Music Discovery: London Grammar

Oi vey... I've been struggling to manage all the changes in life. My mental endurance is low. I have been wanting to share, but by the time I get to my computer I'm just too drained. I'm too drained to want to express, talk, to even think about it. It's better to lose myself in a good game or music instead. That's how I came to this post.

I just discovered the band London Grammar. They fit my energy levels really well. Emotive and has depth, but slower trip hop/ rock. I want to share a few songs by them that resonate with me.

"Strong"

♫And a lion, a lion, roars would you not listen?
If a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?
Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong♫



"Bones of Ribbon"

♫Take determination
Take whatever you need
'Cause your body's made of metal
And your skin, it isn't real♫



"Sights"

♫Keeping your strength
When it gets dark at night
What are you made of
Water and glass
Keep it in your sights now
It's keeping you up
Keep it together
Keep it together♫

"Wild Eyed"

♫Sun suffocate the atmosphere
But I'm safe with you far away from you
Another fire through another open door
It's what I'm living for♫

Venting on a Flare Day

Today has been the perfect storm... 

I'm not okay.

My period is running late, but I've been in PMS for about 2 weeks. I've grown so weak from it, and my mood instability took over yesterday. Today the barometric pressure is contributing in its own exhausting way. Yesterday we shot off fireworks for Independence Day, and, well, the smoke played its huge role on how I'm feeling. POTS is roaring and telling me to stop trying to move. Not to mention the fact that I'm just overly tired from too much happening in my life. I've been running on empty for a while.

It's 3:30 now and I've been asleep 70% of the time since midnight last night. When I've been awake all I can do is tend to my nausea, bowels, vertigo, tinnitus, jello legs, cramping, and super bad mood. Why am I writing this with what little energy I have? Venting, of a sort. I have to talk about how I'm feeling somehow. I deal with it better when I can take it out of my internal self in some way.

This was me yesterday, putting on a face. I felt mean, exhausted, borderline ready to blow up in rage (if not for the exhaustion), and dealing with cramping and pain. I got dressed up for planned family photos. I tried so hard to hide it, and it ended up resulting in being very withdrawn with a few angry words that slipped out. Basically, I was faking being well. I'm so so so so sick of hearing "but you look good!" Yeah, I looked good on purpose. I'm not happy with my bangs, but whatever. It doesn't reflect how I felt. My head is twisted so you don't see my acne.




This is part of what's happening below the surface:




I use Clue, Period Tracker, and Fitbit to track my periods. Featured here is Clue. It's not the easiest to understand how to read these charts if you're not familiar. Those 2 red dots before the blue "fertility window" part of the cycle were when I was spotting during ovulation. The app keeps pushing up when I was in ovulation due to the length of time between my periods. I started PMS symptoms with ovulation, when I was spotting, I just forgot to track for a few days. All those colored dots in the last 12 days are PMS symptoms I'm experiencing (that I remembered to track.)

If you look at the calendar in the next photo, you can see how much of my time my menstrual cycle is affecting me. The blue times, or ovulation, always come with their own set of symptoms (even if I forget to track.)

This is all below my surface. Add to it MCS reactions, POTS, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Pain, IBS issues... Seriously, I'm so over all this. I spend every freaking day dealing with all the crap in my body that I don't/ can't necessarily show on the surface.

I really didn't want to call in sick to work today. I try to reserve that for only the worst of the worst. I know I'm about to get even worse whenever I actually do start my period, so I wanted to save it for then. But I just had no strength to work with. Every time I got up to the bathroom I just saw spinning flying stuff around my head and my legs were wobbly. Eating made my symptoms worse. I couldn't stay awake. I kept falling asleep with my phone on my chest.

Getting sleepy and cross eyed trying to write this, but damn... if only I could scream and punch and curse and exorcise this demon out of my body. I need to talk about this. I need comfort. I need compassion. But it seems like most people in my life just want to tell me to suck it up and deal with it. I don't feel safe saying what I really think or feel to most people.

And tomorrow? Who knows. But I'm scheduled to work and my coworkers will be too short staffed without me. This is very stressful for me. It's not anyone's fault, but I can never know if I can be depended on when I'm late to start my period. The stress...…… grrrrr

Maine and Acadia National Park (Doctor Visit/ Vacation)

Last week I was halfway across the country again to visit my doctor. At this point I have nothing I want to say about lab results or my examination, so this post won't be about that. I made some enlightening observations and have some stories to share. 

