Stop Watering the Fake Plastic Trees

I moved back home to North Dakota. I'm 38, living with my parents in their basement, and went back to my former job that I loved. I came home without my husband. I'm happier than ever. Purging the stress of my life has been incredibly healing for me. It's not curing me of my diseases, but my ability to live with disease is improving immensely. 

The phoenix of the Northern Lights directly over my house! I have never seen it with my own eyes until now, and I'm treating it as a sign that I can finally see my life clearly.

My priority in life is building peace, meaning reducing stress.

What motivates you to carry on in life? In my experience, people tend to answer status, wealth, skills, education, building an empire, or anything that gives people pride and a sense of accomplishment. These things are not my primary motivators in life. I'm not saying they're not important and that they don't motivate me at all, but I have learned that I don't wake up daily with motivation to keep advancing in these areas until I have my other basic need met. My basic need is peace in my personal life. What motivates me above all else is building a life of peace.

What peace means to me is having a consistent, stable, secure relationship with my loved ones. Peace means putting energy into building meaningful connections with people I love and care for and having it reciprocated. It also means not living with daily stress over things I have to accomplish, but instead flip it around so that the daily things I have to accomplish come from love and joy. I want my peace to come from a healthy marriage, because I'm built for marriage. I'm highly motivated to do work, chores, or tasks, or whatever for those I love. When it's for love, it's not stressful, it's purposeful. I'm quick to give my time, energy, and money for those I love. Because this is my nature, I need to be very careful about only choosing to love those who love me back without draining me. My perception of my marriage was that it was based on managing stress and avoiding conflict, not about building peace together. I did my part of the daily work to keep the peace, not out of love and joy. I need to build peace through deep connection without resistance, meeting each other's needs, and creating joy with each other. That's why living with my parents is working out brilliantly for me now. I love my parents, they love me, they are always consistent, and I feel very at peace here with them. Peace gives me security, and peace and security together are the foundation of what I need to be happy. Being happy because I have peace and security means I feel open and available to pursue my other goals in life without stress. I'm not unusual, especially for women, but I'm spelling it out like this because I think it needs to be said so plainly. So many people like me are trapped by looking for satisfaction through their work and status, not by looking for peace and security by loving relationships. My satisfaction in my work means nothing to me if I don't have peace at home with those I love.

My relationships have been in poor health for years due to my high stress level and lack of peace. My stress level was so high because my basic needs were not being met, and all the stress caused me to freeze up while waiting for my needs to be met. Years went by in which I felt frozen, in waiting, starving for love and connection, but feeling trapped and unable to build love and connection. My relationships with my friends and family all suffered because I felt too frozen up and unable to act. I also acted very defensive, dismissive, uncaring, rude, and distant because of it. My stress was so high that I couldn't give any of myself to anyone. I didn't like who I was or how I was acting, and I knew the stress was ruining me. I needed to end the stress and find peace again so that I could start to love again. I had to move home and live with my parents to end the stress. And over the past few months I've felt myself enjoying the company of people again. I've been able to be patient with people again, instead of defensive and dismissive. I really need peace in the foundation of my life, and I really needed to free myself from people and situations that drain my peace and caused me stress. 

It's not just unresolved relationship stress that destroys my peace. I've been learning how everything artificial degrades my peace. I've known for years to avoid artificial fabrics in my clothes and artificial ingredients in my food, because they make me feel sick. I'm finding it's also the same with artificial relationships, artificial information, artificial intelligence, artificial art, and so on. All the fake information, half-truths, synthetic images and videos, and misguided propaganda on social media and news media is enough to make me sick. The trouble is, it's making everyone around me sick too, and it's poisoning my relationships with real people. It's difficult to hold conversations with people when they think they are educated because of everything they absorb from social media, but aren't interested in hearing other information or points of view. I really value the scientific process and critical thinking skills so we can find the truth on any matter. I want to live in truth. I really enjoy speculation, theory, and creative fictions when they're properly labeled as such. What I can't stand, however, are lies that are told as if they are the truth. Living in these times that are dominated by lies makes it difficult to safeguard my peace, but I can do it as long as I live an honest life at home with my loved ones. (I'm not leaving social media, because there's still so much good it does, but I learned to stop engaging with lies. I unfollow, and move on. I love to learn about the local community through facebook. I enjoy following my friends. I like to learn from trusted people. I like the private support groups. There is a lot of good on social media, but it's getting overrun with a lot of artificial and misinformation.)

So instead of wasting time scrolling through all the deception and energy-draining propaganda on TV and social media, I'm choosing to use my personal time on playing single-player video games, reading books, drawing, listening to music, stretching, going for walks, doing chores that keep my space organized and clean, cooking new things, reading scientific articles (I love National Geographic), and so on. I'm trying to choose peace over anything that amplifies my stress. I'm choosing activities that require focus, not contribute to my brain rot. I'm choosing to spend time with people who can hold a conversation without distraction or looking at their phones, talk honestly and from their hearts, and also want connection instead of just to use me. 

I need PEACE. I don't need to live a life constantly on-guard against lies, manipulation, expectations that don't align with me, and indulging in junk entertainment and junk food. 

