Covid shut me down. I coiled up inside myself and became really distant. My desire to write and share with the world totally went away. I’ve been through a lot with my health. I never actually caught covid, thank God. But managing a chronic illness during a pandemic with unstable income, a husband in grad school, and a lack of desire to leave my own head has meant I’ve not been diligent and I’ve allowed my body react how it wants to. I’ve poured any extroverted energy I have had into work, which has kept me sane. I work retail, so it’s been a little wild, but it has given me something to do in a controlled situation instead of analyzing the whole world until exhaustion.
But the best part of these last 2 years has been living through such an intense situation because it showed me what I’m made of, who I am, and why I am. I already knew my personality types, but I have developed a much deeper understanding because of how I have reacted and who I have been able to foster friendships with. That’s what I want to write about. Because I realize that my personality type has a profound impact on how I live with a chronic illness – especially chronic fatigue.
Today is the day because it’s day 3 of the 2022 Snowpocalypse. We’re in a record-breaking blizzard with no signs of an end, and I’m quite literally trapped inside my house. I cannot open any doors. The snow drifts against the garage doors might make it hard to get the snow blower out to clear a path. So if I needed to escape I might actually need to go out the window and start digging. I’m finally used to the blizzard and can stop getting lost in my feelings about the experience of it, so I can write now. Ha!
INFP 5w4
This is my Myers-Briggs type and Enneagram type.
I = Introverted
N = Intuitive
F = Feeling
P = Prospecting/ perceiving
Each time I have tested on the Enneagram, I come up as a type 5 with a very strong 4 wing. That means that, at my core, I’m a type 5, but I have strong traits from the type 4. I think I’m about equal on both types, and my core can change depending on the type of situation or environment I am in, but I am most rooted in the 5. This is not uncommon with the enneagram, as it allows for personalities to adjust depending on how healthy or unhealthy the person is.
What the pandemic did for me was deconstruct who I built myself up to be, and instead learn, accept, and appreciate qualities I have that I suppressed.
My whole life I’ve been hungry for knowledge, but not because I want to use it. I just like to understand. It’s been hard for me to learn how to apply it to anything. I would rather know than act. I would rather understand than feel. I would rather think than experience. It makes sense with my type, right? Not exactly – I was suppressing and denying my natural traits because I thought they were destructive. I thought that taking action required enough knowledge, but I never had enough to be confident enough to do. I thought that feelings were unreliable distractions that got in the way of making good decisions – I might feel strongly, but what is the reality? I thought that experiencing life was part of gaining knowledge, not connecting with my feelings. I was seriously wrong about all of this, because it meant that I treated feelings as unimportant, selfish, and even too indulgent. Who am I to be selfish and pursue what I feel? I treated my intuition as voodoo magic that wasn’t part of a healthy decision-making process. That said, I have always been finely tuned into other people’s feelings, and I’m highly empathic. I’m very compassionate about the feelings of other people, and I’ll even validate and defend their right to have their feelings. I just wouldn’t do it for myself. I can understand that this is my 5 core being distrusting of my 4 tenancies. All I was missing was someone in my life to teach me that it’s okay to be a 4 too – it's okay to feel deeply and trust my feelings. In fact, it’s a source of strength I have been dismissing.
But I met a person who is an INFJ, and we developed a strong friendship. If you’re already very familiar with the Myers Briggs types, then you might be smiling and laughing at this. INFJs are essentially INFP (me) that can live in reality and take action. They are known as “Advocates” because they are excellent at reading people and giving advice. They are the rarest personality type of all, so it’s not that common to meet one, even less so a healthy INFJ who understands how to thrive as this type. But I met this person online, and our conversations were immediately very deep. And we’ve been talking for years. This person challenged me to listen to my feelings. This person taught me to be empathic with myself, instead of just so empathic with everyone else. This person really listens to me. I’ve never been listened to by anyone else on this level. So I talked and shared until I realized that I am a person with a whole universe inside of me that is packed full of deep feelings. My feelings are valid. My feelings are an important part of me. And they definitely deserve to shape who I am. This person changed my perspective and opened me up to being a much healthier version of me. And that’s not easy for anyone to do – I'm usually very open to listening to who other people are, but I keep myself guarded. I like to grow on my own terms, not because someone else tells me how.
