This Is The End of This Chapter In My Life: I Must Move Again

Nearly 500 layoffs pending as Limestone University on brink of shutdown

Earlier this week I wrote a post about how uncertain my future is. The very next day my husband lost his job because the university he teaches at will be closing. We thought maybe a department or two would close. No, the entire university is closing. They announced this with a sliver of hope, saying if they raise $6 million by Tuesday they can save it. They said may be able to continue as an online-only school. They said this, but they also sent an email terminating all employees and another to help students transfer to other universities. 

This is not surprising because the school was in bad condition, and we had too many signs that it was failing. We were starting to believe that he might get to work there one more year, however, because this announcement is coming at the end of the school year, after all the student transfer deadlines. The jobs at other universities have already been filled for next year. It's too late for anyone to plan. The university claimed they made the announcement this late because they were hopeful that a significant donation was coming to them, but the donation fell through and they will not receive it. That's fine, but they should have been transparent. They should have been giving the state of the university throughout the whole year. They were dead silent. In fact, they even hired a professor a few months ago, who moved here and bought a house that she won't get to live in now. It's unconscionable, disrespectful, and morally corrupt of them to treat all their faculty, staff, and students this way. 

This means that my husband is scrambling to find a job. He has been applying for new jobs all year long, and even had interviews that were very promising. The trouble is that universities across the nation are closing in very high numbers, so the amount of professors and graduates applying for the same jobs is staggering. He's competing against 200+ applicants for any low-paying job that pops up. Higher education is falling apart rapidly. Between the demographic cliff (too few 18 year olds because our birth rate has plummeted), the extreme high cost of education, and very low salaries... higher education isn't an attractive option anymore. It's actually a very risky option, because there is no guarantee that a degree will help anyone earn enough money to pay off the cost of the degree and keep a roof over their head at the same time.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/the-decline-of-the-college-educated-american-man/ar-AA1yUqcI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=U531&cvid=ad27872cfce64626892ef3954d422e2a&ei=31

So this leaves me in quite the dilemma: Should I stay or should I go?

My husband has a couple of job opportunities he could take, but they don't pay well enough to support us both. They both require moving to cities nearby where rent is quite a bit more expensive. My disability and part-time job income will not help enough. He has his doctorate, he qualifies for jobs that require it, but they don't pay enough to cover basic living expenses. If I join him wherever he goes, I think we'll have to rent a very small and cheap apartment that won't allow my pet birds or even have room to keep half of what we own. There are many problems with a cheap apartment for my health: I can't use shared laundry machines, the smell of other people's fragrances will drift into the apartment and make me sick, I would have to live in noise-canceling headphones, they tend to be moldy and don't get proper repairs, and so on... am I entitled? I don't know, but I do know that my health can't handle it. 

I also have the option of separating from him by moving back in with my parents in their home that is safe for me. Financially, we'd both be better off. If I do this, will I ever see him again? I'll be moving 1,600 miles away. What are the odds of him landing a job that can pay the bills any time soon? You might be thinking about how he should change careers and figure this out. It's not that simple: couples can't survive anymore unless they're both making a decent salary and living frugally, and my income is less than half of his. He doesn't - didn't - make a low salary, and most career changes would not help him earn more money. He might have an easier time finding a job in a different career making the same amount of money, but he is paying for a doctorate in this career field. 

My God... where is the humanity? What happened to our nation? This is a nightmare. 

Happy Easter, everyone. Easter is the ultimate message of hope. Easter is the reminder of why we're living. Easter is the reason to keep fighting and moving forward in this screwed up society that doesn't value human lives. Easter is the meaning of life. 


I think this song is relevant... yes, it's about dating, but isn't job hunting dating too? I view it like jobs are looking for the perfect workers and looking for perfect people to apply. They expect people who are not humans to fulfil their insane and inhumane demands. How bad do they want employees? And will any employer pay enough to live off of, but also hire someone less than perfect? 

You can't convince me that the USA isn't heading towards a major depression if we can't solve this. Wages MUST go up and rent MUST come down. If not, we're all going to be homeless soon. How bad does this country want us to be successful? 

As for me, myself, and I... well... I'm lucky to have family who loves me and can help me. I'm lucky to have as much health as I do have, considering I was completely bed ridden at one point in my life. I just want to surround myself with people who can still find the beauty in being alive so we can somehow survive this nightmare. If it's societal collapse, I just want to be with people who love me. If it's the apocalypse, then all I can say is that it's about time. Good riddance. We've trashed this planet, we've trashed society, we've trashed the ability to have a future... I will do my part to try to save this planet and be able to have a future, but if it all collapses, so be it. I'm exhausted. I want to live a life in which it's actually possible to be in love, raise children, and be part of a healthy and functional society. But as it is right now, there's no time or room left for building a loving relationship. Every moment of our lives is pure stress about how to financially survive. 

Stress has kept me from writing

I'm here for a quick update. I realized that the last post I made was about having Covid for the first time, then nothing since. The short answer is that I'm not any worse from Covid, but it took me over a month to get back to my level of normal. It's possible it did mess me up a little, but it's a little difficult to know at this time because stress is my main issue at this point. Since then I have been having stronger allergy symptoms and I got RSV. RSV lasted about month too... I've been sick a lot more often since moving here...

