Anger

I'm not handling this at all. My anger is beyond my control.

6 or 7 years ago, I don't really remember, I tried taking Zyrtec for one week for my seasonal allergies, which were a pretty big problem in when I lived in Boise. I love Boise more than any other city in the country, but I can't deny that my allergies are strong there. Zyrtec made me so angry that my husband hardly recognized me anymore, and made me stop taking them. After a few days my anger cleared up and I was back to myself. It made me horribly uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hated everything. Nothing would go right, people were stupid, I was irritating myself, and I couldn't enjoy anything I normally liked.

Eating corn always gave me the same reaction: anger. I'm allergic to corn, and it gives me lots of symptoms, but anger was always the strongest. It makes me feel like everything is stupid, I hate life, people are the worst, I don't belong anywhere, and nothing ever goes right.

During the past two months, I've felt exactly the same while suffering PMS... something abnormal for me.

These last few days I've felt exactly the same, but no PMS or Zyrtec or Corn. I'm out of control. I'm having crying fits, rage fits where I just want to punch things, and I break down really easily. This morning I spent an hour trying on all my clothes looking for something to wear to church, the more I tried to make any of my clothes work, the more I broke down until I totally lost it. It's true that I have a serious clothing problem - clothes just don't fit my body, they're either too big or too small. But I was so emotional and angry that I gave up on even trying to go to church. Letting go of the plan to go to church has calmed me down a lot and I'm not so stressed out anymore. I want to get angry over my church problems too, because even when I do go I'm taking a major risk of getting sick.

I did, however, have a series of exposures this week. There were a lot of customers reeking of cigarette smoke at work - A LOT. More than usual. I was exposed to Windex. There's this stupid pain relief cream sample bottle in front of the cash registers at work that has a very very strong synthetic peach fragrance to it. I've done everything in my power to hold my breath or get away when people take a sample of it, but needless to say, that often doesn't work. No one takes me seriously when I say how that stuff affects me! But, I'm just one very part time employee, so why would my needs matter? I knew this type of thing would come up at any job I ended up taking. I don't have control, and I seriously just need to live inside of a bubble. Anyway, I also went out to a kid's restaurant for a birthday party. I was shockingly feeling moderately okay the whole time I was there, just a little bit of heart burn.

I'm pretty sure that my anger and emotional issues are all a delayed reaction to all the exposures I've had this week. I tend to get delayed reactions a lot. That pain relief cream gives me a headache and mild heart burn immediately, but I do end up pretty angry a few hours after exposure.

And this is why I've decided against going to church this morning. I don't think I have the ability to handle yet another exposure. It would be a huge risk. I also have so much trouble focusing while at church anymore because I'm slightly paranoid about people. People scare me - they're not within my control. And I'm getting worse and worse for whatever reason, and I hate being sick. I'm so done with this chronic sickness! I don't want other people to unknowingly make me more sick.

I just want to punch something.

And the weird part is that for several years I didn't get angry easily. I often recognized that I should be angry over something, but felt numb to it. I got annoyed very easily, but anger was rare. I was numb to a lot of things - at the time I figured it was because I trained myself to be that way since I was working some minimum wage corporate jobs, and it was easier to be numb than react to everything. Now I get angry too easily all the time, and I'm sure it's because I'm healing. Anger is a reaction my body is able to have again. Experiencing anger so often sure doesn't make me feel like I'm healing, though. I think I might rather go back to being more sick, but numb. I'm experiencing everything too strongly now, and it's sucking my energy dry. I don't even have enough energy to do what I need to do!

Back to my clothes. It's a serious problem. My bra size is too big, and it's very hard to find tops that fit. If the shirt fits my bust, it's too big on my stomach. If it fits my stomach, it's too tight on my bust. And to make matters worse, my bra size is very hard to find, pretty much impossible to find in natural fabrics. I react to polyester and nylon, which most of bras are made from. So I have two cotton bras that do not fit me properly, but I force them to work. They both shape me poorly, and I'm very self-conscious about going out in public while wearing them. I wear and apron at work, which actually helps a ton because it covers me up. Pants are just as hard. For several months, I was fitting size 6 really well. Then I want on the candida cleanse, and I've gained about 15 pounds back, but mostly in my hips. Now most pants that fit my hips are too baggy around my legs, and pants that fit my legs are too tight on my hips. Right now I have one pair of jeans that fit, but they look really stupid on my legs. I have some cotton capris that start out too tight in the hips, but after a few hours they stretch out enough in the right places and fit me pretty well. This problem is infuriating!

I have so many little problems that add up to life just being one giant problem for me. Of course I have legitimate reasons to feel angry! But most of this anger isn't about anything - my body is angry for the sake of being angry.

I could seriously go for a hike through the Idaho mountains to a secluded hot springs where I could spend the day. Nothing sounds more relieving. And I really really need some relief.

I see my doctor in about a week, thank God!! If nothing else, just being in his office helps me so so so so so so much. I don't react there since it's a safe place for those with MCS. I wouldn't mind spending a week in his office without ever leaving. I'd love to rediscover who I am without the influence of things I'm sensitive to.