When I began to talk about my feelings as something meaningful and important, I discovered how deeply authentic I am. I have always been an open book to anyone who cares to listen, but I cared more about being validated than understood. I didn’t need to be understood, I needed to know I was making good decisions or that my reactions were correct. I have a strong moral compass that guides me, but I am definitely a free spirit that I have been trying to control. It’s a duality that can work in my favor if I let it. If I respect my feelings, they lead me where I need to be without breaking my morals. It’s scary, because I need control based on a lot of knowledge, but my feelings are not working against me. They’re actually important information I need so I can steer this ship through life. I used to believe I am not my feelings. But I only said that because I thought feelings lead to immorality. That might be true for someone without a moral compass, but why didn’t I trust myself enough to listen to my feelings instead of just acknowledge them?
I have always been distrustful of people who act out too much on their feelings. These people tend to call themself “spiritual”... what does that even mean? What spirit are they being guided by? Don’t they guard their souls from bad influences? If they’re so free to follow their feelings, aren’t they running blind? Do they even know who they are or are they just a spouge for mystic energy? It’s these people who have made me distrustful of listening to feelings. I have seen many people like this struggle to take care of themselves, end up in bad relationships, get abused, struggle to keep stable jobs, etc. But I’m starting to understand better. They tapped into something real and beautiful, but they didn’t always try to understand how to use it to build solid lives. They were easily lost in the beauty of feeling the universe and all the gifts it offers. And in many cases, they never found meaning in it. Just beauty. And meaning is the most important to me – that's why I believe very firmly in God.
I’ve met a lot of people over the years who have talked to me about energy healing through crystals, pendulums, and other tools. They’re sensitive to the vibrations in these objects, and use the vibrations to improve their own energy. I was raised to believe this kind of practice is a type of “spiritualism” that makes people open to demons. I didn’t try to understand it – in fact, I avoided it. I didn’t see any way it would help me anyway, because I believed I was in control of myself and my own energy. I’ve also been deconstructing this. I’m more sure than ever that this “openness” to the universe definitely does lead people to demons, but I also see the same beauty that they are attracted to. I feel the vibrations. I never wanted to admit it before, because I thought it was against my religion. I’m realizing it actually is not. It’s part of creation, and these vibes do carry important messages. It’s not wrong to listen. My strong moral compass is critically important for me to navigate it while gaining from it.
I when I started acupuncture nearly a decade ago I was given the opportunity to learn about energy through a scientific practice. I understood that acupuncture worked by directing qi (energy.) It is an energy healing practice. And it works wonders for me. But I kept growing stagnant and needed more treatments – I wasn’t really listening to my feelings to understand my qi. I was letting it do something beneficial to me, but I wasn’t helping to control the process. Until I dug in deeper to try and understand how energy healing works. Traditional Chinese Medicine offers a lot of profound and logical explanations. Reading how qi was defined, what its purpose is, and how we rely on it gave me the epiphany I needed. The world was created with this circulatory system of energy, and if I’m not part of it, my circulation will be cut off. Feeling the energy of other people. Gaining energy from nature. Having my energy stolen from the artificial. It all makes sense. This circulatory system of energy is very beautiful, and absolutely essential for all life on this planet. It’s not undefined “spiritualism,” it’s not a religion, it’s just harmony with creation. It’s important to be in harmony with creation if we want to be healthy, grow spiritually, and make meaningful connections with other people and ourselves.
Now that I understand this, I understand what my feelings are telling me. They’re not selfish indulgences. My feelings are built from my core nature and designed to keep me in harmony with creation. The purpose of my feelings is to keep me authentic. They prevent me from taking the wrong path, no matter how logical, and they guide me to what I love most. I’m not smart enough to live life without listening to my feelings. I understand that now. And I take it very seriously now. The straight and narrow path to God isn’t about ignoring my human nature, it’s about tuning my nature into Him.
