Fresh Start, New Venture! Introducing: Kindling Health

Full Transparency: I joined my first affiliate program to start monetizing on what products I recommend. Why? Don't I have a real job? Not anymore and not yet - I just moved! I'd love it if you all use my links to buy products if you're genuinely interested in using them! I'm not doing this to waste your money! Besides, the whole point of this blog is that my energy levels are far too low to live like healthy people do. I do need to find ways to make ends meet, and I really do enjoy selling and promoting products that fit my values and needs. Thanks for your support in advance! 

Let me catch you all up. It's super EXCITING!! 

I just moved from North Dakota to South Carolina!!! Heck YES! My husband finished his doctoral degree and was able to land his first full-time associate professor job here. He no longer needs to work adjunct for several universities at a time! I'm so proud of him for making his dreams come true! It was all very good timing, as we needed to find a new home to live in anyway.

I really do love where I live!

This move is wonderful for so many reasons, but it does mean I need to start over. I need a new job, new doctors, new acupuncturist, and a new chiropractor. But... there are SO MANY opportunities and options here! I'll write a different post about the transition, how the weather has affected me, etc. Just know that, although North Dakota treated me very well, South Carolina might be the place where I can manage my health best. After the 2nd worst winter on record in North Dakota (by a 1/4 inch of snow), it was definitely time to find a warmer place. And you know what? Starting over can be extremely healthy! It's invigorating! 

The Peachoid, made famous in House of Cards on Netflix, is the monument of my new city.

I'm honestly really sad about leaving my job in Bismarck, ND (I worked for Terry's Health Products - TerrysHP.com, a locally owned health products store.) I loved what I did there: technically selling natural products, but for me it was about helping people in need know what to buy to alleviate their symptoms or improve their health. I loved learning about herbs, supplements, ingredients, health conditions, environmental concerns, and how to make the world a better place. I loved educating our customers too! In the last year I was promoted to running the social media accounts, which I really enjoyed a lot! So I've been thinking... why not continue that work on my own? There is no natural products store in the small town I moved to, although there are two 30 minutes away from me. That's too far to drive in my condition. But with your support I can promote and sell through my own personal brand! ;) 

I took this before my last shift at my job. It was hard to admit it was the last day!

The owner wrote this really sweet post about me leaving... it left me in tears. I didn't want to quit and leave behind my "family" there, but I'm happy to be in South Carolina now. 

Right now I just have this blog. I'm just beginning this journey. I'll start building TikTok, Insta, and Facebook accounts soon. But I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED to share products and ways to save money on high-end organic clothing with you all!! My brain is spinning with ideas! 

Short-term goals: Just focus on promoting what I already use to help me manage my health. Tools, foods, clothes, supplements, apps, etc. I have high standards and am strict about quality and ingredients, and I want all my thoughtful consideration of each product to help you make easier decisions on what to buy. I hope to build up my base this way, but also I want time to build up my accounts as slowly as I need to. My health is not exactly stable at this point, after the stress of the move and being without acupuncture. 

Long-term goals: I'd love to earn enough from this venture to be able to buy products I'm interested in, but don't necessarily need or I can't afford, and then test and review them for you all. We really do need people trying out products with big claims and then reviewing them. Social Media is full of products with potential, but are untested. And I'd like to help my husband save up enough money to buy a house. And, ultimately, I want to not need to apply for disability in South Carolina. 

My weaknesses and hurdles: I have very limited energy, and every day looks different. I have times when I feel capable, and times when I don't. I understand that consistency is a critical part of success doing affiliate marking. My mental health can be very sour at times - I can go to very dark places easily. However... I can promote what works for me during these rough times. Am I stuck in bed all day? I'll record video of what I use to help me manage it. Am I angry and depressed? I'll record myself in that state and show you how I lift myself back up. My weaknesses are weaknesses so many people have, so instead of putting on a professional/ fake influencer demeanor, I'll be super real with you all. I want to be the real thing in the internet sea of fakeness. 

You might be wondering why an introverted person with chronic fatigue and pain wants to do a SOCIAL venture like this. Because there are too many people who suffer with similar health complaints and they don't know what to buy to help. So many people want advice, but can't afford the right kind of doctors. I've poured a lot time, money, and effort into educating myself. I have worked in the natural industry for a little over 8 years. I've worked with natural doctors who have taught me an incredible amount. I cannot and will not replace doctors (please get help!), but I can give advice on what to buy. The market is over-saturated with products full of claims, greenwashing, and hidden problems. I feel that I'm the right person to help people with chronic illnesses weed this stuff out. I enjoy this kind of work, and it's even better because I live my life this way. I use these products, I think about this stuff every day, and I feel passionately about helping educate people on better ways to survive this toxic world and find ways to heal. 

This venture isn't really about me. I need to feel like my work is helpful to people, so I intend for it to satisfy my need to be helpful and build a healthier world, but this venture is about those who need guidance and direction to manage their health. I genuinely care, and I need my work to be about what I care about. 

That being the case, I really want your feedback and input! I'll be super forthcoming: I'm terrible at replying quickly. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I really can't find the strength to think. I do read everything though. So please do leave comments with your ideas! 


And as for my first promotion...

This post was fueled by:

Four Sigmatic Protect (formerly called Defend). I have been drinking this every morning in my matcha since the pandemic started. I have trouble tolerating some herbs that boost the immune system, probably because I'm auto-immune, but this has never caused me problems. It's a fact that I never had Covid, but is it because I've been drinking this? Who knows!? Ha! But what I can say is that this mushroom blend wakes up my brain and clears the darkness away. It makes it easier for me to start connecting with the world around me in my mornings. Caffeine can help me move and warm up, but it doesn't always get my brain to connect with reality. 

There are many mushroom brands to choose from these days, but the reason I choose Four Sigmatic is because they organically grow their mushrooms on logs and only use the fruiting bodies, not mycelium. This is very important because we can measure the nutrition in the fruiting bodies, but mycelium is not a good source of nutrition. Other brands grow in moldy conditions, on food sources like oats (which I cannot eat), and may not use the fruiting bodies. Not only that, but mushrooms are an environmental sponge, so if they're not grown organically in proper conditions they can be full of contaminants you don't want in your body. If you're interested, read more about their process here. 

