PMS is Torture

Extra long PMS

OMG



This was captured 2 days before my period started, so I had a 43 day cycle. I'm used to PMS being awful. I'm not used to PMS lasting 2.5 weeks, give or take a day or two because I think my symptoms began with what was actually ovulation. Ovulation just came late, so it was difficult for me to tell at the time.

It started with the mood change, cravings, and skin issues (acne, large pores, looking pale and malnourished.) The cramping set in after a week of that, then the bloating and heaviness in my gut. My mood issues came with feeling very withdrawn, not wanting to engage with people. After 1.5 weeks of this, thinking my period was due, I started to get the rest of my PMS symptoms. The breast tenderness, bowel pain, ovaries feeling like they're twisting and sending shooting stabbing pains down my legs to my knees, worsened insomnia with angry dreams, joint pain, fibromyalgia aches in all my muscles, disturbed vision, much weaker and more dizzy, very increased resting heart rate... it was like a 2nd PMS. That lasted for an additional week of torture.

The reason I'm reporting all of this is because it's so important to say how PMS can be just as bad as the period itself, if not worse. I actually dread PMS more than my period now. My mood was dark - so dark that I started to have suicidal thoughts (I wasn't planning anything, just thinking about how death would be an exit... this isn't abnormal, unfortunately.) I was too weak to accomplish anything, and too mentally blank and emotionless to enjoy anything. I spent about a week doing nothing - I couldn't do anything. I hated people, hated myself, didn't have a way to pass the time that made me happy, could hardly force myself to get anything like chores done... I was in this limbo, and I was ready to snap.

I do believe I have PMDD. Doctors have suggested it, but it's not officially diagnosed, I don't think. I'd have to read my charts to see if they put it down as an issue. PMDD is PMS on steroids, but it's classified as a psychological issue. PMDD is about the mood disorder that comes with PMS, mainly how the person so negatively relates to other people during PMS. It's not that I can't be nice or sincere, it's not that I'll be mean to you or blow up at you. It's that I seriously don't have the spirit to talk to anyone, listen to anyone, or even tolerate myself. I need interactions to be very short, very to the point, and almost mechanical - just do your business and be done with me.

You can't say I didn't try hard to manage this. I took my methylated vitamins, loaded up on vitamin D, my hormone balancing herbs, my bio identical progesterone cream, went to acupuncture and chiropractor each week, ate mostly blood building foods, exercised as I was capable, took lots of hot ginger baths, took my calming and cortisol suppressing herbs as needed, had a lot of alone time away from people... no one can say I didn't try hard.

My period *FINALLY* came last Saturday ALLELUIA! I had to call in sick to work... again. I have no control over this, which is why I chose to be very upfront and honest about this issue during my interview for this job.

My period was very painful, as expected. Remember how I had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and remove endometriosis? I'm not sure what it actually accomplished, aside from an official diagnosis. In fact, PMS has been worse than I'm used to since the surgery. I had 2 periods that were not very painful or heavy after the surgery, but then they went back to heavy and painful. The PMS, though? OMG.

But guess what? Yesterday, Sunday, the day after my period started, I felt SO MUCH RELIEF. I found myself wanting to talk to my husband. I messaged friends and laughed. I got some housework done. I shoveled the driveway! I didn't feel strong. I fought my POTS symptoms pretty hard a few times. But I mentally felt good. I wanted to be a part of my family again. I wanted to engage with people. I felt human! My period has become the remedy to PMS, when it used to be that my period was the scariest most dreaded part of my month.

From my Oura Ring.

(Note: The Oura is actually pretty bad at detecting when I wake up. I tend to lay in bed for an hour or longer after waking to find my strength and get up. It tends to show I get an hour or more of light or REM sleep than I do because of this. I need to learn to take it off once I'm awake to get better readings.)

This night was a week before my period started, but it's the best example I had from that week of what PMS was doing to my sleep. Most other nights had very choppy data, as if the ring couldn't read me for 30 min to an hour at a time during the night. Which tells me there's an issue... not sure if it's with the ring being unable to keep up with me, or if the ring wasn't tight enough because I was too cold.


And then my period started. Brachycardia! Whoa. The only time I see a heart rate below 60 is the night after my period starts. This has been consistent in all my recordings this year. Even my ZioPatch from my Neurologist showed the same thing. My Fitbit Alta 2 actually said I got down to 57, but I'm not expecting perfect accuracy from either device. I just get to see a general idea of my body's changes.