I would have made an excellent Gnostic back on the day, but I would always have been miserable. And I would have justified the misery for a higher purpose. But now I understand it’s not serving me and it’s not leading me to God.
I met someone else. Someone who is trained in Traditional Chinese Medicine. This person has been a huge inspiration to me and has helped me understand my own energy much better. He’s taught me some Chi Gung, but I have a very long way to go. I’ve always been very introverted, aware of myself, and connected to how I feel. He’s been teaching me how to listen to my body to understand, not just listen to react. He says he can teach me to take control of my own energy. It’s a path I want to go down because I’m tired of seeking helping from doctors and healers. I gained a lot of answers. I’m really grateful to all of them. My life is only moving forward because of them. But if I can learn to take control of my health, I’ll be as self-reliant as I want to be. It’s been wonderful to have all the tools my doctors have given me. I’ve been able to follow a strict lifestyle so I can be less reactive and more proactive. I’ve been able to stay in some amount of control. But it’s so many rules to follow, and I’m very good with rules. And I finally admitted that I have a free spirit in me that wants to live. Really live. Experience. Feel. Feel very deeply. But I need to learn more control over my energy to let that free spirit live. And these Chinese practices make a lot of sense to me. It all fits.
I’ll bring this back to the topic of chronic fatigue.
I think I survive chronic fatigue too easily. I’m a natural at it. I don’t enjoy it. I get very frustrated that I swim in my dreams inside my head day and night with no end, only to discover my life doesn’t move forward. But I have the ability to survive it because I’m too good at living inside myself. I don’t get bored because I live in a universe of my own creation. But I get really sad, because I want to physically be present in the actual real universe. Physical touch is my love language – and not just with people. I want to touch everything in nature. I’m not ashamed to hug a tree! I really don’t want to be alone, even though I’m very good at it. I crave connection with people who don’t drain me, but I’m easily drained. I have to be really selective about who I give energy to. I want to be an influence on the world though. I want to leave my mark. I want to leave other people feeling better for having known me. Part of me knows that I can do that by just being loving, so I can rest easily knowing that my love is going out into the world. But another part of me says it’s not enough, and so I learn to organize my limited energy so I can actually live in reality, sometimes, and accomplish something meaningful.
I read about other people with chronic fatigue who get very angry. I understand it, but I don’t relate. I think most personality types would be hindered by chronic fatigue a lot more than my personality type. People who are driven to accomplish, people who have talents waiting to be developed, people who need to be needed, extroverts who need a lot of friends, etc. I can understand how much this condition can hurt them. It just makes me sad. I accept it easily, but I’m sad. Because I'm scared to death of not experiencing life. I don’t want to grow old feeling like I never got the chance to live for myself. And I've learned it’s not selfish to think that way. This is MY life. It’s the only one I'll ever have. I can’t give it away to other people. I can’t give it away to an illness. I might be very capable of living some life with chronic fatigue, but it definitely is a giant road block to my happiness. It’s very hard for me, an INFP, to learn to develop a healthy personality when I don’t have the energy to leave my head. And I really desire to thrive as this personality type. I love who I am. I want to stop feeling curious about who I would be with the energy to go out and live. I want to actually do it. But... years and years go by of living in my head. Without taking much action. I refuse to be bedridden, so I’ll do whatever is in my power to be as healthy as I can be. But I’m sad if my life is only spent following rules so I’m not stuck in bed all the time.
I had many many more points. But I’m emotionally exhausted now. More later. 😊
But the best part of these last 2 years has been living through such an intense situation because it showed me what I’m made of, who I am, and why I am. I already knew my personality types, but I have developed a much deeper understanding because of how I have reacted and who I have been able to foster friendships with. That’s what I want to write about. Because I realize that my personality type has a profound impact on how I live with a chronic illness – especially chronic fatigue.
