Sugar = Depression

People don't want to talk about depression and suicide. I don't blame them. I always feel so powerless when my friends bring it up to me. I know trying to cheer them up will just push them away. I know that when I'm feeling depressed I'm too zoned out to even talk about it. It's such a tough issue.

I'm currently wearing a heart monitor, a Zio XT Patch. I have a lot to write about to explain what's going on it, but I don't have the energy right now. To make my point, I do need to explain that I'm relaxing a little (not a lot) on my strict diet because we want the heart monitor to record what I'm like without all the medical aids, including my diet.

This has meant I've let myself eat sugar. I bought the SO Delicious chocolate covered coconut milk ice cream bars because the only thing in them that's not allowed on my diet is sugar. They were a safe sugary option for me. They're super good! So I ate too many over the last week. Each time I eat one, I'm noticing what happens a few hours later: I get very depressed. Not sad. Just mentally everything goes black and the only emotion that comes through is a mild current of anger. The "everything is stupid" type of anger, like I'm a teenager again. It comes along with a headache. It's awful. I lose sight of myself in this blackness. Then eventually it turns into hunger and total weakness - probably low blood sugar. I'm saying this now because the feeling is starting again... because I ate the ice cream a few hours ago. It's hitting me.

I still get depressed without the sugar, but it's really blowing my mind that sugar has this profound of an effect on me. It has a direct correlation with serious depression episodes. I'm not entirely sure what to do to get out of it - the past several days this week with the sugar depression I just had to go to sleep and sleep it off. Of course sleep doesn't come easily. I'm not supposed to take any sleep aids either, but I've had to take some magnesium to calm the anxiety in my body from the sugar so it was possible to sleep. I'm afraid of how I'd be with both sugar and a lack of sleep.

I also ate a muffin made from flax and oats, no other grains. The oats alone were enough to know what happens to me when I eat grains: fibromyalgia flare. It hurt. My skin, especially  my legs, got really tender to the touch. Waves of achiness went through my muscles. And I hate to say it, but it's true... taking the Eucharist has Mass has done the same thing to a much lesser degree. Grains are truly my enemy.

But why did I also mention suicide? Because I just binged on an anime on Crunchyroll called "Orange." If you're feeling depressed, go watch it. It's powerful. It's about a girl who sends a letter to her past self to coach her through her social anxiety issues in order to get her to save the life of a friend who will end up committing suicide. She has to overcome her own social fears to be strong for him, and he has to want her help - all the while he hides his deep depression from her. I won't spoil anything. It was really hard to watch, but also really inspiring and beautiful. It had a lot to say about the value of good communication skills.

Back to my heart monitor...
It hurts. All my doctor's supplements for me really have done a lot of good for me. I've been off of them for a month now, maybe longer? I'm not clear on the time frame at the moment. I've gained 10-15 pounds (the scale is different each day), I'm weak and totally drained, adrenaline takes over when I need to work and the adrenaline feels gross and dominating, I can't sleep well, my hair stopped growing much, bruises are taking weeks to heal, I'm dizzy really often, vertigo almost daily, my gut is screaming at me often, my heart is palpating and fluttering too often, I'm often panting for air, I'm dehydrated and can't seem to drink enough water... I'm going downhill fast. I'm so looking forward to going back on my supplements. They're a hassle to take. They're expensive. But they're all I've got that's working. I function so much better on them. Not perfectly well, not even close, but so much better.

I'll write about everything else later.