Should We Talk About Our Diseases?

I wrote this post on my phone on an airplane last Wednesday, 4 days ago. I wrote it in One Note and didn't have internet access to post it with. I'm sharing it with you "as is," meaning I'm not going through and changing or updating anything I said. This was a stream of consciousness type entry, and I want to honor that.

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I recently saw this meme, and it's had me thinking. Whoever wrote this must not have a debilitating chronic illness. How is it possible not to think about and talk about a chronic illness when our lives must be formed around it? Every day I take many supplements and pills twice a day. I must stick to my very strict diet if I don't want a gut ache all day (among other issues.) I can't go into many places, such as schools or stores, without fearing fragrances or cleaners that could make me debilitatingly sick. My life revolves around my body now. I must obey my body's needs at all times, or I won't be able to function. If I don't talk about this to others, how will I be able to make friends, attend events, or participate in life? Because I struggle so much to fit in with most of this world's norms, I need to explain myself to protect myself. That said, I dislike dominating conversations with my chronic illness. I do like to talk about other things more, and it does help when I can chat for a while about topics that aren't about me.  

I'm writing this while traveling on a plane back home. In the airport before boarding I ended up chatting with a guy who turned out to be from my hometown of Boise, ID. He is a Mormon returning home from Virginia from his 2 year mission. We chatted for close to an hour (flight was delayed,) and we talked all about Boise, faith, and traveling. I didn't have to bring up my illness at all, and I felt so normal. It made me so happy to talk and laugh with a stranger about something we both love. I didn't have to think about my current problems. I felt free - I got to be me for that hour, not be sick me. I think this is the real point of this meme. It's not possible to avoid owning our illnesses or talking about them all the time, but when the opportunity arises to escape talking about our illnesses, we need to take it.  

On a side note, I'm super excited for him. He finally gets to return home to his girlfriend who he hasn't seen in two years. He was so nervous that I couldn't help laughing in excitement.  

I just spent a month away from home with my parents and my doctor. I didn't get to escape my health. I had to think about it every day, like I have been for the past two years. Being away from home was refreshing, but I'm still stuck with my personal reality no matter where I am. No, I can't do as this meme says. What I can do is choose to focus my energies on conversations not related to my health. I can choose to enjoy my environment and surroundings. I can choose to put a smile on to greet others, even when I'm grumpy from feeling sick. It isn't easy. In fact, smiling can be really very difficult. But it's worth it. If other people can see that you're making the best of life, they'll respond positively and help you feel like a normal person.  

I needed to write this post, because I need to savor this time that I have a clear head. Treatments helped so much, and I've regained enough mental clarity to think without the influence of anxiety. My goodness, I fought some scary bad anxiety attacks on this trip. When trapped in an anxiety attack, it isn't possible to see the beauty in life or the positives in my current life situation. I tried so hard to feel some hope, but I couldn't find any hope at all. I was so consumed by fear that I got lost somewhere in my brain and couldn't regain control. I need to write this now as a testament to the fact that the real me isn't an anxious person. The real me can laugh, connect with others, and look forward to the future. The real me isn't self consumed. The sick me is very self consumed and defensive.  

I think it won't be long before I lose this good mood. I'm in a window seat next to two ladies. I don't smell them through my VogMask, but my heart has been palpitating occasionally since we took off. I've been fighting a mild reaction from Detroit's restrooms for a while, but I'm handling it surprisingly well. I'm expecting to start breaking down at some point. I may not, though, because I did just do a lot of heavy detoxing this month and have been rejuvenated with immune system boosting IVs and treatments. I'm also wearing my doctor's personal air purifier, basically just a small unit I wear around my neck that produces negative ions.  

Conclusion: Always take the opportunity to be positive when you're mentally capable. It's hard. Do it anyway. Make the most of the times that you're not consumed with anxiety, depression, brain fog, and pain. A little bit of time feeling like a normal happy person goes a long way. But do not deny your chronic illness. Do not pretend it doesn't exist. Most importantly, you need to protect your health and sanity so you can have the good times. There wont be good times if you don't take care of yourself.