Today is the day because it’s day 3 of the 2022 Snowpocalypse. We’re in a record-breaking blizzard with no signs of an end, and I’m quite literally trapped inside my house. I cannot open any doors. The snow drifts against the garage doors might make it hard to get the snow blower out to clear a path. So if I needed to escape I might actually need to go out the window and start digging. I’m finally used to the blizzard and can stop getting lost in my feelings about the experience of it, so I can write now. Ha!
INFP 5w4
This is my Myers-Briggs type and Enneagram type.
I = Introverted
N = Intuitive
F = Feeling
P = Prospecting/ perceiving
INFP are called “Mediators.”Introduction | Mediator (INFP) Personality | 16Personalities
Although they may seem quiet or unassuming, Mediators (INFPs) have vibrant, passionate inner lives. Creative and imaginative, they happily lose themselves in daydreams, inventing all sorts of stories and conversations in their minds. These personalities are known for their sensitivity – Mediators can have profound emotional responses to music, art, nature, and the people around them.
Idealistic and empathetic, Mediators long for deep, soulful relationships, and they feel called to help others. But because this personality type makes up such a small portion of the population, Mediators may sometimes feel lonely or invisible, adrift in a world that doesn’t seem to appreciate the traits that make them unique.
Each time I have tested on the Enneagram, I come up as a type 5 with a very strong 4 wing. That means that, at my core, I’m a type 5, but I have strong traits from the type 4. I think I’m about equal on both types, and my core can change depending on the type of situation or environment I am in, but I am most rooted in the 5. This is not uncommon with the enneagram, as it allows for personalities to adjust depending on how healthy or unhealthy the person is.
“5w4 Traits5w4 | A Helpful Explanation for Enneagram Type 5 Wing 4 (enneagramgift.com)
Type fives with the fourth wing are a part of the Head Triad, so they are motivated by their thoughts when making decisions, and if lacking awareness can allow fear to overwhelm them. A five with a four wing desires to be helpful using their knowledge and fears being inadequate. Also known as ‘the Philosopher,’ they spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of the universe and studying the purpose of life.
5w4 Behaviors
Those who identify with 5w4 are curious and thoughtful on the five’s side and are creative and eccentric from the four’s side. Enneagram fives are generally so focused and devoted to gaining knowledge that they often will ignore their feelings. Still, with a four’s guidance, they can recognize and process them. They often focus their studies on unconventional topics.”
What the pandemic did for me was deconstruct who I built myself up to be, and instead learn, accept, and appreciate qualities I have that I suppressed.
My whole life I’ve been hungry for knowledge, but not because I want to use it. I just like to understand. It’s been hard for me to learn how to apply it to anything. I would rather know than act. I would rather understand than feel. I would rather think than experience. It makes sense with my type, right? Not exactly – I was suppressing and denying my natural traits because I thought they were destructive. I thought that taking action required enough knowledge, but I never had enough to be confident enough to do. I thought that feelings were unreliable distractions that got in the way of making good decisions – I might feel strongly, but what is the reality? I thought that experiencing life was part of gaining knowledge, not connecting with my feelings. I was seriously wrong about all of this, because it meant that I treated feelings as unimportant, selfish, and even too indulgent. Who am I to be selfish and pursue what I feel? I treated my intuition as voodoo magic that wasn’t part of a healthy decision-making process. That said, I have always been finely tuned into other people’s feelings, and I’m highly empathic. I’m very compassionate about the feelings of other people, and I’ll even validate and defend their right to have their feelings. I just wouldn’t do it for myself. I can understand that this is my 5 core being distrusting of my 4 tenancies. All I was missing was someone in my life to teach me that it’s okay to be a 4 too – it's okay to feel deeply and trust my feelings. In fact, it’s a source of strength I have been dismissing.