So all that said... 

Did I make the right choice to leave my stressful life behind so that I could work on my peace? Is it helping me manage my health issues? Is my health improving at all?

I wrote in my last post that yes, I'm seeing improvement in some areas with my health. I'm not profoundly better, but I'm not crashing as hard when I spend energy. I'm working harder at work than I have in years, and I do come home and have a crash, but they're not as serious as they used to be. I'm able to find the strength to get up and prepare a meal for myself and eat. My heart rate is still jumping up really high when I get up too fast, I'm still experiencing vertigo very easily, I'm still sweating like crazy at random times, my finger tips still go numb randomly, I'm still having adrenaline attacks at night that wake me up violently, and so on. I did really well for a couple of months when I first moved back here, but I think that was my body letting down and relaxing. Now that I'm working again and trying to keep up more of a routine, I'm having more symptoms. But I can see that I'm a lot more resilient because I'm not spending energy I don't have on stress or people. 

Another factor is that my anxiety is gone. I'm calm. I'm not worried about anything. I'm rational, focused on each moment, and not drowning in thoughts. I'm feeling a lot more creative, curious, patient, and interested. I'm not on the defense anymore. I'm not trying to always prove myself. I'm just me, in this moment, calm and collected. 

Something that concerns me very much, however, is the intense gut pain I keep having in the same area. Sometimes it's the pain of lasers cutting through me, sometimes it's sharp razor blades, and sometimes it's a giant sword through my entire gut. I don't know if it's endometriosis, actual gut problems, scar tissue, or something else. It's been intense enough and frequent enough to make me consider seeing a specialist. We'll see. My new Medicare plan begins in January. 


On another note, I found a tea mug that I really love! As you might know, I drink tea all day long.
Amazon.com: DOPUDO Glass Tea Cup with Infuser and Lid, 17.6oz/520ml Large Borosilicate Teacup,Tea Glass, Clear Mug for Loose Leaf Tea, Blooming Tea, Microwave & Dishwasher Safe - Tea Maker Gift for Birthday : Home & Kitchen

I've been trying to avoid using metal in my loose leaf tea, because metal can deactivate some herbal properties. My acupuncturist taught me that, thankfully. I got a little frustrated with the Rishi paper bags for tea, so this pure glass solution is solving all of my tea problems. 

(All ingredients listed below are organic and from Frontier Co-op unless otherwise stated. I buy them from my work place, where we have a huge wall of bulk herbs that I can buy by the weight. So I usually buy $2 or less of each at a time. I don't use exact measurements either, usually just a large pinch of each.)

My favorite winter-time tea has been: 

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Ceylon Cinnamon

Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

  

And my favorite evening-time tea has been:

Blue lotus flower (Anima Mundi brand)

Butterfly Pea Flower

Lemon balm

Damiana 
Mt. Capra Mineral Whey Powder (I add this to the mug, not the strainer)

But right now I need some caffeine and I'm cold, so I made:

Indian green tea

Cut and sifted ginger

Cloves

Coconut flakes

Redmond Real Salt 

Rhodes - Be The Bird

'Cause you can fly

Be the bird

 Fly away

 See the world

 You'll be the news everybody heard

You'll never lose anything you've learnt

 Just promise me you'll keep going

 Just keep going and I'll keep telling you you're flying

(Radiohead Cover) Gin Blossoms - Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can

For her fake Chinese rubber plant

In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man

In a town full of rubber plans

To get rid of itself

It wears her out

Resurrection / A New Hope

Hello blog!! Yes, I moved. Yes, I have written about it. No, I have not published what I have written. That's not what I want to write about here. I'm not ready to go public about the moving experience yet. 

I moved back to North Dakota 2 months ago. It wasn't possible to stay in SC because that entire situation fell apart. Although there were a few reasons why I chose to return to ND, one of the primary reasons was because I needed to know if I could reclaim my health if I let go of all stress in my life. I came here alone, meaning without my husband, and I'm living in my parent's basement. I'm being taken care of, I don't have the same level of financial stress, I removed myself from the grip of other people's tensions, and I now have the ability to be completely at peace with no intrusions on my peace. I really need to know if I can recover some of my strength in this situation. 

After 3 days of Dad driving the Uhaul, we finally saw Bismarck in the evening. 

So far, it's been an interesting experiment. I have had to do a lot of physical work, but I also don't know if that will ever actually change (or should change.) I had to unpack and build furniture, which took me a while. I'm also helping Dad with some projects. We needed to build a shed, and our backyard isn't flat, so it was certainly a project. I helped with what I was capable of helping with. We drove to Idaho and back to visit my family there. (Yep, within a month, Dad and I drove from SC to ND, then ND to Idaho. So, just a little less than coast-to-coast!) I've stayed really busy. And today I went into my old work place (Terry's!!!) and offered to go back to work, and now I start next Tuesday! Hurray!