My stress level is so high every day due to issues I can't talk about publicly. It's caused me to fortify myself inside my head. When I do start to talk about it I hear myself getting fearful, negative, and pessimistic quickly. I don't have the energy after work, chores, living in fear and stress, and my husband to come here to write about all the things I want to write about. I think I can't blog until I'm out of this situation and feeling safe and secure again. 

I can explain a little, I'll explain the parts that are public knowledge:

Almost 2 years ago my husband accepted a job in SC, 1600 miles away from "home" (if North Dakota is home now), where our families live. He took the job thinking it was going to finally offer stability, security, and happiness. They offered him the job, knowing how far we had to move to accept it. The short story is that the university that hired him is in a severe financial crisis, and there have been many warnings that he may not have a job next year. They have already cut positions and the salary of all faculty at the university. There have been 4 university presidents in the past 2 years.

We're renting a house that's probably the best (possibility only) deal we will find in the area, and it has mold damage. You may know that part of my story is mold toxicity, and I'm really sensitive to mold. As long as I'm living in mold, it feels kind of pointless to spend money on medical care... and South Carolina is simply just a moldy state. I was worried about that before I moved here. What I didn't expect was that people would be so used to seeing mold in buildings that they don't care to do anything about it.

We've talked about me moving back to North Dakota alone and living with my parents. It's not exactly the easiest thing to do - moving 1600 miles alone when I'm dealing with chronic illness. In almost every plan we make to do it, I have to make some major sacrifices and the expense is a lot. So I've been stalling for as long as possible. The school year is almost over, and my husband doesn't know if he'll get a contract for next year. 

There is more to the story I may talk about some time in the future, but not right now. Needless to say, I've been in survival mode. The easiest way for me to cope is by living moment by moment, taking care of my needs as they come. I enjoy the moments I can. I connect with the safe people in my life. I focus on doing things I love as often as I can afford to. I'm not going blank or numb to all this. I'm just regulating my nervous system by keeping as calm as possible.

It's tough. I'm ok right now, and I do mean that sincerely. Right now I have shelter, food, a job, internet, running water, electricity, clothes, and people who love me. It might be very different in one month from now. 2 months from now I could be living a completely different life. I have no idea. Worst case, I have the ability to fly back to North Dakota and live with my parents. Better case, I have the ability to move my things back to North Dakota too. Even better case, I can keep my pets too. Even better than that case, I win the lottery and become a millionaire and can stop stressing about simply living.

I Finally Caught Covid...

Hurricane Helene... then... Went to Washington DC, and then COVID happened... Yes, I finally caught the dreaded covid. I'm on day 12 of dealing with it right now. I'm going to skip talking about Helene in this post, but it was bad here.

Anyone who knows me knows I thought I was immune to covid, and maybe I was up until now. I never caught it during the pandemic, and I thought it was because of my blood type or genetics or something. They also know that I was afraid to catch covid because it is known to cause POTS, which I already have and I absolutely do not want to make it worse. So when I tested positive I was naturally very scared. Turns out covid has mutated enough, so if I had any naturally immunity before, covid learned how to bypass it. 

Let me back up. Why did I go to Washington DC? My husband was invited to present at a conference in West Virginia, and we decided to stay with a friend who lives in DC so that we could see DC since it was so close. This is how he is. His ambition is so strong that he doesn't expect (or he simply ignores) the reality of his plans to fulfil his ambitions. I'll say a few things about the trip to help you understand my exhaustion: 

It was supposed to be a 6.5 hour drive to DC. That's like driving from Bismarck, ND to Minneapolis, MN, which we did several times. Except that on the east coast you should always add a couple of hours to driving time due to traffic. About 8.5 hours later, after a lot of stop-and-go on the interstate and the need to exit the interstate and drive through towns to avoid crashes on the interstate, we arrived in Harper's Ferry, WV. We stayed in a great little mostly fragrance-free Airbnb. The next morning we wanted to spend 1 or 2 hours being tourists and seeing the sights of this tourist town, but what we quickly discovered was that it was impossible to park anywhere near the attractions unless we paid $20, and we were not going to be there long enough. Also, he was in his dress suit. So we drove through the town, and later a friend told us we honestly saw it all just by driving through, so I don't feel so badly. It was quaint, but just a historical village with a good view of the rivers. 

So we drove to Sheppardstown, WV and I dropped him off at the college where he was presenting. I took my licorice pills with enough green tea that I felt strong enough to go exploring a little on my own. Well, I tried to follow GPS to a park along the river and I ended up going over the bridge and into Maryland. Then I made my way back and had lunch, then went shopping downtown. It was a cute downtown with an herbal shop, a sustainable living farm store, a really cool bookstore, a natural fiber only women's clothing store, a small new apothecary that focused on soaps and salves, a fantasy figurine store... lots of really interesting places. But after all that I was tired, and it was time to go pick up the husband. The trouble was that the husband was feeling sick and not well enough to drive, so I needed to drive us most of the way to DC. He was thankfully able to finish the drive. It was supposed to be 1.5 hours, but it took us about 2. We arrived at the restaurant and met our friends, had a great meal, explored Alexandria and found grass-fed organic gelato, then went back to their place for the night. 