I spent 2 full 8 hour days at his clinic doing therapies, such as hyperbaric oxygen chamber, sauna, IVs, acupuncture, and more. The winning therapy for me this visit was the colonic irrigation. I knew my gut wasn't working well when I arrived. I didn't have a concept of just how stuffed it turned out to be. Before I give you too much information, I'll stop there. 2 colonics from 2 awesome nurses later I noticed major symptom relief. My acne (which was starting to make me look like a teenager) totally cleared up. My vision was less fuzzy again. My hiatial hernia feels like it's gone. The pressure in my upper back and shoulders is gone. I'm not burping or feeling mild heartburn anymore. Best of all? My mood! Despite raging PMS, I felt peace. This tranquility and calm took over, and I felt like I didn't have to force myself to be kind anymore. My last colonic was 9 days ago. Today I started my period (hellish pain), but guess what? The bloat went away. I dropped 5 pounds (overnight, seriously) and for the first time in who knows how long my stomach looks flat. I feel light and thin.

I took this after just getting up from laying in bed from last night until 2 pm in some pretty nasty endometriosis pain (and with a sedating pain killing tincture still flowing through me)... so ignore my tired face. It's not the best angle to see my stomach, and I'm not sure I have a photo so you can compare, but believe me. My stomach isn't bulging like it was during PMS and pre-colonic. I normally can't wear this tank (medium Pact racerback) because my stomach is too bloated for it, but it fits well now!



You might be wondering why I haven't been doing gut cleanses here at home. I actually was. I take DGL regularly, and use aloe vera with slippery elm as needed. I also take vitamin C and magnesium citrate. In fact, the week before I got on the plane, my local acupuncturist had me on an herb blend with a strong laxative effect (and she didn't tell me.) Let's just say it was working and I was in the bathroom often. It just doesn't do the same thing as a colonic. All that water from the other end does wonders.

My other therapies were very helpful too. I love glutathione and vitamin C IVs so much. They wake up a part of me that I forget exists. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel more complete for a while after them. 

This was one of my German footbaths. This is not that silly type of detox footbath that turns colors based on what the water pulls out from your feet (hint: the water in those turns colors even if your feet are not in it!) This is a seaweed blend and it feels amazing on my purple freezing feet. 

Normally my mom travels with me to see my doctor. This time my husband insisted on taking me so he could make a vacation out of it. As much as I love to explore, I was honestly really nervous to vacation. I was unsure that I'd have the strength and energy, and I knew I'd end up holding him back from doing as much as he wanted to. He doesn't like to stay in one place long, he likes to see as much as possible and pack the day full. I used to be the same before I got sick. Now I like the idea of finding a pretty park in a new place and relaxing there for a while.

My doctor is in Portsmouth, New Hampshire (Human Nature Natural Health.) The first evening we got to relax on the deck of our Airbnb (I'll blog about finding Airbnb's that are safe later.) We had the most beautiful sunset to watch. That last evening we went to a Jazz Club downtown - not the sort of thing I'd normally do after 2 full days of therapies that leave me very calm, peaceful, and just wanting rest to soak it in. Also not the type of place my MCS normally allows me to tolerate. I was able to relax in my chair and enjoy it with a locally grown salad full of veggies I could actually eat. It was actually a fairly safe place for me to be that evening, surprisingly!




After 2 days there, we drove up to Portland, Maine for the day. Neither of us really liked Portland all that well. Everywhere we went people were either smoking cigarettes or marijuana. The downtown stone streets smelled like smoke, which was really disappointing. It was upscale swanky shopping for things that really were not that interesting. I found a store that said "organic apparel" on its sign, so I went in. No joke, all they sold were glass blown bongs and female sex toys. (Glass sex toys? Really?) No clothing anywhere. I went into Irish Crystal store - I had to know what Irish crystals were. There were no crystals, just a ton of very dusty old merchandise that I think was supposed to have been imported.

Finding dinner in Portland was maddeningly difficult. There are two Greek places in Portsmouth where I can get lamb kabobs that I do really well with. Portland? There are a crazy number of restaurants. So many of them only serve less than 10 dishes. Most of them are so unique, like culinary art dishes, that I couldn't eat any of them. I couldn't just get a steak because they were all marinated. We settled on a restaurant on a boat and I ordered haddock with asparagus. They did listen to my dietary needs and allergies, they did make it just as I asked for. But I found myself with a mild allergic reaction (tingling lips and a swollen throat.) Probably cross contamination.

The next day we drove up the coast all the way to Surry, ME (just north of Acadia National Park.) It was a full day of driving and stopping at interesting places along the way. I was so drained, so sitting in a car all day just looking at stuff was helpful. We got out at a few interesting places. 

Rockport, ME

A big bridge with an observatory on top of one of the pillars.

We arrived at our Airbnb in Surry that evening and found dinner at place in Ellsworth that worked out well for me. A smaller town, but much more simple menus! Notice how finding food that doesn't hurt me is a theme on this trip? I was able to cook every breakfast at our "homes," thankfully. We went into a couple of Whole Foods and stocked up on easy grass-fed hamburgers and veggies so I could cook breakfast. I also brought my own stainless steel pan. I know that sounds crazy, but I couldn't risk getting stuck with Teflon pans.

Surry, ME Airbnb - this place was great! Highly recommend for sensitive people like myself!