Visiting a former job in Boise, ID last month

So keeping in mind that I'm staying busy and active (as much as possible with having ME/CFS and POTS), here are some positive observations:

- I was amazed at how much easier it has been to sleep since coming here, mostly. I've had a few nights of waking up from jolts of adrenaline. A few nights of feeling restless for hours before falling asleep. A few mornings of waking up with a racing heart. A few nights of insomnia. But overall, my sleep has seriously improved. 

- My mind is CLEAR. The anxiety is gone. The depression is gone. The sense of dread is gone. The vibrations of fear that ruled my body are gone. My mind isn't suffocating from too many thoughts racing anymore. Whatever is right in front of me is what gets my attention, and I can focus on it. 

- I'm actually starting to dream about my future, and it's enjoyable and coming to me naturally! 

- I've held my last chiropractic adjustment longer than I expected, considering how crazy everything in my life was. Moving half way across the country, mourning the loss of my birds that I had to rehome, all the physical labor, you get the idea. My last chiropractor was aggressive, but she fixed issues that were probably from my childhood. I do not generally hold adjustments well or for long, but my body is acting more resilient now. That said, yesterday I finally felt sharp pain in my neck that gave me a nasty headache, but there may be more to that.

- I have had a few crashes. In the last 2 months I've had 4 days where I couldn't do anything at all. Many days where I could only work for a couple of hours, but the day wasn't a total waste. That's really not bad for me! That means I've been spending more energy and crashing less often. I have a feeling it's because my mental stress is gone. I'm not wasting energy on the stress of other people. My brain is just calm, clear, happy, and regulating ONLY my own personal energy. And I know this is true because I've had a few instances where I immediately get worse, drained, zoned out, and feeling the old hopeless void when I've had to talk to certain people. 

- My immune system actually seems to be working a little faster. I caught a bug in Idaho and my symptoms developed quickly, and I stayed sick for almost 2 weeks. That's actually a sign my immune system is trying to do its job! I also ate something I was allergic to, and I got hives within an hour, not the next day. Very good!

Ok, but I've also been experiencing classic issues of mine that are not getting any better:

- No temperature regulation! I'm freezing then sweating then freezing then sweating... it's annoying...

- Raynaud's!! My body was red from heat while my fingers were totally numb for a few minutes. 

- My gut caused major neck and shoulder tension that made my teeth feel extra tight. I had to wait a few days for my gut issue to calm down, and all my pain subsided and the tension released. 

- I almost fainted on the toilet last night. I couldn't tolerate being upright. My heart was going to beat out of my mouth and I couldn't catch my breath. I needed to be laying down, but nature called...

- The nerve pain in my heel has been raging again. I'm sure I'm eating too much b6 because I increased how many nuts I'm eating. The solution is to cut back on b6 rich foods again, but the fiber from the nuts is really helping. There's always a problem with every food, it's annoying. 

- The bloating from Endometriosis has been way too severe. Worse than normal. I'm tempted to buy maternity clothes... sigh...

- The sharp razor blade pains in my pelvis has been bothering me more than normal every day. I cannot do certain stretches without feeling intense stabbing pain next to my hip bone. 

So overall, I think this is a lesson that stress levels were making my symptoms worse. The RELIEF I feel has been so healing! I had to start my life over, I had to go through hell to do this. I'll write about that at some point, but I'm enjoying these good feelings too much to revisit that trauma. I do think I'll be able to live a little more than I was before. I think one of the most important decisions I could have made was to choose my own path, alone, and distance myself from that which was heavily draining my energy daily. I was in survival mode for so many years, and it stopped working. I stopped surviving. I had to save my life. I couldn't continue living that life. I had to come home and start over. Going from feeling suicidal for years and only feeling a void in life, to feeling peace and hope and joy... just by leaving a situation that wasn't meant for me. It's incredible.  

It's also just the little things... All of my time belongs to me. I don't have to live by a complicated routine anymore. I choose when to make dinner, how to cook, how to manage my chores, how to keep my space, when to rest and when to move, when to sleep, when to listen to music, when to listen to myself.... My energy belongs to me again. And I'm so looking forward to working again with this renewed vigor (I love my job!) 

Eivor - Let It Come

This Is The End of This Chapter In My Life: I Must Move Again

Nearly 500 layoffs pending as Limestone University on brink of shutdown

Earlier this week I wrote a post about how uncertain my future is. The very next day my husband lost his job because the university he teaches at will be closing. We thought maybe a department or two would close. No, the entire university is closing. They announced this with a sliver of hope, saying if they raise $6 million by Tuesday they can save it. They said may be able to continue as an online-only school. They said this, but they also sent an email terminating all employees and another to help students transfer to other universities. 

This is not surprising because the school was in bad condition, and we had too many signs that it was failing. We were starting to believe that he might get to work there one more year, however, because this announcement is coming at the end of the school year, after all the student transfer deadlines. The jobs at other universities have already been filled for next year. It's too late for anyone to plan. The university claimed they made the announcement this late because they were hopeful that a significant donation was coming to them, but the donation fell through and they will not receive it. That's fine, but they should have been transparent. They should have been giving the state of the university throughout the whole year. They were dead silent. In fact, they even hired a professor a few months ago, who moved here and bought a house that she won't get to live in now. It's unconscionable, disrespectful, and morally corrupt of them to treat all their faculty, staff, and students this way. 