But I met a person who is an INFJ, and we developed a strong friendship. If you’re already very familiar with the Myers Briggs types, then you might be smiling and laughing at this. INFJs are essentially INFP (me) that can live in reality and take action. They are known as “Advocates” because they are excellent at reading people and giving advice. They are the rarest personality type of all, so it’s not that common to meet one, even less so a healthy INFJ who understands how to thrive as this type. But I met this person online, and our conversations were immediately very deep. And we’ve been talking for years. This person challenged me to listen to my feelings. This person taught me to be empathic with myself, instead of just so empathic with everyone else. This person really listens to me. I’ve never been listened to by anyone else on this level. So I talked and shared until I realized that I am a person with a whole universe inside of me that is packed full of deep feelings. My feelings are valid. My feelings are an important part of me. And they definitely deserve to shape who I am. This person changed my perspective and opened me up to being a much healthier version of me. And that’s not easy for anyone to do – I'm usually very open to listening to who other people are, but I keep myself guarded. I like to grow on my own terms, not because someone else tells me how.
When I began to talk about my feelings as something meaningful and important, I discovered how deeply authentic I am. I have always been an open book to anyone who cares to listen, but I cared more about being validated than understood. I didn’t need to be understood, I needed to know I was making good decisions or that my reactions were correct. I have a strong moral compass that guides me, but I am definitely a free spirit that I have been trying to control. It’s a duality that can work in my favor if I let it. If I respect my feelings, they lead me where I need to be without breaking my morals. It’s scary, because I need control based on a lot of knowledge, but my feelings are not working against me. They’re actually important information I need so I can steer this ship through life. I used to believe I am not my feelings. But I only said that because I thought feelings lead to immorality. That might be true for someone without a moral compass, but why didn’t I trust myself enough to listen to my feelings instead of just acknowledge them?
I have always been distrustful of people who act out too much on their feelings. These people tend to call themself “spiritual”... what does that even mean? What spirit are they being guided by? Don’t they guard their souls from bad influences? If they’re so free to follow their feelings, aren’t they running blind? Do they even know who they are or are they just a spouge for mystic energy? It’s these people who have made me distrustful of listening to feelings. I have seen many people like this struggle to take care of themselves, end up in bad relationships, get abused, struggle to keep stable jobs, etc. But I’m starting to understand better. They tapped into something real and beautiful, but they didn’t always try to understand how to use it to build solid lives. They were easily lost in the beauty of feeling the universe and all the gifts it offers. And in many cases, they never found meaning in it. Just beauty. And meaning is the most important to me – that's why I believe very firmly in God.
I’ve met a lot of people over the years who have talked to me about energy healing through crystals, pendulums, and other tools. They’re sensitive to the vibrations in these objects, and use the vibrations to improve their own energy. I was raised to believe this kind of practice is a type of “spiritualism” that makes people open to demons. I didn’t try to understand it – in fact, I avoided it. I didn’t see any way it would help me anyway, because I believed I was in control of myself and my own energy. I’ve also been deconstructing this. I’m more sure than ever that this “openness” to the universe definitely does lead people to demons, but I also see the same beauty that they are attracted to. I feel the vibrations. I never wanted to admit it before, because I thought it was against my religion. I’m realizing it actually is not. It’s part of creation, and these vibes do carry important messages. It’s not wrong to listen. My strong moral compass is critically important for me to navigate it while gaining from it.
I when I started acupuncture nearly a decade ago I was given the opportunity to learn about energy through a scientific practice. I understood that acupuncture worked by directing qi (energy.) It is an energy healing practice. And it works wonders for me. But I kept growing stagnant and needed more treatments – I wasn’t really listening to my feelings to understand my qi. I was letting it do something beneficial to me, but I wasn’t helping to control the process. Until I dug in deeper to try and understand how energy healing works. Traditional Chinese Medicine offers a lot of profound and logical explanations. Reading how qi was defined, what its purpose is, and how we rely on it gave me the epiphany I needed. The world was created with this circulatory system of energy, and if I’m not part of it, my circulation will be cut off. Feeling the energy of other people. Gaining energy from nature. Having my energy stolen from the artificial. It all makes sense. This circulatory system of energy is very beautiful, and absolutely essential for all life on this planet. It’s not undefined “spiritualism,” it’s not a religion, it’s just harmony with creation. It’s important to be in harmony with creation if we want to be healthy, grow spiritually, and make meaningful connections with other people and ourselves.