I was too overly stimulated from doing too much, so it was hard to sleep well. My husband slept maybe 2 hours, but he has insomnia issues. But this day was the big DC day! This was the day we needed our energy for! 

Thankfully our friend works in DC, knows how to get around, and was our tour guide. He drove us everywhere (except the two times we needed an uber) and saved us A TON of time and energy. We toured the US Capital building, went to the Library of Congress, went to the Smithsonian Natural History and American History Museums, went to the monument, went to the Cheesecake Factory, went to the Vietnam and Korean war memorials, went to the Abe Lincoln memorial, and then went to the Thomas Jefferson memorial. We arrived back at 11 pm, totally exhausted. I think my experience of this day deserves a blog post because I felt like I was on a pilgrimage and I felt really enlightened by many things I saw. The problem with this day was that I was around so many people from all over the world - the crowds of people (especially in the Natural History Museum) were so thick that it was almost intolerable because it was hard to see much through all the people. 

So you can image all the opportunities I had to catch covid, on top of being worn out and exhausted. And weak from reacting to fragrances and fumes.  

Sunday, the drive home. I woke up with a strong sore throat, but I thought it was just my ME/CFS and I was crashing. I wasn't well. I barely had the energy to load the car with my things. We went out to breakfast and I was able to eat well. I chose to drink coffee knowing I needed the push to help me survive the day. Coffee normally affects me badly because it's too strong and hurts my heart... this barely did much for me. We drove for a while and arrived at Whole Foods midway through the day. I should have been really hungry, but my stomach did not want food. I bought a super light meal of fish and force fed myself, but my throat hurt and my stomach was not happy. Okay, I still thought it's just ME/CFS. Shopping was annoying and difficult. I didn't have it in me to think through much, but we had to buy groceries to stock our fridge with. (Hurricane Helene caused a lot damage and made grocery shopping a major difficulty, so we had to shop in Charlotte the week prior and then chose to shop out-of-town again on the way home.)

We get home, and Monday and Tuesday I felt sick with a sore throat. I wasn't well, but I kept thinking it was just a sore throat and cough from ME/CFS. I went to work at my new job (this will be another new post) on Wednesday, but I wasn't ok. If it were any other job I would have called in sick, but this is a new start-up business with very very few customers so far, so I sat there for 5 hours without talking to anyone. While I was at work I started to get body aches and a fever developed. I was so uncomfortable that I realized it was worse than my normal "feeling sick with ME/CFS" crap. So after work I bought a Covid test kit. Within a few minutes the kit showed a strong line for Covid. After 15 minutes the line was even stronger. 

My symptoms were out of order. I started with the sore throat and cough for 3 days, then developed the body aches and fever (stayed around 100.5, didn't get hotter) for 2 days, then I finally developed the congestion and "head cold" stage which has lasted 7 days so far. I'm still sick right now, but it's just manageable congestion now. I wasn't able to sleep without taking this (it's a clean version of Nyquil made by Genexa) because otherwise it wasn't possible to breathe and my coughing wouldn't stop.  I lost my sense of smell and taste, but not completely. I could taste 20-30% of anything I ate, and mainly just the bitter parts. I had a burger patty and I could only detect the texture of it, I really couldn't taste it. I had horseradish to try and drain my sinuses, and I could feel the heat but I couldn't taste it. I haven't really experienced that before, so it was alarming. 

Covid wasn't as intense as other illnesses I had (H1N1 that caused my POTS is still the worst I've had), but one thing it did do to me that I have not experienced from other illnesses was keep my heart rate up over 100 bpm for 3 days straight. Even at night, my heart rate remained high. My Fitbit and Oura Ring were both giving me a lot of warnings of tachycardia while at rest. This was abnormal for me, even with POTS. I'm used to my HR going down to the 80's while I'm resting, or even crashing low into 50's when I put my feet up. When I'm on my feet I'm usually above 100, yes, but not at rest. So this showed me how hard my body was working to fight Covid, and it does give me some concern. 

My high heart rate was why I wanted to see a doctor for a saline IV. The problem was, Hurricane Helene destroyed the plant in North Carolina that makes the IVs. So the doctors said no, the best thing I can do is drink electrolytes and stay home and rest. 

I got covid really quickly. My husband, on the other hand, didn't develop covid symptoms until 5 days after I started having symptoms. He progressed through it faster than I did. It only knocked him out for 6 days, and I'm on day 12 still with symptoms. 

It's too early to tell how covid is going to affect me long-term. I'm weak and exhausted, I still can't taste much, and I'm still symptomatic. 

Health Requires a Moral Compass to Achieve

I'll start with a recipe for relaxing sun tea:

Fill a tea sachet with equal parts lemon balm, hibiscus, and orange peel until full. 

Put it in a mason jar and fill with filtered water. 

Add allulose to taste. (Optional - sweeteners are not necessary.)