Thanks so much everyone!! Let's make this world a healthier place together! 

Permanent Toe Nail Removal Surgery

Ha - I discovered this unfinished post as a draft. I'll publish it unfinished, nearly a year after the event. I should write an update on this situation, as my toe has not healed yet... 

The post:



Ooooookkkkkkkkk..... this is not a pleasant one. Permanent toenail removal. 

I'm NOT going to share photos of the wound. Unlike other bloggers... I didn't want to see their photos.

It would make you squeamish. I want to share my story to be helpful, and I know that gross photos will scare people away. I am going to share a few photos of bandages, shoes, and how my toenail used to be. These shouldn't be too much for anyone. 

PART 1: The Story

I had my left big toenails (yes plural) removed on October 18th. The damage began in 2018. The nail broke off the cuticle, a new nail grew in under it and pushed the original dead nail up. Then that new nail would break off and the cycle would repeat. I had 3 nails on my toe ever since, until this surgery. The nails were curling more and more as the years went on, and the pinching feeling was becoming unbearable at times. I didn't have a choice. It had to be done. 

Why did this happen? Well a Pulmonologist and Neurologist both thought that it was a side effect from taking Metaprolol to manage my tachycardia from POTS. Metaprolol did help lower my tachycardia, but it worsened my already poor circulation. My feet are normally icy and purple, but Metaprolol amplified the problem. I was going numb from cold, and my fatigue intensified too much. I had to stop taking it. These doctors said I probably cut off oxygen to my toes and I'm very lucky I only damaged the big toenail. I have had streaks on my other nails ever since, but I didn't lose them. 

My surgery was a horrible experience. Be warned, this story is something of a nightmare!

It wasn't exactly planned - my appointment got moved up a few weeks early, and I only wanted him to trim the sides down to reduce the pinching. I thought I could hold off on the surgery for another year, at least. Nope, he took a look and said I can't wait. So I had to get mentally prepared VERY quickly. I agreed to it, I knew it was coming eventually and already accepted the fate of my toe, but I didn't know it was going to be right then and there. 

The podiatrist has good bedside manner and has been good with me since I started working with him in 2018. I thought he was a good doctor. The trouble is that he works as quickly as possible, and he leaves the room quickly every time he isn't needed to do something for me immediately. He injected the numbing serum, I waited 10 minutes, then he came in and immediately started to put the tool under my nail. I could feel it! He didn't test my toe before starting the operation. He injected more numbing serum in a few spots closer to the nail until I was numb. Then he asked me to explain what POTS was. I looked away while talking, and in what was probably less than 2 minutes he said he was done. The top two nails came off very easily, almost without effort from him. That could have been a problem for me if I hadn't gone in for the surgery. And then he was gone and I never saw him again. 

His nurse is incredibly kind and friendly, gave me the attention I needed to pull myself together, and I loved her, but... and I don't know how much of this is her or the fault of the hospital being stingy...

She sprayed the wound with cold alcohol, then put gauze directly on the wound then wrapped it tight. Gauze absorbs blood and the blood will stick and dry to it. I'll follow up on this point soon. Then she did not give me a post-op shoe. She stuffed my sock back on my foot, then stuffed my foot into the boot I came in wearing. Which is a tad narrow because my feet at are a tad narrow, but they were no longer a tad narrow after swelling up my toe and putting a thick bandage on me. My big swollen toe was STUFFED into my tight shoe. Was as tight as possible. And I wasn't given a mobility aid. I walked myself to my car. I drove myself, not expecting this surgery. 

I was not prescribed antibiotics or anti-inflammatories, which I later learned is the gold standard of this surgery. No mobility aids. I was given bandages with padding smaller than the size of my nail bed. And told to go home and soak in epsom salt water. She told me to take aspirin or ibuprofen as needed... and let me tell you, I WISH I was given something stronger. I needed a lot over 3 weeks, which is so bad for my liver.

I made it home, pulled my boot off with a very uncomfortable tug, rested, and the numbing serum slowly wore off. I needed extra of it and it wore off within about 1.5 hours. I was told it could take up to the rest of the day to wear off, but no, that's not how my body is.  

Then it was time to change the bandage and soak in a foot bath. The gauze was glued to my wound, and I didn't know how bad it was going to be. She did put a thin amount of antibiotic gel over the cuticle, so it should have prevented the sticking, right? No, because the worst wound was up higher where the dead nail was attached. So I pulled at it a little. OUCH. I definitely swore loudly. So, not knowing what else to do, I sprayed it down with water until it detached. I was bleeding, but I did exactly what my instructions told me to do: put my foot into a foot bath with SALT. Epsom salt. To reduce swelling and clean it. An open wound on the most sensitive area of the body. In epsom salt. I screamed so loudly that I'm sure the entire block could hear me. I shook so hard from the shock of the pain that my husband had to hold me still. OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. No swear words were strong enough for that situation. 

But I continued to follow my instructions, and I put gauze on the wound and bandaged it. Guess what happened when I had to change that bandage? Yep. Screaming and crying.

So... the wound kept getting ripped open, despite my soaking the wrappings to peel them off. The wound couldn't heal. 

That's when I sought advice from friends who are medical professionals and got creative with the supplies I had.

My husband bought me whatever he could find at CVS. I couldn't do the foot baths for the first week, even without adding epsom salt. I tried and it had me in tears every time. So instead I sprayed iodine liberally all over my foot and the wound. I let it soak in, then I sprayed an antibiotic with lidocaine mix. I used witch hazel soaked pads with alcohol in them to clean all around the wound, but I couldn't touch the wound itself. Way too painful. Cleaning the wound with any pressure was going to have me in tears. 

I used extra large bandages and tented it over the nail bed, so that the pad could not touch the wound. That was the only method that was working for me. The trouble was when I accidently moved my toe in such a way that the padding did touch the wound, which was still bleeding after more than a week, and the padding stuck the wound... then rippped at it. There went any healing progress! I tried a different method of bandaging the wound with smaller bandages, and the adhesive touched the wound just enough that I couldn't rip it off.  The only way I could get the bandages off in both situations was to soak my whole foot in a foot bath. It stung like crazy! But eventually, after about 10 minutes each time, the bandages released and popped off into the water. And that's when I realized I was able to tolerate the foot baths well enough to do them to clean my toe out. But not with epsom salt. I used colloidal silver in the water instead. 

