My stress level is up to there *points to roof of house.* I can't talk about it, I'm overwhelmed. Fight or flight is telling me to just run far far away and never look back. Short version: I'm in the process of trying to find a lawyer to take my disability case, but this is very difficult with chronic fatigue when all my energy is going to my part time job and looking for doctors.
So I want to write about some various musings I've been having to get them off my mind. I view this like trying to take flight in the "fight or flight" situation, but I can't fly when I have all these obstacles in the way that I need to clear out of my flight path. How do I have the energy to do this? Well I woke up this morning with itching, small hives, feeling highly fidgety, lots of anxiety, and muscle aches. I tried to calm my body down with calming stuff... didn't work. So I drank a cup of black tea. That worked! I'm much more calm, almost sleepy, but my brain is awake with unfocused random thoughts that I can't seem to focus in on. This is not the kind of energy I need to accomplish anything. I'm too irritated and scattered to get work done. And this isn't real energy, it's adrenaline. This is a therapy post. This post is what anxiety looks like in my brain.
1. Politics
How do people have the energy to be angry about politics all the time? What if people channeled that gift of energy into action that actually helps people? Instead of getting upset with people you'll never meet in person, why not make the world a better place for those around you? I know this doesn't sound like me - I've always been one to pay attention, have an opinion, and be idealistic. I know this sounds like I'm over simplifying. I've always been annoyed with people who make statements like the one I'm making now. I think that's what exhaustion does to a person like me - helps them simplify stressful situations down to what's most important. And what's most important? Stop alienating people around you with your anger about politics, and start listening to what people around you need to make their world a better place. Help one person at a time get what they need to be a good person for our society.
2. Violence
Since when has the world ever been a peaceful place? What is different about our world now that we should expect it to be a peaceful place? Did the Roman Empire have violent video games? Did the Crusaders watch violent movies? Did the Vikings have assault rifles? So why do we blame video games, movies, books, sports, and other violent entertainment on creating violent people? Is violence only a learned behavior? What are we doing to help people not want to be violent?
3. Negativity vs Positivity
Why is this even an argument? Negativity is not inherently a bad thing. Positivity is not inherently a good thing. Too much of either is just living in denial. Feeling and thinking negativity in some cases can be a healthy way to protect ourselves from things we don't need in our lives. I'm negative about toxins, poor finances, low quality food, video games getting released before they're finished, books I love getting turned into bad movies, too much snow... what's wrong with feeling negatively about these things? No, they shouldn't be my main focus, but I'm allowed to feel negatively about them. For instance, if I say, "I'll never be athletic enough to be a Ninja Warrior, but I know I can achieve this job promotion!" then the positivity I tagged onto the end doesn't actually change the negativity in the first part of the statement. What's wrong with feeling the disappointment that I'll never be a Ninja Warrior? What's wrong with letting myself focus on the grief of letting go of my dream of being a Ninja Warrior? Distracting myself with the positivity about the job promotion doesn't allow me to process what I need to feel about never becoming a Ninja Warrior. Once I process those feelings I can focus on the positive feelings of the job promotion without feeling like it's not what I really want for myself. Negativity does have a place, and it's not always bad. If someone is stuck on a negative thought, don't automatically shoot it down and assume they're a negative person. Maybe help them process that negativity? Listen to them. They might have a legit point about something that needs solving, and if it can't be solved, they might need help processing that grief. And don't just focus on the positive - that's really annoying and can amply negativity. It's repulsive. When I'm feeling negatively about something I don't want people telling me positive things to focus on because I don't want the distraction - replacing with positive thoughts doesn't solve the negativity. I want to work out my negative feelings so I can grow and move on. It only is a problem if I'm only ever negative. If I'm never feeling positive, that's dangerous and unhealthy... but it would mean I need therapy, not positive thoughts to distract me from working out the negativity.
I know that positivity does greatly affect our mood, our thinking, and our energy levels. It's best to work out the negativity so we can let the positive guide us instead. I don't need to write about why positivity is a wonderful thing. We see words of affirmation, acts of service and support, and people trying to bring positivity into the world everywhere we go. It's beautiful and I'm grateful for the positivity. I need to write about why negativity is not always a bad thing, because I'm getting sick and tired of all the negativity shaming.
4. Friends
I don't think I can express this enough. Just because I don't have the energy to invest in you doesn't mean I don't care about you. I've had to take a major step back from Facebook, especially Facebook Messenger. I've met so many people who want to connect with me since we have similar health experiences. I understand - I want the connection too. I want to know I'm not alone. The problem is, I'm burned out. I know I'm not alone the point that the chronic health issue epidemic is overwhelming me. I care deeply about every person I meet who suffers with a chronic illness. I really do. This epidemic has become my life passion. But I can't be friends with everyone. I don't have the energy, and when I do try to keep up with my friends I get so drained so quickly that I have to walk away. It isn't that my friends are needy. It's just that they're people. People take energy. I don't have energy. I feel badly about all the friend requests that go unaccepted and all the messages that go unanswered. It isn't my desire to ignore people - I really would rather not come across like I'm ignoring anyone. It's not you. It's me. I don't have the energy.
