Music for Dark Moods

I want to do another post on the music I've been listening to that has been helping me deal with depression and exhaustion. Since the surgery my mood and depression has been really unstable. I've also had to spend too much energy on projects that have worn me down, making me need to pull away from people and just be inside myself. I often don't want to listen to music when I'm that tired because it's stimulating, but this time, with all my mood swings, music is helping me stay centered even when I don't want the stimulation.


1. Whole Album: Beck "Morning Phase."
Beck is an artist that I enjoy socially and in small doses on my own, but overall doesn't really fit who I am as a person as well as other artists do. This album is so tranquil though. It's so relaxed, so at peace with the world, and such a calm and optimistic way to start my day. It's about the morning - that wonderful feeling of waking up rested before starting the day. I don't experience the waking up rested part often, but this helps me feel like I know what it feels like. :) This album is free to stream on Amazon Prime.

2. Whole Album: Evanescence "Synthesis"
Evanescence is a band with a lot of songs I've always thought I would like if only they didn't have incredibly boring metal guitars in almost every song. Amy Lee writes powerful melodies and sings so beautifully, but the guitars sound the same in every song. Well, she decided to come back with this album. It's mostly rearranged songs from her previous albums, with a couple new songs. This time the songs are full of what I love about their music and none of what I disliked. She hired an orchestra and the band isn't focused on producing the metal sound. It's beautiful - orchestral to create a big full sound that portrays the power in the songs better than the metal guitarists could. It's a mature Evanescence, an evolution of the band I was always hoping for. I absolutely love every second of this album! If you have Amazon Prime the album is streaming for free.

If I can point out one song in particular on this album that I've been so drawn to. This comes from an older album, and the original version is just... blah. This version brings the song to life (pun intended for fans lol.) "End of the Dream"


Why must we fall apart to understand how to fly? I will find a way, even without wings.

"Imaginary"

Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos your reality. I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge. The nightmare I built my own world to escape. 

"Perfect Imperfection"

I want to lift you up into the light that you deserve. I want to take your pain into myself so that you won't hurt. Don't you dare surrender! Don't leave me here without you, because I could never replace your perfect imperfection.

"Lithium"


Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without. Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

"Hi-Lo"

(Can't link to music video...)

Don't you know we could be high or low, you'll never fall beneath me. And I gave up on you, but I never forgot you.

3. Darren Hayes, but not a particular album. You probably know him as the lead singer of Savage Garden. He has an extensive solo career, but it never exactly came to America because the record producers wanted nothing to do with him after he came out as gay. He has some bad music out there, such as the song "Creeping Up On You." Who writes a song about stalking someone? But the rest? Very heartfelt. He sings full of emotion and passion without compromising good pop vocal technique. Lyrically he gets into the heart of any matter with masterful writing. I don't normally listen to this type of pop music because it's usually far too simple and meaningless for my tastes, but he's special. What I like most about him is that he tackles depression head on. He doesn't sing about it for sympathy, to explain himself, or to give the world an excuse for being depressed. He sings about the reality of depression, exposing it for what it is, and learning to live positively with it. Most of his music is about relationship struggles, which I don't have in my life, but I can still relate to the rest.

"Darkness" (Honestly probably my favorite song at the moment. Can't stop listening.)

I am famous for my generosity, they say I am the kindest. It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love.

"Taken by the Sea"

Fall, I took a fall, I took it easy. On the surface I was perfect, but down, way down below, I started believing I deserved it. Was I worthless? Sinking like a rescue boat washing right over me, vessel is struggling, waving both my hands in the air. Then the blindness of love, then your arms all around me...

"So Beautiful"

And if all the world was perfect I would only ever want to see your scars

"Stupid Mistake"

I made a stupid mistake and my world crashed down all around me. I made a stupid mistake and I threw it all away, threw it all away...




4. Florence and the Machine, whole album "How Big How Blue How Beautiful" and several songs off other albums. Florence Welch is a mixed bag full of wonderful song writing with a band that isn't always tight or perfect, and with a beautiful heavenly voice that isn't trained well enough to always sound its best. Somehow, even though my standards are high for quality pop and rock music, this doesn't bother me, because her songs aren't simple. Well, some of them are, but she makes them good in other ways. She is a woman who has dealt with addictions (including sex addiction that's prevalent in her lyrics, not something I relate to), and she knows how to tackle her mental health through song writing. I'm not like her in many ways, but she knows how to speak to my soul. She has music for when I'm stressed out, angry, burned out... and most importantly, when I'm trying to tackle my own issues. Here's a sampling of her songs that have helped me:

"Sky Full of Song"


Hold me down I'm so tired now, aim your arrow at the sky. Take me down, I'm too tired now. Leave me where I lie... 

"Shake It Out"


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!

"Falling"


Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release. Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief. Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace. It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief.


"Blinding"

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself has been undone... 

"Various Storms and Saints"

You'll find a rooftop to sing from, or find a hallway to dance. You don't need no edge to cling from. Your heart is there, it's in your hands. I know it seems like forever. I know it seems like an age. But one day this will be over. I swear it's not so far away. 


