shrug it off and go to a different store before heading home. Me? My energy was spent. Had to go home without what I needed.
...That's a big reason why I shop online as much as I do. Except that I never received one of 3 boxes from my Vitacost order. I need to sort that out, but do I really have to put the energy into it? Seriously? Why can't it just sort itself out like magic and let me just sit here zoning out?
The cashier asked me how I was doing. I bluntly, with no tact or thought, said, "Not good, I didn't sleep last night." She asked if I was stressed and I said, "No, I just have a chronic illness and it decided to flare last night." She didn't have much else to say to me after that. lol. Poor cashier.
Why didn't I sleep last night? Oh, because PMS decided to start, and I was in full bitch mode. At 2 am. I wasn't upset about anything, nothing to be angry at. No person was irritating me. My mood just decided to be as aggressive and irritable as possible, which kept me up, tossing and turning. Then when I was sleeping here and there my dreams were very aggressive. I dreamed about my friend who attempted to commit suicide several months ago, which woke me up because I felt stressed out about it. I never really recovered from her telling me she failed her attempt.
I woke up to throbbing shoulder muscles, shooting and pins and needles pains in my legs, and adrenaline pounding through me.
And I realized how this is pretty much how every day goes for me, but it's so much worse during the winter. I'm never really sure if I'll sleep. I'm never really sure if I'll feel decently. I'm never really sure if I'll have the energy to be able to hold a conversation. I'm never really sure if my depression will let me actually care about what someone is telling me. I just have to figure out what I need to do with myself, moment by moment.
So what's the problem? Well I found a ton of mold growing on my new windows, for starters. Winter condensation that freezes when it's below zero outside causes it. The outside temperature went from -6 degrees to 47 degrees within a day, and we all know how the barometric pressure messes me up. We did just shampoo the downstairs carpets with Biokleen shampoo, which I didn't react to while doing it, but later got a mild version the hives around my eyes that citrus essential oils tends to give me. Plus we disturbed all that dirt in the house. I also went to church. Perfume! And then my monthly cycle just hit the worst phase... and I've been spotting, so who knows, maybe I'm anemic or something. I seem to be very prone to Blood Deficiency.
You see, I just can't win, especially not in the winter. When I feel decently it's purely by chance.
So...
If I spent my entire day playing video games on my phone, so what? At least I'm engaging with people there. At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if progress in that game doesn't affect my real life in any way. At least I'm mentally stimulated rather than just rotting away watching TV. I can't just watch TV, I need to be engaged with something, and video games work perfectly when I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm often pretty bad at the game because I don't have the mental energy to think through what I'm doing, but it is what it is.
I will work at my job, do chores, and contribute to society when I'm capable. I have days when I'm just not capable. A lot of days. I'm not lazy. It's not an addiction to video games. I just can't function normally. Believe me, I'd much rather be raising children, own my own business, going out with friends, working towards buying our own house. I have to deal with these desires every day. If I were lazy, I wouldn't want to be living my life fully. I'd be happy to just settle in to a fun addiction rather than working on progressing in life.
So let me leave you with this article about environmental toxicants causing depression, pain, and chronic fatigue.
What is a like to be a 31 year old woman with chronic illness? Here are some snippets from my life lately:
Today I went to my local food co-op because the fridge was getting to be too empty. I felt tired, worn down, but thought I could handle a 40 minute round trip out of the house. I get the store, start shopping, the next thing I know I can't stand up in one spot without starting to see the blackness forming on the peripherals of my vision. My legs started to shake and tingle. I decided there was no sense in sitting down on the floor of the store, so I decided to just keep walking. That worked. I learned I could make it as long as I kept moving, so I couldn't stop to look at products, just had to grab as I walked by. I made about 3 laps around the store to shop this way. And guess what? They were completely out of the few things I needed most! A normal person might shrug it off and go to a different store before heading home. Me? My energy was spent. Had to go home without what I needed.
...That's a big reason why I shop online as much as I do. Except that I never received one of 3 boxes from my Vitacost order. I need to sort that out, but do I really have to put the energy into it? Seriously? Why can't it just sort itself out like magic and let me just sit here zoning out?
The cashier asked me how I was doing. I bluntly, with no tact or thought, said, "Not good, I didn't sleep last night." She asked if I was stressed and I said, "No, I just have a chronic illness and it decided to flare last night." She didn't have much else to say to me after that. lol. Poor cashier.
Why didn't I sleep last night? Oh, because PMS decided to start, and I was in full bitch mode. At 2 am. I wasn't upset about anything, nothing to be angry at. No person was irritating me. My mood just decided to be as aggressive and irritable as possible, which kept me up, tossing and turning. Then when I was sleeping here and there my dreams were very aggressive. I dreamed about my friend who attempted to commit suicide several months ago, which woke me up because I felt stressed out about it. I never really recovered from her telling me she failed her attempt.
I woke up to throbbing shoulder muscles, shooting and pins and needles pains in my legs, and adrenaline pounding through me.
And I realized how this is pretty much how every day goes for me, but it's so much worse during the winter. I'm never really sure if I'll sleep. I'm never really sure if I'll feel decently. I'm never really sure if I'll have the energy to be able to hold a conversation. I'm never really sure if my depression will let me actually care about what someone is telling me. I just have to figure out what I need to do with myself, moment by moment.
So what's the problem? Well I found a ton of mold growing on my new windows, for starters. Winter condensation that freezes when it's below zero outside causes it. The outside temperature went from -6 degrees to 47 degrees within a day, and we all know how the barometric pressure messes me up. We did just shampoo the downstairs carpets with Biokleen shampoo, which I didn't react to while doing it, but later got a mild version the hives around my eyes that citrus essential oils tends to give me. Plus we disturbed all that dirt in the house. I also went to church. Perfume! And then my monthly cycle just hit the worst phase... and I've been spotting, so who knows, maybe I'm anemic or something. I seem to be very prone to Blood Deficiency.
You see, I just can't win, especially not in the winter. When I feel decently it's purely by chance.
So...
If I spent my entire day playing video games on my phone, so what? At least I'm engaging with people there. At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if progress in that game doesn't affect my real life in any way. At least I'm mentally stimulated rather than just rotting away watching TV. I can't just watch TV, I need to be engaged with something, and video games work perfectly when I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm often pretty bad at the game because I don't have the mental energy to think through what I'm doing, but it is what it is.
I will work at my job, do chores, and contribute to society when I'm capable. I have days when I'm just not capable. A lot of days. I'm not lazy. It's not an addiction to video games. I just can't function normally. Believe me, I'd much rather be raising children, own my own business, going out with friends, working towards buying our own house. I have to deal with these desires every day. If I were lazy, I wouldn't want to be living my life fully. I'd be happy to just settle in to a fun addiction rather than working on progressing in life.
So let me leave you with this article about environmental toxicants causing depression, pain, and chronic fatigue.
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