So I thought through it. I decided to put antibiotic gel directly only the pad of the bandages, and I painted it with a sterile pad to coat the entire pad. That worked to prevent the pad from sticking to the wound. That is what I should have been doing the whole time, and I never should have attempted a smaller bandage. 

But then... about 2 weeks into this nightmare, I started to get a lot of pus. White, not yellow, but a lot. Everyone told me it was time to see a doctor - a different doctor. I mailed my podiatrist photos of my pus covered toe on a Thursday evening, thinking I would get a response the next day. At 11 am the next day the message showed it was read, but I never got a reply (at all - not even by today.).

So by Friday afternoon I decided to go to the walk-in clinic, and it was a very good thing I did! The doctor was an ER doctor and the nurse had podiatry experience. Both excellent! I told them how I was I treated - I mean, not treated. They couldn't say much, but they did tell me how to take care of myself correctly. The nurse swabbed my toe bed to do a culture - OUCH OUCH OUCH. Holy @#$%^. And then the doctor put me on antibiotics. She attempted to put me on an anti-inflammatory, but I was allergic to all of them. She wrote me a note to prevent me from going to work and told me to get off my feet no matter what! The nurse taught me how to bandage properly, and even gave me scissors to cut bandages exactly right. Then she told me where to go to buy a proper pair of shoes to recover in (I'll get into the shoe issue in the next part of my blog.)

That was exactly 1 week ago. I took my antibiotics, got my proper shoes, bandaged correctly, got off my feet as much as possible, let it breathe more, was able to clean it in foot baths, and elevated it more often. In the last 48 hours I have FINALLY started to heal. I was at a 8-10/10 level of pain managed only with ibprofen for 2.5 weeks. In the last 48 hours the pain level went down gradually, and I haven't taken pain killers in this time. I now am at a 2-3/10 level of pain when resting, and it goes up to a 5/10 when touched or walking too much. The tenderness on the nail bed is 50% reduced. 


PART II: Complications and Solutions

Shoes:
MAKE SURE YOU GET A POST-OP SHOE BEFORE THIS SURGERY. Don't rely on your doctor to give you mobility aids. And trust me, you will need it. Think through this: you have to put all your body weight on your foot to walk, which increases pressure on the wound, which is on the most sensitive part of your body. Consider using a cane too. You're not being a baby. Keep weight off that toe if you want to heal!

I couldn't find a post-op shoe in town. I spent a week looking and asking around, and it meant I was hobbling around on the side of my foot without a shoe, which lead to ankle pain. All I could find were expensive boots for ankle recovery. I tried all the shoes I own. The ONLY shoe that I could make work was a Teva sandal, and it wasn't comfortable at all, but it was all I had. I went to work wearing that sandal and it was borderline not acceptable for all the walking I had to do. 

The nurse at the walk-in clinic sent me to The Uniform Center on 3rd street in Bismarck. Their new shoe store, Happy Soles, was phenomenal. The lady who helped me has been through the surgery too, and her daughter has POTS. She understood!! She was able to fit me in an open-toed slipper that's been saving me. It has a thick sole that isn't flexible, so it's keeping me stable, and I don't feel the ground. It has Velcro straps on top so that I don't have to slide in and out. I strap it on. It was a game changer for my recovery!!! The velcro is very impotent: I couldn't slide into slippers because of the size of the bandage and the pressure. I needed straps that come fully open so I could simply step onto the sole and then strap in. 

POTS: 
Okay - this really really really complicated issues. I wasn't prepared for the biggest issue at all: blood pooling in my feet. 

INFP 5w4 Seeking Explanation of Feelings and Chronic Fatigue

Covid shut me down. I coiled up inside myself and became really distant. My desire to write and share with the world totally went away. I’ve been through a lot with my health. I never actually caught covid, thank God. But managing a chronic illness during a pandemic with unstable income, a husband in grad school, and a lack of desire to leave my own head has meant I’ve not been diligent and I’ve allowed my body react how it wants to. I’ve poured any extroverted energy I have had into work, which has kept me sane. I work retail, so it’s been a little wild, but it has given me something to do in a controlled situation instead of analyzing the whole world until exhaustion.  
 
But the best part of these last 2 years has been living through such an intense situation because it showed me what I’m made of, who I am, and why I am. I already knew my personality types, but I have developed a much deeper understanding because of how I have reacted and who I have been able to foster friendships with. That’s what I want to write about. Because I realize that my personality type has a profound impact on how I live with a chronic illness – especially chronic fatigue.  
 
Today is the day because it’s day 3 of the 2022 Snowpocalypse. We’re in a record-breaking blizzard with no signs of an end, and I’m quite literally trapped inside my house. I cannot open any doors. The snow drifts against the garage doors might make it hard to get the snow blower out to clear a path. So if I needed to escape I might actually need to go out the window and start digging. I’m finally used to the blizzard and can stop getting lost in my feelings about the experience of it, so I can write now. Ha!  
 
INFP 5w4 
 
This is my Myers-Briggs type and Enneagram type.  
 
I = Introverted 
N = Intuitive 
F = Feeling 
P = Prospecting/ perceiving  
 

INFP are called “Mediators.”  
Although they may seem quiet or unassuming, Mediators (INFPs) have vibrant, passionate inner lives. Creative and imaginative, they happily lose themselves in daydreams, inventing all sorts of stories and conversations in their minds. These personalities are known for their sensitivity – Mediators can have profound emotional responses to music, art, nature, and the people around them. 
Idealistic and empathetic, Mediators long for deep, soulful relationships, and they feel called to help others. But because this personality type makes up such a small portion of the population, Mediators may sometimes feel lonely or invisible, adrift in a world that doesn’t seem to appreciate the traits that make them unique. 

