Chronic Fatigue is not "Boring"

Someone asked me recently how I'm not bored spending hours alone with only myself daily. 

First, no. The nature of chronic fatigue is to not have the energy to do much. It's not boring to be fatigued. It's like being lost in a meditation that I can't wake up from on my own. Time doesn't feel the same as when I have energy to work with. Time doesn't feel linear, it feels like something that I have to remember exists.  

Second, do not underestimate my ability to dream for long hours, even without falling asleep. If I had it in me, I would write novel after novel about my dreams. Many, however, are in very slow motion. I experience many images that last me for... who knows how long? It's not boring, it's allowing me to stay alive with my feelings while I can't physically participate.  

Third, even if I was healthy enough to take on the world like the rest of you act like you are (are you really?), I'm naturally very introverted. I'm not anti-social. I love to make deep connections with people, even if they are not lasting. I draw my energy from being alone, whereas people drain my energy. I have always needed to spend time alone every day to be with myself. 

Fourth, what does it matter? This is my process to allow myself to successfully come out of my shell and use my energy out there in the real world. I'm not turning to pot, alcohol, heroin, pain kills, and other substances. I'm just resting. I'm just zoned out. I'm not turned on, and I don't want to be. How can it be boring when I'm shut off?

Fifth, do you know what happens when I don't get to be boring and be alone for hours daily? I fall apart and crumble away until I'm completely unresponsive to people. The headache, the throbbing in my ears, the heartburn, the gut ache, the fibromyalgia, the chest pain, the endless internal screaming for mercy... I simply cannot over spend my energy without my body protesting hard. So I ask again, what does it matter to you, if it means I can be present and engaged with you when I am alert?



But... there is this incredible thing called the internet. I feel like I have the ability to be more myself online than in reality. The internet removes the stimulation that drains too much of my social energy in person. No body language, no vocal inflections, no eye contact, and no environmental stimuli. I can laugh without expressing it. I can take my time to think about a response instead of just react. I can watch a video of someone or listening to their recording as many times as I want to really absorb what they're saying. I can lay down in bed without having showered and my hair a hot mess while having the time of my life talking with people all over the world without seeing each other. How many evenings have I spent too exhausted from my day to physically do more than lay in bed, but still have a desire to connect with someone, so I join my friends in my mobile game?

And the beauty of the internet is that when I've reached my limit of what I can handle, I just put my phone down and close my eyes. I don't have to explain that it's time to go. I don't have to watch someone get angry with me for zoning out while talking to me. I don't have to physically walk away. I can just set my phone down. 



I have times when I'm so blood deficient that I'm not social for weeks at a time. As if chronic fatigue isn't enough, I have a problem with endometriosis causing me to bleed heavily during ovulation too. Imagine bleeding for half of every month. I think any person would feel exhausted by this too. I'm going through this right now. 

I tend to feel extremely heightened emotions during these times. I don't want to be social, but I do want to play out my emotions and experience them deeply. It's a lonely feeling because I don't want to engage with another person to feel these emotions, partly because it takes energy I don't have, but also because I'm afraid they won't be able to feel the emotion I need to feel with me. If they can't make me feel how I want to feel, they'll only drain me further. So this is why I turn to music. I can be extremely selective and picky, choosing to only listen to songs that fit what I need to feel. 

Today's song? Well you see, someone on youtube made a video of the same song playing for an hour. It couldn't be more perfect for what I'm feeling today. The mood of the song is exactly right. (Forgive the F bomb in it - but it's one of those appropriate uses, not an excessive, boring, and rude usage.)