Fine, I'll Talk About It

Hello blog, my old friend. It's been a while.

I'm not entirely sure I even want to write this blog post, but I thought that perhaps it would help me. (Edit: It didn't. But I'm publishing since I wrote it.) 

It isn't so much the pandemic or the election. It's the way people are reacting to both. People are emitting intense energy everywhere I go: work, grocery store, online forums, online games, etc. This energy is so stimulating and taxing that it's draining my own. I'm hiding away inside myself to protect my precious little energy from the storm, while observing and analyzing the people around me. I'm taking it all in and internalizing it, not expressing myself very often. If I was healthy I'm sure I would enjoy being engaged in the debates with others. The person I used to be would have joined in the fight. The person I am now that I'm sick can't be the same as before, however, because I would fall apart rapidly. As the wisest people in my life have told me, I need to nurture myself first. All this internalizing might be causing me some unnecessary stress that I'm not fully aware of. A couple of my health care practitioners have told me my body is expressing a lot of stress and they've asked about my emotions. I think I'm subconsciously suppressing my emotions as a defense mechanism that I don't have control over right now. 

The truth is that I'm emotionally numb, which is a sign I'm not taking care of myself. I'm often acting when I am talking to people, which is frustrating me because I'm a very genuine and sincere person. There are only a few select people that I'm able to be totally myself with, and it's a huge relief to be in their presence, but even then I'm more comfortable just listening to them (thankfully a couple of them are my co-workers!) I'm going to have to dig far to pull the emotions out of myself. I've been living one moment at a time. I'm following the news, I'm reading the facts, and I'm listening to what people around me are saying. I know what's going on around me. I'm just not reacting to it, and that's not healthy. I know it. So... am I ready to react here, to this blog? I feel like I'm acting just writing this. I'm so dissociated. 

*Deep breath*

I feel like every camp or ideology I've been aligned with is getting turned upside down and shaken out. I don't recognize the political parties anymore, and I've struggled to find my values in any candidate. I'm Roman Catholic and agree with many liberal values, but I'm not like Joe Biden. I have often voted Republican, but there haven't been any Republican candidates worth voting for (except for my governor, and he's disappointed me in the past couple of months.) I don't feel represented. I'm happy Trump will no longer be president, but I'm not happy with his replacement. If I explore my feelings on the election, I find myself just compromising. "Well Sarah, at least he'll take Covid seriously and that's really important. He'll protect our National Parks, I hope. He'll listen to scientists about our crazy tap water crisis. He has potential to do good." If Trump had won I would have made compromises too. But the more I dig for my feelings, the less I care. It's just not worth my precious little energy. I am very passionate about my concerns, and the president isn't going to affect my ability to advocate for what's right. I can do good and right things in my little corner of the universe. I can focus on what I have control over. I voted. I had my say. I was really quick to accept the outcome and move forward. Time to refocus on my actual life. 

What I'm really struggling with politically isn't the presidential election at all. Again, it's how people are reacting to it. I've been watching people act as if we're all going to hell or getting saved from hell. It's so incredibly extreme. When I see Trump flags, hats, and t-shirts I feel overwhelmed. When I see people celebrating that Trump is not going to be president anymore, I zone out. So why can't I just ignore it? Because people keep attempting to engage with me in aggressive ways. I wouldn't mind a civil discourse when I'm not at work and feeling decent, but my experience here in North Dakota has been overwhelmingly hostile (not physically violent, but verbally pushy.) I have had several of my customers preach to me about how Trump is some sort of Messiah figure for the world. What triggers them to preach to me? Me wearing a mask or sanitizing. They started out by telling me their opinions on Covid, which, after some time and a whole lot of words, led to statements such as, "So you better have voted for Trump!" Each time I just shut down. I felt myself just go black inside, going still and quiet. I'm happy to work and sell them what they need, but it's completely uncalled for to lecture me about political preferences for doing my job. No one has been this aggressive with me about voting for Biden. It's only Trump supporters. 

Politics are so intertwined with Covid that it's impossible to separate the two anymore. My observation is that Trump supporters have been rallied and trained to fight. They're soldiers in the Trump army. I hear so many of them preach about media misinformation, quack scientists, liberal propaganda, and socialism. Maybe there's some truth in some of it, but I don't respond to the aggression they use to preach about it. They don't want their freedoms taken away, so they join a movement in which they all follow this Messiah figure as their leader. This Trump Messiah guy tells them masks are harmful, Covid is not a problem, and it's okay that people are dying. So they fight like soldiers in his army and fight against any Covid mitigation strategy. Instead of rising to the occasion of managing a world-wide crisis in the USA, they decide to belittle anyone who wants to.