I've found a social outlet that's surprisingly very helpful: Final Fantasy XV A New Empire. It's a mobile war game. It's not even a good game. In fact, it's often a pretty lousy game. But I've been very surprised by the guild I joined. I've been playing it for about a year, and we've grown so close that we call each other a family. My guild is full of amazing people from all over the world and we have so much fun just being a family. I can play the game when I want to, and I can avoid it when I want to. I can choose to be social if I want to, or I can just work on building my empire as I want to. There's no pressure. It's only ever fun. I can be myself without ever talking about my problem. There is no reason to talk about my life problems in the game - it's a place I can go to leave all my problems behind, with people who are tons of fun and very caring. The game doesn't take a lot of effort or energy to play. It's all in real time, so there are deadlines and timing issues if I choose to engage in them. But I can play as passively and as slowly as I want to, and I don't have to participate in anything I don't want to. It helps me feel a lot of accomplishments too.
5. Let Me Be Me
I'm a woman. I'm passionate about certain video games, manga and comics, TV series, and other nerdy entertainment. I'm passionate about health through nutrition and lifestyle. I'm passionate about social economic issues, such as choosing to buy products made by people who are fairly and humanly employed. I'm passionate about learning about who other people are and how other cultures work. I'm passionate about my faith in God and how my religion serves God.
I don't care if you don't like me. I wasn't born to be liked by everyone. But don't tell me I'm wrong to be who I am. I'm not a useless leech of a person because I play video games. I'm not immature because of my taste in entertainment. I'm not an unrelatable person or a party pooper because I take charge of my medical needs and take my health very seriously. I'm not a judgmental negative hypocrite because I try to live in modern society while making the most humane choices on what I buy. I'm not out of touch or a freak because of my faith in God. I'm not a fake person because I love learning about the world when I can't afford to travel.
What this thought boils down to is this: I'm tired of the positivity pushers criticizing me and my friends for not living up to their idealistic opinions on how people should be. I'm getting annoyed by the people who think they know what is best for others telling me my habits are not habits of good useful people.
Actual things people have said to me:
"Video games waste your time. Try meditating instead if you're looking to feel good about yourself through something else."
No. Video games and meditation do not serve the same purpose, and video games have tons of mental and emotional benefits. There's nothing wrong with enjoying myself in my free time. Is it worse than going out partying, drinking, doing drugs, joining a gang..? Maybe I'd play more board games if I knew people who enjoyed them - are board games a problem? And who says I don't meditate and pray?
"Why do you read children's comics? Try a biography to help you learn more about the world."
I'm reading children's comics? Do you even know anything about manga and graphic novels? I'm pretty sure this story about arranged marriage in nomadic times in Turkey wouldn't interest children, but okay. And maybe I need my fantasy because I need a break from the world? Who are you to judge how I entertain myself?
"If you don't change your views on abortion we can't be friends."
Okay bye. I guess all the other things we had in common and all the fun times we shared mean nothing because I value life, families, sexual morality, and the innocent. That's not my problem. Don't like my views? Don't talk about abortion with me. Problem solved. My other friends handle this really well, why can't you?
"You didn't go to that psychic fair I told you about. Don't you want to get better?"
I don't want to pay money to get "help" from a "psychic." How does that show that I don't want to heal? If I'm wrong not to go, don't judge me for being skeptical. Educate me. Don't have the energy or knowledge to educate me? Then accept my choice.
"You don't love God enough. He will heal you if you love Him more!"
Okay... but God made us with the ability to learn how to heal each other. Doesn't He work through doctors, scientists, herbalists, farmers, and other people who look after our health? Maybe It's actually God's will that I experience all these health issues so that I can help other people ? Have a little faith in my faith! Sheesh. Faith is not an emotion. Faith is something we do through the struggles in life. Faith isn't about getting what you want from God, as if He's your sugar daddy.
"Your diet is wrong, all that meat will make your body acidic and make you worse, and you really need to take this supplement even though your doctor told you not to."
Want to see my labs from before this diet and compare them to my labs now? It's working for me. Doesn't mean it will work for you. And that supplement gave me neuropathy, so.... why don't you just shut up? I'd be open to hearing about how it worked for you, but no, you're just telling me what to do without getting to know me.
...I think I've typed out enough of my cluttered thoughts now. Now they're out of my head. :)
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