This means that my husband is scrambling to find a job. He has been applying for new jobs all year long, and even had interviews that were very promising. The trouble is that universities across the nation are closing in very high numbers, so the amount of professors and graduates applying for the same jobs is staggering. He's competing against 200+ applicants for any low-paying job that pops up. Higher education is falling apart rapidly. Between the demographic cliff (too few 18 year olds because our birth rate has plummeted), the extreme high cost of education, and very low salaries... higher education isn't an attractive option anymore. It's actually a very risky option, because there is no guarantee that a degree will help anyone earn enough money to pay off the cost of the degree and keep a roof over their head at the same time.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/the-decline-of-the-college-educated-american-man/ar-AA1yUqcI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=U531&cvid=ad27872cfce64626892ef3954d422e2a&ei=31

So this leaves me in quite the dilemma: Should I stay or should I go?

My husband has a couple of job opportunities he could take, but they don't pay well enough to support us both. They both require moving to cities nearby where rent is quite a bit more expensive. My disability and part-time job income will not help enough. He has his doctorate, he qualifies for jobs that require it, but they don't pay enough to cover basic living expenses. If I join him wherever he goes, I think we'll have to rent a very small and cheap apartment that won't allow my pet birds or even have room to keep half of what we own. There are many problems with a cheap apartment for my health: I can't use shared laundry machines, the smell of other people's fragrances will drift into the apartment and make me sick, I would have to live in noise-canceling headphones, they tend to be moldy and don't get proper repairs, and so on... am I entitled? I don't know, but I do know that my health can't handle it. 

I also have the option of separating from him by moving back in with my parents in their home that is safe for me. Financially, we'd both be better off. If I do this, will I ever see him again? I'll be moving 1,600 miles away. What are the odds of him landing a job that can pay the bills any time soon? You might be thinking about how he should change careers and figure this out. It's not that simple: couples can't survive anymore unless they're both making a decent salary and living frugally, and my income is less than half of his. He doesn't - didn't - make a low salary, and most career changes would not help him earn more money. He might have an easier time finding a job in a different career making the same amount of money, but he is paying for a doctorate in this career field. 

My God... where is the humanity? What happened to our nation? This is a nightmare. 

Happy Easter, everyone. Easter is the ultimate message of hope. Easter is the reminder of why we're living. Easter is the reason to keep fighting and moving forward in this screwed up society that doesn't value human lives. Easter is the meaning of life. 


I think this song is relevant... yes, it's about dating, but isn't job hunting dating too? I view it like jobs are looking for the perfect workers and looking for perfect people to apply. They expect people who are not humans to fulfil their insane and inhumane demands. How bad do they want employees? And will any employer pay enough to live off of, but also hire someone less than perfect? 

You can't convince me that the USA isn't heading towards a major depression if we can't solve this. Wages MUST go up and rent MUST come down. If not, we're all going to be homeless soon. How bad does this country want us to be successful? 

As for me, myself, and I... well... I'm lucky to have family who loves me and can help me. I'm lucky to have as much health as I do have, considering I was completely bed ridden at one point in my life. I just want to surround myself with people who can still find the beauty in being alive so we can somehow survive this nightmare. If it's societal collapse, I just want to be with people who love me. If it's the apocalypse, then all I can say is that it's about time. Good riddance. We've trashed this planet, we've trashed society, we've trashed the ability to have a future... I will do my part to try to save this planet and be able to have a future, but if it all collapses, so be it. I'm exhausted. I want to live a life in which it's actually possible to be in love, raise children, and be part of a healthy and functional society. But as it is right now, there's no time or room left for building a loving relationship. Every moment of our lives is pure stress about how to financially survive. 

Stress has kept me from writing

I'm here for a quick update. I realized that the last post I made was about having Covid for the first time, then nothing since. The short answer is that I'm not any worse from Covid, but it took me over a month to get back to my level of normal. It's possible it did mess me up a little, but it's a little difficult to know at this time because stress is my main issue at this point. Since then I have been having stronger allergy symptoms and I got RSV. RSV lasted about month too... I've been sick a lot more often since moving here...

My stress level is so high every day due to issues I can't talk about publicly. It's caused me to fortify myself inside my head. When I do start to talk about it I hear myself getting fearful, negative, and pessimistic quickly. I don't have the energy after work, chores, living in fear and stress, and my husband to come here to write about all the things I want to write about. I think I can't blog until I'm out of this situation and feeling safe and secure again. 

I can explain a little, I'll explain the parts that are public knowledge:

Almost 2 years ago my husband accepted a job in SC, 1600 miles away from "home" (if North Dakota is home now), where our families live. He took the job thinking it was going to finally offer stability, security, and happiness. They offered him the job, knowing how far we had to move to accept it. The short story is that the university that hired him is in a severe financial crisis, and there have been many warnings that he may not have a job next year. They have already cut positions and the salary of all faculty at the university. There have been 4 university presidents in the past 2 years.