Yesterday a regular customer of mine, someone who loves to tell me how sweet I am and always wanted a hug, yelled at me. Our governor implemented a state wide mask mandate at 10 pm the night before, and we were asked to kindly and gently enforce it with our customers. We asked her if she would please wear a mask, and she said no and kept walking into the store. She then yelled at us, me specifically at points, about how we have bought into the mask propaganda and were not only wrong, we're dangerous. I said several times, "It's state mandate now, we're doing what we're told, we want to keep our business open, we don't want to get fined..." and I was only met with very hostile verbal attacks in return. No problem solving, just accusing us happily of doing our jobs well.

*Big sigh* You know, 95% of my customers yesterday were really good about wearing masks. They didn't complain. They knew it was necessary, so they wore it and shopped normally. They're awesome. They help life go on as normally as possible while showing respect for each other. But the rest...

What happened? What caused people to be so verbally aggressive towards each other? How is it that Trump harnessed this rage in people and formed them into soldiers? I'm not saying Liberals are without problems too - oh I certainly have had my fair share of issues with them too. But since Covid began it's really only been Trump supporters that have been harassing me about Covid. So guess what? They're the #1 reason I did not vote for Trump. I didn't vote for Biden either, but that's not the point here and requires some explanation about my morals and how I live in North Dakota and my non-Trump vote doesn't matter one bit. I don't respond well to manipulation, aggression, and harassment. Maybe I even like some of what Trump has done for the USA! It doesn't matter. I will not tolerate a leader of an army of people who threaten my safety. 

My mind is blown. I think I might be in some level of shock. I really genuinely do not understand why it's such a problem to simply just wear a mask properly in public places. I understand there are some side effects for deaf people, certain people with breathing troubles, people who have been raped and muzzled, etc. Of course we can accommodate these people safely while everyone else wears a mask. The masks mandates are not designed to be inhumane, they're designed to save human lives. We're a creative and innovative people, right? Let's be problem solvers. Let's make sure everyone is cared for, not suppressed. 

I struggle with air hunger from time to time. My respiration rate averages around 17-18, which is on the high side. I've never had a problem with a mask suffocating me. Maybe it's because I've taken the time to find the right masks for me. I've experimented until I found ones that fit properly, don't move too much when I talk, and are breathable. Maybe other people buy any mask available and it doesn't fit them well and so their breaths are stifled. Maybe. That's not an excuse. You have to buy clothes in your size if you want to wear them, right? Find a mask that fits you if you want to wear it. 

Is it so important to be right that you're willing to risk harming other people? Really? You'd rather not wear a mask and possibly be the reason someone gets infected and dies? You're honestly willing to take that chance? You're so sure you're right that you're willing to yell at other people, an action which spreads Covid most easily? Do you really want to kill or die for this this cause? Is it really worth it? Seriously, stop thinking about the unscientific claim that 99.98% of Covid patients survive. Millions have died. Are you honestly okay with being the reason one single person has died from Covid? You're seriously willing to do something that could kill a person? All just to be free? Because you really believe you're entitled to your freedom at the cost of a fellow citizen's life? Are you at war? Can you justify your war? I challenge you to take a long hard look at your core values if you really are comfortable not wearing a mask around other people right now. And even if you are comfortable, do you have so little empathy for others that are, with very good reason, uncomfortable if you don't wear a mask? I'm not some wimpy snowflake who's afraid to die. I can put up a good fight if I need to, and death isn't what scares me. But I really don't want to get Covid, and I really don't want you to give it to me. I'm not wrong to want my freedom to be in public as safely as possible. 

Okay... I don't know if this has been good for me or not. I'm agitated. I need to shift gears:

To all of you who have been good-natured, loving, empathetic, joyful, compassionate, caring, and supportive through this Covid and Election crisis... Thank you SO MUCH! I know many people who are not convinced masks are the right solution, but wear them without complaint anyway because they know it makes everyone around them more comfortable. I know people who have gone out of their way to create solutions for masks so they accommodate more people. I know people who have been willing to buy and deliver for high risk people. I know people who have organized supplies for people in need during this crisis. To all of you problem solvers: THANK YOU SO MUCH! Seriously, you're the reason I have hope for humanity. 

I'm so thankful for all of you making the effort to not spread Covid so that we can keep our businesses open. I don't want to shut down. I want to keep working. I want the small local health store I work for to thrive. And I really really don't want to get Covid. 

My Messiah is Jesus Christ. I believe he gave us brains to problem solve, and it's our faults if we don't use them to survive this world. 

...And now for a baking soda bath to calm down my super itchy rashes all over my body.