Put it in the sun for several hours. 

Drink it warm from the sun, or put it in the fridge and enjoy iced tea! 

Note: Hibiscus is a very potent flower, and it's not healthy for everyone. It lowers blood pressure and has the power to delay a period or make you bleed extra. I drink it only at the beginning of my cycles away from my periods, otherwise it does mess with my delicate hormones. I cannot drink it when my blood pressure is low, which is frequently. The issue is that I LOVE the flavor! Ha! 

Now onto the post... this one is more philosophical. 

Health is something determined by the mind, body, and soul all working together in unison. If the mind isn't healthy, the soul will be stunted, and the body will not be able to thrive. If the body is not healthy, the soul will ache for the ability to use the body to grow, and the mind will be stunted and held back by physical limitations. If the soul isn't healthy, the mind and body will not find meaning in existence and will stunt the growth of both. All three want to grow in unison. If the mind isn't healthy, the body and soul will strive to get the mind back on track. If the body isn't healthy, the mind and soul pour all their energy into regaining physical health. If the soul isn't healthy, the mind and body both ache and strive for meaning and purpose to feed the soul back to health. 

This is why health is not determined only by things such as your blood pressure, psych eval, or if you go to church. But it is why finding a community that brings your soul peace can lower your blood pressure and encourage a better mental attitude. 

This is why health starts with a good upbringing in a stable family, receiving a quality education, having the opportunity to learn and practice skills, and being loved unconditionally. 

This is why relationships in adulthood either grow our health or poison our health. If you choose a partner that grows with you in love and purpose, your mind, body, and soul all have the fuel they need to be healthy. If you choose a partner that always questions you, discourages you, takes from you instead of giving to you, and abuses your love or commitment then your mind, body, and soul stay stagnate and cannot grow. Health cannot be stagnated, because it must stay in motion along with the process of aging. 

This is why it's necessary to learn how to maintain our health. We must learn the skills of love, empathy, emotional intelligence, spiritual servitude to all of creation, and integrity in order to live a healthy life and inspire health in others. We must learn to be physically active in creation in order to fulfil our purpose and create the connection to creation that our souls rely on. Our bodies need food, sun, water, and fresh air to be healthy. Our minds will wander without direction unless we are connected to healthy communities of people and living in harmony with creation. 

We cannot be individuals. Not really. We own our minds, bodies, and souls, yes. We own our choices, yes. But our existence depends on each other, and our health is determined by each other. If you own land, you impact the health of the surrounding land other people live on. If you drive a car, you impact the air other people breathe in. If you eat food, you poop it out and that impacts the soil or waterways (for better or worse, ha!) If you lose weight, it evaporates into the air other people breathe. You really cannot fully isolate yourself from others, and your actions have an impact on everyone else. 

That's why there are always ripple effects from your choices. Make the ripple a good vibration that helps others live their best lives too. 

This is why we build strong moral compasses: we recognize the impact of our actions on other people, and in turn how our actions affect our own health. 

Life is difficult. It really is. None of this is easy. It's really difficult to live in harmony with ourselves, others, and all of creation. We develop ambitions that blind us to the needs of others. We don't grow past childhood, when all that mattered was living to be happy and carefree. We hold onto anger against people who caused injustice, and we confuse passion for retaliation with that spiritual purpose we all need for healthy growth. We learn not to trust each other, so we close ourselves off to the connection with others that helps our souls to grow. We learn to focus on meeting our own needs to survive, meaning we never develop the skill of love for others, meaning we fail our relationships, and in turn fail our children. Our children are not born into environments where they learn what it means to be healthy, nor given the skills to achieve health in the mind, body, and soul. Life is very very difficult. 

What I see in our current post-modern civilization is a globalized world led by people who learned how to achieve ambitions, but have not learned the skills needed to be a loving and connected person. How can our leaders be mentally or spiritual healthy when they lost sight of how to connect with others? How can a person in poor mental and spiritual health led others?

I believe this is why we have so many broken families. I believe this is why we created an economy that relies on every individual person working full-time, instead of focusing on building families that raise our children. I believe this is why we created a society that has no problem with slave labor, keeping people in poverty, and feeding everyone very low-quality unhealthy food. As a result, the birth rate is plummeting. The health of people, especially those in the USA, is dramatically plummeting. Haven't we learned that humans only thrive in communities? If we don't take care of each other and instead we continue to exploit each other, then we're not going to be able to maintain the civilization we built because there won't be enough humans left to do it. 

But it's not easy. It's not something we can simply fix. 

The most powerful thing you can do to help restore the health of fellow humans is to be healthy yourself. Make a commitment to your own health. Start with the foundation: love your family by always encouraging the best for them, choose healthy foods and time in nature for your own body, and stop losing your mind to all the distractions that don't help it grow. Be the change you want to see the in the world. Humans thrive on community, but it takes healthy individuals to create community. 