Introduction | Mediator (INFP) Personality | 16Personalities

 
 
Each time I have tested on the Enneagram, I come up as a type 5 with a very strong 4 wing. That means that, at my core, I’m a type 5, but I have strong traits from the type 4. I think I’m about equal on both types, and my core can change depending on the type of situation or environment I am in, but I am most rooted in the 5. This is not uncommon with the enneagram, as it allows for personalities to adjust depending on how healthy or unhealthy the person is.  
 

“5w4 Traits 
Type fives with the fourth wing are a part of the Head Triad, so they are motivated by their thoughts when making decisions, and if lacking awareness can allow fear to overwhelm them. A five with a four wing desires to be helpful using their knowledge and fears being inadequate. Also known as ‘the Philosopher,’ they spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of the universe and studying the purpose of life. 
5w4 Behaviors 
Those who identify with 5w4 are curious and thoughtful on the five’s side and are creative and eccentric from the four’s side. Enneagram fives are generally so focused and devoted to gaining knowledge that they often will ignore their feelings. Still, with a four’s guidance, they can recognize and process them. They often focus their studies on unconventional topics.” 

5w4 | A Helpful Explanation for Enneagram Type 5 Wing 4 (enneagramgift.com)

 
What the pandemic did for me was deconstruct who I built myself up to be, and instead learn, accept, and appreciate qualities I have that I suppressed.  
 
My whole life I’ve been hungry for knowledge, but not because I want to use it. I just like to understand. It’s been hard for me to learn how to apply it to anything. I would rather know than act. I would rather understand than feel. I would rather think than experience. It makes sense with my type, right? Not exactly – I was suppressing and denying my natural traits because I thought they were destructive. I thought that taking action required enough knowledge, but I never had enough to be confident enough to do. I thought that feelings were unreliable distractions that got in the way of making good decisions – I might feel strongly, but what is the reality? I thought that experiencing life was part of gaining knowledge, not connecting with my feelings. I was seriously wrong about all of this, because it meant that I treated feelings as unimportant, selfish, and even too indulgent. Who am I to be selfish and pursue what I feel? I treated my intuition as voodoo magic that wasn’t part of a healthy decision-making process. That said, I have always been finely tuned into other people’s feelings, and I’m highly empathic. I’m very compassionate about the feelings of other people, and I’ll even validate and defend their right to have their feelings. I just wouldn’t do it for myself. I can understand that this is my 5 core being distrusting of my 4 tenancies. All I was missing was someone in my life to teach me that it’s okay to be a 4 too – it's okay to feel deeply and trust my feelings. In fact, it’s a source of strength I have been dismissing.  
 
But I met a person who is an INFJ, and we developed a strong friendship. If you’re already very familiar with the Myers Briggs types, then you might be smiling and laughing at this. INFJs are essentially INFP (me) that can live in reality and take action. They are known as “Advocates” because they are excellent at reading people and giving advice. They are the rarest personality type of all, so it’s not that common to meet one, even less so a healthy INFJ who understands how to thrive as this type. But I met this person online, and our conversations were immediately very deep. And we’ve been talking for years. This person challenged me to listen to my feelings. This person taught me to be empathic with myself, instead of just so empathic with everyone else. This person really listens to me. I’ve never been listened to by anyone else on this level. So I talked and shared until I realized that I am a person with a whole universe inside of me that is packed full of deep feelings. My feelings are valid. My feelings are an important part of me. And they definitely deserve to shape who I am. This person changed my perspective and opened me up to being a much healthier version of me. And that’s not easy for anyone to do – I'm usually very open to listening to who other people are, but I keep myself guarded. I like to grow on my own terms, not because someone else tells me how.  
 
When I began to talk about my feelings as something meaningful and important, I discovered how deeply authentic I am. I have always been an open book to anyone who cares to listen, but I cared more about being validated than understood. I didn’t need to be understood, I needed to know I was making good decisions or that my reactions were correct. I have a strong moral compass that guides me, but I am definitely a free spirit that I have been trying to control. It’s a duality that can work in my favor if I let it. If I respect my feelings, they lead me where I need to be without breaking my morals. It’s scary, because I need control based on a lot of knowledge, but my feelings are not working against me. They’re actually important information I need so I can steer this ship through life. I used to believe I am not my feelings. But I only said that because I thought feelings lead to immorality. That might be true for someone without a moral compass, but why didn’t I trust myself enough to listen to my feelings instead of just acknowledge them?  
 
I have always been distrustful of people who act out too much on their feelings. These people tend to call themself “spiritual”... what does that even mean? What spirit are they being guided by? Don’t they guard their souls from bad influences? If they’re so free to follow their feelings, aren’t they running blind? Do they even know who they are or are they just a spouge for mystic energy? It’s these people who have made me distrustful of listening to feelings. I have seen many people like this struggle to take care of themselves, end up in bad relationships, get abused, struggle to keep stable jobs, etc. But I’m starting to understand better. They tapped into something real and beautiful, but they didn’t always try to understand how to use it to build solid lives. They were easily lost in the beauty of feeling the universe and all the gifts it offers. And in many cases, they never found meaning in it. Just beauty. And meaning is the most important to me – that's why I believe very firmly in God.  
 
I’ve met a lot of people over the years who have talked to me about energy healing through crystals, pendulums, and other tools. They’re sensitive to the vibrations in these objects, and use the vibrations to improve their own energy. I was raised to believe this kind of practice is a type of “spiritualism” that makes people open to demons. I didn’t try to understand it – in fact, I avoided it. I didn’t see any way it would help me anyway, because I believed I was in control of myself and my own energy. I’ve also been deconstructing this. I’m more sure than ever that this “openness” to the universe definitely does lead people to demons, but I also see the same beauty that they are attracted to. I feel the vibrations. I never wanted to admit it before, because I thought it was against my religion. I’m realizing it actually is not. It’s part of creation, and these vibes do carry important messages. It’s not wrong to listen. My strong moral compass is critically important for me to navigate it while gaining from it.  
 