<sub><sup>We spent the last two days in Acadia National Park. Now this is where the trip gets interesting for me in terms of health. Obviously I wasn't going to do as well in cities with lots of people, pollution, and poor food options. I seem to get along with National Parks very very well!

The first day was an overcast costal misty kind of day, where it wasn't actually raining, but the mist got everything wet. I love those kind of days. We spent the first part of the day in Bar Harbor, which was everything I was hoping Portland was going to be and wasn't. The air was fresh, the streets were filled with truly interesting shops that were not filled with fragrance, it had fantastic organic and local food options, and such a pretty view. My husband doesn't like shopping, but he was enjoying the stores and we had fun. There was a hemp textile store (my favorite), a fair trade shop, a bookstore with a huge discount section of awesome books (I can't flip thorough many of them due to the ink, but my husband scored big time), an old fashioned clock making factory shop, gem and mineral stores, and more. I loved that I was able to go into many of these places with little issue. That's so rare for me. There were a few stores that I walked in and walked right out due to incense or fragrance, but overall most of the shops seemed to understand that people don't want to smell anything.

In the afternoon we drove the main loop in Acadia National Park. I loved the overcast mood over the park from the mist. It brought out all sorts of tones and colors in the trees and ocean that were not there when the sun was out that evening and the next day. We had the park mostly to ourselves. It was a Friday before Memorial Day weekend, so it wasn't busy at all. Perfection.</sup></sub> 

My hubby and I after arriving in the park

On top of Cadillac Mountain. I took this while in the middle of a cloud that was blowing across the peak. It was cold, but stunningly beautiful. 

After the cloud blew through I snapped this photo of the view. Breathtaking! 

I climbed over some of the rocky cliffs to take lots of photos like this

Me enjoying climbing close to the edge

The sun came out, so I hiked down these rocky cliffs and fond a cozy spot to lay in the sun. My hubby snapped the photo. He knew this was how I wanted to spend vacation: laying in the sun in a beautiful place!

<sub><sup>The next day we spent the majority of the day in the park. It was a very different day. The sun was out the whole day, it was warm... and the tourists started to show up. By the later afternoon the park was full and it was hard to find places to park at the attractions. Thankfully by that point we had seen most of the park without people in the way. 
I was feeling well enough so I picked out a trail to hike. Yes, I wanted to hike! I wouldn't say I had energy, but I felt strong enough. I felt in control. I felt capable. It took us 2 hours to hike the trail, and there was no warning about the difficulty level. The trail started easy, just walking on a path. Then, a ways into it, turned into slightly advanced trails on rocks and narrow wooden bridges. Then there were some vertical areas. As in, the path was no longer horizontal. We had to rock climb down maybe 20 to 30 feet in a few places. I was so not prepared for that.

But guess what? My heart rate was fine. Stayed in the 90's and low 100's. It was a challenging trail that left me sore, but my body enjoyed it. It wasn't giving me any trouble. The same thing happened in Glacier National Park. When I walk around easy Bismarck trails here at home my HR tends to be in the 120's up to 170's. I go to a National Park and hike advanced trails and my HR is actually lower, my breathing is great, I'm not dizzy, and I feel strong. What's the difference? Well, a lot. It goes to show I'm not out of shape. I could be in much better shape, but I don't have a deconditioning problem. In these parks I get dense fresh clean air. No dryer sheets, car exhaust, cigarette smoke, smelly deodorant on other people, pesticides, mosquito fogging... it's just pure clean fresh air. There's also no cell service, so no EMFs. This makes for a profoundly different environment. 

The problem is that I didn't feel energetic, only capable. I did end up hitting a brick wall near the end of the trail. I reached my limit of what my body could handle. I felt my mood suddenly drop, then my vision started to stagger and shake a bit, then my whole body started to shake, then I couldn't prevent involuntary crying, and then I felt the need to faint. But I didn't. Because my body resists fainting. It really likes to make me suffer through all the pre-fainting feelings until I sit or lay down. My heart hurt so badly. It was banging against my rib cage. I had air hunger. Everything was swaying. I felt like I was walking on a boat, but it was land. I ate some jerky, but it didn't seem to a be a blood sugar issue. Thankfully my hubby helped me get to the car and I was able to recover while he drove. When we got to the car there was an ambulance and firetruck at the trail head... I was worried about whoever they were there for, but also thinking to myself that I was so happy to know they were there if I had needed them. 
So I had a POTS episode. But otherwise I survived a 2 hour hike on a drop-dead gorgeous coastal cliff trail!</sup></sub> 

I choose the Great Head Trail

I wanted to do the tree, but I didn't want my dirty foot on my pants, so I did an awkward incomplete version. Hahaha

I enjoyed climbing all over these cliff edges. That's a long way down!

This was the view of Sand Beach from the peak of the trail, a very rare natural beach on the Maine Coast

I found another great place for a nap on the cliff edge!

I forgot how to pose in photos, so I just did silly things

Yes, this park was therapy. My doctor's clinic was necessary therapy, but so was this park.