We're renting a house that's probably the best (possibility only) deal we will find in the area, and it has mold damage. You may know that part of my story is mold toxicity, and I'm really sensitive to mold. As long as I'm living in mold, it feels kind of pointless to spend money on medical care... and South Carolina is simply just a moldy state. I was worried about that before I moved here. What I didn't expect was that people would be so used to seeing mold in buildings that they don't care to do anything about it.

We've talked about me moving back to North Dakota alone and living with my parents. It's not exactly the easiest thing to do - moving 1600 miles alone when I'm dealing with chronic illness. In almost every plan we make to do it, I have to make some major sacrifices and the expense is a lot. So I've been stalling for as long as possible. The school year is almost over, and my husband doesn't know if he'll get a contract for next year. 

There is more to the story I may talk about some time in the future, but not right now. Needless to say, I've been in survival mode. The easiest way for me to cope is by living moment by moment, taking care of my needs as they come. I enjoy the moments I can. I connect with the safe people in my life. I focus on doing things I love as often as I can afford to. I'm not going blank or numb to all this. I'm just regulating my nervous system by keeping as calm as possible.

It's tough. I'm ok right now, and I do mean that sincerely. Right now I have shelter, food, a job, internet, running water, electricity, clothes, and people who love me. It might be very different in one month from now. 2 months from now I could be living a completely different life. I have no idea. Worst case, I have the ability to fly back to North Dakota and live with my parents. Better case, I have the ability to move my things back to North Dakota too. Even better case, I can keep my pets too. Even better than that case, I win the lottery and become a millionaire and can stop stressing about simply living.

I Finally Caught Covid...

Hurricane Helene... then... Went to Washington DC, and then COVID happened... Yes, I finally caught the dreaded covid. I'm on day 12 of dealing with it right now. I'm going to skip talking about Helene in this post, but it was bad here.

Anyone who knows me knows I thought I was immune to covid, and maybe I was up until now. I never caught it during the pandemic, and I thought it was because of my blood type or genetics or something. They also know that I was afraid to catch covid because it is known to cause POTS, which I already have and I absolutely do not want to make it worse. So when I tested positive I was naturally very scared. Turns out covid has mutated enough, so if I had any naturally immunity before, covid learned how to bypass it. 

Let me back up. Why did I go to Washington DC? My husband was invited to present at a conference in West Virginia, and we decided to stay with a friend who lives in DC so that we could see DC since it was so close. This is how he is. His ambition is so strong that he doesn't expect (or he simply ignores) the reality of his plans to fulfil his ambitions. I'll say a few things about the trip to help you understand my exhaustion: 

It was supposed to be a 6.5 hour drive to DC. That's like driving from Bismarck, ND to Minneapolis, MN, which we did several times. Except that on the east coast you should always add a couple of hours to driving time due to traffic. About 8.5 hours later, after a lot of stop-and-go on the interstate and the need to exit the interstate and drive through towns to avoid crashes on the interstate, we arrived in Harper's Ferry, WV. We stayed in a great little mostly fragrance-free Airbnb. The next morning we wanted to spend 1 or 2 hours being tourists and seeing the sights of this tourist town, but what we quickly discovered was that it was impossible to park anywhere near the attractions unless we paid $20, and we were not going to be there long enough. Also, he was in his dress suit. So we drove through the town, and later a friend told us we honestly saw it all just by driving through, so I don't feel so badly. It was quaint, but just a historical village with a good view of the rivers. 

So we drove to Sheppardstown, WV and I dropped him off at the college where he was presenting. I took my licorice pills with enough green tea that I felt strong enough to go exploring a little on my own. Well, I tried to follow GPS to a park along the river and I ended up going over the bridge and into Maryland. Then I made my way back and had lunch, then went shopping downtown. It was a cute downtown with an herbal shop, a sustainable living farm store, a really cool bookstore, a natural fiber only women's clothing store, a small new apothecary that focused on soaps and salves, a fantasy figurine store... lots of really interesting places. But after all that I was tired, and it was time to go pick up the husband. The trouble was that the husband was feeling sick and not well enough to drive, so I needed to drive us most of the way to DC. He was thankfully able to finish the drive. It was supposed to be 1.5 hours, but it took us about 2. We arrived at the restaurant and met our friends, had a great meal, explored Alexandria and found grass-fed organic gelato, then went back to their place for the night. 

I was too overly stimulated from doing too much, so it was hard to sleep well. My husband slept maybe 2 hours, but he has insomnia issues. But this day was the big DC day! This was the day we needed our energy for! 

Thankfully our friend works in DC, knows how to get around, and was our tour guide. He drove us everywhere (except the two times we needed an uber) and saved us A TON of time and energy. We toured the US Capital building, went to the Library of Congress, went to the Smithsonian Natural History and American History Museums, went to the monument, went to the Cheesecake Factory, went to the Vietnam and Korean war memorials, went to the Abe Lincoln memorial, and then went to the Thomas Jefferson memorial. We arrived back at 11 pm, totally exhausted. I think my experience of this day deserves a blog post because I felt like I was on a pilgrimage and I felt really enlightened by many things I saw. The problem with this day was that I was around so many people from all over the world - the crowds of people (especially in the Natural History Museum) were so thick that it was almost intolerable because it was hard to see much through all the people. 