I when I started acupuncture nearly a decade ago I was given the opportunity to learn about energy through a scientific practice. I understood that acupuncture worked by directing qi (energy.) It is an energy healing practice. And it works wonders for me. But I kept growing stagnant and needed more treatments – I wasn’t really listening to my feelings to understand my qi. I was letting it do something beneficial to me, but I wasn’t helping to control the process. Until I dug in deeper to try and understand how energy healing works. Traditional Chinese Medicine offers a lot of profound and logical explanations. Reading how qi was defined, what its purpose is, and how we rely on it gave me the epiphany I needed. The world was created with this circulatory system of energy, and if I’m not part of it, my circulation will be cut off. Feeling the energy of other people. Gaining energy from nature. Having my energy stolen from the artificial. It all makes sense. This circulatory system of energy is very beautiful, and absolutely essential for all life on this planet. It’s not undefined “spiritualism,” it’s not a religion, it’s just harmony with creation. It’s important to be in harmony with creation if we want to be healthy, grow spiritually, and make meaningful connections with other people and ourselves.  
 
Now that I understand this, I understand what my feelings are telling me. They’re not selfish indulgences. My feelings are built from my core nature and designed to keep me in harmony with creation. The purpose of my feelings is to keep me authentic. They prevent me from taking the wrong path, no matter how logical, and they guide me to what I love most. I’m not smart enough to live life without listening to my feelings. I understand that now. And I take it very seriously now. The straight and narrow path to God isn’t about ignoring my human nature, it’s about tuning my nature into Him.  
 
I would have made an excellent Gnostic back on the day, but I would always have been miserable. And I would have justified the misery for a higher purpose. But now I understand it’s not serving me and it’s not leading me to God.  
 
I met someone else. Someone who is trained in Traditional Chinese Medicine. This person has been a huge inspiration to me and has helped me understand my own energy much better. He’s taught me some Chi Gung, but I have a very long way to go. I’ve always been very introverted, aware of myself, and connected to how I feel. He’s been teaching me how to listen to my body to understand, not just listen to react. He says he can teach me to take control of my own energy. It’s a path I want to go down because I’m tired of seeking helping from doctors and healers. I gained a lot of answers. I’m really grateful to all of them. My life is only moving forward because of them. But if I can learn to take control of my health, I’ll be as self-reliant as I want to be. It’s been wonderful to have all the tools my doctors have given me. I’ve been able to follow a strict lifestyle so I can be less reactive and more proactive. I’ve been able to stay in some amount of control. But it’s so many rules to follow, and I’m very good with rules. And I finally admitted that I have a free spirit in me that wants to live. Really live. Experience. Feel. Feel very deeply. But I need to learn more control over my energy to let that free spirit live. And these Chinese practices make a lot of sense to me. It all fits.  
 
I’ll bring this back to the topic of chronic fatigue.  
 
I think I survive chronic fatigue too easily. I’m a natural at it. I don’t enjoy it. I get very frustrated that I swim in my dreams inside my head day and night with no end, only to discover my life doesn’t move forward. But I have the ability to survive it because I’m too good at living inside myself. I don’t get bored because I live in a universe of my own creation. But I get really sad, because I want to physically be present in the actual real universe. Physical touch is my love language – and not just with people. I want to touch everything in nature. I’m not ashamed to hug a tree! I really don’t want to be alone, even though I’m very good at it. I crave connection with people who don’t drain me, but I’m easily drained. I have to be really selective about who I give energy to. I want to be an influence on the world though. I want to leave my mark. I want to leave other people feeling better for having known me. Part of me knows that I can do that by just being loving, so I can rest easily knowing that my love is going out into the world. But another part of me says it’s not enough, and so I learn to organize my limited energy so I can actually live in reality, sometimes, and accomplish something meaningful.  
 
I read about other people with chronic fatigue who get very angry. I understand it, but I don’t relate. I think most personality types would be hindered by chronic fatigue a lot more than my personality type. People who are driven to accomplish, people who have talents waiting to be developed, people who need to be needed, extroverts who need a lot of friends, etc. I can understand how much this condition can hurt them. It just makes me sad. I accept it easily, but I’m sad. Because I'm scared to death of not experiencing life. I don’t want to grow old feeling like I never got the chance to live for myself. And I've learned it’s not selfish to think that way. This is MY life. It’s the only one I'll ever have. I can’t give it away to other people. I can’t give it away to an illness. I might be very capable of living some life with chronic fatigue, but it definitely is a giant road block to my happiness. It’s very hard for me, an INFP, to learn to develop a healthy personality when I don’t have the energy to leave my head. And I really desire to thrive as this personality type. I love who I am. I want to stop feeling curious about who I would be with the energy to go out and live. I want to actually do it. But... years and years go by of living in my head. Without taking much action. I refuse to be bedridden, so I’ll do whatever is in my power to be as healthy as I can be. But I’m sad if my life is only spent following rules so I’m not stuck in bed all the time.  
 
I had many many more points. But I’m emotionally exhausted now. More later. 😊 

Covid Vaccine Side Effects....

I've been hesitant to say anything on social media about my choice to get the covid vaccines. I know many of you will not approve, so please don't start an argument with me. I spent a lot of time researching the benefits vs the risks, and I decided that the benefits outweigh the risks, especially due to my health situation. Covid has the potential to undo all the hard work I've done to manage my illnesses, and I'm not willing to throw away 8 years of intense work to have this level of stability (and I'm far from stable!) I determined that the vaccine is less likely to cause me long term harm than Covid itself, and it would completely idiotic to assume I won't catch covid eventually.

I would go into more detail on my research, but I don't have much energy at the moment. It all boiled down to UK studies showing that people with post-covid POTS were going into remission from the covid vaccine, and the rate of people developing POTS from Covid is substantially reduced in vaccinated people. The last thing I want is for Covid to worsen my POTS. The vaccine side effects are better than worsening my POTS. I also just don't handle viruses well. Ever since H1N1 I haven't been able to handle getting sick. I take really good care of myself and don't get sick easily anymore (I did as a child and teenager), but now when I do get sick it knocks me out twice as hard and twice as long as everyone else. Covid could be really dangerous for me. I've been avoiding people the best I could, but it wasn't possible anymore since fewer and fewer people take any covid precautions. 