Even though I have chronic fatigue and it's difficult for me to do much, spending the energy I do have in places that revitalizes me is really important. I'm recovered just enough that I'm able to travel for medical reasons, and able to do simple things on vacation if I'm driven around. I can't do the driving myself anymore. It's very overstimulating and overwhelming. New places used to be invigorating to me. But as long as I don't over do it and I have the right person taking me on the trip, every once in a while a trip like this really helps. Of course I have to factor in that I had just had 2 days of therapies from my doctor! It was like taking a pill that gave me quality of life and stimulation just long enough to actually go on a vacation. I highly doubt I could manage a trip to a city like New York - I don't have the energy for that. I would collapse. But driving around and walking as I'm able to makes for a healthy vacation.

The next day we flew home, but we started the day in Bangor, ME. Any Stephen King Fans? We had a bit of time to see a few landmarks, but here are 2. The statue from IT and Stephen King's house!



I could tell you a bunch of stories, like homeless people standing at our car door and making it impossible to get out, sitting next to a Canadian ER nurse on the plane, talking to a cancer patient at my doctor's clinic... but I don't have the energy. I wanted to share these highlights instead. 

Planning is Impossible

It's too early for my period to begin, about 10 days too early, but I'm in full blown PMS feeling like I'll begin the cycle at any moment. This is horrendous timing. If I'm this early this month, then I'll probably start my period while I'm traveling next month. It will ruin the entire *expensive* trip. Why did I schedule the trip so close to my period? I had no way to predict what would happen. I was very late the last two months. I had limited options of when I would be able to go due to my husband's schedule. I just had to guess on when would be a safe time to go.

Blood pressure is 89/57, pulse hovering around 100.

Sleep? I had nightmares all week when I was actually asleep. Last night I was finally exhausted enough that I got 9 hours of sleep, but I woke up feeling worse than every other day with poor sleep this week. My acupuncturist explained that my liver qi is rising, causing the nightmares.

I feel like I'm anemic - anemic on blood, life force, will to live... I'm just so weak today, physically and mentally.

I'm so tired of stressing over my body's problems lining up with my life plans. I can never stop worrying. I can never trust that I'll be able to participate in anything in my future.

In the words of Freddie Mercury, sometimes I wish I had never been born at all.
Why did God design our bodies so that we could suffer so often and to such a great amount? This is my cross to bear. I could be suffering just as badly in other ways. I could live in a war torn country learning to live with constant death all around me. Instead, I was born into a very stable loving situation. My suffering is just constant physical pain and exhaustion. But it's enough to drive me to insanity. To live with constant grief over missing out on my one and only chance to fully live life is enough to drive me to insanity.


Anyway, I really need to delay this period. I need to it at least start when it's supposed to. It simply cannot be early.

I'm going to try doubling my progesterone cream amount, and I'm going to take a Chinese herb blend (called Twin Sages) that is for stopping excessive bleeding. It has the type of ginseng in it that can help delay periods. We'll see if it works.

I'll probably end up getting stuck in this level of extreme fatigue and moodiness for the next 10 days if actually works. That's better than starting my period early next month while traveling.


I have the feeling that the best time of my life will be post-menopause. Then I'll give the middle finger to endometriosis and live spontaneously.

I am one of the most suppressed versions of myself. I wonder what kind of life I'm living in alternative realities where endometriosis, POTS, chemical and environmental sensitivities, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression don't control me? I wonder how many children I'd have, what kind of career I'd have, how many times I would have climbed Mt. Everest, how many books I would have written...

Dear Organic Clothing Brands,

Coupon codes
Satva: FRIEND-W5NKDQS (Good until May 15th, 2019)
Pact: http://fbuy.me/iAufr



Dear organic and natural clothing companies,

First of all, recycled polyester is not organic or natural. It's not even sustainable. Plastic sustains until the end of time, but it breaks down to forms we can't use anymore, washes out of our clothes as micro plastics and gets into the water, then ends up in the fish we eat, so then it ends up in us and causes estrogen hormone disruption. Please stop treating recycled polyester as an organic fabric addition - it isn't!

Should I even get into the problem how many us with sensitivities cannot tolerate polyester on our skin? The reason I wear organic is to get away from the added chemicals and synthetic fabrics that my skin doesn't like. Polyester gives me horrendously awful body odor with a rash. It's so bad I gag myself on the body odor. My skin gets super tender and uncomfortable to touch, and then slimy too. My skin does its best to get polyester away from it.

Pact, I'm looking at you more than any other brand I'm frustrated with, mostly because I've loved you for years. You used to never use polyester at all, now you have way too many options with polyester. Most of your men's line contains polyester. Why? Why would you exclude men from having 100% organic cotton options like you do in your women's line? There are natural textile alternatives you should be using, especially considering your slogan, "Make organic an unnecessary adjective." Polyester doesn't fit that slogan at all.