Now that I understand this, I understand what my feelings are telling me. They’re not selfish indulgences. My feelings are built from my core nature and designed to keep me in harmony with creation. The purpose of my feelings is to keep me authentic. They prevent me from taking the wrong path, no matter how logical, and they guide me to what I love most. I’m not smart enough to live life without listening to my feelings. I understand that now. And I take it very seriously now. The straight and narrow path to God isn’t about ignoring my human nature, it’s about tuning my nature into Him.
I would have made an excellent Gnostic back on the day, but I would always have been miserable. And I would have justified the misery for a higher purpose. But now I understand it’s not serving me and it’s not leading me to God.
I met someone else. Someone who is trained in Traditional Chinese Medicine. This person has been a huge inspiration to me and has helped me understand my own energy much better. He’s taught me some Chi Gung, but I have a very long way to go. I’ve always been very introverted, aware of myself, and connected to how I feel. He’s been teaching me how to listen to my body to understand, not just listen to react. He says he can teach me to take control of my own energy. It’s a path I want to go down because I’m tired of seeking helping from doctors and healers. I gained a lot of answers. I’m really grateful to all of them. My life is only moving forward because of them. But if I can learn to take control of my health, I’ll be as self-reliant as I want to be. It’s been wonderful to have all the tools my doctors have given me. I’ve been able to follow a strict lifestyle so I can be less reactive and more proactive. I’ve been able to stay in some amount of control. But it’s so many rules to follow, and I’m very good with rules. And I finally admitted that I have a free spirit in me that wants to live. Really live. Experience. Feel. Feel very deeply. But I need to learn more control over my energy to let that free spirit live. And these Chinese practices make a lot of sense to me. It all fits.
I’ll bring this back to the topic of chronic fatigue.
I think I survive chronic fatigue too easily. I’m a natural at it. I don’t enjoy it. I get very frustrated that I swim in my dreams inside my head day and night with no end, only to discover my life doesn’t move forward. But I have the ability to survive it because I’m too good at living inside myself. I don’t get bored because I live in a universe of my own creation. But I get really sad, because I want to physically be present in the actual real universe. Physical touch is my love language – and not just with people. I want to touch everything in nature. I’m not ashamed to hug a tree! I really don’t want to be alone, even though I’m very good at it. I crave connection with people who don’t drain me, but I’m easily drained. I have to be really selective about who I give energy to. I want to be an influence on the world though. I want to leave my mark. I want to leave other people feeling better for having known me. Part of me knows that I can do that by just being loving, so I can rest easily knowing that my love is going out into the world. But another part of me says it’s not enough, and so I learn to organize my limited energy so I can actually live in reality, sometimes, and accomplish something meaningful.
I read about other people with chronic fatigue who get very angry. I understand it, but I don’t relate. I think most personality types would be hindered by chronic fatigue a lot more than my personality type. People who are driven to accomplish, people who have talents waiting to be developed, people who need to be needed, extroverts who need a lot of friends, etc. I can understand how much this condition can hurt them. It just makes me sad. I accept it easily, but I’m sad. Because I'm scared to death of not experiencing life. I don’t want to grow old feeling like I never got the chance to live for myself. And I've learned it’s not selfish to think that way. This is MY life. It’s the only one I'll ever have. I can’t give it away to other people. I can’t give it away to an illness. I might be very capable of living some life with chronic fatigue, but it definitely is a giant road block to my happiness. It’s very hard for me, an INFP, to learn to develop a healthy personality when I don’t have the energy to leave my head. And I really desire to thrive as this personality type. I love who I am. I want to stop feeling curious about who I would be with the energy to go out and live. I want to actually do it. But... years and years go by of living in my head. Without taking much action. I refuse to be bedridden, so I’ll do whatever is in my power to be as healthy as I can be. But I’m sad if my life is only spent following rules so I’m not stuck in bed all the time.
I had many many more points. But I’m emotionally exhausted now. More later. 😊
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