But I do want to share a bit about my experience to contribute to the conversation. I was hesitant because I was nervous about how my body would react to the vaccines. Last year I had a tetanus shot that left me with side effects for 2 weeks! It was miserable! But my motivation to help end this pandemic (since not enough people are willing to get vaccines to help protect the most vulnerable) fueled me to research this covid vaccine and just do it. 

I got the Moderna because I have the most trust in their company.

My first shot gave me 3 days of side effects. It was not fun, but it wasn't as severe as I worried it would be. I tasted metal in my mouth, had a constant headache, lots of heartburn, my gut was in a lot of pain and caused some unpleasantness in the bathroom, my joints were swollen, I had occasional chills, a sore throat, and my toes were more purple and freezing cold than normal. The 4th day was better, so I went for a walk that ended up being more strenuous than I could handle, and left me with another couple days of malaise and fatigue. I wasn't ready for exercise and I paid hard for it. Then I started to return to my "normal," but all month I had a struggle with chest pain and heart burn. I kept taking so many pills to try and stop it and nothing was helping enough. I had to go home early from work a couple of times because the chest pain was so bad that I couldn't focus. I had about 1.5 weeks where the chest pain and heartburn subsided before getting my next shot.

Then I got my second shot 5 days ago.

Monday morning at 10 am I got the shot. It only took a few minutes for an elevated heart rate to start bothering me. It took about an hour for increased fatigue to settle in. By 5 pm that evening I was in pain. A LOT of pain. I don't just mean my arm. It was like a full blown fibromyalgia flare on steroids. 

Tuesday morning I woke up in tears. The pain was enough where I considered going to the hospital, and then it felt like I had the flu on top of it. Every muscle in my body was screaming, tense, and giving me sharp pains when moving. My calves were twitching and spasming. My circulation was much worse than normal and my toes were so purple and cold that I couldn't move them. My neck and head felt like they were imploding - like they were filling with gas that was trying to expand them. I couldn't touch my skin because it was tender and sensitive the way skin is with the flu. My fatigue was strong enough that it was really hard for me to get out of bed and take anything to help. I ended up collapsing when trying to stand up. It wasn't possible for me to stand in one spot. If I was on my feet I had to keep moving or I would faint. POTS made the vaccine worse, or the vaccine made the POTS worse? Don't know.

Wednesday was still very bad, but different. The body pain mostly moved up to my head and chest, but my joints still ached mildly. The chest pain began, the heart burn kicked in, and my headache was worse than ever. The sore throat begin. 

Thursday the pain reduced enough where I felt relief, but the chest pain continued. I could finally start using my arm mostly normally. The fatigue was still too much, so I couldn't accomplish much. The sore throat and headache were bothering me a lot. I was still icy cold. 

Friday, yesterday, was the best I had felt all weak, but a new problem occurred: diarrhea. I don't just mean a little. It was dangerous to be away from the toilet. My body was in purge mode. It lasted the entire day up until bed time. I had to go grocery shopping, and it was the scariest grocery shopping experience since all I was thinking was that at any moment I could have to drop everything and run to the bathroom. My fatigue couldn't improve much under this situation. My chest pain reduced a little bit. The sore throat and headache reduced too, but still came and went. I noted how incredibly pale I looked. I was just out in the sun for most of last week, so I have a decent tan. My face was sheer. 

Today, Saturday: My head is still going in and out of a mild headache. I don't get headaches often, so this is not normal for me. My stomach and gut still give me occasional sharp pains and gurgles, but I returned to solid. My fatigue is still stronger than my normal, but I had a cup of green tea to help me get something done today... which is writing thig blog, apparently. I still feel like it's too much effort to get out of my chair, but my mind is working better than it has all week. I feel like I might be in the stage where I'm past the vaccine side effects, but my body has to recover from being so sick. 


If any of you understand how to read sleep data, then here are my Oura Ring results from Monday night into Tuesday morning:

  

For reference, here was Sunday night into Monday morning:

Chronic Fatigue is not "Boring"

Someone asked me recently how I'm not bored spending hours alone with only myself daily. 

First, no. The nature of chronic fatigue is to not have the energy to do much. It's not boring to be fatigued. It's like being lost in a meditation that I can't wake up from on my own. Time doesn't feel the same as when I have energy to work with. Time doesn't feel linear, it feels like something that I have to remember exists.  

Second, do not underestimate my ability to dream for long hours, even without falling asleep. If I had it in me, I would write novel after novel about my dreams. Many, however, are in very slow motion. I experience many images that last me for... who knows how long? It's not boring, it's allowing me to stay alive with my feelings while I can't physically participate.  

Third, even if I was healthy enough to take on the world like the rest of you act like you are (are you really?), I'm naturally very introverted. I'm not anti-social. I love to make deep connections with people, even if they are not lasting. I draw my energy from being alone, whereas people drain my energy. I have always needed to spend time alone every day to be with myself. 

Fourth, what does it matter? This is my process to allow myself to successfully come out of my shell and use my energy out there in the real world. I'm not turning to pot, alcohol, heroin, pain kills, and other substances. I'm just resting. I'm just zoned out. I'm not turned on, and I don't want to be. How can it be boring when I'm shut off?

Fifth, do you know what happens when I don't get to be boring and be alone for hours daily? I fall apart and crumble away until I'm completely unresponsive to people. The headache, the throbbing in my ears, the heartburn, the gut ache, the fibromyalgia, the chest pain, the endless internal screaming for mercy... I simply cannot over spend my energy without my body protesting hard. So I ask again, what does it matter to you, if it means I can be present and engaged with you when I am alert?



But... there is this incredible thing called the internet. I feel like I have the ability to be more myself online than in reality. The internet removes the stimulation that drains too much of my social energy in person. No body language, no vocal inflections, no eye contact, and no environmental stimuli. I can laugh without expressing it. I can take my time to think about a response instead of just react. I can watch a video of someone or listening to their recording as many times as I want to really absorb what they're saying. I can lay down in bed without having showered and my hair a hot mess while having the time of my life talking with people all over the world without seeing each other. How many evenings have I spent too exhausted from my day to physically do more than lay in bed, but still have a desire to connect with someone, so I join my friends in my mobile game?