Second, stop assuming all of your customers do yoga or are athletic. Some of us don't have the bodies we want for whatever perfectly valid and politically correct reason, and we don't really want to show off our butts and stomachs in overly fitted clothes. I have endometriosis, which causes me to bloat badly. I'd rather not call attention to my bloat with tight or overly fitted clothes. Some brands have gone the opposite extreme of making oversized baggy options. I don't want to look like a potato sack either! I have no problem with you offering plenty of athletic skin tight options for those with the bodies or desire to wear it, but please remember the average person wants their clothes to flatter them, not show off their flaws. Would it be possible to buy a pair of sweat pants with a bootcut and a thick enough and just loose enough fabric that doesn't show off every dimple in the butt? A pair of pants without any of that recycled polyester crap? Why not replace it with hemp or tencel or bamboo? Because I've been actively looking for that pair of pants for years. Maggie's has done the best job so far with this pant (due to the thickness, and can be sized up for a more relaxed and just as secure fit), but the length is too long and the hem is very difficult redo myself.

Third, I'm all for being fashionable... but why does that have to mean making so many options that show cleavage? Do you know how hard it is to find an organic cotton short sleeve tunic/ shirt tail cut that actually covers my butt (from the tight yoga pants your forced me to buy because there are not other options) without a super low cut neck line? Well you should know since you make the clothes! Maybe the super low necklines don't matter so much for the A and B cup ladies who can find an organic fabric sports bra to fit them, like on your models. But for the rest of us with average or large busts... could we please have modesty?

Let me take this point even further. We all have different bodies, but every band seems to be catering to the same body type. Most tunic center back lengths are around 27". (I know because I've spent hours researching the length on every organic tunic I can find.) I have a long torso and short legs, so I need a 30" center back length for the tunic to actually look like a tunic on me. 31" would be awesome too. I would wear tunics/ high-low hems if only I could find one that's long enough!

Speaking of men's issues, please stop with this snug shoulder width problem. If XL fits everywhere else just right, why are the shoulders always too tight? Because of the "modern fit" and "slim fit" issue. I don't need it to be slim in the shoulders! It's nice not have to excess fabric hanging off in the back, but why does that automatically mean as tight as possible in the shoulders?

Fourth, bras. Seriously, why in the world hasn't any brand filled this need!? I'm ready to fundraise money so I can start making brass myself. MANY women are 29 DD+ in size. I'm a 34DDD. It's impossible to find any sports bra made from natural fibers that actually fits us larger busted women. I've settled on this t-shirt Natori bra made from modal. There is no polyester that gives me skin irritation, and it fits well. But it's seriously the ONLY bra I've been able to find that works for me... and it's not a natural or organic fiber bra. Modal is borderline natural and my skin tolerates it, so good enough. But what about sports bras? Nope. Can't find any options. There are brands making great options if you're humble-size chested. Tasc, Boody, and Pact make great bras without polyester added. But none of them are designed for anyone over a D cup. Please, for the love of comfort and dignity, one of you brands cater to the rest of us ladies!

Fifth, stop making most of your pants as short ankle pants or long 32" inseams. In fact, can we move towards the way men's pants are sized (well, in conventional fabric pants)? I would love to be able to choose my waste size and inseam. If I'm going to spend $80 on a pair of pants, I shouldn't have to hem it or limit what shoes and socks I wear with it due to being short. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and the S, M, L, XL sizes with no choice of inseam is awful. Even the petite, regular, and long choices have too big of a difference between them! I was looking at pants that came in 28", 31", and 34". Um... too short and too long! Where is my 29.5 to 30" option?

My husband has a couple fit issues too. He has short legs, and needs a 29" inseam. 30" is too long and requires hemming or rolling up, but there are no organic pant options in a 29" inseam! In fact, men's organic pants have a *major* issue with not actually offering different inseam lengths. Most brands only offer their pants in 32" inseam lengths... way too long!

Lastly, color choices and patterns... are rare! If I wanted all of my shirts, pants, and dresses to be solid black then I'd be happy. Black looks bad on me. My skin is pale and my hair is brown - black washes me out. I want color! I want green, purple, blue, salmon, magenta, dark orange, violet... and I want them in prints or patterns! Almost all of the tops I own are solid colors because that's all that was offered, and they're mostly blue, because blue is the main color being offered (that isn't black or white.) Sigh. Try looking for a green 100% organic cotton t-shirt. Last I checked, Pact was the only brand offering it - and they didn't offer it for a long time. Try finding a green 100% organic 3/4th sleeve high-low/ shirt tail hem with a modest boat neck. It doesn't exist anywhere, I looked. All I'm asking for are options, please. Stop trying to be so basic all the time.



I want to commend some brands that are getting it right. Sometimes. Or mostly. Or good enough. Better than everyone else, at least?