5. Emiliana Torrini. She's an Icelandic singer with a beautiful soft voice, and she knows how to write musical poetry. She can describe a scene like no one else. There is a different mood on each of her albums. Some of her songs get incredibly dark in subject matter (singing about a homicide, for instance), but some expose the simply beauty of the world and make it grand. I don't always connect with her when I'm in depressed dark place, but I like pretty much every song she's ever written.

"Blood Red"

I want a car in red, without a roof, blood red. Goes so fast my lipstick runs downriver. Instead I stay a while longer. So restricted. I know too much, I'm so affected, the winding hours belong to strangers. 

"Birds"


Lend me your wings and teach me how to fly. Show me when it rains, the place you go to hide.



6. Muse. I've talked about them before, don't need to repeat. But they have a brand new song out that is perfect for my mood. I love it so much.

"Something Human"
https://youtu.be/azAEHCQgcUI

Blogger won't let me embed the link to it, sadly and very annoyingly. But if you're into 80's stuff and fast cars and werewolves then you'll love the video. It's epic! And the song is so spot on about my need for escape.




There are other artists that I can connect with too, but I've talked about them before. U2, Muse, Jack White... I wanted to highlight that I've been listening to these artists a lot this summer. As if it's been winter.

Do you have suggestions for me? Let me know who helps you through dark times please. :)

Laprascopic Surgery

Laparoscopy: putting a camera and lasers into your abdomen via your belly button to diagnose endometriosis and other organ issues.

It took me 5 years to finally agree to have it done, and in retrospect, I wish I just would have done it right away. That said, I think it took 5 years of trying to heal and improve through other methods to realize I just needed to get surgery. My periods did improve a lot through natural healing methods, but after 5 years I still had endometriosis to have removed. This is an expensive surgery that insurance might not cover for you, but I believe this is a surgery that you shouldn't put off if you are suffering from your periods.

A little background on me: Since I was 17 my periods have been living nightmares for me, some of them so horrendous that I'm fairly sure they gave me some mental trauma. I've had people roll their eyes at me when I've said this, but it's true: the trauma was real. I've been scared of each period as it comes, bracing myself for the extreme pain. I've had to plan my entire life around when my periods were due to start, and that hasn't always been easy because of their irregularity. The pain that came with the first day of my period was so extreme that taking 12 ibuprofen wasn't enough - I was counting carefully. Sometimes I had to knock myself out with Nyquil and sleep through the worst of it while wearing an adult diaper. 7-12 hours of laying in bed, screaming from the waves of pain that just moving a toe brought was trauma-inducing. Losing 7-8 ounces of blood on the first day alone was incredibly difficult to deal with. The pain and blood loss left me incredibly dizzy and sick in every possible way - imagine sitting on the toilet with extreme amounts of blood coming out of you while you're struggling to breathe and your vision is going in and out of being pure black. And then co-workers and past bosses have had the nerve to tell me I was just weak and should learn from other women who just deal with their periods.

I went to a gynecologist about 5 years ago who recommended having a laparoscopy done. She told me she was almost certain I had endometriosis, but needed to do the surgery to confirm it.  There is no other way to diagnose it. I didn't take her up on it at the time because my insurance wouldn't pay for it - my quality of life came down to insurance, yes. But I also started to see my Naturopathic doctor who told me he could probably improve my symptoms. He was right. It took a couple of years with his care to get enough relief, but he was able to reduce my flow from 7-8 ounces on the first day down to 7-8 ounces in 4-5 days time. The pain reduced about 50-75%. He made an herbal tincture for me that killed the remaining pain perfectly - it works a billion times better than any pain killer every did. So because what he was doing for me was helping over time, I didn't go back to my gynecologist.

But then about a year ago ovarian cysts started to give me pain throughout the whole month, and that pain has been growing harder and harder to deal with. I can't manage my periods without my tincture, which makes me very sleepy. I still can't go to work on the first day of my period - I couldn't even drive if I needed to. The problem is that even when the pain isn't that bad, I'm still fighting vertigo, diarrhea, air hunger, extreme fatigue and weakness, digestive issues, and depression on the days around my period. That is likely from POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.) I always assumed it was the period itself causing the problems. So when I went to the gynecologist a couple of months ago to finally have the surgery done to relieve the rest of my pain, I wasn't giving up on my natural healing methods, I just knew I needed an official diagnosis and more relief.

It took a couple of appointments and other testing done before my new doctor agreed to do the surgery, but she did agree that the laparoscopy was a reasonable next step.