And the beauty of the internet is that when I've reached my limit of what I can handle, I just put my phone down and close my eyes. I don't have to explain that it's time to go. I don't have to watch someone get angry with me for zoning out while talking to me. I don't have to physically walk away. I can just set my phone down. 



I have times when I'm so blood deficient that I'm not social for weeks at a time. As if chronic fatigue isn't enough, I have a problem with endometriosis causing me to bleed heavily during ovulation too. Imagine bleeding for half of every month. I think any person would feel exhausted by this too. I'm going through this right now. 

I tend to feel extremely heightened emotions during these times. I don't want to be social, but I do want to play out my emotions and experience them deeply. It's a lonely feeling because I don't want to engage with another person to feel these emotions, partly because it takes energy I don't have, but also because I'm afraid they won't be able to feel the emotion I need to feel with me. If they can't make me feel how I want to feel, they'll only drain me further. So this is why I turn to music. I can be extremely selective and picky, choosing to only listen to songs that fit what I need to feel. 

Today's song? Well you see, someone on youtube made a video of the same song playing for an hour. It couldn't be more perfect for what I'm feeling today. The mood of the song is exactly right. (Forgive the F bomb in it - but it's one of those appropriate uses, not an excessive, boring, and rude usage.)

"What A Day, What a Life, Ahhhh"

Oh, just think about how much I could be writing about! What a year. What a drain. Energy vampires around every corner. They suck me dry of the desire to write about it. I do have a desire to share this with you all though.

I know I have written about music many times here. Music is incredibly important to my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. There are several artists who speak to me that I love and adore, but London Grammar is the one band that produces the sounds that speaks about me. They are the sound I would produce if my body was a musical instrument. Want to understand how I'm feeling on the inside? There's always a London Grammar song for that. Have you seen those devices that amplify the energy that plants emit, and it sounds like ambient music? Well, London Grammar is that device for my body.

"What A Day" in particular right now.

I want to break this down for you, because I think this is a great way to explain what I feel like most of the time.

It starts with Hannah's higher head voice breaking down into a low vocal fry soft scream, which she uses to state the mood. Then the slow driving beat of the piano, and her low voice slowly erupts into a type of subtle scream with her "ahhhh." Slowly the drums carry the driving beat forward while the piano sounds more erratic if you pay attention to it.

The textures of the various beats from the piano, drums, and later the guitar perfectly fit my heart beat and adrenaline. They mingle together like they're at odds with each other. They express the current that keeps flowing in my body to keep me going. Do you hear how they sound unsettled, never quite resolving into a comfortable sound? I have that type of forced drive always coursing through me. But even though the tempo is not slow, do you hear how her vocals sound slow, dissociated, and not matching the beat? How her vocals are a different current on top of the foundation? That's my inner voice. Very low energy, despite that drive below the surface, and what I express comes out as a soft wandering frantic anxiety. It takes the majority of the song before she sings an actual melody with coherent phrases, and then it's short lived before she breaks her vocals down again into the pleading soft screams. Do you hear how this song expresses the evening at the end of a long hard day, when cortisol levels should be dropping so you can wind down, but you just can't let go to actually rest? That's the state I live in 90% of the time. I'd like to see you function like a normal human being when this is your best energy level.

Fine, I'll Talk About It

Hello blog, my old friend. It's been a while.

I'm not entirely sure I even want to write this blog post, but I thought that perhaps it would help me. (Edit: It didn't. But I'm publishing since I wrote it.) 

It isn't so much the pandemic or the election. It's the way people are reacting to both. People are emitting intense energy everywhere I go: work, grocery store, online forums, online games, etc. This energy is so stimulating and taxing that it's draining my own. I'm hiding away inside myself to protect my precious little energy from the storm, while observing and analyzing the people around me. I'm taking it all in and internalizing it, not expressing myself very often. If I was healthy I'm sure I would enjoy being engaged in the debates with others. The person I used to be would have joined in the fight. The person I am now that I'm sick can't be the same as before, however, because I would fall apart rapidly. As the wisest people in my life have told me, I need to nurture myself first. All this internalizing might be causing me some unnecessary stress that I'm not fully aware of. A couple of my health care practitioners have told me my body is expressing a lot of stress and they've asked about my emotions. I think I'm subconsciously suppressing my emotions as a defense mechanism that I don't have control over right now. 

The truth is that I'm emotionally numb, which is a sign I'm not taking care of myself. I'm often acting when I am talking to people, which is frustrating me because I'm a very genuine and sincere person. There are only a few select people that I'm able to be totally myself with, and it's a huge relief to be in their presence, but even then I'm more comfortable just listening to them (thankfully a couple of them are my co-workers!) I'm going to have to dig far to pull the emotions out of myself. I've been living one moment at a time. I'm following the news, I'm reading the facts, and I'm listening to what people around me are saying. I know what's going on around me. I'm just not reacting to it, and that's not healthy. I know it. So... am I ready to react here, to this blog? I feel like I'm acting just writing this. I'm so dissociated. 

*Deep breath*

I feel like every camp or ideology I've been aligned with is getting turned upside down and shaken out. I don't recognize the political parties anymore, and I've struggled to find my values in any candidate. I'm Roman Catholic and agree with many liberal values, but I'm not like Joe Biden. I have often voted Republican, but there haven't been any Republican candidates worth voting for (except for my governor, and he's disappointed me in the past couple of months.) I don't feel represented. I'm happy Trump will no longer be president, but I'm not happy with his replacement. If I explore my feelings on the election, I find myself just compromising. "Well Sarah, at least he'll take Covid seriously and that's really important. He'll protect our National Parks, I hope. He'll listen to scientists about our crazy tap water crisis. He has potential to do good." If Trump had won I would have made compromises too. But the more I dig for my feelings, the less I care. It's just not worth my precious little energy. I am very passionate about my concerns, and the president isn't going to affect my ability to advocate for what's right. I can do good and right things in my little corner of the universe. I can focus on what I have control over. I voted. I had my say. I was really quick to accept the outcome and move forward. Time to refocus on my actual life. 