I know, without a doubt, that my physical illnesses are impacted by the people I choose to invest in. Yes, I get tired and need to rest after laughing with people I love, but it feeds my soul and I feel at peace while I recover. When I'm instead drained by poor interactions, such as arguments or listening to complaints from unhealthy people, I have to protect my mind and soul from the corruption while I recover, which leaves me more tired and takes me longer to recover from. When I feel attacked and disrespected, I feel myself growing very icy cold, my fingers and toes get numb, my throat grows hoarse, my vision blurs and I get tunnel vision (literally in my sight, not in my thoughts), my teeth clench and it's very hard to open them to speak, my gut gives me really sharp pains, and more. All my physical health issues intensify, and then I have to recover for a long time from that. This is why I'm extremely careful about who I choose to spend time with. This is why I give my energy to people really carefully. But when I'm with my people and I'm feeling connected and happy, it's so much easier to endure my chronic illnesses. Seriously, it's really incredible. 

We have to love each other. We have to develop moral compasses. We have to make choices that only feed the health of all of creation. We have to learn about each other and how nature works. We have to make educated choices to make moral choices. If we don't collectively do this as a society, we're going to fail each other. 

I know I'm guilty of complaining a lot based on my anger that people don't choose to be better. I have to learn how to be better, that's where I need all of you to teach me too. We all have to be the change we want to see in the world. We have to put out the vibrations other people need to grow on, because we're going to vibrate simply just by existing. Choose healthy growth for everyone over preventing others from healthy growth to feed your own ambition or emotions. 

I really love people, and it really hurts me to see people ruin each other because they don't know how to be healthy. I don't want to live behind a bubble to protect myself. I want to be a part of this world reclaiming health, love, families, and true joy from the connection with creation. 

Now I'm quite tired, but I'm going to go sit in my sauna because I feel my blood stagnating too much. Then I'll relax and recover for the rest of the day. 

Inhaler - If You're Gonna Break My Heart 

(This is Bono's son, Eli Hewson. This is his band. He looks like Bono and occasionally sounds really similar to Bono. This brings me a lot of joy, haha.) 

We woke up faded

From the shape of the night

Couldn't find the words

Couldn't find the light

We got caught in the tide

And the shore was on the other side

There's no other way around up or down

When the sun shines on my insides

If you're gonna break my heart

Smash it to pieces

'Cause I'm not gonna need it

As much as I do right now

Right now, ooh

I showed you mercy

You gave me murder

I got your ten tonne monkey

Jumpin' up on my back

We got caught in the ride

Of bein' young and alive

There's no other way around up or down

But some nights, yeah, that's alright

If you're gonna break my heart

Smash it to pieces

'Cause I'm not gonna need it

As much as I do right now

Say what you're gonna say anyway

Nothing really means as much as you do

I should be on my way but I can't help

Waitin' for you

One Year and 2 Months Since Moving Here Update

I have a list of things I feel are worth blogging about, but I sit down to write and I can't find the energy to pull them from my head and type them into words. I want to write about how I discovered a new food that I can eat and benefit from. I want to write about how to buy meat, especially when it's difficult to find quality meat where you live. I want to write about how the culture of your local community affects personal health, and the ripple effect that poor health has (this is a story about a stray dog.) I want to write about my new Fitbit and faucet, both of which make my life easier! I want to write about my thoughts on the movie Common Ground, the sequel to Kiss The Ground. 

The reality is that I'm feeling stuck in perpetual exhaustion. Each day I'm striving to just keep up with the emotional turmoil in my head, the physical demands of my weak body, and the chores around the house. I feel like I'm constantly waiting, so I can't start a project or do anything because I just have to wait, but what am I waiting for? I have no idea. The problem is, when I'm doing things, I feel like I have to rush and do them as fast as possible. I'm sure my adrenals are shot again. I think it would help to have a job so I could have some sort of routine or rhythm in my life to help me pace. Searching for a job has been a nightmare here - my options are all physically demanding for very low pay. I've been applying for jobs, but I've never been invited for an interview. Maybe it's because I'm asking for more than $9/hr and only part-time hours? There is a serious lack of part-time jobs here - the work culture here is very "all or nothing." Work-life balance? That isn't a concept here. I also think I'm judged for being from the north. There's a strong dislike of all the northerners and Californians moving in, and my accent gives me away. 

There is a war inside my head that is seriously taxing me. I have major life decision fatigue, and my inability to take action to fix my life is making me feel worthless. Half of me believes I need to snap out of this slump, pull myself together, and go work any job I can get just like other people do. The other half of me knows my health is too poor to actually do that, and it won't solve my problems because not being healthy enough to do the work will make me feel even worse about myself. This half of me keeps coming up with philosophical reasons why all people, even sick people, have value and shouldn't be expected to be worker bees when they're not able to be. This side of me keeps finding peace with my situation, but then my husband comes home from work and we talk about how tight our money is, and I start to spiral back into the guilt of not helping to earn money. I don't know how to enjoy being me if I feel like I'm not contributing, and he makes a lot of comments about how I'm not earing money. And I spiral back down the whirlpool of despair. How can I be at peace? 

I am on disability, so I am contributing. But is it enough? I do the laundry. I clean the house. I wash all the dishes every day. I run the small errands in town. I cook most dinners. I work myself to exhaustion every day just by trying to keep up with chores. But is it enough? Am I enough? Am I loveable when this is the best I can do? If I'm only loved for what I can do, then I feel like I'll always be a disappointment. I want to be loved for who I am, how I love, and how much better I make life. 