So you can image all the opportunities I had to catch covid, on top of being worn out and exhausted. And weak from reacting to fragrances and fumes.  

Sunday, the drive home. I woke up with a strong sore throat, but I thought it was just my ME/CFS and I was crashing. I wasn't well. I barely had the energy to load the car with my things. We went out to breakfast and I was able to eat well. I chose to drink coffee knowing I needed the push to help me survive the day. Coffee normally affects me badly because it's too strong and hurts my heart... this barely did much for me. We drove for a while and arrived at Whole Foods midway through the day. I should have been really hungry, but my stomach did not want food. I bought a super light meal of fish and force fed myself, but my throat hurt and my stomach was not happy. Okay, I still thought it's just ME/CFS. Shopping was annoying and difficult. I didn't have it in me to think through much, but we had to buy groceries to stock our fridge with. (Hurricane Helene caused a lot damage and made grocery shopping a major difficulty, so we had to shop in Charlotte the week prior and then chose to shop out-of-town again on the way home.)

We get home, and Monday and Tuesday I felt sick with a sore throat. I wasn't well, but I kept thinking it was just a sore throat and cough from ME/CFS. I went to work at my new job (this will be another new post) on Wednesday, but I wasn't ok. If it were any other job I would have called in sick, but this is a new start-up business with very very few customers so far, so I sat there for 5 hours without talking to anyone. While I was at work I started to get body aches and a fever developed. I was so uncomfortable that I realized it was worse than my normal "feeling sick with ME/CFS" crap. So after work I bought a Covid test kit. Within a few minutes the kit showed a strong line for Covid. After 15 minutes the line was even stronger. 

My symptoms were out of order. I started with the sore throat and cough for 3 days, then developed the body aches and fever (stayed around 100.5, didn't get hotter) for 2 days, then I finally developed the congestion and "head cold" stage which has lasted 7 days so far. I'm still sick right now, but it's just manageable congestion now. I wasn't able to sleep without taking this (it's a clean version of Nyquil made by Genexa) because otherwise it wasn't possible to breathe and my coughing wouldn't stop.  I lost my sense of smell and taste, but not completely. I could taste 20-30% of anything I ate, and mainly just the bitter parts. I had a burger patty and I could only detect the texture of it, I really couldn't taste it. I had horseradish to try and drain my sinuses, and I could feel the heat but I couldn't taste it. I haven't really experienced that before, so it was alarming. 

Covid wasn't as intense as other illnesses I had (H1N1 that caused my POTS is still the worst I've had), but one thing it did do to me that I have not experienced from other illnesses was keep my heart rate up over 100 bpm for 3 days straight. Even at night, my heart rate remained high. My Fitbit and Oura Ring were both giving me a lot of warnings of tachycardia while at rest. This was abnormal for me, even with POTS. I'm used to my HR going down to the 80's while I'm resting, or even crashing low into 50's when I put my feet up. When I'm on my feet I'm usually above 100, yes, but not at rest. So this showed me how hard my body was working to fight Covid, and it does give me some concern. 

My high heart rate was why I wanted to see a doctor for a saline IV. The problem was, Hurricane Helene destroyed the plant in North Carolina that makes the IVs. So the doctors said no, the best thing I can do is drink electrolytes and stay home and rest. 

I got covid really quickly. My husband, on the other hand, didn't develop covid symptoms until 5 days after I started having symptoms. He progressed through it faster than I did. It only knocked him out for 6 days, and I'm on day 12 still with symptoms. 

It's too early to tell how covid is going to affect me long-term. I'm weak and exhausted, I still can't taste much, and I'm still symptomatic. 

Health Requires a Moral Compass to Achieve

I'll start with a recipe for relaxing sun tea:

Fill a tea sachet with equal parts lemon balm, hibiscus, and orange peel until full. 

Put it in a mason jar and fill with filtered water. 

Add allulose to taste. (Optional - sweeteners are not necessary.)

Put it in the sun for several hours. 

Drink it warm from the sun, or put it in the fridge and enjoy iced tea! 

Note: Hibiscus is a very potent flower, and it's not healthy for everyone. It lowers blood pressure and has the power to delay a period or make you bleed extra. I drink it only at the beginning of my cycles away from my periods, otherwise it does mess with my delicate hormones. I cannot drink it when my blood pressure is low, which is frequently. The issue is that I LOVE the flavor! Ha! 

Now onto the post... this one is more philosophical. 

Health is something determined by the mind, body, and soul all working together in unison. If the mind isn't healthy, the soul will be stunted, and the body will not be able to thrive. If the body is not healthy, the soul will ache for the ability to use the body to grow, and the mind will be stunted and held back by physical limitations. If the soul isn't healthy, the mind and body will not find meaning in existence and will stunt the growth of both. All three want to grow in unison. If the mind isn't healthy, the body and soul will strive to get the mind back on track. If the body isn't healthy, the mind and soul pour all their energy into regaining physical health. If the soul isn't healthy, the mind and body both ache and strive for meaning and purpose to feed the soul back to health. 

