3 Days of Rashes

Rashes! For 3 days! I'm puffy, swollen, have hives, have rashes, and I'm positively miserable. I'm very fatigued and feel almost no emotional capacity.

No, I don't know what is causing this, but there are possibilities. I'm going emotionally numb after all the heartache I've been through. (Someone tried to commit suicide again last night, and I'm just... I have nothing left to process it with.) I also started my period 4 days early, in contrast to being over a week late the last few months. It was much more painful than it has been and came with other bathroom issues. My diet hasn't been bad, but I've been eating less protein than I should in favor of more easy nuts and seeds to snack on. It's possible I can't tolerate that much. The weather is also making drastic sudden changes a lot, and I tend to flare during sudden changes like this. I'm also still on my doctor's mold protocol and maybe it just took a month to push out this much through my skin. I took a sauna when I was little too weak to handle it. My sleep has been... really bad. And then last night I was able to sleep solid like a rock because my period started. There's a lot of possibilities.

Anyway, I'm miserable. I feel like my hormones all dumped out of my body and I don't have any left to be human with. I'm in pain and itchy. I feel way too weak when standing up, occasionally out of breath and sweating just from standing. POTS is in full swing right now, and I'm vibrating even just sitting or laying down. I'm so over this.

Forgive me for not writing more informative posts like I used to. I'm just dealing with this. It's all I can do.

The Mushy Mush

I'm pure mush. Scattered unfocused thoughts, body feels and moves like jelly, highly creative dream like state with zero energy or care to apply it to anything, and a stagnated digestive system that doesn't know what it wants. I keep trying to find something to do with myself today, but after about 30 seconds of anything I turn into sludge and feel sleepy. This is PMS - it's more than just mood issues, pain, nerve issues, cravings, and acne.

I don't really like watching much TV alone because it's not interactive enough for me and I get restless, even when I'm overcome with fatigue. I like certain shows or movies when I'm watching with my husband or friends, but it's never a first choice when I'm alone. But watching Carmen Sandiego (new Netflix series) has been the only thing I've been able to enjoy today.

I don't really feel like talking to people, playing my game, sleeping, cleaning, cuddling with my pet birds, reading, working on my Spanish skills with Duolingo, sewing, drawing, listening to music... I'm just existing and being useless.

If I was forced to overcome this and go to work at a job how would I do? Well, it would require caffeine, licorice root, more adrenal complex, eating properly, and a whole lot of motivation. There's no way I'd perform well and I'd just prevent recovery by pushing myself. I'm overspent from pushing myself too hard yesterday to perform well at work. There is a point where my body will simply refuse to function well despite what I take to help it. I'd end up spacing out, forgetting things, stuttering and slurring my speech, dropping things, and finding myself unable to find mental energy problem solve.

Mush. Just pure mushy mush with stabbing pain thrown in here and here, even though occasional nerve ache in my leg.

Processing Depression Caused by Events

It's so easy to feel defeated. I've had a rough couple of weeks, and these experiences have led me to feel really depressed.

I have had several friends with severe medical emergencies and I had reason to worry for their lives. All at the same time. If one of these friends of mine does not survive it will be the second friend I will have lost to cancer. Another friend has been so sick that she became suicidal, and at times resistant to help. Of course I fought hard to help her fight for her life, but deep inside I couldn't help but wonder if I could fight if I was in her situation. Another friend ended up on life support after a car accident - that has been devastating. I also know 2 people who have had heart attacks recently. It's... overwhelming, to say the least.

