Exhaustion

When I get this totally exhausted, depression and hopelessness over take me. This is when I lose my desire to keep fighting. I'm too tired. Just let me give up. Right now I'm working with a cup of green tea AND my doctor's powder that gives me a huge energy boost. I'm still barely holding on, when normally caffeine has too much of an effect on me.

Have you ever watched the second season of American Horror Story: Asylum? The portrayal of the angel of death was very profound, and it feels so true to me. Basically, the angel of death came when a character was dying or begging for death and kissed the character, taking their soul into the afterlife. This angel of death had a few instances where she sat and chatted with a character for a while. "Are you ready?" "Are you sure?" She might ask. She would let the character debate with her. A couple of characters saw the angel of death multiple times before allowing death to happen, pushing her away, realizing he or she still had work to do on earth.

I haven't seen or experienced this angel of death, but the concept is very familiar to me. When I get this exhausted, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like the angel of death could appear at any moment asking if I'm ready. If she were real, I possibly would have said a couple of times. I've been that low - no energy to give me any desire to carry on. What's scary is that when I get this low, death is the only thing I can think about. It's so inviting. I'm not suicidal - I have no desire to end my own life. I just don't have the energy to fight for any more, and my natural instinct, which I don't have the energy to fight, says "give up." I can't give up on my own - I don't have the energy to end my life. This is where I feel like I've met this angel of death, in that deep void of energy. In my case, I don't think I'm the one telling her what to do. I think she's the one telling me I'm not ready. When I eventually come around, I agree - I'm not ready. I do desire to live, just not like this. I want my health back so I can really live, not just exist.

And so this is where I find my motivation to fight. I don't want to experience that low ever again. I don't want to waste my life not living. I want, so badly, to have my health. I'm exhausted. I don't have much to give, but what I have I give to trying to reclaim my health. It's been mostly successful - kind of? To borrow from my doctor's analogy about my energy levels: I feel like I'm trying to recover from bankruptcy, and the best I can do is work a part-time minimum wage job. It means I'm finding the strength to get better, but the progress is very slow. What I need is a full time career to get out of bankruptcy, but I'm not capable of getting one.

I'm describing chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ ME). I know many of my readers know what this feels like too, and I appreciate that others can relate so we can give each other support, but I'm hoping that those of you without CFS are reading this. I hope you can have empathy and see that CFS isn't an exaggeration or an excuse to be lazy. Trust me, I'd much rather feel lazy than fatigued. They are not the same thing.


......

I know why I'm in this slump: I've overwhelmed myself physically and mentally.

1. I'm applying for disability, and it's a massive burden. Just today I received deadlines in the mail and I really can't handle the pressure - I just want to run away from all this.

2. My weekend was not restful, between traveling, working, and spending too much energy on a long walk visiting my old college (which I wasn't expecting to do.)

3. I have been researching my DNA results, studying the interpretation reports, and joined in some forums. I also decided to join a Facebook group for B6 Toxicity, which I have. What I've learned is overwhelming. It's too much to handle. I felt myself "shut down" yesterday. When I read what these other people are doing to manage and recover, I totally shut down because my energy got depleted just thinking about doing what they're doing. I really need to take a step back - I knew that DNA results just lead to rabbit trail after rabbit trail. I'm too tired to research that much, and I don't care to study genes enough to even be able to research that much. That's not my job - I'll leave that to the experts. But the homozygous mutations that I do have that are well studied? Yes, they are overwhelming.

Yes, I have B6 toxicity, but I'm going to eat my thanksgiving turkey anyway. I do realize that turkey is high in B6, but I don't care. I just can't do all these limitations. Maybe I'll change my mind when I come around, but whatever.


I've leaned a lot. I have answers. I have better instructions. I have new supplements that are better tailored to my situation. This is great, but it's overwhelming. It feels like such a burden.


....

I'm baring my soul in posts like this. It's not the "me" I like to present on social media. We all want to put our best face forward on Facebook, and this isn't something I'd talk about except to people I'm close to. I'm choosing to write these types of posts for a few reasons: I'm too tired to explain my crisis to everyone who really does need to know, I'm hoping to find support, and I'm hoping to support others. By admitting my problems, I'm hoping I can be held accountable and be given support in getting better.

But right now, I'm hardly able to move, but my brain is happily employing the caffeine. Sigh. Did you know that frequent sighing is a symptom of adrenal fatigue? Sigh... yeah, I do it a lot.