"Life Happens Wherever You Are"

I'm contrary, but I know I'm not alone. 

I don't conform to what I don't agree with.

I'm frugal, but in an expensive way. 

Cheap makes me sick, but quality keeps me healthy and lasts.

I'm strong, but I'm scared.

Maybe I shouldn't have to endure pointless trials to prove I'm worthy of being human.

 I'm capable, but I'm not independent. 

I know what to do, but the reason is lost without you.


As a very dear friend of mine just said to me: 
"You need a break from the truth."

   

They say that intelligent people tend to be the most depressed and have the least hope. They also say that the arrogant with average intelligence take all the power and become the most wealthy. I think there's truth to it in many cases. When you're intelligent enough to see the big picture of life, you are able to see how pointless it is to dedicate your life to money. I also have seen that intelligent people are the happiest people, because they avoided living a life crushed by the weight of societal expectations and instead focused their lives on what they love most. I've also seen that those of average intelligence don't always win at life because they don't care enough about winning. 

Over the past few years I've been developing a pool of anger inside myself. I have a lot to be angry about:

I'm angry that I'm sick with chronic illnesses that rule my entire life. 
I'm angry that I didn't use my youth to train in skills that would help me feel useful and happy. 
I'm angry that I live in a country in which the dream of freedom and independence is only propaganda.
I'm angry that being "good enough" isn't enough anymore - if you're not the best there's no place for you.
I'm angry that family is no longer the priority, but instead a luxury of a successful career. 
I'm angry that I must have high standards, because average standards are unhealthy. 
I'm angry that marriage is no longer about love, but instead it's a business partnership for survival. 

I'm angry that good people are afraid to commit to anything: a job, a partner, a marriage, a place to live. 

I'm angry that I'm 36 and I have nothing to show for it. 
I'm angry that every bone in my body wants to be a mother, but my body can't handle it. 
I'm angry that my feelings don't matter, because I don't matter in a world that doesn't have a use for me.

I'm angry that the people who recognize my value and love me are so far away from me. 

I'm angry that I can't simply just live for what life is about: God, love, and happiness. 
I'm angry that "Christianity" has been warped into a political militia, but not an army for God.

I'm angry that I'm afraid to say I have faith in God, for fear of people assuming I'm a terrorist. 
I'm angry that I live in a country that's falling apart rapidly, but voters are focused on a popularity contest. 

I'm angry that I live amongst people who choose to steal from each other, then beg for handouts. 

I'm angry that people distrust love, but do trust autocrats. 

I'm angry that food is grown in damaging ways, and costs so much that it damages families.

I'm angry that I'm a late bloomer in life, once I don't have the energy to act. 

I'm angry that I will never retire. 
I'm angry that I'll probably never own my own home.

I'm angry that healthy water, healthy air, and healthy food is a luxury. 

I'm angry that seeking medical care would bankrupt me, even with insurance.

I'm angry that insurance costs more than preventative care would without insurance.

I'm angry that we built a society that is completely reliant on unsustainable resources.

I'm angry that I keep gaining weight despite how much money I spend on the highest quality food.

I'm angry that my teeth are so narrow that I'm self-conscious about my smile. 

I'm angry that I'm so contrary to popular opinion, because I really do want to get along. 

I'm angry that I'm so weak that I only know how to take action behind a screen or with my dollars.

I'm angry that I don't know what to do or where to go anymore because every path is futile.

I'm angry that everything I've accomplished in life, everything I've ever worked for... it's all falling apart. I'm so angry, so disappointed, and feel too much despair. And I'm even more angry because I know a huge portion of society feel exactly the same as me. 

I'm angry because it's all falling apart, and it's not because we failed. We simply lost a game we didn't know we were playing, because we were focused on something more important than a game: love, family, and peace. 

I've been accused of being too negative, too scared, not resilient enough, and a real downer. 
You want to know what crushes my spirit? Being invalidated by being called labels without being listened to. Am I supposed to magically feel happy when I'm living in fear? Am I just a wimp? Let's do an experiment: I'm going to lock you up in a cage with a lion and tell you to stop living in fear and just feel happy. What's the problem? Don't you have everything you need in life to thrive in that cage? You have shelter, meat, leather, bones to make tools out of to build with... oh wait, what? You can only do that if you kill the lion and somehow survive? Well that sounds really negative! What a downer. Stop whining and figure it out. And be happy! What's wrong with you, living in fear when you could live in happiness? Sheesh!

I know I could be happy despite all things to fear in life these days: inability to earn enough money to have shelter, food, clean water, clean air, family, safe transportation, etc..

...but it's going to take being in a community of people that bring me peace. All I'm asking for it some peace and security. I need to be in a community of people who acknowledge the challenges of life these days, accept my disabilities, and actively work to support each other (instead of competing and pushing each other down.) 

I have come to believe that a key to happiness in this life is to acknowledge each other's pain. When we acknowledge that someone is in pain, we can rally to help them recover and keep our society happy and healthy. When we ignore each other's pain because it's just such a negative downer, the pain breeds and spreads through the community. 

I'm not an unhappy negative person. I'm in pain, and I need to heal. And when I'm told I'm just negative, it's like twisting the knife in my wound. 

If I tell you that I'm hurting, the way to make me feel negative is by telling me I'm wrong to feel hurt.

And the worst part is I know you're hurting too. 

Is the problem that I'm looking deeply into the cause of my pain so I can make it better, and you can't understand why I would do that because you prefer to ignore it and keep pushing forward? 

I'm not going to apologize for being so in-tune with my problems. But I am sorry if I waste my time with people who aren't interested in fixing problems to build a better world.

The reason I'm angry and hurting is because I care. I CARE SO MUCH. Because I'm so full of love and compassion. And if you can't handle my level of care, then get out of my way. 

My husband and I went to a few state parks last week. We found this easy trail to an amazing waterfall. This is my happy place. At peace, in nature. It felt good... it felt like living. Simplicity. Beauty. Health. These are important.  

Highasakite - Love Him Anyway

"Why don't you run for your life? Won't you run for life? Paralyzed. Paralyzed. Paralyzed.
And you knew better. Didn't you? Didn't you? Know better. You know it's gonna break you, but you love him anyway. And I know you hate to hear it too."

Matthew Bellamy (of Muse) - Something Human (Acoustic)

"My circuits are blown. I know it's self-imposed. And all I have shared. And all I have learned. Is all I'll ever own. But something has changed. I feel so alive. My life just blew up. I'd give it all up. I'll depressurize."

The Boxer Rebellion - You Can Love Me

"The fight you pick is misunderstood. I will never be one to try and hurt you for good. Burn out, runs right through to my bones. You keep me awake, in waves of unwavering storm.

But I'll say:

You can love me

You can love me

You can love me

You have a choice"

Aurora and Pomme - Everything Matters

"So pure, and it hurts when the beauty is lost in the speed... 'Cause everything matters to me"