This is why health is not determined only by things such as your blood pressure, psych eval, or if you go to church. But it is why finding a community that brings your soul peace can lower your blood pressure and encourage a better mental attitude. 

This is why health starts with a good upbringing in a stable family, receiving a quality education, having the opportunity to learn and practice skills, and being loved unconditionally. 

This is why relationships in adulthood either grow our health or poison our health. If you choose a partner that grows with you in love and purpose, your mind, body, and soul all have the fuel they need to be healthy. If you choose a partner that always questions you, discourages you, takes from you instead of giving to you, and abuses your love or commitment then your mind, body, and soul stay stagnate and cannot grow. Health cannot be stagnated, because it must stay in motion along with the process of aging. 

This is why it's necessary to learn how to maintain our health. We must learn the skills of love, empathy, emotional intelligence, spiritual servitude to all of creation, and integrity in order to live a healthy life and inspire health in others. We must learn to be physically active in creation in order to fulfil our purpose and create the connection to creation that our souls rely on. Our bodies need food, sun, water, and fresh air to be healthy. Our minds will wander without direction unless we are connected to healthy communities of people and living in harmony with creation. 

We cannot be individuals. Not really. We own our minds, bodies, and souls, yes. We own our choices, yes. But our existence depends on each other, and our health is determined by each other. If you own land, you impact the health of the surrounding land other people live on. If you drive a car, you impact the air other people breathe in. If you eat food, you poop it out and that impacts the soil or waterways (for better or worse, ha!) If you lose weight, it evaporates into the air other people breathe. You really cannot fully isolate yourself from others, and your actions have an impact on everyone else. 

That's why there are always ripple effects from your choices. Make the ripple a good vibration that helps others live their best lives too. 

This is why we build strong moral compasses: we recognize the impact of our actions on other people, and in turn how our actions affect our own health. 

Life is difficult. It really is. None of this is easy. It's really difficult to live in harmony with ourselves, others, and all of creation. We develop ambitions that blind us to the needs of others. We don't grow past childhood, when all that mattered was living to be happy and carefree. We hold onto anger against people who caused injustice, and we confuse passion for retaliation with that spiritual purpose we all need for healthy growth. We learn not to trust each other, so we close ourselves off to the connection with others that helps our souls to grow. We learn to focus on meeting our own needs to survive, meaning we never develop the skill of love for others, meaning we fail our relationships, and in turn fail our children. Our children are not born into environments where they learn what it means to be healthy, nor given the skills to achieve health in the mind, body, and soul. Life is very very difficult. 

What I see in our current post-modern civilization is a globalized world led by people who learned how to achieve ambitions, but have not learned the skills needed to be a loving and connected person. How can our leaders be mentally or spiritual healthy when they lost sight of how to connect with others? How can a person in poor mental and spiritual health led others?

I believe this is why we have so many broken families. I believe this is why we created an economy that relies on every individual person working full-time, instead of focusing on building families that raise our children. I believe this is why we created a society that has no problem with slave labor, keeping people in poverty, and feeding everyone very low-quality unhealthy food. As a result, the birth rate is plummeting. The health of people, especially those in the USA, is dramatically plummeting. Haven't we learned that humans only thrive in communities? If we don't take care of each other and instead we continue to exploit each other, then we're not going to be able to maintain the civilization we built because there won't be enough humans left to do it. 

But it's not easy. It's not something we can simply fix. 

The most powerful thing you can do to help restore the health of fellow humans is to be healthy yourself. Make a commitment to your own health. Start with the foundation: love your family by always encouraging the best for them, choose healthy foods and time in nature for your own body, and stop losing your mind to all the distractions that don't help it grow. Be the change you want to see the in the world. Humans thrive on community, but it takes healthy individuals to create community. 

I know, without a doubt, that my physical illnesses are impacted by the people I choose to invest in. Yes, I get tired and need to rest after laughing with people I love, but it feeds my soul and I feel at peace while I recover. When I'm instead drained by poor interactions, such as arguments or listening to complaints from unhealthy people, I have to protect my mind and soul from the corruption while I recover, which leaves me more tired and takes me longer to recover from. When I feel attacked and disrespected, I feel myself growing very icy cold, my fingers and toes get numb, my throat grows hoarse, my vision blurs and I get tunnel vision (literally in my sight, not in my thoughts), my teeth clench and it's very hard to open them to speak, my gut gives me really sharp pains, and more. All my physical health issues intensify, and then I have to recover for a long time from that. This is why I'm extremely careful about who I choose to spend time with. This is why I give my energy to people really carefully. But when I'm with my people and I'm feeling connected and happy, it's so much easier to endure my chronic illnesses. Seriously, it's really incredible. 

We have to love each other. We have to develop moral compasses. We have to make choices that only feed the health of all of creation. We have to learn about each other and how nature works. We have to make educated choices to make moral choices. If we don't collectively do this as a society, we're going to fail each other. 