My husband and I had to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for an 8:10 surgery time. I wasn't allowed to eat anything 8 hours prior, so as someone who fights hypoglycemia I was very thankful for a pre-breakfast surgery time. I was not asked to do a bowel prep, but I did it anyway. I am so glad that I did - if you're not asked to a bowel prep, just go to your local health food store and buy some magnesium citrate and drink it down the night before. You'll be thankful. I was asked to take a few showers with antibacterial soap, but I just used Dr. Bronner's tea tree bar soap (tea tree will kill anything). If you're MCS and cannot tolerate tea tree essential oil, I honestly think you'll be just fine with whatever soap you tolerate. I'm not in the habit of using tea tree unless I have to, but in small amounts I can tolerate it. They covered my belly in iodine before the surgery anyway. Yes, iodine, which was perfect for me.

I was not allowed to wear any jewelry, lotions, perfumes, etc. As it turned out, I didn't notice that any of my doctors or nurses smelling of perfume either. The only trouble I had with it was the scented bathroom soap, and I only used the bathroom once before the surgery to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test first, and I was able to use my own unscented soap that I brought with me. The bathroom still reeked of scented soap, and I was reacting and feeling unwell from it shortly before I went into shock. The shock wasn't just from the reaction, but it did contribute. I think that the hospital takes the operating room more seriously than any other outpatient service. So my MCS issues weren't a big deal for me personally until I had all the meds in me.

I waited with my husband in a pre-op area. I think it was obvious I was nervous because the nurse that was with me doing all the paperwork and official business with me on the computer asked another nurse to come stay with me. That nurse was amazing. She helped me get into this big gown full of pockets for hot or cold air to get hooked up to. She stayed and talked to me to help me stay calm, and she was the one to wheel me to the operating room. I went into shock while she was wheeling me - shaking, crying, shivering, hyperventilating... big adrenaline and blood sugar type crash. She made the decision to allow my husband to come with me to the operating bed, the place I was in before going into the operating room. I was still struggling while on the bed with shaking and breathing, but my husband was able to be there to help me. I talked to my gynecologist (who did the surgery) and the anesthesiologist there. My doctor is gentle and nice, radiates confidence, but isn't arrogant or dismissive of me at all. She had exactly the right attitude I needed in a doctor who was about to open me up, and made me feel at peace with having the surgery done.

They had read my cardiologist's report before hand and saw I was just diagnosed with POTS and put on the Metoprolol beta blocker. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with them giving me a beta blocker for the surgery since I hadn't tried the Metoprolol yet and didn't know if I would be reactive to it. They did give me beta blockers in my injections, though. What I'm not clear on is if they gave it to me preemptively, or if I was going into tachycardia and needed it. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if my heart rate was too high from reactions to the other meds - my MCS reactions sky rocket my heart rate. I was able to discuss my concerns with anesthesia with the doctor, and he listened well.

I remember being given a port for the IVs, but I don't remember being given the anesthesia. I woke up in the same place to hearing a doctor yelling at nurses. I heard, "You need to get your shit together! What if the patients saw you acting like this?" There was arguing for a while. I thought to myself, "Oh this is funny, I can't wait to share this with everyone." They probably assumed I wouldn't remember hearing that if they had known I was waking up, but I remember everything after waking up. Poor nurses.
I wasn't able to open my eyes very much at that point or move my body, but I was alert. It wasn't long before a nurse was helping me get into a wheel chair. I remember thinking it was so strange that only one nurse was needed to get me out of the bed into the wheel chair - that I was able to get up as if I didn't just have surgery. She wheeled me to a room where my husband was waiting for me, then we went into a post-op recovery area.

I felt great. I felt better than ever. No pain, no anxiety, no feelings. I was very relaxed. If that many pain killers can make me feel that good, what does that say about my day-to-day pain and anxiety?

Except that I could feel one thing: my throat. My throat was so incredibly dry, horse, and in pain. It was like they stuck sandpaper down it. What they actually did was put a breathing tube down my throat during the surgery. Part of the tube had cut the inside of my lip too, so I couldn't stop licking it. They gave me ice to suck on for my throat, and I ate applesauce and popsicles.

I went through one and a half IVs in that room, and I went though at least one during the surgery.  I couldn't feel that my bladder was very full and ready to burst. I was just numb. I just noticed an odd heaviness and questioned if I needed to go. The nurse had to walk me to the toilet. I was really weak.

My doctor came and told me that she did find scar tissue and endometriosis. She sent a sample of it to the lab, and burned the rest out. One of the spots of endo was on my ovary, so she couldn't remove it without damaging my ovary, but she did burn off what she was able to. She scraped at the scar tissue she found to loosen it up. The nurse and the doctor went over my care instructions for at home and how to take my pain killers. I was prescribed Percocet and prescription Ibuprofen. Not having taken pain killers for 5 years and remembering having trouble with them, I was so scared to start them. But I had no choice. They were necessary. More on this later.

I got dressed after peeing a bunch more, and they let me go home. I think we got home around 1:30 pm, so I was at the hospital for about 8 hours. I felt pretty good for a couple more hours, just laying in bed eating popsicles for my throat.




Note:

I've had this typed up and waiting to be finished for over a month. I didn't finish, but I just can't right now. So exhausted and my energy is going to more pressing issues. I can get into my recovery in another post, because that's about where I left off. :)