If I felt settled down, I would honestly consider starting a hobby farm with goats and chickens. I like people, but I don't meet the crazy high demands of people. I used to be able to before I got sick. It's not because I'm lazy - I used to thrive from doing physically demanding jobs for long hours. I enjoyed the work too. I miss feeling and actually being CAPABLE. Life would be so much better if I could just use my body and work! But, I have to deal with my reality: my body can't make enough energy, and I get dizzy and weak from using the energy I do make. And I'm not settled down at all. I do not expect to have a long-term situation here in South Carolina. 

I feel like these blog posts are becoming very repetitive, but my head is very repetitive. I'm stuck. I need to get broken out of this cycle of despair. 

I do have positive things to write about, I promise! I'll try. But not right now. I need to lay down. 

I hope that these blogs serve as some sort of record of how awful life is for those of us with ME/CFS. Let this help someone somewhere feel less alone... 

Product Reviews Due to Changes or Supply Issues

First, let's talk about Fitbit... No, I won't replace it since I have years of history in the app, but it's something I want everyone to understand about Fitbit, especially if you have POTS too. 

Earlier I opened my app to look at my heart rate, and I saw the bpm in real time. I can also see this on my Fitbit screen, but I cannot read my screen outdoors because I have an Inspire 2... and it's impossible to read outside. 

When I went to see my heart rate through the day, however, it doesn't show the 157 bpm. This is because Fitbit only shows an average of every 5 minutes, so it misses my peaks. 

There's an app called Cardiogram that will show you every single BPM reading the Fitbit took. I used to use it when it was free, and it was really enlightening to see how often my heart rate spikes high. Then they started to charge a yearly subscription that was over my budget, so I stopped using it. I feel a little blind by only relying on Fitbit now, but thankfully I've been monitoring for enough years to have learned how my heart is. 

And now let's talk about products I've recommended that have changed or are no longer available... 

1. Starting with Vital Proteins Collagen Creamer, my favorite part of every morning, and the reason my nails have been surviving thyroid issues! 

I have heavily recommended this product for years, but Vital Proteins decided to change the ingredients BEFORE changing the product description on any store front. Their own website, Amazon, Vitacost, and other stores all show the old ingredients, but they're shipping the "new and improved" product instead, which has different ingredients. They removed the silica, but also added stevia (it was good without the stevia, why add it?) Unfortunately, the new product contains Maltodextrin now, which is often made from corn (I'm allergic to corn.) I wrote Vital Proteins to ask if it's made from corn, and they said:

Thank you for reaching out to us!  Our Collagen Creamers have indeed undergone a recent reformulation- this change was made to improve the mixing experience. As this is our new formulation for this product, we will no longer continue to offer the previous version. Our team is working to update the product page to reflect the new formulation. The Maltodextrin used in our product is a combination of corn and tapioca. Based on the information you shared with us we recommend to not consume the product. 

Yes, corn. Thankfully I didn't consume it without looking at the ingredients for changes! Allergies aren't the only problem with this situation. Even if I was not allergic to corn I would never willingly buy and consume something with maltodextrin in it due to how it spikes blood sugar in the body (click the sentence for a link.) I'm too sensitive to blood sugar changes and I can't handle ingredients like this.

At the bottom of that email I noticed something:

In Health,
Team Vital

Customer Care Team
Nestlé Health Science U.S. - VITAL PROTEINS

How long as Nestle owned them? Here's the thing about Nestle: I think they do very evil things and I will not support them until they change their terrible habits, but when they bought Garden of Life they didn't change anything about the quality of the product as far as I could tell. I've read that they do tend to take a hands-off approach to companies they buy. So is this terrible business with their collagen creamer a problem of Nestle? Not sure.. but for the sake of having a scapegoat, I will happily blame Nestle! 

So I switched to Primal Kitchen Collagen Fuel. I don't like it as well, but it's good enough. No bad ingredients, but it also doesn't say grass-fed cows... normally I'd keep looking for something grass-fed, but all the other brands that make collagen creamers add ingredients like maltodextrin to help it mix better in coffee. This is the only option on the market right now without maltodextrin. By the way, Primal Kitchen was bought by Kraft Heinz in 2018. It is what it is. It's hard to avoid these megacorporations in this world unless I live completely on food I grow myself and farmer's markets. It's more possible to do that here in South Carolina than anywhere else I've lived... but I want my collagen!

2. Dickinson's Witch Hazel Wipes, individually wrapped. These have been "out of stock" for a very long time, and they have introduced a new package with multiple sheets per package instead. I'm all for less packaging, but that defeats the purpose. These were a perfect fragrance-free option for cleaning up while traveling. I used them on my hands, face, and body. They were small and fit into my purse or pocket, so I could keep them with me. I have not yet found an alternative that's fragrance-free at a reasonable price point. I bought out the last of the other TN Dickinon's witch hazel brand individual wipes for now, so I'll look for an alternative later when I need to buy something. 