Toad and Co's Earthworks Pants. Organic cotton with tencel, under $100 SRP, and you can find it at clearance prices. Tencel (from the eucalyptus tree) does what polyester does: prevents the wrinkles and helps with drape. Without destroying our water or hormones. Awesome! I know there have been some concern about the chemicals required to turn it into a textile, but I'm sensitive and have had no issues with the tencel in this brand. They have a bit of issue with size consistency. I own three of these pants and they fit differently. One is a skinny ankle pant, the other is full length and straight cut, and the other is full length and practically boot cut. I ordered the exact same style each time, I didn't go for the skinny or wide leg options. Hmm.

Toad and Co is also the best company for finding organic options with prints and designs. They do offer a lot of synthetic options too, so you have to be careful and read the fabric composition. They tend to be a little too expensive, but their clothes often end up on liquidation sites likes Sierra Trading Post and Camp Saver. Amazon sells many of their clothes, but not all, and often not at the lowest clearance price.

Pact Organic (in general). They have gone through too many big changes over the years, but I can usually (not always) rely on them for affordable enough well made basics. They make clothes the right way: small batches. When they come out with a new style, you better buy it quickly if you like it. They do offer amazing clearance sales, but that one shirt you loved may sell out before it reaches clearance. I normally just shop their sales, but I have occasionally splurged on a full price item just to make sure I get it.

They have done a really good job with the cut and fit of their clothes, and I'm never guessing about which size to order. Their underwear is all I wear - it's the best! It fits my wide hip size, doesn't ride up, doesn't sag, doesn't curl, doesn't wear out quickly... it's just perfect. Ironically, they offer lots of prints and patterns for underwear, but no longer do on their t-shirts. (Pact, if you read this, I miss your prints on your outerwear clothes!)

Gramicci's hemp and cotton mix tops. Simply awesome. The fabric is very lightweight and breathable, but not sheer or flimsy. It holds shape very well. I do have one hemp/cotton long sleeve shirt from them that is thicker than their summer options. Hemp is an amazing textile, much sturdier and less stretchy than cotton, also tends to be more breathable. My complaint with the brand is that their medium tends to be a little too snug, and their large tends to be a little too large. You will need to be careful with sizing.

I've tried several of Gramicci's pants, and I've returned most of them. They're very well made, but they are all cut for the same body shape that I don't have. They tend to be straight from the waist all the way down, and that doesn't work for me. I'm too curvy. I kept one of their pants that's a super skinny ankle pant that built in room for my wide hips, and they're a deep purple color. I paid $10 for them on clearance, so it's ok that I won't wear them too often.

PrAna's organic cotton tops. PrAna is a sustainable, fair trade brand (they are B Corp), but their focus is not on avoiding synthetic fibers. All of the cotton they use is organic, but most of the time it is mixed with polyester. This is because they're an athletic brand and they're focusing on moisture wicking properties. That said, their non-synthetic options tend to be fantastic. They are a very high quality brand, and their clearance prices are reasonable. I can't link to any specific shirt on their website because they update very frequently, but you can search by the fabric content. Such an amazing search feature! Check out their sale section - it tends to be full of a wide variety of options.

I have a hard time recommending PrAna's pants, though. I'm always between sizes, so they're either too big or too small. Some of the ones that have fit me have been too stiff. The quality is so high that it's hard to move in them. Recently most of their pants have moved towards being a cotton and polyester mix, or nylon. They occasionally come out with a natural fabric pant. I have their Avril Hiking Pant, which is all organic cotton with a little spandex. The band is stretchy, not a button close, so they're actually comfortable for most situations. The inseam was incredibly long and I had to hem them, which took some skill to do because the bottom has an elastic draw cord. The problem is that they are hiking pants, meaning they look like outdoor adventure gear and not normal casual pants. I tried on their new Soledad pant last week - I was so excited by the drawcord waist and the non-synethic fabric. I ended up hating it - billowy around the thighs, too tight at the ankle. They advertise it as if you should roll up the cuffs as a style choice, and I was able to, but it was tight.

Tasc Performance. Careful, some of their older styles use polyester and nylon. But they have a big line of a blend of organic viscose (bamboo) with organic cotton. Bamboo is the best anti-odor moisture wicking fabric - it can be made naturally (Tasc does it the best possible way), and it's superior to polyester's abilities.

Look at their St. Charle's collection. It's all made from this fabric, and they have a wide variety of options. Yes, it's all athletic gear, but much of it can be worn in any situation. Their goal is to eliminate the problem of needing different clothes for different situations. It's very high quality, so it might be out of your price range, and their sale prices are not always good enough.

I wear their TFFN sports bra. It's too small, but it fits better than any other organic sports bra on the market. I sweat a lot and this bra is amazing at keeping my skin breathing.



Honorable mentions:

Maggie's Organics. They have a few good options, but overall their sizing is really difficult to work with. Their colors tend to be bland too. They're worth giving a try to see if their clothes will work for you. You'll have the best luck if you're slender. The few articles of clothing I own from them have lasted for years and still look new, so the price is worth it. These are not fast fashion clothes designed to be thrown out after a season.