So to any of you women who tell me I focus way too much on my period and I need to learn to just push through it... well part of me really wants to get rude and nasty and tell you to **** off. But I'd rather just be understood, build empathy and compassion, and have your support.

And no, I refuse birth control. There is no way I'm going to take non-bio identical synthetic "hormones" that shuts down my production of real natural hormones and makes my body think it is pregnant long term. I don't want the very long list of side effects, especially the ones that will exacerbate my other conditions. It does not manage endometriosis very well - just ask the support groups I'm in with 20k women. The fact of the matter is that PMS has never been as bad as it has been since that surgery. Will synthetic hormones really fix that problem?

Anyway, now that I got this post off my chest, I want to go back to enjoying being myself! Hopefully for 3 weeks this time!

Day by day by day by day...

Oh to be me.

What is a like to be a 31 year old woman with chronic illness? Here are some snippets from my life lately:

Today I went to my local food co-op because the fridge was getting to be too empty. I felt tired, worn down, but thought I could handle a 40 minute round trip out of the house. I get the store, start shopping, the next thing I know I can't stand up in one spot without starting to see the blackness forming on the peripherals of my vision. My legs started to shake and tingle. I decided there was no sense in sitting down on the floor of the store, so I decided to just keep walking. That worked. I learned I could make it as long as I kept moving, so I couldn't stop to look at products, just had to grab as I walked by. I made about 3 laps around the store to shop this way. And guess what? They were completely out of the few things I needed most! A normal person might shrug it off and go to a different store before heading home. Me? My energy was spent. Had to go home without what I needed.

...That's a big reason why I shop online as much as I do. Except that I never received one of 3 boxes from my Vitacost order. I need to sort that out, but do I really have to put the energy into it? Seriously? Why can't it just sort itself out like magic and let me just sit here zoning out?

The cashier asked me how I was doing. I bluntly, with no tact or thought, said, "Not good, I didn't sleep last night." She asked if I was stressed and I said, "No, I just have a chronic illness and it decided to flare last night." She didn't have much else to say to me after that. lol. Poor cashier.

Why didn't I sleep last night? Oh, because PMS decided to start, and I was in full bitch mode. At 2 am. I wasn't upset about anything, nothing to be angry at. No person was irritating me. My mood just decided to be as aggressive and irritable as possible, which kept me up, tossing and turning. Then when I was sleeping here and there my dreams were very aggressive. I dreamed about my friend who attempted to commit suicide several months ago, which woke me up because I felt stressed out about it. I never really recovered from her telling me she failed her attempt.

I woke up to throbbing shoulder muscles, shooting and pins and needles pains in my legs, and adrenaline pounding through me.

And I realized how this is pretty much how every day goes for me, but it's so much worse during the winter. I'm never really sure if I'll sleep. I'm never really sure if I'll feel decently. I'm never really sure if I'll have the energy to be able to hold a conversation. I'm never really sure if my depression will let me actually care about what someone is telling me. I just have to figure out what I need to do with myself, moment by moment.

So what's the problem? Well I found a ton of mold growing on my new windows, for starters. Winter condensation that freezes when it's below zero outside causes it.  The outside temperature went from -6 degrees to 47 degrees within a day, and we all know how the barometric pressure messes me up. We did just shampoo the downstairs carpets with Biokleen shampoo, which I didn't react to while doing it, but later got a mild version the hives around my eyes that citrus essential oils tends to give me. Plus we disturbed all that dirt in the house. I also went to church. Perfume! And then my monthly cycle just hit the worst phase... and I've been spotting, so who knows, maybe I'm anemic or something. I seem to be very prone to Blood Deficiency.

You see, I just can't win, especially not in the winter. When I feel decently it's purely by chance.



So...

If I spent my entire day playing video games on my phone, so what? At least I'm engaging with people there. At least I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if progress in that game doesn't affect my real life in any way. At least I'm mentally stimulated rather than just rotting away watching TV. I can't just watch TV, I need to be engaged with something, and video games work perfectly when I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm often pretty bad at the game because I don't have the mental energy to think through what I'm doing, but it is what it is.

I will work at my job, do chores, and contribute to society when I'm capable. I have days when I'm just not capable. A lot of days. I'm not lazy. It's not an addiction to video games. I just can't function normally. Believe me, I'd much rather be raising children, own my own business, going out with friends, working towards buying our own house. I have to deal with these desires every day. If I were lazy, I wouldn't want to be living my life fully. I'd be happy to just settle in to a fun addiction rather than working on progressing in life.

So let me leave you with this article about environmental toxicants causing depression, pain, and chronic fatigue.