3. Biokleen laundry powder... Now this one has me the most upset of all. I can't link to it because it no longer exists. I prefer powder because it significantly reduces plastic waste, it's pure soap and not mostly water, and it's easier to work with. The problem with powder is they normally require warm to hot water to work. At first, they made their laundry powder with hydrogen peroxide and enzymes, which meant it cleaned and dissolved in cold water really well. I also liked it because it contained zeolite, which binds to mold spores. It helped me decontaminate my clothes. Then they changed their formula and removed the hydrogen peroxide and enzymes. They switched to using citrus as the cleaning agent. I wasn't happy, but it's been working well enough for me. They also offered a fragrance-free version, which normally I would prefer, but I wanted the grapefruit seed oil to help break down biofilms on my clothes and that was only in the citrus version. Now they no longer make it at all. 

Instead, Biokleen started to make laundry sheets. 🚩🚩🚩 Red flag alert!! Let me make something very clear: Laundry sheets are TERRIBLE in every possible way. They claim to be better for the environment because they don't use plastic packaging, but what they don't tell you is that every sheet contains plastic: polyvinyl alcohol. You're literally washing your clothes in plastic if you use these, and no, the plastic does not "magically dissolve." Read this study about how 75% of it ends up in water ways. But it's worse than that: these sheets don't work well. They don't dissolve in cold water, but most natural fibers require cold water. They end up clogging up pipes because they don't dissolve. Look... there's nothing good about laundry sheets. Fine idea for reducing plastic, but wrong execution. I'm really upset that Biokleen went this direction instead of continuing to make their enzyme-based laundry powder. I would have paid more for it if I need to, because it worked... 

So I switched to Dirty Labs. It's liquid, it uses enzymes, it's fragrance-free, works great in cold water, and contains no plastic at all. Honestly, it's a great product. I really like how well it cleans. I like that it's super concentrated, so I'm not buying water. My complaint, unfortunately, is how messy it is. It's very thick and goopy, so it's slow to pour. It's hard to measure the right amount because not all of it will pour out. They made a dispenser bottle, but based on the reviews it's problematic and needs to get perfected before I spend money on it. 

4. ....Oh!! It's back in stock!! I don't have to lament about how my favorite product is out of stock anymore! Lauren Brooke Cosmetiques pressed powder foundation. Yay!!!!!!! This product is very clean, and it works brilliantly. It gives my skin life and a glow, but it doesn't look heavy like foundation. It's breathable and stays in place when I sweat. It's amazing. I frequently wear it without any other make up just because it makes me look normal and healthy.  

Aurora - The Seed

July 2024: What Happened To The Heart?

Despite what I'm about to say in this blog, I'm really grateful for the beauty that I'm surrounded by in my life. I bought this flower at a farmer's market a few weeks after moving here at this time last year, and look at it now. It's the most amazing flower I've ever grown in my life:

I'll be turning 37 in a few weeks. I still feel so young because I feel like too little has happened in my life, but I feel the weight of age on my shoulders. It's compounded by all the doomsday scenarios all over the news: climate change will cause us to fry or freeze until we're all extinct, women's health care will regress until I can't get any medical help at all, it's impossible to afford to raise children, we're running out of electricity, no one can buy homes anymore... You get the point. I feel like I missed my opportunity to live the "American Dream" before it became impossible. Now I wonder if we're all going to die soon anyway. (I doubt it and I won't plan on it, but I entertain the thoughts.)

Part of me is actually really thankful that the "American Dream" is dying, because it's a huge responsibility and not everyone is built to endure it, and it gives me relief to be able to let go of it. Those who are built to endure it are very lucky to have the opportunity to thrive in this country, and I'm incredibly grateful for them! They are the backbone of this country and I fully support their efforts. I thought I was one of those people, but now? It's only a burden of a dead dream for me now. Before I got sick I had a lot of ambition that was instilled onto me. I understood that every person had to have a career, and so I was creative about what I wanted my career to look like. I dreamed of opening my own business, being a published novel author, landing a job working for a company that was going to save the world from itself, and giving TED Talks about how ethics in business actually lead to better productivity. I was a highly idealistic and dreamy person. I was smart and I knew it, but I didn't understand my intelligence type. I fought my natural instincts in order to do the "successful person" things. Since getting sick, all that ambition is completely gone, and all that matters is the energy that arises from my natural instincts... which isn't exactly career-oriented. I'm a nurturer, and I was built to raise a family... something that's impossible to do without a two-career household these days. 

I thought getting married was the first step to doing the right thing with my life in order to live my "American Dream," so I got married very young. I thought that was going to motivate me to make money and get my life rolling. It took me a long time to figure out that I was delusional, because I was trying to do what I was supposed to instead of live according to how I naturally am. I was very ready to be completely in love and committed to a person - that wasn't the problem. I'm built to love very hard, and commitment is a huge blessing to me, not a source of fear. The problem was that I wanted to be married because I wanted a family - which is very natural, right? It killed my career instincts. Immediately I found myself putting myself aside to support my husband in all of his dreams. I stopped investing in myself. I took any job I could find, which never paid that much. I had a college degree, yes, but that never helped me earn a decent wage. I had 2 different jobs that required my degree, and both of them paid less than $10/hr. It was very clear to me that I was built to be moral support to my husband, and it was my job to help him fulfil his career dreams. And then I got sick. Goodbye Sarah and all her dreams... getting sick became my life. And you know what? I'm tired of my life being ruled by my physical abilities. 

