Back to Work

It's been about a month since my last post. This just goes to show how fatigued I've been, that I've been avoiding my computer in favor of laying on the couch doing nothing but resting.

I started working a few months ago, just 12-15 hours a week. This might sound like nothing to most people. When I was regularly working 45-50 hours a week about 3 years ago I would have scoffed at the fact that I'd be reduced to this in only a few years time. Right now this feels like a lot of hours. For a year and a half I wasn't working. I was barely working at the last job I had as a secretary, and quit before I got fired for being too sick. The fact that I'm managing to work these few hours is really impressive to me, considering all I've been though.

But I'm tired. For a while I was able to spend my limited energy on my blog, my Zazzle store, and my writing. Now I'm storing up my energy, spending it at work, and coming home and resting a lot. I'm finding that I'm playing more video games than usual, and I'm struggling to read novels again. I'm turning back to graphic novels and manga because they're much easier to read. My brain is just this tired.

My legs feel heavy, my arms feel stiff, my back is aching, and my feet feel like bricks. I haven't done an actual work out since I started my job. I've gone for my 2 mile walks on occasion, but no weight lifting or Xbox Fitness. No Tai Chi. My job keeps me on my feet the whole time, which is one of the main reasons I chose it. I knew that if I chose a desk job that I'd only make myself worse. But my job has become my work out. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not - it just is what it is, and I think that's okay.

I'm not complaining. Yes, the job is causing my body troubles, but the fact that I'm working is absolutely amazing! Yes, it's putting me back on the fatigue roller coaster, when for a while I was finally starting to feel even/ stable most of the time, but I'm probably more active now than I was before I started working. And I hope that's actually a good thing.

There's nothing like battling chronic fatigue, or as they now call it, Myalgic Encephalopathy.

There's especially nothing like battling CFS/ ME and candida and adrenal fatigue and digestive issues and Chemical Sensitives while trying to pay the bills, have a healthy marriage, and keep friends. But I can be thankful for the fact that I'm no longer also dealing with fibromyalgia! That's gone. Thank goodness! Because when fibromyaliga was in the mix, there was no such thing as paying the bills, keeping my husband happy, or having friends.

I'm exhausted. But pretty soon my cup of Numi Organic Japanese Green Tea will kick in, give me more adrenaline than I can handle, and I'll be zipping around like a healthy person... until the caffeine wears out. And here is the problem. Caffeine definitely affects my adrenals negatively, but without the caffeine, I may not be an effective employee. My natural energy spurts don't always come when I need them. In fact, they tend to come as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Frustration!

But it's worth it. Having some sense of "normal" in my life is making a big difference. I'm no longer isolated from people. I'm forced to participate in the world again. I can't wallow in my own problems when I'm around others. I get to spend my limited energy on people, who for the most part, are worth spending my energy on.

My fear lies in the fact that I'm not keeping enough energy to spend on myself for my own healing. Traditional Chinese Medicine teaches that we heal with our left over energy. Well, what left over energy? My hope is that I will continue to grow my energy so that I'll have more to spend on my own healing.

If a plane crashes into our house and kills me... well, I wouldn't complain. That said, I have no intention of living my life waiting for that plane to crash into my house. I'm going to spend my life making the best of my time before I die a hopefully more natural and peaceful death. I feel like this goal is possible now, whereas a year ago I would have welcomed death, as I had no energy to make the best of life. 


Those of you with MCS who read my blog:
You're probably questioning how I'm able to work with MCS. I want to write about this soon. In short, I don't recommend it if your MCS reactions are debilitating. I chose a job at a place that doesn't have me constantly reacting, and I'm able to simple just walk away from the majority of things that do cause me to react. My reactions are so much less severe than they used to be, and my wonderful naturopathic doctor has me on a few things that are helping me survive our synthetic world. I have done a lot of healing work, which hasn't been easy, and it's helping me dramatically. A year ago I wouldn't have tolerated this job - it would have given me debilitating reactions. Then again, a year ago I was basically in a constant reaction and had no idea that it was a reaction I was experiencing.