I know I'm guilty of complaining a lot based on my anger that people don't choose to be better. I have to learn how to be better, that's where I need all of you to teach me too. We all have to be the change we want to see in the world. We have to put out the vibrations other people need to grow on, because we're going to vibrate simply just by existing. Choose healthy growth for everyone over preventing others from healthy growth to feed your own ambition or emotions. 

I really love people, and it really hurts me to see people ruin each other because they don't know how to be healthy. I don't want to live behind a bubble to protect myself. I want to be a part of this world reclaiming health, love, families, and true joy from the connection with creation. 

Now I'm quite tired, but I'm going to go sit in my sauna because I feel my blood stagnating too much. Then I'll relax and recover for the rest of the day. 

Inhaler - If You're Gonna Break My Heart 

(This is Bono's son, Eli Hewson. This is his band. He looks like Bono and occasionally sounds really similar to Bono. This brings me a lot of joy, haha.) 

We woke up faded

From the shape of the night

Couldn't find the words

Couldn't find the light

We got caught in the tide

And the shore was on the other side

There's no other way around up or down

When the sun shines on my insides

If you're gonna break my heart

Smash it to pieces

'Cause I'm not gonna need it

As much as I do right now

Right now, ooh

I showed you mercy

You gave me murder

I got your ten tonne monkey

Jumpin' up on my back

We got caught in the ride

Of bein' young and alive

There's no other way around up or down

But some nights, yeah, that's alright

If you're gonna break my heart

Smash it to pieces

'Cause I'm not gonna need it

As much as I do right now

Say what you're gonna say anyway

Nothing really means as much as you do

I should be on my way but I can't help

Waitin' for you

One Year and 2 Months Since Moving Here Update

I have a list of things I feel are worth blogging about, but I sit down to write and I can't find the energy to pull them from my head and type them into words. I want to write about how I discovered a new food that I can eat and benefit from. I want to write about how to buy meat, especially when it's difficult to find quality meat where you live. I want to write about how the culture of your local community affects personal health, and the ripple effect that poor health has (this is a story about a stray dog.) I want to write about my new Fitbit and faucet, both of which make my life easier! I want to write about my thoughts on the movie Common Ground, the sequel to Kiss The Ground. 

The reality is that I'm feeling stuck in perpetual exhaustion. Each day I'm striving to just keep up with the emotional turmoil in my head, the physical demands of my weak body, and the chores around the house. I feel like I'm constantly waiting, so I can't start a project or do anything because I just have to wait, but what am I waiting for? I have no idea. The problem is, when I'm doing things, I feel like I have to rush and do them as fast as possible. I'm sure my adrenals are shot again. I think it would help to have a job so I could have some sort of routine or rhythm in my life to help me pace. Searching for a job has been a nightmare here - my options are all physically demanding for very low pay. I've been applying for jobs, but I've never been invited for an interview. Maybe it's because I'm asking for more than $9/hr and only part-time hours? There is a serious lack of part-time jobs here - the work culture here is very "all or nothing." Work-life balance? That isn't a concept here. I also think I'm judged for being from the north. There's a strong dislike of all the northerners and Californians moving in, and my accent gives me away. 

There is a war inside my head that is seriously taxing me. I have major life decision fatigue, and my inability to take action to fix my life is making me feel worthless. Half of me believes I need to snap out of this slump, pull myself together, and go work any job I can get just like other people do. The other half of me knows my health is too poor to actually do that, and it won't solve my problems because not being healthy enough to do the work will make me feel even worse about myself. This half of me keeps coming up with philosophical reasons why all people, even sick people, have value and shouldn't be expected to be worker bees when they're not able to be. This side of me keeps finding peace with my situation, but then my husband comes home from work and we talk about how tight our money is, and I start to spiral back into the guilt of not helping to earn money. I don't know how to enjoy being me if I feel like I'm not contributing, and he makes a lot of comments about how I'm not earing money. And I spiral back down the whirlpool of despair. How can I be at peace? 

I am on disability, so I am contributing. But is it enough? I do the laundry. I clean the house. I wash all the dishes every day. I run the small errands in town. I cook most dinners. I work myself to exhaustion every day just by trying to keep up with chores. But is it enough? Am I enough? Am I loveable when this is the best I can do? If I'm only loved for what I can do, then I feel like I'll always be a disappointment. I want to be loved for who I am, how I love, and how much better I make life. 

If I felt settled down, I would honestly consider starting a hobby farm with goats and chickens. I like people, but I don't meet the crazy high demands of people. I used to be able to before I got sick. It's not because I'm lazy - I used to thrive from doing physically demanding jobs for long hours. I enjoyed the work too. I miss feeling and actually being CAPABLE. Life would be so much better if I could just use my body and work! But, I have to deal with my reality: my body can't make enough energy, and I get dizzy and weak from using the energy I do make. And I'm not settled down at all. I do not expect to have a long-term situation here in South Carolina. 

I feel like these blog posts are becoming very repetitive, but my head is very repetitive. I'm stuck. I need to get broken out of this cycle of despair. 

I do have positive things to write about, I promise! I'll try. But not right now. I need to lay down. 

I hope that these blogs serve as some sort of record of how awful life is for those of us with ME/CFS. Let this help someone somewhere feel less alone...