Side story about being a slave to my body so you can understand how difficult it is for me to plan anything in my life:

We had tickets to go see a concert of a world famous jazz musician: Wynton Marsalis. We could choose between going on a Tuesday or Saturday since he was at the venue for a residency. My husband really wanted to go on the Tuesday, but I told him that was my period due date. My period is so extreme that I absolutely cannot do anything on the day of my period, but the PMS is also very intense. It's always better to schedule everything in my life for the week after my period. So I said Saturday was the better day to go. Well, Tuesday came and went and my period didn't come, although the pain was enough to make me believe it would come at any moment. But it didn't. I ended up being 6 days late, and why? It started overnight on Friday and caused me a ton of problems all Saturday morning. We had to leave by 3 pm to get to the concert on time. My husband had been calling around asking for anyone else to take my ticket and go with him, but it was too last minute and no one was able to. I made a last moment decision at 3 pm to go with him, because I was just getting past the worst and was entering the recovery phase. It meant 4 hours in the car, and somehow managing with difficult public bathrooms while there. But I was angry at my body and I was angry that money would go to waste. So I chose to go with him. I wore a dress so I could wear my overnight pad, because my menstrual cup can't contain it all, took some medication, and went with him. I delt with the poor public bathroom options. I was dizzy and wanted to lay down through the concert. But I really enjoyed the music, which lifted my spirits and helped me endure. If my period had started even an hour or two later I wouldn't have gone, so I got very lucky.  

Now I'm in South Carolina for his career... I'm not going to write freely about my entire experience here, not at this point in time. But I can say it's been highly unsettled, triggering depression like I've never known before. It's been very difficult for me to just go get any job I can, because it doesn't work that way here. I can't drive far safely - most of the time I can drive 10 minutes before I zone out too much, and there isn't much within 10 minutes. Most jobs here are manufacturing jobs, followed by fast food. Manufacturing jobs are never going to work for me because they'll never hire me part-time, and the jobs are highly physical and require more energy than I have. So many of them are essentially slave-labor too... I have been told many stories from locals here. Many of them only offer rotating shifts of 12 hour days, but the work is highly repetitive and causes repetitive stress injury. No, I can't survive in that environment in my physical condition. To be clear, it's because of the small town I'm living in. If I were in one of the cities I wouldn't be having such a problem... maybe. There's a lot of competition for jobs. South Carolina is growing rapidly. I feel extremely useless... like there's no reason to be alive. I could get into the climate, pollen, mold, poor infrastructure, and poverty issues too... I could write a lot about how inhospitable it is for my health condition, but I imagine I don't need to explain much. Extreme heat, pollen, and widespread mold problems says everything. I feel like I lost a battle with the culture of this state before I even took a swing at it. The standards of living are very low, and the expectation is that every person is able-bodied and can work like slaves. At least in the small town I'm in. Imagine me calling in sick for my period... it doesn't matter that I have endometriosis. I would get fired quickly. 

Aurora's new album, "What Happened to the Heart" has been a massive inspiration for me these past few weeks. I know I'm always sharing her music in this blog, but she always expresses what's in my heart and on my mind. It's very poetic and the themes align perfectly with all the weight on my own heart. She sings about what it means to be human in a disconnected world: tackling issues of AI, loss of independence and the desire to be free, inability to repair relationships due to selfishness, how to be remembered in a world that isn't paying attention, worshiping idols that don't love us back, and how necessary it is to love. I was already feeling all the themes very deeply, then she comes along with this album that expresses my heart perfectly. But I know we're all feeling these themes to some degree.

The Essence

In another life

Home feels like home

I've mourned you now

Longer than I've known you

As the trees cry their leaves

Vulnerable, just like me

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We all hurt sometimes

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We are running through the waves of time

And the truth can lie

In the arms of a fight

And I try, and I try

But it hurts so much

To be in touch

So I'd rather not

We make amends with the roads we cross

Like rivers flow

To be near your ground

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We all hurt sometimes

Maybe, maybe it will be alright?

We are running through the waves of time

And the truth can lie

In the arms of a fight

And I try, and I try

But it hurts so much

To be in touch

With the essence of us

A Soul With No King

I know you know me and you always will

Like a man with no wisdom and a soul with no king

A soul with no king, hmm

I know you fear me, your heart unfulfilled

Like a world with no mother and a home never built

But if this is what you want

Why speak of right and wrong?

You still go in for the kill

You speak of the devil

Like he's not your friend

When the world starts to burn

Give your water to him

(Call my name)

Call my name

Nothing will ever change, no guilt, no shame

Call out my name when you need me again

Nothing will ever change, no guilt, no shame

Call out my name when you need me again

If you know who I am, why won't you call my name?