And so, I decided to watch "Call Me Francis" / "Llamame Francisco" this week. I needed a true story about hardship to help me gain perspective. I also genuinely wanted to learn more about Pope Francis and Argentina. The mini-series does not educate or explain anything. It assumes you understand Argentine history fully. I had to talk to an Argentine friend of mine and do a lot of reading on my own to understand the circumstances in the story. Hours of research for 4 hours of show, but it was very enlightening. Learning about the Argentine 70's crisis with the military coup and the dictatorship was very interesting, but I don't know if I was in the right state of mind to learn about it objectively. Between the show and my research, I couldn't help but cry a lot over the kidnapping of pregnant mothers and the illegal adoption of their children. I cried when they showed the military throwing family members out of planes. Watching a story about how Padre Jorge (Pope Francis now) was actively involved in negotiating how the church helped these people was very enlightening. In the end, I learned that Argentina, while not recovered from these horrible events in the 70's, loves its people. They struggle with a terrible economy and a very high poverty rate right now, but they take care of themselves as best they can, because they actually care about offering the best quality of life that they can to their people. But I cannot help but feel shaken from learning about their recent atrocities. (No, don't tell me about other atrocities in world history to go learn about, I don't have the heart for it right now.)

I'm finding it is actually really difficult for me to read or learn about great people that live their lives well and accomplish a lot with their lives. Of course I'm extremely grateful to Pope Francis and admire him very much. (Don't let that statement get religious political - I don't care about your arguments about his church leadership right now. I'm referring to how he navigated the dire circumstances he lived through.)

But as I learn about these people I keep asking myself why I haven't figured out how to do great things with my life. Why are my years being wasted on nursing my health and entertaining myself in the process? Why are my talents and skills not getting developed so I can use them to help people in the world? A major reason is my chronic fatigue, but another major reason is my personality. I've never wanted to dedicate much time to developing skills beyond what was helpful enough to me to get tasks done, when it always felt more important to me to dedicate time to understanding people and morality. I'm one of those people who sits back and observes and reflects for years too long, and by the time I am ready to act, I find the next passion to ponder on for years too long. What do I do with all these thoughts? But how long have I really had this chronic fatigue? I might not have recognized it when I was younger because I was used to being that way, plus I'm introverted. When it caused me to be totally bedridden then I took notice. If not for the chronic fatigue, would I have done more action in my life to be more accomplished?

I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I should be doing great things despite my disability. I want to leave my mark on the world. But sometimes I can't see beyond my friends who are suffering so much. Sometimes I can't see beyond how terrible people have been throughout human history, and those who did great things for humanity make me feel like I'm not contributing to making the world better the way I should be. What is my purpose? I can't wait until I heal - what if I never do? What can I do in my current condition that won't overtax me and make me worse? I'm finding that what I am doing is overtaxing me and making me worse: I'm caring too much for people. I invest my energies into being their friends. It's not their fault, there is nothing to blame. It's just who I am. I just care. Too much. But if I make myself go numb to help me emotionally then I'll lose all sight of my purpose in life.

The USA's healthcare is a nearly complete failure for most of those with chronic illnesses. It leads people to suicide. It's way too expensive, doctors are too overworked and can't dedicate time to patients, doctors that are not trained in the illnesses try to poorly treat or dismiss us... it's a nightmare. And I'm one of those depressed chronically ill people who is feeling lost in the system. I am way better off than many people - so many people are substantially way worse than me. My disability is in the middle of the severity spectrum - I'm moderate. It significantly impacts my life, but hasn't completely stopped it. Too many people live in the severe category, in which their disability has completely prevented them from doing anything more than just staying alive minute by minute. I have the same struggles with the system, but it's not as dire for me. So trying to convince suicidal friends to use this system, because it's the only system there is, feels like I'm encouraging them to not get properly cared for so they can feel even more hopeless. It's a nightmare.

And so I have to keep reminding myself that saving the world is not my responsibility. I can't let world problems crush my spirit. At best, I need to keep my focus on my friends that I can do something for, even if it's just moral support. Being their friends, even though these major health issues, has helped me as much I hope I help them. Is it a waste of my energy? I don't think so. I might be full of grief and feeling depressed, but my heart is full of love because of them. I would feel depressed if I didn't have friends, or had friends who were healthy and so we can't relate to each other.