To the Skeptics Who Want Me Off My Supplements...

It's amazing how quickly the mental and brain symptoms come back when I don't take my supplements. I've only been taking my supplements on days I work so that I can manage my job, but I'm trying to keep off of them as much as possible so I'm prepared for doctor visits (whenever they finish reviewing my referral.) This is only the second day without taking my pills, and the negativity is strong within me. Anger, doubt, depression, apathy, dismissiveness, hopelessness... that dark grey cloud is moving back in.

It makes it so hard to think clearly about my situation or make plans. Right now I just want to quit everything and throw my hands up in the air, giving up. Giving in. But I know if I used my progesterone, took my lithium, and drank my inositol powder that I'd have a different attitude on the matter. That it would be worth continuing to fight.

And the brain fog! Did I just go to the bathroom? I'm not sure. Do I feel like I need to go? I thought I did need to earlier... so maybe I did go? Yes, these are the thoughts I have about many parts of life.

Cravings for carbs and sugars are coming back in a big way too. I'm not as stable with my diet. I'm not supposed to have any starches and I know it's true because I don't feel well after I eat them. But I'm craving starches now. Some need in my body has been met by something in one of my supplements, just not sure what that need is.

I hate this limbo. I really need my appointments to get scheduled so that I can have less anxiety about not taking my supplements. I'm also kind of irritated that they work this well, because it means I'll still have to take them all for a while longer. I'm getting pill fatigue. Why is my body refusing to heal more than it has? I'm investing so much into regaining my health, but my body is saying, "Nope." Ugh.

I'm getting very impatient about finding out what I need to do to continue improving or coming to accept that I can't get better. That this is the best I'll be. I'm getting annoyed by having hope and perseverance. I just want a final answer.

What A Night of Sleep Looks Like During MCS Reaction

I'm not keeping up with this blog, so long story short, I've been using an Oura Ring since August. I want to give some detailed attention to this at some point, but I can't right now. Way too exhausted. In short, it is a highly advanced sleep tracker that has generally received good ratings as far as accuracy goes, but I'll dig into that topic later. It's not like a Fit Bit or other trackers - it uses different technology and can read a lot more. 

I want to show you what a night after a chemical exposure looks like for me. I came home from work feeling angry, fidgety, uncomfortable, and wanting to beat something up and smash it to pieces. I'm not totally sure what I was reacting to - normally I know right away if something is causing me reactivity, then will get a the worst reaction later on (delayed.) The fact that I was off my pills for 1.5 weeks and had only taken bare minimum to get by at work in the past 4 days has meant more reactions and reacting to lower exposures. Regardless, I was definitely reacting and was very uncomfortable. I went to bed with a resting heart rate jumping constantly between 95-120 while just laying still in bed.


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1olRRgWgc-rXaF2KlDJ6Zi238W9sXiQ-zeA/view?usp=sharing

You will need to click the link below the photo to see it full size to be able to read it. Blogger has some serious formatting limitations and will not allow me to turn the image into a link unless I feel like coding it in HTML, but their HTML is one wall of text, not formatted so that I can easily find where to edit. I'm feeling way too lazy to deal with that.

First problem: 4 hours of REM sleep!? I've read that high REM can mean high stress levels on the body. More than 2 hours tends to be high, from what I've read. I'll link to the articles when I have the energy.

Second problem: Heart rate. Okay, my resting heart rate tends to be high anyway (and I'm getting officially tested for POTS soon, but a few medical practitioners have told me they've seen it when reading my pulse), but this is a bit absurd. During the first two weeks of my menstrual cycle my lowest heart rate of the night tends to be in the upper 60's to low 70's, with average in the 70's, sometimes low 80's. My lowest last night was 86 BPM. Average was 95 BPM. Highest was just below 110 (I wish it would give an exact number.) My body managed to lower my resting heart rate during sleep, but it still stayed too high. And I took pills that should calm my heart rate down - I did need herbs to fall asleep last night.

Third problem: My heart rate variability is super LOW. The higher the number, the better off you are. In my Oura Ring user group many people are reporting that they are generally in the 70's - 90's for average HRV. I have never been above 30 for as long as I've been recording, but 11!? My body was clearly very stressed.

The ring also showed me that my average respiration rate was 18.0, which is high, but I'm usually that high. And it told me that my body temp dropped half a degree Celsius last night, but my body temp is different every night. My temp is up and down and all over the place.


To compare, here's a couple more average nights when I wasn't feeling abnormally terrible:


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H1-ljVIHp1_0d0Ay58z0qUjQkC8yI5LIcA/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KChhS7TcjuJ5GWrrGPXEU8rTp4xMiCgX4w/view?usp=sharing

Something to keep in mind with REM: it's not restful. It's called Rapid Eye Movement because the body is working to repair and reset during that time. The more you need, the more your body is trying to repair. That's how it was explained to me. So when I have these nights with high REM, even though I got 9 hours of sleep, it was not restful sleep. If I can at least get and hour of deep sleep I do okay, regardless of REM. So I'm exhausted. I couldn't bring myself out of bed until 11 am. I just wanted to lay there. But eventually I started to shiver and I realized I needed food really badly, so I forced myself up.

Beef Bacon is amazing, by the way. I'm sick of turkey bacon (had it too often), and I can't have pork. I actually hate pork, so I don't mind not being able to have it. But a local grass-fed (mostly) beef company makes beef bacon with just beef and sea salt. It's amazing. So incredibly delicious. 

Power of Doing Your Face

I just went through a rather long and particularly symptomatic PMS. Normally at this time I start to feel a ton of relief from all that, but I didn't take my pills for 1.5 weeks and I'm only taking the bare minimum to get by for the last 3 days. My face has become a total disaster through this. Very dry acne ridden skin with mild rashes, and total lack of color. It's still that way, even though it should be recovering well by this point, but I'm still just as dehydrated and exhausted from my lack of pills.

Want to see a cool trick?



I painted concealer on one eye and not the other, can you tell which one?

My camera doesn't do the best job with capturing details, so I look better here than the mirror showed me. But you can see what I'm talking about.

That's the power of make up. I do this every time I need to go out so that people treat me normally. I don't want people to think, "Oh, she's not looking her best." or "Is she on something?" I've learned that people treat you with less esteem when you look like you're not feeling well. They can treat you like you need extra care, that you're not as high functioning as other "normal" people, or like you're someone who does drugs and they show less trust in you. I've experienced it. When I wear my make up people treat me normally, like they don't need to treat me any differently from the next high functioning person. I'm not accusing everyone of doing this, but many do.

So I wear make up. I did it quickly without much detail work, put on a thin layer, skipped the lip products so I could eat, and used copper eye shadow to blend in the redness if it starts to show through:



Just think about how you treat people based on how well they took care of their face that day. Thanks. :)

Video Update/ Disability Process

I have needed to talk about or write about a lot that I've experienced in the last few months, but have been so incredibly fatigued. So today I decided to do video blogging. I made a playlist of 3 videos here:

Kindling Health Vlog Playlist: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMMJaf2l9ztXEgTmt_IBt2NwWC0ZmFN8m

I personally don't like to watch blogs, I greatly prefer reading. If you don't like this format, I understand. Sorry. But for my mental health I needed to journal somehow.