Fisher's Finery. Like Tasc, they use a mix of organic cotton and organic bamboo, as well as some silk options. The quality is very high, and their clothes are very comfortable. The problem is that they stick to skin-tight pants. They are all essentially leggings and yoga pants, even their business dress pants. This style does not flatter my butt and thighs, so I avoid it in public or without a tunic or dress. The pants and leggings are ridiculously overly comfortable though - it's better than not wearing pants at all. They compress slightly, have a silky texture, thick enough for warmth and modesty, and are not tight anywhere.

Satva. They occasionally have a really good option, but most of the time they're just not for me. They're mostly yoga clothes.

They make organic cotton work out tops with built in bras that I want so badly to like, but they just don't fit. I bought one in large (I'm typically a medium, but I have a large bust). The top is very tight around my stomach, but too big in the bust. It makes zero sense! The shelf bra band is only in the front, sewn into the sides. There is no supporting for the band from the back. The band is too big, so I get zero support whatsoever... but meanwhile you can see the shape of my belly button because it's so tight.


Other brands worth looking at, but I don't have enough luck with:
Woolrich - clothes tend to be boxy and stiff, only some organic options.

Patagonia - I have a lot of respect for the brand paying to research how polyester fibers wash away into our water! They do offer some organic options, but they still focus way too much on polyester... despite the results of their study. They try to educate on how to be responsible with polyester, but I don't think that's the responsible answer. Polyester is the problem, just stop using it. That's my opinion.

Columbia - just like Patagonia, they're an outdoor company that offers some organic cotton and hemp options. When they do offer it, the options tend to be really attractive and unique (a good unique.)

Flu then Pnumonia then "Recovery"

First my husband came home with the flu and he was absolutley miserable. Then he had a week where he felt well enough, and I developed the flu. Then I started to feel slightly recovered and he developed Pneumonia. I had a week where I felt slightly ok, but had an extra painful endometresosis couple of days. Then a week later I got Pneumonia. X-rays and doctor confirmed Pnumonea. It looked like I had spider webs in my lungs. I was so incredibly sick, unable to lay down to sleep, that I willingly took the antibiotics. It turns out I'm allergic to amoxicillin, so then I had a few days of rashes and hives that left me in tears. I had to take antihistamines and lay in a baking soda bath for hours to feel even slightly comfortable again.

About 2 months of this is way more than I can handle. I'm still coughing up big wads of green from my lungs, and my ears often won't pop. Add to it severe negative windchills (as in we got below -40f several times), followed by a massive snow storm of 10 inches, and now tonight we're due for the next massive snow storm. We're in blizzard warnings right now.

I'm stuck inside of a house that I don't have the strength to clean, and I can't open the windows to air it out.

If I've been very grumpy, distant, selfish, unresponsive, or unsupportive... well I'm not sorry! I have not been well - no, I have not been ok!

My body is weak to begin with, so when put through the flu and Pneumonia back-to-back, you should not expect me to simply recover and get back to my life. My POTS has been strong, my fatigue intense, my sleep is a major chore... but more than anything, talking to people is the worst. I can't break out of my own head, and it's not even a choice - I simply can't listen. I'm trapped in a prison in my own head and everything you say bounces off those prison walls. I can't handle myself, so I cannot take you on.

I've pushed away my friends both online and in person. It got to the point where I almost felt like I resented them, almost hated them. I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want to listen. I hate that I ever felt that way, because I love my friends. But even now I still don't enjoy talking to them because I don't have the energy to engage. I don't even like TV shows because I don't want to listen to the character's problems. I can't take anything else on. I just need to recover myself.

I might need another few days. I might need a few more months. 

Getting sick on top of a chronic illness is very challenging. Pneumonia is no joke. People often get hospitalized from it. People die from it. I wish I was hospitalized. I really wish I had a machine attached to me to help me breathe, a port for regular IVs to keep me stable, a vacuum to go into my lungs and suck it out... at the very least, having trained medical professionals there to help at a moment's notice. That would seriously have been very helpful. But no. I suffered through it from bed without much help since my husband was so busy. I very inefficiently coughed way too much, slept way too little, sweated too much (I was up to 103f fever and the fever lasted just over a week), and ate poorly. Why? Because I was afraid of the cost of seeing a doctor, I didn't want to go on their drugs, I didn't have the energy to explain all my medical issues to them (that they still won't understand because they've never been trained on my issues), and I honestly felt like I didn't care of I died.

And now the most help I've had for my recovery has been acupuncture, but due to the weather I've only been able to go once. Acupuncture helped get more out of my lungs than anything else has, and gave me the strength I needed to rest properly. I'm going back for another appointment in a few hours - hopefully before the blizzard begins!

All I'm trying to say in this blog is that it's critically necessary to be patient with people who are sick on top of having chronic illnesses.

Thank you. 

Privilage and (Dis)Ability

This is a follow up to my last post.

