But I haven't been myself since the surgery. I've been emotionally dead too much of the time. It's not that I can't laugh and joke around with friends, but I have to be in the mood to now. I often see that my friends are having a good time and I could join in and have a ton of fun, but just don't want to laugh. I don't want to engage with them. I don't think it's just a lack of energy, it's definitely a mood issue. I feel myself going back and forth between feeling happy and engaged and completely emotionally cut off and distant. It's driving my crazy - as if I'm in PMS all the time. I'm not myself. I just can't find it in me to want to talk to people too much of the time. This all happened since the surgery.
I have had all sorts of physical issues too. My toes are almost always FREEZING icy cold, and now I have the first toe nail fungus infection I've ever had. I've gained weight and feel inflamed and puffy. My skin has broken out much more frequently and more intensely. My POTS symptoms have been worse. It's hard to stand up in one place for more than a minute. I have to lean on something or keep moving. It's exhausting to just stand still, and the blood pooling in my legs is more obvious. My feet turn purple. I've been more reactive to allergens again. Lots of sinus trouble with bloody noses this summer. My "fibromyalgia" has come back in waves. Muscle aches and cramps, tender skin, and pain with using muscles in slightly the wrong way. I have a ganglion cyst on my wrist under my thumb, and my thumb has hurt a lot. Can't squeeze anything without shooting stabbing pain. My finger and toe nails are peeling off the top layer again. My pupils are not the same size fairly often. I'm dizzy frequently. My energy level has been awfully low. My digestion is weak. I'm feeling low blood sugar before my stomach will accept food.
My husband keeps telling me I'm argumentative too. I sense he's getting frustrated with me. I'm trying. I really am. I just constantly feel like I'm at the end of my rope with energy for making decisions or tolerating changes. He's trying to get stuff done and accomplished and I just can't process it. When will I be able to handle it? I don't know. Probably in too much time to wait.
It feels like I've lost a lot of progress in my health.
I've been laying out on the back deck in the sun as much as possible. It's not been enough to warm up my freezing toes. The sun feels great, but it's not helping with the depression the way I was hoping.
Now I can't be outside easily. All the wildfires in the west are creating lots of smoke, and that smoke is heavy here now. We're in the red zone for air quality. The sky is just... gray.
I don't know what to do. It's hard to find motivation when all I want to do is lay in bed. But when I feel good enough I can log into my game and hang out with my guild mates and laugh and have a lot of fun. All from the comfort of bed. Great friends that don't require physical energy - it's a huge blessing. They don't need to know about my health issues. I can just be normal and myself with them. But as it turns out, many of them also have health issues - it seems many of us are attracted to the game for the same reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment