Day by day by day by day...

Oh to be me.

What is a like to be a 31 year old woman with chronic illness? Here are some snippets from my life lately:

Today I went to my local food co-op because the fridge was getting to be too empty. I felt tired, worn down, but thought I could handle a 40 minute round trip out of the house. I get the store, start shopping, the next thing I know I can't stand up in one spot without starting to see the blackness forming on the peripherals of my vision. My legs started to shake and tingle. I decided there was no sense in sitting down on the floor of the store, so I decided to just keep walking. That worked. I learned I could make it as long as I kept moving, so I couldn't stop to look at products, just had to grab as I walked by. I made about 3 laps around the store to shop this way. And guess what? They were completely out of the few things I needed most! A normal person might shrug it off and go to a different store before heading home. Me? My energy was spent. Had to go home without what I needed.

...That's a big reason why I shop online as much as I do. Except that I never received one of 3 boxes from my Vitacost order. I need to sort that out, but do I really have to put the energy into it? Seriously? Why can't it just sort itself out like magic and let me just sit here zoning out?

The cashier asked me how I was doing. I bluntly, with no tact or thought, said, "Not good, I didn't sleep last night." She asked if I was stressed and I said, "No, I just have a chronic illness and it decided to flare last night." She didn't have much else to say to me after that. lol. Poor cashier.

Why didn't I sleep last night? Oh, because PMS decided to start, and I was in full bitch mode. At 2 am. I wasn't upset about anything, nothing to be angry at. No person was irritating me. My mood just decided to be as aggressive and irritable as possible, which kept me up, tossing and turning. Then when I was sleeping here and there my dreams were very aggressive. I dreamed about my friend who attempted to commit suicide several months ago, which woke me up because I felt stressed out about it. I never really recovered from her telling me she failed her attempt.

I woke up to throbbing shoulder muscles, shooting and pins and needles pains in my legs, and adrenaline pounding through me.

And I realized how this is pretty much how every day goes for me, but it's so much worse during the winter. I'm never really sure if I'll sleep. I'm never really sure if I'll feel decently. I'm never really sure if I'll have the energy to be able to hold a conversation. I'm never really sure if my depression will let me actually care about what someone is telling me. I just have to figure out what I need to do with myself, moment by moment.

So what's the problem? Well I found a ton of mold growing on my new windows, for starters. Winter condensation that freezes when it's below zero outside causes it.  The outside temperature went from -6 degrees to 47 degrees within a day, and we all know how the barometric pressure messes me up. We did just shampoo the downstairs carpets with Biokleen shampoo, which I didn't react to while doing it, but later got a mild version the hives around my eyes that citrus essential oils tends to give me. Plus we disturbed all that dirt in the house. I also went to church. Perfume! And then my monthly cycle just hit the worst phase... and I've been spotting, so who knows, maybe I'm anemic or something. I seem to be very prone to Blood Deficiency.

You see, I just can't win, especially not in the winter. When I feel decently it's purely by chance.



So...

If I spent my entire day playing video games on my phone, so what? At least I'm engaging with people there. At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if progress in that game doesn't affect my real life in any way. At least I'm mentally stimulated rather than just rotting away watching TV. I can't just watch TV, I need to be engaged with something, and video games work perfectly when I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm often pretty bad at the game because I don't have the mental energy to think through what I'm doing, but it is what it is.

I will work at my job, do chores, and contribute to society when I'm capable. I have days when I'm just not capable. A lot of days. I'm not lazy. It's not an addiction to video games. I just can't function normally. Believe me, I'd much rather be raising children, own my own business, going out with friends, working towards buying our own house. I have to deal with these desires every day. If I were lazy, I wouldn't want to be living my life fully. I'd be happy to just settle in to a fun addiction rather than working on progressing in life.

So let me leave you with this article about environmental toxicants causing depression, pain, and chronic fatigue.