I want to write, but I'm not feeling focused at all. I've decided to let this post be my outlet of complaints about my struggles, but I don't want it to just be about me. Leave me comments, either here, Facebook, or Google+. Let's all pitch in and share our struggles. Sometimes what we need more than anything else is affirmations from others that what we are going through is horrible - that chronic illness and poor health is miserable and we all struggle with it uniquely. So please, join with me. Let's vent. I want to hear your struggles too!
1. Tea/ Caffeine. I LOVE green tea. I would drink it exclusively throughout the day if I could. The problem is, I'm very sensitive to caffeine. One mug of green tea is all I need to carry me through a 4-5 hour shift at work as if I'm a normal human being without chronic fatigue. If I drank a cup every day, like I want to, my adrenals would never heal, I'd never be able to truly rest, and I'd probably struggle even more with sleep. So I have to drink Yogi's organic decaf green tea on days that I don't work. It tastes half as good, and I know it's not as good for me. :(
2. PMS. I've rarely had mood problems with PMS my whole life. I would get horrible acne, bloating, sugar cravings, and inflammation, but my mood wasn't affected much outside of making me tired. The last two months have been totally opposite for me. It was PMS from hell both months. I found myself so angry for no reason that I couldn't hold a light conversation with people. I was raging in my dreams to the point that my anger woke me up in tears. I couldn't enjoy doing anything. Everything I did, even things I normally love, irritated the heck out of me. It wasn't possible to be me. I've had very little acne on my face, but weirdly, I've been getting it on my arms and legs. I was bloating a lot, but mostly in my breasts and not my gut - ouch! Last month my sugar cravings were really hard to combat, but this month I didn't have cravings at all. My body has become horribly unpredictable. Hormones! I never used to respect them since I didn't understand them, now I have a ton of respect for them since I understand their power.
3. Money. Yes, money. If we had enough, my problems could be solved. I wouldn't have to work, I could spend a lot more on treatments, I wouldn't feel constant suppressing damaging stress, we could buy a house without any MCS triggers, I could get away from the city and order all of my groceries online to be delivered, I could build a garden and raise a couple of cows for my meat, I could... wait. I'm just dreaming now. But seriously, MONEY. It's the reason I have to work, which definitely is ruining my ability to heal. It's the reason for 90% of my stress, which preventing me from healing. But what can I do when I don't qualify for disability (it's way too expensive to even try anyway)?
4. Responsibility. Responsibility outside of making money, that is. I'm really struggling to keep up. For instance, I failed to remember to renew my truck's registration and I was expired for about a month. I can hardly keep up with house cleaning. My poor birds didn't have clean cages for about 2 weeks. It's just too much for me! I'm not joking when I tell people I need a few days of doing nothing. I just can't create the energy to spend on everything that needs work. I give about 80% of my energy to my job, and the rest of my energy I need for cooking and buying food.
Staying on this topic, I just want to lament a bit. When I was in college I had no trouble at all staying on top of homework and classes, even as a full time student with a part time job. I even had the energy to survive all of this and go through a very rough and depressing break-up. I had the energy to get married and be a full time student with a part time job. And hang out with friends. And play video games. I was normal, and I thought nothing of it. Today, this would be impossible. I'd be in the hospital from being overspent after just one day. My life is behind me - what I'm experiencing now hardly feels like "me" at all.
5. The realization that I still don't fit in with the world. When I started working again a few months ago, I had the strong attitude of "I will do this on my terms." I didn't really have a choice, it was either on my terms or not at all, because I would get very sick if I did it any other way. I've never been like this before. Those of you who have worked with me before I broke down and got sick will remember that I was always flexible, open to change, responded very well to rules and orders, and willing to do whatever it took. My natural personality says to still be this way, but I can't be. I must protect my health at all costs. So getting "my way" means clashing with others. It means being demanding, controlling, and resistant. I hate being this way. It's not "me." I create a lot of stress from trying to always stay in control of every situation.
6. The realization that I'm not in control of my situation. I really need control in order to protect my health, but the truth is that I have very little. Customers reeking of perfume or cigarette smoke still walk in the door at work. The smoke in the air from the wild fires out west are hard on my health, but it also traps perfumes and laundry fragrances in the air, making the air quality outside especially hazardous for me. I don't always have access to the food I need, and my needs are specific. My body does what it wants to even when I do everything right. I can get hit with fatigue even after lots of rest and eating and supplementing perfectly. My PMS can be out of control even when I didn't change anything. My legs can cramp up without provocation. I'm not in control at all. I'm constantly responding to every situation to make it as good as possible.
7. I don't even know what I love to do anymore. If I had energy, I would love to sew my own clothes again. If I had energy, I would love to finish writing a novel I've started. If I had energy, I would work out every day and create a rockin' body. If I had energy, I'd probably become a Faith Formation teacher at church. If I had energy, I'd love to maintain a big garden. If I had energy, I'd probably go back to school to become a health coach. If I had energy, I'd work more so my husband could work less. If I had money and energy, I'd travel a lot more often with my husband. But since I don't have energy and money, what do I love to do? I know that I love to lose myself in a great story, whether it's a book, manga, video game, TV show, movie... whatever. But that's not exactly doing. What do I love to do with the energy I do have? I don't know. I'm bored pretty often, but I just accept it and play video games, because frankly, I'm struggling to change it. I'm struggling to find the energy to actually do. I've already given up on my great life goal: having and raising children. When will this ever happen? My husband and I are getting older, and I see years of recovery ahead of me.
Okay, your turn!
No comments:
Post a Comment