What I'm really struggling with politically isn't the presidential election at all. Again, it's how people are reacting to it. I've been watching people act as if we're all going to hell or getting saved from hell. It's so incredibly extreme. When I see Trump flags, hats, and t-shirts I feel overwhelmed. When I see people celebrating that Trump is not going to be president anymore, I zone out. So why can't I just ignore it? Because people keep attempting to engage with me in aggressive ways. I wouldn't mind a civil discourse when I'm not at work and feeling decent, but my experience here in North Dakota has been overwhelmingly hostile (not physically violent, but verbally pushy.) I have had several of my customers preach to me about how Trump is some sort of Messiah figure for the world. What triggers them to preach to me? Me wearing a mask or sanitizing. They started out by telling me their opinions on Covid, which, after some time and a whole lot of words, led to statements such as, "So you better have voted for Trump!" Each time I just shut down. I felt myself just go black inside, going still and quiet. I'm happy to work and sell them what they need, but it's completely uncalled for to lecture me about political preferences for doing my job. No one has been this aggressive with me about voting for Biden. It's only Trump supporters. 

Politics are so intertwined with Covid that it's impossible to separate the two anymore. My observation is that Trump supporters have been rallied and trained to fight. They're soldiers in the Trump army. I hear so many of them preach about media misinformation, quack scientists, liberal propaganda, and socialism. Maybe there's some truth in some of it, but I don't respond to the aggression they use to preach about it. They don't want their freedoms taken away, so they join a movement in which they all follow this Messiah figure as their leader. This Trump Messiah guy tells them masks are harmful, Covid is not a problem, and it's okay that people are dying. So they fight like soldiers in his army and fight against any Covid mitigation strategy. Instead of rising to the occasion of managing a world-wide crisis in the USA, they decide to belittle anyone who wants to.

Yesterday a regular customer of mine, someone who loves to tell me how sweet I am and always wanted a hug, yelled at me. Our governor implemented a state wide mask mandate at 10 pm the night before, and we were asked to kindly and gently enforce it with our customers. We asked her if she would please wear a mask, and she said no and kept walking into the store. She then yelled at us, me specifically at points, about how we have bought into the mask propaganda and were not only wrong, we're dangerous. I said several times, "It's state mandate now, we're doing what we're told, we want to keep our business open, we don't want to get fined..." and I was only met with very hostile verbal attacks in return. No problem solving, just accusing us happily of doing our jobs well.

*Big sigh* You know, 95% of my customers yesterday were really good about wearing masks. They didn't complain. They knew it was necessary, so they wore it and shopped normally. They're awesome. They help life go on as normally as possible while showing respect for each other. But the rest...

What happened? What caused people to be so verbally aggressive towards each other? How is it that Trump harnessed this rage in people and formed them into soldiers? I'm not saying Liberals are without problems too - oh I certainly have had my fair share of issues with them too. But since Covid began it's really only been Trump supporters that have been harassing me about Covid. So guess what? They're the #1 reason I did not vote for Trump. I didn't vote for Biden either, but that's not the point here and requires some explanation about my morals and how I live in North Dakota and my non-Trump vote doesn't matter one bit. I don't respond well to manipulation, aggression, and harassment. Maybe I even like some of what Trump has done for the USA! It doesn't matter. I will not tolerate a leader of an army of people who threaten my safety. 

My mind is blown. I think I might be in some level of shock. I really genuinely do not understand why it's such a problem to simply just wear a mask properly in public places. I understand there are some side effects for deaf people, certain people with breathing troubles, people who have been raped and muzzled, etc. Of course we can accommodate these people safely while everyone else wears a mask. The masks mandates are not designed to be inhumane, they're designed to save human lives. We're a creative and innovative people, right? Let's be problem solvers. Let's make sure everyone is cared for, not suppressed. 

I struggle with air hunger from time to time. My respiration rate averages around 17-18, which is on the high side. I've never had a problem with a mask suffocating me. Maybe it's because I've taken the time to find the right masks for me. I've experimented until I found ones that fit properly, don't move too much when I talk, and are breathable. Maybe other people buy any mask available and it doesn't fit them well and so their breaths are stifled. Maybe. That's not an excuse. You have to buy clothes in your size if you want to wear them, right? Find a mask that fits you if you want to wear it. 

Is it so important to be right that you're willing to risk harming other people? Really? You'd rather not wear a mask and possibly be the reason someone gets infected and dies? You're honestly willing to take that chance? You're so sure you're right that you're willing to yell at other people, an action which spreads Covid most easily? Do you really want to kill or die for this this cause? Is it really worth it? Seriously, stop thinking about the unscientific claim that 99.98% of Covid patients survive. Millions have died. Are you honestly okay with being the reason one single person has died from Covid? You're seriously willing to do something that could kill a person? All just to be free? Because you really believe you're entitled to your freedom at the cost of a fellow citizen's life? Are you at war? Can you justify your war? I challenge you to take a long hard look at your core values if you really are comfortable not wearing a mask around other people right now. And even if you are comfortable, do you have so little empathy for others that are, with very good reason, uncomfortable if you don't wear a mask? I'm not some wimpy snowflake who's afraid to die. I can put up a good fight if I need to, and death isn't what scares me. But I really don't want to get Covid, and I really don't want you to give it to me. I'm not wrong to want my freedom to be in public as safely as possible. 

Okay... I don't know if this has been good for me or not. I'm agitated. I need to shift gears:

To all of you who have been good-natured, loving, empathetic, joyful, compassionate, caring, and supportive through this Covid and Election crisis... Thank you SO MUCH! I know many people who are not convinced masks are the right solution, but wear them without complaint anyway because they know it makes everyone around them more comfortable. I know people who have gone out of their way to create solutions for masks so they accommodate more people. I know people who have been willing to buy and deliver for high risk people. I know people who have organized supplies for people in need during this crisis. To all of you problem solvers: THANK YOU SO MUCH! Seriously, you're the reason I have hope for humanity. 

I'm so thankful for all of you making the effort to not spread Covid so that we can keep our businesses open. I don't want to shut down. I want to keep working. I want the small local health store I work for to thrive. And I really really don't want to get Covid. 

My Messiah is Jesus Christ. I believe he gave us brains to problem solve, and it's our faults if we don't use them to survive this world. 

...And now for a baking soda bath to calm down my super itchy rashes all over my body.