There are several reasons why I'm careful and guarded about who I give my energy to, but one of the biggest reasons is that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I read people's energy, and it affects my own very quickly. This is dangerous for me because I don't have much energy to begin with. If someone is full of joy and positivity, it overwhelms me and makes me feel numb. If someone is full of resentment and anger, it spikes my adrenaline and makes me feel weak and worthless. If someone is full of melancholy, I feel a kindred spirit that I'm safe around because I'm not being met with expectations from them. I need to be around calm, relaxed, and laid back people to feel my best. People who are full of drive and determination, want to be too helpful, want to solve problems, want to vent and let off steam, or just want to have too much fun all overwhelm me. This doesn't mean I don't respect when people feel these ways. I am not asking you not to feel these ways, I simply need to guard myself from these feelings to protect myself.

If you know me personally, you might remember I used to be someone eager to analyze the problems of the world and try to come with explanations to understand them, maybe even come up with solutions to solve them. I wanted to talk about politics, religion, world events, and major news stories. I enjoyed thinking through world problems so much that I pursued a degree in Theology.

I can't be that person anymore. I am so overwhelmed with living day to day in my own skin, that I'm unlikely to have an empathetic and caring response to any world problem. You tell me children are dying every day from starvation in that country? I put up a wall immediately. If I choose to give care to this statement I'll be too sick to function. The emotions will exhaust me. You probably expect me to want to talk about how to solve this problem, and then appeal to my empathy and ask for my help in putting a plan into motion, or at least complain about the people who don't help. I can't do this. I can't feel my heart break for every suffering person in the world. It will cripple me. I need my energy to go towards standing upright, talking, digesting, doing chores, working my part time job, managing my pain, and staying on touch with the most important people in my life. If you ask me to spend my energy worrying about dying children that I have no ability to help, you're asking me to not have energy to take care of myself.

You want me to support Black Lives Matter, join the Me Too movement, join a political camp to either praise or hate on President Trump, become an activist for a controversial organization like Planned Parenthood (pro-abortion) or First Choice Clinic (anti-abortion), have a strong vocal opinion on vaccines, participate in Pride events like parades, stand on my Capitol steps protesting injustice with you...

You want me to be what you want me to be, a soldier in your activism army, and you're not listening to me. Yes, I live in the USA, the land of "tolerance," yet with extreme amounts of intolerance. I live in the land of having the privilege to be tolerant or intolerant. You want me to use my privilege to stand up for or against something. You want me to use my privilege to solve problems.

I can't.

And you're not listening to me.

I don't have the privilege of having energy to participate in the world. I wish I did. I have a whole lot of care deep in my heart and soul that I want to give.

I am not a cold-hearted closed-off person naturally. It's not my nature to ignore problems. I respect my body and soul's need to be calm and restful in order to live my life to the fullest I can in this condition. I am going against my own needs if I choose to get riled up over world problems. I need you to go solve those problems for me. I'm going to give my love, support, and respect to those of you who use your privilege, a.k.a ability, to go solve those problems.

Because that's the definition of privilege: Ability.

Do you remember my post on "Ableism"? It's just another term for privilege.

So in other words, I don't have the ability to spend energy on solving problems in the world.

I want you to stop viewing me, a white female college educated adult living in middle class USA, as a person of privilege and ability. I want you to start viewing me and people like me the way you view all the other minorities you're so concerned about. I am in a minority, one that is grossly mistreated: The sick and disabled.

Thankfully, there are activist organizations who are rallying the privileged/ people with ability to help people in my minority group. Next time you're looking for a world problem to solve, please consider helping those who don't have the ability to help themselves.

These are organizations related to illnesses I have. Please consider using your privileged energy to care about world problems on these organizations:

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Millions Missing

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)
Dysautonomia International

Endometriosis
Endometriosis Foundation of America

Multiple Chemical Sensitivities
Chemical Sensitivity Foundation 

I have wanted to write a post like this for a while, but I have worried about sounding like a fraud. I'm in a very good situation, considering I'm suffering from these illnesses. I have a good roof over my head, access to high quality food and water, husband and family who are very supportive, I am capable of working up to 12 hours a week (most of the time, I call in sick more than I like to), have been able to see really good doctors, and won my disability case. I have a lot more supporting me than the vast majority of people with chronic debilitating illnesses. I am extremely grateful, because I would still be 100% bedridden (if even alive) if not for all the privilege I have in my life to support me. I really want others with chronic debilitating illnesses that do not have this much support in their life to have more support so that they can be helped. This is my life goal now: finding help for the helpless in this minority group. These organizations make it possible. They help people who cannot win their disability cases despite being 100% unable to work, do not have family support, don't have roofs over their heads, do not have access to quality foods or water, cannot see doctors due to cost or accessibility, can't find a doctor to take them seriously and help them, and want to give up on life.

You want empathy from me? Give some to me and people like me too. I hope you understand why I'm too overwhelmed now. Thank you for listening.