I wrote this post on my phone on an airplane last Wednesday, 4 days ago. I wrote it in One Note and didn't have internet access to post it with. I'm sharing it with you "as is," meaning I'm not going through and changing or updating anything I said. This was a stream of consciousness type entry, and I want to honor that.
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I
recently saw this meme, and it's had me thinking. Whoever wrote this
must not have a debilitating chronic illness. How is it possible not to
think about and talk about a chronic illness when our lives must be
formed around it? Every day I take many supplements and pills twice a
day. I must stick to my very strict diet if I don't want a gut ache all
day (among other issues.) I can't go into many places, such as schools
or stores, without fearing fragrances or cleaners that could make me debilitatingly
sick. My life revolves around my body now. I must obey my body's needs
at all times, or I won't be able to function. If I don't talk about this
to others, how will I be able to make friends, attend events, or
participate in life? Because I struggle so much to fit in with most of
this world's norms, I need to explain myself to protect myself. That
said, I dislike dominating conversations with my chronic illness. I do
like to talk about other things more, and it does help when I can chat
for a while about topics that aren't about me.
I'm
writing this while traveling on a plane back home. In the airport
before boarding I ended up chatting with a guy who turned out to be from
my hometown of Boise, ID. He is a Mormon returning home from Virginia
from his 2 year mission. We chatted for close to an hour (flight was
delayed,) and we talked all about Boise, faith, and traveling. I didn't
have to bring up my illness at all, and I felt so normal. It made me so
happy to talk and laugh with a stranger about something we both love. I
didn't have to think about my current problems. I felt free - I got to
be me for that hour, not be sick me. I think this is the real point of
this meme. It's not possible to avoid owning our illnesses or talking
about them all the time, but when the opportunity arises to escape
talking about our illnesses, we need to take it.
On
a side note, I'm super excited for him. He finally gets to return home
to his girlfriend who he hasn't seen in two years. He was so nervous
that I couldn't help laughing in excitement.
I
just spent a month away from home with my parents and my doctor. I
didn't get to escape my health. I had to think about it every day, like I
have been for the past two years. Being away from home was refreshing,
but I'm still stuck with my personal reality no matter where I am. No, I
can't do as this meme says. What I can do is choose to focus my
energies on conversations not related to my health. I can choose to
enjoy my environment and surroundings. I can choose to put a smile on to
greet others, even when I'm grumpy from feeling sick. It isn't easy. In
fact, smiling can be really very difficult. But it's worth it. If other
people can see that you're making the best of life, they'll respond
positively and help you feel like a normal person.
I
needed to write this post, because I need to savor this time that I
have a clear head. Treatments helped so much, and I've regained enough
mental clarity to think without the influence of anxiety. My goodness, I
fought some scary bad anxiety attacks on this trip. When trapped in an
anxiety attack, it isn't possible to see the beauty in life or the
positives in my current life situation. I tried so hard to feel some
hope, but I couldn't find any hope at all. I was so consumed by fear
that I got lost somewhere in my brain and couldn't regain control. I
need to write this now as a testament to the fact that the real me isn't
an anxious person. The real me can laugh, connect with others, and look
forward to the future. The real me isn't self consumed. The sick me is
very self consumed and defensive.
I think it won't be long before I lose this good mood. I'm in a window seat next to two ladies. I don't smell them through my VogMask,
but my heart has been palpitating occasionally since we took off. I've
been fighting a mild reaction from Detroit's restrooms for a while, but
I'm handling it surprisingly well. I'm expecting to start breaking down
at some point. I may not, though, because I did just do a lot of heavy
detoxing this month and have been rejuvenated with immune system
boosting IVs and treatments. I'm also wearing my doctor's personal air
purifier, basically just a small unit I wear around my neck that
produces negative ions.
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